Episode Thirteen:

Hearts and Minds, or In which Shannon and Boone are (almost) incestuous

Part 2

Somewhere in the JUNGLE, BOONE is still TIED UP.

BOONE: Life sucks. I hate Locke.

SHANNON: Boooone! Boooone, I loooove you!

BOONE: What? What? Shannon, is that you??

MONSTER: RAR!

SHANNON: Boone, you big strong man, you must come rescue me!

The fact that Shannon is COMING ON TO HIM should instantly alert Boone that he is HALLUCINATING; however, he is just DELUSIONAL enough to be convinced of his own MANLY STUDLINESS.

BOONE: Don't worry! I'll save you! Oh boy, I finally get a chance to be a hero like Jack!

Very HEROICALLY, Boone REACHES and STRAINS and GRUNTS in a very MANLY way until he can GRAB the KNIFE. Even more heroically, he also manages to do this with his RIGHT HAND, while in SOME SHOTS his right hand is also TIED behind his BACK.

DIRECTOR: Uhmm…nothin' to see here, folks…

Finally getting hold of the KNIFE, Boone uses it to CUT the ROPES and in the process accidentally SLICES OPEN his JUGULAR— Oh. Never mind, that's just WISHFUL THINKING.

MONSTER: A slightly closer RAR!

BOONE: Shannon! I'm a-comin' for ya!

He finds SHANNON, who is TIED LOOSELY to a TREE.

BOONE: Hang on…I had to practically rip my hand off to get free, and she could've just wiggled out from under her ropes?? Something fishy is going on here!

SHANNON: I couldn't have done that! I might have messed up my hair or broken a nail!

BOONE: Oh. Well, that's in character.

MONSTER: A very close RAR!

BOONE: RUN!

They RUN.

BOONE: Wait, wait, I have a good idea! Let's hide in this same stand of trees that Kate hid in during the Pilot episode!

DIRECTOR: Shut up you. No, we are not reusing the same sets.

SHANNON: I thought the pilot was dead.

MONSTER: I shall LOOM OMINOUSLY! RAR! FEAR ME!

BOONE: Oh Shannon…let me enfold you in my manly protective embrace.

SHANNON: Oh Boone…my manly protector!

BOONE: Wow, this is great! Except for the whole imminent-death-by-mysterious-monster part!

The MONSTER STALKS AWAY, leaving nothing but a LARGE FOOTPRINT in the jungle EARTH.

MONSTER: I don't have time for this, I have other people to terrorize! Like Rudolph.

BOONE: Whew.

SHANNON: Whew.

BOONE: In our immense relief at being alive…wanna have raunchy jungle sex?

SHANNON: No way. That would totally give away the whole this-is-really-a-hallucination twist.

BOONE: Damn.

ELSEWHERE in the JUNGLE, SAYID is doing something MECHANICAL.

SAYID: I'm SMART!

MICHAEL in a brief CAMEO: I have no relationship with my son!

JACK approaches.

SAYID: Jack, the very man I wanted to see! Which way is north?

JACK: What? Why?

SAYID: Do you want me to shove bamboo shoots under your fingernails?

JACK: Umm…it's that way.

SAYID: Good job! You get a cookie and a gold star! Now see here, this compass shows a different north!

JACK: Am I supposed to care about this?

SAYID: What are you doing just wandering around in the jungle anyway?

JACK: Well, the episode was over halfway over and I'd only had one scene. That was clearly unacceptable.

SAYID: I see.

Back in the random STAND of TREES, BOONE and SHANNON dare to EMERGE into the JUNGLE again.

SHANNON: I hate Locke.

BOONE: Me too.

He has a FLASHBACK. He is still in AUSTRALIA, returning to BRIAN'S HOUSE.

BOONE: Hey Shannon, did Brian break up with you? Too bad. Let's go!

SHANNON: You are the biggest idiot ever.

BRIAN comes home.

BRIAN: Hello again, loser!

BOONE: What are you doing here?? You pinky swore!

BRIAN: Oh, did I? I forgot.

