A/N - First and foremost, thank you all for your patience. I didn't intend to take so long between chapters, but it is what it is. Thank you for hanging in there and thank you for reading, it means so much to me. This is another super-sized chapter to make up for the long absences.
Another huge thank you goes to my beta Sam/Alittlebitwicked, who gave me some amazing ideas and thoughts for this chapter. Her research into NYC apartments was invaluable. Thank youuuuuu.
Today I'm about to embark on my annual trip to Utah to visit my mommy. And when I get back, I hope to post an amazing last chapter for you all to enjoy. It's been a fascinating and amazing journey and thank you all for taking it with me.
When Sheldon was seven years old, he found himself in the middle of an intense summer tornado in Saragosa, a small town in West Texas. The family was visiting Grammie and Grandpa, Sheldon's grandparents on his father's side. Everyone was in the kitchen, making fried chicken for dinner and chocolate chip cookies for dessert. Sheldon wanted to go hide somewhere and read the science fiction novel he'd been devouring, but Mary said he had to spend time with the family. She didn't know what to do with such an intelligent son, but on vacation she was going to treat him just like her other children, even if she had to drag him kicking and screaming.
Everyone was watching the news on the black and white TV in the kitchen, all with a noticeable look of worry. Tornados were being predicted, and outside the sky was as black as night, even though it was only 2:15 in the afternoon.
"Are we going to have to hide underground?" Missy asked her mother, who was washing the dishes.
"I don't know, baby, maybe," Mary said. That's when they heard the tornado siren and all hell broke loose.
Mary rushed the kids into the underground shelter while her husband George helped bring Grammie and Grandpa, who didn't get around as well as they used to. Almost 30 years later, Sheldon still remembers the sound of the chaos of the sirens and the storm. It was the most ungodly noise he'd ever heard. Like a freight train roaring through invisible tracks in the sky. It haunted him to this day; almost once a month he'd wake up to a nightmare where a tornado was tearing through his life, causing death and destruction in its path. Grammie and Grandpa's house was spared, but just a mile down the road, almost a thousand people ended up losing their homes.
The sound Mary Cooper made when Sheldon reluctantly told her about his affair with Penny was nearly identical to sound of the tornado.
"YOU DID WHAT?" She practically screamed at her son. They were sitting at the kitchen table in Galveston on a hot summer day in August. Sheldon obviously hadn't planned on telling Mary about what happened, but he found himself blurting it all out anyway. He needed to confess; to cleanse his soul. And his mother was the only person in his life, aside from Penny and Meemaw (who was off somewhere doing water aerobics or something), that he could really talk to and trust.
Sheldon didn't even flinch. He was used to his mother's booming voice, although her wrath was usually directed towards Missy or George since Sheldon seldom caused her any trouble.
"Must I repeat myself?"
"Yes, Sheldon Lee Cooper, you must repeat yourself! This time, say it louder so God can hear you."
Sheldon neglected to state that God must have already known about his indiscretions and probably didn't need to hear the list again, but now was not the time.
He sighed. "Fine, if you insist. I had coitus. With Amy, whom I am-well, was-in a relationship with, and with Penny, who is-well, was-in a relationship with Leonard. And now everyone is mad at me and I'm not even sure if I'm even welcome in my own apartment right now."
"I can't believe it. You're telling me right now and I still can't believe it. I raised you better than this, Sheldon. What were you thinking?"
Sheldon shook his head. He couldn't answer that question because he didn't actually know the answer. The entire time he involved himself in coitus with Amy and Penny, he ignored the loud nagging in his head that kept reminding him that this was all wrong. He might not consider himself a Christian and he might not have ever taken church seriously, but regardless, that was how he was brought up. It was ingrained in him. But at the same time, it wasn't like he ever promised to remain a virgin until marriage-he simply never thought the opportunity would come up. And he was so intrigued and fascinated by the notion of a physical relationship, he didn't stop to think about why it was wrong. Why he might not be mentally prepared to take on such a thing. Why he was even doing it in the first place. Maybe the affair was about rebellion. Or maybe he'd been so focused on scientific matters his whole life that morals and values and beliefs were thrown out the window the minute Penny kissed him for the first time.
