Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight
Warning: This story contains references to disciplinary spanking
A/N: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE REVIEWS! You guys are great! I am SO, SO glad that you're enjoying my story. I was worried for a bit there when the amount of reviews went down that this was dragging on too long, but you guys came through. Thanks. Loved how everybody liked the Eleazar bit. I actually only added that whole bit on a whim as I was editing my chapter two days ago, so way glad it went over well. :D
This chapter contains the third and final flashback to Carlisle's human life. It is as angst filled, if not more than the others so be prepared for another downturn. But do not fear because there WILL be a happy ending. With the help of Esme and the kids Carlisle will survive and come out on top a wiser and stronger man than before. Just prepare yourself for more sadness...kinda sorry...but not really...okay kinda...maybe...just read!
Chapter 14: Reunion
Esme's POV:
I continued to hum softly as I watched my husband 'sleep'. I had a feeling that he would be able to go into the meditative trance this time because of how mentally exhausted he was. I had also noted how my childhood lullaby seemed to soothe him as much as it did the children, so I assumed his exhaustion coupled with my lullaby would be enough to help, and I was right.
He was completely out of it I noted as I shifted around on the bed. I had already called out his name softly and ran a hand through his hair, but I had gotten no reaction. Good, he needed this rest badly. My dear husband had been through the mill these past few days and his mind could use a little downtime to recharge so to speak.
I stared at my husband's face with tender eyes and brushed away a few loose strands of hair. I had never seen him look so unguarded and relaxed before. His eternal youthfulness shown through brightly and once more I found myself remembering that Carlisle really wasn't that old, physically at least. I was sure his centuries of life had added to his maturity, but I had no doubt that Carlisle had always behaved older and more mature than his physical age even in his human years.
I was certain that Samuel would not have put up with any childish antics. I frowned softly, this thought making me incredibly sad as I realized how abysmal of a childhood Carlisle must have had, if he had one at all. I could not see Samuel encouraging his son to go out and have fun with his friends. How horrible!
I knew Carlisle quite well and while he was certainly a mature and serious individual he also had a playful, mischievous side as well; and I had seen this side emerge little by little over the years. It pained me to realize that this playful side of his had no doubt been beaten down at an early age. He was a quiet and serious man by nature because that was how he had been raised. I pictured in my mind what young Carlisle would have been like had he not been raised by Samuel.
He would have been a little hellion I thought with a fond grin, placing a loving kiss on my husband's forehead. His stubbornness and pride overshadowed all of our children, and when he felt he was right there was no convincing him otherwise. His mischievous look was one that just spelled trouble and I could only imagine all the antics he would have gotten into. He was smart, too smart, and that no doubt would have lead to a smart mouth. Not to mention he was charming, well spoken, and a good actor. Oh, and let's not forget his insatiable curiosity. Yes, oh yes I thought with a light chuckle. Little Carlisle would have been worse than all my children combined.
I cuddled up next to Carlisle and inhaled his unique scent. I was just closing my eyes when I heard yelling in the distance. Sitting straight up I strained my ears and became completely shocked when I heard my children calling out mine and Carlisle's names. What in God's name were they doing here? How did they find us? And I thought I had told them to stay home!
Mixed feelings coursed through me as I heard them approaching the cottage. A part of me was elated and relieved as I wanted to see them, and I wanted to know how Emmett was doing. Another part of me though was angered at having been disobeyed, and worried that Carlisle would not be ready to face them yet. I had told Carlisle he need not worry about their reactions concerning how I had spanked him, but in truth I was a little worried myself.
I closed my mind off to Edward and made my way towards the front door. As I neared it I could hear my children speaking.
"Do you think they're in there?" Emmett whispered.
"Please, this has got Esme written all over it," Edward responded with confidence.
"I don't smell them though," Emmett retorted and I heard a sigh of exasperation before Rosalie stated, "That's because it's been raining Emmett. Their scents have been washed away. Besides, I agree with Edward. This is has got Mom's signature all over it."
"Does it really?" I asked curiously as I opened the front door, feeling quite satisfied when all the children froze and gave me wide-eyed looks. My big bear of course was the first to recover, and he bounded on over to me with a loud yell of, "Mama, well don't you look simply ravishing!" And with that he wrapped his big arms around me and swung me around like a rag doll. Despite my anger I could not help but laugh.
"Alright Emmett, that is enough!" I scolded lightly. "Put me down!"
He immediately obeyed, setting me down gently before letting go and throwing me a cheeky grin. Once more I could not help but give a light laugh. He reminded me so much of his father right now.
The others approached us now, each one giving me a hug in greeting.
"So, I've never heard of this cottage," Emmett stated with a slight smirk, "why would that be, Mother dearest?" He wagged his eyebrows at me suggestively, and I just rolled my eyes, covering my mouth to keep from laughing.
"It's exactly what you're thinking Emmett, now quit distracting me and explain what you are doing here," I demanded, my tone suddenly stern.
The amused grins immediately left their faces to be left with guilty, apologetic looks.
"It's my fault we're here," Alice confessed as she stepped forward. "I couldn't stand not knowing what was going on. I was really worried that something was wrong or could go wrong so I disobeyed you and looked into your future." I narrowed my eyes, worried at what she may have seen. I was about to demand she tell me when she lowered her head and said, "I saw Dad crying and you unable to console him, and when I told the others we all decided to come and help."
My eyebrows rose in surprise, my mind racing to figure out what she may have seen. Had this happened already or was this something that had yet to happen? It must be in the future still because so far I had been able to offer my husband all the comfort he needed. Growing worried, I wondered what could possibly trigger such a response from Carlisle.
Alice, apparently concerned with my silence went on to quickly say, "I haven't checked your future at all since that time. I've only seen that little tidbit, I swear Mama. I'm sorry for disobeying you, but I was so, so worried about you!" She was nearly in tears at this point, so I pulled her into my arms.
