Well, this chapter is about twice as long as any other one, but it's also my personal favourite. :)

14

Hayley's POV

"Hi, I'm here to see Joshua Ramsay," I told the woman behind the counter. She had a hard little face and pointy glasses.

She didn't even look up at me when she asked, "Name?"

"Hayley Williams." I peeked over the counter to see her writing my name down—and obviously spelling it wrong. "Um, it's "Hayley" with a middle Y…"

"Right," she muttered without changing it. "Are you family?"

"No, I'm a friend." She scribbled something on her paper again and gave me a little yellow card. "Here's your pass. Room 243. It's on the second floor." She didn't give me any further instructions. Oh well. I waved at my mom and she smiled encouragingly, and then I was off.

It took me a while before I finally found room 243. Good thing there were actually NICE people working at that hospital who could guide me.

When I got there, I heard faint voices coming from inside. Damn. Of course he wasn't alone! I had been stupid to expect that. Still, I gathered my courage and knocked lightly on the door. Instantly, the voices stopped.

"Come in!" a woman's voice called.

I entered hesitantly, searching for Josh. He was lying in an immaculate white bed, staring at me. As soon as he comprehended who I was and what I was doing here, his face twisted with sadness and anger. I looked down.

"What are you doing here?" he hissed.

"I just… wanted to see you."

He didn't answer. I looked back at him. He turned to the woman that was with him. She looked pretty young and her features resembled Josh's. "Sara, can you, uh, give us a minute?"

"Yeah, sure!" She got up from her chair quickly and shot me a sad smile before leaving the room, closing the door behind her.

Josh looked back at me. "You didn't have to come."

"But I wanted to!"

He didn't look so convinced. "Listen, I know you probably felt like you had an obligation towards me or something, but you don't. It's totally cool. You can… leave if you want."

I wanted to slap my forehead. He really was blind, wasn't he? "But Josh, I don't WANT to leave! I don't feel like I have any "obligation" towards you! Actually, I think YOU're the one who wants me to leave. I know you didn't want me to come!" His head snapped up. Oh man, I probably shouldn't have said that.

"How did you know?" he asked slowly.

"I just…" Crap. "Your mom called and told me."

He groaned. "Shit! I can't tell her ANYTHING, can I!? Not without YOU knowing!"

The hate in his eyes made me want to break down in sobs. "Why do you hate me so much?" It was barely a whisper. For a second I thought he hadn't even heard my question, but then he shook his head.

"I dunno. You're just like all of them. You keep throwing all this bullshit at me thinking I'm stupid enough to believe it. "Oh Josh, you're beautiful! Oh Josh, you're incredible!" and then you just… talk behind my back with my own mother! Like you're some kind of therapist! Actually, you're worse than all of them. Because most people just stop at judging me and calling me crazy. They don't actually LIE to me and act all perfect and fucking helpful! And all this why? Out of pity? Because it makes you feel proud of yourself? Because I'm just a poor little fat guy and you wanna help the miserable idiots of this world? Why?" He scoffed. "You think you're helping me, Hayley? Well think again!"

Every word he threw at me was like a knife. For a second I was frozen, unable to move or even breathe. And then I took a deep breath. "Josh… you got it all wrong."

"Of course I did!" He snapped sarcastically.

"No! Listen! All that stuff I said about you… it's true. I mean it. You really ARE incredible, Josh." He rolled his eyes. "Please, just—"

"Shut the fuck up, will you? I'm fucking sick of this, Hayley! Can't you see that you're just making everything worse!?"

Anger suddenly started boiling up inside me. He was really starting to piss me off. The next time I spoke, it was in a completely different tone than before. "So what do you want me to do, Josh? You want me to tell you that you're ugly? You want me to say that you're just a big fricking idiot? Fine! You're a stupid, selfish, gutless, FAT moron who doesn't have any friends or any future, and maybe you should just fucking kill yourself!"

He stared at me in shock. The best thing he could find to say was, "You just said 'fuck.'" It was only a murmur. An excuse so he wouldn't have to say anything else. He didn't. He only looked away. His face suddenly filled with confusion and sorrow.

"That's not really better, is it?" I whispered.

