Author's Notes – Not mine. I have no claim to the character of NCIS: LA.
I want to apologize for taking so long to update this story. I really have not forgotten about it. I ran into some serious writer's block and have really fought to get this chapter to a level that I find acceptable. I got about three pages in and ended up starting over because it just seemed too forced. In the end, I opted to combine my first and second attempts to create this chapter.
I hope you all enjoy. I will be working over the next several days to get the next couple chapters down so there isn't as long of a break between the next few chapters. Please read and review!
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Pulling onto the highway, the car is silent with the exception of the low hum motor is making. Not entirely sure talking is the right course of action; Callen reaches forward to turn on the radio in an attempt to fill the silence. He stops when he feels Nell's hand over his and looks in her direction. She never takes her eyes off the road; only gives his hand a gentle squeeze. Figuring she isn't interested in music at the moment, he pulls his hand back. Nell lets go of his hand and he hears her take a deep breath as he is turns to look out the window.
After several minutes, Callen gives a glance in her direction and speaks softly. "We going anywhere in particular?" He watches as she contemplates the question, but doesn't push for an answer. It's been a long few days and they are both pretty spent; emotionally and mentally. Callen thinks back to Kensi's words and decides to just let the car fall into silence until Nell is ready to break it.
She fights to keep her emotions in check as she struggles to keep quiet despite the fact that just about every fiber of her being is screaming at her to just give in. The thought of putting everything out there makes her physically sick to her stomach, but Nell also knows she owes the team some sort of explanation. Hell, she owes Callen an explanation if nothing else. She thinks back to the list she made earlier and contemplates whether to just hand it to him. That would eliminate the need to speak and Nell considers whether she could convince her brain she never shared those details.
The more she thinks about what her next move should be, the more anxious she becomes. As if just breaking from a trance, she notices Callen is watching her closely. Nell realizes as she pulls into the parking lot that she must have been on auto-pilot because she has no memory of how she ended up driving to this location or why. Putting the car into park, she leans her head into the steering wheel as she wills herself to calm down.
Callen is most definitely confused by their destination. He looks around at the buildings before looking at Nell. Seeing her leaning against his steering wheel, he silently questions how to proceed. Needing some sort of direction, he gently places his hand on Nell's shoulder and immediately regrets his decision as she jumps at his touch.
In one swift move, Nell's hand shoves his away and she quickly gets out of the car. He mentally chastises himself as he retrieves the keys from the ignition and gets out to join her. Locking the car, he walks over to where she is standing in the grass. He waits as she regains her composure and approaches her only when he is certain she has calmed down.
Opting to stand at arm's length, Callen finds himself at a loss for words. He doesn't know what to say or hell what to even do. It's like every move he makes is wrong and all his intentions are misread. Deciding it is probably better to just let her come to him, he finds a spot under a nearby tree and sits down to wait.
He knows there is some sort of link between Herrold and Nell, but he can't get her to talk about the connection. Callen is guessing he was on the right track when he was trying to look into her past. She had such a strong reaction that Callen knows he hit a nerve. Frustrated with his lack of competence in regards to the situation, he leans his head back against the tree and tries to steady his breathing. The last thing Nell needs is seeing Callen frustrated.
Out of nowhere, he hears Nell speaking. Afraid to look at her and risk making her uncomfortable, he simply looks down at the blades of grass as he listens. "I have no idea how to do this. Geez, I'm not entirely sure why we even ended up here. It's like my body was on auto-pilot because I can't even remember the drive from the safe house to where we are." She drops her body on the ground near Callen and lets out a heavy sigh. "I'm sorry you got dragged into all this."
The motion of Callen's hand pulling the blades of grass comes to an abrupt stop as he hears her apology. Trying not to jump straight to frustration, he rubs his free hand through his hair before speaking. "You have nothing to apologize for Nell. Nothing at all." He is struggling to keep his voice even as she makes it sound like it is some chore for him to be here with her. He can't imagine being anywhere else.
Looking over in her direction, he sees her eyes fixed at something in the distance. Callen leans towards her small frame as he tries to find the right words for this moment. "Nell, look at me." He sees her struggle with the request, but he doesn't let that sway him. It is imperative that she understand why he is there and how important it is to him that she knows he is here for her no matter how long it takes. Tentatively reaching out he touches her arm in an attempt to gain her attention. "Please, I need you to look at me."