"It's not just her fault," Jasper added, his eyes full of concern as he gazed at me and his mate. "We all decided that it was a good idea for her to look, and we all decided to come here." I stared at the others noting as they each gave serious nods in agreement.
I felt what little anger I had flow right out of me at this point. How could I be angry with them when they were only seeking to help? They must have been worried sick about Carlisle. I should have made a better effort to call them earlier, but I was so wrapped up with Carlisle that it had entirely slipped my mind. Oh, I am such an awful mother!
"No you aren't Mom, don't say that," Edward countered firmly. "You're the best mother ever and we figured you had your hands full with Dad."
"Yeah Ma, we know Pops can be a stubborn jerk when he puts his mind to it," Emmett concurred, and I was so relieved by their understanding and caring that I could not bring myself to reprimand him for having insulted his father.
"So how is he?" Rosalie asked with an air of indifference that fooled no one.
"He's doing better," I stated, closing my mind off as I suddenly wondered at what more to say. Should I tell them about what had happened? Should I mention the spanking now or wait for Carlisle to tell them himself? I thought it over rapidly before deciding I would be the one to tell them. I was feeling quite protective of my husband and I wanted to make sure the kids knew in no uncertain terms that I would not put up with them ridiculing their father in anyway.
I let out a tired sigh, causing the kids to all give me looks of concern. How was I going to say this? How would I bring this up?
"Are you alright Mom?" Alice asked as she gazed up at me with worried eyes.
"What do you mean he's doing better?" Edward pressed. "Has he forgiven himself? Is he coming home?"
I gave a mental grimace, realizing that my mental shields were not as strong as usual. I quickly fortified them so that Edward would not see anything I did not want him to. I then took in a steadying breath before deciding to dive right into it. Take charge, I told myself. You are their mother and they are looking to you for answers and support right now. You must remain strong.
"I am doing just fine sweetheart," I answered Alice as I smoothed back her short hair. Looking towards Edward, I then said, "Yes, he is coming home and he has mostly forgiven himself. He still feels the need to speak with all of you, especially you Emmett before he can fully forgive himself."
Sighs of relief were let out, the atmosphere lifting both from my news and Jasper's influence.
"Can we see him?" Emmett asked as he took a few steps towards the door. "Where is he anyway? Why isn't he out here? Is he too afraid to speak to us? Is he angry? Does he not want to see me? Do you think I should leave?" My burly boy questioned rapidly, quickly working himself up into a state. Releasing Alice from my embrace I immediately went over to Emmett and wrapped my arms around him.
"Shhh Emmett, everything is alright," I whispered into his ears, easily feeling as his body trembled from fear of being rejected by Carlisle. How alike those two were, I thought to myself. Each one fearing rejection from the other when both clearly felt nothing but forgiveness and love for one another.
"Of course Carlisle wants to see you Emmett, how could you ever think any differently?" I chastised softly as I stared into his anxious eyes. "Carlisle is not out here because he is 'sleeping'," I explained, and they each understood that to mean Carlisle was in a meditative trance. It was as close to sleeping as we could get so we just took to referring to it as so.
"Oh," Emmett mumbled, a sheepish look crossing his expression as he gently extricated himself from my embrace. "I thought Pops couldn't sleep," he mentioned with some surprise and I noted Rose and his siblings felt the same.
"Your father has been through a lot the past day and he is mentally and emotionally spent. His mind welcomed the rest quite easily with my assistance," I explained.
"Mom, what's been going on?" Jasper questioned with a shrewd expression. "You look as though you've been run through the mill a time or two and yer feelins', well, you ain't exactly feelin' as calm as you seem," he spoke, giving me a somewhat apologetic look.
"You're blocking me too," Edward added in concern. "Why? What happened?"
I let out another tired sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose. I really did not want to have this discussion right now. I was considering dismissing their questions until another time when I felt energy and calmness spread through me. Knowing instantly it was Jasper I shot the boy a pointed look and he immediately stopped.
"Sorry Mama," he mumbled apologetically, "but it seemed like ya could use a little help." Seeing nothing but honest concern in his eyes I relaxed my face and gave him a small smile.
"Thank you for the concern Jasper, but I am as fine as can be considering the situation. Now, I am going to explain to you all what happened so I'm going to need you to remain silent until I finish. I will not tell you everything mind you, because much of what occurred was private. It will be up to your father whether or not to reveal details, do you understand?"
Slightly confused looks were exchanged by the five of them before nods of assent were given.
"I told you already that Carlisle was having a hard time forgiving himself for what happened," I mentioned, and they all nodded. I looked towards Emmett as I then said, "He was extremely distraught over what he did to you and refused to believe that you could possibly have forgiven him. He felt undeserving, and he felt as though he had failed each of you." I looked each one of them in the face, pleased to see all of them looking upset. I could tell Rosalie was trying to hide her true feelings with a haughty expression, but I had known my princess long enough to be able to see past her facades.
"Why did he think he had failed us?" Alice asked in disbelief.
"He promised you all that he would never raise a hand to you in anger, so he felt he failed after what happened with Emmett," I explained. I looked back over at Emmett at this point to see him looking more and more upset.
I bit my lip, wondering how much more to say.
"You got through to him though, didn't you?" Edward asked when I said nothing. "You said he no longer feels like this."
I gave a slight shake of my head as I gently corrected him. "I said no such thing Edward. Carlisle has accepted that we have forgiven him and is now well on his way to forgiving himself; however, there is much more going on now than you realize. What happened Friday night brought up a lot of emotional trauma and he has had a terrible time dealing with it."
"What do you mean?" Jasper pressed, his concern and confusion coming off of him in waves.
