Chapter 14: Sex Lies and Rock
A/N: After the complaints about the Peter bashing, I decided to take some liberties and edit the chapter quite a bit. Hope you like this version much better.
It was a beautiful night in Quahog. The family had arrived to the annual Quahog Rock Festival.
"It was so cool of your mom to give us tickets to the Quahog Rock Festival, Zack," said Meg.
"How was she able to get a hold of so many tickets?" asked Lois, "I thought they were all sold out."
"She was able to persuade the sponsors with a little something something, if you know what I mean," said Zack as he winked to them.
Flashback
"Hand them over," said Valarie as she pointed a shotgun to a bunch of guys in suits while wearing a ski mask.
End Flashbacks
The family keeps on wandering the festival until they run into a huge group of emos standing around being depressed and all.
"Hey, Lois," said Peter, "Watch me mess with these emo kids' head."
"Peter, I don't know..." said Lois.
"C'mon, they're just kids," said Peter as he grabbed a megaphone, "MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE WILL NOT BE PLAYING TONIGHT!!"
"NOOO!!" screamed one emo as he cut himself with a razor blade.
"THIS FESTIVAL ISN'T WORTH LIVING THROUGH!!" screamed another as she cut herself.
"IT'S ONLY ONE BAND, BUT I'LL CUT MYSELF ANYWAY!!" screamed another as he cut himself.
"Just wearing these tight clothes make me wanna kill myself... and I think I will" said another as she cut herself.
And soon all the emo had cut themselves and fell to the floor.
"HAHAHAHA! I'm just kidding. You kids can get up now," said Peter as puddles of blood began to form, "...Uh oh..."
"I fear for Cody's safety," Zack whispered to Meg.
"You know, Meg," said Stewie from Lois' arms, "You actually fit in with these people. They always whine and complain and they cut themselves. You know, you could, um, actually be a part of their group right now, so um... hintity hint hint."
"Shut up," said Maddie from Meg's arms.
"Hey, I see Valarie," said Brian.
"Val, there you are," said Lois.
"Grandma Val!" said Maddie as she ran into Valarie's arms.
"Maddie! Glad you all could make it," said Valarie.
"Why did you want us to come to this thing anyway?" asked Peter.
"It was for Zack," said Valarie, "I always took him to the Quahog Rock Festival when he was a boy."
"It's true," said Zack, "I loved going to these things. One time when the Rolling Stones were here, Keith Richards threw his guitar into the audience and I almost caught it."
"What happened?" asked Chris.
"I caught it, but then some kid beat me up and took it from me," said Zack, "He then grew up to become a successful rock star with a ton of money while I have to live in an idiots and freaks manufacturing plant."
"Zack! That's our house!" said Lois.
"I know!" said Zack, "And Meg was a defect... Thank god."
"Well, this certainly takes us back to our groupie days," said Lois.
"I'll say," said Valarie, "Some good times..."
"I know," said Lois, "When I think of all the rock stars we slept with..."
"Just you," said Valarie, "I hardly got any action at all."
"And is that supposed to be my fault?" asked Lois.
"You told every guy that I was a lesbian," said Valarie.
"I don't know where you'd get that idea," said Lois.
"GENE SIMMONS TOLD ME HIMSELF!!" shouted Valarie, "I DIDN'T GET TO BE WITH KISS BECAUSE OF YOU!! ...But I'm not bitter though because at least I got with Madonna... But that was pity sex."
"So Madonna felt sorry for you?" asked Lois.
"Who said she felt sorry for ME?" asked Valarie.
"Oh... okay then..." said Lois.
"Tell me more..." said Chris.
Later near the end of the concert, the Rolling Stones had finished their big number. The audience then cheered loudly.
"Thank you, Quahog!" shouted Keith Richards as he threw his guitar into the audience.
"Zack, look!" said Meg as she pointed to the guitar coming his way.
"I don't believe it!" said Zack, "Another chance! I've been waiting for this my whole life! I can finally redeem myself and live my dream as-"
Zack was then shoved away by Peter as he caught the guitar.
"Oh my god!" said Peter, "I got Keith Richard's guitar! I am so awesome!"