Sheldon had all these thoughts in the space of seconds while he sat at his mother's kitchen table in Texas. There was so much to think about, and he was doing it after the fact. He wanted to go back. He wanted to change everything. But that wasn't possible.
Before Sheldon could question his entire existence, Mary said, "You know, I like that Penny. She has a good head on her shoulders and she's a nice girl. But I'm sure it was this was all her idea. What I don't know is why you went along with it."
"It wasn't her idea," Sheldon muttered.
"Excuse me?"
"It wasn't her idea! I came to her for advice on how to advance my relationship with Amy, and it progressed rapidly. And it got out of hand and I deeply regret my actions."
"Well, you should, Sheldon. Sex before marriage is a sin. Not just a tiny little sin. A BIG ONE! And I am disappointed in you. Your sister and brother, well, I expect something like this from them. You, however, are different. And my heart is broken."
"Mother, I know you're angry with me. I am angry with myself. But please, I already feel bad enough; must you also yell so loudly?"
Mary was relentless.
"Why do you feel bad, Sheldon? Did you think any of this was going to end well? Did you think eventually you were going to be able to forgive yourself? Get yourself out of the mess you're in? Because there's no turning back now."
Sheldon cringed. This is why he came here. He needed the brutal truth. He needed to face the facts.
"I feel bad because Leonard is so angry with me. Amy won't talk to me. Penny is apparently moving to New York City to get away from me. I fell in love with her and now she's leaving, and I hurt Amy and I've never hurt a female so deeply before, and I shouldn't have even tried to have an adult relationship. My life is physics. Proving things. Discovering things. Learning things. That is what my life is about and I shouldn't have thought anything different."
Mary's face finally relaxed and Sheldon exhaled.
"Oh, Shelly. You were never any good at this romance stuff. Your father and I should have prepared you better but you always had more important things to worry about."
Sheldon nodded. "I don't know why I thought I could maintain not one, but two relationships simultaneously. I should have known better."
Mary couldn't help it-she chuckled. Sheldon frowned at his mother laughing at his pain.
"Oh, I'm sorry, baby, but you have to admit it's kind of funny. Obviously you're going to have to pray for forgiveness, but I think God has a sense of humor. My little boy goes from never kissing anyone and then suddenly has two girlfriends at the same time. What a little troublemaker I've raised. My goodness."
Sheldon was not amused. "Mother. Instead of mocking me...can you please help me? I don't know what to do."
Mary put her hand on his. "What do you want to do, Shelly? Let's start with that."
"I want to go home and work and forget all this happened."
"You can't do that. Sheldon, look at me."
Sheldon reluctantly looked at his mother.
"You can't ignore this. You can't pretend it didn't happen. What do you want to do?"
"I want Penny," he said quietly. "I want to start over. I want to court her and bring her flowers and have a real relationship with her. That's what I want."
Mary sighed and shook her head. "Oh, honey, that's not going to work. Too much has happened. Too many bridges have been burned. You just said she was moving to New York. I'm sure it's for her career, and you don't want to stop her from doing that, do you?"
"No. It's important to her."
"Of course it is. Maybe...maybe you should talk to Amy."
"Mother, she hates me. And I don't blame her. And I don't-I don't love her. Isn't that important? I know I don't know much about the human condition, but according to my friends and popular music and every television show I watch, love is the most important thing. It conquers all. Shouldn't that be what I want?"
"I'm not saying propose to the girl, Shelly. Talk to her. I know your work is the most important thing to you right now. A nice girl like Amy won't interfere with that. She has her own work to do. The two of you can work and write your articles and win your prizes and maybe someday the love will happen on its own. Penny may be the woman you want to be with, but you messed up, honey. You have to do the right thing now."
