Xenosaga: Gottlicher Eingriff

Chapter Fourteen: Identity Crisis

It was an exhausted, battered and bruised Canaan and Jin that returned to Representative Helmer's office. Their clothing was torn, a few of Jin's cuts still had dried blood around them, and their demeanors were downcast.

"What the hell – are you alright?" he asked, startled by their appearance.

"Our injuries were attended to briefly, but a more thorough treatment will be required after our report," Canaan said. "This is too important to wait for."

"Oh?" questioned Helmer. "What were you able to discover?"

"As you suspected, Margulis was running some sort of operation there, although I doubt they're going to stay much longer. We caused quite an explosion with our escape."

"Yes, I had heard something to that effect on the news last night," Helmer admitted. "I was afraid that it boded poorly for you, however, so I am relieved to see the two of you alive. What else happened?"

"We found out what they're doing there, and I don't like it at all," Canaan said bluntly. Helmer raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. "You see, they were using the base to manufacture Realians."

"There's nothing odd about that," Helmer said.

"Ah, but you haven't heard the worse part yet," Jin said. "They're Realians that are melded with Gnosis."

---

"I wish I knew exactly what was going on," Shion murmured. "Now there's all this talk of a virus inside of MOMO from an unknown source – Albedo – and she willingly placed herself under house arrest?"

"That doesn't seem out of character for her," Allen said politely. "She always cares about other people's wellbeing, especially Jr."

"I know that, Allen, but this whole thing bothers me. And if I'm annoyed about it, imagine how MOMO must feel about what she did, even unknowingly. Then there's the fact that she and Jr. have been so distant toward each other recently – "

"But there's nothing we can do, Shion," he said firmly. "It's out of our hands right now. Jr. knows that MOMO would never do it purposefully, even if she has been avoiding him. If he didn't he wouldn't have met with her alone after we left, would he?"

"You're right," Shion said. "I didn't realize you were quite so insightful, otherwise I'd have started talking to you about these kinds of things a long time ago."

Allen blushed lightly, but didn't say anything.

"Oh, all of this sitting around is leaving me nothing left to do but worry," Shion mumbled, resting her head in her hands.

Looking back on it Allen would never be able to identify what exactly it was that prompted him to speak up, but to his mental horror his own voice emitted from his larynx with a casual suggestion.

"Would you like to go to dinner?"

---

True to his word Gaignun returned to see MOMO the next morning, rested and ready with good news. MOMO, on the other hand, had spent a restless night trying to puzzle out the meaning of his parting words.

It wasn't possible for Gaignun to know about the odd mindlink she had, was it? No, of course it couldn't be…although it would explain his parting words. But how would he find out if she didn't tell anyone? Unless he too could hear her the way she heard Jr., unless this link worked in multiple directions.

Over and over and over again, a broken record in her mind the thoughts chased each other throughout the night.

When the soft knock came to her door she blearily opened her eyes.

"Uh?" she called out, unable to form a coherent sentence.

"MOMO? It's Gaignun. May I come in a moment?"

"Sure, just give me a minute please," she called back, and then threw back her covers. In record time she was out of her nightgown and into her day clothes. Smoothing down the front of her rumpled shirt she made her way to the door, and called through to him.

"Ready."

With a whoosh the door opened, and in stepped the head of the Kukai Foundation. He looked around the room a moment before his dark eyes came to rest on her.

"I see you're getting along well," he commented, moving further into the room, MOMO following a few paces behind him.

"Everything is very nice, much nicer than I expected. Thank you again."

"It's nothing. No one considers you an enemy, MOMO. I just want to make sure that you know that. We all want to make sure you know that."

"I do realize that, but I still consider myself an enemy."

He smiled a small, genuine smile. "I know exactly what you mean."

No one ever spoke of the events that had occurred immediately after the giant Gnosis had appeared, but it was still in the back of their minds. Gaignun's possession and the following, near fatal exorcism. They had worked everything out in the end, but it had been close – too close.

