Hi and welcome back readers of my heart!

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT : I've decided to hire a Beta! Yes, yes! And May Glenn was kind enough to take the job. So this chapter has been beta'ed by her! She is brillant! I can't thank her enough for her help!

Well, that's it. Nothing more to say I think. Thank you all for coming back! As ever, I'd love reviews with your thoughts. This one was hard to write and I actually had to go back and watch the real episode to give you exact citation :D

Updated November 7th 2015 with corrections by my Beta!

Chapter 14:

Merlin had run and run and run until it felt that he might pass out, but he did so without a thought in his mind. When he finally stopped, his muscles burning and out of breath, he found himself in front of a lake. One he would always recognize. One where he had put both his love and best friend to rest. It seemed he would always be attracted to it whenever something bad happened in his life. It was the place where he could let his emotions flare. He felt as if being here would bring him closer to the dear ones he'd lost.

He staggered across the shore, his tears still falling, blurring his vision, and took two steps in the water before letting himself fall to his knees in the lukewarm water. Once more his arms came across his stomach, squeezing tightly. He closed his eyes, hoping that he could fall asleep and never wake up. Again he was trembling but was unable to stop it. He felt so despairingly empty and cold. He didn't know if he could ever come back to his previous self. It felt as if there was no more joy in him. No more will to live.

He felt more than saw the sun finally disappear, the air around him beginning to cool but he didn't move. Behind him he heard a rustle of leaves and dismissed it as animal life. That was why he jumped when he heard Arthur calling his name. He nearly fell down entirely into the water but the king managed to steady him. He couldn't understand what his master was doing here and fixed him with a stare.

"What are you doing here?" He asked disbelievingly before lowering his eyes, feeling as if he had no right to look Arthur in the eyes.

The answer that Arthur gave him was just the most ironic thing he could have said and Merlin couldn't stop the slightly mad-sounding laughter that bubbled out him. Arthur didn't want him to feel alone. The exact same words he had told the Prince when his father had died. If Arthur knew who he was, he wouldn't care about Merlin being alone. Merlin found the guilt of Uther's death weigh once more onto his heart and soul and he began sobbing. His throat constricted badly and he fought once more to just breathe. He vaguely felt Arthur hoist him up and guide him towards the shore, making him sit on the sand there before draping his cape across his shoulder and awkwardly holding him, coaxing him to breathe deeply before sitting next to him.

For a long time neither of them moved or talked and, had he not been busy trying to calm himself, Merlin would have been impressed by the patience Arthur was showing towards him. It wasn't usual for the king to just sit in silence without doing anything. But he looked deep in thoughts, as lost in memories as Merlin was.

As the night moved on, the moon slowly rose, casting its pure white light on the ground around the two sitting figures. Merlin watched as it reflected on the calm lake water making it almost glow. He had finally stopped crying, not because he felt better but because he hadn't any tears left. He felt Arthur shift beside him and had to stop himself from sighing, knowing what was coming.

"You know." Arthur began almost hesitantly, his voice low but still sounding very loud in the night's silence. "It might not feel like it right now but… It's going to get better. I know how it feels Merlin and I'd be lying to you if I told you that everything will be perfect again, that you will stop hurting but… It really does get better with time."

Merlin shook his head slightly without looking at Arthur, his mind screaming that the king shouldn't be there with him.

"You can't understand." He breathed, hoping that Arthur would just leave him.

"I do." Arthur insisted, a bit stubbornly. "Listen… Gaius was a bit like a father to me too. Sometimes I spent more time with him than my own father…"

"I'm sorry Arthur." Merlin answered, his voice wavering.

"It's not your fault. And, as I said, my father's death doesn't hurt so much anymore."

Merlin didn't answer, just let his head fall on his bent knees and silence fell once more.

"You shouldn't be here." Merlin said after a while, making Arthur jump out of his thoughts.

"And why's that?"

"Because you're the king and I am just a lowly servant. And kings don't follow their servant through the woods at night when they just took their kingdom back from an evil Sorceress." Merlin explained matter-of-factly.

"No. You're right. Kings don't. But friends do. And tonight I'm not a king and you're not a servant. We're just two friends helping each other."

Arthur's words made Merlin want to smile and cry at the same time. It was good to have Arthur call him a friend but at the same time the price to pay had been too high and he didn't feel worthy any more to be the king's friend. Unbidden, Agravaine's final words came back to him and he shuddered. How you've managed to deceive him! I am impressed. Perhaps we're more alike than you think.

"You shouldn't think like that." Merlin told Arthur quietly.

"Why?"

Because you will regret it, Merlin thought but no words made it past his lips because they would lead to questions he couldn't answer even if he wanted to. Because the lies went so deep that it felt as if he didn't know what the truth was anymore and because it has been drilled in his mind to keep the secret. Arthur looked like he wanted to push him to answer but finally thought better of it and clamped his mouth shut.

After that, neither of them talked again. Merlin because he didn't want to and Arthur because he didn't know how to approach his friend who seemed to have shrunk back into himself. The warlock was glad that Arthur didn't push him more and a bit proud because he could see it was hard for the blonde by the way he kept shifting. He wished he could find the courage to be honest with his king. To tell him about his magic and about his true self. About the shadows that now lurked in his mind. But he couldn't. So he just kept sitting on the wet sand, staring at the water, waiting for the time to pass, without hope for the future.

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