He pressed his lips into a thin line and shook his head. "I dunno what to think anymore, Hayles…"

It warmed my heart that he called me "Hayles" again. "Then don't think," I said. "Stop being so sure you know exactly what everybody thinks about you. Because honestly, I think the only one who actually believes all that terrible stuff is you."

He seemed to ponder that for a minute. Finally, he nodded unsurely and sighed. "I'm fucking crazy." He snickered.

I smiled. "That, you are." And that's when I noticed the bandage around his wrist. The needle in his arm, slowly filling his veins with a transparent liquid—whatever that was—to make up for the lost blood, probably. That's when I finally noticed how pale he was—even more than usual. I walked over to his bed and sat next to him. He didn't budge. "You really did try to kill yourself, didn't you?" He knew that I already knew the answer. "Why?" I asked then.

He sighed. "Everybody asks me that." For a second I thought he would avoid the question, but then he said, "You wanna know why, Hayley? I'll tell you why. Because everybody's been playing with me like I was some kind of worthless object they could just throw around. I've been forced out of my home, lied to and convinced I'm crazy; I've been labeled with words like "bulimic" and "insomniatic" when all I want is to be normal and… and thin! Doesn't everyone want that? What's so different about me?" Something told me he already knew the answer to that. He looked really sad all of a sudden. "I'm sorry I did this," he muttered.

"Are you really?"

His face twisted in confusion again. "I don't know." Wow, I was really asking the hardest questions.

"It's ok." I laid a hesitant hand on his and gave it a soft squeeze. "You don't have to know right now."

He took a deep breath. The next thing he said took me completely by surprise. "I know about you and Jack." His voice broke when he said Jack's name. Wait, what?

And then it hit me. Oh my god. He had seen us kissing. Me and Jack. Acting like total idiots. I suddenly felt like laughing hysterically. What happened with Jack had been the most ridiculous moment of my life. Well, almost. But Josh had seen it in a completely different angle. And Josh was hurting over it. As sick as it was, I was actually kind of happy about that. I mean, not like HAPPY happy, but happy because he actually cared.

I didn't know if he loved me, but I knew that he didn't want me to love someone else. It was a start.

"Me and Jack?" I repeated, acting confused.

He scoffed. "Don't tell me that's just me being crazy AGAIN."

Oh my, how would I explain THAT to him? "Heh, well… actually, it is."

Josh's POV

WHAT? So what was she saying, that nothing had happened!? Well maybe I was crazy to think that everyone was always lying to me, but I wasn't crazy when I said that THIS was a lie. "Hayley, I saw you," I informed her, trying to keep my cool.

She didn't react. I thought that would make her realise that lying to me would be useless, but instead she insisted. "No… No, that wasn't what it looked like—"

"For fuck's sake Hayley, listen to yourself! I'm not fucking retarded! I know what it means when two people are making out in the fucking hallway!" I realised my hand was still under hers. I pulled it away and shot her a venomous glare.

She seemed at a loss for words. Obviously. She was probably making up some complicated excuse to explain what I had witnessed. Judging by her expression, it probably involved aliens. "Ok, listen. I know this sounds really far-fetched," Just like I expected. "But the only reason I kissed Jack was so that I would know if I love…" I raised my eyebrows. I could tell what came next. "… you," she finished.

Well, it didn't involve aliens, but it still made absolutely no sense. "Riiight… Well that's perfectly logical! I'm madly in love with Josh so I'll just go around kissing other people in his absence!"

"Ugh, stop twisting my words!" She looked like she didn't want to get angry but was completely failing. She took a deep breath and passed her fingers through her shiny brown hair desperately. "It's hard to explain, ok?" Uhuh. "And it was really stupid." Right. "But it didn't mean absolutely anything! Go ahead and ask Jack!" In your dreams. I was never talking to that asshole again.

But why? Why did she insist so much? I mean, if she thought she was better off with him—and I totally agreed—it was fine. I didn't care.

…

Well, maybe I cared a little. A lot. But fuck, what did it matter? I just wished she would stop lying. It hurt more than everything else.

