Two long chapters back to back. I hope this makes up for my inability to update in any sort of regular fashion. Please let me know what you think of the latest developments.
John sat up quickly gasping for breath his heart rate monitor beating quickly but not fast enough to set off the alarm. Already the details of the nightmare, which had woken him up, were fading leaving him with nothing but a vague sense of panic and fear. It was frustrating though because although it had been a nightmare he was sure that part of it had been a memory. He shifted in the bed his shoulder seemed to throb in protest at how he had been sleeping. He glanced over to the couch to see that his constant companion, since waking up in this new when, was still in his room. The man appeared to be reading from his phone still. John wondered for a moment if he hadn't been asleep very long but then he noticed the daylight streaming through the blinds of his room.
"Do you ever even sleep?" He asks the man his voice raspy and harsh.
Sherlock gives him a soft smile as he gets up "My mind is a machine constantly stuck in overdrive John." He then hands him the glass of water with the straw in it. After John had drank his fill Sherlock then moved over to the blinds and opens them a bit allowing the sunlight to flow into the room.
"You realize that's not really an answer right?" He chuckles in response.
"Well then in simple terms then, yes I do sleep but not as often as you." Sherlock replied as he began to prepare two mugs of tea. John closed his eyes and enjoyed the warmth of the sunshine on his face through the window. He smiled as he realized that at least he was done with his deployment now. Not exactly early but at least he didn't have any memory of dealing with the last several months of it. He was awakened from his reverie at the sound of two mugs being placed on the bedside table. He sighed with satisfaction as he sipped at the tea prepared just the way he liked to drink his tea in the mornings. The silence between himself and the stranger, no he knew his name, Sherlock seemed a lot less strained this morning. John did have to wonder at the ability of the man to know what he would need or want without him having to ask. How could he have developed such a strong friendship in under two years? Although come to think of it how was this man granted overnight visitation privileges? He knew for a fact that St. Barts only allowed that for family members and….no it wasn't possible…was it? He had experimented a little in university even dated a bloke for almost a month but that was just university he hadn't really found interest in a man that way since he joined the military. Although if he was honest with himself it wasn't so much that he hadn't had feelings as much as he hadn't allowed himself to acknowledge such feelings. It just wasn't a great idea considering the living arrangements of being in the military. Not to mention he had seen how those who had been open about their interests had been treated. Since he more often than not was attracted to women it had never really been much of a sacrifice to make.
John watched Sherlock as the other man quietly sipped his tea and continued to read from his phone. He really was a handsome man with the sharp angles of his face giving him an almost alien beauty and the cupid bow lips looked very kissable. John shook his head to clear the thoughts. No I am clearly still disoriented from my head injury neither of us have rings. He thinks to himself, blushing slightly at the assumptions his mind had leapt to. Although considering the way the man had avoided discussing how he knew him and the fact that the nursing staff doesn't want to rush him into remembering things it is possible that their rings were removed to keep him from freaking out. Which is clearly what he was doing now. All right, he needed to calm down he would take his cues from the other man regarding their relationship. Either way the man clearly cared a lot about him if he was going to wait by his bedside for him to recover.
Sherlock's POV
Sherlock watched John with concern when he gasped awake but from past experience Sherlock knew that John preferred to be given space after awaking from a nightmare; and when possible for the entire ordeal not to be acknowledged at all. So Sherlock continued to read, or at least pretend to read the article on his phone. He couldn't help but smile at how familiar John's words were to how he normally greeted the detective some mornings. He set about moving around the room in order to help make John comfortable and to distract his own mind from its desire to test and see if John had remembered anything during the night. Yet again he found himself stealing John's coping mechanism and making them both a cup of tea. When he looked back up at John after enjoying a long and refreshing sip of his drink he could tell that the man was extremely stressed out by whatever thoughts were running through his mind. However, since he had not been watching the man long enough he wasn't sure what was causing him stress and he seemed to have calmed himself down in short time.
They both sat in silence for a bit just enjoying their tea and trying to figure out a way to ask the hundreds of questions that were buzzing around in their heads. At the same moment they both began to talk
"So can you…" They both stopped, the same startled look on their face at having said the same exact thing at the same moment. After staring at each other for a moment they both begin to laugh like school children unable to stop laughing even though the joke wasn't that funny. Always the polite one of the pair John gasps to catch his breath before asking with a giant grin still on his face, "sorry, so what were you about to say then."