"But... I... It... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" screamed Zack to the top of his lungs.
Meanwhile at Mayor West's office, Adam West is doing paperwork until...
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
"No?" asked West, "I'll sign this new town law of wearing silly hats on Fridays whether you like it or not, so YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSS!!... I showed him. That hat hater."
Meanwhile in the living room, Peter walks in dressed up as Gene Simmons from Kiss while holding the guitar(Remember when Peter and Lois went to that Kiss concert? Well that's how he looks like.).
"Peter, what the hell are you doing?" asked Lois.
"Wow, dad! You look awesome!" said Chris, "You look just like Sting!"
"I think you look like a freak," said Meg.
"That is a misconception, Meg. I'm not dressed like you," said Peter, "Anyway, after last night, I have decided that I want to start a career as a rock star."
"A rock star career?" asked Lois
"This is only asking for trouble," said Maddie.
"What are you talking about?" asked Peter, "I'll be fine. This will go smoothly just like all my other music careers... Well, except for my rap career.".
Flashback
Peter is on the stage of a live rap concert wearing baggy jeans, a jersey, a backwards baseball cap, and a lot of jewelry.
"Petey P in da house!" rapped Peter, "Lemmie here ya say hay!"
"HAY!" shouted the crowd.
"HO!" he rapped
"HO!"
"Hehehehehe!" he rapped
"HEHEHEHEHE!"
"I be hangin' in the projects, fightin them popos!" rapped Peter, "I be shootin' up N(bleep)s, I ain't got no education!"
Everybody in the crowd(who were all black, btw) just looked on in shock as what Peter had just said.
"What the hell?!" said one person in the audience, "He used a double negative!"
"And he's accusing us of being gang members by using racial slurs!" another said.
"BOOOOOOOO!!" the crowd booed as they threw soft drinks and chairs at Peter who ran off.
"So the stereotypes AREN'T true!" said Peter, "CURSE YOU 50 CENT, SNOOP DOGG, ICE T, JAY Z, DR DRE AND ALL OTHER GANGTA RAPPERS WHO PROMOTE A BAD STEREOTYPE TOWARDS HARD WORKING AFRICAN AMERICANS LIKE MY FRIEND CLEVELAND!!... Or maybe they booed at me 'cause I'm white."
End Flashback
"Peter, you can't just decide to be a rock star," said Zack, "You can't play the guitar without lessons! You can't even carry a tune in a bucket without turning it into a fart. Then it becomes funny. You should be a comic instead."
"Um, excuse me. Who's the one with the guitar?" asked Peter, "Who's the one who caught the guitar at The Rock Festival? Who has the guitar that once belonged to The Rolling Stones? Not you. I rest my case."
"You know what I do to your coffee every morning?" asked Zack, "I PUT ARTIFICIAL SWEETNER IN IT!!"
"You son of a bitch!" said Peter, "Wait, Sweet n Low or Splenda?"
"Splenda," said Zack.
"You son of a bitch!" said Peter.
"Peter, you can't take a guitar and suddenly say that you're a rock star," said Brian, "You need talent."
"Brian, you don't need talent to be successful in the music industry," said Peter.
"He's right, Brian," said Stewie.
"Stewie and I learned that the hard way," said Maddie.
Flashback.
At a music audition, Stewie and Maddie are singing Ain't No Mountain High Enough.
Ain't no mountain high enough!
Ain't no valley low enough!
Ain't no river wide enough!
"I believe I've heard enough," said the record producer.
"So what do you think?" asked Stewie.
"We've been practicing all month!" said Maddie.
"Meh, it was okay," said the producer, "You're just not what we're looking for."
"But... We were good," said Stewie, "We were both on key, and-"
"Yeah, don't call us, we'll call you," said the producer, "Next!"
As the kids leave, a blonde haired chick with a huge rack walks into the room.
"She's perfect!" said the producer, "You'll be the next big thing!"
"Oh thank you, Mr. Producing guy!" she said in a terrible voice.
"We'll just use lip synching!" said the producer, "Besides, guys will buy anything on the cover with a half naked chick on the cover wether she has talent or not."
