Persephone1: Sorry the chapter is so late! I can't speak for Lawli, but I've been so preoccupied with current chapters that I actually kinda sorta forgot about old ones that we still hadn't posted yet. My bad guys. I would say this won't happen again but... the truth is it almost certainly will.
Lawli: Sorry we are trash. D: But we swear this story will (eventually) have an ending! We love it too much to ever abandon it!
Chapter 14: Songs in My Head
"Close your eyes."
Lelouch did as told, allowing the comfortable pressure of C.C.'s hands on either side of his head. They were in Zero's room, seated side by side on the plush, rarely used bed. C.C. had insisted on somewhere comfortable in case he were to lose consciousness. Lelouch would have rather used his own room within the Avalon, but they both knew going there was impossible, for many reasons.
"Imagine your mind as a hallway," C.C. said. "It is long. Endless. This hallway leads to many different things - memories, the library of knowledge you've cultivated throughout your life - but first, there are two doors. They stand side by side. They may appear similar, but they are not identical. The subtle differences represent your differing characters. One door belongs to you, and the other to Zero."
Lelouch did not need to be told. He'd been to this place many times, wandered this hallway in solitude the countless hours he'd been held prisoner here after learning of Zero's existence. In the mind of an average person, in this hallway - the Personal Unconscious, C.C. called it - there were no doors. The hallway just opened into a singular room. But Lelouch was different, and he wanted to know why. He was honestly surprised when C.C. agreed to help him discover the answer.
Of course, she could have been even kinder by just telling him, but she insisted it was something he needed to learn on his own. By now, her general unhelpful attitude hardly surprised him.
"You are not focusing," C.C. admonished, and Lelouch sighed and cleared his thoughts to try again. C.C. called his Personal Unconscious into focus, and this time Lelouch saw it - more than saw it. He was transported there; the walls of Zero's chamber melting away to limitless grayscale surroundings.
Just as he'd seen in the past there were two doors; one smooth dark wood, finely trimmed in gold and seeming to belong to one of noble birth, the other also of wood but rotted over time, bearing a wing-like sigil that made Lelouch's head ache.
Despite the nauseous pounding, he approached the second door. He half expected it to be locked, but was met with not even the slightest resistance when he gave the door a gentle push.
"You shouldn't be here."
Lelouch was drawn from thoughts of how ordinary the room appeared - it looked like the inside of a tent, with a neat little bed roll and paintings scattered across the floor. Zero stood at the other side of the tent, arms crossed.
"Why not?" Lelouch demanded, making himself at home in the tent. Zero could not hurt him; not if they were one in the same. "You've entered my room many times in the past. Out of curiosity, how did you transform the surroundings like that?"
His Personal Unconscious was neither a palace nor a graveyard, and yet Zero had made it appear as both, in those visits Lelouch first thought were only dreams.
"A good magician never reveals his secrets."
"Hm. Is that what you are?" Lelouch reached down for one of the paintings. A young child with mousy brown hair whom Lelouch had never seen before. "A magician?"
"I am many things," Zero said, crossing the room quickly to pull the painting from Lelouch's hands. He held it carefully, a strange tenderness in his red eyes that Lelouch had never seen before, not even directed toward Suzaku. "And none of those things are your business."
"I disagree." If he was Zero and Zero was him, they should know everything about each other. Zero already seemed to know a great deal about him; it was only fair to even the odds. "So who are you? Where did you come from?"
Zero didn't answer. First Lelouch thought it might be because there was no answer - perhaps Zero really didn't know anything - but then he felt a sharp tugging behind his eyes, a pain that rattled down his spine and threatened to bring him to his knees. He knew that feeling, knew what it meant, and he wouldn't let Zero get his way - not before he had his answers.
Zero threw him an exasperated look. "It is as you know," he said finally. "We are one in the same."
"But one of us came first," Lelouch pressed, resisting another pull at his control. The body was still his, even if he was physically unconscious, and he would not surrender it so easily this time around. "So who was it?"
"What difference does it make?" Zero hissed.
Lelouch smirked. The defensive tone of Zero's voice was an answer in itself. "It was me," he said, a rush of victory making his voice tremble. With a snarl Zero rounded on him, and Lelouch did not think it was coincidence the room temperature suddenly dropped drastically. Still, Lelouch did not flinch. He squared his shoulders and met Zero's glowing, blood-red eyes. "So where did you come from, imposter? And why?"
"I am no imposter. I am a facet of Lelouch Lamperouge, just as you are."
Lelouch blinked. What did Zero mean, just as he was? Lelouch was Lelouch Lamperouge - the only Lelouch Lamperouge - not just some piece of a whole. Wasn't he?
"I am the his fear, his anger, and his regret. I am everything he wished to forget, and the power that comes with what he can no longer remember."
Zero advanced again, and the strange glint in his eyes made Lelouch take a step back, despite his resolve not to fall victim to any intimidation technique Zero might try to use. He swallowed, soon finding himself pressed against the door of Zero's Personal Unconscious. All he had to do was open the door, run back down the hallway and reawaken himself - but he couldn't move. Something had paralyzed his limbs, frozen his mind. Power, Zero said; he was the power Lelouch could no longer remember...
Just because he could not remember it, however, did not mean it was no longer there.
"It would have destroyed you years ago," Zero seethed. "If not for me. I saved you that day. You called out for me and I saved you, took on all the pain you were too weak to carry. The only reason you are still alive is because of me - because I allow you to live."
Lelouch closed his eyes, searching within himself. What did power feel like? How would he know it when he came across it, how could he utilize it? Perhaps it was something he didn't even need to find. Perhaps he only needed to will it into existence, the way he had the Hallway.