That was almost exactly the same advice Raj had given him at the wedding. Sheldon knew it made sense, but it rubbed him the wrong way. Why did he have to settle for something else when he knew what he wanted?
"But, mother..."
Mary put a finger on his lip, something she used to do to shut him up as a child.
"Penny is leaving California behind because she knows she messed this up just as badly as you did. She's taking responsibility. Now you don't have to call Amy, but let me ask you something: when you get up to accept that Nobel Prize of yours, who is going to be in the audience to watch you receive it? Besides me."
Sheldon didn't say anything. He understood what his mother was saying. Penny had her own life and she was going to New York to live it. But he had to stay behind and deal with the hand life had dealt him. He did care for Amy and she would be a good partner for his life goals. It was a simple decision. It's just not the one he wanted to make.
One month later
"I think we should call a truce. No longer will we fight over the same man. We're better than him, that self-righteous bastard. We both dump him. We start over. We move on. What do you think?"
"I think that's the best idea you've ever had. It'll be nice to start over, won't it?"
The two women smiled at each other, hiding years of secrets and pain and betrayal.
April was the first to take a sip of wine. Angie chuckled "I hope you like the glass of wine. It'll be your last."
April did not look surprised. "Well, in that case, I hope you liked your steak. It was...well done."
And then the two women keeled over, fell out of their chairs onto the cold, hard floor, and died. And that was the end of Penny's soap opera career.
Bernadette squealed. "Oh, wow! You went Hamlet on each other? On a soap opera? That is so much fun!"
"Isn't it? It was Elena's idea. Once we said we were leaving, the writers were totally over us anyway. They actually wanted us to go out like Thelma and Louise, but Elena pitched the Hamlet thing and they loved it. Of course that means we can't come back, but I think we're okay with that."
Raj took a swallow of wine and said, "That was truly inspired. I might even continue to watch even though you're gone. I have to see what happens to Hunter Hudson now! He's so dreamy."
Penny laughed. "I suspect he'll unleash his nasty breath on some other unsuspecting young actress with ample cleavage."
"Lucky bastard," Raj muttered.
The three of them were sitting on Penny's sofa, watching her last episode of Fire Lake. Penny had apparently won Raj and Bernadette in the custody battle of friends. Bernadette tried to reassure her by insisting that Howard was just busier than usual, but Penny knew Howard was choosing to stay loyal to Leonard. Although Penny had ultimately grown somewhat fond of Howard, she wasn't all that torn up about it.
Penny got up and walked to the kitchen to get another bottle of wine out of the refrigerator. Not that she needed it, but it was kind of a special occasion.
She surveyed her beloved apartment from the kitchen. Almost everything was in boxes. Bernadette and Raj had come over earlier to help her pack. She was moving in less than a week. In some ways she accomplished the dream she had when she came to California—become an actress and find romance. The actress part finally happened. The romance did, too, just not the way she'd hoped. Penny decided to make a promise to herself. In New York, she'd only focus on her career. If the romance happened, so be it. But she wasn't going to pursue it. No, that never ended well for her.
While she poured herself and Bernadette another glass, Raj came up and said, "One more glass, please." He shoved his bottle over to her and she looked at him curiously.
"Don't you have to drive home, buddy?"
Raj sighed. "Oh, please, can I stay here tonight? I promise I'll stay on the couch, you won't even notice I'm here."
"Why? Is he driving you crazy again?"
"He read one of Stephen Hawking's books and he won't shut up about M Theory. I swear, it's the only thing he ever talks about anymore. Well, that and the Nobel Prize. I don't know how Leonard did it, I really don't."
"Very carefully," Penny muttered.
Sheldon had been living with Raj for the past month. At some point, he and Leonard would have to talk things over and figure out what to do about their living arrangement, but that time hadn't come yet. One of the things Penny felt the worst about was destroying Leonard and Sheldon's friendship. It hadn't been perfect but they had an arrangement that worked for them, for the most part. And now they weren't even speaking. Their affair had taken a toll on everyone. They'd all be dealing with the fallout for a long, long time.