"I believe what happened dredged up memories your father would rather have left forgotten," I answered heavily. "In addition to dealing with his guilt over having hurt you Emmett, he has been dealing with the abuse he suffered at the hands of Samuel."
A few gasps were heard.
"He's been likening himself to his father again, hasn't he," Edward stated morosely, and my throat constricted slightly as I gave a single curt nod.
"Let me talk to him Mama," Emmett suddenly insisted. "He's being ridiculous! Pops is nothing like that abusive bastard! Yeah, okay, he overdid it when it came to my punishment, but I know he feels terrible for what happened; and let me tell you, I doubt Samuel ever felt this kind of guilt after beating Pops down."
"I agree completely son, and I will let you speak with Carlisle, but right now I have more to say. There is something more you need to know," I informed him. "Your father's guilt and despair were so intense he refused to listen to or believe anything I said. When I first found him he was convinced he had lost us all and when I told him he hadn't he decided that he would not return. He convinced himself that we would be better off without him and that he was unsafe. He teetered back and forth with being furious and being distraught. He tried several times to anger me in the hopes that I would hurt him."
Edward let out an exasperated groan as the others looked at me in surprise and worry.
"I had to do something to get through to him. I had to do something to get him to forgive himself. He was seeking punishment so I decided to oblige him," I said. Now, along with the surprise and worry I also saw confusion.
"What do you mean you obliged him?" Rosalie asked suspiciously.
Here goes nothing, I thought. "I spanked him," I answered casually, like it was no big deal, while at the same time bracing myself for whatever may come.
Silence. Stunned silence. Disbelieving silence.
"You-you did what?!" Emmett gasped in absolute shock, a soft chuckle escaping him as he no doubt believed I was joking.
"I spanked him," I repeated, giving him a raised eyebrow when he opened and closed his mouth, no sound coming out as I for once silenced my most rambunctious child.
"Yer joshin' us," Jasper inputted with utmost sincerity, maneuvering himself so that he was looking right at me.
"No, I'm not," I responded honestly, and his eyes widened almost comically. I stared over at Edward, Alice and Rosalie and found them to be in a similar state. Well, at least they hadn't started laughing, I thought ruefully.
I allowed them several minutes of silence, but when they still said nothing I decided to offer a little more explanation.
"I was the one who suggested the punishment when I figured out Carlisle would not forgive himself unless he felt he had been punished. This was not what he expected, but when I informed him that it was this or nothing then he decided to give in. I did not force him," I stressed. "Carlisle is not my child and I would never subject him to this without his full consent; so, while I suggested the punishment, it was Carlisle who ultimately asked me to administer it. As of now I believe it worked, but I am not certain. We have been discussing other matters since he, well, since the punishment ended."
I paused at this point, a bit of anxiousness escaping me as I waited for the kids to speak. Please do not hate me, I thought in sudden desperation. Please understand why this had to be done. Please show maturity.
"Is he alright?" Alice finally asked in a small voice, and I gave a slow nod, feeling a huge amount of relief that I saw no scorn or derision on their faces. Perhaps they were still dealing with the shock of what I had said, but at the moment they seemed more concerned with whether or not Carlisle was okay.
Giving Alice a loving look, I honestly replied, "I believe so. We have not really discussed it."
"Why?" Edward questioned with furrowed brow.
"Because we have been discussing his childhood," I responded, feeling no need to expand on what exactly was discussed.
The kids exchanged shocked looks, knowing just as well as I that Carlisle did not ever discuss his past. They then had their own silent conversation before turning back to me.
"I can't believe you spanked Pops," Emmett murmured, giving a bewildered shake of his head. "I mean, this is Pops we're talking about. He's a tough guy. Did it even hurt him?" he asked with a slight smirk, and I narrowed my eyes at him.
"What exactly are you insinuating Emmett Cullen?" I demanded, deeply offended that he felt me incapable of delivering an effective spanking.
Jasper, no doubt sensing my change in mood sent me a soothing wave while turning towards his brother. "Woah Em, I wouldn't go there bro," he advised wisely. "Take it from me. Mama is more than capable of deliverin' a proper lickin'. I guarantee Papa is feelin' it."
Emmett gave Jasper a slightly startled look before turning an assessing eye to me. I had a feeling there was a part of him that still was unable to comprehend what I had done.
"Did he cry?" he asked, and I was somewhat surprised to note he was being completely serious with me. He even showed genuine concern, but despite that I refused to answer the question.
"I'm sorry Emmett, but I will not answer that," I told him. "I will treat his punishment as your father treats yours, meaning I will not discuss details with you. It will be up to Carlisle whether or not he wants to discuss anything with you, but you will not pester him about this," I added on sternly.
Emmett's POV:
I couldn't believe what Mom had just confessed to. I mean I really, really could not believe she had blistered Pop's backside. Man oh man, talk about unbelievable! This was just mind boggling! Who woulda thought that my sweet Mama bear would do this? I knew she was gonna rip into the old man, but I so did not see this coming. Wow… I just…wow.
I turned towards each one of my siblings wanting to know if they felt as I did. Alice looked concerned, if for Pops or Mom or both I didn't know, but she no longer looked surprised. That didn't surprise me. Alice was the most accepting and she probably was already over the shock, if in fact she had ever been shocked. Jasper, like his mate seemed to have overcome his shock with calm acceptance. I dunno, maybe he'd heard of mates disciplining one another in other covens, but he now looked to be sharing Alice's concern. Edward, with his wide eyes still looked stunned and I had no doubt he felt much like I did. Good, at least I wasn't the only one. Turning towards my Rosie I found her to be conflicted. There was a strong glimmer of satisfaction in her eyes as she no doubt felt Pops had deserved whatever Mom had dished out, but there was also concern, and I knew Rose well enough to know that concern was for Pops.