She turns her body and slowly complies with his request. Locking eyes with him, she mentally prepares for what he is going to say. Her mind is so jumbled right now and her emotions are right at the forefront which is the last place she wants them to be. The state she is currently in makes her so much more vulnerable than she wants to be and she is struggling with her own mind as it works to rebuild the walls before anything else happens.
Once she makes eye contact with him, Callen confidently and with purpose. "There is nowhere else I would rather be right now than here with you. I know this is hard for you and I would love to say I understand why, but all I can do is guess about why you keep pushing me away." He sees her immediately tense as he realizes she thinks he is pushing for a revelation of some kind. "I don't expect you to tell me anything you aren't ready to say. Just don't feel like you need to apologize."
Taking a chance, he reaches out and claims her hand in his. "You are more important to me than you are ready to believe and I get that. I just need to you to not shut me out. At least try not to shut me out." He looks down at their joined hands as he gently rubs his thumb over her soft skin. He takes a deep intake of air as he lifts his eyes to find hers once again. "I'm not asking you to tell me everything or even anything. Please, just let me be here for you." Callen hopes Nell can at least trust him to stay by her side until she is ready to let him in completely.
Nell can see in his eyes that Callen is being honest. Possibly more importantly, she can feel he is being honest. For the first time in way too long, she wants something more than just
friendship with a man. If she could find a way to let herself trust him, then she knows he would protect her against anything and everything that came their way. That's how he is. G. Callen, above almost any other man, protects those he cares about.
She offers him a soft smile and squeezes his hand as she speaks from her heart, "There is so much confusion in my head right now that I can't even trust myself. Things that I should know aren't even there anymore. I have pushed some stuff so far away in my head that I wasn't even able to see what I should have known was a threat." Nell can see the confusion on his face as he struggles to understand what she is trying to say. "I am trying to make sense of everything in my head. I just need more time."
He takes a calculated risk and moves his hand to her face lightly stroking her cheek. He watches as she lets her guard down and leans into his hand. Callen feels completely overwhelmed by the surge of feelings the gesture causes and fights the urge to pull her into an embrace. Not wanting to push her any further as well as not trusting himself in the moment, Callen pulls his hand away from her face as he stands offering his hand for her to take. "How 'bout we walk a little."
Nell takes his hand long enough for him to pull her to a standing position. She immediately misses the intimacy of his hand on her face and wishes it was possible to go back in time. It would so much easier for everyone involved if she could just erase the past. One event in time that has had more ramifications than any other in her life. She never really expected it to cause so much pain to so many others and questions whether all of this could have been stopped all those years ago had she just been braver.
They walk alongside each other taking in the sights in silence. As they walk down yet another sidewalk, Callen sees a restaurant and glances at his watch realizing he is hungry. Seeing it almost noon, he looks over at Nell as she pulls out her phone to take a photo. "Do you see that over there? It's really pretty, don't you think?" As he nods his head, Nell offers him one of the first real smiles he has seen for several days.
He gives her a moment to snap the picture before he speaks, "You hungry?" He gestures to the left at a small restaurant. "It looks like it's got the typical cafe stuff like sandwiches and coffee. Maybe, they even have some halfway decent tea." She tries not to laugh as she realizes he is trying to make it sound as appealing as possible in hopes of getting her to walk inside the doors.
He braces himself for her to say she's not hungry and refuse to eat. She looks up at him putting on her best version of a serious face and speaks evenly. "I don't know Callen." He reaches for her arm as he starts to speak, but his words are interrupted by hers. "I'm going to have to insist you pay if I agree to go in there with you." She lets out the laugh she's been holding as she sees the relief wash over his face.
Shaking his head and joining her in laughter, he grabs her arm guiding her towards the entrance. "Not nice, Nell. Not nice at all." He is glad to see she is relaxing a bit and as they move through the small establishment, he lets himself enjoy the normalcy of the moment. They find a quiet spot along the side of the restaurant and start looking through the menus. After ordering their food, Callen and Nell sit back enjoying quiet conversation about nothing in particular as they wait for their food to arrive.
