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CHAPTER 14: PARTNERS WITH BENEFITS

SETO'S POV

For the first time in my life, for the first time in this strange existence, I felt truly isolated. It wasn't that Kaiba avoided me. He didn't. He acknowledged my presence; he was even polite (for him.) But he had closed down so far that I couldn't reach him, even though I was living inside his body. I didn't know anyone could go so far away and still inhabit the earth.

I was worried and there wasn't anyone I could talk to. Besides Kaiba himself, only three people knew of my existence. And Mokuba's face darkened every time he saw me, my pharaoh was unavailable, and I would not go to Yugi. For the first time, I felt trapped.

Kaiba grunted hello. It was almost time for us to switch. But I didn't want freedom of action – not when there was no course of action for me to take. I wanted to talk, to try once again to reach him.

"You don't have to pretend you're unaffected. It is pointless to do so before me in any case," I told him.

Kaiba shrugged, but came into our soul room, for the first time since his break with the pharaoh. "It's not like I ever believed in permanence," he said.

"Sometimes the things we wish for are not things we believe in, but things we desperately need to be true."

"Do I look 'desperate' to you?" he sneered.

"You look like you are in a place far beyond desperation. I told you when we met that you have more of the pharaoh's regard than any mortal could expect to hold. Despite what has happened, that has not changed."

Kaiba shrugged again. "You're not telling me anything I don't know. But Yugi is Atemu's responsibility. I'm not. It's that simple."

"You're wrong. Your happiness became his responsibility on the night you made love for the first time."

"We didn't make love. We had sex," Kaiba corrected.

"Which one of us are you lying to?" I asked. Kaiba didn't answer, and I didn't press the point. "That you do not wish to confide in me, I understand," I continued. But, for all that I reside in your body, Mokuba is in your heart. Why are you equally reticent with him?"

"I don't want him worrying about things he can't change."

I wanted to ask if he truly believed Mokuba ignorant, but Kaiba distracted me by saying, "You're right – we're not exactly soul mates – at least, not like Atemu and Yugi. Does that disappoint you?"

I thought about it for a moment, then shook my head. "I never wished for a closer acquaintance with myself."

Kaiba gave a snort of laughter at that.

"We are soul mates in our own fashion. We are a part of each other and I would never harm you or wish you ill. I swear it. But I think you already know this," I said.

Kaiba nodded. "Nor I, you," he answered. "Atemu had to put Yugi first. If I'd put Mokuba in danger because of Atemu – do you think I'd have made a different decision?" he added, as if continuing an ongoing debate. "If there's anyone who gets what happened and why – it's me."

"But…" I prompted.

"It doesn't matter. It's over. He didn't even look back."

That seemed like a strange abdication to me as well. I would have expected the pharaoh to contact Kaiba at least to apologize. I looked at Kaiba's downcast face. I reached out to touch Kaiba, wondering if he would fight me off. He didn't.

I kissed him lightly, friendship as well as invitation in the gesture.

"You expect me to settle for banging myself?" he asked.

"This isn't about settling. It's about solace… and I think there's no shame in that for either of us."

YAMI'S POV

I couldn't believe how badly I'd managed things in such a short time. And it was hard apologizing to Yugi for doing what had to be done to protect him – when the first thing he said was that I'd done the right thing by risking his life in the first place.

"You didn't just save Kaiba," Yugi pointed out. "You saved Seto, too. Don't you think that is what I would've wanted?"

"But I didn't do if for you. I didn't even think about you. I forgot everything but him. Don't you see? I put his needs ahead of yours."

"And now you're punishing him for it," Yugi said quietly.

"Or myself. I should never have let it get this far; have gotten this involved."

"How could you avoid falling in love, and why on earth would you want to? Besides, you've risked our lives in duels over and over. How is this different?"

I looked at Yugi, at the tears running down his face. My one comfort had been in the thought that I was saving him. But now all I could see was the heartache I'd caused.

"This doesn't mean that you and Seto…" I started.

"Of course it does! Do you think we could just go on like nothing had happened? Do you think that either of us are that cold-hearted?