Clenching his fists, Lelouch concentrated. He wanted Zero to back away, but more than that he wanted to be able to move freely again
"And I only allow it for him," Zero was saying. The mention of Suzaku sent a fresh stab of pain into his heart, but Lelouch could not dwell on it long.
Enough. Let me go.
Let me go.
Zero faltered, his eyes widening infinitesimally - just enough for Lelouch to know something was wrong.
Let me GO.
Zero gasped, eyes flashing for a moment. Lelouch lurched to the side, the invisible strings holding his limbs in place snapping. Before Zero could rebuild the strands of his control Lelouch wrenched the door to the room open and threw himself back into the hallway.
He saw Suzaku.
The hallway had faded, and before him, where his own door should have been, Suzaku stood beside the bed where sat his body and C.C. He couldn't make out what they were saying, even after he tried tapping into that hidden power again, and so he could only watch, reading their facial expressions to try and garner the subject of their conversation. It wasn't hard to figure out. Suzaku mouthed two syllables, his expression becoming particularly pained, and Lelouch knew they were speaking of him. Suzaku hesitated to touch his body, making Lelouch wonder how he had reacted to walking in and discovering him like that. No doubt he would have accused C.C. of foul play.
Lelouch reached out, trying to brush a hand through Suzaku's hair. It was so strange. He was right there, and yet his hand passed right through Suzaku's body.
"He's not really here. You must have wanted to see him subconsciously. That's why you're seeing him now. But you can't interact with him."
Lelouch had the feeling Zero had exploited this ability many times in the past, but did not contemplate the notion for long. The last thing he wanted was to cast a sympathetic light on Zero. Instead, he asked, "How could you do this to him?"
Zero stiffened beside him. "I - I have tried everything to provide for him."
"He doesn't want to be provided for! He wants to go home - but you destroyed it, you destroyed everything." Destroyed their chance of a happy life together, running away and living freely. Destroyed the Avalon which had held precious memories, destroyed friendships and lives. "Everything he's ever wanted and worked for."
"I have given him more than that lousy job ever could. Here he is not looked down upon. Here-"
"Here he is locked away like some stolen artifact!"
"You twist my intentions," Zero said, eyes narrowing.
Lelouch sneered. "Your intentions? You want to control him, to possess him. You care nothing of Suzaku's own happiness, only your own twisted desires." Zero could use whatever flowery language he wanted to paint the picture of wanting to provide a better life for the one he loved, but the truth was much simpler than that. "If you loved him you would let him go."
"Do not assume my feelings for him do not run as deeply as your own."
Lelouch did not say anything to that. He was sure Zero did love Suzaku, but it was clear at this point that love had festered into something toxic; love had turned to obsession and madness, and if it continued for much longer all their lives would be in danger.
Suzaku smiled suddenly - just a small upturning of his lips, not the smile that lit up his features. Lelouch hadn't seen that smile in a long time, just this frail attempt at happiness, weighted down by the overwhelming sadness in Suzaku's eyes. Lelouch watched him pick up the scraggly gray cat, rolling his eyes. Suzaku had introduced him to the cat the last time he'd wrested control of the body, and Lelouch couldn't say he cared much for the beast.
He'd never been fond of animals, though the cat held nothing but affection for him, rubbing against his legs insistently and purring the entire time. Lelouch hadn't minded so much until Suzaku tried to pet him and Arthur turned his razor-sharp teeth on Suzaku's hand.
Apparently Suzaku still hadn't learned his lesson. Lelouch watched as he winced and yanked his hand away from Arthur's snapping jaws. All was forgiven as soon as the cat curled up on Suzaku's lap.
"Can't believe you brought in that cat," Lelouch snapped at Zero. "Cats despise Suzaku."
"I wanted to kill it after I saw what it did to his hand," Zero said defensively. "He wouldn't let me. He said he wanted the beast. Suzaku has a tender heart."
Lelouch scoffed. "Suzaku takes pity on any defenseless creature. And he always ends up hurting for it." He threw Zero a pointed look. "It's no different with you."
"Don't presume to know about our relationship."
"I'm not presuming. Suzaku told me everything about your relationship."
Zero smirked, and it was eerie to look upon the expression he'd worn on his own face countless times. "Then you know he has feelings for me."
The words did not incite anger, as surely they were meant to. Lelouch had long since come to terms with the fact that Suzaku harbored a strange attraction for Zero. He'd gotten over his jealousy (or at least, had handled it to the point where it was manageable), and thus was able to remain calm and assured. "I know he had feelings for you." Zero's throat tightened as he swallowed, the tendons straining against skin, and Lelouch was familiar enough with the response to know he'd won. "Whatever he may have felt is inconsequential now. He will never love you. You can't win his love by making him your prisoner. If you keep him here he will only grow to hate you more."
Zero stood there for a moment, hands clenched tightly to his sides and forehead deeply furrowed and eyes battling between rage and fear.
Lelouch was not surprised to feel a push, as if he was caught up in a great wind, forcing him back into his soul's room. He was still too weak to fight against the current, but it didn't matter. He was right, Zero knew he was right, but was unable to deal with what that meant. So instead he ended the conversation, wrapped himself in an armor of denial, and ran away from the uncomfortable truth.
Lelouch's laughter echoed through the hall long after the door slammed in his face.
It turned out there were limits even to Suzaku's patience. Too long he'd been stuck in this twisted parody of domesticity Zero created, without satisfactory answers, without hope or even an inkling of what was in store for him and Lelouch next. Would things continue like this, a stagnant limbo wherein Suzaku only existed for the next possibility of Lelouch's consciousness awakening? That wasn't living; even Zero, with all his skewed perceptions of love and life, had to realize that.