"You can stay. Bernadette is staying, too. It can be like a slumber party."
Raj smiled and nodded happily. "My first boy-girl slumber party! How exciting."
"Don't get too excited...if you fall asleep first, we won't be afraid to draw a penis on your face."
"Or a face on your penis," Bernadette drunkenly added.
Raj's smile disappeared and he took a huge sip of wine.
They all settled back onto the sofa and watched the movie Bernadette rented, Keeping the Faith. Penny thought she'd find Ed Norton and Ben Stiller to be a welcome distraction to all the crap going on inside her head, but she found herself identifying with the movie way more than expected.
Penny figured they all knew she was eventually going to ask the question, so when she did, it was actually a relief.
"Raj, does Sheldon ever…does he ever talk about me?
"Talk about you? No, he doesn't." Raj didn't mince words.
"Oh. Well. Good, that's good. He's moving on. He should move on. You know. It's healthy. That's great. How's Amy doing?"
Penny hadn't talked to her former friend at all since Amy had marched out the door of her apartment. She was always tempted to write her an email or even call her, but that was one friendship she didn't think was resilient enough to bounce back. And Penny felt bad about that, but she had plenty of other things to focus on-like her life that was waiting for her in New York. And the man she missed with the entirety of her soul.
Raj and Bernadette shared a look that made Penny question her entire existence.
"What? What is that? Come on, what's going on?"
Bernadette sighed. "I'll tell her, Raj. Penny, Amy and Sheldon are kind of…back together. They had a long talk when he came back from Texas. She didn't want to accept his apology but somehow he convinced her. They've been spending a lot of time with each other, actually. More than he ever did before. They're talking about moving in together. It's kind of a thing."
Penny had never been so surprised and heartbroken and confused and angry in her entire life. This is what happens when you mess with fate. This is what happens when what goes around, comes around. She had broken Leonard's heart and now her heart was breaking. But it was going to be okay…she would stay strong. She wouldn't crumble. Things had changed. She was moving. Moving out, moving on. It was time to accept responsibility for messing up her life and deal with the consequences.
"Oh. How lovely. That's nice for them, I suppose."
"Penny…"
"No, it's fine. Really, I'm good. Let's watch the rest of the movie, okay?"
Raj and Bernadette knew Penny was not fine, but they didn't call her out on it and she was grateful.
But soon her attention drifted from the movie and she started obsessing again. It was devastating, really. How could he go back to her? How could Amy take him back? Why couldn't she forgive Penny when she forgave Sheldon so quickly? Penny didn't understand. Couldn't understand.
After Raj had fallen asleep curled up in a chair and Bernadette passed out on the bed, Penny contemplated what her next step should be. Fueled by her heartbreak and an entire bottle of wine, she opened the door and crossed the hall with a sense of purpose. Penny knocked on the door and waited.
Eventually Leonard came to the door in his bathrobe and ruffled hair.
He took a look at her and shook his head. "He's not here. It's 3 AM. Go to bed."
"I know he's not. I came to talk to you."
"Oh, lucky me! No thanks. I have nothing to say."
Penny was indignant and determined. And still a little drunk.
"Well, I have a few things to say. Can I please come in? Just for a few minutes."
Leonard was quiet for a moment. She didn't know what he was thinking about. It was unnerving.
"Is this really necessary? I'm trying—do we really need to do this?"
"I'm moving to New York City in three days, Leonard. I just want to get a few things off my chest. Then I promise, you will never have to hear from me again."
Leonard sighed and looked defeated. Maybe it was wrong to think, but she knew he'd always have a tiny bit of a weakness for her. She wasn't trying to exploit that. All she wanted to do was talk.
"Okay. Ten minutes. I'm serious, Penny."
Penny followed him inside. Leonard sat at his computer desk. She pulled up a chair from Sheldon's desk and sat next to him. It took her a few minutes to compose herself and to think of what she really wanted to say. Maybe Leonard was too tired to speak, or maybe he just didn't care, but he sat quietly and waited for her to talk.
