It's been a bit longer than usual for this chapter to come out, and that's because I took a brief break to write an alternate ending to 'No Laughing Matter'. It came out really good in my opinion, and it was definitely worth it for me to write out of my comfort zone, even if it was just a one shot.
With that out of the way, chapter 14 develops a sister that's been uncannily cruel up until this point. What are her motivations? Why is she so mean to Lincoln? This chapter is here to shed some light on that, at long last. I believe this is one of the best chapters thus far, so enjoy!
The air was crisp, birds were chirping, and the water was shining. The Louds have arrived at their campground, and boy, was it beautiful. Vanzilla, and the houseboat it towed, had just parked on the camping spot that Lynn Sr. reserved in advance. It was in a very remote location, far away from any other humans. Not to mention, it was right on the bank of Lake Ontario.
"We're here!" exclaimed Rita, opening the front passenger door. She hopped out and took in a deep breath of the upstate New York air.
"Odd", said Lynn Sr., walking over to his wife. He held Lily in his arms. "I thought the kids would be out by now".
"They must be sleeping, honey. Who knows how late they stayed up without our parental supervision?". The mother of 11 walked back to the houseboat, walked up the steps, and banged on the door. "Kids!" she yelled. "We're here!".
This was met with mixed reactions. Lynn was the first Loud out of the boat. She jumped out of the door, and ran around the campsite. Immediately, she found a nice sized acorn, and kicked it around. "Who wants to play acorn-ball?!".
Lola was the next to walk outside. "That's not even a real game, Lynn", she said condescendingly. The pageant princess held up her dress, and walked down the houseboat steps. She wouldn't want to get it dirty, after all.
Lana ran outside next. "Where do we get to poop?", she asked happily.
Lisa followed her. "Just make sure you do it somewhere close, I'd love to study any intestinal excreta that I can get my hands on!".
Lincoln was the next to leave the houseboat. His face turned green, and he had to keep himself from vomiting. "Gross, Lisa!".
"The service here is literally horrible! How am I supposed to text my friend like th- Gah!" Lori, who had been looking down at her phone, wasn't paying attention to where she was walking. Because of this, she didn't notice the drop, and missed the staircase that she was supposed to use. The teenager fell down about four feet, and landed headfirst into a bush.
"Lori! Let me help you!" Leni ran out of the boat, and extended her arm down to her older sister, helping her get back on her feet.
As Luan walked out of the boat, she couldn't help but to make a pun. "Lori, you're already falling for this vacation!". She laughed.
Lynn Sr. scratched his head, and counted on his fingers. "I guess that just leaves Luna", he said. As he walked inside the houseboat living room, he saw his musical daughter asleep and snoring loudly on the couch. In her hands, she held onto her electric guitar. This will wake her up, Lynn thought. He walked over to his daughter, turned on her amps to full volume, and played a note on the guitar that Luna clutched in her sleep. The noise was loud, even enough so to wake up Luna.
The rock star shot up. "Gah- Wha- McSwagger, where'd you go?".
Lynn Sr. smiled. "Well, I guess that's everyo-"
"You forgot me", came a voice from behind him.
The sudden voice started Lynn Sr., and he jumped in the air in fear. Once he calmed down, however, he looked behind him to see his 8 year old daughter, Lucy.
"Oh, right" he said, still breathing heavily from the scare. "Lucy, too. Now, that's everyone!".
Lucy and Luna walked out of the living room, while Lynn Sr. stayed behind. He looked at the broken window. He first found out about it on one of his pit-stops for gas. Apparently, Lincoln had accidentally locked himself outside of the boat while it was moving. What he did was dangerous, and no doubt I'll have to punish him for it when we get home, but at least he's becoming braver. I wonder why that is? Lynn Sr. walked outside, closing the houseboat door behind him.
"Alright, kids!" said the father, putting his hands on his hips. "Setting up camp for this many people isn't going to be an easy task, so we all need to pitch in. And, because we're here to bond, I've paired each of you up to do a certain task".
Lincoln gulped. Please, put me with Lynn! I'll be fine with Luna or Leni to! Honestly, I don't care as long as I'm not with HER! he thought, desperately wanting to avoid being paired up with one sister in particular.
The father of 11 reached in his pocket and pulled out flashcards. "Alright, now. Lori and Luna will be driving out to the town to get a window replacement". Lynn Sr. put the flashcard to the back of the deck.
