RWBY: The Parody

By: Maniac92

Chapter 14: Jaune Bears It All

"Ruby!" yelled Weiss. "Stop eating your sap!"

Ruby squeaked and quickly pulled her cookie out of the jar of sap. "But Weiss!" she whined. "Nora's been eating every single jar Ren hands to her and she hasn't got into trouble!"

"I don't care if Nora's not getting into trouble," said Weiss, "You don't see anyone else eating the sap, do you?" She sighed and turned to Yang, whose back was facing them. "Yang, please tell your sister not to eat the sap."

Yang's form froze. "Um…" she said slowly. There was a swallowing sound. "Ruby, don't eat your sap!"

"…Yang," said Weiss, "Please turn around."

Yang slowly turned around and faced the two girls. There was a ring of sap around her mouth as she smiled sheepishly. "Sorry," she said to Weiss, "But this stuff is really tasty."

Weiss sighed and rubbed her temples. "Well…at least I can count on Blake to not snack on her sap."

The three of them turned and locked eyes with Blake, who was lapping up her sap with her tongue. The black-haired girl froze as everyone stared at her. "…I'm not stopping," she said before going back to licking at her sap.

As Weiss started yelling at her team, Nora walked over to Pyrrha, who was silently staring at the ground. "Pyrrha?" asked Nora. "Can I talk to you?"

Pyrrha looked up and smiled at Nora, "I'm not giving you any more sap, Nora," she said teasingly.

"It's not that," said Nora. "Besides, I already ate Weiss's sap when she wasn't looking. What I wanted to ask you is…" She trailed off, fidgeting nervously. "Do…do you hate Jaune?"

Pyrrha sighed and closed her eyes. "…No, I don't hate him. I'm disappointed and unhappy with him, but I don't hate him."

"…It seemed like he wanted to apologize earlier," said Nora. "Maybe you should listen to what he has to say."

"…I guess I wasn't right for ignoring him, was I?" asked Pyrrha, more to herself than to Nora. "I was just frustrated with him." She opened her eyes and gave Nora a small smile. "Don't worry. When this trip is over, I'll listen to what Jaune has to say. Who knows? Maybe he had some sense knocked into him."

Meanwhile:

Cardin's fist slammed into the side of Jaune's face, knocking him to the ground. Cardin stalked towards the fallen boy and lifted him up by his collar. He balled his fist and punched Jaune square in the face, throwing him to the ground again.

"You know, that really wasn't very smart, Jaune," growled Cardin, picking him up again. "Now you're just hitting yourself over and over again."

"You're the one hitting me…" groaned Jaune, who had large bruises on his face.

"Now Jaune," said Cardin, "Don't lie. You've brought this on yourself."

Jaune rolled his eyes at the other boy, before giving him a defiant glare. "Look, I don't care what you do to me. But I'm not letting you hurt my friends."

"Ooh, scary," said Cardin sarcastically. "You think you can help them? After I beat your face in, I'm just going to go after them next. Now, hold still," Cardin balled his fist and prepared to punch Jaune again, "I want to make this hurt as much as possible." Cardin brought his fist forward and connected with Jaune's face.

Something strange happened. A bright light flashed as Cardin's fist hit Jaune, blinding everyone. Cardin gasped and dropped Jaune. He clutched his hand, wincing. "What the shit? It feels like I just punched a brick wall…"

Jaune sat up in surprise. The pain in his face had disappeared completely. He looked down at his hands, which seemed to glow white. The glow dimmed down until it faded completely. "What?" he muttered.

An armored foot kicked his back, making him fall forward. He looked up at Cardin, Dove, and Russel as they smirked down at him.

"Let's see how much of a man you really are," said Cardin.

Jaune stared at him. "…Did you mean to make that sound as homoerotic as you did? Because, while I am flattered, I don't really swing that way."

"What?" asked Cardin. "Shut up! I'm not gay!"

"It's alright, man," said Dove, resting his hand on Cardin's shoulder. "We'll accept you no matter what."

"That's right," said Russel. "We don't judge people." He thought for a moment. "…Alright, we judge the Faunus, but we won't think any less of you for your life choices."

Cardin sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Just…just beat the shit out of Arc, ok?"

There was a loud roar from behind them. They all turned around and saw a massive Ursa stomping its way into the clearing.

"A bear!" yelled Sky. "It must be after Cardin!"

"What should we do?" asked Dove.

"Keep an eye out for any otters!" yelled Russel. "We don't want them getting behind us!"

"For the last goddamn time, I am not gay!" yelled Cardin. He gestured down at his sap-covered armor. "It's probably after the sap!" He grabbed his mace and said, "We can take this thing, alright? We just have to stay together!"

There was only silence behind him.

"…Guys?" he questioned, not taking his eyes off the Ursa.

"Yeah, they all ran away while you were talking," said Jaune.

"THEY WHAT?!" screamed Cardin, turning around.

The Ursa took advantage of Cardin's distracted state and swiped at him with its claws. Cardin grunted as he was thrown to the side, losing his mace as he slammed into the ground.