"I think he knows it's futile," C.C. said. When he'd heard voices from within Zero's room, he'd gone to investigate. C.C.'s presence surprised him, not only because he thought she'd fled with everyone else the night of the Requiem but also because it meant someone besides Zero knew their way in and out of the lair. The possibilities that arose from that discovery quickly diminished upon sight of the body on the bed next to her. Lelouch laid there, his limbs still with sleep but eyes open and eerily unblinking. He was in the space between reality and dreams, C.C. had explained enigmatically; wandering the halls of his Personal Unconscious - whatever that meant.
"Why continue this farce, then?" Suzaku wondered, eyes still locked on Lelouch, unable to bring himself to touch even as curiosity gnawed at him. "What does Zero hope to gain?"
C.C. reached over and combed her fingers through Arthur's fur. The cat arched delightedly from his position on Suzaku's lap. "I don't think he knows of any other option. He's set himself up as the villain, and he can't come back from that."
"But he can," Suzaku insisted, "if he just lets me and Lelouch go-"
"It's not as simple as that, boy. If he lets you go - lets both of you go - he will have to sacrifice himself. I don't think you realize..." She paused, rubbing under Arthur's chin. The cat began to purr, nuzzling closer to her hand and, and Suzaku couldn't help but feel a bit betrayed. "By asking him to let you be with Lelouch, you are essentially asking him to kill himself."
"Am I supposed to care?" The second the words came out, he regretted them. A guilty flush crept up his cheeks. He hated Zero - truly hated him for what he had done - but despite that, Suzaku didn't want any more death on his hands. Enough lives had been lost because of him. Even still...
"He chose this path." Zero deserved every misfortune that befell him. Not just for ruining Suzaku's life, but everyone's at the Avalon.
C.C. smiled knowingly. "You still love him." When Suzaku made to protest, she held a hand up. "It doesn't matter what you say, boy. I can see it. You don't want him dead because some small part of you still burns for him."
Suzaku didn't say anything to that, realizing that any denial would only confirm suspicions in C.C.'s eyes. Instead he asked, "How do you know so much? Lelouch said you took care of him as a kid, but the way you speak about Zero... There's a lot you still aren't telling us."
"Remarkable. You should be a private investigator with those deductive skills."
By this point, insults to his intelligence were expected from the woman. Suzaku ignored the obvious diversion tactic. C.C. sighed at his unfaltering resolve.
"Lelouch has more power in this situation than he realizes," she said. "However much Zero's consciousness may have grown independent, it does not change the fact that he was born out of a desire to protect Lelouch."
Suzaku blinked curiously. "What do you mean?"
"When he was a child he witnessed something traumatizing. Something his young mind was unable to cope with."
"Lady Marianne's murder," Suzaku whispered. How many nights had he spent easing an incoherent Lelouch from nightmares, how many times had Lelouch vehemently refused to consider any vestige of the past, insistent that only the future mattered? Suzaku hadn't even liked his father and his death had nearly destroyed him. Who knew how watching his beloved mother die could have damaged Lelouch?
C.C. nodded. "Correct. The death of a loved one is never easy, you know that very well. But to see it happen before your eyes, and so brutally, at such a young age... It was enough to break him. It very nearly did. Zero was created to keep him alive, shield him from those memories that threatened to destroy him."
Suzaku still did not understand how that was possible. Even after witnessing the phenomenon firsthand it did not seem possible that a mind could divide in two. How could two souls reside in one body - or were they not two souls at all? Two halves of a whole. None of it made sense. "It sounds like magic." Something from a fairy tale.
"It is," C.C. said casually, as if discussing something as mundane as the weather. Suzaku gaped. "Very old magic, at that. Magic which Lelouch locked away when he created Zero."
Suzaku wanted to laugh. "So you're saying Zero has powers? Like a sorcerer?" There mere notion was ridiculous, because magic didn't exist. It wasn't real.
Part Suzaku knew that he was clinging to that logic because it seemed like the last remnant of his world that was falling apart around him.
C.C. did not share his amusement, if the sharp look she directed towards him was any indication. "I know you have difficulty utilizing the brain in your skull, but do try to think. This really shouldn't be a shock to you."
Once he got over his offense and the absurdity of this new idea, Suzaku did think, and quickly it came rushing back to him: he and Zero dancing to music that played of its own accord. He remembered all those times in Box Five when he wanted to leave, but his resolved crumbled like wet paper at the mere sound of Zero's voice. They were no parlor tricks, and they certainly could not be attributed as the skills of an ordinary man. And as considered the possibility of the supernatural, Suzaku felt growing horror in the pit of his stomach, because if Zero could get him to bend to his will with just the sound of his voice, what else could he do? Reduce Suzaku to a smiling doll, empty and eager to please? If he chose to do so, would Suzaku even recognize the change?
The idea of losing what little control he still had was unthinkable, especially if there was nothing he could do to stop it, but Suzaku had enough presence of mind to realize this was neither the time nor the place to break down about what might happen. He stifled these thoughts and forced himself to face the matter at hand. "What would happen if Lelouch regained this power?" There was no point asking how or why Lelouch possessing magic was even possible; not unless he wanted to be insulted again. Suzaku didn't think that was what really mattered, anyways.
C.C. tipped her head to the side thoughtfully. "That is the question, isn't it? We're all very curious."