Lori shrugged, and went back to texting. Luna smiled, happy to have a fairly easy task.
"Lana and Lynn will be setting up tents," he said, reading the next flashcard in the stack.
The two tomboys of the family gave each other a high-five, obviously excited to work together.
"Lola and… Lisa?" said Lynn Sr., a hint of confusion in his voice. He could have sworn that he paired Lola up with Luan. Shrugging it off, however, the father of 11 continued reading off his assigned tasks. "You two will clean up the mess in the boat".
Lola smiled. Her plan had worked. She predicted that her father would assign partners, so when he stopped for gas, Lola had snuck into Vanzilla. Sure enough, she had found a deck of flashcards with sibling pairings. After pairing herself with Lisa, the pageant powerhouse snooped off back to the boat.
Lincoln gulped. This was it. He would be paired with either Leni, Lucy, or Luan. It's not like he'd be happy with any of them, but one of them would be the worst possible sister he could be partnered up with. Leni would most likely be confused at whatever task she was given, Lucy and him wouldn't get along very well after she had just betrayed him two days ago, but, Luan. She'd be the absolute worst to work with! The 'comedian' had been the most violent and cruel sister throughout the entire war. At one point, Lincoln even got in a fistfight with her! The boy didn't care what task he had to do. Heck, he'd even be willing to set up the entire camp himself. All as long as he didn't have to work with Luan.
The boy's train of thought was interrupted by his father's voice. He was announcing the next two pairings. "Leni and Lucy will be preparing dinner, and Lincoln will be collecting firewood with Luan", he said.
Lincoln didn't say a word. The worst possible situation had just happened. If this were Lisa's chart, the threat level would be an erupting volcano for him. All he could do was stand there with his mouth open.
Luan, however, was not silent. "Why Lincoln, Dad? Why do I have to work with him?".
"I don't want to hear any complaining", shot back Lynn Sr. "We're here to bond, and there will be no arguing. These pairings are final".
Luan kicked a stone in anger.
"Move faster, lame-o!". Luan gave Lincoln a push as they walked through the woods, in search of firewood. The siblings needed to travel a good distance away from the camp, seeing as they were in search of logs not too big nor small.
"First of all, I'm moving as fast as I can while holding all of this wood!" shot back Lincoln, doing his best to carry all of the lumber that he had gathered over the past half hour or so. "Second of all, don't call me lame-o".
"Why? Your little girlfriend calls you it!".
"She's not my girlfriend!", said Lincoln, blushing. "And besides, Ronnie Anne is actually nice to me, so I really couldn't care less about what she calls me. You, on the other hand, have been acting horrible to me!".
"I've been acting horrible? You're the one who broke our model house! You're the one who recording us for your stupid school contest! You're the one who released skunks in the house! Lincoln, you're always messing up!".
"So you think starting a war is the best way to teach me a lesson?".
"Yes! At this point, we're past the point of anything else".
I knew being paired with Luan would be a disaster, thought the boy. "Hey, are you even sure you know where we're going? I swear, we've passed this big tree at least three times".
"There are hundreds of "big trees", dummy. Just keep moving forward, we'll get there soon".
We better, thought Lincoln, looking up at the sky. The sun was starting to set.
"Room: Clean!" said Lisa, excited that her robot had managed to clean the entire houseboat in less than ten minutes.
Lola sat on the kitchen counter, sipping a juice box. She sucked up the last few drops of juice, crushed the box with a single hand, and threw the trash on the ground. Lisa's CleanBot (patent pending) quickly drove over to the empty juice box and sucked it up. "Not bad!" said the pageant diva, impressed.
"Thank you, it only took me a few hours to develop-".
"Not the robot, Lisa. I was talking about my juice. I usually like apple, but this new tropical berry flavor really hit the spot!".
"Oh", said the junior scientist.
"But," said Lola, looking at Lisa's disappointed expression. "It's pretty crazy you were secretly able to set this bot up in just one night". This time, Lola's compliment actually was directed to her sister, and not juice.
"Thank you, my sibling". Lisa smiled. Although she didn't really care for mushy emotional stuff, it was pretty nice to get a compliment every now and then.
"Anyway," said Lola, getting back on topic. "Now that we have some time alone, it's time to talk business".
