Author's note: Thank you very much for the reviews and the moose advices!
...
June
Chapter Fourteen – I Guess The Sun Is Back
"She was all the things I wasn't. And I was all the things she wasn't. She could paint circles around anyone; I couldn't even draw a straight line. She was never into sports; I've always been. Her hand, it fit mine."
Something had happened within Jane since the day she and Maura had become lovers. A weight had been lifted from Jane's shoulders, something had stopped pressing on her chest. The nightmares weren't gone and she certainly hadn't forgotten about Hannah but the sun was back on her life. And it was shining high, echoing endless laughter and smiles.
"You're gonna be cold!"
She leaned her chin on the back of her hands and watched Maura step out of the lake. It was a sunny day but still too cold for a swim according to the way Jane's toenail had turned blue as soon as she had timidly plunged it in the water. But Maura was braver. Unless she was just crazy. She had plunged in the fresh waters and went for a swim, finding it invigorating and excellent for the skin.
"You haven't read much, today. Are you alright?"
Jane cast a glance at the copy of The Pact as Maura's lips brushed her nape in a stolen kiss. They now went to Greenville Public Library every week to borrow books. They hadn't read Dan and Martha's entire collection but now that two other couples had arrived at the lake, Jane didn't want to disturb them with her literature requests too often.
If the cover of Jodi Picoult's novel had immediately caught her attention – the picture of two intertwined hands – the synopsis had taken her slightly aback.
It was the first time that she read such a dark novel; the first time she also dared to face the smell of gunpowder again through the tragic fate of the protagonist. But the words had won the battle against her apprehension and she enjoyed the parallel to this state of perfect happiness she was now having with Maura. The bittersweetness of the novel did not have as much of an impact on Jane as the symbiotic relation it described.
"Is it because everyone arrives tomorrow? You will do just fine, Jane."
As a matter of fact, she was glad to see her mother and Frost and Korsak again. The moment she had learned that they were visiting them, a powerful feeling had squeezed her heart and she had understood how much she missed them. The excitement hadn't lasted long enough to make her days smooth and peaceful though. She was stressed.
What if they reminded her too much of the shooting? What if they brought along with them all the things she had tried to put aside and vaguely accept thanks to the distance she had taken with them?
And then there was her relation with Maura. They didn't know what had happened. They didn't know about the sun that kept her warm even during the night when flashbacks of a darker time haunted her mind.
She was about to reply when Martha's voice rose in their backs. Jane and Maura turned around at the same time to look at the owner of the resort walk towards them. The large bouquet of wildflowers she was holding in her arms hid most of her shirt.
She waved a key.
"The cabin for your friends is ready. Would you like to see it? I picked up these flowers for them. I hope they'll enjoy the bouquet."
"That's really nice of you." The warmth of the wooden boards of the pier wrapped up Jane's feet as she stood up to welcome Martha. "But I'm sure Korsak will mostly be interested in your blueberry pie."
...
The Tomhegan Cabin looked a lot like Jane and Maura's. It was located a bit further down the lake, at the end of another path. The smell of pine tree and sun went up Jane's nose as she stepped in. The singular scent of the lake.
The sunset pierced through large sliding doors that led to a small balcony that overlooked the lake; its ribbon of blue spreading in front of her eyes almost endlessly, far in the distance. The view was breathtaking.
"We can see Mount Kineo on a sunny day. I have checked the weather forecast and your friends couldn't have chosen a better week to pay you a visit! It is going to be very sunny. The summer is definitely on its way!"
Jane observed the bouquet of flowers. It was now in a vase on top of the kitchen counter next to a couple of postcards of the area and a welcome basket. Had they had one themselves? She had been in such a state when they had arrived that she hadn't paid attention at all to the details.
"I know it will only be the two of them but there are three bedrooms in this cabin."
Jane and Maura followed the host to the first floor. The master bedroom overlooked the lake. It was small but cozy. The second bedroom was opposite the hallway, next to the bathroom. The bedspreads were handmade and Jane recognized on the wall the same broidery that the one she and Maura had in their own bedroom.