Regaining his composure Sherlock looks up at him almost apologetically. "I know the nurse said not to push you but I cant help wondering since you woke up this morning. Can you remember anything new?" John can hear the unsaid 'do you remember me' and he feels horrible that he will have to crush the hope he can see in this man's eyes. Thinking of his earlier realization he thinks maybe I can test the water and meet him halfway. Although he wasn't ready yet to hear the whole truth if his realization was correct.
"I think, well its more like a feeling, but we live together…right?" John asks rather than states. A part of him, the part that had him dating only women after joining the military, had him hoping that Sherlock would deny this question. Inform him that they had never lived together. However, the beautiful smile that broke across Sherlock's face told John that his guess had been correct they did live together. The cynical and scared part of him reminded him that he could still be wrong maybe they were just flat mates.
"Yes John!" Sherlock exclaims with a smile. It was almost ironic that Sherlock Holmes was falling for the manipulation of a deduction as a shared memory. A trick that he had often used against possible witnesses when conducting his detective work, however, at the moment he was too happy with the belief that John's memories might be returning to have noticed.
"Do you remember anything about our flat then." Sherlock asks eagerly. Briefly forgetting the instructions the nurse had given him in his excitement.
John closes his eyes trying to ignore the fluttering in his stomach at the man's use of the word 'our'. He tries to remember a flat or home of his here in London, although all that comes to mind is his old dorm while he was at Uni and his CHU in Afghanistan.
"No, I'm sorry like I said it was just a feeling that maybe we had lived together" John mumbled in reply genuinely upset to see the taller man's hope crushed on account of him.
The two sit in silence for a while. "The address is 221B Baker Street" Sherlock said after realizing that he now had something he could talk to the Doctor about. "It's a nice Victorian style flat in Westminster and our land lady is Mrs. Hudson." He adds with a fair amount of nostalgia as he looks around the hospital room he has been cooped up in for the last couple of days. "Actually she brought us by some snacks, she has a habit of doting on the two of us." He offers the mentioned biscuits to John who takes one smiling as he realizes they are his favorite flavor.
"Yes, she knows you have a taste for those," Sherlock states in response to his unstated observation.
"Everyone seems to know me better than I really know myself at the moment." John chuckles a bit bitterly.
"I apologize John I should have followed the nurses advice and not forced memories on you." Sherlock mumbled after a moment of silence. A part of him took note of the fact that only John seemed capable of making him feel guilty for causing others emotional pain especially, if John was the one feeling the pain. He placed the information in John's room within his mind palace which at this point he had to accept was impossible to delete.
The two were spared from another awkward silence by a knock at the door. Followed shortly after by the entrance of Dr. Barlow.
"Gentlemen, how are we doing this morning?" She asked as she picked up Johns chart to catch up on everything. Neither man really feels like talking at the moment but as John never likes to be rude he provides a mumbled "good, thank you doctor," in response.
After taking a bit to digest the information on Johns chart Dr. Barlow places the clipboard back in its place and clasps her hands together and states "Alright Mr. Watson, I just need to perform a couple of tests to confirm some diagnosis before I give you a run down of your current condition."
John sits up in his bed attempting to look ready for anything although he is not excited for what he is pretty sure is going to be an embarrassing display as Dr. Barlow confirms the diagnosis he already gave himself of mild ataxia. He looks nervously between the doctor and Sherlock the confident look on his face faltering for a moment.
John tries not to audibly sigh with relief when Doctor Barlow notices his increased distress and guesses at the possible cause.
"Mr. Holmes, the rehabilitation director still needs to speak with you regarding John's personality and demeanor in order to develop a plan of action regarding his treatment. If you head down to the nurses station and let them know you need to speak with a Mr. Lloyd they will show you to his office." She states with a smile.
"What! I can surely talk with him later, I'd also like to hear your explanations of Johns current condition." Sherlock states indignantly, glaring at Dr. Barlow wondering if she is not still angry at his deductions of her from earlier. He is about to start in on the female Doctors' personal life again when John stops him.
"Go ahead and see Mr. Lloyd Sherlock, I'm sure you are tired of being stuck in my hospital room all the time." John says smiling reassuringly at him.
