Title: Final Regrets
Pairing: Perry Cox/John Dorian
Prompt: 05: Last
Word Count: 1206
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: angst, major character death
Spoilers: none

It had been raining for the last three days straight. It was raining now, and Perry didn't even care how drenched he was getting. The collar of his trench coat was pulled up, his hands stuffed into his pockets, entire body hunched into the coat. He'd been standing in the same spot for almost three hours now. Carla, Turk, even Kelso, had tried to get him to leave hours ago, but he had refused, demanding he be left alone. His eyes read the words carved on the stone again and again.

John 'JD' Dorian
Beloved Friend
1975-2007

Perry couldn't even tell if it was just the rain running down his face anymore, the tears had long ago mixed in with the rain water. The truth hadn't truly sunk in yet, he was still partially in shock. JD couldn't really be gone, couldn't really be dead. But he was, he knew JD's body had been in the casket as they lowered it into the ground.

He just didn't want to believe it, he couldn't be gone, not with the way things ended between them. Especially because of the way things ended. He never got his chance to make things up to him. JD died thinking Perry didn't care about him, didn't love him. It couldn't end like this, the last things he'd said to him were horrible, and couldn't have been further from the truth. And now JD would never know different, would never be able to listen to the truth, to hear the real reason he'd been absent for over a week.

Their argument was still fresh in his mind, he'd probably remember that day for the rest of his life. JD had made it a point to corner him at work, in the on-call room, just to make sure he couldn't get away. He'd accused Perry of avoiding him, trying on purpose to spend as little time with him as possible when he wasn't at the hospital. Which was true, but not for the reasons that JD obviously thought. Their one year anniversary was coming up in just under a month, and Perry actually wanted to do something special for JD, to prove just how much he really did care. So for the last week he'd spent all his free time planning, and had finally decided on a cruise. All he had left to do was go see the travel agent one last time tonight before the plans would be finalized.

He'd tried to explain this to JD without ruining any surprises, but couldn't come up with any excuses that sounded convincing. He could tell that JD didn't believe him, but wanted badly enough to stay together that he was willing to give Perry another chance. And this was when things went horribly wrong. JD had asked him to come to dinner with him that night. Perry can still see the look in JD's eyes when he refused, claiming he had something else he needed to do. He can still hear JD's timid, sorrow filled voice ask, "You don't care about me anymore, do you?"

And this, this was the exact moment he wrecked everything, set in motion everything that contributed to JD's death. "Well boo hoo Michelle, did you finally realize that the world doesn't revolve around you? I don't need to spend my every waking minute with you, you're not that important Pricilla. Just get Gandhi to take you out if you're so desperate to show off that new dress and sandal combo you spent so much money on."

He'll never, for as long as he lives, forget the look on JD's face. That horrible crushed, kicked puppy look. It was like his whole face just crumpled, he went pale, and his eyes were the worst. Those normally laughing blue eyes were so filled with pain, the sparkle was completely wiped out.

JD had backed up rapidly, trying to make a quick getaway, but he wasn't fast enough. He wasn't able to flee before Perry could see the tears start to fall, a choked off sob working its way out of his throat. Then he was gone, and that was the last time Perry would ever see him alive.

He got the phone call almost an hour later, from a frantic, sobbing Carla, he could hear Turk crying in the background. There had been an accident, JD's scooter had been hit by a truck. It looked like JD apparently hadn't seen the light go red, and the driver of the truck hadn't been able to stop in time. The paramedics said he died instantly, from a broken neck. They say he wouldn't have even felt any pain. But that wasn't true, was it? He'd already been in pain before the crash, and it was all his fault.

Perry knew right away that it was his fault. If he hadn't said those things, hadn't neglected JD for over a week everything would be fine right now. JD wouldn't have left crying, wouldn't have been out on the streets, wouldn't have been so distracted, so blinded by tears, that he wasn't seeing what was going on. If he had just admitted to JD what he was doing, he wouldn't be standing here right now, staring at his lover's grave.

This wasn't supposed to happen. With their age difference it should have been Perry who died first, not his younger more energetic partner. But here he was, still in a state of disbelief, still thinking he'd be able to go home and JD'd be there, and he'd be able to hold him and kiss him, and just be with him. But he'd never be able to do those things again.

Perry didn't believe in God, but just this once, he was going to trust in there being a heaven, or at least that there'd be somewhere better off that JD was going. Now there was only one more thing that Perry could do for JD. He could apologize, and he could only hope that wherever JD was he could hear him, and might be able to forgive Perry, even though he'd never forgive himself. "I'm sorry JD, I never meant for this to happen, I'm so very, very sorry. I just want you to know something. You are important, you're the most important thing in my life. Not once, have I ever regretted being with you. Not once, did I ever stop loving you. And I'm sorry I couldn't show you that love more often, so that maybe you would have had more confidence in us, so you'd still be here…"

Perry fell to his knees, a shaking hand reaching out to trace the name on the headstone. "Still be here with me, instead of lying cold and lifeless in the ground. I need you JD, I always will, and I'm always going to love you, and I wish you hadn't doubted that, doubted me." Perry slammed his fist into the stone, not even registering the pain that shot up his arm. "I'm going to miss you so much, and I promise that I'll never forget you, even when I'm old and grey and can't remember anything else, I'll always remember you. I love you John."