A/N: Didn't I promise daily updates?

Because of You pt.6

Once again, Alexis found herself walking up the stairs of Sam's apartment building. Feeling both apprehensive and hopeful, she took the stairs, but this time she wasn't dragging her feet.

She mentally crossed her fingers as she knocked on the door.

She heard Sam move inside, but it took her half a minute before she opened the door.

"Hi," Alexis said, smiling.

"Hi," Sam replied. Coldly.

"How are you?"

"Fine."

"I brought coffee and cookies," Alexis said, forcing herself to remain cheerful in spite of her daughter's rebuff. She held out the coffee for Sam.

Her daughter accepted and let Alexis in.

Sam sat on the far end of the couch, as she sipped on the coffee.

"You got my favorite." It sounded more like a scientific observation than a thank you.

"Caramel mocha with whipped cream, right?"

Sam nodded.

Alexis tried her own coffee. It was her favorite too. Sonny sure could move heaven and earth if he wanted to.

"So?" Sam's tone of voice was still cold.

"So, I thought we could talk about what happened yesterday."

"It happened. What's there to talk about?"

"Maybe we could talk about the reasons why it happened?"

"We both know the reasons. I don't have anything new to say."

"But I do."

"So talk."

Alexis sighed mentally. "First of all, I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. And I'm going to keep saying that until you believe me. I love you, Sam. I love you. I. Love. You.

"Secondly, I want I want us to work things out." She paused for emphasis. "I really want us to work things out. I may be a mess when it comes to love and romance, and that's fine because I'm obviously not very good at that, but I know I can be a good mother if you let me try. And there's so much more to us than yesterday. That was us at our worst. But I want us to make it to us at our best. I believe that we can. I want to try. But I need you to try too."

She stopped for a moment.

Sam remained quiet, avoiding her eyes.

"We're not touchy feely people. At least not with each other and that's part of the problem. Our relationship consists of coming to each other's rescue when there's a crisis. When there isn't, we usually fall back into neutral conversations because we're both so afraid of facing the real issues. The things that we haven't resolved yet. We sweep them under the rug and pretend they didn't happen. But they did and we need to deal with them.

"There are so many things we never really discussed. Not to a point where we're both okay with them, and that's another part of the problem. Yesterday proved that there are a lot of issues we're not okay with it, but we just tiptoe around them, afraid of setting off an explosion. And because of that, a part of me is really glad that yesterday happened. We needed to put everything in the open, put our cards on the table, so to speak, so that we can move forward. And I so want us to move forward. I want us to deal with our issues so that we don't have to tiptoe anymore. So that we can talk about anything, because that's the kind of relationship that I'd like us to have."

Alexis waited, but Sam stayed quiet, still avoiding eye contact.

"Is there anything you'd like to say?"

"No."

"Do you want me to stop?"

"It's up to you." Her tone of voice was disinterested.

Alexis sighed. She had to continue. She had to keep going until she got through to her. "I believe that we can still build a real relationship, but if we want it to work we have to put in the effort. We need routine, not crises. And we can't just pretend that we're a normal mother and daughter, because we're not and we both have to accept that we never will be—not the way we should be. But that doesn't mean that we can't be better in a different way."

Sam finally looked at her. "What do you mean?"

"Well, we can be there for each other, not just as mother and daughter, but as friends. I'd really like us to be like friends. But if we're going to let go of all the blame and resentment, we both need to be in this 100%."

Again, Sam said nothing.

"Sam ..."

Still nothing.

Alexis sighed. "I'm really trying here, but I need you to try too."

She could see her daughter hesitate.

Alexis nodded in encouragement.

"Well ... okay."

There it was. Acknowledgement. Acceptance. The tone of Sam's voice suggested that her resistance was faltering.

Alexis smiled. "Good. Because I can't be a good mother if I'm not a good mother to all my daughters."

In an instant, Sam's anger resurfaced. "I'm not going to be your pity project, so that you can call yourself a real mother!"

Alexis was shocked. "I didn't mean it that way. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Sam. I'm trying. I am trying. So hard. But I don't seem to know how. Or you don't see it. Or it just comes out wrong. I want us to work things out, but I don't know what to do."

Alexis felt the water in her eyes. Maybe it had been a bad idea, talking to Sam so soon. Maybe this was her last chance. Their last chance. And she was messing everything up. Again.

Barely above a whisper, Sam replied, "I don't know either." The helplessness in her eyes matched the one she felt in her heart.

"But I want to try. I want to try to try. But how do we do that?"

"We both seem to be clueless."

"Yeah. That's the word, clueless."

"Well, we're on new territory."

Sam smiled. "New territory always makes me think of Pilgrims."

"And Pilgrims always make me think of Thanksgiving."

"And Thanksgiving means being grateful."

"I'm grateful that we found each other."

Sam nodded.

"Aren't you?"

"Yeah, but we can't seem to get a break, and we just established that we're both clueless. It doesn't make me feel very thankful."

"Maybe ... maybe we can start with what we do know."

Sam gave her a questioning look.

Alexis moved across the couch to sit next to her daughter, as she took one of her hands in hers. "In the afternoons, you like your mocha. In the mornings, on an empty stomach, you prefer vanilla lattes. And in the warm months you love your cinnamon frappucinos. You drink a lot of coffee. Like me."

For the first time that evening, her daughter smiled. Alexis couldn't help but smile back. Her heart leapt with joy.

"Remember the time when I was trying to make that tape for Kristina and Molly at the lake house and you calmed me down because I was such a mess?"

Sam nodded.

"That was my first real glimpse into you. When you told me everything that you wanted to hear from me. And at the time I wasn't in a good enough place to give you that. But now I am, and I want to. And you matter, Sam, you matter more than you can ever know. And that's why we need to work this out. Because I don't want you to just hear that I love you. I want you to know it and to feel it. In there," she said, pointing to Sam's heart.

