14. Cupid's Choke-Hold
Hey, slow it down
Whataya want from me?
Yeah, I'm afraid
Whataya want from me?
"Jeff let me up." Jane's voice is low in that way it gets after a long day as she stands in front of the closed door in her gym clothes and a duffel bag slung around a strong shoulder.
"Jane," is Maura's breathless answer as she almost drops her phone at the sight of Jane, but moreover the look in Jane's eyes. Her black eyes.
There might've been a time when I would give myself away
Oh, once upon a time, I didn't give a damn
But now, here we are
So whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?
Jane Rizzoli is what one might call single-minded. It manifests itself in the way she plays sports, the way she talks to girls, even the way she shops for clothing. When she sees something she wants, she goes and gets it. Not much in her life was ever handed to her, barring those Rizzoli genes, so that go-getting attitude is cemented in her character so firmly, at a cellular level, that she oftentimes disregards whether what she wants is even hers to take.
But for the first time she hesitates. This is her dilemma.
Also known as Maura.
Maura is wearing her red plaid shirt again with the sleeves rolled up, and the way it hangs off her petite frame makes Jane's ears burn. And this time Maura has on the cutest little white shorts, barely peaking out from under the long shirt, and she flashes back to the way those legs felt under her hands as she caressed them that night. The girl's hair is in a messy, side-swept French-braid falling over her shoulder, and she's barefoot with pink nail polish on. Maura fucking Isles is so fucking adorable and kinda sexy but cute and hot all at once and it's so not what Jane needs right now. At all.
It's what she wants.
Jane wants Maura right now.
But she hesitates, and it drains all the energy she had left, to not act.
After watching the internal battle waging in her lab partner's mind, Maura tilts her head in scrutiny. "You look tired," she says.
Jane gestures at the other girl before lamely putting her hand back down. "You look… like you're wearing my clothes."
"They've grown on me," the younger lightly smiles with a shrug. Jane drops her bag.
The athlete thought she'd be able to just get there and study, but being in that room with that girl in that shirt and that smile and that everything… Is this what it feels like just before spontaneous combustion?
Maura catches Jane staring at her again, intensely, and the air grows thicker around them.
"I wanna kill myself. What's the best way?"
Jane's words startle Maura, but her reflexes kick in before she can stop herself.
"Uh, atlanto-occipital disarticulation is very fast."
Not missing a beat, "No idea what that is. What else you got?" she asks bending over to unzip her bag.
Maura eyes Jane's movements closely, not sure what is going on in that head of hers. "You came here to attempt suicide?"
"I guess you could say that." Jane pulls out a text book, to Maura's relief. "I came to study… the day before a Biology test. I'd say I've already shot myself in the foot with that alone."
Maura sighs, having imagined Jane was either really suicidal or found out about her teasing tactics and came for revenge. Although, a few moments ago she was pretty sure the tall, tanned Italian was about ready to rip her clothes off. Or was she projecting again?
"Would you like to use my shower first?"
Jane scoffs before rebelliously settling on the floor against Maura's bed. "No, thank you. You can sit as far away from me as you like if I stink that bad, but my clothes are staying on. All of them."
Eye-roll. "Badly." Maura sits flat-footed beside Jane with her knees bent.
"I hate it when you correct me," groans Rizzoli looking for the relevant page.
"Well I hate it when you forget about Mr. Adverb," sing-songs Isles. "And, you're being ridiculous. I'm more worried about your own comfort."
"I'm fine," declares Jane as she flips a page but not looking down at it. "I'm grrreat."
"You just told me you want to kill yourself. That hardly qualifies as positive, let alone grrreat." Maura teases.
"Well excuse me for feeling a little awkward about being back at the scene of the crime." Jane mumbles.
"Oh," a manicured brow quirks, "and what crime would that be?" Maura asks curiously.
"You know exactly what I mean, and I don't really wanna talk about it right now."
Jane shuts the book and gets up and away from Maura, but Maura follows her out to the balcony. She refuses to be ignored again, and Jane has been avoiding her all week. Her face is unsympathetic as she watches Jane struggle to light a cigarette.
"Firstly, I don't," says the shorter girl, crossing her arms defensively, "and secondly, why am I not surprised?"
Taking a long first drag of her cancer stick, Jane looks out over the Isles estate. Never in a million years did she ever think she'd set foot in a mansion, let alone regularly, but this is the first time she's ever really looked outside at the view. It's really beautiful and it seems to go on forever. Kinda like Maura's eyes…
Jane shakes her head at herself. She hasn't been able to stop thinking about these weird little details about Maura like her eyes, or her skin, or her voice - stupid shit like that - and it's really starting mess with her head somehow. Focus. Time to rip the band-aid off.