BOONE: Oh, I see what's going on here… Brian, you weren't going to break up with Shannon, you were just going to be a huge scumbag and keep the money anyway and not tell her anything about it!

SHANNON: Um…exactly.

BRIAN: Just when I thought he couldn't get any stupider. Let me spell this out for you very carefully: Your sister…set you up. She is…a ho bag.

BOONE: How dare you call her that! I'm going to beat you up!

BRIAN collapses in a fit of HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER.

BOONE: —Wait. She did what?

SHANNON: It's not my fault! I have a tragic backstory!

KATE, JACK, SAWYER, LOCKE, MICHAEL, SUN, JIN, SAYID, CHARLIE, and HURLEY all in brief CAMEOS: Join the club.

BRIAN: Aw, I'll just punch ya for the hell of it!

He PUNCHES Boone, who FALLS OVER.

BOONE: Whimper, whimper.

BRIAN: No, I can't beat you up…there's just no challenge.

Back on the ISLAND, LOCKE is SITTING on the BEACH. JACK approaches.

LOCKE: What are you doing here?

JACK: I demanded another scene. And an extra Christmas bonus.

LOCKE: Okay…so what are we supposed to talk about?

JACK: Well, first I ask about Boone, and then you make a lame joke, and then we talk about boars.

LOCKE: Sounds unnecessary.

JACK: Oh, it is. I think JJ wanted to do something with a giant 4-toed statue, but I was like, No way, Jack needs screen time.

LOCKE: I need to close this scene with a mysterious and possibly profound line… Man is the greatest predator of all. Remember that.

JACK: Whatever.

Somewhere in the JUNGLE, KATE and SUN are WALKING.

KATE: So, you speak English!

SUN: What?

KATE: I said, SO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH!

SUN: Yes, but keep it quiet, please.

KATE: DON'T WORRY, I won't tell anyone YOU CAN SPEAK ENGLISH!

SUN: Please stop yelling.

KATE: Okay. And don't worry, I'll try to use only one syllable words, too.

SUN: Um, thanks.

KATE: Sooo, why doesn't Jin know YOU CAN SPEAK ENGLISH?

CHARLIE comes WANDERING by.

CHARLIE: Who can speak English?

SUN: Dammit!

KATE: Umm…no one. Me.

CHARLIE: Well…congratulations.

SUN: Whew, that was close. Now I will take a leaf out of Locke's book and end the scene with a deep and meaningful line… Have you never lied to a man you've loved?

KATE: Wooh, yeah, been there! One time there was this guy, and he asked me if I was a fugitive, so of course I told him no, no way!

SUN: You mean you're a fugitive?

KATE: …Crap.

SUN: Don't worry, Kate, I won't tell anyone YOU'RE A FUGITIVE!

KATE: Oh, shut up.

On the BEACH, JIN gives HURLEY a MYSTERIOUS CONCOCTION.

JIN: You see, fat man, this will counteract the poison of the urchin that is flowing in your veins.

HURLEY: Yeah, I get it, you hate me because I wouldn't take your gross slimy food before! Well, FINE! I'll EAT it!

JIN: Yelling is unnecessary.

HURLEY: Me. Want. Fish.

JIN: Just eat the damn thing!

Hurley EATS the CONCOCTION.

HURLEY: Not bad. Kind of tastes like eggnog.

JIN: My work here is done!

HURLEY: And now just when you least expect it, with perfect comedic timing, I will throw up!

WRITERS: We are sooo good with the bodily fluid jokes this episode!

JIN: The fat man has regurgitated my miraculous curing concoction! Alas, now he shall die.

ELSEWHERE on the BEACH, JACK gives PILLS to CHARLIE.

BOONE in a brief CAMEO: What the hell! This is my episode, and I haven't even been onscreen since the last commercial!

WRITER #2: Sorry, man…you're just not interesting enough to carry forty minutes of screentime. That's why we had to come up with so many secondary storylines to supplement yours.

BOONE: Dammit! I quit! Just kill me off already! But give me a real heroic death scene, okay?

WRITER #2: That can be arranged. And I'll see what I can do about the heroic part.

CHARLIE: Let's carry these sticks from here to there.

