It has to be said that entering your dorm room and finding one of your roommates dancing and singing along to very loud music meanwhile cleaning at the same time is extremely startling. Which explains why Sirius froze in the doorway when he pulled open the door and was confronted with Remus, wearing nothing more than a t-shirt, a pair of shorts, and a thick bandage around his left leg (compliments of the most recent full moon), doing exactly that.
"What are you doing?" Sirius asked when Remus had turned around.
He shrugged. "Cleaning," he said simply.
"I noticed," Sirius said, stepping into the room and wondering why it was so much colder inside the room than outside. "Any particular reason why?"
Again, Remus shrugged. "I was bored, and there was nothing better to do."
"Right," Sirius said slowly, looking around and spotting the open window to the left of his bed. "Remus, it's the beginning of December, and it's snowing outside, so why is the window open?"
"'Cause otherwise Peter wouldn't leave, and he was getting in the way of my cleaning," he replied as if the answer were obvious.
Sirius just shook his head and settled down on his bed, ignoring the cold draft coming from the window. He didn't say anything for a moment as Remus went back to cleaning. This was, undoubtedly, the most energetic he had ever seen Remus with the full moon having only been four days ago. Normally, so soon after a transformation, he was either still in the Hospital Wing or he was dead on his feet. Of course, this was only the second full moon he, James, and Peter had spent with Remus, and he supposed that that probably had some effect on Remus's behavior. Then there was also the fact that his and Athena's relationship was flourishing. Nothing was more able to make a man giddy than a happy girlfriend.
"Having a girlfriend really agrees with you," Sirius mused from his bed as he watched Remus clean.
"We've been on one date, Sirius," Remus said, abandoning his cleaning and sitting down on his own bed. "That hardly makes her my girlfriend."
"Oh really?" Sirius replied, raising his eyebrows. "Let's see, then. You've been on one date and promised to go on another. And, in the meantime, you have silently, but mutually, agreed not to divulge in couple-like behavior with other people. Face it, Moony, she's your girlfriend."
"Hmm, interesting," Remus said, smirking a little. "This does wonders to contradict the idea that murderous half-breeds like myself are incapable of human relationships such as this, and that I do not possess enough heart to have feelings for anyone, not even my own mother."
"And who told you that?" Sirius asked.
"Who else but Hogwarts own resident bigot," Remus said idly. "Told me so when she held me after class last Thursday before the full moon."
Sirius growled slightly. "I hate that woman."
"She, apparently, hates you too," said Remus. "What was it tonight? Your twentieth detention with her this year?"
"Yeah, something like that. Where were you all before I left for that detention, though? I didn't have anyone to complain to."
Remus laughed. "Peter was soliciting help from the girls for his Potions essay; James is at quidditch practice (again). And I had a prefects meeting I had to go to."
"Oh, that must have been fun."
"Absolutely thrilling," Remus added dryly. "Speaking of the meeting though, for the first time in the five years that I've known her, your cousin Narcissa gave me the honor of speaking to me directly. Although, now I can honestly say that I hope it never happens again."
Sirius let out a short, bark-like laugh. "She does have that effect on people," he said. "What'd she want?"
"She wanted me to tell you, her 'disgrace of a cousin', that you should expect 'a correspondence in the morning post' from your parents sometime soon," Remus explained, not feeling guilty as he mocked Narcissa's airy and condescending manner of speaking to people.
Sirius sighed heavily. "What do they want with me now?" he asked no one in particular.
Remus shrugged. "I don't know. If I were your parents I'd just disown you and get you out of my hair," he said, smirking slightly.
"That's actually a good idea," Sirius mused. "I should run it past them, see what they think." He sighed and glanced around the room. "I'm bored," he announced.
"Shocker," Remus replied sarcastically. "Don't you have homework or something to do?"
"Moony, when do I ever do my homework when I'm supposed to?" he asked rhetorically. "I wish Prongs were around . . ."
"Quidditch practice should be over by now," Remus said. "Go look for him; he's got to be around somewhere."
"Right you are," Sirius said, standing up. "Have fun with the rest of your cleaning."
Of course, as soon as Sirius started to search for his best friend, he seemed to have disappeared. He couldn't find James anywhere. Everyone he asked hadn't seen James recently, and even the rest of the quidditch team had no idea where he was. He wasn't in any of their normal haunts, and eventually Sirius just had to give up. It wasn't until breakfast the next morning that he finally found James.
"Where were you last night?" Sirius demanded as James took his normal seat at the table next to him.
James shrugged evasively. "I was around."
"You were around? I couldn't find you anywhere."
"Well, you should have looked harder," he said as he helped himself to some of Sirius's toast. "But, that's besides that point. Last night, lightning struck my brain," he said to Remus and Peter, both of whom had been watching the scene unfold before them with interest.
