I awoke at the park in confusion, the sky was a pale lilac and the swings croaking even though no breeze was present,
"Confused are you?" I knew that voice; it was… it was my own. My head snapped into the direction of the voice, my voice. It was me, but it wasn't, but it was if that makes sense, it was me, a kiddie smile, daggy track pants and a tattered white shirt, old me, like back from year seven, "What happened to me Shaun?" I blinked at me confused,
"What do you mean? I mean… whatever, what…" He… I laughed and came towards myself, I was confused beyond belief, I then came to the conclusion I was dreaming,
"We used to be so happy, what happened to us? Where did I go…" he pushed up my sleeves and the two of us looked at my scars, "Why did I do this?" I shrugged,
"I don't know,"
"YES YOU DO!" He snapped, "You do, I share the same mind as you, I can tell you know," I sat there in silence, "Tell me, why,"
"I was sick of not being good enough," he shook his head and ran his fingers over my scars, they opened up and I was met with unbearable pain,
"Tell me the whole reason," tears began to fall from my eyes in pain, this wasn't a dream, it was a fucking nightmare,
"It-it was mum, and dad, I felt like they didn't love me anymore," he continued to drag his fingers over my skin making it tear apart, bloodcurdling screams were coming out of my throat,
"What else, why else did I do this?" my past self growled as the blood began to pool on the grass, "WHAT ELSE," he shouted and I reefed my arm away from him,
"I… I figured out I was gay, the shame and humiliation was too much," he smirked as if pleased and stood up,
"You know what will happen to you in a few years?" I shook my head holding my arm close to my body, the blood soaking into my jacket, darkness surrounded him and I saw my actual self in front of me, my age, but with fully black eyes and wild hair all over the place, "You'll be dead," he whispered and my surroundings went dark, the sky cracked open and it began to rain silently, the only sounds were that of my own cries.
I shot up in a cold sweat and checked my arms, nothing, just the same burning sensation as always, tears sat dry on my cheeks, a nightmare, that's all it was, just a nightmare. I looked over at the time, 2:35a.m, not even close to sunrise; I didn't know if I'd attend school, could I? I was more of a wreck than usual at the moment; it might not be same, well for me at least.
Andy's P.O.V
"Bradie hurry up!" He groaned and came down the stairs, I was impatient this morning, I wanted to check on Shaun, "Bradie!"
"I'm coming, jeez," he shouted back and appeared in the hallway, "Happy," I nodded,
"Yes, let's go," he followed me out lethargically to the car, we pulled up the front of Shaun's house and there was no car in the driveway as usual, his parents often left for work early. I slammed on the car horn several times and waited a while for him to come out, nothing. I repeated the process three or four times and still nothing, fuck. My heart started to beat rapidly and I panicked,
"Maybe he just isn't coming today," I took of my belt and got out of the car ignoring Bradie's comment,
"SHAUN, SHAUN ARE YOU COMING," No response, I was starting to fear the worst, he wouldn't have… no, no. I walked over to his bedroom window and knocked a few times, his blinds were pulled shut and I was full on worrying. "Shaun please, answer me," I heard something fall over inside, it sounded like metal hitting the floor, "SHAUN," I screamed at the top of my lungs,
"Andy…" he mumbled and I knocked on the window repeatedly, suddenly the blinds were reefed open and I sighed in relief, "What are you doing?"
"School," I replied calmer than I expected, "You-You scared me, I-I thought you'd… you'd…"
"Killed myself?" he answered bluntly with a tinge of a smirk. He was scaring me at that moment, it was the first time I was ever truly worried for him, that gut-wrenching feeling of loss, the fuzz in your head with slight whispers of the words you fear, 'they're dead'.
"Are you coming today?" he shook his head,
"I'm not feeling up to it, I'll text you later if you want, I'll probably message Bradie to find out what work I missed," I nodded my head stiffly and walked back to the car.
"Is everything okay?" Bradie queried and I nodded; but the real question was is everything alright?
Shaun's P.O.V
I think I'd terrified the shit out of Andy, he'd looked like he'd seen a fucking ghost; then again he had seen me. He was freaked I could tell, especially when I said I wasn't going to school, he thought I'd killed myself. Little did he know the metal dropping was in fact a blade, a razor blade, I'd pulled one out of mum's razor and dragged it on my arm. The sound was made as I dropped it muttering 'fuck', more blood had come out than I intended, there was a bunch of tissues wrapped around it to try and pacify the flow of blood. I pulled closed the blinds sighing, my head beginning to feel light and funny, I pressed play and suddenly Jersey by Mayday Parade began,
"Cause Jersey colder and I'll have you know I'm scared to death, that everything that you had said to me was just a lie until you left," I felt myself relax but forced my mind to keep me awake, I wanted to avoid another nightmare as much as possible. My own words from it scared me shitless, 'You'll be dead'; I was terrified to say the least. Would I die? If I continued down this path it seemed possible, so possible I actually shook at the thought, "I need to distract myself," I shot up and grabbed my guitar, songs began circling in my head again, in the back of my head… wait… A smile braced my face and I started strumming the chords, "Are you lost without me, are you better off dead, you should keep it all here in the back of my head," I smiled pleased with myself and continued to play and compose, maybe this was the key to me keeping my sanity, song, it's better than going insane.
My phone rang as I put the final touches on the song I'd written that day,I'd named it 'Back of My Head' seeing as if it weren't for me thinking of that line there'd be no song, "Hello?"
"Shaun? Hey, it's just me; Bradie," I didn't need him to say that, the only people in that school with my number were him and Andrew, my family had no need to call me and Andy sounded nothing like him,
"Yeah and…" I felt really snappy towards him, I didn't mean to,
"I was just calling to see if you were okay, maybe you want to come over tonight?" I went to say yes as a sudden pain shot through my arm, the scar you idiot, I couldn't; I couldn't scare Bradie nor could I worry Andy,
"Nah I might stay home, if one of you wants to come around later to check up on me you can, but I wouldn't advise it, Dad wouldn't be too happy," he hummed in agreement,
"Andy will probably call you later, what happened this morning? He's been all quiet and jumpy…" I stared at the half-healed scar on my arm from earlier that morning, it was bigger than the rest but that didn't really mean much when it came to my scars,
"N-nothing happened, I just freaked him out when I appeared at the window, bye Bradie." I hung up not giving him even a second to respond. It was only about five o'clock; my parents weren't due home for at the least another hour, my arm began to itch but I couldn't seem to move, it was like I'd shoved myself in some sort of paralysis. "I need help…" I whispered to the darkness around me, I needed to go to school the next day whether I liked it or not, hell was better than being trapped within my own raging thoughts.