I sat in Julia´s living room, spilling out intelligible streams of words whilst she tried to make sense of what I was trying to say. Perhaps I should explain further: Julia´s therapy practice is a small annexe attached to her house. In it is a consultation room where she sees her patients and a waiting room for people who arrive early for their next appointments, or people waiting for their friends or loved ones to finish their sessions. I had arrived 20 minutes earlier, sobbing and shaking and her husband, whom I hadn´t know existed answered the door. I think he must have been used to patients turning up out of nowhere because he didn´t look particularly perturbed to see me, just ushered me into the living room and called Julia down from upstairs. Now she was sat next to me on the couch, telling me to breathe deeply and trying to get me to calm down.

I had run away again. I hadn´t known what else to do, where else to come, who else to turn to and I was desperate. I had even driven Hannah away with my awful, hateful words. I couldn´t go to Olivia´s house or the houses of any of my other friends because I knew that they wouldn´t understand. Julia was the only person I felt could help me.

"Heidi, take deep breaths. In for 4 seconds and out for 8," she said and I tried to imitate the breathing pattern she was showing me.

"It´s all messed up," I tried to say, but because I was such a mess, she couldn´t really make out what I was trying to say.

"Shhh, just calm down first, before you try to speak," Julia said soothingly. Even in the state I was in, I could see that this was not her first time around the block with a hysterical person and I wondered why she worked from home because then, crazy people like me could just turn up on her doorstep.

After about 10 minutes, Julia´s exercises started to work and I was able to calm my panic although I felt very light-headed due to breathing so deeply.

"Heidi, does your family know you´re here?" she asked me gently and I shook my head, feeling the panic rising from my stomach again.

She sensed it and grabbed my hand. "It´s okay, we´ll sort this out, together. I´ll help you," she said soothingly and gave me an encouraging smile.

"I can never go home again, Julia. Never. Not ever," I said with a shuddering breath.

"And why do you have this impression?"

"Because. Because I behaved so badly and I lost my mind and then I broke stuff and said the most vicious things to my brothers. And to Hannah. Even to Hannah!" I cried, lowering my head to my hands. I felt a cold sense of shame spreading out across my body as I remembered what had happened a couple of hours earlier."

"Did you have a fight with your family?" she asked me, trying to ascertain the facts. "With Adam and Brian?"

I nodded and then lifted my face from my hands and looked at her properly for the first time. "With everybody! Even Guthrie is mad at me. Everybody. What am I going to do, Julia?" I cried. I can honestly say that I felt, at that moment, like the world was coming to an end.

"What happened, Heidi?" she asked me firmly, handing me a glass of water. "Here. Drink the whole thing."

I took large sips of the water which resulted in hiccups.

"I can´t tell you, Julia. I´m too ashamed."

Julia put a hand on my shoulder. She seemed to be considering something and then she decided. She crossed the room to a desk, sitting in the corner and opened one the drawers with a key. She took out a pad of paper and a pretty pink pen and then said, "Come sit here."

I obeyed her and sat down in the comfortable chair which was by the desk. The cushion was made of green velvet.

Julia handed me the pen. "I´m going to call your family and let them know you´re here."

I opened my mouth to protest but she held up a hand to silence me. "I have to, Heidi. They´ll be worried about you and it´s not fair."

I shut my mouth again and looked at her in trepidation, still very teary.

"They won´t care. They´ll be relieved that I´ve gone!" I said.

Julia shook her head. "They will care and they do care. We´ll sort this out, I promise. In the meantime, if you can´t tell me what happened, write about it."