Ana and Christian belong to E.L. James, but the fate that brought them back together after the orphanage is ours.

Translated by thenewEmily

Chapter 12: Half-truths

"Anastasia Steele, I don't know how I've been able to live so long without your kisses… baby I need you to trust me and tell me… I need to know why you left…"

"OK… I'll tell you…"

I take a deep breath and get ready… this is going to be a long night.

-oOo-

I get comfortable next to him and dig some of the memories buried in my head… and in my heart. I know this thing we've started will lead us to destruction or to an indestructible bond… I don't know which one will be the way, because the man sitting next to me, it's not the same I fell in love with. This man is more complex, darker and captivating. As always, I stare at my hands before I start my confession.

"You had been weird for a couple of days, absent, thoughtful. I didn't know what was going on, just that something was off. Our encounters were quieter, with nothing to say to each other, without touching, just staring and feeling uncomfortable. I don't know if you remember that time like that… but I do. I was distraught; I thought leaving the orphanage had been a bad choice. At the end of the day, I loved you way before those new parents I had by law.

Jack saw me sinking in my sadness and didn't know what to do. He heard me; he was there for my sorrows and my complaints about your distance. He always told me things like you were in some kind of trouble, that maybe you had inherited your parent's addictions… But I wouldn't listen to him, I was incapable of seeing further than my nose."

"What are you talking about Ana?" hissed Christian, but I stopped him with my hand.

"I went to see you that day, because I had made a decision and I had something very important to tell you. I looked and asked for you… suddenly I heard your voice, but I couldn't get who you were talking to. I came closer and saw you with Frank, that guy from the neighborhood that used to sell drugs. And yes Christian, I saw you sucking your finger and taste that shit. Then you got a deal and I understood two things: that you were on drugs and that I couldn't be with you like that, not then.

I walk away shocked and furious, and ran into Jack, he hugged me soothed me. I told you Ana, he said, Christian is wrong for you, I'm sorry, but if I told you before you wouldn't have believed me. I was confused, so I ran to my parent's house and decided to take you out of my life. I wasn't going to be a part of your self-destruction."

Christian is quiet, and there's a mix of anger and shame in his eyes. I've told him a half-truth… I wasn't willing to put our baby in risk because of his drug addict father. That was the only thing I knew, the rest I took it one step at the time. I watch him, he doesn't say anything… two, three, five minutes of silence and I can't take it anymore.

"That's why I ran from you that day, because I caught you dealing drugs. Do you have something to say about it?" After another silence he finally answers me.

"We all make mistakes, and I'm no exception, probably neither are you", silence again.

"That's all you are going to say?" I'm out of my mind and our voices rise. "We all make mistakes! Of course we do, but you were digging your own grave Grey! How could you not see that?"

"Yes, I did see it, but I was desperate Ana. You had moved with family with money and I was just poor guy…"

"You were Christian, and I loved you just because of that"

"No, sooner or later you were going to be someone I would be able to follow"

"You really think I would have cared about that? That I would have left you for being poor? That we wouldn't have made it through together?"

"That wasn't what your father said"

"What the fuck has my father got to do with this Grey? Explain it right now"

"No Ana, we both are really upset right now. We better calm down"

"The fuck with calm, I want to know now, if you don't tell me I'll call my dad and he will explain to me all this shit"

"Fine, I'll tell you, but please, breath and really calm down"

I'm furious, I feel my whole body shaking, I'm red like a tomato and my head is boiling. I stand up and go for some water; the wine hasn't help with this conversation. I'm standing next to Christian, who's calmer than me, but definitely upset.

"One day, before you saw… what you saw, your dad went to talk to me. He told me he had nothing against me, but that you were in a different place. He told me that you were going to be whatever you wanted to, because they would make it happen, and that sooner or later, I wasn't going to be enough for you. He told me he thought I was a smart kid and suggested me that I do something with my life, to arise"

"Daddy…"

"He's a good man, but I misinterpreted his words. I understood it years later. I thought he was talking about money so I went for the easy way, the drugs, but I was never on them, I swear…"

"You never used them?"

"No, I've told you"

"You weren't in and out of rehab programs?"

"No… I don't get it Ana?"

"Jack… every time I wanted to look for you, he would tell me that he already had and that you were on drugs or in rehab… that bastard, scumbag…"

"You really tried to look for me?

"Yes…"

That's a whole truth. Christian pulls m closer and kisses me softly. His lips are so soft, warm, welcoming; I wish I would never stop kissing me. I sigh and close my eyes, I hug him and relax. We stay like that for a moment, hugging quietly, just feeling the warm of our bodies.

"Drugs, Christian?"

"It was easy money?

"But dangerous"

"I know, that's why I did it for little time. Besides you were gone and I just wanted to have more for you… there wasn't a reason to keep doing it so I could get out of that easily, but not from all my problems. On those sad days was when I met Elena. I've already told you a bit about her influence on me… se also made me study. I got into college and studied Finance, I worked, I made money, but nothing matter without you. One day I ran into Mrs. Grace and she offered me a job with her nephew, Elliot… in some way, she reminded me of happier days with you. Elliot was a good guy but terrible for business. He welcomed me like a brother, he gave me some happiness in those dark and worthless days. I work with him since then and manage the place. I have some other business, clean of course, but my priority is my brother, Elliot."