"But that subject is too dreary for what I have to say. Jr. has been making an excellent recovery, and he has returned to his regular schedule without any undue stress."

"That's wonderful! Please, tell him I'm so happy."

"Tell him yourself. He said he wanted to see you later today, whenever you have time available."

Her eyes widened, and she stepped backward, flailing her arms in protest. "No, no, no, no, no…"

"Now, before you even finished that sentence, you should realize that he will be very upset if you refuse to see him. I know you don't want to make him feel that way, do you?"

It was a rhetorical question.

"I'll tell him to drop by sometime after your dinner. That should give you time to collect yourself, shouldn't it?"

She nodded mutely.

"Good day then."

"Goodbye, Gaignun."

He turned to leave, but MOMO suddenly reached out her hand and grabbed his sleeve. He looked at her from the depths of his unreadable eyes, and she looked back at him. She was nervous, but this was something she needed to ask, needed to hear.

"How do you live with it?" she asked, her voice so quiet she wasn't even sure he could hear her. "How do you keep going from day to day? I keep trying and trying to remind myself I didn't mean to, I didn't want to, but that doesn't change the fact that I did it. So how did you live with your guilt? How did you keep moving to the future instead of standing in the past?"

Gaignun looked at her a moment, not with confusion or annoyance or even pity, but with understanding, and MOMO suddenly didn't feel as ridiculous for her question.

"The same way everyone else does, MOMO," he said quietly, gently. "One step at a time."

---

"What?" Shion asked, not entirely sure she'd heard him correctly. From the look on Allen's face he wasn't even sure he'd heard correctly. He covered it well, though.

"I mean, it would be something to do…and dinnertime is almost here…and well, I mean, we've been getting along so well recently, and…well…"

She was utterly speechless. From what she knew of Allen it just didn't fit his style to be so bold. But it wasn't exactly a bad thing, either.

"I'd like it if you said yes," he added hopefully in a small voice, and with that he was back to being the Allen that she'd worked with for so long.

"Allen, I'd love to," she said brightly, standing up. "Where shall we go?"

---

"Might I have a moment of your time, chaos?" asked a curious voice from behind him, breaking into his thoughts as he sat at a booth within the Iron Man, eating a sandwich. He turned and was slightly surprised to find that KOS-MOS was standing there. Despite the formal phrasing chaos knew he'd heard a hint of confusion, and therefore emotion, in her voice.

"Anytime, KOS-MOS," he said, and gestured to the seat across from his. She accepted it without hesitation, so different from the confused android that had appeared at his quarters on the Dammerung all those weeks ago. "What's on your mind?"

She didn't answer right away, instead choosing to fiddle with the saltshaker that had been sitting on the brown plastic table before her. It must have held some deeper meaning, because her red eyes followed it with interest.

Much as he followed her movements with interest, trying to interpret the deeper meaning in those. She was certainly freer than she had been, no doubt because she had already be summoned by Gabriel once. And that didn't bode well at all. Something was certainly happening, and it had something to do with the attack on Jr., he was sure of it… Replacing the saltshaker, KOS-MOS looked back up at him.

"I do not entirely know," she admitted. "Ever since my final mission from Vector, things have been happening that I am not entirely sure of. Such as now. I think…no, I believe that I am starting to feel." She said the word with a reverence that chaos could not appreciate fully. "When I heard what had happened to Jr. my circuits began to misfire, leaving me disoriented without direction."

"Why do you sound almost worried?" he asked softly.

"Because it is not right," she insisted. "I am an android that has been built to function on logic, and the scientific data that my sensors gather. If I no longer function on data, but on the fanciful whims of these…feelings…then what am I?"

"Oh," he said suddenly, as the pieces fell together in his head. "You mean that everything you used to define yourself is gone, and you have no idea where that leaves you?"