JACK: Um…why?

CHARLIE: So it looks like we actually do stuff besides wandering around the jungle for no apparent reason.

JACK: But I love wandering around the jungle! That's my whole freakin' storyline!

CHARLIE: Um, yeah, I know.

JACK: We need to actually do something in this scene.

CHARLIE: Too late.

JACK: Let's have a conversation about Locke. Who is sitting over there with unnaturally straight posture.

CHARLIE: That sounds…unnecessary.

JACK: Why is everyone obsessed about having meaningful scenes today? If I'm on the screen, it's important!

CHARLIE: Just to piss you off, I will end the scene with a deep and profound remark!

JACK: Yeah, everyone's been really into that lately.

CHARLIE: Maybe because most of the scenes today have been unnecessary, and the writers hope we won't notice if they end them with something profound?

WRITER #1: What is with all the criticism today!

WRITER #2: I think it started when we tried to make an episode that was all about Boone.

CHARLIE: Anyway…Locke saved my life, yadda yadda, and he's gonna get us off the island, et cetera et cetera. Can I go now, before I get roped into another pointless conversation?

ELSEWHERE on the BEACH, MICHAEL is holding a MYSTERIOUS BOX.

AUDIENCE: Great…that must mean the box will soon be explained in a flashback. Which will likely feature Michael and Walt's tragic lack of a father-son relationship.

BOONE in a brief CAMEO: WHERE AM I???

WRITER #1: Shh, have a cookie.

MICHAEL: Oh, look, my son is playing with the dog, how precious. My goodness…am I feeling fatherly?? Wow, this is a major breakthrough.

AUDIENCE: Um…I bet it's not. Just a hunch.

HURLEY approaches with a PAPAYA.

HURLEY: So, you've got a toothbrush! That's great. 'Cause you know, teeth-brushing should be your main priority here on this mysterious, dangerous island where we barely eat anything anyway.

MICHAEL: Oh, I never let Walt brush his teeth.

HURLEY: Huh?

MICHAEL: He uses a secret child-molesting toothpaste plant, and I'm not having that!

HURLEY: Whatever.

JIN approaches with a DEAD FISH.

JIN: Here you are, fat man.

HURLEY: Wow! A dead wet slimy fish! I love you!

SAYID in a brief CAMEO: My shoes were so a better gift.

JIN: Now you will no longer be plagued with digestive issues, humorous as they may be to the writers.

HURLEY: Well, actually, I don't think just one fish one time will really—

JIN: Only one fish for you!

Meanwhile, KATE is at the STREAM. JACK approaches.

BOONE in a brief CAMEO: Why is someone who is NOT ME on the screen??? Do you realize it has been ten minutes since my last scene? These episodes are not that long, people!

JACK: Yes, I am well on my way to getting, in the last twenty minutes of the episode, more screentime than Boone, the so-called star.

KATE: Oh, it's you.

JACK: Hold out your hand!

KATE: Oh, I get it…this is a peace offering, right?

JACK: Well, actually it's a ploy to get another scene, but peace offering works too.

KATE: Do you listen to yourself when you speak?

JACK: No, other people do that.

Somewhere in the JUNGLE, BOONE and SHANNON are WANDERING.

BOONE: Finally!

SHANNON: Are we lost?

BOONE: My first scene in freakin' ten minutes and I'm freakin' lost. Great.

SHANNON: I hate Locke.

BOONE: Hey, Locke's my friend!

SHANNON: Um, five minutes ago you hated him.

BOONE: Well, if you think about it, he was really perfectly justified in knocking us out and leaving us to be terrorized by the monster—

SHANNON: You are such a wuss. I can't believe I ever slept with you.

AUDIENCE: …?

WRITERS: Dammit, you gave away the twist!

SHANNON: Like anybody even cared anymore.

WRITERS: Good point.

BOONE: Hatch! There's a hatch!

SHANNON: Yeah, don't care.

MONSTER: I'm ba-aack!

SHANNON: And I'm running away!

BOONE: You know, I have this theory that the monster is actually the Abominable Snowmon— Hey, wait up!