"…Alright John." Sherlock replies as he gives John a half confused and half betrayed look before standing to leave the room. "I'll be back as soon as I can." He mumbles before leaving.
John feels a stab to the gut at the pain that had momentarily flashed across Sherlock's face before he left. John could only remember a short amount of time with the man but he had a feeling that it was rare for many things to reach the man at that level.
He wishes that he could have felt comfortable with Sherlock staying in the room for these tests, but as close as they may have been before he lost his memories, to John right now it just felt like having a stranger watch him at his most vulnerable state and he couldn't handle that right now.
"Thank you," he practically whispered to Doctor Barlow as he stared intently at his lap after the door shut behind Sherlock.
"I know you don't remember him right now, but he really does care about you a lot." The female doctor stated giving him a sad smile.
"I am aware of that," John stated defensively, "but I…I just can't deal with him seeing this. I already determined yesterday that I have Ataxia." John states with a defeated sigh. Dr. Barlow raises her eyebrows in response to this.
"O…from the notes it appeared as though it may have just been slight damage to the occipital lobe but you think it could be worse?" She asked. John simply gave a curt nod in reply.
"Alright then you're a medical man you know we still need to conduct the necessary tests to confirm the diagnosis" she said moving to his bed side to begin the initial physical exam.
Sherlock felt lost after being dismissed from John's room. His whole purpose for the last couple of days had been in staying as close to John as possible and ensuring he was all right. He knew logically it made sense that John would feel uncomfortable with him around for an exam since to John he was a stranger. However, this ever annoying emotional part of him still felt slightly betrayed at the gesture. He shook his head and allowed himself to return to the mask of indifference he wore the majority of his life and headed for the nurses station. They in turn informed him that he could find Mr. Lloyd the rehabilitation specialist in room C017.
When Sherlock arrived at the room it looked very different from any other room he had seen in the hospital. It looked like a bizarre gymnastics classroom there were parallel bars, a climbing wall, foam mats, and balance balls scattered throughout the room. However there were also strange contraptions with thick straps and padding hanging from large pivoting metal bars, wheel chairs, crutches, and other medical equipment in the room as well. There was a man with a leg missing climbing on the wall in the corner and a nurse was helping a young boy with a back brace do leg stretches. After taking this all in Sherlock moved further into the room heading to the door he had noticed with a placard stating 'Mr. Lloyd, Lead Rehabilitation Specialist'. After knocking Sherlock went ahead and let himself in the room.
"Ah, Can I help you?" The middle aged American man with dark brown hair and a horribly ugly stripped tie asked as he took off his reading glasses and looked up at Sherlock. Sherlock quickly observed the man determined he was fairly plain with nothing that interesting about him before moving into the room to occupy the seat across from Mr. Lloyd's desk with his usual flare for the dramatic.
"Please come right in." The man says sarcastically as he puts his paperwork to the side to give Sherlock his full attention.
"Dr. Barlow has informed me that you wish to speak to me about John's personality before this accident so that you can determine an adequate rehabilitation program for him." Sherlock answers the man's earlier question in a bored tone of voice.
"So I take it you are Mr. Holmes then," the man states. "Yes it can be critical in memory loss cases to have an understanding of the patients mental and physical capabilities before the accident in order to determine what exactly the end goal is regarding the patients recovery as well as to help in quickly recognizing when cognitive changes have occurred." Mr. Lloyd explained, rather redundantly Sherlock thought.
"Yes well what information do you need from me, do you have a questionnaire or something?" Sherlock asked anxious to get back to John's room.
"Um no…generally I start by just having the friends and family of the patient describe their love one to me. Just pretend you are explaining to a coworker why you are friends with John and what makes him so unique." He says with a smile.
"The few individuals who could be considered my coworkers are idiots and I avoid interactions with them whenever possible but I believe I understand your goal in this exercise." Sherlock states coldly and then closes his eyes in contemplation. Mr. Lloyd quirks an eyebrow at his strange response but just shrugs and decides to wait for Sherlock to begin speaking.
In his mind Sherlock is standing in the center of the room labeled John. It immediately has a calming affect on him and his shoulders relax a little. He contemplates how to translate everything located here into a few sentences. After taking a moment to breath in the faint memory of the smell that is John's body spray. Sherlock begins rattling off facts as if he were deducing a body at a crime scene.