Looking back towards my mom I inwardly frowned at how worn and stressed she looked. Feeling suddenly protective of her I asked, "Pops didn't give you a hard time did he?" I doubted he had, but I wasn't quite sure what could have caused her to look like this. My mama was not well.
Mom blinked at me, apparently caught off guard by my question before she shook her head. "No Emmett, he did not." I relaxed slightly not sure if I really believed her. This was Pops though, I argued with myself. He wouldn't have put up a fuss.
Looking once more at Mom I studied her more closely trying to discern why she still seemed to be so upset. I wanted to ask her a ton of questions, but I had the feeling she wouldn't answer them, so instead I just walked right up to her, placed my hands on her shoulders and said in my most serious voice, "Everything is going to be alright Mom, don't you worry. I'm fine. Pops is fine, and we'll be back to ourselves, driving you up a wall in no time." And with that I pulled her in for a hug. She immediately returned the embrace, chuckling softly as she buried her head in the crook of my neck.
"Oh Emmett," she sighed softly, "thank you sweetheart." I held her in my arms for a few more seconds before she broke away. I could see tears in her eyes, but she quickly rubbed a hand over her face as she composed herself. She looked dead tired, I thought in worry. This must have taken a toll on her.
"Mom, why don't you go hunting," Edward suggested gently, seemingly sharing the same worry for our mother that I did. The others quickly voiced their agreements.
"We'll take care of Dad," Jasper assured her as Alice added, "Yeah Mom, take all the time you need. We've got everything under control here."
She stared at each one of us, clearly torn before Rosalie stated, "We won't pester him Mom if that's what you're afraid of. We told you we'd already forgiven him and that's the truth. If Dad wakes up before you get back we will be supportive."
Mom gazed at Rose with deep appreciation and pride before nodding her head in acceptance. "Alright," she agreed tiredly, "I will go hunting, but I will not be gone long. Please let your father rest, he desperately needs it, and if he wakes up do not push him into talking about anything. Be gentle and understanding as he is sincerely concerned about all your reactions to what he did and his punishment."
"Don't worry Mom, we won't give him a hard time," Edward asserted firmly. I gave a small grin as I mentally told him, It seems like we're about to induct another member into the Cullen Spanking Support Group. Never in a million years woulda thought Pops would be joining though.
Edward shot me a look that clearly said 'shut up', but his eyes were full of amusement and his lips thin as he fought back a smile. Jasper gave us both curious looks, no doubt confused by the sudden amusement he felt coming off of us.
"Have a good hunt Mom," I spoke, "and take as long as you need. Pops is in safe hands."
Gracing us all with loving, appreciative smiles Mom bid us farewell and took off. My siblings, Rose, and I automatically began looking at one another somehow able to express our shock, concern, and determination to help our parents out all at once.
"Mom is not doin' well," Jasper stated with a frown as he crossed his arms over his chest. "Her emotions were all over the place," he commented. "She was feelin' anxious, worried, saddened, guilty, an' tired. Whatever happened with Dad really wore her out."
"She's been put in a sticky situation," I mentioned, my stomach twisting with guilt. "She's been torn from the get go between defending us and being loyal to her mate." I let out a humorless chuckle before saying, "I know Mom just got back from vacation but after all this I think she's going to need another one."
A few weak smiles were given before Edward said, "Mom and Dad are a team and they are used to leaning on one another in times of stress. Right now though, Mom is dealing with everything on her own as I doubt Dad is in any condition to be supportive."
"I remember how guilty Mom felt after she gave me a lickin' that one time, but at least she had Dad ta help her," Jasper recounted. "She had no one this time."
"Yeah, and not only is she dealing with guilt for having sp-punished Dad," Rosalie added, "she is dealing with Dad's past. Mom mentioned that what happened with Emmett brought up a lot of bad memories. Well, it must have really affected him because Dad never talks about his past, at least not willingly. I can only imagine how bad a shape he must have been in for Mom to have been able to get him to talk."
"Dads never been able to fall into a meditative trance either so that also shows how bad things have gotten. Dads breaking down and Mom has had to deal with it all alone," Edward spoke grimly.
Silence greeted his words as we all tried to digest how bad things were. It was worse than I had imagined that's for sure. Mom was in a bad state so I could only imagine how Dad was. I mean he was the one that had to deal with not only the punishment from Mom, but with talking about his past, which we all knew he hated to do."
"Okay, it's obvious both Mom and Dad are in rough shape," Alice stated, a determined glint in her eye, "So it's going to be up to us to help them out. That means no messing about you guys," she warned, giving us each a threatening look. "We've got to tread carefully because I doubt either one wants to accept our help. Mom is more likely to open up but I think we can all agree that Dad will give us trouble since he is the suffer in silence kind of guy."
"You got that right," Edward agreed with complete certainty. "He's not as bad as he used to be thankfully, but he still keeps things to himself."
"Yeah, I've noticed that as well," Jasper remarked. "He doesn't like to show us when he's upset. I've confronted him a time or two when I've felt him suddenly become sad, guilty, and ashamed but he quickly brushed my concerns off, his emotions changing back to happiness and contentment. He's pretty good at distractin'," Jazz muttered with narrowed eyes. "Those times I confronted him he managed to turn the conversation to lighter matters without me realizin' it."
"Those emotions were probably relating to his past," Rosalie asserted, a look of anger crossing her expression. "Dad is the most secretive with it comes to that. There have been several times where I've wanted to talk to him about his past, but I've just never felt comfortable doing so."
"He wouldn't have answered you anyway," Edward told her. "He's rarely ever mentioned his past willingly. I've known him the longest and I still have little idea of what he was up to prior to finding me, especially in regards to his human years. I think we can all agree that Dad was traumatized by his experiences and that is why he doesn't bring it up."