Suzaku had a feeling she wasn't just referring to the two of them. The fact she wasn't even looking at him as she spoke only confirmed the suspicion, but Suzaku didn't press his luck by trying to get this information out of her. C.C. was selective about who she let in on her secrets, and had the aggravating habit of waiting until things got entirely out of hand before choosing to reveal them. For now, this was obviously all she thought Suzaku needed to know.
"Lelouch is the only one who can get rid of him." It was a bit of a shot in the dark, but with all C.C. hinted at with these revelations about magic, it made sense. "With that power. He can kill him just as easily as he made him."
"I wouldn't say just as easily. Perhaps if he was strong enough, but Zero has had a lot more practice than him. Right now Lelouch's mind is weak as a kitten's. Hence the purpose of this." She gestured to Lelouch, still unconscious and unaware of their conversation.
Suzaku's mind raced, trying to piece together all the information - not just from this conversation, but everything he'd learned about C.C. and Zero. "You're teaching him how to destroy him," he realized. C.C. remained silent, impassive as Suzaku searched her face for answers. "But why? I thought Zero... Isn't he your-"
"Zero is all of Lelouch's fear and anger and regret. He is also my biggest failure."
It dawned on him suddenly: everything that C.C. never said. The reason she looked after Lelouch, and pretended to be Zero's ally even while always planning for his destruction. "You were supposed to be there. The night Lady Marianne died." C.C.'s eyes widened a fraction. It was the only time he'd ever seen her taken off guard, and he felt a small surge of pride for being the one to unveil the truth. "Were you her servant?"
C.C. was very quiet. Suzaku assumed this was just another of those things he wasn't important enough to be privy to. "I was sold to her family as a young girl," she said finally. Suzaku caught her eyes, leaning forward slightly. "Dreadful thing, she was. Always ordering me around, or complaining about how I mended her clothes or brewed her tea wrong, or correcting my speech. I hated her." Her expression softened - just slightly, the tightness in the set of her mouth ebbing, but Suzaku recognized the look of fond remembrance. He was sure he adopted it whenever he reminisced on the time he and Lelouch spent together as children. "But I loved her. She was everything I ever hoped I could be. Beautiful, intelligent. Strong. She taught me how to read and write Britannian, and in return I taught her magic."
"Taught her? It's not something you're born with?"
C.C. shrugged. "A magician can learn tricks, sleights of hand. But true magic is something passed along through blood. One only needs to be aware of the power in order to cultivate it." She looked him up and down, lips curling in a derisive sneer. "Your blood possesses no such power."
Suzaku didn't know whether to be offended or grateful. Mainly he was still curious. "How do you know?"
"Just a hunch," she said. "You've always struck me as painfully ordinary."
Suzaku quickly decided he'd prefer to pay the price of being ordinary rather than risk accidentally severing his mind in half. The idea of magic sounded fantastical and awe-inspiring, but the frightening reality of it lay unconscious beside him on the bed. "Thanks," he murmured, leaning over to stroke Lelouch's hair absently. Disturbed by his constant shifting, Arthur hopped down from the bed to seek refuge in another part of the room.
C.C. laughed quietly. "Perhaps that was the draw with you," she mused. "I always wondered at what it could be. What it was about this plain, ordinary boy that so captivated my charge. You're not much to look at. Physically strong, but you don't particularly excel at anything."
Suzaku grit his teeth. "Yes, I get it. I'm too average for someone like Lelouch."
"Exactly. When Lelouch walks into a room, he's instantly set apart from the rest. Blame it on his bloodline, but there's an aura about him, something that makes others regard him instinctively as higher than themselves, unattainable. And yet..." C.C. tilted her head, "here you are, the closest person to him, just an Eleven."
"I was the Prime Minister's son," Suzaku pointed out, then clenched his jaw. He didn't want to think about his father, or the recent discovery he'd made about the night of his death.
"Hm. I don't see him in you at all."
"Excuse me?" Before C.C. could elaborate, Suzaku shook his head. Doubtless this was just another riddle to grate his nerves. He didn't need the aggravation. "Don't talk about my father."
C.C. huffed, disappointed by Suzaku's refusal to rise to her bait. "You're no fun."
"I'm not - this isn't about me. This is about Lelouch."
"Yes," C.C. agreed. "But right now there's nothing you can do for him."
"Well maybe I want to change that. I may not have magical blood in my veins, or possess any exceptional abilities, but there must be something I can do."
C.C. had already turned away from him, too bored with the conversation, it seemed, to even waste her attention on him. Suzaku growled and reached over, intent on turning her back around. He could feel the blood pounding in his ears, pulse racing as his anger mounted. Just because he was ordinary did not make him undeserving. There had to be something he could do, some way he could help Lelouch, and for C.C. to just dismiss him-
A burst of light erupted the instant he made contact with C.C.'s skin. The room around them melted away to pure, endless white. It took a moment for Suzaku's eyes to adjust, for his brain to process what had happened, but even then he could not accept it as reality. It had to be some kind of trick, or maybe he was just dreaming. All the talk of magic had gone to his head.
He heard voices rushing by - little fragments of sentences, incomplete and incomprehensible - and could even feel the emotion accompanying them. A little girl laughing, the cold chill of isolation, and the warmth of someone offering their hand. Suzaku brought a hand to his head and wondered what it could possibly mean. He crouched down on the floor and squeezed his eyes shut, and when he opened them again the voices were gone. He stared at a pair of bare, slender feet.
C.C. stood before him, completely naked, her expression one of unadulterated surprise. Suzaku flushed and politely averted his eyes, noticing only then that his clothes were gone too. But his mortification over that lasted only until he discovered the glowing red sigil on C.C.'s forehead. His body moved as if of its own accord. Slowly he moved forward, his hand rising until the tips of his fingers were pressed against the wing-like marking.