Alexis could feel that her eyes were filled with water, but she didn't care.

Sam placed her other hand over Alexis'. "You know what my moment was? The day we were locked in at the courthouse and you talked to me about your baby. You talked to me about me and you didn't even know it was me. And you said you'd thought about me every morning and every night, and that you used to write me letters. And I really wanted to tell you I was your daughter then, but the officer came and you left and ..."

Alexis squeezed Sam's hand, the quiet overtaking the moment, as they gathered their thoughts.

"After I gave you up I thought I'd never be a mother again. I felt so guilty, and I didn't think that I would be able to live with myself knowing that I was a mother to my second child, but not to my first. And I was always very careful not to get pregnant again. I really was. And then Sonny came along, and I found myself pregnant and I was so confused. I didn't know what to do. And then when my sister died my world broke. I fell apart. And if it hadn't been for the pregnancy, I think I would've had a mental breakdown. Everyone I loved was taken away from me. First my mother and my sister, and then you, and then my sister again, and I just couldn't lose anyone else. And I promised myself that I would be the best mother I knew how. And being pregnant with Kristina turned out to be such a blessing, and it reminded me so much of being pregnant with you."

"Really?" Sam said, as Alexis noticed her blinking away the tears.

"Mm-hm. I may have buried all my feelings for you when I had to give you up, but they resurfaced when I was pregnant with your sisters, because it reminded me so much of you. But you are all so different, even while still in my womb. You know, you always used to kick when I played disco music. And when I played classical music, you'd fall asleep."

Sam was surprised. "Oh, yeah?"

Alexis nodded.

"Well, that does sound like me," Sam said. "What about Kristina?"

"Ned tried playing his music, and I tried disco, but neither worked. And one day I was at Kelly's and I told Mike, and he gave me a CD. And it was the only music that ever got her to kick on cue."

"What was it?"

"Salsa."

Sam rolled her eyes. "She is her father's daughter."

"That she is." Alexis smiled.

"You know, Lila liked disco music too. Actually, she liked any music as long as the subwoofer was on. She would have been a real dancing queen."

Alexis nodded, still holding onto her daughter's hand.

"I still think of her, you know. And I wonder what she would be doing right now. What she would look like. And what it would be like to drive her to kindergarten, and make her dinner ... because I would've learned to cook properly. I was planning to ... And I imagine her all grown up, going to university, meeting boys ... But I can't imagine myself as her mother when she's an adult. Isn't that strange?"

"Mm-hm." Alexis rubbed Sam's hand in slow soothing motions.

"But anyway," Sam said, shaking her head. "What about Molly? What kind of music did she like?"

"Molly ..." Alexis smiled at the memory. "Well, Ric had read some article about the Mozart effect—that classical music is good for developing Math skills or something, and you know what they say about lawyers ..."

"What?"

"That they only go into law 'cause there's no Math in it. And it's probably true." Alexis chuckled. "So after I found out I was pregnant he went and bought all of Mozart's deluxe edition CDs—everything the man had ever composed. And we had every single piece performed by at least three different orchestras, or whoever plays his compositions."

"Did she kick?"

"Well, poor Molly didn't have much of a choice, because Ric confiscated all the other music from the house, even Kristina's Disney tapes, so we all had to listen to Mozart for six whole months. I never thought I'd be so happy to hear music from the Lion King again."

"But she's good in Math, isn't she?"

"She's very good. But somehow I think it has more to do with the fact that Viola lets her do Math homework by counting candy and eating it afterwards."

"She sure does love her sugar."

"She got that from me."

"Didn't we all?"

Alexis smiled. "And you're all special to me. Equally." She paused for emphasis. "I love you, Sam, and even if I didn't raise you, we already have a history together. And yes, some of that history makes our relationship more difficult, but that history has also made us stronger and appreciative of what we do have."

Sam remained silent, but the tears trickling down her cheeks told Alexis that she believed her.

"You know what your favorite song was?"

"Mm?"

"I Will Survive. It was the song of the year, and in the last few months of my pregnancy, you kicked so hard that it hurt. That's when I started calling you my survivor baby." Alexis smiled. "And what a survivor you've grown up to be. I'm so proud of you."

Sam gave her a little smile.

"And we need to find a way to work through our differences. A way that works for the both of us, so that we can start communicating about the hard things ... We'll never be free of them unless we deal with them. Together."

"Okay," Sam said quietly.

Alexis let out a sigh of relief. "Okay."

A moment of quiet.

"So you want me to start?" Sam asked in surprise.

"If you want."

"Okay." Sam exhaled. "Okay." Another breath. "I'm just going to blurt it out, okay?"

Alexis nodded.

"I'll never be able to live up to your expectations of me! There. I said it." Sam's voice conveyed nonchalance, but her body language proved otherwise.

Alexis made an effort to keep her voice gentle. "What kind of expectations do you think that I have?"

Sam let out a short hollow laugh. "Now you sound like a shrink."

Alexis was quiet.

"Expectations of being the good daughter. I look at Molly and Kristina, and they will become the daughters that you want them to be, but I won't because I can't be what you want me to be. I'll never be what you want me to be." Sam lowered her gaze to her lap. "And I'll always be second best in your eyes."

"Oh, Sam, come here ..." Alexis pulled her daughter into a hug.

And in the refuge of her mother's embrace, Sam finally let go, her quiet cries turning into loud sobs, until they were all Alexis could hear.

Few things in her life had hurt more than watching her daughter fall apart because of her.

She stroked Sam's hair, willing the pain away. Holding onto her shaking body, she let her daughter cry and cry ... just like the day she was born.