"I'm sorry," I said, knowing the words were inadequate.

"It's not your fault. Maybe I pushed you into being your own person before you were ready," Yugi said.

"No! I wanted the chance to experience what I could of life. And I'm grateful. My only regret is that I handled everything so poorly. Sometimes I wish you had never assembled that damn puzzle. All I have done is ruin lives… Kaiba's… yours…"

"What are you talking about?" Yugi asked. "You haven't ruined my life. And Kaiba's was a train-wreck long before you had arrived on the scene."

"You should be with people… real flesh and blood people – not wrapped up with shadows like Seto and myself. Mokuba was right. I should never have allowed it."

"You couldn't have stopped it. And Mokuba was wrong. Who is he to decide how Kaiba should be happy? Who are you to tell me? Who made the two of you the happiness police around here? If you're so certain it's my life – why are you trying to tell me how to live it?"

I thought about what Yugi had said. He was right. We had been happy. It wasn't what Mokuba wanted for Kaiba, or even what I wanted for Yugi – but the joy had been real. I shouldn't have treated it so cavalierly.

"It seems there are no end to my mistakes," I confessed. "I didn't value my life enough, and in so doing, put everyone's happiness in jeopardy."

Yugi sighed with relief. "The you haven't done anything that can't be fixed."

"It's not so easy," I said.

"Why not? You still want him. He still wants you. Sounds simple enough to me."

"What I did can't be undone."

"How do you know?" Yugi asked.

I signed. For once, Yugi's optimism failed to cheer me. "How can I promise not to hurt him again? How can I promise to be different from who I am?" I asked.

"Are you sure he wants someone different?"

"I don't know. I never asked, and he never said."

"Maybe you should. At least think about it," Yugi said.

I thought of little else. Kaiba had asked me for nothing, and I had failed to provide more than that. Part of me agreed with Mokuba; Kaiba deserved more. And yet, what he had wanted was me. And our time together had been precious; it had been real. It had been tense and intense and sweaty, full of awkward moments and unspoken words. It had been as close to life and love as I could come. And I did not want to let it go so easily.

I thought about the past week. If it happened again I would still try to save Kaiba. I would still feel as confused and guilty over my actions. But I would never abandon him again; I would never live up to his doubts instead of his hopes. I didn't know if Kaiba could accept that – if he would accept me. He was not a man to easily excuse frailty. If I went to Kaiba, it would be as a supplicant, asking for trust unearned.

I wasn't sure which prospect was the more unsettling: hearing from Kaiba's own mouth how much he hated me, or hearing that he wanted me still. But one thing was clear: I had done Kaiba a wrong. If nothing else, I owed him the chance to hurl recriminations at my head.

But making amends had proved impossible. Yugi's emails were returned unopened, my calls to his cell phone had been blocked, and his staff had been instructed not to accept my calls. I was not surprised. I knew how implacable Kaiba's resentment could be. And it was a just punishment – to lose what I had only truly learned to value in its absence.

I was surprised that the first Kaiba I heard from was Mokuba. He'd sent a terse email to me through Yugi, saying it was time to 'settle' things. He was sending Seto with the limousine so that we could talk. I had to promise not to try to see Kaiba. Remembering Mokuba's anger, I wasn't sure what was going on, but if I could help resolve things, or give either Kaiba brother some peace of mind, I was game.

Seto was alone in the back of the limousine.

"Do you have any idea what's going on?" I asked.

He shook his head. "This is Mokuba's party, not mine. I'm just along for the ride." Seto gave me a ghost of a smile. "Whatever he's got planned, it's important to him, and I want to help if I can. I'm worried about Mokuba. He's been… odd, lately. Seeing how his brother is really shook him up. So if he's got a plan, I'm willing to give it a shot – even if he doesn't trust me enough to tell me what it is."

"How is Kaiba?" I asked.

"Functional, if that's what you're asking. His movie project is proceeding on schedule. As for the rest… at least, I finally got him to sleep."

I tried to suppress a twinge of annoyance at how he had probably managed that. I'd never been jealous before. But I'd never been unable to touch Kaiba myself before, either.

