Read this: Hello all! Just wanted to tell you that you can expect at least four more chapters involving more pants, and MUCH more Draco/Hermione. Now, THIS chapter may make some of you a little irritable, but you'd better read to the end because it DOES forward the plot. Yes, this fic is Dramione, but this chapter had to happen—and was SUCH fun to write. Please review!

Also, you should all know this by now but: warning for sexual content!

Chapter Thirteen: The Big Banger Theory

..

Friday was absolute torture. So torturous, in fact, that I'd stolen away to the infirmary and pretended to be sick. But around six o'clock Madame Pomphrey told me that as it was the tenth time I'd attempted to feign an illness this year, I had to go down and join dinner or else she was going to make sure all my professors knew what my game was.

Furiously, I stalked through the Great Hall and took a seat at the dining room table. Great. It was bangers and mash night. The last thing I needed was to look at girls eating cock-shaped food items. I was so unbelievably sexually frustrated at this point that it was almost physically painful. I thought it was bad having a four month dry spell, but it was much, much worse to endure the best shag of my life and then be denied release. Moodily, I spooned some vegetables on my plate, determined to hunger strike until I wet my dick.

Out of habit, I looked toward the Gryffindor table and caught sight of Granger, who had stabbed a particularly large banger onto her fork and was observing it with a look of fierce hunger in her brown eyes. Despite myself, I kept watching while I half-heartedly spooned turnips into my mouth. Granger had a book open, her finger tracing the pages. She very slowly brought the sausage to her supple mouth and gave it a small lick. I felt my knees jerk slightly, and I put my fork down to give her my full attention. She fit her mouth around the banger and bit a little off the top. I grunted, my mouth swinging open like a trap door and staying in the shape of an "O". All I could think about was the way my dick had felt whilst it was in Granger's mouth last Friday night. I couldn't forget her face as she worked it, the way it had bumped against her teeth and her cheek. I grunted and discreetly placed a napkin in my lap just in case.

"Alright, Malfoy?" Millicent wheezed.

"Al-alright," I swallowed, keeping focus on Granger, who was in the process of fitting half the banger into her mouth, her cheeks puffing out. I imagined her lightly licking my cock, gripping my bare legs with her short nails.

Pansy snorted. "Draco, you're positively gawking..." She trailed off, following my gaze. "Oh, for the sake of Lord Voldemort. Draco. Draco. STOP!"

"I know I'm addicted. But let me be. I need this. I need something to think about tonight beyond my pathetic existence," I murmured.

Granger closed her eyes, enjoying the large sausage as she smacked her lips and put it back in her mouth. I squirmed in my seat.

"Draco," Pansy said. "Yoo-hoo, Draaco."

"Honestly, Pans, I told you to-" I turned around, glaring vehemently, ready to give her hell for ruining my fantasizing when I stopped talking abruptly and instead stared at her.

Pansy had grabbed herself a banger and, holding it in her fist, she began to work it in and out of her heavily lipsticked mouth. Her eyebrows were raised and she watched me with a careful expression.

"Don't make fun of me," I sputtered. But the look Pansy was giving me was not mocking or derisive. Her wide, blue eyes were innocent and pleading as the sausage went in and out of her mouth almost effortlessly. Painstakingly, I threw another glance at Granger, but she'd moved onto mashers, completely immersed in her book and not noting that I was even alive. I looked back at Pansy.

Pansy was most definitely aware that I was alive. She held eye contact with me and let the banger pull out of her mouth lazily. "I'm not making fun," she said softly, blinking her long, black eyelashes and smiling.

"Pansy, the fuck. This isn't funny!" I looked back at Granger and felt as though I'd been dropped in ice water. Cormac McFaggen had dropped in by her side and draped a loose arm around her shoulder, pointing at whatever she was reading.

"Draco, I'm not joking this time," Pansy said quietly, and rolled her tongue around on the tip of the link.

Blaise looked up from his plate. "What in the name of Rowena Ravenclaw's lost diaphragm are you doing, Pansy? Are you trying to make me heave?"