I'm shocked. What did he say? That he has other business?

"Christian I saw where you live. That place is so tiny, stern…"

"But it's right next to Grace. I own that property… but I already told you that all the money in the world is worthless if I can't enjoy it with you."

Now I'm really lost. So this man is rich, or at least hi has a good situation, but lives scarcely because he can't share it with me. God, what a complex man, he studied Finance? I'm still in shock, there's too much to think about.

"I'm so sorry Ana, I never thought that you had found me that day, now I know it was me who screw everything up"

"I didn't stay to face the truth either…"

I feel so tired; after all I haven't slept since last night taking care of Christian. He kisses my eyelids and strokes my face… oh how I love him, but I'm still lying to him… I know everything will be harder once they see each other. That's all I can think about and I'm lost in that thought for a while, forgetting that I'm not alone.

"Come on baby, you are exhausted. You should sleep. Show me to your room"

Like a zombie I lead him to it and let him pamper me… It's been so long since someone took care of me. Now it's me the one that takes care of others. He finds my pajamas under the pillow and takes of my clothes softly as if I was a child. The he walks to my bead.

"I don't know which side you prefer to sleep" he says standing in front of the bed. I show him where and he smiles. He moves the covers and gives me his hand. I take it and remember how soft it is, and warm, and his smell.

"He puts me to bed and tucks me in; then he walks to the other side, takes of his pants and joins me on the bed. Oh god, it's been nine years since I slept with a man like this. My previous relations never got in the house. I never allowed someone to sleep with me, not even Jack, but Christian didn't ask. He came to fill his rightful place, one that I never let anyone to take. He hugs me from behind and I feel his erection growing, he kisses my neck and I let him and turn to face him, he knows nothing is going to happen tonight, his would hasn't fully heal. Sadly I think that after Teddy arrives, there won't be make up sex. I sigh, hug him, and silently cry to his chest.

-oOo-

I open my eyes startled and remember it's Sunday, and that Christian slept with me… Where's Christian? I look in the room but he isn't here. I jump out of bed and see the bathroom wet, he's probably already up, so I jump quickly in the sower to go find him.

I dress quickly in skinny jeans and a light blue shirt that matches my eyes, a sweater in the same color and my home shoes. I feel comfortable in then, it might be also the smell of coffee and toast from my kitchen. When I get there Christian is glowing, making breakfast for both of us, as if we'd really live together. He looks at me with a smile.

"A cup of tea for you right?" I nod and he pours it.

"I can't live without a cup of coffee in the morning" he says and pours a cup for him and sits next to me. "We are going to try, right?"

I wish I could say yes until Teddy is here, because once he arrives, this will all go to hell and he will run out that door, hating me. But a part of me wishes that he won't find out, so one day, I can get the courage to tell him. I nod and he smiles without a worry.

"When does your son gets home?"

"At lunchtime I think"

"Perfect, I talk to Elliot and he'll bring some stuff from my apartment, because it still isn't safe to go there… What are we going to say to the child?"

"I don't know, I haven't think about it… and by the way, the child's name is Teddy

"Teddy, I won't forget. We'll tell him I'm an old friend"

"I think it's fine"

The morning flies. Christian helps me make lasagna. He really is a good cook. This, while we wait for my little boy. I twist my hands because I don't know what I'll do once I see the together, and I don't know what daddy will say once he sees Christian here. A horn sound outside, they are here. I run to open the gate and stand at the door. Teddy jumps out of the car, runs to me and holds me tight.

"Mommy I've missed you"

"I missed you too sweetheart. How was the trip?"

Daddy is out if the car and comes to say hello. Christian watches everything from the door. When daddy goes to pick up the suitcases he rushes to help him. Daddy looks at him surprised and then at me and at Teddy. I shake my head so he understands that neither of them knows they are father and son. He nods and I know he got it. Daddy and I have always understood each other like that.

"Mr. Steel, let me help you"

"Thank you Christian. It's been a while, you look good"

"I'm good, thank you"

Teddy has seen this strange man and hides behind me. Once in the house, it's time to introduce them. My hands are sweating, oh god, please don't let him notice it.

"Teddy, sweetheart, I would like to introduce and old friend of mine. This is Mr. Grey, a great friend from the orphanage"

"Nice to meet you Mr. Grey" he gives him his hand and Christian watches him with curiosity, he shakes it softly and looks at me. They both smile warmly.

"Nice to meet you too young Mr. Steele"

"You can call me Teddy"

"Well thank you, then you can call me Christian"

"Really?" asks my son surprised. Christian nods smiling. "Cool"

My heart breaks right know. Just when I realize that I denied them the right of being father and child for nine years. I hope they can forgive me someday.