"John's a retired army Captain, as well as a military Doctor. He has PTSD and use to suffer from a psychosomatic limp. He has some slight anger management issues but only in situations where he feels his pride is threatened. He is an adrenaline junky who was only depressed after getting out of the military because he missed the thrill. Basically, John is a man of action. If you say danger he will come running. He is not afraid to hurt others in order to protect his friends but he is an extremely companionate man who doesn't like to see anyone suffer. He believes in heroes and the possibility for good in all people. He has this ability to make others want to live up to these romantic views of the world that he has. John simply put just makes people better. He can be nagging and tiresome at times when he is concerned about my health but it is always for the best. He is surprisingly accepting of the worse traits in me and can be a true Saint considering the things he has to deal with. He has this way of translating the tedious habits and customs of 'normal' people in a way that I can tolerate and understand. Everything about his personality is warm and caring even those stupid jumpers that he wears. Women throw themselves at him and everyone generally just wants to be his friend. When he is truly happy he has this way of smiling that…" Sherlock starts out with his description cold and distant however, as he slips further into memories and moments he has shared with John he becomes more emotional in his description. Finally stopping himself as he thinks of the way their eyes would sometimes meet when they shared an inside joke with each other. For the briefest of moments he feels the spark of hope that maybe there could be something between him and John. Its at this point that Mr. Lloyd subtly clears his throat pulling Sherlock's attention out of his mind palace and back to the matter at hand. When he returns his focus to Mr. Lloyd he sees that the man is giving him a sad smile and he hates him for it.
"Essentially John is highly companionate and is a thrill seeker." Sherlock summarizes attempting to re-establish his cold and distant demeanor.
"Ah well yes…" Mr. Lloyd begins attempting to move past the awkward stillness that had fallen over the room. "From that information it sounds like Mr. Watson will be dedicated to his rehabilitation if we can get him to buy into the program and understand the necessity of the various exercises to his improved health. However, it does sound like we may need to be slightly concerned about his anger issues especially if he finds himself embarrassed or ashamed of his lack of capabilities after this accident. Often times with head traumas patients who remember what they use to be capable of can become frustrated very quickly with their reduced mental capabilities and motor skills after first waking up. On top of that there is the possibility that the head trauma itself could cause emotional instability for the patient."
"So what exactly will his rehabilitation entail, and how long will he be stuck in hospital?" Sherlock asked.
"Well, the extent and location of his rehabilitation will be determined once Dr. Barlow has made a full assessment of all of John's symptoms. Then the two of us will sit down and determine a course of treatment." Mr. Lloyd explained. "Now I just need to ask you a few more detailed questions that will help in my personality assessment of John." He continued pulling out a sheet of paper to take notes on.
Back in his room John had finished doing various tests, which determined that he had unilateral ataxia meaning that the lack of muscle coordination was limited to his left side. It was soo much worse than just being clumsy on one side though it was as if there was a disconnect between his mind and his body at times. When Doctor Barlow had asked him to show how he would use his left hand to blow out a match he found himself miming smoking a cigarette for a few seconds until he could overrule the incorrect body motions. Quite frankly it was terrifying.
Now they had reached the part of the assessment that John was the most worried about, determining how much his ataxia was going to affect his gait and balance. Dr. Barlow helped him sit up in the bed and immediately the vertigo and nausea, which hadn't been a problem as long as he had remained prostrate, flared up to full force. Thankfully a trashcan was maneuvered in front of him before he empty his stomach of the little bit of tea and biscuits that he had eaten that morning.
"When ever your ready Doctor Watson," The other doctor stated in a calm and patient voice, "take as long as you need."
After several deep breaths of air with his eyes shut to settle himself, John gave a slight nod and lowered himself off the edge of the bed. Dr. Barlow had a firm grip underneath his right arm ready to catch him should his legs give out. John moved his right leg first with no real problem just a bit sluggish from nausea and having been immobile for a while. However when he went to move his left leg he saw that his foot dragged and the movements seemed clumsy and disjointed like the movements of his left arm. He grit his teeth and took another set of steps trying to will his body to cooperate but with the same results. In order to even be able to stand without Dr. Barlow's help he had to take a wide stance and would have to throw his arms out from time to time just to keep his balance. By the time he was helped back to the bed he had a sheen of sweat on his brow and felt utterly defeated. Dr. Barlow said something to him, probably some words of encouragement or something of the like, but he really could care less. Once he leaned back and his head hit the pillow again he was asleep shortly after.