"I'm sorry."
Leonard didn't respond. She didn't expect him to, but a little acknowledgement might have been nice.
"There are many things I'm sorry for, but I'm mostly sorry that I hurt you. I was selfish and impulsive and everything I did was wrong. I don't have any excuses. No good ones, anyway. I am sorry, and I will always be sorry for the way I handled this."
Leonard nodded but didn't look impressed.
"If that's all you got, you could have saved yourself a trip."
"A trip? I live like four inches away, Leonard." She waited for him to correct her; tell her exactly how many inches away they lived from each other, but he was quiet. He wasn't going to make this easy for her.
"The truth is, I don't have much more than that. I'm just sorry. I'm sorry we couldn't work it out. It would have been a good story, wouldn't it? We were star-crossed neighbors who finally made it work. I never intended for it to end this way. You're a good man, and I ruined everything. I'm sorry."
"It's…none of that really means anything to me, Penny. I appreciate that you're sorry, and I know you feel bad. But I doubt you could ever feel as bad about it as I do. I thought you were the one. I told Sheldon within five minutes of meeting you that we were going to have beautiful and smart babies. I wanted to grow old with you. I wanted to have grandchildren with you. And you never wanted that. With me, anyway. You know, for the most part I was pretty sure it would never happen. But I clung to the part of you that maybe seemed like it could."
Penny didn't know what to say. None of this was news to her, really, although the grandchildren part was new. But it still broke her heart just a little bit more. It really was over. But what he said next surprised her. In a good way.
"But for what it's worth…I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry for what I said that night. Things got out of hand and I said things I regret. I never thought you were a whore. I've always respected the side of you that was so outgoing and happy and friendly. I've never been that way, and it made me feel insecure. That was a big problem in our relationship and I hope I'm capable of finding out why I'm like that and fixing it before the next woman comes along."
Penny smiled and rose from Sheldon's computer. She sat on Leonard's desk and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He pretended like it annoyed him but he was smiling just a little bit.
"I'm sure that will be very, very soon," she said. "You're a catch, Leonard Hofstadter."
"That's what they tell me," he said sadly. "Hey, good luck in New York. It's going to be weird having someone else live across the hall."
"I know. But I have to do it. Not just for my career, but…well, you know."
Leonard nodded grimly. "I do."
They both got up and they walked to her door. Penny gave him another kiss on the cheek, which he returned.
Before she went in, she grabbed the sleeve of his bathrobe.
"Leonard…give him a break. He just got so caught up in everything—it wasn't entirely his fault. Just talk to him, okay? As a parting gift for me?"
"I'll think about it," he said. Penny knew she wasn't going to get anything else out of him. So she gave him one last smile and disappeared into her apartment. It was going to be a long, long time before she ever saw Leonard again, and that was much sadder than she realized.
Six months later
It was a moment of weakness. Everyone was allowed to have a few. He'd been so good for so long and now he was having a moment of weakness.
Sheldon stared at the email he was writing. Amy was asleep in his bed but he wasn't tired. Too much on his mind. Maybe sending the email would give him closure. Maybe it would only make things worse.
March 19th, 2012
3:19 AM
To: Pennyblossom
From: DrSheldonCooper
Subject: Garth Brooks
When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love
I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong
I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love
The storms are raging on the rollin' sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet
I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love
Penny – Excuse me for quoting this song that actually I have always found quite trite; however, it seems to accurately describe my mind set this evening.
Just for the record…I haven't seen you in seven months, thirteen days, 11 hours.
And something has come over me tonight; something I don't know how to define. I shouldn't write this email to you…I shouldn't even be thinking about you. But I've been pondering it, and I've decided that even if man was capable of creating a device that wiped the subconscious free of any unwanted, painful memories (like in that strange and implausible movie you made me watch so many years ago), I wouldn't want to partake in the experience. Because when all is said and done, I wouldn't want to forget you and the way you made me feel.