"He's led us on to believe that he's not bothered by what happened, but his actions state otherwise," Rosalie added.
"His emotions say the same," Jasper said. "When Dad confessed how he received his scars I could tell he still felt ashamed of them. I could also sense deep sadness, guilt, and anger just under the surface but they vanished quickly as we changed topics. Whether he's willin' to acknowledge it or not, Dad is still bothered by his childhood."
"Since Mom got him to open up about it though, I'm hoping she was able to help. This is a step forward right?" Alice questioned.
"Maybe," I responded with a light shrug. "It's a good thing that he's opening up as it's helpful to get things off your chest, but…," I trailed off, staring over at my Rose. She caught my look and finished my sentence. "But once you open up that door it's like a floodgate is released. He's going to start recalling more memories and in more detail, which will only make things worse, at least at first. If he keeps on opening up to Mom then he should be fine, but if he shuts down and internalizes everything, then he's going to have some serious problems."
"You can't go back to the way things were," Jasper stated knowledgeably, sharing an understanding look with Rosalie. Those two were the ones who had the worst trauma in their past, so I knew they more than anyone understood a little of what Pops must be going through. They'd had their floodgates opened, but thankfully Pops and Mom had been able to help both of them deal with their past traumas.
"Edward," I suddenly stated, "we know from what Mom said that we're dealing with Dad's human years. You know more about his past than any of us. What issues is he dealing with here? I know Mom can help him, but after seeing the state she's in, it's obvious she needs help, and that's us. What do we need to know before Dad wakes up?"
Edward grimaced before running a hand through his bronze hair. "Look guys, I've told you everything I know about Dad's past. You know about his abusive father, and you know about the Ariana incident. Outside of that, I know nothing else."
"Samuel beat him," Alice spat out with uncharacteristic viciousness, "but we know he didn't just abuse Dad physically. What did he say?" she questioned Edward.
Edward inhaled a deep breath, closing his eyes briefly as his mind no doubt went back to the day he witnessed the memory. Opening his eyes he looked at us all with dark eyes as he said, "Samuel was very derogatory. He insulted Dad, calling him weak and pathetic. He said Dad was a disgrace and a failure." I gritted my teeth, a growl rumbling in my chest at his words.
"Right before the memory hit," Edward recalled, "I could hear Samuel's voice in Dad's head. He was insulting and telling Dad he was just like him. He was ridiculing Dad for feeling so guilty and upset for having spanked me."
Rosalie let out a hiss, her eyes darkening with anger. "So Samuel tore Dad down and made him feel worthless," she spat.
"Basically," Edward responded in a grim tone.
"Okay, so we gotta make sure we don't let Pops talk himself down. We know he's beating himself up over what happened with me, but we can't let him believe that he's anything like his psychopathic father," I declared.
"It's gonna be you that has the most influence Em," Jasper informed me. "You were the one he hurt, so you are the one he'll listen to the most. You two need ta discuss what happened without any of our interference."
I nodded my head, suddenly feeling a little anxious. I'd been pretty much ignoring what happened to me since I figured out how upset Pops was. I'd been more intent on helping him that I still hadn't quite digested how I really felt about it all. Hurt and anger welled up in me, but I quickly squashed it down, earning a searching look from both my brothers.
"Dad will want to know exactly how you feel Emmett, so don't try and downplay your feelings. If you're hurt or angry, then tell him," Edward advised, staring at me with concerned eyes.
"But not right now," I argued firmly. "Dad needs us. This can wait." Edward gave me a doubtful look while Rosalie came over and took one of my hands in hers.
"Dad needs you to talk to him," Edward refuted just as firmly. "Now is the perfect time. You heard Mom. He's forgiven himself but only up to a certain extent. He needs our forgiveness and yours most of all before we can put this all behind us."
"As much as I hate agreeing with my know-it-all brother, Edward is right," Rosalie said to me in a gentle voice. "You and Dad need to talk things through." I stared into her eyes full of honest concern and gave a reluctant nod. "Okay guys, we'll talk as soon as possible," I agreed, and they all gave me nods of support and relief.
"How about we go inside and see how Dad is doing?" Alice suggested after a few awkward moments of silence. I immediately gave her a big grin as I enthusiastically responded, "Hell yeah! I wanna see how Pops looks when he's sleeping. Do you think he sucks his thumb?" I questioned impishly getting the desired rolling eyes and amused looks from Rose and my siblings.
"Yeah Em, I'm sure he does," Jasper drawled sarcastically as he and Alice led the way in. We all followed, the air charged with sudden eagerness. It seemed I wasn't the only one feeling curious at the prospect of catching Pops in an unguarded moment. The guy was usually so uptight and controlled, hence the whole debacle with us kids trying to push him over the edge. Gotta admit it wasn't our best idea ever, but in all honestly none of us ever expected we'd succeed.
We all traipsed silently into the house, careful to not make any noise. We certainly didn't want to wake the old man as Mom would have our hides. She was adamant that he needed his sleep so it would be a little counterproductive to our 'help the parents out' mission if we disturbed his beauty rest. As we walked through the house I could clearly see the 'rents influence everywhere. On the wall was a painting featuring medieval medicine while further down there was a vase with fake flowers that used to reside in one of our older houses. We were just passing a doorway to the kitchen when I stumbled into Jasper and Alice who had suddenly stopped walking.
"Hey!" I protested in a whisper. "What the hell?!"
They didn't respond. Instead Jasper asked, "What d'ya think happened in there?" I quickly turned my head to look inside the kitchen and was surprised by what I saw. Bits of wood which originally made up a table were scattered all over. There was a dent in the wall, and I gleaned that someone had thrown the previously mentioned wood at it. Curiosity brimming I walked inside to see the countertop under the window severely cracked.