"I think more than lightning struck your brain," Sirius muttered sourly.
James ignored him. "Moony, the next full moon's over the holidays, right?" he asked, a slightly manic glint in his eyes.
"Yeah, but what's that got to do with anything?" Remus said before taking a drink of his pumpkin juice.
"Everything. Here's my idea: next full moon," James started, " we leave the shack."
Remus choked on his juice. "What?" he coughed.
"We leave the shack," James repeated. "Go gallivanting off in the moonlight!"
"Are you insane?" Remus asked.
"I think we all know that answer to that is 'yes'," Sirius quipped.
"No, no, listen," James insisted. "If Sirius and I, at least, both stay the here over the holidays, well, we're big enough to keep you from attacking anyone. Not to mention, Hogwarts is practically deserted over Christmas, so we wouldn't have to worry about random people being outside."
"Whatever sanity you ever had, James," Remus said incredulously. "It's definitely gone out the window."
"I don't know," Sirius said thoughtfully. "I think it's a good idea."
"No, you don't," Remus insisted, still not liking the idea at all. "It's a terrible idea. What's there to like about it?"
"No, it could be fun," he answered. "I mean, you can't honestly tell me that you like being holed up in the shack all night."
"That's irrelevant," Remus retorted. "It's too dangerous. It's bad enough having the three of you with me, but to leave the shack . . . that's just asking for trouble. You agree with me, right Peter?" he finished forcefully, giving Peter a strong glare that suggested he better not say no.
"O-of course I agree with you," Peter said, quailing slightly under Remus's stern look. "It's too dangerous."
James sighed. "Just think about it, all right? We won't go out this month if you're uncomfortable with the idea," he conceded. We'll just force you to come along the next month, he added silently.
"Post is here," Peter said dully, looking to the ceiling and watching owls swoop down clutching an assortment of letters and parcels.
Sirius was dismayed when he spotted his parents' owl in the midst and was even more dismayed to see that it was flying toward him, rather than toward his younger brother.When Remus told him he should expect mail from his parents soon, Sirius had hardly thought that he meant today. The owl disdainfully dropped a letter in front of him before flying off. All four boys stared at the letter almost as if they expected it to jump up and start tap dancing across the table at any minute. Nothing good had ever come out of a letter from the Blacks, and none of them had any misconception that the letter would merely exchange pleasantries between family members.
"Are you going to open it?" James asked, ignoring his own owl who was now pecking his right hand impatiently.
Without answering James, Sirius picked up the letter and tore it open. His face was with etched with disgust as he quickly scanned the letter for its contents. Upon finishing the letter, he promptly tore it into tiny pieces.
"What do they want this time?" James asked, knowing that it was better to give Sirius this opportunity to vent now, rather than let him brood on it for the rest of the day.
"They want me to come back home over the holidays," Sirius spat sourly. "No doubt to try and 'reform' me some more, and, oh – how did my father put it?– Oh, yeah and to 'discuss the vast amount of misdemeanors you've already managed to accumulate thus far in the privacy of our own home.' For bloody crying out loud, I haven't been home for Christmas since I was twelve. And that was the year that the Bulstrodes hosted the Christmas party, and I got so lost in their house while trying to find the bathroom that I ended up getting cornered in the hall by my second cousin Jeremiah Crabbe, who was so pissed drunk that he spent the next ten minutes trying to snog me."
James exchanged a surprised look with Remus across the table, though it had done a lot to explain Sirius odd behavior when they had returned from Christmas break in their second year. "Well, that settles it then," James said with an air of finality.
"Settles what?" Sirius asked.
"Me and you are staying here over the break," James said. "I was thinking maybe we could both go back to my place, but taking everything into consideration . . ." He paused, as if deliberating the point. "No, Hogwarts is best this year. Your second cousin Jeremiah Crabbe is just going to have to get used to Christmas without you."
James's jab at his family raised Sirius's mood slightly. It was always comforting to know he had someone who hated his family as much as he did. After the boys left the Great Hall on their way to their morning classes (Remus to Ancient Runes and the rest of them retreating to the North Tower for Divination), it became shockingly clear to James that Sirius was certainly taking this matter to heart. Sirius hardly said a word during class, which was shocking in itself because Sirius had never been known for being quiet, even when he was annoyed or angry with his family. All during class he just sat there, staring at a small burn mark on the table from where someone had once spilled a candle, brooding. Occasionally he would mutter nasty things about his parents, but other than that he didn't say a thing.
Sirius just couldn't forget the letter. The words. The tone. The veiled threats. Even in writing his parents were stuffy and condescending! He wasn't at home. He wasn't in their hair. He wasn't their responsibility. So why couldn't they just leave him be? What had he ever done that warranted being haunted by them when he was hundreds of miles away? Okay, so maybe calling his mother a bitch before leaving for school was a bad idea, but there was no doubt that she didn't deserve it. Besides, she had certainly called him worse, and he hardly felt that one uttered (okay, yelled) swear word justified his parents blatant disgust and displeasure. He knew what they were trying to do. They were trying to control him, trying to manipulate him, trying to save the black sheep of the family. And he hated them for it.