I suppose the main reason I'm writing this email is because today I was informed that I have, in fact, won the Nobel Prize for physics. I received a phone call a few hours ago. Tomorrow I'll be doing interviews all day. The ceremony is in a few months in Sweden. In Alfred Nobel's will, he said the Nobel Prize for physics should be awarded to "the person who shall have made the most important discovery or invention within the field of physics". This year, that person is me. I've waited for this since I was four years old. I've practiced my speech in front of the mirror hundreds of times. And I'm so disappointed that you aren't here to share it with me. I suppose that is my fault. And I will always regret that.
On a different subject entirely, I'm sorry I did not answer your email or try to contact you so many months ago. But please rest assured, I think about you much more than I'm comfortable with. See, I'm ending sentences in prepositions; that's how distracted I am by your absence. I didn't answer it at the time because I had no idea what to say. How to express myself. And looking back on it, what would it have accomplished, anyway? We had to move on. It didn't—doesn't—matter how I felt because we did this all wrong. If we wanted to be together, we should have done it the hard way. I regret that. More than you will ever know. I never got to tell you that I loved you; I never really had the chance. But I think we both know I do. I'm sorry I'm writing this in an email and not saying it to your face. You deserve more.
Well, I've taken enough of your time. I just wanted to say that I hope you're doing well in New York and it's everything you want it to be. Everything you deserve. I hope to make it to one of your plays someday.
Love, Sheldon Lee Cooper
"Sheldon? What are you doing out there? Come back to bed, my big Nobel winning stud!" Amy's husky voice summoned him from the bedroom. Most of the time he enjoyed being with Amy again; he was grateful she forgave him and they were able to get their relationship back on track. But tonight he only wanted to hear one voice…but it was too far away and always would be.
"Yes, dear," he said. He glanced at his email again. There was something missing.
PS – You said that you loved how I knew every word of every song at the concert. During this particular song, you had your eyes closed and your head down and you gripped my hand so tight, I thought it would fall off. Sometimes I play this song and think of that moment. I just thought you should know.
That was it. That was what he wanted to say. He knew he shouldn't send it. It was fine and good to write something like this and then delete it. He didn't need to send it out into the universe. Hadn't he learned anything from the affair? Not to mention what Penny would think. How it would make her feel. It was better to delete it and leave well enough alone. But then…Penny wouldn't know. She wouldn't know he was thinking about her. Somehow Sheldon managed to convince himself that she deserved to know.
So he closed his eyes, took a breath, and pressed send.
It was Spring in New York City and Penny was in love.
She was in love with the weather and the trees and the blooming flowers and wearing sweaters and boots and all the things she couldn't get away with in Southern California. Actual seasons, how refreshing!
She was in love with her career. The play was so much different from the soap opera. She felt like she was actually acting. On the streets, she'd get recognized from both the soap opera and the play and it made her feel like she was on top of the world. Sometimes she'd even get her own paparazzi. Obviously she was still weary of them since the "Incident", but she was also excited about her new burst of fame. Hopefully this was just the beginning.
She was in love with the apartment she shared with Elena. When she first thought about moving to New York, she imagined some shitty, broken down, roach infested place in Brooklyn, but Elena had a different plan. Her aunt, a former soap opera actress herself, had married some rich old man from Spain and didn't want to sell her apartment in this disaster of a real estate market. So she was letting Elena and Penny stay there for a year or two while they got on their feet. It was a brownstone that had an amazing view of Central Park and Penny had no idea how they got so lucky. Millions of people would literally kill to live in a place like this. And here she was, a hick from Nebraska, and she was living in the big city, making plays and living her dream.
Penny was walking home from the American Natural History Museum, which was three blocks from the apartment. She had a warm cup of coffee in her hand and a glow to her cheeks. As she came up to her block, she couldn't stop smiling. This really was her life.