"Oh man," I exhaled in awe. "Do you think it happened in here? Do you think Dad broke the table?" I turned towards all my siblings to find them all staring at the mess with wide eyes.
"It's possible," Edward eventually in a doubtful voice, "but I don't know. This looks more like someone losing their temper than a, um, well, y'know," he remarked with sudden embarrassment.
"It didn't happen in here," Alice stated with such certainty that we all stared at her in surprise.
"How do you know?" I asked suspiciously. I thought she hadn't seen this happening..
"Because it happened here," she replied simply, moving aside to allow us to walk through another archway that led to what looked like a living room. I knew right away she was right, not because of the broken chair, but because of the dreaded piece of leather lying innocently on the sofa. I felt queasy just at the sight of it, my mind flashing back to Friday's punishment. That thing needed to be destroyed.
"Holy crap," Edward murmured in absolute shock, "you don't think she used that on him, do you?"
My eyes widened, my mind not having made that connection when I had seen the object. Oh my god. Mom hadn't just spanked Pops, she'd whipped him. What the hell! To date I'd been the only one to be on the receiving end of that cursed belt, so the others didn't really know how bad it really was. My worry for Pops suddenly increased ten-fold as I knew exactly how he must be feeling right now.
"That belt would feel an awful lot like a strap, wouldn't it?" Rosalie remarked in a quiet, distant voice and we all turned to her at once.
"Yes," Jasper answered slowly, not quite understanding why Rosalie was asking the question. Edward and I did because we suddenly shared a worried look.
"What?" Alice asked in confusion. "What is it—Oh," she mumbled, her eyes going wide as she made the connection. "Samuel was fond of using a strap on Carlisle," she stated more than asked, and Jasper gave a gasp as he too finally understood what Rosalie was saying.
"Mom said Dad had been dealin' with issues from his childhood, and then when Mom punishes him she uses a belt. Yer thinkin' this may have brought up more or worse memories?" Jasper questioned, and my mate gave a slight nod.
"Yes and no," she responded sadly. "I was thinking more that Dad may have had a flashback, which might explain the broken chair and tattered shirt. Dad isn't one for breaking furniture, and I have no doubt he'd be even less inclined to do so during a punishment as he would view it as a weakness. He wouldn't want Mom to think he was trying to get away; but if he lost himself in a memory…," she trailed off with a grimace. I knew my Rose knew what she was talking about because she'd ended up having a flashback once when Pops had punished her.
"Then he wouldn't have known who she was or where he was. He would have panicked," Edward finished knowledgeably. "Dad lost himself in the memory dealing with Ariana, and it was only after I struck him that he came back to the present."
I stared at my little bro with some respect. "You hit Pops and lived to tell about it? Nice."
Edward rolled his eyes while Rosalie smacked my arm. "That wasn't the point Emmett and you know it," she scolded, and I gave her an apologetic look. "The point is," she stated with a stern look at me, "that Dad may have had a flashback during his punishment. We can't know for certain, of course, but I wouldn't be surprised if he did."
"Come on, I don't want to be in here anymore," Alice spoke anxiously. "I want to see Dad." And with that she walked out of the room, all of us instantly following as she led us down another hallway and into a bedroom.
"Wow," were the words uttered by Alice as our first glimpse of the room revealed a shattered bookcase, a dent in the wall, and a broken, dresser, desk, and lamp. Holy shizznits, what the hell did our parents get up to when we weren't there? Either somebody had a hell of a temper tantrum or the 'rents got a little too enthusiastic, if you catch my drift.
We slowly and very quietly inched our way into the room taking in the damage before all our eyes focused at once on the bed, or more precisely the figure lying in the bed. Pops was (unsurprisingly) lying on his stomach with his head on a pillow. He wasn't moving, not even to breathe so it was kind of creepy as he really looked dead. There were no covers so his bare back with all its scars were prominently displayed. Rosalie grabbed hold of my hand as we moved in a little closer. We could see his face at this point, and right away we all noted how utterly beat he looked. The circles under his eyes stood out more than ever and he was also paler than usual. He looked so freakin tired, and the more I stared at him the more I noted how young Pops really was.
Pops was always so mature, responsible, in control and all knowing that I never really stopped to consider his physical age. Truthfully, I had been totally surprised when I had found out he was only twenty-three, a few years older than me. I had thought for sure he had to have been in his thirties, but that was only because he acted so much older than he was. Staring down at him now though, it was really easy to see the twenty-three year old. It was really easy to see his youth and vulnerability, and that really bothered me.
I didn't think him weak or anything. No, instead this made me be even more in awe of him than I already had been. Pops had been only twenty-three when he'd been turned, and he'd had to deal with the change all on his own. He didn't have anyone to explain anything to him or to reassure him that everything was alright. He didn't have anyone to tell him that he wasn't a monster and that he wasn't damned to hell. He didn't have anyone to tell him that he would never be alone even if he wanted to be, and that he was welcomed and loved.
"We should go," I blurted out quietly, suddenly wanting to be anywhere but here. "Pops wouldn't want us to see him like this," I explained before making a hasty retreat. I made my way outside, wanting to get away from any reminder of what had happened or how badly my stupidity had messed up my parents. Why couldn't I just behave, I berated myself. Why couldn't I be a better son?
Rosalie was by my side in an instant, taking my head in hers and staring at me with eyes full of understanding. "Stop thinking so lowly of yourself Emmett," she spoke in a firm voice. "You are a wonderful son and you know Mom and Dad love you. And stop trying to compare yourself to Dad. You are each your own person and he'd never expect you to act like anyone other than yourself," she chided gently.
I heaved a sigh as I brought her in for a hug. Jeez, how did this woman know me so well? I glanced up to see each of my siblings staring at me with the same understanding, and I couldn't help but snort. I guess I'm an easy guy to read, I thought with some amusement. I was really touched by their concern and although I found it pretty annoying I was also touched by how they knew me so well.