"Yes, that was well put," KOS-MOS acknowledged. "I have lost a sense of KOS-MOS' definition, and therefore I have lost myself as well. I knew that you would be able to understand this. Logically I should not have, because there is no precedent of such an incident, but I knew."

"I suppose it's based a little on experience," he said. "You remember when I told you all about where I come from, right?"

"Of course. You come from a higher plane of existence to be a mediator between the factions of your own race."

"Yes, but before that we were all one entire group watching over the human race, guarding against the Gnosis threat that had come from our own plane. Part of our penance, in a way, although the lesser ones still managed to come to Lost Jerusalem. But they were never anything more than a ghostly image glimpsed in the dead of night.

"The point of my story was that before humanity became practitioners of the sciences they were people who believed in us and the Gnosis, and begged us to watch over them and protect them. But as the years went on, and as they began to have a toddler's grasp on the world around them, they lost interest in us.

"And here was my problem. I was always seen as their protector, a guardian against the Gnosis – or ghosts, as they were called – and now I wasn't asked to do that anymore."

"What did you do?" KOS-MOS asked.

"It was hard, but I had to reevaluate myself and what I wanted out of life. They can take away your identity, KOS-MOS, but they can't take away your innermost self. And I found that what I can do is still help the people who rely on me, and to make sure that what I do doesn't harm people. I found something just as worthy, you see."

"So you are saying that I need a goal." She said it in a cold, hard, logical voice, and chaos immediately corrected her. These things weren't just about data points or getting from A to B.

"Well, not only that. You can't live life goal to goal. What you need is to look at yourself, and your experiences, and decided what kind of person you want to be remembered as. You need something that defines you, some infallible logic that will always be the core of your actions and words."

"I need a soul," KOS-MOS said suddenly, looking back at the saltshaker. "But those are for the living; I am not alive."

"The definition of alive isn't based purely on the ability to bleed when you get cut. Its more like you are conscious, and aware, and you make the most of what you have. There can be a soul in any conscious thing, KOS-MOS. And that includes you."

She pondered that awhile longer, and chaos took the opportunity to ponder her. She had come a long way in such a short amount of time. He knew she had what it took to complete her true final mission – the question was, did she have what it took to survive? To do that, she would need a sense of herself and her place.

"Will you help me?" she questioned suddenly, and chaos looked at her in confusion.

"I'm sorry. What?"

"Will you help me? I realize that I need to figure part of this out on my own. But you must be able to show me the right direction," KOS-MOS reasoned.

"KOS-MOS, this is going to take a lot of searching, and most of it will take place within yourself. I cannot do that."

She looked at him a moment, and then frowned at him, her eyes slightly narrowed. chaos, completely taken aback by the expression, stared at her.

"What…?" he tried, but words failed him.

"Allen told me this face is for expressing annoyance to someone. I am annoyed with you. Therefore, to express my annoyance, I make this face."

He tried to stop himself, he really did. But it was just so funny, and her voice when she explained herself – like an exasperated teacher speaking to a petulant child – was just too wonderful. He started to laugh quietly.

"There is no reason for your humor, unless I have made a mistake."

"No, no, it's not that. Your face was correct…I just found it amusing to come from you."

"Why?"

"Because when people do things that are unexpected, they generally tend to be amusing."

"Hmm." She pondered that a moment, adding it to what she still no doubt called her database – although she would eventually call it her mind and memories. "Perhaps I should include these facial expressions into my new self so that my annoyance can be conveyed correctly next time."

"Don't worry about it, KOS-MOS. I did feel some annoyance coming from you," he added, in an attempt to cheer her up.

"Has your mirth improved your answer?" she demanded, refusing to be sidetracked from her original query, and he smiled at her.

"You know, KOS-MOS, I rather think it has."

---

Twenty minutes later found Allen and Shion in the Iron Man at a small table, much to his unending surprise. Shion was looking at her menu, but he was finding it hard to concentrate. In all his days he'd never expected to be on an almost-date with her of all people. Then again, until recently he'd never imagined calling her anything other than Chief, so perhaps it wasn't too surprising.