They proceed to RUN AWAY.

MONSTER: Ho-hum, must I chase these boring people again? Maybe mauling one of them to death will add a little spice! I pick the blond one!

SHANNON: Reeebleeeeuuaaauuurgh!

BOONE: Your "mauling" voice needs a little work. Wait. SHANNON!!

He has a FLASHBACK. He is in a HOTEL ROOM in SYDNEY. SHANNON arrives.

BOONE: Brian left? What a surprise. Didn't see that coming. From a mile away. No, make that two miles. Or three.

SHANNON: Whatever, I'm over it. And I'll be your stepsister seducer this evening!

BOONE: What? No. No, I will not—well, all right. I'll sleep with you.

SHANNON: What?

BOONE: You've convinced me.

SHANNON: No, but I'm supposed to go into this riff about how I know you've always been in love with me and—

BOONE: Why are we not making out already?

They have SEXUAL INTERCOURSE. Later…

SHANNON: Let's not tell anyone, okay?

BOONE: Why not? You're not embarrassed or something, are you?

SHANNON: No, of course not. Why would I be embarrassed about sleeping with a guy who's been my brother for twelve years, and who has freaky eyebrows and runs a subsidiary of a wedding company owned by his mom?

BOONE: Exactly.

SHANNON: Oh, God, I already regret it.

Back on the ISLAND, BOONE finds SHANNON'S MANGLED CORPSE lying in a STREAM.

BOONE: Boo-hoo! Oh boo-hoo-hoo!

SHANNON: Oh, quit the Jack imitation. You'll find a way to carry on.

BOONE: No, please, take me with you!

WRITER #2: I'm working on it. How do you feel about falling off a cliff?

BOONE: Too boring. Not heroic.

WRITER #2: What if you were in a little plane that fell off a cliff?

BOONE: Better. Let's do lunch.

SHANNON: Hey, I could use a little mourning here!

LATER, BOONE somehow manages to make his way back to the CAVES, where LOCKE is SITTING by his FIRE.

WRITERS: We didn't want to show three hours of Boone blundering around in the jungle.

BOONE: You killed her! I'll kill you!

LOCKE: Actually, it was all a hallucination! Look, there's Shannon right over there!

SHANNON: …so I was like, no way am I putting that thing in my mouth, and he…

BOONE: …Oh.

AUDIENCE: Well, I guess they had to use the "surprise, it was all a dream/hallucination!" angle once. I mean, this isn't "Scrubs" or something. Now it's out of their system and will never be seen again!

WRITERS: Right. Of course it won't.

LOCKE: You're welcome.

BOONE: For what?

LOCKE: Well, now that you've come to terms with your unhealthy obsession, you'll be able to move on and— Oh, forget it, let's get to the hatch.

BOONE: Just stick to the vague stories from now on, okay?

AUDIENCE: Thank God this episode is over.

LOST

AN: Another update, finally! I admit that I rushed through this episode in the last couple days, resorting to frequent writer-participation and mindless Jack- and Boone-bashing…and I actually don't dislike this episode all that much. I just wanted to finish so I could move on to my next episode.

Actually, I thought I might try something different and jump ahead a little. Like to Season 3. Like to episode 6 of Season 3. Because Nathan Fillion is in that episode, and all the Firefly jokes I could use have been running through my head since the episode aired, practically. Also, it would give me an excuse to closely scrutinize Nathan Fillion's scenes without feeling like a stalker. Not to mention re-watch my Firefly DVDs searching for ever more obscure references. (You might want to brush up on your Firefly—if you've never seen it you may be somewhat lost.)

So, do you guys think I should take a break from S1 and do this episode? I'd post it as another story, 'cause that would attract more new readers. (By the way, it doesn't really matter what you think, since I already downloaded the episode and it took like 10 hours because I stupidly didn't think to do it while I was still at school, so I got stuck with the crappy dial-up at home—I'm not letting that 10-hour download go to waste.)

Look for it hopefully possibly as soon as this weekend, the 6th or 7th. And then I'll do Special, and maybe Homecoming, before going back to school. Happy New Year!