Jaune's eyes went from Cardin's fallen form to the Ursa, as the massive Grimm took a step towards him. The Grimm stared at Jaune for a second. Then it rolled its eyes and changed direction, heading for Cardin instead.

"What?" asked Jaune. "Hey!" he yelled at the Ursa. "Am I not good enough for you?!"

The Ursa froze and turned its head to look at Jaune.

"…Never mind," said Jaune quickly, "Go eat Cardin."

Meanwhile:

Sky and Dove ran past Teams RWBY and JNPR, screaming their heads off. Russel ran after them, yelling, "Ursa! Ursa!"

Yang stepped in Russel's path, causing him to crash into her. Yang pulled his head out of her cleavage and asked, "What do you mean, Ursa?"

"W-we were…and sap…and wasps…and…" stammered Russel.

"Not talkin', eh?" asked Yang. "We'll see about that!" She pressed Russel's face against her chest and held him there for a minute or two. When she saw that Russel's face was turning blue, she pulled him away and demanded, "Ursa! Talk! Or do you want to go back in here?!" She bounced up and down, making her chest jiggle.

Russel coughed and took deep gulps of air, trying to get his breath back. "God," he muttered, "That was like two giant pillows smothering me…"

Yang growled, her eyes turning red.

Russel squeaked in fear and said quickly, "There's a huge Ursa in the clearing above the cliff! It's got Cardin!"

"That means it has Jaune!" gasped Pyrrha.

Russel nodded before turning back to Yang. He gave her a smile and ran his hand through his mohawk. "Now," he said, "About putting my head back in-between your ti-"

Yang rolled her eyes and threw Russel behind her.

"What should we do?" asked Blake.

"You and Yang go find Professor Goodwitch," said Ruby.

"Good idea," said Pyrrha. She turned to Nora and Ren and said, "You two go with them. There could be more Grimm around."

"I suppose that leaves us to rescue that blond buffoon?" asked Weiss, pulling out Myrtenaster.

"He's not a buffoon!" said Pyrrha.

Ruby patted her shoulder. "It's alright," she said soothingly, "Insulting people is how Weiss shows affection."

"It is not," argued Weiss. "Don't say stupid things like that, you little dunce."

"Love you too, Weiss!" said Ruby happily.

Meanwhile:

Cardin's back hit the ground again, having been hit by the Ursa's claws. "Damn it…" he muttered. "It would be great to have my teammates right about now…" He started crawling backwards.

Ruby, Pyrrha, and Weiss stopped just before they entered the clearing. From their spot by the trees, they saw the Ursa charge at Cardin. It stood up on its hind legs and swung a claw at the fallen boy.

There was a metallic clang as the monster's claws hit a white shield.

Cardin turned around. His eyes grew wide as he saw Jaune standing in front of him, blocking the Ursa's claws with his shield. "Holy shit…" he muttered.

"Holy shit…" said Weiss.

"Holy shiz…" said Ruby.

"He's so cool!" said Pyrrha breathlessly, a blush on her face.

Jaune threw off the Ursa's claws and slashed it with his sword. The force of the blow was strong enough to make the Ursa stagger backwards. The Grimm got its balance back and swung its claws at Jaune, who rolled out of the way.

"We have to help!" said Weiss, brandishing her rapier.

"Hold on!" said Pyrrha, stopping her. "Let him handle it."

"But-" began Weiss, looking at the scene worriedly.

"Pyrrha's right, Weiss," said Ruby. She smiled and said, "Jaune's got this…"

Jaune jumped into the air, dodging another swipe from the Ursa. Unfortunately, the Ursa swung its other arm while Jaune was in mid-air and got him in the chest. Jaune was thrown to the ground next to Cardin, but rolled back on his feet. He ran back towards the Ursa, stumbling a bit. He jumped into the air, but was batted away.

"…But if Jaune looks like he's going to lose, we'll rush in and rescue him," continued Ruby, Crescent Rose in her hands.

"Agreed," said Weiss, her knuckles white as she gripped Myrtenaster.

"Mm-hmm," said Pyrrha, her rifle out and pointed at the Ursa.

Jaune got up and check his scroll, which was stuck on his shield. He frowned as he noticed his Aura was in the red. "Shit…" he muttered. He looked up and saw the Ursa stop in front of him. The monster roared at him, as though daring him to continue.

Jaune glared at the Ursa. "I'm not going down that easy," he muttered. Raising his sword and shield, Jaune charged at the Ursa. Seeing the boy run at it, the Ursa stood on its hind legs and prepared to swing its claws at Jaune.

Pyrrha's eyes widened as she observed the situation. Years of combat experience had taught her how to think in an instant about what her opponents were going to do and where their blows would land.

In the seconds that took Jaune to reach the Ursa, Pyrrha could see that Jaune's shield wasn't raised high enough to block the strike. With his Aura as low as Pyrrha suspected it was, the Ursa's claws would rip Jaune's face off if the blow landed.

"Don't fuck with my property," she muttered as she raised her hand and activated her Semblance.

