Author's Note: This is rapidly written but it been just over a month since I last posted a chapter, I just wanted to put something out for you guys who've been waiting. Unfortunate work delay with the accompanying traveling commitments got in the way of my writing. Please bear with me, I hope the next one will be sooner. Thank you all for your patience and reviews which are much appreciated. Feedback welcome. Thank you for reading.

Fairfield Stables - Barn

Never thought that I would have fallen so deeply in love with Jack so quickly. There was that instant attraction the first time I laid my eyes on him, there is no doubt about that. Those brooding good looks on top of the exquisite ruggedly handsome thing he had going for him was more than I had ever anticipated I'd find in Hudson let alone anywhere else. The thing about Jack is he has the muscular physique of a man's man, the rugged appeal, the exquisite facial features accompanied with that gravely voice that has the ability to melt your bones which makes him devastatingly irresistible. But Jack doesn't see himself that way. I don't know why but he doesn't seem to know the appeal he holds for the opposite sex. He doesn't know how many woman in Hudson would like to have a crack at making a relationship with him work or just to have fun in a carnal sense. Val Stanton if she had it her way would be the next Mrs. Jack Bartlett. She definitely has a thing for him, but I can't fault her for that because I know Jack is the type of man that is rare to find in this world. Both Val and I have been all over the world but we both somehow have thing for the same man. That should tell you that Jack is quite something to behold.

I keep on recalling the 'Dear John Note' Jack left for me last week. I still feel numb, I feel lost without him to anchor me. In the short time we've come to know one another I've become rather dependent on Jack in a certain way. His always there to lend an ear or accompany me to the race track or an auction or to wind the day down with. I've probably scared him away by being too needy. I guess I was too overwhelmed by everything he had to offer and didn't have the foresight to censor myself. It's a lesson I know I must learn. I need to be more independent, less emotionally needy, less needy all around. Well, I guess I now have all the time in the world to learn self control after Jack dumped me.

Dumped me. Really Lisa, what were you thinking? Obviously he dumped me, I pressured him into making our relationship more intimate. I knew he didn't want to be intimate with me but I craved it and he relented and allowed me to have my way but at what cost. The cost of a relationship that could have been so much more than either one of us ever dreamed.

Jack has made me soft, I have to admit. He has made me soft enough to be vulnerable, to be able to let down my guard and became too emotional, too dependent on him for my peace of mind. He compassion, his attentiveness, his gentleness, his thoughtfulness is what made me soft and lead me to the vulnerability that made me needy. I need to stop looking for someone to comfort me. I an adult for God's sake, why do I need anyone to do that for me. I should be able to provide myself with all of those needs. I shouldn't have imposed upon Jack that way. I can see why he would run away as fast possible from some clingy needy woman who can't take care of her own emotional needs.

God my head so messed up right now. I feel all of this but I also know that when Jack and I are together everything just feels right. I think in an odd sort of way we compliment each to some degree. Also there is no doubting the chemistry we have between us. It's natural and at the same time exhilarating, sometimes to saviour, something challenging, something to look forward to or so I thought. Jack is a wonderful man, his a straight arrow and once you get to know him you'll realise full of love for all the things that mean something in his life, Heartland, his cows and most importantly his family. I thought maybe I could be a nanoscopic part of that affection and have a place in his life somehow but I know I was kidding myself. Jack would never fall for a woman like me the best I could have hoped for was a fond appreciation based mutual respect. I know I was peeved when he mentioned we could be friends but I think the physical chemistry we have would have to include a friends with benefits sort of friendship. Otherwise we'd be too high strung to be a round each other without the physical contact we inadvertently bestow upon each other when together.

I need ride to clear my head. Mental gymnastics after our breakup is more then I can handle right now. I can't sleep even if I do my dreams are of Jack and of the night we spent together. A dream that leaves me frustrated and on the verge of tears because it always ends with Jack leaving me and with me knowing that I wasn't enough for him. It confuses me because I know Jack was satisfied in the pure physical sense and he was dominant taking what he needed to fulfil his needs but I don't know if it was me or a carnal physical need Jack needed to scratch. Finally I manage to get my horse all tacked and ready for the ride, I'm in desperate need off to clear my mind.

Heartland

"Okay, so something definitely happened between Jack and Lisa," Mallory tells Ty.

"What gave it away? Jack's black mood or Lisa not calling the house or coming around this week," Ty sarcastically remarks to Mallory with amusement.

"Ha….ha, you know Ty, sometimes I don't know why I bother talking with you," she exasperatingly lets him know.

"You know Mallory, sometimes I do wonder about that too. It takes up hours of my time trying to figure it out, sometimes days," Ty mockingly jests her.

"Whatever! You know we have to do something right? Otherwise, Jack will either stroke out or one of us will be in Montana after he gives us an ass kicking."