Sherlock had gotten back upstairs as Dr. Barlow was leaving Johns room.
"Dr. Barlow a word." He called after her before she could head off down the hallway.
"Ah, Mr. Holmes, I trust you were able to provide Mr. Lloyd with the information he needed." She replied turning to meet him with a friendly smile.
"What are your conclusions?" He asked skipping straight to the point.
"John, appears to be suffering from uni-lateral ataxia. This means that he has reduced motor control on the left side of his body when preforming complex motor motions. It is important to understand this isn't the result of weakened muscles rather a weakened connection in the neurons which signal the muscles. This is also why he was having difficulty reading his chart earlier because his ocular muscles are affected as well. Rehabilitation can help individuals with this condition determine coping mechanisms and in some instances gain better motor control. Ataxia is normally hereditary but in rare instances can be caused by brain trauma. The issue is that generally when it is caused by brain trauma it is either chronic as well or the result of a treatable inflammation from an infection. We have scheduled John for a CT scan to check for inflammation and we have increased his antibiotics in the hopes that this is infection based." She explained checking from time to time to see that Sherlock was following.
"The good thing Mr. Holmes," She continued trying to soften the blow of the news. "is that he has a very mild case of ataxia. Even if his condition persists at the state it's at he will still be pretty much self-sufficient. He may have to learn how to do more things with his right hand and it may be necessary to use a cane to walk if we cant find ways to re-establish those motor controls but he should be able to lead a fairly normal life." She finished with a reassuring smile.
"John can't deal with a normal life, that was the problem last time." Sherlock says with a distant look. "That's why we are friends." Sherlock finished almost in a whisper before turning and returning to John's room. Dr. Barlow gave the man a sad look as he left then with a sigh she straightened her white coat, checked her clipboard and continued about her rounds.
Sherlock found John sound asleep when he entered the room. Dr. Barlow's words were still banging around in his head when he resumed his vigil next to Johns bed. He simply watched the man sleep for a moment or two, cataloguing the information. The more he thought about the things Dr. Barlow had said the worse he felt. He reached his hand out to grab John's pulse point again to have that reassurance but he stopped and simply placed his hand by Johns on the bed, their fingers barely touching. He knew he could not seek comfort that way anymore not now that John was a wake. He let his head rest on the mattress with a heavy sigh, hiding his face from Johns.
"I'm sorry John, I'm so sorry." He whispered repeatedly. He pressed his face further into the mattress as he felt moisture build in his eyes but he did not allow any tears to fall.
"I never deserved you John, you were far too good for me." Sherlock mumbled into the mattress as he closed his eyes and escaped once again into the John Watson room of his mind palace.
John Watson had been slowly drawn out of sleep by the movements of the mattress beside him. He heard the whispered apologies and felt the warmth of the man's hand resting near his own. The man's final mumbled confession seemed to confirm John's suspicions. Although after thinking about the possibility most of the day it didn't seem so bad. This man, Sherlock, seemed so interesting that John was rather excited to get to know him all over again. He felt terrible though realizing that this man clearly cared about him deeply and John couldn't remember a single thing about him. John felt his heart go out for the man after hearing the shaky and deep intake of breath, a sound John knew well from his time deployed, as that of a man trying desperately not to cry. He had to do something there had to be something he could do to ease this man's pain. Shifting slightly as if he were still sound asleep he moved his hand to the left the ataxia making the movement seem even more like a spasm during sleep. His hand now covered the other man's; he could feel the long thin musician's fingers underneath his own callused ones.
Sherlock tensed for a moment after the contact wondering if he should pull his hand back. Then he realized that Johns breathing had shifted slightly and the man was only pretending to sleep. He didn't understand emotions enough to understand what this gesture meant but he wasn't going to turn it down. He rubbed his thumb gently along the bottom of John's palm in return but played along as though he thought John was still asleep. Sherlock smiled into the mattress he truly did not deserve John Watson.
So just on a side note Mr. Lloyd is based roughly of Wilson from House MD. Not really a reason for it other than thats who I kept picturing in the role.