Martha had made it all herself, year after year. She had left behind this Bostonian life she and Dan rarely talked about to build herself a second existence – one closer to her aspirations – in Maine.
"And here... A children's bedroom!"
Martha's joyful voice resounded so icily in Jane's head that she stopped right in her tracks; a hand on the door frame. She closed her eyes and swallowed hard. A strong dizziness had made her lose her balance. She lacked air.
A stifled moan managed to escape from her throat and she rushed outside without a word, leaving a confused Martha and a worried Maura behind.
Everything in the third room seemed to yell Hannah's name; the innocence of the childhood Jane had reduced to a tragic fate. The bunk beds, the bright colors of the walls. The naive broideries of moose.
-It's frustrating.
-What is frustrating, Jane?
-Everything. The way I manage to enjoy the happiness Maura brings me only to see it destroyed by these panic attacks that won't leave me in peace. It's annoying... How long is it supposed to last? Why is still happening? I... I almost find it harder now because... Because of the good things I'm having. The contrast is sharp, too sharp. The absence of transition between both states of mind is killing me. I'm so tired of it.
-And yet their frequence has subdued. This is a very long process but you are honestly doing very good. Within two months, you have improved so much that you even accepted to love and to be loved again. It takes time, and patience. I understand your frustration but there isn't much we can do about it. Your subconscious is talking for you. These dark glimpses are now only there to remind you that you are still grieving.
-But will it cease at some point?
The second of hesitation in her psychiatrist's reply echoed in her head as she stopped – breathless – by the door of her own cabin. A second. It had barely lasted a second. Yet it had been enough for Jane to understand that she might have to deal with these panic attacks for the rest of her life; that this wasn't something she could really control.
Especially since she had decided to stop her medical treatment.
"Come here."
She should have been surprised by Maura's presence in her back but her body had turned so numb that she had plunged in this lethargy she couldn't stand. A natural reaction before the psychological shock. She knew the process by heart but it didn't help at all. Her frustration was still there, just like the shaking and the tears that were now running down her face.
"The mind is a remarkable thing. Just because you can't see the wound doesn't mean it isn't hurting."
The heat of Maura's body against hers got an immediate soothing effect. She closed her eyes and accepted the hug.
Every time they touched, Jane had the feeling to feed herself of Maura's energy as if her breath passed underneath her skin to then merge into her own blood cells and the whole created an entity stronger than anything she had ever felt. It didn't last forever but it was worth a thousand pills, worth any drug on the market. There was no haze with Maura, just this surge of happiness that seemed to come from nowhere.
Her wounds were invisible – like the ones of Jodi Picoult's protagonist – but Maura's support and love had a healing power on them. They didn't burn anymore.
They hurt – a lot – but the suffering had nothing to do with what she had felt before. Like a snowball effect of feelings, her new relation with Maura had soothed her distress and had swept away her guilt. She couldn't even say that it was still here in a corner of her mind, all day long. This wasn't true. Sometimes, she spent hours not thinking about it.
And she felt so fine by then, so close to a blurry notion she wanted to reach. Something peaceful, serene.
"Let's go inside. How about taking a bath?"
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have left like that. Martha must have thought..."
Maura's thumb pressed on her lips with tenderness. The words ceased, soon replaced by a shy smile. She had to stop thinking about what the others could think. She gave too much importance to it.
That was what Dr. Stepson had told her the last time Jane had called her.
You don't have to apologize for having feelings, for having reactions. People won't hold them against you. They can understand even if you remain silent, even if you don't explain why you have these reactions. One can always get it. You're just being alive. It's all fine.
The only issue being that it wasn't the kind of alive Jane wanted to be.
The one she liked was the one she was having now with Maura; plunged in a warm, comforting bath. Her head leaned against her lover's shoulder, their chests pressing against each other one. Then she succumbed to the pace of Maura's heartbeats that every night rocked her to sleep.
This was the kind of alive Jane wanted to be.