"Are you crazy Mallory? Did you fall of your horse and hit your head?" Ty asks her.

"What? No! Off course I didn't, Mr. 'I need private lessons where nobody can see me' Borden."

"Then why are you proposing something so crazy Mallory. Getting involved in Jack's personal life is a big fat red flag, a definite no. In fact a capital 'N' and a Capital 'O'. I'll be back in jail, before the barn door hits me on the ass, on my way out after Jack has evicted me and kicked my ass," Ty dramatically tells her.

"No need to be so melodramatic, Ty. But I guess you're right, Jack would be pretty pissed if we meddled with this thing between him and Lisa."

"Yeah, he would Mallory. Also I think Jack deserves the right to privacy to deal with whatever's going on in his own way."

"I guess you're right. I just hate seeing him so sad, so miserable and tormented. Lisa really made him happy, Ty. I just want Jack to be happy. He looks after all of us, it would be nice if he had someone to look after him and be there for him. Lisa is perfect for him for him Ty. I just don't want him to mess things up."

"I want Jack to be happy too, Mallory. Jack's the only person to ever believe in me and give me a chance." Ty sincerely lets Mallory know that he understands where she is coming from.

Ty finally processes what Mallory alluded to and sceptically ask her, "And, how do you know Jack is the one that messed things up?"

"It's always the guys fault," Mallory rolls her eyes alluding to the fact everyone should know this by now.

"Off course it is," he sarcastically appraises her with a mock expression. "You would say that Mallory. You are a girl."

"Anyway, think about this logically. Think of 'Jack' and now think of 'Lisa'. There is no way a woman like 'Lisa Stillman' would be at fault. She's smooth and class personified. Jack on the….," Ty interrupts her before she finishes.

"Yeah, yeah Jack on the other hand is 'Jack'. I see your point Mallory. But it doesn't matter we can't get involved."

"It totally sucks, Ty. I could help Jack out giving him really good advice about how to patch up whatever bone headed thing he did."

"You could but you won't. Right Mallory. Right Mallory," Ty imploring asks her waiting for and affirmative answer.

"Right. I guess we will have to leave it up to the Gods. Who knows how long that will take. But you're right, Jack would kill us if we tried to get involved," a dejected Mallory states.

Heartland - Porch

All the kids are out for most of the evening gone to Maggies for a night out. Actually gone to Maggies so they don't have to put up with my gloomy mood would be more accurate. It's a been a crapy day, to be honest it's been crappy week. Overhearing Ty and Mallory conversation about my mood in its entirety was almost illuminating. Mallory got it right that I was definitely the one at fault. She's also perceptive enough as is Ty that Lisa would be the very last person you'd blame conflict on as she is extremely accommodating. In fact I don't like that she puts so much of herself on the line. Lisa needs to protect herself from people especially from people like me. People who take but give very little in return. What Mallory doesn't understand is that Lisa deserves so much more than I give her. She can definitely give me everything I need but the other way around I'll fall too short and she deserves better. She doesn't just deserve better she deserves the best.

I don't know what I expected but this feeling that has settled upon me, makes me nauseas day in and day out, it was something I didn't expect at all. I also didn't expect to still feel this insane need to see and be with Lisa to be so all consuming. I though maybe my need to be in her presence would start to fade even a little by now. But the only thing my ending things with Lisa did was to intensify my need for her even more. That she hasn't pitched up at Heartland to slap me across the face is a miracle in itself. After what I did to her, I would expect no less. But I should have known better, Lisa is not like any other woman I've known or know. She's in a 'class' that most people don't even know exists. A 'class' I didn't know existed until I met her and got to know her.

I can only imagine what she must think of me. How hurt and betrayed she must feel. Oh God, what a mess! I know I thought it was a mistake to be intimate with her before I broke it off with her. But after going an entire week of not seeing her or hearing her voice, I'm glad that I did. During the light of day I may not be able to see or hear Lisa's voice. But at night in my dreams, I get to be with her in every sense of the word and for that I will be eternally grateful. To have known her that way, to have had her, to have made her mine for just one night is something I don't ever wish to take back.

Lisa brought out a side of me I didn't even know I had. That all consuming need to take her like an animal in heat was an existential experience. The need to mark her, brand her, to make her mine was an intrinsic compulsion that has been brewing under the surface from the first day we met. That I can admit to. But the dominant, assertive animalistic nature of what I took from her still confounds me. To be perfectly honest I can't find it in myself be feel any guilt over the way I made Lisa mine. What I am is disconcerted that I have these intense overwhelming needs when it comes to Lisa. I don't understand how I can be both disconnected and reassured at the same time. Lisa ability to create these dynamically opposite emotions within me simultaneously is both terrifying and self-assuring and somehow strangely validates my masculinity. Being with Lisa has somehow triggered something so primitive and so primordial within me that I don't know if I have in me to prevent it from consuming me without abandon.