"As I recall, you quite enjoyed my skills, Blaise," Pansy smiled, and wiped her mouth daintily before sucking on it again. "And Draco, you and I haven't played for far too long."

I inadvertently licked my lips. "But I thought I was too moody for you—"

"When you shut your mouth, you're pretty," Pansy said softly. It was the nicest thing she'd said to me in years. I smiled.

"Draco, you're so fucking easy," Blaise said with a snort. "What happened to ignoring Pansy for the rest of your life? I thought that was your plan as of… when was it? Oh yes, last night."

Millicent sniggered. "Gee, Pansy, you show that banger who's boss!"

"Shut it, both of you," I said, my attention now torn between Granger and Pansy. "What do you mean, you're not joking?"

"Make a spectacle with me, Draco," Pansy said out of the corner of her mouth. "Let's see if we can't completely rattle the little Mudblood bitch to the core!" With that, she leaned over and kissed my ear. "And then she'll want you big time."

"Pansy, you smell like meat," I said, wrinkling my nose.

"Well, you reek of failure and jealousy," Pansy snapped, but took my hint and grabbed a dinner mint off the table.

I watched as Cormac nudged Granger playfully, making her smile and roll her eyes. Perhaps Pansy had a point. This was my chance to show Granger that I wasn't depending upon her to get my rocks off. Imagine her even thinking that! Ridiculous. "If you're completely sure," I whispered.

"As usual, just follow my lead," Pansy said, her pouty lips breaking into a devilish smirk. She placed her hand in my lap, and I lurched forward, surprised by just how sensitive I was. Pansy traced the front of my trousers with a long nail, and planted her lips on my neck. Thankfully, her breath now smelled fresh and sweet. The napkin fluttered to the floor.

"Gods, Pansy," I groaned, "is this really necessary-ungh-"

"Granger's not an idiot," she responded in a hushed tone. "She'd be able to spot a fake. So play along!" With that, Pansy continued to grope my trouser front and used her other hand to push my bangs out of my face. "Kiss me, Draco Malfoy," she commanded.

Despite myself, I leaned my head back and grinned. I kept my eyes on Granger, who still hadn't looked up from her precious McLaggen. "Kiss me here more first," I said, gesturing to my neck.

"You asked for it," she purred, and smooched my neck quickly, using her tongue and teeth as she worked her face into the sensitive place between my ear and collarbone.

My knees buckled and I felt myself going hard instantly.

"Erm. Malfoy? Could you pass the pudding?" Goyle asked.

As I leant over to hand Goyle the bowl, Pansy breathed hard on my neck and slipped her hand inside my trousers. I lurched a bit, and the pudding spilled all over the table. I moaned in pleasure and surprise- Pansy was better at this than I remembered. Of course, she had been with at least a thousand other blokes since last fall. Tracey protested loudly and Crabbe cussed, but Goyle seemed unaffected, spooning what had fallen onto his plate. I grabbed Pansy around the small of her back and brought my lips to hers, biting her lower lip.

"Draco," she said in a high voice. "Oh..." She began to massage my hardening member with her small, perfectly manicured hand.

I looked over to the Gryffindor table. Sure enough, quite a few people were looking. And Granger was one of them. Her thick brows were slightly raised, and she shook her head slowly before laughing in the direction of McLaggen. He laughed, too. I wanted to shout at the two of them, but then... then Pansy used the small dribble of pre-come that had dripped out of my member to lubricate the tip. I nearly bit off my own tongue, electricity sparking throughout my body.

Astoria, who was seated next to me, knelt under the table. "Malfoy, you've dropped your napkin-AAAAAAGHHHH!" She let out a god-awful shriek and sprang ten feet in the air. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

If anyone had missed the display before now, they certainly were tuned in. Potter and Weasley wore equally horrified expressions. Cho Chang paused in the aisle behind Gryffindor's dining table to stare, a slow smile curling on her lips. Blaise made retching noises.

"Honestly, one just can't snog in peace anymore," commented Pansy innocently, moving closer to me so that she was nearly in my lap. She grinned and pressed her mouth to my ear: "Truthfully, I wasn't actually trying to really get into it, but I..."

