GabZ – It's not like Bryan and Tala don't like each other. More like they never tried to put a name on it. That and I'm pretty sure the 'L' word was forbidden in the abbey.

P.S: Sorry if the beginning was too stupid

My Sweet Little Pain

Love:

To have love or affection for another person; be in love.

Affectionate concern for the well-being of others.

A person toward whom love is felt; sweetheart.

God, I hate dictionaries. They never do anything other than leave us with more doubts. For starters, what the hell is 'sweetheart'?

Hn. Time to pretend I didn't spend my childhood in the Stone Age and goggle it. Let's see. 'Love + enter' equals to…

How many results!?

Shit. This is gonna take a while…

-x-

Later that night found me in bed, with Bryan on top kissing his way down to my stomach. His knife is on the nightstand as usual but since we had some fun in the morning it was very unlikely for it to join in. It left me wondering about all the limits Bryan had established for us.

It almost felt strange. The way he would hold me after sex, the looks he would give me when he was worried, how he would slightly put himself in front of me should any threat appear, ready to put up a fight but not threatening my position as captain. Looking now, Bryan was treating me differently.

Was he….caring about me?

A shiver run down my spine and the thin layer of sweat covering my body grows cold. Hands shaking, I pull his head forward mine, suddenly anxious to see his untamable eyes.

But when I finally get to see them, it's there. The feeling I feared the most.

My thorn master, my falcon, my Bryan… cares.

"Why?" – I whisper, fighting back tears. In the back of my mind, old memories came to life once again. Memories of my father, how he used to care…

Would Bryan do the same?

For the first time, my falcon retreats. Sitting in my hips in one fluid motion, he turns his head to the side, as if ashamed of what he'd done. Does he know what that's all about?

"Because…you understand me."

I nod, even if he can't see. It's true, I understand him when everybody else doesn't. Proof is everybody thought I was suicidal when I tried to copy his sharp ministrations back in the hospital.

But…he's the only one that understands me too. The one who knows how to bring me back when memories and cold take over. The one that keeps me alive with his blade and eyes and touch and…something else. Something I refused to name until now.

I always considered Bryan my 'beloved' thorn master. Even if I couldn't (and still can't) grasp the correct meaning of love it was a precious word, one I wouldn't use with anyone else. I knew Bryan was important to me like no one else would ever be. He was the one keeping me alive, damn it!

But…could it be more? More than my life and pleasure…more than something to destroy the ice, bringing color and warmth back…

Could it be real love?

Suddenly, I needed to touch him. To feel him holding me tight. Forget sex! Hell, forget the knife!

I just want Bryan by my side.

And is that (maybe) more than unexpected realization that makes me say the words like I have known them all my life.

"I love you."

However, it was silly for me to think things would be okay. I had an issue with people caring about me, it was only natural for Bryan to have an issue of his own.

I just never thought those sharp, untamable eyes would look at me full of hurt and betrayal.

-x-

Time seemed to screech after that fateful night. Spencer got a job, claiming it wasn't fair for us to live from Bryan's money and that he was getting cabin fever or something (even if I'm pretty sure we're all immune by now) leaving the afternoons for me and Bryan alone. That said, I'm pretty sure you can imagine what went on the moment Spencer closed the front door, right?

Wrong.

Cause even if the universe seems to give us a break, Bryan wasn't talking to me. Oh, scratch that. He wasn't even looking at my direction. The care-love mess was almost two weeks ago and the only thing I know is that Bryan isn't sleeping in our room!

Needless to say I'm way beyond frustrated. But since that won't bring Bryan back, I guess I'll have to go to him. Which brings he question: if I was a falcon, where would I go?

The answer was obvious: the sky. However, Bryan can't fly.

The closest thing?

Again an easy answer: the roof.

So I grabbed all the courage I could muster and walked to the roof, ignoring the fact I have never been there before. And sure enough my thorn master was there, sitting on the very edge, letting Moscou's cold wind caress his hair and kiss his face.

For a moment I was jealous.

But then he noticed me and time stood still.

"Tala." – he acknowledged without turning to face me. My name never sounded so heavy on his lips.

Forcing some air on my lungs I walked forward, sitting beside him on the edge, ignoring the snow slowly soaking my pants. I have been cold since he left my side so it wouldn't make much of a difference anyway. If fact I was quite certain my body's temperature was even lower than the snow.

"I'm sorry." – I keep my eyes on the street below, briefly wondering if the fall could kill me – "I shouldn't have said that."

Bryan let out a long sigh and for the first time he seemed very, very tired.

"I can't love you back. I can't accept your love either."

I blink, officially lost.

"Why?" – is my brainless question.

"Because I don't want to kill you."

My hand moves but I caught it before any damage is done. It was clear he didn't want to be touched now, especially by me. Instead I force some words out of my lips. And yeah, those still sound brainless.

"I don't understand. "

"My mom loved my father once. If she didn't, she would have left him and kept his life."

My heart skipped a beat as realization hit me like a brick wall. My falcon had always been logical, crude. He lacked the ability to completely understand an emotional situation, therefore his mind focused in making logical assumptions.

Add that to Boris' training and we have love = death.

"I don't care if I die. But I don't want to kill you." – he adds as to confirm my suspicious.

I grab his hand before I even think about it.

"My father…" – my voice is nothing but a weak whisper but I'm too tense to be ashamed. I have never told this to anyone – "He cared about me. At least, that's what he always said when he beated me. That it was good for me, necessary."

I'm trembling now, memories flashing before my eyes too fast for my conscious to understand but too slow for me to just ignore it. Somewhere along the way I had the impression of something holding me, but I couldn't be sure.

"'It will make you strong', he said. 'I do this because I care'. Eventually, I stopped crying but it just made things worse. My father got harsher, started to beat me even on the streets. 'I'm the only one who cares', he would say then, 'The only one that doesn't look away'. Boris saw us in one of those times, when I was already used to it. He brought me on the spot and I ended up in the Abbey."

Slowly I started to come back, regaining enough control over my body to look straight into lavender eyes. And I know he made the connection. It wasn't that hard anyway.

Care = pain.

"You said you care…I don't know when it started, but you never acted like my father. Will you now after I told you this?"

"No." – his voice is soft but even, his eyes glowing with the same care I saw the last time we shared a bed – "You understand me. I will not hurt you."

"Then I will not die. Then I will not kill you." – raising my free hand I caressed his face. His skin is cold and his body is rigid, but it all disappears as my touch spreads my body heat.

I could only hope for him to see my logic.

"You say that now. "

"I will say that forever. "

"I don't believe you."

"I don't care. "

Bryan turns his eyes away from me. It felt like a slap straight to my face. Once again I wonder what would happen if I was to fall.

"If it changes, will you leave?" – his voice is nothing but a whisper.

"Yes." – I probably wouldn't, but he didn't need to know that.

If Bryan noticed my lie he didn't say anything about it. At least I didn't hear him protesting.

Then again, it's very hard to think with someone kissing you senseless.