A/N: Thanks for all the lovely reviews. I try to respond to each one so if I've missed any it's been accidental. Thanks also, to all the guest reviewers to whom I cannot respond personally. I appreciate all comments. Thanks to jago ji who keeps me on track. And last, but not least, thanks to JE who created them all. As always, I use them for fun and not for profit.

Chapter 14

Honesty Is Such A Lonely Word

Could the moment be any better? I was still in that floaty space between sleep and being fully awake, but I was aware of the muscled forearm just under my breasts, snuggly holding me to the muscled body behind me. And I could tell he was up for round four. Yep, we'd made love three times the night before, and each time had ended with me being so completely satiated I thought I'd never need another orgasm. I'd been wrong. I remembered my plan for distance between Ranger and myself, and I remembered thinking one time wouldn't hurt. Two hadn't hurt either. The third time I woke him from a deep sleep, but he'd been more than willing to comply. And now…

I made an attempt to roll toward him, and realized I was going to have to visit the bathroom before anything too exciting could happen. I squirmed a little, to loosen his hold, and he understood my intentions. He pulled the covers back and gave me a clear path from the bed. I was naked, and I hesitated, but only slightly. I jumped and ran into the bathroom. Finished with my business, I turned to go back to bed, but I bumped into Ranger standing in the doorway.

"Hey," he said, lifting my chin with his fingers. He bent and placed a soft kiss on my lips.

"Hey, yourself," I replied. I wanted to look down, the sight of a naked Ranger was a strong draw, but I kept my eyes trained on his face. There was something about his eyes. They were a little unfocused, but clear, and intent on his own exploration of my face. I thought maybe I was seeing a gentler, softer side of Ranger, well softer except for that one part. We were standing in close proximity, and I knew one part wasn't soft. He bent his head again and nibbled gently on the sensitive lobe of my ear. My body convulsed, and he pulled me completely into his arms. The next kiss was not gentle. It was invasive and passionate, and I responded fully.

He moved further into the bathroom and pulled me with him. "Let's take a shower," he said. "You'll remember I'm good in the shower." His smile was wide, and I wanted to jump in front of him and drag him in with me, but I shook my head.

"I can't," I said. I held up my right hand. "I've got these cast-protecting shower bag things, and I have to use them and they are a pain to get on and…" He swung me up and carried me back to the bedroom and the thought of a shower left both our minds.

Later, when I was lying on top of him, with the quilt wrapped around both of us, I saw Ranger turn and look at the clock on the bedside table. "I've got someplace I need to be this morning," he said.

"It's Sunday," I complained. "You don't have to work on Sunday, do you?"

"RangeMan is around the clock, Babe, but no, I don't have to work all day. I've got to attend to some personal business. Will you stay here? I won't be gone more than a couple of hours." I hesitated, hoping he would tell me where he was going. To see his mother again, maybe?

"Please?" he asked. I was done for.

"Yes," I said. "I'll stay."

"Would you mind if I used the shower first?" he asked, "I'm running a little late."

"Of course not," I said. "It's your shower." And I'm not an important guest. I'm just the girl you have casual sex with.

When I heard the spray of the water, I sat up in bed and wrapped my arms around my knees. He had to attend to some personal business. A man might tell his lover what the personal business was. A man might ask his lover to accompany him on his errand. A man might ask his friend and casual sex partner to wait around until he got back, for more fun. The tears started slowly, and I was unaware of them. When the deep sobbing started, I'd forgotten Ranger was just in the other room.

My mind had gone back to that day when Mary Lou called to tell me Joe Morelli had written about our Tasty Pastry liaison on a bathroom wall. And then she told me he was gone…to the Navy. I had been the last thing on his "to do" list before he'd left. I'd thought I would die, but I hadn't. But I'd never completely forgiven him either. And then, recently, when he'd called me Baby the pain had turned straight to anger and I'd left for good. All that pain was over, a part of my past…and it was nothing compared to the misery I was feeling now.

This time I was hurting so badly I forgot where I was. I forgot Ranger would be getting out of the shower and would hear and see me. And the worst part was, it was all my fault. I'd lied to Ranger. And I'd lied to myself. I told him I could handle sex without a relationship. I'd said it in his SUV in the alley behind Ulhman's. I needed to get a handle on the situation. I needed to get a grip on my emotions. I needed to be honest with myself…and Ranger.