"Look, Maura, I'm sorry if that night meant more to you than it does to me, but it's never gonna happen again."
Maura looks down at her feet with narrowed eyes, trying to not be hurt by Jane's promise. She isn't sure whether Jane means she regrets the entire night of her birthday party, or just the part where they (almost) had sexual intercourse, but it still hurts because that night was the best night of her life. She felt a little closer to Jane somehow, but maybe it was a fluke. Otherwise why else would Jane say such things. "What makes you think it meant anything at all? You're the one who wants to commit suicide," Maura almost spits out.
"Because of the way you've been acting all week. I just want everything back to normal."
"Biting each other's heads off every time we're in the same room is normal to you? Did you enjoy tormenting me?"
"I didn't mean it like that. I meant that- I just-" Jane sighs in frustration, stumbling over words and feelings. This was usually way easier over the phone because she could hang up. And she didn't have to see the look on the girl's face. She can barely look at Maura right now because she's not that good at hiding how hurt she is. And Jane did that to her. "I'm being a jerk," Jane admits. "And that's why none of this should have happened. And it never will."
"Well, I object."
Jane finally turns to regard Maura with an amused but shocked look. She's giving Maura every ounce of compassion she has, but she's just not having it. What now?
"You object? This isn't a court, or a democracy. We made a deal. I made you popular, now let's go study."
Cigarette forgotten in her hand, Jane moves towards the bedroom but a hand on her chest stops her dead in her tracks, and for a moment she wonders if Maura can feel the heavy thud of her rapid heartbeat.
"So we're really not even going to talk about it?" Maura is livid at this point.
"There's nothing to talk about!" shouts Jane, at the end of her patience.
"If those walls could talk-"
"They can't! And if they could, it would be the alcohol talking because everything that happened that night was a drunken mistake."
Maura pushes against Jane's chest and raises her voice in a fit of rage. "A- a mistake?"
Jane isn't so much as stunned by the shove as she stays in place. "What else would you call it?"
"Oh, so now you care what I have to say? You know, Jane, I thought we'd moved past this hostility when you… confided in me."
Maura's eyes search Jane's, looking for the regret her words are expressing. How much of that night was alcohol-induced? And how much of it was real? Because even now, as sober as they are, Maura wouldn't take anything back. But Jane fails to meet her eyes and steps back, letting Maura's hand slide away with the self-imposed physical distance.
"I was drunk during that part too, but this isn't about you being rich, Maura." Jane's voice is soft now, but her words are measured and clear. "This is about the fact that we should have never gotten that close." Her voice falters a bit on that last word, but she tries to cover by quickly adding, "And y'know what? I don't mind taking all the blame. It's all my fault."
With a sigh, "No one is at fault."
"Easy for you to say. You're the minor. Well, you're more of a minor than I am anyway."
"I'll be in my in my third year of College by the time I'm 18. At the very least. My age is hardly relevant to my mental and emotional maturity, Jane. And I'm not going to have you arrested for sleeping with me."
Jane looks unsure, "That's comforting. Three weeks ago you couldn't stand my guts."
"Three weeks ago I couldn't stand a lot of things. I'm not the same person I was three weeks ago."
"No, I guess not."
"And neither are you."
I'm not even the same person I was a minute ago, muses Jane. Ever since Maura stumbled into her life, nothing has been the same. Even this conversation is a lot more involved than she's used to. Too many thoughts and feelings and questions and answers and reasons and excuses. It's just too much.
Yet not enough somehow, because something keeps making her lips move and things to spill out. Some unknown force. Some kind of attraction to Maura that isn't just physical. But she can't pretend the physical part isn't there.
Jane finds Maura's eyes, which look away as soon as Jane takes a step forward. "Okay, I admit it. I'm attracted to you. Drunk and sober."
Hazel darts to chocolate. "That's hardly a surprise, Jane. Surprise me."
Jane chuckles at the challenge. "Wanna know what I thought the first time I met you?"
Maura recrosses her arms, guarding herself from the insults that she is sure are to come. "In detention?"
"Before that."
"In the hallway? We hardly-"
A deep husky laugh cuts Maura off.
"You don't even know, do you?"
"Know what?"
"Who do you think carried you in after you fainted?"
Confusion turns to realization. Maura mouth hangs open in amazement. "That- that was you?"
"Yeah," is the simple and smug reply. "Before you ever said a word, before you ever saw me, before any of this, I carried you in arms, and you know what's the first thing I thought in my head? Hm?"
