chapter fourteen: breathless
At home, drawing pictures of mountaintops
With him on top
Lemon yellow sun, arms raised in a V
The dead lay in pools of maroon below
"Jeremy" - Pearl Jam
Izumi jumps up and down until she gets very dizzy and collapses into her mother's arms.
"Take me to dad!" Izumi squeals and Mai's face somehow becomes even more sallow. Azula examines the situation, wondering if she should offer to take Izumi.
But, the creeping, more vindictive part of Azula reminds her, I faced Ty Lee and so Mai can face Zuko.
"Azula...?" Mai asks and the princess breathes in slowly.
"You can face Zuko. You can face a battalion of soldiers... I think you can manage your husband," Azula replies coldly and Mai grimaces. She hates it when Azula is right.
Mai says nothing, although Azula knows she agrees. She double checks Izumi's head, making sure she did not crack her skull open.
"You know," Mai says slowly. "It's probably not a good idea to go anywhere after Izumi collided with stone. I mean, what if she has some kind of head injury?"
Azula cocks an eyebrow. "You live two minutes away from the palace."
"Fu─Fine, Azula," Mai says and Azula snickers. "Come on Izumi; we'll go see your dad."
"You can meet Paddles!" Azusami says brightly, her eyes lighting up. "He still doesn't have a home or anything so he's just living in the bathtub."
"You have a turtleduck living in your bathtub?" Mai asks as she starts walking towards the door, trying to ignore the clicking of royal guards following her everywhere.
"Oh, I'm sorry, we renovated the palace's terrarium a few years ago," Azula replies sharply, seizing her daughter's wrist and tugging her ahead of Mai.
[X]
Zuko is beyond stunned to see Mai standing in front of him. He has seen Izumi more than once, which he is grateful for. But he has missed her... however, he feels as though she is not here to ask for him back, given the smoldering in her amber eyes.
"Our daughter has something to tell you," Mai says, releasing Izumi, who has been tugging against her like an animal on a leash.
"Watch!" Izumi shouts and Zuko barely has time to step back when she lights her hands on fire. "... I want my prize."
The Fire Lord cannot help but laugh at his daughter's first request... given that it is almost exactly what he said. He looks to Mai for permissions and she just shrugs, which makes him even more certain that she is nowhere near ready to forgive him.
It stuns him, somewhat, that Azula has been amiable ─ this being the woman who holds decade long grudges and does not believe in compassion ─ but Mai is still angry. It feels wrong.
"Alright, we'll go get your prize," Zuko says and then Izumi glances at Azusami and furrows his brow.
"First I want to make a home for Paddles," Izumi demands and Mai clenches her jaw and glares at Azula. "We can all go to the garden and get him mud and grass and other things."
Zuko swallows, and Izumi has no idea what an uncomfortable position she has put her parents in. But Mai gives up, and she, Azula, Zuko and two young girls go out to the courtyard.
Izumi picks up a handful of dirt, decides she does not like it and says, "Dad, will you get the rest for me?"
Zuko sighs. "Yes..."
It takes around three minutes for Zuko to realize that no one else is helping him do menial labor in order to build a turtleduck habitat. He looks up at Mai and Azula sitting on a stone bench carved into the shape of a dragon, and he stops lifting mud and grass.
"Are you serious?" Pause. "You are exactly the kind of people to exploit a man's kindness, and make him dig up his yard while sitting and watching. It is exactly like you making me carry you on your shoulders on Ember Island in the water, and I didn't say no. Because I want you to be happy. And you two think I'm a push-over, and not someone doing you both a favor."
"Also, you're muscular. Azula and I are good in a fight but our power is in our agility, not our raw strength. You're really good at carrying people and digging up dirt," Mai says with a palm turned up, as if it is so logical.
"Yes. I'm so good at digging up dirt. I am the ruler of a nation! I don't dig up dirt for you two!" Zuko exclaims, clenching his fists.
"It's not for us. It's for your child," Mai says with her eyes flashing in anger, leaning forward. Zuko looks at her, and then instantly regrets snapping.
Of course, after putting up with this for years, Zuko decides to protest at the moment it could win him back his estranged wife. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Mai is worth more than mud under his nails and work he considers degrading as Fire Lord.
"This is only for Izumi. Not you two," Zuko says sharply. He watches Azula's smirk out of the corner of his eye and decides he is not winning her heart back, and so he grabs the clump of mud he had on his hand and throws it directly at her.
She screams, so loudly that birds vacate the trees and Azusami and Izumi make faces of terror. There has rarely been something so satisfying to Zuko as the mud colliding with her face, nearly knocking her off of the bench.
Zuko just looks at her as she touches the mud covering her neck and chin.
"That was completely unwarranted," Azula says, spitting out mud and making a face of utter disgust.
