Hi everyone. Here is the latest chapter for you to peruse. Thanks again, I am loving all the comments and reviews. They are great! I hope you enjoy this latest installment! Until next time... :-)
"You see now right Sammy? It's okay, you don't have to stay anymore. No reason to stay."
Sam feels his level of patience starting to fade. Just shut up already Dean.
"You don't even have to say anything. Just leave. Get up, walk through that door and NEVER look back."
In 3...2...1... Yup, patience has officially come to an end.
"Are you just about done, you stubborn ass? Because I don't think I can sit here and listen to one more second of this BULLSHIT! There isn't a shovel big enough in the world that has the capability to scoop up the amount of CRAP that you have just unloaded!" Sam now paces back and forth on the carpet, trying to keep his temper, his emotions in check. But with this particular big brother, that is a talent that can, and is, tested to its limits on an all too regular basis it seems.
"See! That's it Sam! You got it! That is exactly my point! You're tired of all the bullshit, the everyday crap that you have to put up with just because we happen to be brothers. So don't sit here! You don't want to stay, so don't!"
Does he ever listen to me? Does he even hear me? He just keeps at it, on and on and on he goes.
"C'mon Sam, you don't have to pretend anymore. You wanted me to talk so here I am, talking. That's what we are doing in here right? Talking? So, aren't I telling you what you want to hear? Letting it all out, giving you an up close and personal looksie into what my screwed up head is thinking? So there you have it. There it is out in the open for you to see. I am so screwed up Sammy in every way so hit the road dude and you will be happy that you did."
Round and round it goes. Twisting every thing, every word into meaning that I would be better off without him, that I should just leave. Give it a rest already.
"You know leaving is the right thing to do Sam. You know it's what you want to do. In your heart Sam, you know it. Now that we are letting all of our feelings out why don't you finally just admit it."
Sam starts to feel an odd sensation. He feels some sort of what, a twitch start in his eye? That's a new one. Dean, you are now making my god damned eye twitch! No one makes Sam's eye twitch without being on the receiving end of some whoop-ass!
"NO! None of what you are saying is true! None of what you are saying even makes any sense! God, Dean, where do I start? Which one of your asinine theories of the day should I begin with? And another thing, stop twisting around my words, or ANY fricken words from anyone for that matter! You and I are NOT here as an opportunity for you to convince me that you are useless and no good and not worth the time of day! You are wasting you breath because that is NEVER GONNA HAPPEN! You are not getting rid of me, I am not walking out the door and I am not ever going to leave you! I want to help you, not leave you... you IDIOT!"
"Hmm... I guess I really hit a nerve with that one huh dude?" Giggle. "Hey, have you noticed that your eye is twitching?"
Yeah, thanks Dean, I hadn't noticed that. And stop trying to change the subject! Sam closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths. Just relax Sam. Just remember that all the cards in Dean's deck are out of order. He's not being rational, he's not being reasonable, he is not himself. Just relax. Sam wonders how off the rails their next attempt at a 'normal' conversation will be and opens his eyes to try and start again. When he glances over at his brother however he sees him with an open bottle of water and an intense gaze directed at the two little pills still laying on the table. As the younger brother continues to watch, he can tell that Dean is obviously weighing in his mind the pros and cons of whichever course of action he chooses. As he grabs hold of one of the pills Sam realizes that his brother's body has finally won the fight. The pain he is in outweighing any horrors he may see when he shuts his eyes. Sam approaches him and speaks in a slow, calm and soothing voice.
"I'll be right here Dean. Whatever happens. You will not be alone." Without another word Dean downs the pills and Sam sees a flicker of fear flash across his face. "Do you think you need to lay down for a bit?"
"No Sam. I'm okay. The table is good for now. Now what? Are we at an impasse? You still convinced that staying here with me is what you really want?"
Okay, this direction of the conversation is actually a good one. Sam feels his mind drift for a moment. Who knows, maybe all of this drama can be chalked up to Dean just suffering from some version of male PMS? Hormones out of whack? Sane and rational one minute and then like a raving lunatic the next? Well, probably not but at least that would have meant there was some sort of logical explanation for all of this. Wow, grasp at straws much Sam? Please get some rest, some food and water in you bro, I don't know how much more self-abuse I can witness in one outing.