"Thanks for asking me to come with you, Allen," Shion said as she set her menu aside. "It's really nice to get out like this and just get your mind off of things for a while. I feel like it has been forever since I was able to do this."

"You're welcome, anytime." What else was there to say?

"…" Shion went back to her menu, but her eyes didn't move. Unable to stand the silence, Allen decided it was his turn to try and say something.

"So, have you eaten here often? I've only been here once."

"Oh yes. It has some of the best food here, and all of it is so diverse. You don't really see too many places that can create different varieties of food that actually taste good. Mostly they either specialize in one food, or it all tastes the same – bland."

"What I've had here before was anything but bland," he said. "I had a great cheeseburger here the other day."

"Is that what you're getting now?" Shion asked.

"Oh, no, not at all! I'm going for something a little more dinner-like," Allen said quickly. After all these years he wasn't going to be too casual about this.

"Then what will you get? I'm thinking curry myself."

"I don't know yet. There are so many good choices!"

In reality he hadn't heard of half of these foods, just standards like cheeseburgers and chili, but those weren't impressive enough for him to order in front of Shion. No, he needed to pick something that sounded impressive, but not too scary.

When the waitress came ten minutes later Allen still hadn't decided on something to eat. With Bonnie glaring at him, stylus poised expectantly over the sensor screen in her hand, Allen looked down at the screen with the intention of ordering the first thing he found.

"Er, just some of this chicken vindaloo with a glass of water, please," he said. Chicken always tasted good. Bonnie merely huffed and scribbled down the order before stalking away, her pink dress swishing along with her movements. Shion, on the other hand, was looking at him with surprise on her face. "What?"

"N-nothing, really… I was just surprised that you ordered a dish like that," she admitted. Allen frowned.

"What's wrong with it?"

"Well, there's nothing wrong with it, really. It's just something that I've always heard was really, really spicy."

Allen looked back down at the electronic screen before him, trying to keep the horror and panic off his face. Sure enough, next to the title of the dish, mocking him openly, were two small little bright red peppers – indicators of extra spicy foods.

'Oh no.'

And this was it. His first 'date' with Shion, and he was going to blow the whole thing by trying to eat enough of some spicy food to make it look like he had enjoyed it, and with nothing but a glass of water.

He was a goner.

---

Jr. stood in front of her door, feeling awkward and out of place. This was the first chance he'd had to talk to her properly since his coma and resulting bizarre dream. During the long hours spent recovering he had thought long and hard about himself, about what he wanted to do and what he needed to do.

Sometime well into the third hour of this inner reflection he'd realized that he wasn't going to quite feel better until he resolved his dilemma with MOMO and the sudden gap between them.

At around hour five he'd recognized that there was still the issue of his own promises, but at five and a half he'd made that null and voice when he decided that at during her abduction to the Song of Nephilim when he would have willing died for her, instead of just watching over her like Sakura said, was when it hadn't been just a promise any more.

Now here he was, knocking on her door. Her footsteps neared, and he quickly removed the confusion and frustration from his face as the door whooshed open. Her head peeked out, pink strands flying from the sudden movement as her golden eyes processed him silently.

"Err, hey."

"Hello, Jr. Gaignun said you were feeling better."

"Yeah, I am."

There was silence as he watched her, and she watched him.

"He also said you wanted to talk to me…?" she prompted, and he nodded enthusiastically.

"Yeah, I do. Can I come in please?"

"Perhaps you'd better not," she said hesitantly. "I don't want to hurt you again."

"MOMO, what I want to say is just for you to hear. Besides, what going to happen to me? Nothing," he answered before she could even open her mouth. Without waiting for further argument he walked inside, and flopped down on the couch she had.