"No, that's for making me pull you around as you blissfully floated in the ocean," Zuko replies before helping Azusami and Izumi with their Paddles project.
[X]
Izumi is extremely excited as she crouches by Azusami in front of the unused guest bathtub in the Western Wing of the palace as Zuko fills it with the dirt and other outdoor things he collected without more protest after his outburst.
Zuko finds it sexist, just as he found that, when they went to Ember Island, they would all make him carry them on his shoulders in the water. But he, as the man, dug up the dirt and carried the buckets of water and now he does enjoy how much fun his daughter is having sculpting it into a home for Paddles.
And he sincerely hopes his gesture of not continuing his tirade won him a few points with Mai. Also, kindness to animals is attractive to women, Zuko is certain, and definitely is not the kind of thing a lying cheater would do.
He pets Paddles gently and feeds him, hoping that it will be appealing.
There is a moment where he thinks he is better than this, and he has not done anything this degrading in over a decade as he matured into a dignified leader, and garnered the respect of the people who once ordered him around.
But Zuko has honestly not had to seduce a woman in longer than that. And it was never his strong suit.
"It's done," Azusami says, reaching for Paddles. Zuko gently hands her him and she sets him in his new home. "He likes it!"
"I'm going to take Izumi to get her prize. Do you want to come, 'sami?" Zuko asks and the girls nod. "Uh, after I clean the mud off of myself."
Azula and Mai are left alone as Azusami and Izumi seize Paddles and run off. The two women exchange a glance, Azula's mouth still tasting strongly of mud, and she can definitely feel it inside of her bra, despite managing to clean off her shirt.
"He only let us do that because he wants to woo you," Azula says coldly, looking into the mirror and reaching into her shirt. Mai finds it much harder to take her seriously while she is digging mud out from her cleavage.
"I know," Mai admits with a shrug. "How far do you think I can push him?"
"You know what? You are extremely lucky that he still even wants to be with you. The fact that he would lie down and take that proves it," Azula says softly and Mai's face has a small frown for a flicker of a second. "She doesn't even want to look at me."
"Don't guilt me into getting back with your brother," Mai says sharply. "I probably will. I mean, I'm kind of stuck with him, because I'm not abandoning Izumi and she's the heir to the throne. But I might as well make him work for it a little."
Azula just shrugs. "Well, yes, but he might just move on from you in the meantime. Zuko is not the desperate kid who you would probably beat up on the playground. He knows he's not worthless now."
Mai just averts her eyes.
[X]
Days after constructing Paddles's habitat and Izumi picking out her prize, Azula is on a chaise lounge, feeling as miserable as usual but not sure why. She does not know what hurts or why it hurts, but it does hurt. Someone walks in and Azula sits up in hopes it is Ty Lee, but it is her father, whom quickly turns to leave.
"Wait. Can I ask you something?" Azula interrupts and he breathes in slowly, looking as if he hoped sincerely to escape.
"Yes," he admits, turning around. His life was much easier when he had absolute control over these people. They were all much more pleasant to be around.
"What would you do if you found out I was Iroh's?" Azula inquires and Ozai is stunned for a moment before recalling the fact that Zuko knocked up Azula's wife.
"How old are you in this scenario?" he asks and Azula squints at him, confused.
"Why does that matter?" she demands sharply and he has to force himself not to simply leave.
"It depends on if I've gotten to like you or not. If I haven't, I would kill you, him and your mother. If I liked you, I'd probably just kill him and your mother," Ozai says and Azula stares at him for a moment.
"So it's possible for me to love this kid like it's my own?" Azula asks and Ozai cocks an eyebrow.
"That is not at all what I was saying. But if that's what makes you feel better and let me leave this room..." Ozai says and Azula lies back down, prompting him to escape.
Azula stares intently at the ceiling, and the scorch marks on it that no one bothered to paint over. Maybe she could love this kid ─ Uncle loved Zuko so dearly.
Then again, Azula struggles to love her own daughter that she gave birth to. The situation is frustrating and overcomplicated.
She knows she needs to talk about this to Ty Lee, but she is secretly afraid of her answer.
It likely will not be a pleasant one, given her constant anger of late.
Azula closes her eyes and tries to wish away the past two years. No, the past twelve years. Or maybe fifteen.
But it is fruitless.
[X]
Mai and Azula sit in the sunlight, sipping drinks and trying not to think about their horrific situations. They both notice that the other is unnerved and upset, but neither of them is willing to mention it. They do not think they have ever discussed their feelings, and neither of them intend to.
And then Mai sighs and gives in. "You're avoiding her, aren't you? That's why you're in my yard hiding."
"Maybe," is Azula's cautious answer. "I want to tell her that I'm willing to accept her child as my own, without any resentment."