With thoughts like those running rampant in his head, it was no surprise that when Defense Against the Dark Arts rolled around that Sirius was in a right foul mood.
He stormed into Thelen's classroom in a huff behind James and Peter, both of whom had been trying to carry light conversation with Sirius to no avail. He strode to his desk in the back corner and slammed his books down with a satisfying thunk.
"Five points for slamming your books, Mr. Black," Professor Thelen called from behind her desk in the front of the room. It appeared Thelen wasn't in the best of moods today either; she normally waited for class to begin before she started to dock points.
Sirius stared at her. "You've got to be kidding me," he drawled. "What next? Ten points for sneezing?"
"Sit down, Mr. Black," Thelen ordered, giving him a stern glare that rivaled his mother's. "And another five points for talking back."
"This is ridiculous," Sirius grumbled under his breath to James as he plopped down into his seat. "Bloody old hag is completely unreasonable."
"You can say that again, mate," James agreed quietly from his seat next to Sirius. He looked up from his desk as the bell rang, watching Remus sliding through the door just in the nick of time and make his way to his own seat.
"Ten points for tardiness, Lupin," Thelen announced from the front of the room, looking down at a stack of papers on her desk.
"Professor, I was in class when the bell rang," Remus said calmly as he turned around in the middle of the aisle to face the teacher.
"But you were not in your seat," Thelen countered. "And as such you are tardy."
"I had to speak to Professor Wilding about an assignment I missed," Remus pointed out, holding out the note in his hand that would have excused his slight tardiness with any other teacher.
"This isn't a discussion," she said forcefully. "Take your seat."
"Professor," Remus said reasonably and calmly. "That is hardly fair."
"Life isn't fair," Thelen snapped. "Take your seat, Lupin."
Remus turned back around and rolled his eyes at his friends, soliciting smiles from all of them, even a slight one from Sirius. "What's got her wand in a knot today?" he asked quietly as he slid into his seat in front of Sirius.
"Since when has she ever needed a reason to be nasty to us?" Sirius questioned bitterly.
"Good point, as always Padfoot," Remus replied. "I take it she already docked you for something?"
"Slamming my books on my desk," Sirius answered. "And then I talked back to her."
"Oh no, how could you?" Remus remarked dryly.
"No doubt she thought you were disturbing the peace," James threw in wickedly.
"If I hear one more word from that back corner," Thelen chastised, "I'll take ten points off from all four of you. Now pay attention so I can get on with my lesson."
"I didn't even say anything," Peter whined quiet enough so only his friends could hear.
Remus shrugged. "There's no reasoning with madness," he whispered out of the corner of his mouth, pulling his book out from his bag.
Thelen started her lecture on Bartleby Lepski's Fourteen-Point Policies on Defensive Magic, which they would be covering for the next two weeks until Christmas break. As usual, Remus tried to take accurate notes on the lecture, despite the inaccuracies in Thelen's lectures and despite the fact that he really didn't like Thelen. He couldn't help but notice that behind him, neither James nor Sirius was paying any attention, but five minutes into the lecture they started passing notes between them. The occasional snort he heard from James was a dead give away that most certainly weren't discussing the lecture. Eventually, Remus succumbed to his curiosity and cautiously held his hand out behind him, a clear indication that he wanted to see the note. Obligingly, Sirius thrust it into his open hand.
The Marauders' Fourteen Point Policies on:
Hexing Unruly Slytherins
and
Pissing-off Pompous Pure-bloods
Underneath the embellished title at the top of the parchment was a growing list of rules, policies, and suggestions James and Sirius had come up with on the predetermined topics. It took nearly all the self-control Remus had to keep from laughing as he quickly scanned down the list. He felt though, that something was missing, and he made his own addition before passing the note back to Sirius.
It has to be said, though, that Sirius's self-control was often sorely lacking, and upon spotting Remus's addition a loud bark-like laugh had managed to escape his lips before he could turn it into an equally loud hacking cough. Of course, by the time Sirius had managed to start coughing, the damage had already been done. In an instant, Thelen had swooped down upon them in all her fury and snatched the note off of Sirius's desk.
The Marauders' Fourteen Point Policies on:
Hexing Unruly Slytherins
and
Pissing-off Pompous Pure-bloods
and (let us not forget)
Lynching Werewolf Bigots (Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named)
Thelen's eyes narrowed dangerously as she scanned the long list. "Do you four think this is funny?" she snapped at them.
"Er, yes," James said simply. "Otherwise, I don't think we would have written it."