Jaune's shield seemed to move on its own. It raised itself up, allowing Jaune to block the Ursa's strike. Jaune slammed a foot into the ground in order to catch his balance and swung his sword up. The sword cleaved through the Grimm's neck, decapitating it.

Pyrrha sighed in relief as she lowered her hand.

Ruby stared at Pyrrha's hand and said, "…What the truck just happened?"

"…What did you just do?" asked Weiss. "Was that your Semblance?"

"…Ruby has her speed, you have your glyphs, Ren makes heads explode," listed off Pyrrha, "I have polarity."

"I see," said Ruby. "So you're a pole dancer."

"I only did that for the exercise, I swear!" said Pyrrha quickly.

"It means she control magnetism, you idiot," said Weiss.

Pyrrha looked at Jaune as he walked over to Cardin. "…We should go," she said.

"What? Why?" asked Weiss.

"Yeah!" said Ruby. "You have to tell Jaune you helped him!"

"Let's just keep that our little secret," said Pyrrha.

"Oh…" said Ruby. "Like how Weiss and I cuddled when we slept together?"

Weiss blushed and smacked Ruby upside the head. "We shared a bed because mine was broken! Don't make it sound weird! And I told you to never mention that again!" Seeing Pyrrha's amused smirk, Weiss glared at her and said, "Mention this to anyone, and I'll tell Jaune about your little peepshows while he's in the shower."

"My lips are sealed," said Pyrrha quickly. She turned and walked away, with Weiss and Ruby following her.

Jaune reached down and helped Cardin back onto his feet. "You alright?" he asked.

"Y-yeah…" said Cardin. "Thanks Ar…Jaune. Thank you Jaune."

Jaune nodded before giving Cardin a glare. "Don't mess with my team or my friends again. Got it?"

"…Yeah," said Cardin. "You got it. And don't worry about the sneaking into Beacon. The least I can do is keep your secret for you."

"Thanks," said Jaune. He scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "We should probably go back and meet up with everyone else."

"Um…" said Cardin. He blushed and looked down at himself. "I…I sort of…"

Jaune looked down at Cardin's pants. "Oh…" he said. He reached into the pocket of his sweater and pulled out some jeans. He held them out to Cardin. "Extra pants."

Hours later:

Jaune, dressed back in his uniform, was standing on the roof. He stared out at the night sky and sighed, going over what he wanted to say in his head.

"You didn't ask me up here so you could commit suicide, did you?" asked a voice.

Jaune turned and saw Pyrrha walk onto the roof. He chuckled and said, "Not quite." He grew serious and scratched the back of his head. "Pyrrha…I…I'm sorry. I was an asshole. You offered me help and I just brushed you off. I…"

"Jaune." Pyrrha stepped forward, staring into his eyes. "It's ok. I'm sorry too. You tried explaining yourself and I outright ignored you."

Jaune chuckled humorlessly. "I guess I got a taste of my own medicine, huh? I haven't really been much of a leader these past couple of days."

"Then come back to the room," suggested Pyrrha. "We miss you." She started walking back to the door and said, "Ren's making pancakes if you want some."

"Pancakes?" asked Jaune. "It's 9 o'clock."

"Nora's very…um…persuasive," said Pyrrha.

Meanwhile:

Ren was in the kitchen, spatula in hand, waiting for the pancake batter to cook.

"Ren," said a voice. A finger poked his side. "Ren." Poke. "Ren." Poke. "Ren Ren." Poke Poke. "Ren Ren Ren Ren Ren Ren Ren…"

"Nora, I am making the pancakes. You can stop." said Ren, his eye twitching.

There was silence for a few precious seconds.

"Are they done yet?" Poke. "Are they done yet?" Poke.

On the roof:

"Pyrrha, wait!" yelled Jaune. When Pyrrha turned around to look at him, he rubbed his arm nervously. "I…I know I don't deserve this, but…would you still be willing to help me? O-only if you want to, though. I don't want to force you to-"

Pyrrha stepped towards him and pushed him to the ground.

"Hey!" said Jaune, sitting up. "A-are you still mad?"

"Your stance is wrong," said Pyrrha with a smirk. "We'll work more on that tomorrow. For now though…" She held out a hand and helped Jaune back up. "I think you've spent more than enough time away from your team, don't you?"

Jaune smiled. He walked towards Pyrrha and pulled her into a hug. "Thanks Pyrrha," he whispered, holding her close. "You're the best."

"N-no problem…" said Pyrrha, her face bright red.

Jaune stepped back and smiled at her. "I'll race you to the room!" he said, running off.

Pyrrha stood frozen, going over what had just happened in her head. A huge smile came to her face and she quietly squealed in delight.

"Did you say something Pyrrha?" asked Jaune, sticking his head back out the door.

"No," said Pyrrha quickly, regaining her composure. "Nothing!"

For those wondering why Ruby no longer swears, I have two answers.

The in-universe answer is that Yang washed her mouth out with soap the last time she did.

The out-of-universe answer is that, for Rooster Teeth's Extra Life Stream, Lindsey Jones read, as Ruby, part of 50 Shades of Gray and censored the swear words in it.

And now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

GI JOE!