"That's... surprisingly compassionate and uncharacteristic of you. What do you get out of the deal?" Mai says and Azula squints at the sky.
"Nothing," Azula admits begrudgingly and Mai looks at her in utter pity. "I've ruined this family enough already. I have to be the one to give in eventually."
Mai just rubs her lips. She feels incredibly uncomfortable with Azula talking so honestly about her desires to make amends. Despite all of her efforts at redemption and struggles of over a decade, Azula has always been as cold and detached as ever.
This is somewhat disturbing. Mai fumbles for words to say, and winds up, stating, "You know, twins tend to have twins when they get pregnant," and Azula's eyebrows shoot up in utter terror. "I probably shouldn't have said that..."
"No, no, it's okay," Azula sighs, rubbing her temples. "You only just made it twice as difficult to talk to her about this."
"I don't know what to say to you. Except that you are not the one in the wrong. She cheated on you and got pregnant. She's the unreasonable one in your relationship," Mai says calmly with a sigh and Azula turns over to stare at her, nearly sloshing her drink over her hand.
"Maybe you're right," Azula says slowly, although she is not quite sure. Mai's response would be the easiest and the one Azula is most familiar with. But... Azula just does not know at this point.
She is so confused and constantly internally panicking. But she cannot show it because she is Princess Azula the Conqueror and she has no remorse and no need for apologies. Yet still, she is completely haunted by something and she does not know what.
"I am right," Mai says, and they return to their evasion of Zuko and Ty Lee.
[X]
Azula looks at the ashes of what once was hers, that her father burned. They were traces of her mother, apparently, and Azula keeps her mouth shut about the fact that she knows just what happened. It does not bother her that she is not allowed to grieve, that she is supposed to be cold.
But Zuko, he crumbles so easily. Azula can hear him crying in the night and it makes her want to scream, but she gets up, eventually, and walks into his room.
"I know where some things are that he didn't get to," Azula whispers and Zuko squints at her.
"This is a trap. You're lying."
"Your choice," Azula says with a shrug, turning and leaving.
Zuko hesitates for a heartbeat and then follows her. They are not permitted to wander the palace at night, but everyone is so occupied with the shift in leadership that no one notices or is watching. Azula stops in the small library of the living quarters, a room that no one really goes in. It mostly holds records and military medals no one cares for anymore.
"Come on," Azula says, gesturing to Zuko and shutting the door behind him when he walks in, twisting the knob so that it makes no noise.
Azula pries open one of the many cabinets, all long deserted. But one is fresh, clean, no cobwebs inside or archaic belongings of their ancestors. She pulls out a box that is almost too heavy for her, gasping with the weight, and sets it down between she and Zuko.
He hesitates, stepping back as if there will be a spider-snake inside when Azula opens it. But when she pops open the top, it is filled with mementos. Small mementos of their youth.
"If you cry I will hurt you," Azula whispers and Zuko glares at her.
"I'm not going to cry," Zuko snarls as he reaches into the box and starts thumbing through it. "It's my blanket from when I was a baby."
He picks it up and Azula starts looking through the box too.
"Slingshot," Azula murmurs and Zuko looks at her, baffled.
"Why did mother save that?"
"She didn't. I hid it in here two years ago. If you see anything dangerous, just... let me know," Azula says softly, setting the slingshot aside. Zuko withdraws his hands from the box for a moment, now unsure what he will stumble across.
Azula comes across a stack of their drawings from old painting kits. The broken brushes, snapped from frustration or age, are also shoved in with them. Zuko grabs the stack, nearly giving Azula a papercut. His are usually unfinished, often covered in doodles on the sides. He hides one, which he has been told he drew when Azula was born, of him holding her, which he definitely does not want her to see. Hers are beneath his, and they make him furrow his brow.
They're like illustrations from war textbooks - the gruesome kind. With her on top. Azula grabs them from Zuko and examines them with distaste before burning them to a crisp. Zuko tries not to be reminded of their father's raid of their old belongings, and how he burnt them so recklessly.
They continue to examine the box in silence.
Zuko finds his baby book. Azula finds hers.
"Look at this stuff," Zuko says and Azula looks bitter and angry. "What? Is yours really embarrassing?"
"It's empty. Why would she save this if it was empty?" Azula snarls, flipping through the pages viciously. A birth announcement falls out, and that is it. Azula picks it up and examines it. She puts it back into the box and promptly burns the baby book to ashes.
"It's probably just because you're younger," Zuko says quietly, immediately feeling guilt.
"I don't care," Azula replies, shrugging airily. "She probably just recorded yours because no one cares enough about you to remember your first word or first steps. Father's told me about mine plenty of times."
Zuko just averts his eyes.
[X]
"Azusami, for the love of..." Azula breathes in frustration. "No."