And then they were back in Zero's room, both fully clothed and right where they had been on Zero's bed. Suzaku scrambled to his feet, breathing heavily. "What was - what the hell was that?"
C.C. touched her forehead where the sigil had been. Her cat-like eyes were wide as she regarded Suzaku, as if seeing him for the first time. "Perhaps you are not so ordinary after all."
Zero woke from his slumber uncomfortably aware that someone was staring at him. C.C., probably, for Lelouch would never have been able to make it so far in the Personal Unconsciousness without her assistance. The knowledge hurt a little, but C.C. had long made it clear that her loyalties lied with whatever was most convenient for her, and Zero was a fool for expecting anything more from her.
With a small, irritated groan born from her presence and the inescapable fact that he had just done battle with Lelouch and lost, Zero opened his eyes.
He was immeasurably pleased when they met with emerald in favor of C.C.'s amber, a joy that only lasted for a split second as Suzaku gazed into his eyes intently for a moment before quickly looking away with thinly veiled disappointment.
Zero expected Suzaku to leave immediately after verifying that his lover was no longer present, but instead he stayed, perched as far on the edge of the bed as he could without falling off and looking everywhere but at him.
They stayed in a sort of impasse, neither moving nor talking, for several long seconds before Zero finally heaved a long sigh and broke the tension. "Why are you here, Suzaku?"
Suzaku laughed, the sound ringing hollow. "I could ask you the same question. Why am I here?"
Once Zero would have given him passionate claims of love and devotion as his reason, but now the answers ran dry on his lips. His feelings were still as true as the day he had first set eyes on Suzaku, but now he realized they weren't reason to keep Suzaku here. He had grand ideas in the beginning, romantic notions of how he would surround Suzaku with music and beauty, shower him with love and reverence and woo his way into his heart. Surely then Suzaku would see the depths of Zero's feelings, see that Lelouch was only a pale imitation in comparison, and accept Zero body and soul.
Instead, Suzaku had grown despondent, distant, and Zero found himself lonelier than ever. It was a special brand of misery to watch the love of his life fade away, especially when he remembered what their relationship had been like before, back when Suzaku had laughed and smiled without bitterness, looked at him not with loathing, but affection, even desire. He had wanted to be gentle, slowly grow that desire into love, but Lelouch had forced him to escalate his plans.
Now he was stuck, unable to restore what he and Suzaku once had, but equally unable to let Suzaku go. Admittedly, Zero recognized that was what he should do, and he would have, except for the fact that Suzaku wouldn't leave without Lelouch. For Zero to let him go would mean disappearing forever, and he knew he couldn't do that, couldn't admit defeat and let someone else have Suzaku.
"We'll be leaving soon," Zero said, sitting up slowly. The words came out unbidden. Leaving the Avalon had always been Zero's intention. The prince was looking for Lelouch, and the complex network of tunnels would only divert the search parties for so long, but he had wanted to get Suzaku accustomed to his new life first. Considering that seemed impossible now, there was no reason to delay. Perhaps a change of atmosphere would improve Suzaku's temperament somewhat. He had made no secret of how much he disliked the cavern.
But contrary to Zero's thoughts, Suzaku tensed. "What?"
"We'll hide in a secluded location long enough for me to get affairs in order, and then leave the country. I believe you had some interest in France, correct?"
Suzaku could feel something cold and tight form in the pit of his stomach. He had known, in the back of his mind, that they wouldn't stay here forever. It was far too dangerous for that, but as much as he had despised Zero's lair, it's proximity to the Avalon had been a comfort, as well as the idea that Suzaku could leave if he really wanted to. He never would, of course, but the option had been there. Such freedom wouldn't be as easy in a foreign country. More than that, France had been Suzaku and Lelouch's goal, and to go there with anyone else seemed wrong on countless levels.
"Suzaku?" Zero asked, concerned by his silence. Suzaku couldn't fathom why. He'd have thought Zero would be used to it by now.
"I'm not going," Suzaku said, and he couldn't hide the trill of panic in his voice, speeding up his heartbeat and making him light-headed. The thought of leaving his home, everything he knew and loved, for uncertainty and a mad man was too much. He could have done it if Lelouch was beside him, but his inconstant presence wasn't enough.
"Suzaku-"
"I'm not going!" Suzaku snapped, and he was well aware that he was becoming just a little hysterical, but there wasn't anything he could do to stop the tremors in his hands or the acceleration of his breathing. "You can't make me."
"That wasn't my intention," Zero replied. His tone was gentle, and Suzaku found that he actually would have preferred anger and cruelty. It made hating Zero so much easier. "It pains me to see you so unhappy."
Suzaku wanted to snort, but Zero sounded so sincere that he found himself unable to. Instead he grit his teeth and averted his gaze, trying to get a hold of himself.
"I love you. I know you don't believe me, but that is the truth. I've made mistakes, Suzaku, I can see that, but it is my hope that, in a new environment, we can make a fresh start."
"A fresh start at what? You can't make me love you," Suzaku pointed out, flinching at the tone of his own voice and the frightening knowledge that, despite his protests, Zero could. He done it before, bended Suzaku's mind with his words, to the point where Suzaku had felt ready to give up his very life to Zero's will, and the idea of it happening again terrified him.
Zero was thinking about it too, about his strange power to bind Suzaku and take away his choices. Suzaku could see it in those hateful red eyes.
"No, I can't," Zero said quietly, his tone grave. "I-I don't wish to bind you, Suzaku. I have seen those overcome by my voice before. They were... empty. Devoid of life, personality. I wish for a partner, a companion, not a beautiful doll."