"Look, I'm sorry," she said. "For everything. But I want you to know that I never, ever lied to you, Josh." I didn't know what to say. Was this all just a big masquerade? Because if it was, she was really pushing it.

What if… What if she was actually telling the truth?

But no. That was even more unlikely.

I'd had enough. It was time to end the bullshit, even if just saying those words seemed harder than lifting a mountain. "Listen, Hayles… I don't want to do this any more than you do…" I took a deep breath. This was gonna be tough. "But I think we should just stop talking to each other. I mean, I'm bad for you, you're bad for me… I'm sorry, but you ARE bad for me, and…" That wasn't really true. She looked on the verge of tears. I tried to go on, but my voice was losing volume with each word. "And I know you might not agree, but I think we would just both be better off if—"

"Shut up, Josh." If she hadn't interrupted me, my voice would have surely faded away on its own. She huffed. "You're not bad for me."

I didn't want her to convince me though, so I continued with my pathetic arguing. "Yes I am. Look at yourself, you're about to burst into tears! It's not the first time I do this to you." That was true.

There was only one thing I still wanted to tell her. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But I didn't say it.

This was too painful. I wanted her to leave already. I wanted her to disappear. From the world, from my mind, from everywhere. I wished she'd never existed.

No. I wished I'd never existed.

"Josh…" Oh no. "You're such an idiot."

Huh. What? I mean, yeah I was, but why did she suddenly tell me that with that little spark in her eyes and that cunning smile, as if I hadn't just told her we couldn't be friends anymo—

And then, the most incredible thing happened.

Hayley's POV

"Josh… you're such an idiot." I smiled. How could he feel so bad for something he hadn't done? Because Josh was everything but bad for me. Sure, it hurt me to see him like this, broken and full of hate, but I still felt good, just because I was with him. He made me happier than he could ever imagine.

And I didn't know how to prove it to him. It was so frustrating how he never seemed to believe me! And yet I had always been completely honest with him. When I'd told him he was beautiful to me, when I'd told him he was incredible. When I'd told him I loved him, even indirectly… It was all true. But to him, it must've seemed too good to be true, because for some reason he was persuaded it wasn't.

I could only see one more solution to my problem. One thing I could do to finally persuade him. If it worked, all our problems would vanish. He'd realise what he meant to me, and maybe if he felt the same… I smiled again. Oh well, I had nothing to lose.

Josh was staring at me, confused by what I'd just said. God, he was beautiful! His light hair fell freely in his magnificent blue eyes and for a second I was mesmerized by them, only looking away to stare at his full lips, slightly parted, so inviting…

And then I felt as if I wasn't in control of my own body anymore. I leaned towards him, driven by a mad desire, and kissed him like I'd never kissed anyone before. Softly at first, as I waited for him to respond, and then more passionately. He kissed me back with the same sort of urgency, as if he was trying to catch up to all the wasted time.

It was the most beautiful moment of my life. Not almost.

Finally, I broke the kiss to stare back into his eyes. I hoped it had worked. I prayed he believed me now.

He smiled all of a sudden. A wide, beautiful smile, not shadowed by sadness or confusion. Just a pure smile of happiness. "I was hoping you'd give this another shot," he whispered.

I smiled back. He believed me. Finally. I felt so happy all of a sudden that I wanted to jump up and down and yell and sing and cry. But I just sat there, lost in that sea of blue…

He looked down suddenly, and the blue disappeared. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said what I said before. You're not really bad for me. And I don't want you to leave. Ever. But I feel like…" He looked up at me again. "I feel like I'm hurting you so much and you don't deserve it…" I pressed my forefinger against his lips to shut him up and smiled.

"Josh, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me," I said honestly. "You have nothing to be sorry about."

He didn't look convinced. He stared blankly and guiltily at his lap. "I know you never lied to me," he said as if he were still trying to apologize. "I guess I always knew, but I just didn't want to admit it to myself…" He sighed. "I just don't know anymore."

I pulled his chin up softly and forced him to look me in the eyes again. "All you need to know right now is that I love you. And that… I guess that you love me too." He did right? RIGHT?

After a second he smiled again. "Of course I do, you little freak."

And this time, he kissed me first.