The waitress brings their meals and they settle back enjoying the ambiance. When the waitress comes back to bring their check, Nell inquires about local events. "Is there anything close to the area to fill some free time. Anything special going on?" The waitress thinks for a minute and then lets them know about a small street fair that is happening about ten minutes down the road. She tells them there are several vendors and some small games set up through the rest of the day.
Nell thanks her and glances over at Callen. She isn't entirely sure he would be interested in a street fair and is pleasantly surprised when he speaks before she can. "Sounds like fun. You interested?" Street fairs aren't typically Callen's first choice of something to kill time, but he noticed a small glimmer in Nell's eyes as the waitress spoke and he is more than willing to do anything if it will help take her mind off of everything.
She looks at Callen in surprise and silently questions him. He smiles and stands up offering his hand once again. After Nell excuses herself to use the restroom, he goes to pay the bill. As they walk back towards the car, Nell finally speaks up. "Are you sure, Callen. I can't imagine a street fair is something you are really that interested in checking out." He sees her stop walking as she questions him and he does as he turns to face her.
He thinks for a moment before speaking, "It's fine, Nell. Honestly it isn't something I would go to on my own, but I am willing to try it if you interested." Callen knows she enjoys these types of events and finds himself a bit eager to see it through her perspective. Gesturing his head towards the parking lot, he starts walking again.
They reach the car and she offers the keys to Callen. He takes the keys and unlocks the doors before walking around to the driver's side. As he reaches to open his door, he hears the lock engage and looks inside the car to see a very amused Nell. Using the key to unlock his own door, he slides in the seat and gives her an equally amused expression. "Really? It's like being in the car with Deeks."
She simply shrugs as she tries to stifle a laugh. She puts on her seat belt and waits for Callen to start the car. As the car pulls out of the parking area, Nell watches the scenery changes. She is happy to be away from the chaos and is pleasantly surprised at just how relaxed the day is making her. It's just after one when they find the street fair in full swing. Callen pays a young boy who is collecting money in exchange for parking at a local business. They smile at him as he bids them good day.
As they approach the first of many vendors, Nell stops to look at the items for sale. Callen watches her as she makes a myriad of faces while she searches the display. He laughs as she starts to talk under her breath to no one in particular. She turns to look at him as her hand goes to rest on her hip. She smiles at him as she speaks, "Something funny, Callen?"
Callen puts his hands up in front of his chest as he shakes his head. "I don't think I have ever seen you make half those faces, especially in under five minutes." She smacks his arm lightly as she moves to the next display. He is enjoying the change of pace and is starting to understand why Nell enjoys street fairs. Though he figures it wouldn't be nearly the same if he were here on his own.
They spend the next hour or so perusing various vendors and displays while enjoying comfortable conversation as well as the usual bantering they had been engaging in during the weeks leading up to the Herrold incident. As they walk towards the next set of vendors, Nell pulls Callen aside pointing to a more quiet area. Following her to a bench, it takes him a moment to realize she needs a break from the onslaught of people; the street fair has gotten much busier in the last half hour.
They sit down on the bench together and he leans his head back slightly taking in the warmth of the sun. Before long, Nell speaks softly, "I know you guys want answers." He fixes his gaze off in the distance afraid if he makes eye contact she will stop talking. "I don't know how to do this. Talk about everything that happened before." She places her hand on Callen's arm and waits for him to look at her before continuing. "I can't even make sense of what is going on."
He wishes there were some magical set of words he could offer to fix her confusion. Placing his own hand over hers, Callen leans a little closer as he answers the question. "Maybe it isn't for you to understand. Maybe you just need to bounce it off someone else and let them put the pieces together."
She struggles to maintain eye contact as she feels the tears threatening to fall. When she asked him to come with her today, Nell's intention was twofold. She wanted to get a break from everything that is happening and she wanted to giver herself a chance to start the process of trusting him. Nell considered the possibility that maybe she could even open up to him. It seemed pretty straightforward in her head. Being with Callen today gave a taste of what things could be like and she feels like it could be a good thing to just let it all out.
Callen watches as his words penetrate her defenses. Rather than push the envelope or put her any more on the spot than she already is, he opts for a riskier move. He reaches out for her and pulls her close. He hopes she can feel how much he cares about her. Nell momentarily tenses in his embrace, but then he feels her hand go around his waist and pull him even closer. They stay wrapped up in each other for a moment before Callen hears her speak. Her words are spoken so softly he almost misses what she says, "This isn't the first time I've met him Callen."