"Listen Dean, can we try to do a little more talking? Rationally this time? Maybe we can try to talk like two semi sort of adults? Maybe without any yelling and stuff?" A nod from his brother is good enough for Sam. "Just bear in mind that I am not going to leave, I won't be going anywhere without you. You will never change my mind on that okay? I think it is safe to say that your convincing me to leave tactic is not working and no longer worthy of discussion. You are stuck with me so too bad, so sad. Are we clear on that bro?" Another nod from Dean. "Okay, now, I do have one question for you, one thing I would like you to try and explain to me about all of this. Can you tell me why YOU want me to leave? What's the real reason for this big show of yours? Why were you so adamant that I leave you here by yourself? You're scared of something Dean. What are you scared of if I stay? What do you think is going to happen?" Sam listens and waits for Dean to formulate his thoughts on the question.
"Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind. I can't tell..."
Sam needs to prod a little more as it seems Dean is having a harder time keeping his thoughts together. "You can't tell what Dean?"
"What's real. I don't know. Is it real or am I just slowly going crazy?"
"Tell me Dean. Tell me what it is that you aren't sure about? Maybe I can help give you an answer." Please. Sam's eyes shift onto Dean.
Woah. It looks like those pills are already doing a number on his big brother. That was quick. Slow to look up. Glassy eyes. Well, I suppose drugs plus no food plus no sleep plus a lot of mental and physical anguish probably up the ante in the 'getting high really quickly' category.
"Dad. It seems so real to me. You know, I tried to be the perfect son. Always listened, did what I was asked to. No question, just followed orders." Pause "Does he really? Does he really want me to die Sammy? Does he really wish I was dead? I don't know... it just seems so... real." As Sam gazes at his brother he sees a silent tear track down his face. He is so very damaged. Good thing Sam knows the answer to this one, without any question or doubt.
"No Dean. That is most definitely NOT real. Never. Dad loved you. He may have had a hard time showing it to you, or to me but he loved us, in his own way, he loved us with his whole being. You were his rock Dean, his one true constant. Always there, to help, to heal, to be there for him in any and every way. He made that deal Dean but not to hurt you, and certainly not to haunt you. He made it because he truly wanted to save you. He knew what he was doing and he wanted to do it, for his son. For you Dean, because he DIDN'T want you to die. And neither do I Dean. I never, ever want to see that again. Once in a lifetime is more than enough for me. Please Dean, believe me, no one wants you to die."
Sam wants to broach another topic with his brother now that he seems to be making some headway. He feels sick just thinking about it and the reaction it illicited the last time he asked. But, he needs to know, and he needs Dean to tell him. Honestly. Truthfully.
"Dean? I'm sorry but I need to talk about one more thing. Last night, when we were driving back to the motel, you started freaking out in the car so I pulled over to check on you. You were totally out of it man, clutching your head, muttering away about things that you were seeing in your mind. It was a little scary but then you kinda went into this zen mode, a don't worry, everything is going to be fine now kind of zone." Pause. "You told me that you knew what you had to do, what would make all of it stop for good, that you had seen a sign." Sam looks at Dean and sees confusion and fear on his features. You've gone this far, finish it Sam. "You got out of the car and started walking across the road. Dean, you were purposely trying to get to a truck that was driving on the other side. I was there and I saw it Dean, you wanted that truck to kill you." Sam meets his brother's gaze for a moment but he feels his eyes get misty and not wanting to break out in tears, Sam looks down at the top of the table. Boy, this table hasn't been stared at so much in its entire existence. After he takes a moment to calm himself, Sam picks his head back up to gauge his brother's state of mind.
Sam sees that the tears are flowing freely down Dean's face now, his emotions rising up and overcoming the protective walls that surround him. Dean buries his face in his hands and Sam thinks perhaps he has reached him, on some level, because there, right in front of him is his big brother. And his brother is crying.
TBC...