"I have had enough of your four!" Thelen said loudly, well aware that the entire class was now, not for the first time, focused on the back corner of the room. "You've been nothing but trouble since the four of you entered this class in September!"
"Actually," Sirius said, a slight edge to his voice that was not normally there. "Only three of us were here in the beginning. Remus missed your class because he was his grandmother's funeral, remember?"
"That's besides the point, Mr. Black," she snapped again. "The point is that I have had enough of the four of you constantly disrupting my class. I will not tolerate it. In fact, I think a change of seats is in order."
"Oh, that's reasonable," Sirius retorted sarcastically. "You know, Thelen, I don't really like you either, but you don't see me trying to force you to switch classrooms with Binns, now do you?"
"Padfoot," Peter suggested timidly as he watched Thelen's expression grow colder. "Maybe you should calm down." The glare he received from Sirius was answer enough. He wasn't about to back down.
"Mr. Black, I won't tolerate another word out of you," Thelen hissed. "Now, let's see about separating you four. Mr. Potter, you can stay where you're at. Mr. Pettigrew take the desk behind Miss Vance; Lupin, you can have the empty desk in front of mine by Miss McKinnon. And Mr. Black, take the front desk by the door."
Both Remus and Peter obligingly began to gather their things, not wanting to cause a more of scene than Sirius already had. But Sirius, acting in typical Sirius behavior, merely crossed his arms in front of his chest, and stared at Thelen stubbornly. "Or what?" he queried.
"We'd have to discuss that matter privately after class is over," Thelen threatened. "Now move."
But Sirius would not budge. "Do your worst," he said slowly, annunciating every word crisply.
"That is enough, Mr. Black!"
"You know what?" Sirius replied hotly, "I don't think it is." To his right, James groaned. He knew what was coming, and he knew Sirius's reasons behind it. Sirius was so frustrated with his parents always trying to force him to do things he didn't want to do, and now that someone else was trying to do the exact same thing . . . Well, he wasn't about to sit around and let it happen. "I have had it up to my eyeballs with this junk you've been force feeding us since the beginning of the year. I'm sick of your condescending attitude and your constant desire to prove that you're better than us, that you know more than us. We're fifth years, not five year olds. And the way you treat us!" Sirius snapped, well aware that he should have probably stopped talking by now, but too angry to care. "I'm sorry we're opinionated people, but that's no reason to treat us like something foul you had the misfortune of stepping on! I mean, come off it ! You treat me like dirt! And Remus, what's he ever done to anyone? And yet you insist on degrading him, and patronizing him, all because he's just a bloody–"
"Sirius!" Remus cried loudly over Sirius's bantering. His face was white and the look he treated Sirius with spoke volumes. One more word, and his secret would be out, and if his secret were out, it wouldn't be long before he was out of school. Sirius instantly closed his mouth, guilt washing over him. How could he have almost said that? What kind of moron was he?
Thelen saw her golden opportunity. "Mr. Black, fifty points for that disgusting display and we'll discuss your week's worth of detentions after class," she said firmly. "The rest of you, take your seats, and let's continue with the lesson."
The rest of the lesson went quietly and undisturbed. Sirius wisely kept his mouth shut, knowing that sixty of the seventy points Thelen had taken from Gryffindor were his fault. Likewise, the rest of the Marauders were silent as well. James was now completely isolated in the back corner, the closest person being two desks away from him. Peter was surrounded by girls that he hardly knew, and as such there was no way he was going to open his mouth. Instead, he tried to act interested in the lesson, which he failed dismally at and eventually gave up, deciding he'd just copy Remus's notes later. Remus was lucky enough to find himself sitting in front of Athena, who spent the rest of class trying to get his attention, curious to find out what Sirius was about to say, but Remus firmly ignored her. When the bell rang, Remus quickly hurried out of the room and met up with James and Peter outside the door where they decided they'd wait for Sirius.
Lily, Athena, and Serena were the next students out the door. Athena stopped by Remus, James, and Peter, and with a motion of her hand indicated to her friends that they should move on without her. "Is everything okay, Remus?" she asked when her friends had left.
Remus had been expecting this and was already prepared to lie. "Yeah, everything's fine," he answered with ease.
"Are you sure? You seemed a little . . . well, tense in there," she commented, the concern in her eyes ruining her attempt at light-heartedness.
"It's fine," he said casually. "You don't need to worry about it. I'll catch up with you after lunch. I just want to have a word with Sirius first, all right?"
"Sure, okay," Athena said, looking entirely unconvinced that she shouldn't worry about it. "I'll see you later, then." She smiled and waved before turning around and heading off to her friends.
Remus ran a hand through his hair restlessly. "I hate lying to people," he muttered.
"We know you do," Peter said as James nodded absently in agreement.