"But, you are into it," I finished for her loudly, sneering into her lips. "You are, aren't you? You utter slag. I should punish you." I threw another glance at the Gryffindor table. Granger was staring right at me. I waved at her.

"Oh, Draco... I love, love, love when you talk like that," Pansy drawled, and ran her hand through my hair.

People were getting up from the Slytherin table, muttering tons of excuses ("homework", and "need to throw up" being the two reasons I heard distinctly).

"How much do you love it?" I worked my hand under Pansy's skirt and inside her knickers. She moaned and rolled her hips toward my fingers. I jutted three in hard and fast. "Oh, shit, Pans... I can feel you love it a whole lot. Yikes."

"Draco Malfoyyy," she whined in a soft way. "Draco, Draco!"

I hummed out a moan, pulling my hand out of her pants. Bugger it all. I'd forgotten how Pansy used to call out my name: clear as a bell, subordinate and like the little bitch she truly was deep down. Just the sound of her dutiful cry brought me back to the days of playing Healer, the days of exploring her parents' study for sex how-to books, the days where we would practise snogging for hours on my bed. Yes, I hated her as much as always but if I could have off with her it would surely do the trick, both to make Granger jealous and to put me back in power!

Another brilliant plan made up by yours truly, the smartest and hottest student at Hogwarts.

I gave the Gryffindor table another look-over. "Are we really doing this again, Pansy?" I whispered. "I mean… there's no going back from here—"

"I'm really wet, so if we don't I'll kick you in the balls," she asserted, her eyelids fluttering open as she became her brazen self again.

"I'm going to shag you so hard, you're going to follow me around begging to go steady with me," I said in a low voice, "and you know what I'll say?" I paused for effect. "Absolutely not. I'll say, get away from me, bitch, I've got better things to do-"

Pansy smiled meanly. "Oh will you? Well, I'll give you the best orgasm of your life, so good you'll be at my beck and call, Draco. I'll be able to get you to do everything for me, like an obedient little boy, just like you used to-"

"Let's just see about that-"

-"You're on-"

"Okay," I said.

"Fine," she said.

I jumped out of my seat and tugged Pansy up by the hem of her skirt. She shrieked and giggled. "Follow me," I said deeply, taking her by the hand.

Blaise put his head in his hands. "Ugh, please don't tell me you two are at it again-"

"Fuck me, right?" Millicent said, looking worried. "Just when I thought they were actually going to hate each other in peace…Breeders."

We made certain to slowly pass by the Gryffindor table and I locked eyes with Mudblood Granger. She was wearing a look of obvious distaste, and she shook her head from side to side slowly. A grin spread over my face. I knew I'd done it.

Pansy sneered at Hermione and cupped my groin. I bit my lip, my eyes fluttering shut for a moment. "Have a nice night, Granger," Pansy said, wearing an evil smile.

"Oh, I plan to," said Hermione in a hollow, unaffected tone of voice. "You do the same, Parkinson."

Slightly worried, I gave Granger an unintentionally nervous smile. She smiled right back at me. Before I could attempt to decipher her expression, Pansy grasped me by the shirt and led me out of the Great Hall. Once we'd gotten into the corridor, she beamed at me. "Perfection, my dear. Did you see her face!?"

"I don't know," I said, "it seemed like she really didn't care-"

"Draco, you don't know anything about women. She was seething under that calm, geeky exterior of hers! Now, where are we off to?" she snapped.

Momentarily, I weighed out my life decisions. If fucking Pansy was going to make Granger jealous, I'd readily do it. I also very much wanted to get laid in general. But what if Granger didn't care? Would that make me care? Oh, holy snakes, was I attracted to Granger beyond wanting to fuck her tight little—pain spread through my foot, as Pansy had just trod on it. Hard.

"DRACO!" she barked. "This is exactly the kind of shit that put me off you in the first place! You're a brooding, analytical, obnoxious-"

Before she could go on, I grabbed her roughly by the waist, pressed myself to her and snogged her deeply on the lips. She kissed me back and tousled my hair.