Inside the apartment, she set her keys on the bronze table by the door and took a look at the weird and fabulous place she called home. The décor was a mix of Penny, Elena, and Elena's aunts tastes, so it didn't exactly match, but somehow it was just perfect. The walls were red in most of the rooms, but black in the kitchen and in Elena's room. There was a window seat, deep purple and incredibly comfortable, in the living room that Penny loved to lounge on and look out the window and contemplate her amazing life.
The rest of the apartment was a sight to behold. Penny always got a kick out of Elena's bedroom. The black walls were just the beginning. Elena had a four-poster bed with a metallic gray comforter and blood red drapes. She had a desk in the corner, a bookshelf filled with Ray Bradbury and Stephen King and some odd romance novels thrown in for variety. She had a light encased in a black shell that hung from the ceiling, and a black rug on the hardwood floor. It was Elena's sanctuary, and when she wasn't at the theater or on a date, she was in her room, writing or listening the Violent Femmes or Madonna (Elena's fashion and everything else icon). Elena didn't have a TV. After leaving Fire Lake, she didn't want anything to do with TV, even owning one.
The hallway of the apartment was painted a deep red and had framed pictures lining it. Some were personal pictures of Penny and Elena, but mostly they were cheap prints they bought at flea markets or wherever else they could obtain art for a good deal. They weren't exactly raking in the dough yet, so they couldn't afford anything as nice as they'd like.
Penny's bedroom was her haven. She had fairy lights hanging from the ceiling, which made everything twinkle. She pined after the bed Elena had, but meanwhile her bed was perfectly efficient. The frame was dark brown and low to the ground, and her comforter was dark blue and soft and warm and she loved it. She also had a desk, which she was currently using to write her own play. It was hard; she wasn't a natural writer, but she had so many ideas she wanted to put out into the world. To satisfy her inner teenager, she had a Hello Kitty lamp that Elena like to endlessly make fun of but Penny loved it so it stayed.
She had an oak dresser next to her bed and in front of the bed, a small flat screen TV that she hardly ever turned on. Her DVDs were on a shelf under the TV, but they were mostly neglected. Sometimes she'd have an urge to break out the Star Trek season one DVDs that Leonard gave her for Christmas once, but that would just bring up too many memories and she was trying as hard as she could to mentally stay in the present.
Penny threw away her coffee and poured herself a glass of wine. It had been a long day and tomorrow was going to be even longer. She settled into one of the overstuffed purple love seats in the living room and drank her wine slowly. And finally, after she had taken a few minutes to enjoy the stillness of the empty apartment, did she think about his email.
For the most part, Penny had put the affair and any lingering thoughts of Sheldon behind her. She was actually getting some therapy now and her counselor was helping her put the whole thing in perspective. But sometimes, when the sun was shining on her bed a certain way or the wind blew the trees in a certain way; her thoughts would drift back to him. Sheldon's lips. Sheldon's hands. Sheldon's moan when she slightly nipped his collarbone. The way he felt on top of her. His desire for her; the way he explored her body like he was studying it for science. The way she could talk to him at the end of a long day and felt like, even though he might not share her feelings or understand what she was going through, that he got her. Like he was the only one who did. Oh, she did miss him. But that was another lifetime ago. She was embracing the present and it was working for her.
Penny pulled up the email on her phone. When she woke up this morning, she'd knocked on Elena's door and went into the kitchen to get some coffee. Elena soon joined her. They chatted about the play and Elena's date the night before (which obviously hadn't gone as Elena planned because she woke up alone) and whether Penny should ask out Doug Jackson, the assistant producer of the play. He was giving her major vibes, but Penny was really trying to stay single for a while. Focus on herself and her career. Work on getting rid of her baggage.
After her two obligatory cups of coffee, Elena ran out to buy the two of them some bagels. Penny checked her email on her phone. And her heart literally stopped beating (okay, maybe not literally) when she saw Sheldon's email. Because no matter how much therapy she received and how hard she was working to establish herself for the present and forget the past, she still hoped every single day that she'd hear from Sheldon. Every day she'd wish for an email from him and every day she was disappointed. She almost thought she was seeing things until she put her glasses on and looked again. Nope, there it was. Sheldon had finally emailed her.