"Sirius, hurry up," James muttered at the half-open door. He leaned slightly so he could see through gap in the doorway. Sirius was standing in front of Thelen's desk, his hands jammed in his pockets, and a look of utter distaste plastered across his face. Thelen, meanwhile, was speaking emphatically, no doubt lecturing Sirius on proper conduct, her hands moving precisely to emphasize her points. James couldn't hear what she was saying, but he doubted that it was pleasant. Ten minutes later, Sirius emerged from the room, looking more annoyed and upset than he had when class had started.
"D'you know what that hag is making me do?" he snapped as soon as he was outside of the door. "I have to spend the next week cleaning out bedpans in the Hospital Wing– without magic!"
"Well," Remus said slowly. "If it's any comfort to you, I won't be in the Hospital Wing next week, so that's one less bedpan you have to clean."
"Oh, that's a huge comfort," Sirius retorted sarcastically, rolling his eyes. Remus's comment, however, reminded Sirius of what he had almost let slip in his outburst, and he inwardly cringed as guilt surged through him again. "Look, Moony, I'm–"
"Don't even mention it, Padfoot," Remus said quietly, not looking at Sirius as they made their way down the hall.
"No, I mean it," Sirius insisted. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize what I was saying. I never meant to nearly blurt that out."
Remus shrugged, still not looking at him. "You were angry," he reasoned. "You weren't thinking straight. It's perfectly understandable. It's just a drawback of human emotions."
"Moony, seriously," said Sirius. "I am sorry."
"I know you are, and it's okay," Remus said, turning his head to look at Sirius. "Just . . . just don't do it again, okay?"
"Definitely," Sirius said sincerely.
Beside him, James sighed. "I don't know about the rest of you," he mused aloud, "but I am starving. Let's pick up the pace and get going, okay?"
"Do mine ears deceive me?" Sirius said dramatically. "Or did Prongs just say he was hungry? I mean, come off it, he eats like a bird."
"And you, Padfoot, eat like a horse," James said, walking faster now. "I don't see what your point is."
"What d'you mean, eats like a horse?" Peter said unexpectedly. "Honestly, he eats like a dog."
James worked hard the rest of the day to maintain the lighthearted atmosphere they had created during lunch to keep Sirius's mind off his parents' less than polite letter. He knew Sirius well enough to know that his best friend had a tendency to brood if you let him, and James had no intention of letting him. Not only was brooding unhealthy, but it also spread a damp mood throughout their dorm. His attempts were to no avail, however, when the next morning Sirius received yet another letter from his parents.
This one was much like the first, expressing their wishes that Sirius come home over the holidays, carrying a disapproving tone, as well as one or two snide comments about Sirius's taste in friends and his behavior at school. Once again, Sirius allowed his mood to be soured by the letter, and spent most of the day in a foul mood.
For the next two weeks, letters continued to come. As the days drew on, the letters got worse. Soon, Walburga and Orion Black were ordering their eldest son home, rather than requesting it. The disapproving tone grew into disapproving and even threatening words, and the snide comments seemed to multiply with every letter. At Sirius's refusal to reply, the Blacks sent a rather nasty letter to McGonagall, ordering her to order Sirius home over Christmas break. Of course, McGonagall was a force to be reckoned with, and while she did discuss the letter with Sirius after class one day, she wasn't about to let a letter tell her what to do and firmly told Sirius that it was still his choice and he didn't have to leave Hogwarts if he didn't want to. The epistles wore on Sirius, despite his friends' insistence that they hardly mattered. He grew surlier and moodier as the break drew closer. He ignored all James's attempts to cheer him up and he grew unnaturally recluse.
By the Thursday before school let out, Sirius had grown so irritable that James decided he was going to do something about his best friend's sour mood before it got any worse. He didn't get a chance to have a serious talk with him until after dinner in the dormitory as he got ready for quidditch practice, but when he was his opportunity, he jumped on it.
Sirius was sitting on his bed, staring blankly at the open book he was supposed to read for Transfiguration. His sour expression and lack of interest of what was going on around him was a sure sign that he wasn't reading at all, but brooding about whatever happened to cross his mind.
"You wanna explain what's been going on?" James asked, pulling his broomstick out of his trunk.
"You've seen the letters. Hell, you've even read some of them, James," Sirius said, looking up at him. "You know what's going on."
"What I meant was do you want to explain why you're taking this so hard."
Sirius sighed, "Once again, you've seen the letters. How would you feel if your parents were feeding you that kind of trash?"
"I thought we established back in our first year that your parents are morons and their opinions are essentially worthless," James said forcefully, well aware that now Peter was watching both of them with interest, but Remus was still diligently trying not to listen and was still digging through his trunk for something.
"We did, all right?" Sirius conceded. "But just forget about all this, okay? It's nothing."