"You can't say no! You're not even my real mother or something!" the child shrieks, throwing herself onto the floor and writhing as if Azula's single word of denial was an act of torture, as Azula clutches Paddles in her hands for his own safety.
"I gave birth to you," Azula says gently as she feels Paddles's heart speed up. Poor turtleduck doesn't even know what he's gotten himself into in this loony bin of a family. "I am your real mother."
Azusami looks Azula up and down, examining how much of a threat she poses. And then she gasps in and Azula juts stares at her in utter terror.
"Why aren't you breathing?" Azula demands, setting Paddles on a cushion and lunging towards her daughter. But a hand grabs her shoulder.
"They start breathing again once they pass out," says her mother's voice and Azula's lips part in shock. "Your brother did and you did and she will be fine."
Azula looks at Ursa in utter terror, and then to Azusami, who Azula suddenly can tell is analyzing if Azula will cave in or not. And her cheeks are slightly blue. Azula looks at Ursa again, and while she would never take parenting advice from the woman who ruined her, she does in fact recall her many exploitative behaviors towards her parents.
She scoops up Paddles and turns away, knowing she cannot watch this without caving in. Azula may be a monster, but even monsters cannot watch their young willingly suffocate to unconsciousness.
Azusami, however, does not have the resolve of her mother, because she gasps for breath before she smashes to the floor. She then cries and Ursa digs her fingers deeper into Azula's shoulder.
"You were gonna let me die!" Azusami screams, before running off to find someone else to demand from. "I hate you!" echoes down the hall.
Azula touches her lips and does not know what to do. Ursa releases her and Azula just stares blankly forward as her mother picks up Paddles and sets him on her lap.
"I'm terrible. She thinks I hate her. I already abandoned her..." Azula says quietly, looking genuinely distressed. "Why did you let me hold my breath until I passed out as a child?"
"She was testing you, Azula. She wanted to see how far she could stretch your guilt to get what she wants," Ursa says and Azula hates the fact that she knows she is right. "As you were quite adept at by the age of four."
Azula consistently exploited her father's guilt, and it got her whatever she desired. And Azula... she does not want to be like her father. But she does not want to be like Ursa either, and let her child think she would let her suffocate to death.
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do to make her like me again," Azula says, surprising her mother with her honestly. Azula lifts herself up and sits down on the coffee table across from her mother, her knees touching and the gap between her legs revealing the golden dragons carved into the furniture piece.
"Well, you can't become someone she can just push around." Ursa holds up Paddles as evidence. "That doesn't work at all."
"She's never told me she hated me before," Azula says, trying desperately to disprove her mother in her head, but knowing in her core that she is looking for some form of validation.
"You better get very used to it," Ursa says and Azula rolls her eyes. And then Ursa tries a different approach, a riskier one. "I used to count all of the times you said you hated me. It was a horrible habit."
"I didn't think it was humanly possible to count that high," Azula murmurs out of the corner of her mouth.
"But I eventually just stopped caring ─ I mean, not about you, I didn't stop caring about you, that was phrased horribly ─ I stopped caring about whether you were angry at me or not, because it was clearly something out my control. I also was well aware that most of the time you screamed about how much you hated me, it was because I was parenting you instead of indulging you like the rest of the family and children need to be parented."
Azula looks at her nails, successfully suppressing her tears. Ursa does not look away from her, and neither of them flee the situation.
"She's never going to forgive me. I never forgave you," Azula says softly. "She has too much of me in her for her own good."
"I think, and maybe I'm wrong, that even in fucked up families like ours, people still inherently love each other. Even when they aren't so good at loving. I mean, look at Zuko's wife; she herself testified to put her father in prison, and told her mother she would never speak to her again. Neither of them were invited or allowed to go to her wedding. But when she needed her family, they were there," Ursa says and Azula starts biting her nails to keep from showing emotion.
"We aren't a family. We're a bunch of people eligible for absolute power, and that's it," Azula admits, yanking off a chunk of her thumbnail.
Ursa just shrugs. "If that's what you think, it's what you think. I know it's not true."
"Well, you haven't been around to see how much we've hurt each other, have you?" Silence. "I wasn't around to stop this family from falling apart. It's my fault that everything is so screwed up and everyone hates each other and their marriages are over and our children are always going to remember how we hurt them... and how I left."
"There we go," Ursa says softly.
"I don't want... I..." Azula can no longer stifle the emotion, and at this point, she does not care. She is in ruins and nothing matters anymore.
Sobbing, the tears are pouring from her eyes and Ursa sets the turtleduck she has been petting to keep from screaming at her daughter to just wake up and see why she is actually upset aside. Not caring if Azula is going to combust or not, Ursa grabs her arm and pulls her against her.
Azula does not resist. She just cries in the arms of the only person who can understand what she is going through.
And she does not regret it.