Maura's mind spins as she remembers one of the most uncomfortable moments of her life. The day she fainted from the stress of her first day at school. The memory of the scared little girl she was three weeks ago comes back full force and, for a brief moment, it's almost as if she's back in that terrifying moment. Is this why Jane was so mean to her at first? Because she thought Maura was… "Gelata crura?" she whispers.
"Are we even having the same conversation here?" deadpans Jane, "No, I thought, 'Wow. I wonder what color her eyes are'."
"Really?" Maura asks uncertain if this is a joke.
"Corny, right?" smirks Jane, but not in that cocky way she usually does. It's almost shy and Maura scrutinizes her, catching another glimpse of this deceptively complex girl.
Feeling a little uncomfortable with her admission, Jane sighs exaggeratedly before continuing, "And then we actually talked and I thought, 'Maybe she's crazy'. And then we talked some more and I thought, 'Yep, mad as a hatter'."
Maura rolls her eyes playfully, catching Jane's teasing tone. "I thought you found me cute."
She scratches the back of her neck, "That was before we ended up in bed. And you know what my first thought after that was? Frost."
"Barry?"
Jane nods and they share a loud silence filled with questioning eyes. Jane is trying her hardest to say the right things, and for once it's for the right reasons.
"I'm sure you're a nice girl, Maura, but just in case you haven't noticed, the boy's head over heels for you."
"I had a feeling about that."
"You knew he liked you but you're still coming after me?"
"I'm hardly coming after you, I was just having some fun. You had no problem with it before Monday. And as for Barry, I didn't want to assume, but he was exhibiting all the classic signs of attraction." As were you, she refrains.
Jane nods to herself quietly for a moment. "Lemme guess, you don't feel the same about him."
Hesitating to say an outright 'No', Maura tries to euphemize the truth, "Barry's a very nice guy-"
"Great then! You're a nice girl, he's a nice guy, you'll make a nice couple."
"I'm not going to date him just because you feel guilty. Besides, I don't want a relationship right now."
As if a low blow has just been dealt to her, Jane moans in agony and turns around to support herself against the balcony rail. "Great. Just great. That's the best thing any girl has ever said, but I can't do anything about it because…"
"Because you're celibate?"
Jane gives Maura a look as if she's being random again. "Because... I've hurt Frost enough for a lifetime."
Maura is struggling enough as it is to keep up with this conversation, and then Jane says that. "What do you mean?"
"Y'know your pal Suzie?"
"What about her?"
"Well," Jane flicks the ash off her cigarette and inhales, her reply accompanied by a small cloud of smoke. "Frost used to have a crush on her too. Long story short, about a year or so back, we were all at a party, we were all drunk, and me and Suzie spent 10 minutes in Heaven. Frost wouldn't even look at me for weeks, let alone talk."
Maura actually coughs in astonishment, unable to get the words out on her first attempt. She tries again. "Y-you and Suzie?"
Jane nods and then shakes her head.
"It meant nothing to me, or Chang I think, but it meant something to him, so I don't want a repeat of that. I won't let this," she points between the two of them, "ruin my friendship with him, Maura."
Maura frowns in understanding and frustration. Things are starting to make a little more sense about Jane's hold and cold behavior.
"I would hate to get in the middle of your friendship with Barry, but wouldn't he be understanding of our mutual attraction?"
Jane scoffs, creating a cloud of smoke from her last puff. "He'd punch me."
"I thought you said he's a nice guy. And I'm not even his girlfriend."
"But he called dibs!" Jane reasons.
"I resent that. I am not property."
"Dibs in a romantic way, promise."
"Frankly, I don't care. He's very sweet but all I want is his friendship."
Jane stares down at Maura through half-lidded eyes and a faint smirk.
"Oh, so what do you want from me then?" she husks.
Maura smiles thoughtfully for a few long moments, biting her bottom lip. With a soft sigh, she turns around and re-enters her bedroom, leaving Jane in suspense. The athlete flicks her cigarette bud over the balcony and quickly follows her in just in time to hear Maura's answer.
"Nothing."
Jane stills. "Nothing?"
Settling back down on the floor, she takes Jane's textbook and flips through it lazily. "I thought you'd sound more relieved."
"I am, but let's be honest here. You haven't been acting like you want nothing from me," says Jane, sitting next to her.
With an eyebrow quirk, "And what if I did want something from you?"
"Like what?" Jane shrugs.
"More than friendship."
Their gazes meet. Jane licks her lips and swallows dryly.