"Let's go. I know just the place," I said. I threw one last look back at the Great Hall before grabbing Pansy by her skirt hemline and making a run for the Room of Hidden Things.

..

Pansy looked at me with a quizzical expression. "What the hell is this door?" she asked.

"This is where I've been up to my secret task," I explained. "The room becomes anything you like-"

"Oh," she cut me off. "So this is where you've been wanking off lately." Apparently satisfied, she strode ahead of me when I opened the door for her. Not caring to correct her for once, I followed. Instantly, the room morphed before our eyes and we both let out stunned laughter.

We were looking at an exact replica of Pansy's bedroom in her family's Wiltshire summer home. It was a pale purple, with an enormous round bed, covered in satin pink sheets. Big picture windows let in bright light, bringing me back instantly to the summers we used to spend together. Fluffy stuffed unicorn toys were tossed all over the bed, and school books lined the shelves. It was a bit eerie to be back here.

Pansy wiggled her eyebrows at me, her token imitation of my most frequent expression (next to smirking, of course). "Lovely. I always wanted to have you right under my Daddy's nose-"

"You're a nutcase! Like I'd dare. He'd skin me alive and add me to his oddity collection-"

"Well! Now we can pretend!" She dove into my arms, throwing me off balance as she wrapped her legs around my back. We fell to her bed amidst the toys and ruffle-covered blankets, and she tore my shirt from my body, kissing my neck as though she were about to devour me alive.

"Pansy,"I panted. "How do you want me?"

"Sit on the bed," she commanded loudly, tugging my trousers and briefs over my erection, "and spread your legs." I complied instantly, and hastily began to wank myself off.

She stood in front of me and slowly tugged her tiny cardigan over her big tits. I watched her unhook her bra and toss it carelessly aside. She wiggled out of her skirt and I smacked my free hand on her bedspread.

"Damn it, Pansy, are you competing for the slowest ever un-dresser or what?" I whined.

"Don't take that tone. Theo NEVER whines at me. In fact, when we've shagged, he's very nice and quiet—"

"Yes, yes, and he puts his dick in between your toes, he brags about it all the time—so is that the way you like it now? All quiet and foot fetish-y?" I taunted.

"No!" Pansy protested, swatting my forehead lightly with the palm of her hand. "He's the least objectionable of boys at the moment—"

"My, you have gotten picky," I scoffed.

Pansy knelt between my knees and smirked. "Shagging you taught me I should be more careful about who I spread my legs for." She encased my shaft with the palm of her hand and I moaned, leaning back and staring at the ceiling. "Obviously, I'm not good at learning my lesson." She slid me into her mouth all at once, using an in-and-out motion that was so energetic that I bumped against her throat over and over.

"Holy—aah," I cried out, grabbing onto Pansy's short black hair. She moaned, staring me straight in the face, her speed quickening. All I could think about was how much better it had been when the Mudblood had done it, and I couldn't focus. I couldn't even pretend it was Granger because the sensation was so terrible. "Pansy—Pansy—PANSY!"

She spat out my dick, glaring. "WHAT?"

"It's not going to work. That's too much, way too much. I'm a man, not an ice lolly."

"More teeth? Less teeth? More tongue?" she asked.

"None of that," I said, shaking my head. "I just want you, give me you."

"Very well," she said with a saucy look, standing up once more, her big tits jiggling. "Take off my pants the way you did with Chang."

"You're barking," I said, grinning and took my willy in my hands again. "Touch yourself through them first."

Pansy smiled and closed her eyes, doing just as I said. She pressed her hand between her legs and moaned softly, moving her palm between the line in her panties rapidly. As soon as her moans turned into breathless pants for air, I took her by the waist and grabbed her pants with my mouth. She broke into breathy giggles. "Draco," she said. "I want you to slam it in me so hard—"

"Like you have a choice." I tore the pants from around her waist with my teeth, and drug them down her legs as I crouched on the floor by the bed, holding her legs. I pressed one finger to her clit and Pansy shrieked with enthusiastic pleasure. Once her pants were on the floor I massaged her clit quickly before sticking in my pointer finger. I dropped back on the bed. "Sit on my lap as hard as you can," I instructed her quickly, "Face the wall—"

Immediately, she brought her arse down on my legs, fitting my shaft inside her twat. "SALAZAR," she squealed as I gripped her hips and used the bed to bounce my cock inside her. I bit her hard on the back and she moved herself back and forth on top of me. It felt amazing to be inside her, but my mind kept going back to Granger. Still, I shut my eyes and focused on fucking my oldest and dearest friend.