Arms went around me and the scent of Bulgari enveloped me as Ranger pulled me to him.

"Babe?" He didn't speak again. He just held me until the sobbing morphed into the occasional body-racking shudder.

"We need to talk," I said into his shoulder. "It's my fault, all my fault, and I need to tell you. I know you have to go, but you have to come back soon, because we need to talk."

"We can talk now," he said.

"But your business…"

"…will wait." He let go of me and gently pushed my hair out of my eyes. He handed me a tissue, and I blew my nose, and realized we were both naked.

"We need to get clothes on," I said. "I can't talk naked." I thought I saw the corners of his mouth start to tilt. Even in my misery, I was amusing him. Something in my expression must have alerted him to the seriousness of the situation, because the smile never formed. He got up wordlessly from the bed and disappeared into the dressing room. He was gone only a short time, but came back into the bedroom fully dressed in his normal RangeMan uniform. He handed me a folded RangeMan shirt.

"I can get you something more substantial to wear," he said. "But I thought you might want to shower first."

"It's okay," I said. I took the t-shirt and pulled it over my head. This time when he sat on the bed he wasn't within hugging distance. I was sitting against the headboard and he was at the other end, patiently waiting for me to continue. Well, sorry, Ranger. I changed my mind. It wasn't important. We can talk later. I didn't say any of those things, but they were all running through my mind. I've known for a while, I'm not brave, and what I needed to do was going to take courage. A lot of it. I needed to be honest.

"Babe?" It was his way of prompting me, of telling me to start talking. And I knew I had to. He had someplace to go.

"Okay," I said. I took a deep breath and just let my thoughts tumble out. "The night I broke my hand, when you took me to the hospital, was the first time we'd seen each other in a little while. You were being distant from me."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because you'd indicated you were ready for a serious relationship, and I knew it wasn't going to happen with me. I was giving you space to get in a solid place with Morelli."

Well, that hadn't happened. "And after I told you Joe and I were through you still kept giving me space, because you didn't believe me."

"It wasn't that I didn't believe you, Stephanie. I know you thought you were being truthful. It's just that history, yours and Joe's, would indicate you were not through."

"Oh, we are," I said. "I don't love him. Any feelings I have regarding Joe are feelings of hurt and anger, and maybe in time they will fade, but they won't be replaced by love. He's killed that. A girl can only be thrown against the wall so many times."

"He abused you?" I looked up to see Ranger's face devoid of emotion. That was a sure sign he was controlling a strong impulse.

"No," I said, hurriedly. "I was speaking figuratively. The only actual thing he did to me on a wall was write about me. And he gave details. 'For a good time, call Stephanie Plum,' wasn't enough for him. He left a description. And then he left town. My parents almost changed their phone number because of all the of guys calling and asking me out. Oh, I know it sounds kind of funny, but it was devastating.

"It doesn't sound funny."

"So, the thing is," I said, "Joe and I are not together, and we are not getting back together, but there is still something between us. He's like a bad habit for me, and I have to learn to change that habit." I waited for his input, but he remained silent.

The hard part was coming. I had to say something I didn't want to say, but some little germ of self-preservation was growing inside me and I was going to finish this thing.

"I think you were doing the right thing in keeping your distance from me. I made up my mind, yesterday, to tell you, but then last night, when I tried to go home, you wouldn't let me. And then you kissed me and I thought, one time would be okay, and it was okay, I mean, it was great, but now I'm thinking I should have, maybe, just gone home."

Ranger ran his hand through his hair. "You're asking for some space?"

My eyes filled with tears, and I leaned my head back, willing them not to fall. They fell anyway. Ranger handed me another tissue. "I'm asking for more than space. I think I'm asking for forgiveness. I lied to you. I told you I could separate love from sex, and that having sex wouldn't mess up our friendship, and I think I lied." I couldn't talk anymore. I just sat quietly, letting the tears flow and feeling like a big lump of worthless emotion. Ranger stood up from the bed and walked into the living room. I heard him on his cell phone, but I couldn't make out the words over the sound of my own crying.

