Breaking

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

It's Still So Confusing

. . . . .

Kensi had very few options when it came to entertaining herself during the 'waiting game'. For that was what their case had become. With all of the necessary information in Eric's very capable hands, the agents were left to entertain themselves as they saw fit until Eric could work his magic. For Kensi, paperwork was out of the question. Her week of leave left her with substantially less than her male counterparts, and Angry Birds was only fun if there was something to procrastinate on. She wasn't in the mood for sparring or training and she had no one to play paper basketball with. Not that she would honestly choose paper basketball.

So, she took to what she'd been starting to refer to has 'her' corner of the hacienda. Her conversation with Callen was meshing alarmingly with her discussion with Deeks. It was enough to give her the beginnings of a headache. Thankfully, however, her adrenaline stayed level. It was a testament to how much good her week's vacation had been.

But her head didn't feel clear. It felt almost more convoluted than before she'd taken the impromptu leave. Much to her chagrin, she knew exactly what had happened to put her on edge. What she didn't know was whether or not she'd made a decision.

That was where Callen found her. She looked, less… lonely, he decided, less confused and sad. But she didn't seem less conflicted. "You look… better." Gorgeous.

She turned her head, flashed him a smile. "I feel better,"

"But?" He stepped towards her, but stayed out of reach. When had she become such a temptation?

Kensi considered. Was she really ready to finish the conversation they'd deliberately left open-ended? "Something still feels… unsettled."

Since she'd turned to face him, he chanced a step closer. He felt like a hunter. His prey, however, was anything but weak and docile. "Unsettled?"

"Unfinished," she replied, wrapping an arm across her stomach.

"Deliberately," Callen pointed out, crossing his arms over his chest. "Are we ready to finish it?"

God, she still didn't know! She dropped her head back against the wall, her eyes slipping shut with the weight of the decision. She'd started the conversation this time.

Callen stepped in. He was close enough to smell her, to feel her heat. And he remembered her kiss. He wanted it again, damnit , and she was close enough, he'd stepped close enough, to intensify his yearning. Callen wasn't a 'yearner'. When her eyes opened, he met them.

"I don't know," she breathed. Her eyes left his, quick as a blink. It was a glance to his lips before refocusing on his gaze. "I…"

Callen felt his heart race. There was something thrilling about making Kensi nervous, something electrifying about knocking her off of her game.

"God, G, you know how many ways this could go very, very wrong."

He didn't need her to quote them. Hell, he didn't want her to quote them, though the comment had really been a statement. Callen knew he should care. Everything about him said it would never work. Hell, everything about her said it wouldn't work. So why the hell didn't he give a rat's ass about any of it? What was it about Kensi? He didn't need anyone, he never had. But he needed her. He wanted her and he needed her. Right now, it was that simple. It made his next decision for him.

By the time Kensi realized he was leaning in, his mouth was already on hers. Her body sagged against the wall before his hands caught her waist. When she steadied herself, her body was on fire. She responded to Callen's hot kiss with her own strength. She released a low sound when he didn't hesitate to slide a hand beneath her shirt. His fingers tensed against the smooth skin of her back in reaction. Hers trailed up his arms, over strong biceps she'd admired more than once. When the kiss slowed, Callen slid his hand down to the waistband of her jeans. She shivered as his fingers brushed along the denim.

Kensi sighed and leaned back against the wall, arching her back so she didn't trap his hands between her and the wall. Her blood was singing. She felt Callen's hand slide out from beneath her shirt to cup her hips and a smile flirted with the corners of her mouth. Heat like that put forward and excellent argument.

"Callen-"

He squeezed her hips, stopping her words in her throat. She swallowed convulsively, and Callen followed the clench and release of the muscles.

And then it just came out.

"I need you, Kensi."

Her eyes widened, eyebrows rising in surprise. "You don't need anyone."

He didn't bother to argue the point, but he kept her pinned to the wall with his arms around her. Not that he believed she wanted to go anywhere. "I know." He made sure to fix his eyes on hers. "I know I've done everything to make people believe it."

Now she was curious. And she let it show.

His stomach was churning, his heart in his throat. The last time he'd been this nervous he'd been on his first undercover assignment. And this was Kensi.

"Hetty… Hetty's been telling me every one needs someone. I've grown up without… without." He adjusted his grip, then, uncomfortable with the change, returned his hands to the comfortable curve of her hips. His eyes never left hers. "I believed I didn't. Jesus, Kens, you snuck up on me. Needing you snuck up on me. I didn't expect it. I'm not sure I wanted to."

Kensi was listening to every syllable that came out of Callen's mouth, but the complete silence came more from utter shock.

"But I'm not ready to pretend you don't matter, either. I don't want to pretend that I don't care and that I don't like… That I don't like you." This time, he did shift his grip, but only because if he stayed that close he wasn't going to finish what he'd decided to say. If he stopped now, he wasn't sure he'd ever say it again. He wanted to say it, and he wanted her to hear it.

It was instinct for Kensi to weave her fingers with his as he removed her arms from around his neck. She squeezed them slightly, curious and anxious. This was the most open Kensi had ever seen Callen in their history.

"You're right. There's so much to lose. So much. But what if the stuff we gain is better?"

"We're trained not to think in 'what ifs'," she managed to whisper over the lump in her throat.

