Disclaimer: They aren't mine. If they were the show would be Addison-centric :)
A/N: Sorry for such a long turn around on this one! Thanks for all of the reviews! Xyli
He hates what a mess he has made of life. He hates that he wanted to work instead of being with his wife. He hates that he should have been home with her tonight instead of going out. He hates that it is the last thing that has got him fighting for his life in the back of an ambulance. Mostly, right now, in this moment he hates the damn sirens that keep interrupting what little line of thought he has. Tonight, he is trying to focus harder than any other time he can recall in his life. Memories of ten years ago and beyond keep echoing through his mind and he can't steady it long enough for one of them to play in its entirety. He sees Ellis, the day he left her when Meredith was on a carousel. He is trying not to focus on how he felt a little over ten years ago. Because ten years ago he was in New York trying to devote his life to his career, anything to lessen the pain of leaving the love of his life for the right person. As he feels an EMT reallocate above him his mind begins to spin carelessly. He can't believe that this is what it is like to die. It seems so rushed and yet so pedestrian. He is privy to a private and exclusive viewing of his own life. All he wants to see as the gurney jumps and shifts below him are the good moments. The moments, the memories that kept him going ten years ago. The times that brought him back to his wife, back to Seattle. But he can't find him; it feels useless as the doors slam open in front of his fuzzy vision. Focus, Richard focus. Why is he hearing his own voice? Why isn't there some sort of voiceover guy? He narrows his eyes in an attempt to stay alert and conscious as the pain courses through his body. It is numbing, and he knows now that he is going into shock. Then he sees her, how could she be there already? How long have I been down? What happened again? He only wishes his memory was as clear as it was ten years ago. He'd give his life for it to be, but he is fairly certain that he isn't going to hang on to that for much longer anyway. He feels her, and another memory presses its way into an already overcrowded space. He sees her the night she left him. Get out of my head. God let me see my wedding day or something. It isn't going to happen. He sees his drunken days in a haze as bar scenes flash before him. She is holding his hand, he knows that much. Holding his hand like she did through rehab…both times.
He blinks. He sees Ellis again, begging him to stay. Get out of my head. He sees the day she was lucid, him sitting there telling her stories he knew were never going to be true. He never planned on staying with her, but it was fun while it lasted. Then he did something he had prided his whole career on not doing, he got attached. Get out of my head. He blinks. He sees a flash of red hair and hears some rapid medical jargon about who he can only assume is himself. He is going down soon. No one can save him. His eyes are drifting and he hears Adele crying above him. He sees a montage of all the countless times he has made her cry. She is sitting, standing, laying, hunched over, leaning, but she is always alone. He is being wheeled somewhere, he sees the familiar walls and the clamoring above him has come to a deafening silence. He blinks. He is going down soon. He forces all of his remaining energy on trying to be in the moment. His eyes dance from Adele to Addison to Derek. Derek? The visions are coming too fast, he wants to speak. He wants to tell her. He wants to say how sorry he is for everything, but mainly the last ten years. How sorry he is for tonight. He blinks. He is going down soon. He wants to warn them. Tell them that this life is not all it is cracked up to be, so do something good with it. Not that the two above him have ever gotten anything right he muses.
He sees the night Adele told him she knew about the affair with Ellis. Then he sees the affair with Ellis. In vivid detail, the groans, the gasps, the limbs intertwined, the sweat. Get out of my head. He blinks. As he is pushed into a room the memories have become a blur. Twisted and knotted with one another. There is Adele and then Ellis and then countless medical cases. Medical cases? Focus Richard. His hearing has become acute, and he knows he is going down soon. He hears her above him, she is begging for him to pull through. He wishes that for once he could grant her wish. He wishes that tonight wasn't his end. He blinks. He is going down soon. Monitors screech to life as Derek and Addison labor above him. Desperately trying to save a life that isn't worth saving.
He blinks. One good thing will come from this. He won't be able to hurt her again like he did ten years ago. Tonight is the last time she will be disappointed in him. He feels her put her face next to his, and her tears are warm and wet against his cold and clammy skin. He sees the night they lost their only child. The child he didn't even know about until it was too late. Now the situation is reversed and she is crying above him as he lies balancing in the perils above death. Get out of my head; give me just one happy moment. He blinks. Ten years ago she would have felt the same way, and he wouldn't have cared less. He focuses on Derek holding Addison as they wait for him to slip away. He wonders who will call his time of death. His breathing is forced and ragged. He blinks. He can't keep his eyes open anymore. He is going down soon. He wishes that tonight was like ten years ago, because ten years ago his BA level wouldn't have left his wife angry with horrible memories of the night he slipped into his permanent demise.