End Flashback
"Anyway, the guys and I got ourselves a gig at the company picnic," said Peter.
"Dad, the company picnic is tomorrow," said Meg, "Do you even know how to play?"
"Did you even practice?" said Lois.
"I've been practicing all day!" said Peter, "I've practiced these really cool guitar stances and doing a really cool thing with my tongue."
Peter then gets into various stances and flaps his tongue around like Gene Simmons.
"That's some mighty fine tongue flapping," said Maddie.
"You're gonna embarrass yourself," said Zack, "You really need to practice, first."
"Zack's right," said Meg, "You should at least LEARN to play the guitar first."
"Nah, I'll just fake my way through it," said Peter, "Just like how I faked my way through the employee drug tests using Lois' urine."
Flashback
Back when Peter worked at the Happy Go Lucky Toy Company...
"Mr. Weed, I am very concerned about one of your employees," said a doctor.
"What is it?" asked Mr. Weed.
"According to this drug test Mr. Griffin is... pregnant?" asked the doctor.
Mr. Weed just looks on in shock.
End Flashback
The next day at the Pawtucket Brewery company picnic, Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire are all getting ready for their big performance and they are all dressed like Kiss.
"Peter, I'm nervous," said Cleveland, "There are so many people out there."
"Yeah, Peter," said Joe, "I'm not too sure if we should be trying to do this again."
"C'mon you guys," said Peter, "You don't need to be nervous. Just imagine everybody in their underwear... No, Quagmire stop! I said imagine. I don't think that woman likes that."
"What? It helps me imagine better," said Quagmire as he was then slapped in the chin, "OW!"
Meanwhile, on the stage, Zack and Peter's supervisor, Angela is on the mike.
"Everybody, I have a few announcements to make," said Angela, "First of all, don't let your children eat the potato salad. That has beer in it. Don't let them eat the sandwiches. That has beer in it, too. Don't let them eat the watermelon. That has beer in it. Don't let them drink the root beer. Oh lord you won't believe how much beer's in it."
"Well what DOESN'T have beer in it?" asked an employee.
"The non alcoholic beer. You can give your kids that," said Angela, "Also, we have a band playing today featuring our very own Peter Griffin so I hope you all brought earplugs. Now give it up for... Fat Black Horny And Joe?!"
Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire then walk on stage while the audience applauded. Meanwhile in the audience...
"Remember that we're here to support your father, kids," said Lois.
"Go dad!" said Chris.
"50 bucks says he'll crash and burn," said Zack.
"My dad's won't crash and burn!" said Chris, "He's not flammable, jerk!"
Now back on stage, Peter and the guys are ready to play.
"Here's a little song I wrote. It's about my life," said Peter as he began to start playing a guitar riff. He was playing quite decently.
"Okay, not bad," said Zack, "So I was wrong."
There was a hole in my heart a long time ago!
I made a big mistake and my girl and I split!
I had to work with my dad in a convenient store.
I was about to end my life and call it quits.
"Wait... this sounds familiar..." said Zack.
Then one day she showed up.
She took my life and knocked it up a peg.
She filled that hole in my heart.
This is a song about a girl named Me- Lois!
"Aw, how romantic," said Lois.
"THAT'S MY SONG!!" shouted Zack angrily, "HE STOLE MY SONG!!"
Lois! Lalalalala Lois!
The audience then cheered in an uproar.
"Wow... Give it up for Fat Black Horny and Joe!" said Angela.
As Peter and his gang took a bow, a man in a suit and sunglasses walked up to them.
"Wow, I have never seen a performance such as yours," he said, "I am a record producer and I want you and your band to sign a record deal."
"Oh my god! Sweet!" said Peter.
"...Zack, are you okay?" asked Meg as she noticed Zack was stiff.
"I think his brain exploded," said Chris.
"How can you tell?" asked Lois.
"His ears are bleeding," said Chris.
Weeks later at the Griffin home, everybody is having breakfast except Zack and Meg who were watching the news on the kitchen TV.
"Fat Black Horny and Joe are sweeping the nation with their hit song Lois," said Tom.