"Then we jump."

The blunt conviction had her stomach doing pleasant somersaults. But there was one thing she knew he wouldn't have considered. "What if you're just my anchor?"

"Your what?"

"Anchor," she repeated, adjusting her grip because she really wanted to fidget. "What if everything I'm… I'm feeling is just a mirage brought on by my panic attacks?"

"I don't follow."

Kensi broke the eye contact they'd been holding since the beginning. This vulnerability was hers and hers alone and she wasn't ready to share it. She fixed her eyes on the middle of his chest. "You're the first person in a very long time to see me lose it like that. You kept me calm, you kept me focused, you kept my eye on the coal without coddling me. Everything was normal. Except it wasn't and… I can't risk this over something that might not be genuine."

He considered her carefully, took in her continued refusal to meet his gaze. He wanted to tuck his fingers beneath her chin, to force her to look at him, but he didn't want to release her hands to facilitate it. He didn't want to give her the excuse to run. "Do you want it to be genuine?"

She rolled her head, dropping it back before forcing herself to meet his gaze. She liked the idea of having someone who trusted her so completely and didn't decide to cocoon her when she was having a rough time. He wasn't afraid, or threatened by what she did, what she could do, what she had done. He didn't pity her, just…. Dealt with her. "Yes."

His heart leapt.

"But what if it's not?"

He wasn't one to throw caution to the wind, especially when the wind never carried him where he was supposed to go. He had abandonment issues, not that anyone directly called them that, and trust issues and…

But so did she.

"What if it is?"

"Callen," she sighed out on a heavy breath. "Work, us, our issues… Boom."

"Or…" He wasn't going to voice it. God, he could barely think it. Forever.

"Neither of us can make promises," she whispered. "Neither of us can…" Her eyes fluttered closed. "Callen, we barely trust."

"We trust each other."

That brought a slight smile to her face. "We're not getting much of a choice."

"There's always a choice," he countered.

"Ours is work related."

"The minute you told me about your father, about your… about Jack, about things with Dom… It stopped being just work related." He could wear her down, he knew it. He could persuade her of his side of the argument. Hell, he needed to.

Kensi sagged against the wall. She had trusted him before. She trusted him now. She liked trusting him, needing him, having him around. She liked the idea of kissing him, holding him and more importantly, she liked the idea of him holding her. She searched his gaze. "You want this."

"You're not sure." Still, he eased closer once again, pressing her into the wall. Despite his general dislike of impulsive decisions, he knew his gut wasn't something to ignore. And his gut, paradoxically to statistics, reports and everything told him this could work. They could make this work.

"if we start this," she whispered as he leaned in, brushing their noses sweetly, accidentally. She knew what was coming, knew what he wanted to do. She wasn't going to stop him. "Callen."

He paused less than a breath from her mouth, her name almost a sigh. "Kensi."

"If we start this, I'm not sure I'll be able to stop."

"I don't want you to stop." In fact, he was asking her to dive in right alongside him, with him.

Together.

"Callen."

He searched mismatched eyes for the slightest hint that this wasn't what she wanted. "Jump, Kensi."

So she kissed him, wrapped her arms around him, and forced herself to let go, at least for the moment, all the fear and worry churning her gut. She blocked out everything but the way his hand returned to her hip while the other cupped her neck, holding her to him and responding to his kiss with fierce passion.

"Give me until after the case," she whispered when they pulled apart. "I'll make a decision after this case."

He couldn't deny her. "I don't like it."

"Callen." There was a scold in her voice, exasperation and frustration.

"I don't," he repeated, this time allowing his thumb to sneak around and brush against her lower lip. It was swollen, red, tempting. His eyes fixed on hers. "After the case."

And neither of them could truly believe the excellent timing of Eric's excited shout. He'd come through again and as adrenaline started to bleed into her blood, Kensi grinned.

It was time to hunt a serial killer.

This was shorter, but an epic battle. I need to stop having those. Funny enough, it means no Sims because it zaps my creativity. Not a shock, but odd. Maybe I should force someone to hide my game discs again. It's rather effective.

Though admittedly, it feels repetitive and circular. Coincidentally, that may be the point, but I'm stupid tired (don't ask) and I don't feel like overanalyzing the tone I'd wanted to set in the chapter. There is a certain convenience to it though, because Kensi is still rather confused. Eh, better stop before I break my brain.

Sad news. Or not sad news. I don't know. But either way, I think the next one is the last chapter. It depends on how the wrap up goes in terms of the case, but from the way it looks to me, there's nothing else to address. Kind of. I don't want to go into detail and spoil it. Just know that there's one more.

There is one more thing before I sign off. I like reviews. We all like reviews. If we post here, we like reviews. It's an addiction. But I don't actually keep track of my review counts all the time. Some I do, some stories I do. This was not one of them. I was looking, today, at a different story that I somehow manage to not get reviews for in my inbox (literally THE ONLY story that doesn't come through) and I happened to glance at this one… there's more than 200 reviews! It's a testament to your patience, let me tell you.

So thank you. Because in all honesty, going into this, I didn't expect half as many reviews as I've ended up with. I am inordinately happy with how much you guys are enjoying it, especially considering the struggle a lot of these chapters have been to get the voices right. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart and soul, for being awesome. I can be awesome (sometimes), because you guys are awesome (all the time).