"Lean over the bed," I heaved, leaning my head against her back as she bounced up and down in my lap, eliciting loud squelching noises. "Do it—"

She pulled off me and posed against the bed, her huge, firm arse up in the air. I slapped it solidly before spreading her lips with my fingers and sticking it in hard. "Oh, Draco!" she screamed as I thrust into her with absolutely no mercy. "Harder, Draco!"

"The hell! How much harder do you think I can go?"

"Don't be a little wimp!" she snapped. "Harder!"

I bent over her back, my sweaty bangs falling in front of my eyes as I slammed it in and pulled it out. I wrapped my arm around her chubby torso and tweaked her nipples, then trailed her stomach to her clit and massaged it deeply.

"I don't want to come yet, Draco!" she said sharply, throwing a nasty look back at me.

"Yes, dear," I muttered, and I was horrified that I thought again of Granger. Luckily, Pansy was loud enough to distract me.

"On the bed!" she said in a loud wail. "I want to see your face—"

"Like I want to see yours," I jeered, but pulled out as she climbed onto the bed and lay on her back, looking up at me languidly, her normally pristine hair all mussed up.

"You're such a mean berk," she said, and leaned up to bite my nipple.

"Oh Gods," I moaned as I entered her again. "You're a horrid slut, so I guess we're a right pair—"

She flung her arms around my neck and kissed me deeply as I thrust into her slowly. We moaned in unison for a few minutes and I was able to lose myself in how good it felt.

"So, who's your best shag now, Draco?" asked Pansy in her shrill voice, ruining the moment.

"Still Granger," I said, without missing a beat, "but you'll do for now."

Pansy glared up at me and slammed herself up, filling herself with my cock. "Well, you never asked me my best shag—"

"Clearly, I don't care," I grinned at her, using the bed frame to support myself as I pounded her. I didn't need to ask. I knew it was me, despite what Pansy was going to tell me.

"You're impossible!"

"You just said I'm a mean berk and now you're getting all sulky because I'm being…well…a mean berk," I said with a cold laugh.

Pansy gave me a fierce look. "Fuck you," she said.

"No, because I'm too busy fucking you," I grinned, enjoying myself thoroughly. Maybe one day when I was older and had responsibilities, I could have sex with someone without telling them I hated them or making them upset—but that's what being young is for, right!?

She stopped thrusting me back and pouted.

"Oh Salazar, Pans. Get over it, please," I cooed into her neck, and slowly pulled out. I trailed her chest and stomach, kissing her lightly. I heard her give a moan of approval above my head. I moved downward and bit her inner thigh. She sighed in delight as I wedged my head between her voluptuous thighs and started to eat her out. This was one pastime we could agree upon, mostly because I'm goddamn amazing at it—no thanks to her.

Still, even when we were fighting (which was always), Pansy had sung my praises far and wide when it came to oral sex. That was partially why I'd gotten to eat out that hot Ravenclaw last year—she'd complained to Pansy in study hall she'd never been properly gone down on, and Pansy had pointed me her way. And Pansy's the one who'd told me to ask Tracey out, as Tracey had secretly found me very mysterious and alluring. As terrible as she was at fellatio, Tracey was quite an attractive girl. Her dark, even skin made her extravagant green eyes pop, and she was in possession of fantastic tits and a nice arse. And of course, Pansy had gotten me laid with Granger.

Looking back on it, my sexual exploits were largely due to Pansy's habit of bragging and making bets with people. She'd come through for me, wicked brat or not, and so maybe I should actually get her a thoughtful Christmas present this year, instead of the gag gifts I normally bought for her.

"Draco, why aren't you focusing?" Pansy snapped.

"I was thinking about what gift I'm going to buy you," I said. "I think you've actually earned it."