"You know, there are a lot of crewmen who envy you getting your own room like this. They're even considering their own 'temporary insanity' just to get one." She didn't even smile, just stood near the door wringing her hands, and he frowned at her. "C'mon, MOMO, I'm trying here. But you need to help too."

"What are you doing here, Jr.?" she asked quietly, settling herself on a chair across the room from him, her hands folded in front of her and her back stiff and straight. "I don't understand it. I almost killed you. So what are you doing here?"

"Isn't it obvious?" he asked, looking at her curiously. She didn't respond. "I wanted to see you." He pointed at her for emphasis.

"I see." Her tone implied that she, in fact, did not.

"C'mon, MOMO, I've been worried about you. First you ignore me, then you're worried about me, and then you ignore me again – I just don't get it. Can't you tell me what's wrong? Was it something I did, or said?" He jumped up, and started to pace around her room. It was a decent size, but some how now that he was worked up it seemed too small.

"No, not at all. Its all been my fault," she said.

"Whoa, back up a step. I'm not here to play the blame game. If I didn't offend you with some word or action, then everything is okay. Why don't you stop sulking in here, and maybe we can go out somewhere. I know you love the beach a lot," he added hopefully, stopping to look at her.

"I don't want to risk it. I'm sorry Jr. You keep trying so hard, but it isn't that simple anymore. I don't want to do something that I can't control." She looked at him, her golden eyes pleading with him.

"Okay, I'll take a rain check," he admitted grudgingly. "But we could do something here, right? With Ziggy standing guard, what could go wrong? Or he could come watch a movie with us or something!"

"But…but…" She still looked unsure. He walked around in front of her, and knelt down to look right into her eyes, his hands reached out to clasp hers, trying to convey his sincerity.

"MOMO, it'll be okay. Really it will, you'll see. And then things will go back exactly the way they were. Well, maybe not exactly… but pretty damn close. I'll do whatever it takes to make sure that happens. You have to believe me on this."

She silently extricated her hands from his, and for a moment he thought he'd failed again. But then she reached out, and gently pressed one pale hand to his cheek, and smiled ever so slightly.

"I do."

---

"Why, isn't that Allen and Shion over there?" asked chaos, leaning to the side to look at something behind KOS-MOS. She turned curiously, and was surprised to find that Shion and Allen had indeed entered the establishment without her sensors alerting her. In fact, if she was to judge from their current state, they had been here for quite a while. This was getting to be most annoying.

"Affirmative," she responded flatly, and chaos turned his eyes to her.

"Hey, it's alright, KOS-MOS. This is the sort of thing most people have to live with."

"I don't want to be most people," KOS-MOS said. "I don't want to lose that part of me that is a fighter, chaos. I can reinvent a part of myself, but not the whole thing. I have to keep this part, I need to keep it."

"Don't worry about it so much, KOS-MOS," chaos said soothingly. "You won't have to. Some of your abilities may decrease over time, but you can make up for that with sheer determination, I know you can."

KOS-MOS continued to watch Shion and Allen a moment more, watching Bonnie leave their table and an expression of concealed dismay flicker across Allen's face as his head snapped down to the menu again. While he wasn't looking a shadow of a smile crossed Shion's face, so faint KOS-MOS wasn't entirely sure she saw it.

I don't have to watch over you anymore.

The thought jolted her mentally. That had been a main parameter of her mission – to protect Vector personnel, especially her creator Shion Uzuki. But that wasn't her focus, her requirement anymore. But she still wanted to, and it was her choice now.

But there was more she wanted to do as well.

Finally she turned back to chaos, who was still watching her. He stood up, placed some money on the table, and stepped out of the booth. He stood next to her, and extended his hand to her.

"Come on, KOS-MOS. You'll still be watching her, but you should live for yourself too. As a mother, your mother, she understands that someday you have to leave her, to learn how to live for yourself. Don't you want to make her proud?"

"I will," KOS-MOS said, standing. It was a statement of fact, and chaos smiled gently at her conviction.

"I know. We both know."