At these words, Suzaku saw an image of himself in his mind's eye, vapid smile on his face, eyes glazed, blank, and he shivered.
"I would never do that to you," Zero insisted, so earnest that Suzaku thought he might even believe him. But then something in Zero's expression hardened, and Suzaku felt his stomach drop. "But you will go. It's dangerous for me to stay here any longer - and where I go, Lelouch goes. We both know you would never leave your prince's side."
The panic and resentment in Suzaku's veins surged into a feeling not unlike being crushed, before ebbing away into miserable resignation. At least now his mind was firmly immersed in hatred once again. That provided some small comfort.
"Why me?" Suzaku asked weakly.
Zero was taken aback. "What?"
"Why are you so fixated on me? I'm not beautiful, not talented or particularly intelligent. There's nothing special about me. So why, out of all the people you could have "fallen in love with," did it have to be me?" Suzaku asked. It was something he'd wondered about from the very beginning, but not something he had the courage to ask. But C.C. had emphasized that he needed to understand Zero - needed to accept that he was a part of Lelouch, just as Lelouch was a part of Zero - and to love both sides of the one man if he ever wished to fix what was broken.
Suzaku didn't know if that was possible, but he was willing to try, and he figured getting to the root of Zero's obsession was a good place to start.
The look on Zero's face appeared to be a cross between offense on Suzaku calling his love a "fixation" and alarm at Suzaku's brutally truthful description of his own character. Suzaku watched with a detached sort of interest as Zero tried to decide on which to react to, before he finally seemed to settle on the latter.
"You're special, Suzaku," Zero assured him, his voice taking on that detestably fond tone. "You're the most special person in the world to me. You're my angel, my everything. You saved my life."
The doubt must have shown on Suzaku's face, because Zero extended a hand, beckoning him. "Come, let me show you."
Against what Suzaku was certain was his better judgement, he followed.
Zero led him down a familiar narrow corridor hidden craftily behind his wardrobe, the room beyond which Suzaku could still recall from his nightmares. Nothing had changed since his only visit to the shrine. Painted versions of himself still smiled down at him from their canvas prisons, dark secrets locked away in their identical emerald eyes.
Just as last time, Suzaku felt his throat constrict in the telltale sign of claustrophobia. He tried to regulate his breathing, remind himself that he was safe. This was only a room, full of superficial things that lacked power unless he gave it to them.
The true power lay in the emotion behind the paintings. They had been a labor of more than just love - obsession. That was what this was. Zero's obsession.
Suzaku shuddered and focused on the floor, which seemed to be the only space unmarked by a rendition of him.
"What do you think?"
Suzaku wanted to laugh - because, really what could Zero expect him to say? This level of devotion was neither romantic nor flattering. It terrified him. Suzaku swallowed, throat dry. "I think you're insane," he said honestly, not missing the flash of hurt that crossed Zero's eyes. He was beyond checking his words. What difference would sparing Zero's feelings make? Zero was deranged and no matter what Suzaku said or did he would remain a prisoner until Zero tired of him or killed him, whichever came first. Civility at this point was an unnecessary formality.
One thing did make him curious, though. "How do you know what I looked like as a child?" He pointed to one of the paintings. The oil paint rendition couldn't be more than ten years old, green eyes wide and mischievous. The boy in the painting wore a blue hakama and extended his hand to the viewer, beckoning. Zero could have researched traditional Japanese clothing for inspiration, but the detail was too vivid to have been based solely off old artistic depictions.
Suzaku traced the water pattern on the hakama thoughtfully. No, this was drawn from life. Suzaku remembered owning a hakama just like this one. It had been made to match his cousin Kaguya's kimono. There were subtle differences. The hakama Suzaku owned had been a darker shade of blue, and there had been small koi fish sewn along the hem, but the resemblance was startling enough to take notice of.
But why draw him as a child at all? It seemed strange, unless Zero had known him back then.
"Those days I spent with Lelouch..." Was it possible Zero was in control even back then? No, that couldn't be possible. Lelouch shared all the same memories of their childhood as Suzaku.
"You don't remember?" Zero sounded vaguely discouraged.
Suzaku shrugged indifferently. "I don't know what I should be remembering." As the son of the former prime minister he'd attended many parties and fundraisers. There had been plenty of children at these events, probably even some Britannians. As far as he could recall, however, those guests had never included princes. "I met a lot of people back then. You would have stood out if I'd met you sooner." Just like Lelouch, Zero had an unforgettable quality about him.
Zero nodded, obviously disappointed. Then his eyes brightened. "You're right," he said. "I would have." He left Suzaku's side and approached a shelf on the far wall, from which he removed an umbrella that had definitely passed its fashionable prime. Despite it's age, however, it was exceptionally well cared for. "I'm sure you will remember this."
Blinking, Suzaku took the umbrella when Zero offered it to him. He ran his fingers over the polished wooden handle, examining it closely and marveling at the familiar weight of it in his hands. One look at the phoenix engraved into the wooden handle and he knew without a doubt who it belonged to.
"This is mine," he said, slowly, recalling the birthday-morning excitement with which he'd unwrapped the gift from Tohdoh. "Sensei gave it to me when I turned eight." His gaze turned suspiciously on Zero. "How did you get it?" Had Zero been obsessed with him for so long he would have actually taken from Suzaku's childhood home? Suzaku could not remember losing the umbrella. One day it had simply been gone, and as a child he hadn't questioned the absence of something so trivial, especially with so many umbrellas in the house to choose from.
Zero balked. "I didn't steal it, if that is what you are implying."