"Well, you're certainly acting like it's more than nothing, mate. I'm worried and concerned. Just tell me why you're taking this so hard," James replied deliberately.
"Just drop it, James. You wouldn't understand," Sirius said wearily.
"Then make me understand. I'm not going to drop this until I know what's going on inside that thick head of yours."
"Forget about it, okay? I'm not going to talk about this; you wouldn't get it," Sirius insisted again.
"Wouldn't get what? That your parents are morons? That you're taking this way too hard? Is that what I wouldn't get?" James asked, feeling his temper start to slip at his friend's stubbornness.
"You really don't get it," Sirius said, looking at James with an odd expression across his face. "You don't understand at all, but, of course, I shouldn't have expected you to."
"What's that supposed to mean?" James retorted.
"It means you've got a perfect life, James!" Sirius said, lashing out as he often did when in an uncomfortable situation. He knew James was just trying to help, but he didn't want his advice, or his pity, or whatever it was he was trying to offer. "Nothing bad ever happens to you! You've got a perfect family. There's no way that you could possibly understand what this is like!"
James didn't say anything, so Sirius just continued. "Think about it logically, James! Your parents love you, your brother adores you! There's no way you could understand what it's like to have parents that hate you, that think nothing of you. Who are you to tell me that I'm taking this too hard? You're James Potter, the quidditch star, one of the top students in the class, plenty of money with a good family on top of it. Come off it, James, what's the worst thing that's ever happened to you? Evans won't go out on a date with you? Oh, no, the world is going to end! Face it, nothing bad ever happens to the great James Potter. But just look at who you're sharing a dorm with!
"My whole family hates me, and harasses me even when I'm not home! Peter's parents are divorced and would rather kill each other than look at each other," Sirius snapped loudly. "And Remus is a bloody werewolf, for crying out loud! We all know that's never been easy for him! Really, we look like your charity cases, not your friends! Is that what we are? Your charity cases? Does it make you feel better to know your helping out the less fortunate? Do you go home over the holidays and tell your mum about all the good deeds you did for the poor boys in your dormitory?" Sirius paused and took a deep breath. Looking at James, he could now see the mingled look of shock and hurt in his eyes, and it jarred him back into his senses. He ran a hand angrily through his hair, before he abruptly stood up and left the room, slamming the door behind him.
The silence left in his wake was deafening.
"You know I don't think of you guys like that, right?" James said slowly, quietly, staring at the door Sirius had just left through. He wasn't sure how much of Sirius's angry speech he had meant, but it hurt to hear his best friend yell at him like that nonetheless. "I couldn't ask for better friends than you guys. I wouldn't trade you for anything. And I certainly don't think of you as charity cases."
"We know, James," Remus said, finally turning back around from his trunk. "Just like you know that Sirius and Peter don't begrudge you for coming from a good home, and just like I don't hate any of you for not being a werewolf. He didn't mean what he said."
James ran a hand through his already disheveled hair. "I know. I probably provoked him into saying half of that, anyway. Well, better he yell at me than someone who might actually find it offensive," James replied, smiling wanly. "I've gotta get going to practice. I'll see you when I get back."
Both Remus and Peter nodded. "Can I borrow your Cloak?" Remus asked as James was about to leave. "I want to find Sirius before he does anything stupid, you know?"
James nodded. "Of course," he muttered absently before leaving the dormitory, closing the door quietly behind him. James walked quietly down the halls after leaving the common room on his way to the quidditch pitch, completely engrossed in his thoughts. He just couldn't shake the things Sirius had said. He knew Sirius hadn't meant half of it (particularly the last half), and that he only said what he did out of repressed anger, but his words kept echoing in James's head anyway. When he thought about it, he realized how much of what Sirius had said was true. He really only had two problems in life. One: Lily Evans refused to date him and hated him, and two: Snivellus wanted him dead, or at the very least expelled. And both these problems seemed pathetic next to what his closest friends had to endure. So why did he get off so easily when his friends, who were probably better people than he was anyway, had to suffer so much? It just didn't make sense.
The world doesn't make sense, James, he thought to himself. You've known that since you were ten. People always said that bad things happen to good people. So why couldn't good things happen to good people? His friends deserved so much more than what they had. Sirius deserved a family that loved him; Peter deserved parents who didn't hate each other; Remus deserved a normal life. And, on top of that, some small cynical voice in his head reasoned venomously, he probably deserved a lot less than what he had. Life, he figured as he walked onto the pitch, was solely designed to wreak havoc with his sense of justice.
Meanwhile, Remus wasn't making much headway in his search for Sirius. He'd already checked the kitchens, the library, the room behind the mirror on the fourth floor, most of the bathrooms, and the majority of the secret passages, but it appeared Sirius had vanished. He paused for a moment by a window on the third floor, and stared up into the night sky. He wasn't much for stargazing. He hadn't been since he was four and was bitten in th light of the moon. Ever since the night sky seemed to be a physical manifestation of the pain he endured every month. And then realization dawned on him: he hated stargazing, but Sirius had always said it calmed him down. Ten minutes and many flights of stairs later he found himself at the top of the near empty Astronomy Tower.