"We'll wait out here for Mom to return or Dad to wake up," Alice declared as she leaned into Jasper's embrace. Nobody mentioned anything, but just as easily as they read me I was able to read them; and what I gleaned was that they had been thinking the same things I had. They too had been caught unawares by how tired and vulnerable our Pops had looked, and just like me they didn't like it.
There was an increased air of determination around us as we settled ourselves down. Our parents needed us and we would not let them down.
Carlisle's POV:
Blackness surrounded me, but it was not oppressive or frightening. It was calming, but I could feel something trying to break though. I could feel something trying to shatter through the tranquility. Before anything could happen though beautiful music flooded my ears and the calmness prevailed, the comforting blackness strengthening. I welcomed the calm and peacefulness, relishing in the absence of thought. I remained this way for a while, even after the music suddenly stopped. Slowly though, so slowly I failed to notice at first, the blackness began to crack. The calmness began to recede. I desperately grabbed on to the last tendrils of serenity but the comforting silence was quickly replaced with voices, voices that were angry, hurt, and scared.
"I am innocent! I am innocent!"
"Help me Carlisle! Please!"
"You disgust me, you pathetic, weak child!"
"Please Father, I am sorry! Please do not punish me!"
"You will never amount to anything!"
"Please forgive me Father!"
"You should never have been born you wretched ingrate!"
"I am so sorry Father, so, so sorry!"
"Save me Carlisle, please save me!"
"Kill her Carlisle."
"No, I cannot. I will not!"
"Kill her Carlisle!"
"NO!"
The blackness immediately shattered and I found myself stumbling through the woods with a loaded pistol in my hand. I was bloodied and in incredible pain, but there was a fire in my eyes and a heavy darkness in my heart.
This was it, I thought. I was finally going to end this. He would not hurt me or anyone else ever again.
I gripped my aching ribs, pausing for several moments to catch my breath. The rain came down harder than ever and it only increased the agony I was in. I normally found rain to be peaceful and soothing, but not today. Today it only impeded me, making the ground muddy and slippery. It was hard to walk and I was freezing. Not to mention the heavy droplets that felt like jagged rocks on my shredded back.
I was determined though and nothing was going to stop me. Samuel Cullen had hurt me for the last time.
I panted as I once more made my way through the woods. His house (I had long since stopped considering it my home) was on the outskirts of the city, and I was finally able to see it. It was early morning, but due to the rain Father had lit a lantern in the home since it was still so dark outside.
My heart beat rapidly as I tightened my hold on the pistol.
Do not be a coward I chided myself. You must go through with this. You must kill him!
I was panting heavily now, my body nearly spent. I felt like collapsing, but knew that if I fell I would be unable to get myself up again. Keep moving. One step in front of the other.
I looked up and found myself in front of the house. A glance through the window revealed Samuel sitting at the table with a steaming cup of tea in his hands. His back was to me. This was all too perfect. I could pull the trigger now and he would not even realize who it was that had shot him.
No, not that way though. Look him in the eyes as it happens. Let him know it was you. Look him in the eyes and make him pay for all that he has done. Make him pay!
Fury and overwhelming despair coursed through me. I had to do this, I told myself. I just had to. I could not live this way anymore. I could not live in fear, and I was so tired of the lies. I was so tired of the beatings, the dirty looks, the cruel words. I was so tired of all the madness.
Samuel Cullen I was convinced was the true monster, not those he hunted. They may be thieves, they may even be murderers, but they were not worse than the man sitting in that house. He was a man who hid behind God to fulfill his sadistic need for death. He deserved to die. He needed to die, and I had to be the one to do it. No one else saw what I saw. No one else knew what I knew. It had to be me.
I leaned heavily against the wooden post of the front porch, my vision going blurry momentarily. I just wanted to pass out. I just wanted to sleep and forget everything. I did not want to feel or think anymore.
Be strong, I scolded harshly. Be courageous. Now is not the time for weakness!
My heart beat at a near frantic pace now. It beat so loudly I was surprised Samuel could not hear it. My legs trembled and I tried to force myself to walk inside, but I was suddenly unable to manage a single step. Fear gripped me and a wave of dizziness nearly knocked me off my feet.
I gritted my teeth as I took in several slow, deep breaths. Now is not the time for this Carlisle Cullen! Get it together. Remember why you are doing this. That man is a murderer!
I took several more deep breaths and forcefully swallowed back any fear. Determination once more flowed through me, but as I tried to take a step my legs nearly collapsed from under me. Gripping on to the wooden post as tightly as possible I steadied myself as best as possible. My body was spent. It was on fire and I had no energy left to even move. How was I to even get in the door to shoot him, I thought grimly with a sardonic smile.
Shoot him through the window, a voice whispered encouragingly. He is sitting just there. You cannot possibly miss.
I maneuvered myself on shaky legs so that I was standing to the side of the window. Leaning on the house now I peeked inside, and sure enough there my father still sat, obviously not bothered by the prospect of his son freezing to death out in the cold rain. Hurt tore through me, but just as quickly I allowed it to be overcome with anger.
Feed off the anger and use it to your advantage. He is sitting right there. Just kill him. It will be so easy. Just do it. Do it! DO IT!
And like that, without another thought, without a moment of hesitation I moved myself in front of the window, raised the pistol, and pulled the trigger.
Click!
What the hell?!
I jerked back in surprise, nearly tripping over myself before staring at the pistol in my hand. I had pulled the trigger but nothing had happened.
My heart started to hammer once again and the haziness in my mind began to lift. The shock of what had just happened had rid me of whatever self-righteous anger I had and reality quickly took its place. My throat felt tight as my stomach curled in on itself. What had I just tried to do?