"That's right, Tom," said Diane, "In a matter of weeks, their song has become number one."
"Say, Diane," said Tom, "What do you think the chances are that somebody else wrote that song and that Fat Black Horny and Joe just changed the original name from, let's pretend it's Meg, to Lois."
"Well I'd say the original writer would be pissed," said Diane, "But what are the chances of that?"
"You're right, Diane," laughed Tom, "What a stupid thought!"
Zack then angrily punches a hole into the TV and cuts his hand. He didn't care that his hand was bleeding. He was just too pissed.
"THAT SON OF A BITCH!" shouted Zack, "THAT SHOULD BE MY FAME, MY FORTUNE, AND MOST OF ALL MY GUITAR!!... AND HE MADE ME PUNCH MY TV!!"
"I can't believe dad stole your song!" said Meg.
"I know!" said Zack, "He's like the Irate Gamer!"
"Because he's a plagiarist?" asked Lois.
"No Lois," said Zack, "Because the Irate Gamer is very original and doesn't copy any material from the Angry Video Game Nerd at all- OF COURSE HE'S A PLAGIARIST!! DON'T ASK ME STUPID QUESTIONS!!"
"Did you hear that, Chris Bores?" asked Stewie, "BURN!"
"This reminds me of how the Snorks ripped off from the Smurfs," said Chris, "When the Smurfs found out... Well, let's just say it didn't end well."
Cutaway
The Snorks are looking up and see a bunch of dead Smurfs floating above the water.
"Told you they couldn't get us," said one Snork.
End Cutaway
At that moment, Peter walks into the room still dressed up as Gene Simmons.
"Dad, how can you steal from Zack like that?" asked Meg.
"It's not stealing," said Peter, "It's not even the same song. His was about Meg. Mine was about Lois."
"All you did was change the names!" said Zack.
"You still don't have proof it's yours," said Peter.
"You never met mom in a convenient store!" said Meg.
"Yeah, you keep telling yourselves that," said Peter.
"Peter, do you do this to me or everybody?" asked Zack.
"Just you," said Peter as he then leaned to Zack to whisper the last words, "Because you're special."
"Well I think it's sweet that you plagiarized a song and named it after me," said Lois.
"Wait, what the hell is this?" asked Peter as he looked at his breakfast.
"That's breakfast," said Lois, "I give it to you every morning."
"I'm not eating your feces if that's what you want me to do," said Peter.
"Peter, what are you talking about?" asked Lois.
"Lois, I am a rock star, now. And as such I only eat Petey-O's," said Peter as he pulled out a box of cereal with his face on it, "And it has all the shapes of your favorite band members from Fat Black Horny and Joe. All part of a complete breakfast. It's Peterrific!"
"Peter, you're being mean," said Lois, "That song is about me, you know."
"Actually, no. It's Lois Lane, who by the way is much cooler than you," said Peter, "Alright, I'm done being with you peons. I have a car commercial to shoot."
Peter then leaves the house.
"The nerve of him!" said Lois.
"I know!" said Zack, "Those should be Zack-O's! They should be Zackalicious!"
"No, I mean Peter's letting the stardom go to his head," said Lois, "He's being a jerk!"
"I know!" said Chris, "This morning he said that now that he's another soulless bastard celebrity he could finally admit that my art is not a talent in any shape or form. I feel so discouraged."
"When I said I wanted to be just like him when I grow, he laughed at me for 5 minutes straight!" said Maddie, "Then he told me to stay in the kitchen!... But then again, he's always telling me that."
"I think it's time we took him down a notch!" said Brian, "I say we ruin his career!"
"Ruin his career, huh?" said Zack.
"But, isn't that a little harsh?" asked Lois.
"Lois, Peter needs some tough love right now," said Zack, "Besides, in a way, we're saving Peter. He could end up taking the same path like Britney Spears."
"Oh god no!" said Lois, "You're right! He'll start doing drugs, need medical attention, or worse... end up on How I Met Your Mother!"
"Maybe if we could get him involved in a scandal," said Brian, "Something that will make people lose respect for him."