Sirius was leaning against one of the walls surrounding the tower, staring up the sky. He made no indication that he saw Remus or that he noticed him as Remus walked over and slid down against the wall next to him. Remus, ever patient and ever in control, sat next to Sirius in silence until his friend saw fit to break it.
"Is James mad at me?" Sirius asked after several minutes in silence.
Remus shook his head. "You know what he's like. He said he provoked you into saying most of what you did, and that he'd rather you yell at him then someone who might take it offensively. I can't say he wasn't hurt by what you said, though."
"I figured as much," Sirius muttered. "Why do I always do that? Yell at people who try to cheer me up?"
"I don't know," Remus mused. "I do know, however, that it's a common defense mechanism called displacement, so it's not completely unnatural."
"Oh, well that's comforting," Sirius said snidely before he sighed, looking up at the brightly shining stars. "James was right, though. My parents are morons, and I shouldn't care what they think. And I wish I could just shrug it off, but I can't, you know? I don't want to care that they hate me, but I do anyway. It's hard to understand."
Remus smirked. "Sirius, out of everyone in this entire school, I am probably the one person who understands that sentiment more than you do. Do you honestly think it doesn't bother me that I know that the majority of the school would hate me if they knew what I was? Do you think I'm not disturbed that Thelen would like to see me kicked out of this school because of something I can't control? Trust me, Sirius, I know exactly what you mean."
"I guess I never thought of it that way," Sirius murmured.
"Most people don't," Remus said lightly. "So I won't hold it against you. But, you know, this boat we're sitting in, it's an innate part of human nature."
Sirius raised his eyebrows. "How come I get the feeling you're about to get real technical on me now?"
"Because I am. Now don't interrupt, because this is going to make me sound really smart," Remus said, grinning slightly. "There was this muggle psychologist named Maslow, and he came up with this thing called the Hierarchy of Human Needs. And it's this little pyramid thing, and according to him, people can't reach the highest point on the pyramid without first achieving the bottom of the pyramid first. In the middle of this thing is the 'belongingness need'. It's the innate human need to feel love and affection and to have a feeling that they belong somewhere. Without it, they can't move on to the self-esteem or self-actualization needs. Now, most people meet this need with their family."
"Only I can't," Sirius said.
Remus nodded. "There's nothing wrong with that, so long as you can fill that void somewhere else. And, whether you've realized it yet or not, you have filled that need. James would do anything for you. Peter and I would do likewise. Merlin, James thinks of you as family. So, if you belong anywhere, it's with your friends. We're more of a family for you than anyone else. People do this sort of thing all the time, Sirius. I mean, I've never felt like I belong in society, so I found (or maybe you found me) myself a group of people who disregard society anyway, and I'm accepted. We all want to feel like people care about us, it's not just you."
"How do you know all this?" Sirius asked incredulously. "I have a hard time believing that you read this all in some book."
"You're right, it wasn't a book," Remus said. "A healer, at St. Mungo's named Marianne Belby, told me all this over the summer."
"I thought you said you didn't end up in St. Mungo's over the summer," Sirius said, his tone now one of legitimate concern.
"I didn't. Not for medical reasons, at least," Remus said looking around. "About twenty years ago, or so, St. Mungo's and Werewolf Support Services in the Ministry started some program for underage werewolves. It provides discounted medical care, and that sort of thing. All that I have to do is stay in a secure place over full moons, and show up at St. Mungo's once a month to have a pleasant counseling session with a healer– well, now that I'm in school, I only have to go over the summer, but that's a different matter. All we do is discuss new treatment options, and they make sure that I'm a well-adjusted human being so that when I'm an adult I don't decide that I hate wizarding-kind and go on a mass killing spree. Marianne Belby is the healer I normally see when I go," he finished with a slight shrug of his shoulders.
"I never knew that," Sirius said, looking at Remus strangely now.
"It's not something I ever really talk about," Remus mused. "Just like you normally don't talk about your family. We've all got skeletons we hide in our closets."
Sirius nodded absently, turning his attention back to the sky. "So, are you telling me it's normal for me to feel angry that my family is disgusted with me?" he mused.
"Fairly normal, yes," Remus replied. "But it's still not something you should dwell on, because that certainly isn't healthy. You've just got to look at things in perspective. Your parents are disgusted with you, but a large portion of this school would help you if you ever needed it. James and Peter and I, in particular, would do anything for you, just as you would do anything for us."
Sirius didn't answer, but allowed a companionable silence to envelope them.
After a few minutes, Remus ventured, "Are you ready to go back?"