Feeling suddenly as though the world was closing in on me I somehow found the necessary energy to turn around and run. I had no destination in mind as all I wanted was to get as far away from this place as possible. I ran hard and I ran fast. My legs burned. My ribs burned. My back burned. I slipped, tripped, and fell a multitude of times, but it was not until I fell and could no longer find the strength to lift myself that I finally stopped.
Lying on my hands and knees I did the best I could to control my rapid heartbeat and short breaths, but if anything I felt like my breaths were becoming shorter and shorter. Why? Why did I do that? What right did I have to play God? I had almost killed my own father! What the hell had I been thinking? What if the gun had actually gone off?!
Panic seized me at this moment and breathing became even harder. Nausea gripped me and I stubbornly held it at bay as I fought to catch my breath. I was gasping, choking and crying. I could not breathe. What had I been thinking? How could I?
"Get him to breathe, he's panicking!" a voice yelled in the distant.
Breathe? I was trying, but it wasn't working. My nails dug into the soft earth, my lungs burning with the need for air. Black spots danced in front of my eyes.
"Come on, breathe with me! Breathe with me! He's not listening!" another voice yelled in a panic.
I tried to kill him, I wanted to scream. I almost killed my own father!
Oh God, please forgive me, I begged silently. Please, please forgive me!
"God dammit Pops, listen to me!" the same voice yelled in near desperation.
Pops? What kind of a name was that? Who was that?
"Please Dad, come back to us!" a female voice sobbed. "You're alright. You're safe!"
Dad? She called me Dad, I thought in amazement.
"Breathe Dad!"
"You can do it Dad!"
"Come back to us, please!"
"Breath with me Pops. In and out. In and out."
I mechanically followed suit, my mind reeling as I suddenly realized what was happening…
My eyes snapped wide open, my body freezing as I tried to block what had just occurred while at the same time assessing what was happening right now. Slowly beginning to take a few steady breaths I lifted my eyes up and saw four sets of panic-stricken eyes staring right back. I felt a set of arms wrapped around me and my back was pressed up against someone's chest, Emmett's chest.
What were they doing here? When did they get here? What did they just see? What must they be thinking? Did I scare them? Did I hurt any of them?
I felt I should say something, anything, but my mind was completely frozen. I was surprised, but gratified to note that I had unconsciously erected my mental barrier, which meant Edward had not viewed the memory—don't think about it!
My children continued to stare at me, their eyes now revealing wariness along with deep concern. I swallowed thickly, suddenly feeling extremely exposed and uncomfortable. What had they witnessed? What did they think? What had I done?
I shuddered involuntarily, my breathing picking up in tempo once more. I suddenly felt trapped and I desperately wanted out. I didn't like the feel of arms restraining me, and these four walls were by far too restrictive. I wanted out, and I wanted out right now. Where was Esme? Why was she not here? I thought frantically. Why did she leave me?
"Let me go," I gasped out in a hoarse voice. Emmett's arms immediately released me and I flashed over to the window as quickly as I could, accidentally shattering the glass in my haste to open it. I gripped the broken windowsill tightly as I resisted the urge to jump out and run from all of this. Deciding instead to work on regaining some semblance of control, I took in several deep breaths, holding them in for several seconds before exhaling. At the same time I also hummed my lullaby over and over again. I debated asking Jasper for help, but decided against that because I wanted to do this on my own. I had to prove to myself that I could do this alone.
Time passed and I failed to attain any calmness. My mind kept flashing towards Sarah, how I had killed her, and how I had tried to kill my own father. It was a mere fluke, wet gun powder in fact that had saved the man's life. What had I been thinking? How could I have murdered a man in cold blood? Was I as bad as him?
My breathing rate continued to increase, but I was not panicking. Tears welled up into my eyes, and although I tried my damndest to fight them, I failed. As all my feelings overwhelmed me the tears began to fall. I closed my eyes shaking my head in a futile attempt to rid myself of these damned tears, but to no avail.
Oh God, what had I done? I cannot take this anymore. Please, I need help. Please, please, please!
And with that my shoulders began to shake with suppressed sobs. My knees slowly bent and I sank down to the floor, my head and hands resting on the windowsill. I wanted Esme, I thought desperately. Why wasn't she here? Where had she gone? I needed her so badly!
I flinched, giving a gasp of surprise when I felt a tiny hand pull my shoulder. Whirling around, I saw Alice staring at me with tear stained cheeks.
"Oh Daddy," she cried before wrapping her arms around me. "It'll be okay," she said, "you'll see." I only began to cry harder, my grip tightening before I was once more startled by not one, but four more sets of arms trying to wrap around me. My kids all huddled near, each one attempting to be in contact with me in an attempt to offer me all the comfort they could.
"We love you Dad," Edward stated, his voice choked up.
"Yeah Papa, we love ya, and ya ain't gotta be afraid of cryin' in front of us," Jasper spoke up next.
"It's not a weakness to cry," Emmett added wisely, "so let it all out."
"We've got you," Alice said.
"And we're not going anywhere," Rosalie declared firmly.
Their words touched me more than they would ever realize, and like with Esme I finally stopped fighting and just decided to let go. Dropping the last bit of control, I began to sob, clinging onto my five children as though they were a lifeline.
True to their words, they never let go. They stayed with me, tightening their grips and closing in the harder and longer I cried. They whispered soothing, loving words, and I could have sworn I heard one or two of them singing my lullaby.
My children still loved me, I told myself. They still loved me; and although I knew I still had a lot to come terms with, things finally started to look up for me. Hope shined brightly.
A/N: So...what'd you think? I actually really liked this chapter. I love seeing the siblings bond together, and I really love how they come to dear daddy's rescue! Let me know your thoughts by PLEASE REVIEWING!