"Do you or don't you?"
"Do you?"
"That's a question, not an answer."
"No, I suppose not... Anyway, you held up your end of the bargain. People noticed me for the first time in my life. Now it's my turn. So let's study."
"What, just like that?"
"You have exactly 16 hours to prepare for tomorrow's test. Would you prefer to continue going around in circles about us," or the lack thereof, "or be more productive?"
Jane rolls her eyes, getting frustrated with this deflection, but at least Maura seems to understand. "I came here to study, but also to say I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what?"
"For using you. Having sex with you and then running away."
"Jane, we may have slept together, but we didn't have sex."
"What!" she exclaims.
"What?"
"Whataya mean, what? We didn't have sex?!"
"Of course not," smiles Maura. Her imagination had nothing on the real-life reaction she thought her lab partner would have at the revelation of the full truth, but Jane has shared a lot already. Tit for tat.
"You and I did not have sex! Oh my God! Are you sure?"
"Of course I am."
"I mean, you were kind of a tequila mockingbird there, so maybe..."
"That isn't something that would slip my mind. I would know."
"You haven't fainted yet so… wow. And there was no distinct smell of sex the next morning… Not even just a little-?"
Jane makes crude hand gestures.
"We didn't even kiss."
"Oh yeah, that's right."
Phew! Bullet dodged. Big time.
Plus, Jane would have hated to have had that happen and then not remember it.
"You seem pleased with yourself."
"I am. For once, I'm actually happy about not getting laid." Jane laughs.
"I thought you were celibate."
"I said I was something like that. And to be honest, you weren't supposed to believe me."
Maura can't help but smile and roll her eyes. They study for the rest of the night until Jane has to leave.
Every once in a while Jane asks Maura to clarify once more that they did not have sexual relations of any kind.
Maura Isles is a very open-minded person. Not just in the sense that her brain is like sponge that absorbs everything around her, but also in the sense that she understands that human beings are all not the same. This fact makes her life more difficult since she struggles with people sometimes, most times, but the rest of the time it clears her head of any expectations so she can listen better without judgment or interrupting.
So she surprised herself when, come Friday morning, she stormed down the hallway to find and interrogate Suzie Chang. "Were you using me to get revenge on Jane?"
Seemingly expecting such a reaction from her, the Chang only excuses herself from her other friends and drags Maura into the girls' bathroom.
"Good morning to you too, Maura," she says sarcastically, making Maura feel a little embarrassed and rude.
"Good morning, Suzie. How are you?"
"Can't complain, and yourself?"
"I'm a little confused."
"Oh, really? This wouldn't happen to be about Jane would it?"
"In fact, it is."
"So she told you about our very brief history?"
"You spent ten minutes in heaven together, if I recall correctly."
"You have no idea what that means, do you?"
"I was hoping you would explain that to me. As well as why you failed to mention it to me yourself. I thought we were friends. Was I wrong?"
"Whoa, no. Of course we're friends. Jane and I kissed. That's it. Did I enjoy it? Heck yeah! Am I gonna pine over her like some love-sick puppy? No. I wasn't using you as some pawn in a ploy against Jane Rizzoli. Is that what she thinks?"
"No. She was just really upset at the thought that she may have betrayed Barry."
"And what does Frost have to do with anything?"
"Apparently, he and Jane didn't talk for a long time after she kissed you. Because he had a crush on you and now he has a crush on me so…"
"Shut the front door! Frost had a crush on me? I have a crush on him!"
"Really? Then you should tell him."
"Yeah, like the way you told Jane, right? Besides, he's into you now so…"
"I don't have a crush on Jane. I simply find her physically attractive-"
"And you think it's sweet that she cares about her best-friend's feelings so much, right?"
"She's a good friend when she's sober. But she and I are strictly classmates."
"For now… So you want me to confess my undying like for Frost so Jane won't feel guilty about kissing you?"
"Suzie. If you like Barry, you should tell him. Whatever does or does not happen between Jane and I is irrelevant."
"You're really mature for your age y'know that?"
"Yes."
"Ah. Good then. Remember when I told you to be careful with Jane, the first time we met?"
"Yes."
"Well, don't forget. I know you're in denial right now, and that's okay, but the moment you find yourself on the edge of falling, turn the other way and run."
A/N: Whataya Want From Me by ADAM LAMBERT. I'll fix this chapter later, but I just had to get it out. The slow burn is killing me more than you guys realize. I wish they'd just kiss already, y'know? But thanks so much for reading, and check out Be Kind, Rewind if grown-up Angst is also your thing. I'm trying it out.