"Then how?" Suzaku demanded, the edge in his voice causing Zero to flinch and take a step back from him. It gave Suzaku a grim satisfaction to be able to hurt him this way, after all the times Zero had sharpened his words like knives to carelessly fling at others. Zero was now receiving a taste of his own medicine, and Suzaku hoped he choked as it went down.
"You don't need to feign ignorance just to wound me."
Zero tried his best to sound indifference, but underneath the fine layer of apathy Suzaku could clearly see the panic beginning to well up. Zero's act was no different from when Lelouch attempted bottling his emotions, and while it might have been enough to fool others, Suzaku had always known him better. Zero was struggling to maintain his composure, the seams in his facade cracking as the seconds passed and it became clear that whatever memory Zero possessed of their first meeting Suzaku did not share.
"You must remember," Zero insisted, and snatched the umbrella from Suzaku's hands before Suzaku had a chance to protest. He held the umbrella as if it were more precious than a rare jewel, cradling it to his chest as a mother would her firstborn child. "It was a long time ago, but you must!"
There was such desperation in his voice. The sense of victory Suzaku had been reveling in shriveled almost instantly. Suddenly he wished he could say he remembered, but the words turned to ash on his tongue. Lying would only hurt more. "Zero," he began, not knowing what else to say. There was no way he could apologize - nor did he even know if he should, if it would be sufficient to say he was sorry. Furthermore, why should he apologize? Zero had hurt him and Lelouch in far worse ways than this.
"No." Zero grasped Suzaku's shoulders in a surprisingly tight grip, forcing him back against the wall.
Suzaku shook his head. "Zero, let me go-"
"It was raining," Zero said, forcing Suzaku's head back to look up at the boy in the hakama. "You found me on the street, when I had lost all hope of human kindness, and you gave me this."
Yes, so many of the paintings coincided with Zero's story. Young Suzaku offered his umbrella up in almost every painting, except the almost angelic version Zero forced him to look upon now.
"Destiny brought you to me, Suzaku, when I had all but lost faith. Destiny holds us together still."
Tears pricked the corners of Suzaku's eyes as a familiar and fearful calm washed over him. Zero's power, attempting to wring control from him. As much as Zero claimed to not want Suzaku as a mindless puppet who loved him, it seemed as if this revelation had been enough to snap the threads of control Zero had on that power. But even so, it made no difference. Suzaku couldn't do what Zero wished of him. He couldn't share in a moment he didn't remember.
"It wasn't destiny," he tried, forcing the words out and hoping Zero could hear him through his denial. "It was chance, Zero. Nothing more than chance." He'd been a child. If he'd come across a boy in the rain it didn't seem uncharacteristic that he would have unthinkingly offered his umbrella. But, having not been thinking, his child self certainly would not have taken the time to actually take stock of what the boy looked like.
"Don't," Zero hissed. "Don't say that!" Again his head was forced back once more, scraping against the rough wall of rock. Suzaku reached up, clawing at Zero's wrist, but Zero either did not feel it or did not care.
Suzaku could understand his despair, in a way. It was the same as the fear he himself had experienced upon glimpsing Lelouch for the first time in ten years - the fear Lelouch wouldn't remember him from back then, or worse, wouldn't have held on to the feelings that sustained Suzaku as he grew over the years. The memory that had been so fleeting and forgettable to Suzaku had radically shaken Zero's life, paving the way for the man he was today. Zero considered him a savior, an angel sent by fate to be with him, and to hear the Suzaku was not - that Suzaku could not even recall that meeting that had such an impact on Zero - eroded the foundations Zero built his life on.
"Sorry." He winced as Zero pulled him forward just to shove him back again. He turned his head in hopes of lessening the damage, but the edge of a rock caught his brow. The sight of blood trickling from the cut seemed to pull Zero back to himself for he released his hold on Suzaku and stumbling away, red eyes haunted.
A soft clatter echoed off the cavern walls as the umbrella fell from Zero's other hand. Suzaku tilted his head down and stared at it, trying to imagine a young Zero huddled in the rain, receiving his first glimpse of kindness from another human being, and hated himself for how little the moment had meant to him, how quickly it had slipped from his own memory. "I'm so sorry."
"Suzaku..."
Whatever else Zero might have said was lost on Suzaku as the entire room tilted onto a dangerous angle. It was a very familiar sensation, and even the thought that crossed his mind of hitting his head too hard echoed that of a time which now seemed very long ago. Funny, how the past repeated itself. So much had changed, and yet stayed exactly the same. Instead of the ground reaching up to catch him, however, a pair of arms reached out to break his fall.
The last thought that came to Suzaku before he lost consciousness was that he would have preferred the cold, hard floor.
For a single, terrifying second, Zero had no idea if Suzaku was still breathing. The panic abated just as quickly, for he could see him inhaling lightly through his nose, feel the steady heartbeat, but the revelation wasn't as reassuring as it should have been. He looked so small in Zero's arms, vulnerable in a way that Zero had never seen him before. He could see the bruises already, peeking out from Suzaku's shirt in a dark imprint of cruel fingers.
And, quite suddenly, Zero's mind flashed back to another night, another set of bruises on Suzaku's skin. And Suzaku had merely smiled, helpless and so very sad. He hadn't noticed Zero following him home that night long ago. It had been so easy, finding the knife and slipping quietly into the study. He hadn't been Suzaku's father then, not even a man, but a monster holding his savior captive. All it had taken was a glance and a whispered word and the monster had stood there, calm and docile as Zero slipped the knife between his ribs.
"He won't hurt you anymore, my angel. I'll always protect you."