"I got it!" said Zack, "If we put one of you on TV and expose him as a bad parent, his career will fall faster than the ratings on the CW. And I know just the person to go on. Meg!"
Everybody in the room then looked at Meg.
"Me?" she asked, "But why me?"
"Is it because he hates Meg?" asked Lois.
"No Lois," said Zack, "It's because he loves and respects all his children equally- WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU?"
Meanwhile at the channel 5 studio, Diane Simmons and Tom Tucker are starting the interview.
"Today on Quahog 5 action news we have an exclusive interview," said Tom.
"That's right, Tom," said Diane, "Today we will be interviewing Meg Griffin, daughter of Black Fat Horny and Joe lead singer and guitarist, Peter Griffin... Who is also married to Zack Murdock whom she doesn't deserve, by the way."
"I don't love you," said Zack, "Get over it."
"NEVER!" shouted Diane.
"Well, Meg, what is it like being the daughter of somebody totally famous?" asked Tom.
"It's terrible," said Meg.
"Really? Now how is it terrible?" asked Tom.
"First of all, he hates me!" said Meg, "He treats me like utter crap ALL THE TIME!"
"Exactly what has he done to you?" asked Diane.
"Well this is only a half hour show," said Zack, "We can't tell you everything, but try telling them a few things, Meg."
"Well, for starters, he thought I was a house cat when I was little," said Meg, "He threw me out of my own house just for trying to fit in, he constantly tells me to shut up, he ignores me when I need him most..."
Meanwhile at a recording studio, Peter and his band are about ready to play, until Cleveland notices something on TV.
"Peter, isn't that Meg on TV?" asked Cleveland.
"No, that's just Malcolm in the Middle," said Peter.
"No, Peter, that IS Meg," said Joe, "And she's saying bad things about you."
"Oh crap!" said Peter.
Now back at the studio...
"He lit my hat on fire!" said Meg as she was beginning to cry, "He even shot me once!"
"My god!" said Tom, "What a monster."
"I know," said Diane, "Just look at her arms."
"No, I mean Peter," said Tom, "And don't accuse her of YOUR insecurities. She's not the one who's always spending time with her brother, Richard, to lose wight."
"I'M NOT FAT!!" shouted Diane as she began to chomp down on a celery stick.
"Meg, your father sickens me," said Tom, "And to think he could've been my step son. Well I'm throwing away all my Fat Black Horny and Joe CDs."
"Don't you listen to a damn word she says!" said Peter as he burst into the studio.
"Dad?" asked Meg.
"She's lying!" said Peter, "I never treated her like that at all."
"Oh really?" asked Zack, "Tell her you love her."
"Hell no!" said Peter, "Meg sucks!"
"See?" said Meg, "He hates me! I'll bet he wouldn't treat me like crap if I was one of his precious SONS!"
"About dare you talk ill about your MALE brothers!" said Peter as he then removed his belt and began to chase Meg across the room.
"HEY! Keep away from her, jackass!" shouted Zack as he began to chase after them.
Meanwhile at the recording studio, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire just place their palms on their faces, Captain Picard style.
"R.I.P. Fat Black Horney and Joe," said Cleveland, "2008 to three weeks."
The next day, the family is sitting in the living room. Peter is finally dressed up normally.
"Well, my career is over," said Peter, "I guess I deserved it."
"No, Peter, I'm sorry," said Zack, "I shouldn't have let the jealousy get to my head. I should've been happy that at least one of got to live the dream."
"Really?" asked Peter, "Even though I stole your song and got famous for something that I didn't even write?"
"Let's not reopen old wounds," said Zack.
"Sorry," said Peter, "I wish there was some way I could make this all up to you."
"I'm sure you can," said Zack, "With a certain guitar, or course."
"Yeah... about that..." said Peter, "I kinda pawned it. I got 40 for it."
"You... pawned it?" asked Zack, "You pawned Keith Richard's guitar for 40? An authentic Rolling Stones guitar... for 40?"
"You're not mad, are you?" asked Peter, "...Zack?"
"Is he okay?" asked Lois.
"I think he needs some gauze," said Meg, "Blood's leaking from his ears again."
End Chapter.