And it was a beautiful email. And she wanted to run back to California and throw her arms around him and kiss him with more passion than either of them had ever experienced. But it also annoyed her. Frustrated her. Pissed her off. Penny had spoken to Bernadette last week, and Bernadette reluctantly admitted that Sheldon and Amy had moved in together and Amy was constantly talking about getting married. How could he write her this email? How could he still have those feelings for her? Was he trying to screw everything up again? Ugh, he was so infuriating sometimes!
Elena returned with the bagels and gave Penny her usual onion bagel with garlic cream cheese. Good thing Penny wasn't intending to make out with anyone in her near future.
"What's wrong, Penny? You look like you've seen the ghost of Christmas past. He isn't here now, is he? I am not dressed appropriately to see a ghost today."
Penny rolled her eyes. "Oh, nothing. Just an email from Sheldon, that's all."
Elena gasped. "Let me see. Let me see it right now. What an idiot."
Penny showed her the phone. A few months ago she wouldn't have even told Elena about the email, but they were together practically 24/7 now. They lived together, worked together, laughed together. They were legitimately best friends. And not the kind that Amy coveted so badly, but the kind of friendship that would last forever. They didn't have any secrets. It was one of the most rewarding relationships Penny had ever had.
"Wow. That kid's got balls, I'll say that for him. I can't believe he wrote this. He got a fucking Nobel Prize? Jesus, Penny. I don't even know what to say. Are you going to answer it?"
"No. I learned my lesson. He might not care about causing trouble but I do."
Elena nodded. "Good plan. I admire your restraint."
"Thanks. It's not easy."
And it wasn't. Somehow she managed to hardly think about it at all during the day. She was so busy; it was easy to focus on everything else. But now it was the end of the day and it was quiet and she missed him so much that she could barely breathe. She would not answer it. Nothing good would come from answering it.
Penny went to her room, brushed her teeth and took off her make-up, and collapsed in bed. It was only 9:30, but she was so very tired. She drifted to sleep, determined to ignore Sheldon's email just like he ignored hers.
But she sprung out of bed at 2:37 AM and bounced over to her desk. She turned on her laptop and opened her mail. She stared at Sheldon's email for a long, long time. And finally, Penny started typing.
Sheldon- Congratulations on the Nobel Prize! That is absolutely amazing, but we all had faith in you from the beginning. What an amazing thing to achieve at such a young age. School children are going to be reading about you in their textbooks someday. Little boys and girls will aspire to be just like you. You have definitely left a mark on this world.
Thank you for your kind words. That particular Garth song has been my favorite for a long, long time. It means a lot to me that you would think of me when you hear it. I think of you during really random times of the day. Sometimes it makes me happy. Sometimes it doesn't.
That being said, I have to admit I don't understand the intention of your email. Maybe I do have some of the same feelings that you described, but what's the point of acknowledging them? I know you're with Amy. You know I'm in New York, trying to make something out of nothing.
Sheldon, I know you like brevity so I'll get right to the point. As hard as I've tried to deny it, I am still in love with you. I have been for a long time. I don't even know how long. And even though I try to convince myself I don't want to be with you again, the fact is, if you showed up in New York with roses tied with ribbon, I'd welcome you back into my arms. But until that moment; until you find the balls to break up with Amy, until you can commit to being with me with no distractions or obstacles, I'd like it if you didn't email me again. It's too hard. I feel like I've made so much progress and a few words from you can so easily fuck it all up.
I genuinely hope that you're happy and healthy. I wish nothing but the best for you. If you're committed to Amy, I hope you two can make it work. I'm rooting for you—after overcoming so much drama, you guys deserve to be happy together.
Congrats again on the Nobel Prize. You are the smartest man I know, even if you aren't the most courageous.
Sincerely…Penny.
She pressed send, held her face in her hands and cried for 20 minutes, and then went back to sleep. It was over. Truly over. And nothing would ever be the same.