Zero looked up, staring at the portrait he had so lovingly painted. The little boy in the rain, glowing in an ethereal light. They had met when Zero had lost all hope, and in that moment, he had been reborn. But for Suzaku, it had just been a day, a single second of his life that meant nothing. And if it hadn't been destiny, merely chance, then what had Zero been doing all these years? Pining for a shadow, a fantasy given color and form by a child's foolish dream.
He wasn't Suzaku. He never had been.
And some part of Zero wanted to blame Suzaku for not remembering, for not loving him, for not being his angel. But a larger part of his heart knew this wasn't his fault, for Suzaku had never lied, never been anything other than exactly who he was. Not an angel, but a person of flesh and blood. A person who loved music, struggled with the piano, and climbed high places. Someone who laughed and wept, loved and needed, inflicted hurt and was hurt in equal measure. And he was so much better.
The empty, smiling faces beamed at him from their various pedestals, surrounding him, and with a cry of rage, Zero lashed out. He ripped sketches, smashed clay, tore canvas until the blood of oil paint coated his fingers. For they were lies, all of them. He could paint Suzaku's image a thousand times but he would never be able to capture his spirit, so complex and so incredibly alive.
And so he had to kill him, kill this false idol who'd so twisted his heart, distorted his soul and made him so completely unworthy of the man he loved.
Zero fell to his knees among the destruction, tears streaming down his face. Everything he had done - Clovis, Suzaku's father - those sins had been committed in the name of Suzaku's protection. But this time it was he who had gripped Suzaku tight enough to bruise, he who had crushed him into the wall again and again, until blood ran down his face and he had lost consciousness. Zero was the monster now, and no amount of love, no presents or promises could ever change that.
Poking out from underneath a pile of shredded canvas, Zero saw the green eyes of a recently painted wooden doll. He reached for it with trembling hands, freeing it from the wreckage. The paint must have still been wet, for the red from the doll's shirt had smeared upwards over the doll's neck and the entire left side of its face. Ruined. Was this his destiny, to destroy any purity that came into his life?
Zero reached for Suzaku, cradling his head in his lap, needing to see him, to touch him, even if he no longer had a right to.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, voice cracking. "I'm so sorry."
Suzaku slept on, defenseless and silent.
In the back of his mind, Zero felt an insistent tug, a familiar sensation by now that made his eyes throb and his perception heavy. Instinctively he tightened his arms around Suzaku, but lacking both the strength and will to fight he allowed himself to be pulled into his and Lelouch's collective unconscious.
When his vision focused again he lay on his pallet in the old tent, and livid violet eyes glared down at him.
"Lelouch," he began as he sat up, not even sure what he could say in the wake of his shame. Lelouch had seen, surely, what transpired in the room just moments ago. "I-"
Lelouch punched him.
Despite having the same body, he'd somehow amassed the strength to become the physically stronger of the two of them, but with the full force of Lelouch's anger backing the attack it was quite enough to send Zero tumbling to the ground. Righting himself, he brought a hand to nurse his stinging cheek. He couldn't say the blow was undeserved.
"You're despicable," Lelouch seethed, coming to stand over him.
"I was deceived," Zero murmured, mind still lost in the past even as Lelouch knelt over him. He grappled helplessly at the shambles of the beliefs he'd constructed his life around, utterly directionless now that the mask had been peeled away to show them for the lies they were.
"By your own sick heart." Lelouch grabbed a fistful of Zero's suit and jerked him forward. "That doesn't excuse what you've done to him. Nothing - nothing your twisted mind comes up with could ever justify this."
Zero's gaze sharpened. He'd done wrong, that could not be denied, but Lelouch was no saint himself, plotting with C.C. a way to destroy him."It's so easy for you to pass judgment." Lelouch had no idea how it felt like to be alone, ostracized. C.C. had raised Zero in darkness and solitude, whereas Lelouch had been allowed an upbringing in the sun, without fear of hurting others with this curse. Even if he was solitary by nature, he was still the golden boy - popular, praised, the person everyone flocked to and begged acknowledgment from. Lelouch could have a normal life, a happy life, and he would never know just how fortunate he was for that. "You're the one he loves."
"Yes!" Lelouch cried. "Yes, I have his love and I am grateful. I am so grateful and blessed for that, but you… you selfish, vile, hateful thing, you seem to think you are entitled to it. That because he sought your companionship in a time of loneliness, he owes you his entire heart." Lelouch's voice was quickly deteriorating into a frantic mix of rage and despair, alternating between disdainful shouts and cutting whispers that caused Zero to flinch. "You are a disease, an insatiable parasite that demands more and more, and Suzaku - Suzaku will give it, because that is what Suzaku does. He will give and give until there is nothing left of him, until you have destroyed him entirely!"
He cut off abruptly, tears welling in the corners of his eyes. The lapel slipped from his fingers and Zero caught himself on his elbows, faintly aware of the fact that he was shaking. They were both shaking.
"You don't understand," Lelouch said, having regained a semblance of composure after a long silence. "You don't see that for all you claim to love him, you are only capable of bringing him pain."
It was true. Every word of it. That was all he had ever done. Pain was what he'd been crafted from, and so it was only fitting that it be all he was capable of. Hurting people. "I never wanted to."
Lelouch shook his head. "It doesn't matter. That's what you are, the very nature of you. We're two sides of the same coin, remember? I saved his life all those years ago, gave him a reason to keep living. And so you will be the one to break him."
Persephone1: We are going to try very hard not to wait another 6+ months to update again. I appreciate you all so much for being patient with us! All the people reading out there, you're the reason why we do this.