Sirius shook his head. "No, I think I'll stay out here a bit longer."
"I'll leave the Cloak with you, then," Remus said, pulling it out of his pocket. "It's still early enough to excuse my way out of a detention if Filch catches me. Don't stay out too long, okay?"
Sirius nodded his compliance and watched Remus disappear down the staircase. He stayed outside on top of the Astronomy Tower for another couple of hours, despite the bone biting chill in the mid-December air. He just needed somewhere quiet to mull things over in his head. Finally, after nearly falling asleep twice against the hard wall, he decided to return to the warmth of the common room, determined to apologize to James for what he said if he was still awake.
Of course, when he did finally make it to Gryffindor Tower, James was already asleep in the dormitory. Apologies would just have to wait til later, then.
Sirius woke to a flurry of activity the next morning. James, as well as Remus and Peter, was already up and dressed, and was tearing apart the room looking for his Transfiguration homework. Sirius sat up and blinked several times. "What's going on?" he asked sleepily.
"James can't find his homework," Remus said, looking slightly amused. "Did you check the common room, James?"
"Yes, I checked the common room. I'm not stupid, Moony," James said irritably, before turning to Sirius and grinning. "It appears that Sleeping Beauty is finally up. What time did you get back last night?"
"It was after two," Peter piped up from where he was leaning against the window sill.
"Well, I'd probably be sleeping then too," James mused. "Hurry up and get your robes on. If we take any longer we're going to miss breakfast."
"Are you sure one of the girls doesn't have it?" Remus asked James. "You were helping Serena and Athena with the essay last night, remember?"
James smacked hishandto his foreheadas Sirius quickly got dressed. "Of course, how could I have forgotten," he announced. "I gave it to Athena last night to copy. I feel like an idiot."
"Can we leave now?" Peter asked. "I'm starving, and Sirius is dressed now."
Without waiting for an answer, he marched out the door, pulling Remus along with him, implying that James and Sirius should follow. James made to follow them out, but Sirius held him back.
"James, about last night," he started uneasily.
"Don't worry about it, all right?" James said, pulling his sleeve out of Sirius's grasp. Not waiting for Sirius to reply, he headed down the staircase.
"Really, James, I'm sorry," Sirius proclaimed as he followed.
"I know you are," James said lightly. "Don't sweat it. It's no big deal."
Sirius was about to say something more as they stepped into the common room, but McGonagall's stern voice interrupted him.
"Mr. Potter," she began solemnly. "I need to speak with you in my office."
"I didn't do it, Professor," James replied instinctively. "I swear. I was at practice all last night, I couldn't have done anything."
McGonagall's solemn expression didn't waver. "Now, James," she ordered quietly.
James's brow furrowed. McGonagall never called him by his first name. She just didn't; it was against her code of honor or some such thing. He was always Mr. Potter, or when she was angry, just Potter. Most eyes in the common room were on them, now, and James decided he better get this over with, and obligingly crossed the common room and exited the portrait hole, McGonagall trailing after him. Several times on their trek to her office, James cast the professor furtive looks, trying to figure out what was going on. The solemn and distraught look across McGonagall's face was a clear sign that something was not right. Either something had happened to someone in his family, or he was in serious trouble. But neither of those made sense. He got a letter from home just yesterday, and according to his mum, everyone was fine. And he would have known if he were in trouble because, well, he'd have caused trouble, but he hadn't done anything in the last few days. His mind still racing, he followed McGonagall into her office, closing the door with a loud snap behind him.
"Sit down, James," McGonagall said somberly.
He did as he was told, but was still very confused. McGonagall was never this distraught. Even when he had accidently set fire to her desk in his fourth year, there had still been a glint of amusement in her eyes. Seeing her look so outwardly upset about something worried the fifteen year old more than anything else.
"What's going on, Professor?" he asked, trying desperately to read the mixed expressions on McGonagall's face.
She sighed and looked at James sadly. "We received this from your parents a short while ago," she said as she handed a letter to James.
James took it warily. He identified the untidy scrawl as his father's, although there seemed to be something wrong with it. The writing was rather jerky, as thought it had been written with a trembling hand. Looking down at the letter, the first sentence boded ill.
James, I'm sorry, but I've got some terrible news . . . I just don't know how to break it to you.
an: And that is the end of Chapter 13, which I really like (even if I did wander around my house for an hour and a half trying to avoid writing that last part. Really, I knew this was going to happen since chapter 3 or 4 of Shadowed Veil, but now that I'm here, I don't want to write it). Anyway, I hope you enjoyed that. I leave next week for out of town (I'll be gone for two weeks) so I don't know when I'll be updating.
Please forgive any grammar or spelling mistakes. And please review, even if it's just three words. Your reviews make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. And any questions or comments you have, I'll try to answer.
Delano