He reaches his hand up and runs it through her hair as he hugs her tightly. "I know." Callen can feel her body start to shake as the tears take over. She is pretty certain Callen had already made this connection, but Nell wanted to show him hat she was starting to trust him. Knowing she isn't ready to go into any other details, he simply holds her as she cries.
Allowing him to comfort her is a scary prospect, but she keeps reminding herself he would never hurt her. Logically, she knows this fact already. It's just hard to convince herself to risk letting down her defenses. It's such an automatic response to push people away and she has to fight her psyche to push past the pre-programmed response. After several minutes, she regains her composure and slowly sits up facing him. She locks eyes with him as she tries to figure out what to say.
Callen reaches up and lightly swipes his thumb across her cheek wiping away the stray tears. He knows this gesture is much more intimate than anything she has allowed in a long time. As if sensing her trepidation, he smiles softly as he speaks. "Follow me. I have an idea."
They stand up and he takes her by the hand. Not wanting to make her uncomfortable, he locks eyes with her before nodding his head in the direction of their hands. "You good?" She gives him a smile and nods her head as she starts to walk. Nell lets herself enjoy the feel of her hand in his as they move through the crowd.
She chuckles when she sees the game they stop at to play. Callen gives the man some money and turns around giving Nell a cocky smirk. She gestures with her hands for him to continue. He chose a game in which the goal is to shoot the star completely out of the middle of a slip of paper. The man hands him a pellet filled gun as he steps aside to watch. Callen takes aim and empties the pellets into the paper.
The man retrieves the paper and brings it over to the counter where Nell and Callen are standing. "Sorry man, you needed to get the entire star off the paper. You still got a corner right at the top. Close, but not quite. Maybe you girlfriend would have better luck?" Nell laughs out loud and Callen is pretty sure it's the most beautiful sound he has heard.
He locks eyes with her and gestures for her to give it shot. She shakes her head and continues to laugh. Handing the man more money, Nell suddenly realizes he seriously wants her to try. "No way Callen. If you can't mange, how do you think I will?" They watch as the man fills the gun once again and hands to Nell. She gives him another look that clearly says she would prefer not, but he simply hands her the gun.
"You got this Nell. Just give a try. The point isn't to actually win anyway. It's kinda set up to make you fail." He steps slightly to the side watching her point the gun at the target. He is actually quite impressed at her ability as he watches her shoot the weapon. After she empties the clip, the man repeats the same action as before.
Placing the paper in front of them, he remarks in a slightly amused voice. "Looks like we know who should keep the ammo in this relationship. Pick whatever you fancy little lady." Callen just shakes his head as Nell smirks in his direction. She chooses a stuffed dog with a red ribbon around its neck. As they move away from the vendor, Nell concludes it has been a really good day so far.
They wander around for while longer before their day is interrupted by the sound of Callen's phone. He reaches into his pocket to retrieve the offending device giving Nell a soft smile. "Hey Sam. What's up?" Nell walks over a vendor near Callen as he talks to his partner.
Callen finishes the call and immediately goes to Nell's side. Placing his hand squarely on the small of her back, she notices the distinct shift in his demeanor. He is in full-blown agent mode as he moves her through the crowd. "What's going on Callen? What did Sam say?"
Not saying a word, Callen scans the crowd constantly as they reach the car. He opens the door and waits for her to get in before closing it firmly behind her. He moves quickly to the driver's side and gets into the car with her. He gives her hand a firm squeeze before starting the car and placing it in gear. Driving through the streets, Callen checks the the mirrors frequently to ensure no one is following them.
Nell is getting increasingly more anxious and finally addresses Callen again. "What is going on?" She recognizes the route and knows they are going to the Mission. There has to have been a change in the case and from the way Callen is reacting, it doesn't appear to be anything good. "You are starting to freak me out here, Callen. Talk."
He looks over at Nell and takes a deep intake of air before speaking. He isn't really sure how to tell her what is going on without completely loosing what progress they made today. "Herrold made contact with LAPD about fifteen minutes ago." Callen watches as her face falls and she seems to sink back into her head.