"Oooooh, yay! You can keep thinking about that, then! I want the mink stole from Coven's, but I also really, really want that locket that's got the blood of seven virgins in it—"

"Like you'd know shit about virgins," I replied, and hungrily licked her slit.

"Shut up!" she squealed, and moaned, kicking her legs. "You'd better spend at least two hundred Galleons on me this year—"

"You're worth fifty tops, Pans, don't overestimate yourself." Before she could shriek at me, I sucked her clit off, amazed at how easy it was to recall exactly what moves made her breathing go faster and what made her toes curl. Once I got her panting in a squeaky tone of voice, I crammed three fingers inside her and continued to suck her clit, enjoying every second of it. Pansy squealed and shrieked. I took out fingers and instead rammed my face deeper into her, my long nose pressed into her, my tongue stabbing inside her hole forcefully.

"Draco, Draco, Draco—I'm about ready to come! Stick two fingers into my pink unicorn and suck her horn!" she screamed, and I complied, putting fingers in and surrounding her large clit with my mouth.

Pansy's legs wiggled and she gave a loud, long wailing sound of intense happiness. "Yessssssss!" she screeched, grabbing my bangs, and then pulled herself upwards. She took my head from between her legs and forced me on my back. "Now you. I'm going to make your white snake moan."

I grunted as she mounted me, her big boobs bouncing. I put my hands behind my head and moaned loudly, imagining boffing Granger again. "Oh, yeah," I sputtered, feeling myself getting there.

"Come for me, Draco," she shouted, and leant over me, her tits in my face.

"I'm going to come, Pansy! I'M COMING! I'M COMING!" I screamed, digging my hands into the pillows and releasing inside her with a sputtering gasp for air. "Whew. Salazar," I said, shaking my head. "Alright, it's over. Get off."

She patted my bangs and leaned over me to kiss me, but as she was doing so I put my head between her boobs and motor-boated her. She screeched and shoved me, pulling herself off my dick and flopping next to me on the bed. "You piece of shit. You know I hate, hate, hate that," she declared.

I laughed at her before closing my eyes and giving a sigh. At least I'd gotten laid, but I still was thinking of shagging Granger. I was nodding off when Pansy elbowed me in the face.

"Cigarette?" she offered, shoving a pack of French fags at me. "This room is marvelous. It really does supply everything you need." She pulled one from the pack and I did the same, lighting them up for us both.

Pansy nestled into the crook of my arm as we took drags, and we were silent for a few minutes before she said, "So…that was…interesting."

I cocked my eyebrow at her. "Interesting as in bad?"

"Not bad but…" She trailed off.

"Not exactly right," I finished.

"Yes," Pansy nodded, exhaling. "It's like… shagging my obnoxious, moody little brother." She pinched my cheek.

"Merlin, you're disgusting," I said, making a face. "But I know what you mean and I definitely am in agreement on this one. I think it's really best for us to continue despising each other."

Pansy grinned. "Best frenemies forever?"

"You're on." We shook hands, and she rested her head on my shoulder.

"Except, I've got an idea. Let's make a new pact. If we're not married by age forty-five, we marry each other," Pansy said.

I glared at her. "That's insulting—"

"No, think about it. We can live in a mansion and shag whoever we want and drink together and complain about all the other people we're shagging. It would be the best marriage ever."

"I suppose there are worse things," I smirked. "But Salazar help me if I'm still single by then—"

"Oh, Draco. I'm kidding," Pansy said. "I'd never marry someone who shags Mudbloods. It's revolting. You're damaged goods now, my love."

I grinned and shoved her out of the bed. As soon as she managed to get up, she punched me in the dick. It hurt so much I cried but at least I knew nothing was awkward between us.

All I had to worry about was the very unsettling fact that I was becoming a bit too engrossed in thoughts of shagging Hermione Granger again.

A/N: Okay. So you made it this far. You should review even if you're going to tell me off for soiling your mind! Believe me, this encounter is only going to make Draco long for Granger more. And it'll be worth it, because the next chapters are going to be filled to the brim with Dramione kink.