"Indeed", said Lisa. "First of all, your sibling pairing plan went well. Our parental units didn't suspect a thing".
Lola nodded.
"Second of all, I can't believe you managed to get Lori to break up with Bobby. That mustn't have been easy".
Lola shook her head. "It wasn't. Just like when we tried to convince Dad to buy a new van, I went subliminal. I couldn't just say to Lori's face that she'd be better if she just left Bobby for a week".
"Do you think there's any chance that Bobby would willingly take back Lori after this camping trip? I don't know much about teenage relationships, but I do know that it's not usually healthy to leave your partner, even for a short amount of time".
"Of course it's not healthy," she said. "Lori is committing herself a lot to this war, even more than I thought she would… it's not like her, is it?".
The junior scientist shook her head. "No, it's not. There must be more going on here than meets the eye. I'll monitor her closely, and even see if I can hack into her phone to see what her and her Boo-Boo Bear have been going through for past couple of months".
Lola turned around, and looked out the window. She sighed. "Besides," she said. "When we get back home, Bobby won't be able to get back with Lori, even if he wanted to. He won't have the choice, and I've made sure of that".
Lisa tilted her head, confused. "What do you mean by that?".
Lola shook her head. "I won't go into the details now, but let's just say I made a pretty important phone call… it might be the cruelest thing I've done this war, but I fear it was the only thing I could do in this situation".
Lisa frowned. "Oh…".
Lola turned around once again, now facing her sister. "Anyway, let's talk business. Are you ready to go over my strategy for this camping trip?".
Lisa smiled. "You know I am".
The flames of the campfire licked at the wood that Luan and Lincoln had spent so long. It was dark now, and the two siblings were more or less lost. It was much harder to look for the campsite at night, so Lincoln suggested that the two just slept and waited for the morning. At first, Luan dismissed Lincoln's idea as stupid. As it got darker, however, she eventually reluctantly agreed.
Lincoln sat on the ground, looking into the blaze. It gave him the warmth that he so desperately needed on a cold northern night. Luan, on the other hand, sat far away from the fire. Even though she was cold, the comedian refused to be near her brother after the constant arguing that they engaged in while in search of suitable firewood.
"Luan… why do you hate me?".
The sudden break of silence surprised the comedian. She looked up at her brother. He was looking back at her, but he didn't seem to be angry with her; he'd cooled off since their fight on the walk. Lincoln simply looked confused.
"Well," said Luan, anger still present in her voice. "It's like I said. You're selfish, cruel, and need to be taught a lesson".
Just like that, Lincoln was angry again. Selfish? Cruel? It's not like Luan didn't know any better; those were absurd statements. Really, the worst thing that Lincoln ever did was upload embarrassing videos of his sisters, but even then, he made up for it by uploading much more embarrassing videos of himself. After that, all of his sisters, including Luan, had forgiven him. He was no expert, but Lincoln knew there was more going on here.
"But that was all in the past!", he shot back. "And, it's not like I'm the only one who makes mistakes! The whole family does!".
Luan groaned. "Don't give me this again, Lincoln".
What? Was she for real? Lincoln knew that his sister was smart enough to know he really didn't have any lesson to learn, and this conversation had made his belief in that solid. Still, why did she insist on torturing him? In that moment, for once during the war, Lincoln knew that he needed to work with Luan to solve their problems.
"Luan…" he said calmly. "I love you".
The comedian was taken aback by this. What was Lincoln getting at?
"Ever since I was young, you've always cheered me up when I felt down", he continued. "You clowned for me at my birthday parties. You cheered me up whenever I got hurt. You gave me a joke whenever I asked for one". Lincoln chuckled. "But…", he said, his voice getting softer. "What changed?".
The question was simple, yet as soon as Lincoln had asked it, Luan flinched. Her brother was bringing up bad memories, one the comedian desperately wanted to keep buried deep down.
"Okay, I ADMIT IT!" yelled Luan, standing up quickly.
Lincoln flinched at the sudden change in tone. This was definitely not what he was expecting.
"Up until now, I've kept quiet about it. I've even refused to admit it to myself". Luan, now standing, covered her face with her hands in an act of shame.
"Lincoln…" she said. "Ever since I started comedy, I've inspired lots of laughter and joy. Whenever I do, it just makes me feel so good…". Luan looked up into the night sky. "But…", she continued. "Being a comedian doesn't mean all you get are laughs. Sometimes, people mock you. And, you know what? That's fine. When someone finds a joke unfunny and they laugh at me, I really couldn't care less. It's just part of the job. With all these laughs, comes some ridicule. I really couldn't care less, as long as I get to make people happy".