"Do you blame me?" I asked.

Seto winced, then said as though fighting to get the words out," To do so would be disloyal. You are my pharaoh, chosen by the gods. Your decisions are above my censure."

"Please," I said.

He shrugged. The gesture reminded me of Kaiba. "I don't know," he said.

"I don't know either," I answered. "I only know that I am ready to begin anew, if Kaiba is willing." I sighed. "Though I doubt Kaiba is a man who believes in second chances."

Seto snorted. "He should, considering the number of fresh starts he's used up, himself."

"I guess I shouldn't have expected living to come as naturally as gaming," I said.

"You may not remember our world, but you were shaped by it, nonetheless… as was I. Roles and responsibilities were more clearly defined there. This world is as fluid and as divided as our own existence within its unfamiliar confines."

"And yet, for all my failures, and for all the ambiguities and constraints surrounding this existence, it has its attractions," I mused.

Seto nodded again, but he now looked distracted. I raised an eyebrow in inquiry.

"When he's sleeping this deeply, I have to listen for his nightmares," he explained.

"Nightmares?" I asked.

Seto nodded. "There's not much I can do, but at least I can bear witness so he knows he's not alone."

"He's let you into his soul room?" I asked, annoyed at my own reaction. Everything was making me jealous. Having renounced all right to Kaiba did not make me want him any the less.

Seto's lips twitched. "Only the anteroom. And it's empty and unrevealing except for his nightmares. We have agreed to let each other's soul rooms remain undisturbed. You possibly have more idea of what's truly inside, than I."

"Not as much as I would wish for," I answered.

Seto grimaced, and put a hand up to his head, as if to shut out the sounds of screams reverberating in his ears.

"Why aren't you in there, helping him?" I asked sharply.

"Because it's the nightmare you gave him, the one where he's being killed by Duel Monsters. Boy, is that one a work of art. What the hell did you do that for? Never mind," he held up his hand to stop me. "I'm sure he deserved it."

"You haven't answered my question." I growled.

"And you haven't been listening," he said. "It's the nightmare you gave him. He never had it until you broke up with him. He always dreamed about Mokuba. Now he dreams this one over and over. Do you think I didn't try to help? The first time it happened, I rushed in there. I tried to defend him – to kill all of those monsters you sent him – and he turned around and attacked me. He was fighting like a madman to protect your monsters even as they were tearing him apart and devouring the pieces. I got out before I did any real damage. The truth is, pharaoh – that nightmare is all he has left of you, and he's going to hold on to it with everything in him. You're the only one that can banish it."

"I can't even see him. I promised Mokuba not to try."

"If you order me, I will get him. You are still my pharaoh. I still owe you my obedience."

"No. I've broken enough promises. Yugi told me to have faith. It's time I listened. I'll wait."

Seto smiled. "He'll be all right. A few nightmares won't kill him. Believe me, I know. And warped as it is – he finds this one comforting. He usually sleeps pretty soundly afterwards – just like when you were making love."

Thanks to Clarity for editing this chapter.

REVIEW NOTE: I reply to all signed reviews or reviews that have an email address directly. I reply to all unsigned reviews and post a summary of all replies on my LJ. The link is the first one on my Biopage. I generally post replies there when I update the next chapter.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I think Yugi's on the right track here: there's a big gap between what Yami wanted and what he was ready to handle. But I think the idea that Yami might not be ready to be on his own runs all through Yugioh. When Yugi sort of shoves Yami into a 'date' with Anzu, Yami is noticeably uncomfortable – not just because of the situation and because he knows that Yugi is the one who wants to date Anzu – but also because he isn't used to being on his own without having a duel to focus on. It's clear he's a bit ill at ease and unsure what to do – until they go to a card store and he's on familiar ground.

At DOMA when Yugi's soul gets sealed in stone, Yami is almost catatonic. A lot of his reaction is grief and guilt – but what steadies him is having a mission – to defeat DOMA and rescue Yugi. I think having a mission sort of helps him get his bearings because it gives him a clearly defined role to play and a plan of action to carry out.

And most of all, Happy Holidays!