When he came back into the room, he reached down and lifted me easily off the bed. He carried me back to the living room and sat in the armchair with me on his lap. "I've postponed my appointment," he said.

"Great," I said. "Now your mother will be angry with you, and that's my fault, too."

"My mother?"

"I thought you were going to take your mother to church again."

"I was going to talk to a man about a car, about several cars," he said, "but the appointment will wait. I don't think you were done yet. You have more to tell me."

"I do." I sighed. "I lied about the sex. I can't have casual sex with you. Well, I can. I can have all kinds of sex with you." I saw his eyebrow raise and I blushed. "What I mean is I can be casual or passionate, but I can't make the love go away. It just won't leave. I tried to make it leave last night, but it came back. I don't want to love you, and I don't know why I can't make it stop, but I can't. I've lied to you, and you've been honest with me since the very beginning. You said your love came with a condom…that your lifestyle wouldn't lend itself to a relationship. I'm sorry…I feel like I haven't played by the rules, like I've cheated." I sighed a deep chest-heaving sigh and was quiet. I didn't think there was anything left to say. No further words to humiliate myself. I was finished. Totally. Finally.

"My turn," Ranger said. I looked up at him. He tightened his hold on me and pulled my head to his shoulder.

"Your turn for what?" I asked.

"You've been honest with me," he said. "My turn to be honest with you." I didn't like the sound of that. I'd just finished saying things I didn't want to say. Now I was going to have to listen to things I knew I wouldn't want to hear, but I didn't think there was any way of escaping.

"Do you remember when I told you that between us I had the muscle, but you had the power?"

"Yes." I remembered. Those days had been happier for me, full of hope, attraction and excitement that I might have power over anyone, especially Ranger.

"The other night," he said, "in the SUV. I completely abandoned my professionalism. I let my need for you overrule my duty to the job. If any one of my men had taken a situation even half as far as we did, they'd be gone. No second chance. I totally lost my focus during the surveillance. That should give you some idea of the power you have over me." I was quiet, listening, and what I was hearing wasn't nearly as bad as what I'd thought I might hear. But then it changed.

"I need you, Stephanie, and I have since the day we met. I needed to be your mentor, then I needed to be your partner and then I needed to be your friend. I wanted to be your lover, but I only wanted you on my terms. I've tried, but I can't make the need go away. It just won't leave. I don't know if that's love or not. All this doesn't change anything. I don't want a relationship with you…with anyone."

"I don't understand," I began.

He interrupted. "I haven't been honest with you, but I will be now. It's not that my life wouldn't allow a relationship. I don't want a relationship. I was married once and we brought an innocent child into a hostile relationship. It was my fault, and I won't do it again. I won't allow myself to be part of a situation that could deteriorate the way that one did. I want to be your lover, but more than that I need you in my life. It's your choice."

"You are asking me to choose when I just told you I can't put my feelings on the back burner while we fuck!" I said. I hadn't meant to raise my voice, and I wasn't planning on losing my temper, but things could change.

Ranger stood and set me on my feet in front of him. "I can survive without being your lover," he said, "but I won't let you slip out of my life. I can't explain why, to you, or myself, but I need you. I'm leaving now, and if you're gone when I come back I'll know we are no longer lovers. If you're here, then we will discuss the parameters of our…"

"Of our what, Ranger? Not of our relationship, I'm betting." He turned and walked out of his apartment and I was left standing in front of the armchair, alone, with his scent still on me.

I went to the bedroom and started stuffing my few possessions into my tote bag. I wasn't going to give in to desire to shower at his place. I'd do that at home. And then, on an impulse I didn't want to think about, I went into his dressing room and pulled a clean t-shirt from the shelf. I could always use an extra.

I was about to get dressed when something caught my eye. It was the blonde wig I'd worn to seduce Joe. I'd left it in Ranger's Porsche, and he'd tossed it on a closet shelf. I grabbed the wig and threw it in the trash, and then I reconsidered. I'd never be wearing it again, but I thought Lula might want it.

I silently surveyed the room where I'd both given and received so much pleasure the night before. I tried to remember everything I saw, because I was betting I wouldn't be seeing it again, any time soon. I'd been honest and Ranger had been honest, and it looked like I was going to get my space.