Lincoln looked at his sister as she gave her monologue, careful not to interrupt. The fire burned more aggressively as Luan told her story, almost as if to represent the intensity of the conversation.
"But, what really gets to me… is when people close to me find me unfunny. The first time I made a pun was by mistake. I was probably four or five, but I remember being at a family barbeque. Dad took a hamburger off of the grill, and handed it to me. He told me something along the lines of, 'Luan, this one looks good! Make sure no one steals it'. I remember saying, 'Okay, Dad! I'll watch out for any hamburglars'. It was stupid, I know. I wasn't even trying to make anyone laugh, I just thought of a pun and said it. But, as soon as I made the stupid hamburger joke, the entire family laughed! In that moment, I felt amazing. On top of the world. Unstoppable. Liked". Luan paused, reflecting on the moment.
Lincoln was too young to remember the barbeque, but he did recall Luan mentioning getting her first big laugh when he was walking home with her from a party. Things were starting to click.
"As time went on, I become more passionate about puns. I even studied it- I read books, I watched comedy routines, and I paid attention to what makes people laugh. Eventually, I branched out into other types of comedy. Puns, jokes, juggling, miming, clowning, you name it. I wanted to learn more, so I could make people laugh more". Luan had an ambitious look in her eyes, remembering her roots in comedy. "And, for awhile, everything was great. My friends laughed, my family laughed, and I even started getting the attention of some boys". Luan blushed. "Of course, I was too young at the time to even start thinking about that kind of stuff".
Lincoln continued to stay silent as he listened to his sister speak.
"Then, one day, I told a pun to Lori. I don't even remember what it was, but it was one of my best. As soon as I said it, though, she just groaned. No laugh, no chuckle, nothing! Just a groan! I tried to ignore it at first. I even tried telling her a new pun; still, Lori just groaned in annoyance. 'Can I just go back to texting Bobby?', was all she said. I was devastated. Sure, some kids at school have said some pretty mean things about my comedy, but this was my sister. I couldn't believe I was unable to make her laugh! Thankfully, I managed to brush it off". Luan felt like a lump was growing in her throat. It was hard for her to bring up these memories after she had suppressed them for so long.
She had a point. Lincoln thought about it, and nine times out of ten, when Luan made a pun to her siblings, they usually just groaned. In fact, they never laughed. Things continued to click in Lincoln's head. No wonder Luan had acted so cruel on April Fools! No wonder she made him carry the party supplies to the city for no reason, and then fought him.
Of course, this was partly his fault. He, like the rest of his siblings, simply groaned whenever Luan tried to make them laugh. Lincoln thought nothing about it. Looking back now, however, he could see that he usually came off pretty jerkish whenever Luan tried to make him laugh.
"I thought it would stop after that one time, but boy, was I wrong". Luan sniffled, trying to keep herself together. "From that point forward, whenever I tried to make one of my siblings laugh, all you guys did was groan and act annoyed. It happened slowly at first, but it became more and more frequent". Luan sniffled again, this time louder. "A-And now, it's at the point where I can never make any of my sisters or you to laugh! I t-try everyday, pun after pun, joke after joke! Nothing works! It's almost like I spent my whole life studying c-comedy for n-n-nothing!". The inevitable had happened; Luan began to sob. Previously standing, the comedian fell to her knees, covering her eyes.
Luan felt an arm wrap around her. Surprised, she looked to her side, and sure enough, Lincoln was trying to comfort her.
"Luan…" he said. "I'm sorry … but, pranking us like you do on April Fools and going all out on me during the war is not the way to fix this!".
"You're right… I'm a horrible sister!".
"What? No!", said Lincoln, holding Luan tighter. "It's not like that… you've just been going about this the wrong way". Lincoln thought now would be the perfect time to recite his favorite Ace Savvy quote. "But, it's never too late to start doing the right thing".
Luan wiped her eyes, and smiled. Thanks to her brother, she now knew that there was a lot of work to do.
The only sounds that the two siblings could hear were the fire crackling, and crickets chirping into the night. Their eyes grew heavy, and they fell asleep in each other's arms, under the night sky.