Love and Other Tragedies
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or the Aftertime series (in which one scene was inspired by) and I'm not making any money- just a fan and aspiring writer trying to hone my craft.
Previously: Grace Murray and Lily are both targeted by Professor Crouch, and end up bonding over their mutual loathing of the DADA teacher in a two week detention span. Lily liked Grace so much she invited her to her "small intimate" birthday gathering, but Grace didn't show up. Kat finally opened up her feelings for Remus and when she tells Lily that she doesn't feel the crush is mutual, Lily encouraged her to make the first move, seeing as Remus is far too shy to take the initiative. Harvey, her pet turtle, isn't in the best health only adding to the stress of life. Callum Palmer came on strong at the beginning of the year, but after an awkward first date and uncomfortable kiss from lust potion their friendship fizzled. They were making progress when Lily asked him to be her date to the Christmas ball, but then James' confession of love and Baker's arrival kept them apart all night. So when Lily had a breakdown at her birthday party she couldn't have been more surprised when it was Callum there, listening to her confession about her affair with James. Remus feeling guilty for Lily and Sirius split, confessed his lycanthropy to Lily wanting her to understand that his best mate was not purposefully keeping secrets from her. Baker's White Cloak partner gave Lily his Ring of Honor because he "loved her best." James told Lily she was pathetic last year and set off a chain reaction of events that neither of them could have ever predicted.
Chapter Fourteen
The Forgotten
Grace Murray was gone.
Disappeared in the middle of the night without a word from what Lily had heard. It had been the talk of the Ravenclaw common room according to Callum.
"What are the professors doing?" She asked him as they arranged their parchment before History of Magic. Callum had returned to his proper seat beside her and she was happy to see that their camaraderie from the night before had spilled into normal life. She'd felt better waking up than she had since before the Auror Murders. Even Harvey had an extra jazz to his waddle this morning. Grace's mysterious whereabouts where quickly becoming a huge blemish on her nice day though.
Callum shrugged. The blue jumper he wore contrasted nicely with his dark curls, but did nothing for the new almost sickly complexion of his skin. "What is there to do? There was no struggle and some of her possessions were missing. She probably just left."
Professor Binns' infamously monotonous lecture left her to think over the situation.
Not that they had been best mates or anything, but she'd spent a lot of quality time with Grace over the past two weeks in detention. If she was planning to suddenly leave Hogwarts wouldn't she have mentioned it? It just didn't make sense. Grace had even accepted her invitation to the party last night. That didn't seem like the actions of someone saying goodbye.
"I appreciate your concern, Ms. Evans." Professor McGonagall sat primly, staring across her desk at the Head Girl. Lily had sought out the Head of Gryffindor to try and gain some perspective on the Ravenclaw's sudden departure. "The matter was fully investigated. I commend your inquisitive spirit, but there is nothing sinister amiss, I assure you."
And that was all she would say about the matter, which only made Lily more suspicious. It was impossible to just get up and walk out of Hogwarts in the middle of the night! To consider it was almost completely ridiculous. And if she'd really left under her own prerogative then why not tell someone? Why sneak out in the dark of night without even a note to her friends?
"But why would the professors try and cover it up?" Kat reasoned after Lily dragged the subject up for the millionth time since Grace's disappearance two weeks before.
It was unseasonably warm for the middle of February and the girls were making good use of the clear sky, bringing a blanket out on the lawn to do their homework. They were still wrapped in coats, but the sun's warmth kept them comfortable despite the chill. It was just the two of them. Lily had noticed Kat putting in more of effort to preserve their friendship even as she got closer with Marley.
The redhead struggled against her long hair as gust of wind whipped around them. It only added to her irritation of Kat's very reasonable question. She made good point, but Lily didn't want to hear it. She couldn't rationalize the feeling in her gut. Her instincts were demanding attention to the matter.
Sensing a way to put the conversation away once and for all, Kat jumped in again at her lack of response. "If something was happening to the students, the teachers would be the first ones to want to figure it out. Students are getting pulled out left and right. The professors are always going on about how Hogwarts is really the safest place for anyone to be right now, and how the risk lies outside the castle walls."
"Exactly!" A theory was building in her mind as quick as spider weaving its web. "If they admit that Grace was kidnapped or…something else then it would cause a huge panic. Everyone but the muggleborns would be forced to leave by their parents. The professors are sweeping it under the rug because they think it's for the best interest of the majority! Hogwarts gets to stay open and fewer students are endangered."
The raven haired girl remained thoroughly unconvinced, twisting her face in a doubtful expression. "I'm sorry, Lovely, but this paranoia is getting ridiculous. Who would want to hurt Grace Murray? Everyone thought she was clever and witty. You know as well as I do that Death Eaters can't get into Hogwarts. If they could then we would both be dead."
"I still think I should talk to Dumbledore. It's my job as Head Girl to look out for the good of school." Kat's logical point had soured her again, and instead of pushing their conversation forward, ensuring a row, she changed the subject. "Gotten any good hard shags lately?"
Kat blushed as Lily used her words. Remus was the only person who could cause her to flush with embarrassment. Her hands busied with her things, refusing to meet the emerald eyes that peered at her expectantly. "I was going to talk to him… Things just keep getting in the way and it's not exactly the easiest subject to broach, you know. 'Hey, Lupin. I fancy you. Care for a snog?' It's all terribly mortifying."
"I'll just go and inform the Hufflepuffs you've decided to transfer then." Lily remarked, flipping her hair in a careless swing. "Why not scrounge up a little of that Gryffindor courage? I've seen you face much scarier things. Remember that time you helped Evie clean out her trunk? Now that was terrifying."
She could not stop her smile at Lily's teasing. "Confessing my feelings for a bloke is a little different than fighting off Noggers nesting in hair potions."
"I'll make you a deal." She appealed to Kat's pushy side. She could never pass up an opportunity to butt-in Lily's life. "If you do something brave…I will too."
Her expression was skeptical. "Finally taking the initiative and snapping up the delicious Callum Palmer? If I didn't know how frightfully attached you are to that blasted miniature reptile then I would suspect you were training Palmer as a new pet. Give him a collar and I'd surely mistake him for a puppy the way he follows you around."
"I don't exactly have a courageous act in mind right now." Lily admitted, ignoring her jab. "I'll make sure to make it as big and embarrassing as possible just for you though."
A mischievous grin overtook her face, telling her the answer even before Kat spoke. "Deal."
Their agreement was still splashing around her mind that night as she lounged in the Head Suite. James had continued his quest of being friendly while hammering up impenetrable walls to keep them from getting 'too' friendly. The brief peck on her birthday remained their only contact since school began and she couldn't help from testing his resolve, putting herself in his path as often as she could. It was as if she was daring him to break.
Just before sunset he attempted his swift escape. Trying to be as carefree as possible, she stepped in front of him as if to engage him in casual conversation. His immediate half step back would have amused her if she wasn't so offended. She was starting to suspect he'd found some rare charm that repelled his body from her, like the backs of two magnets.
"Going for a nice stroll around the grounds?" Her smile was strained with excessive cheer.
Like a dear finding itself in an arrow's crosshairs, his eyes widened realizing he was nearing a trap. James was no skittish animal though and his face masked almost instantly with cool indifference. "Precisely. I'll just be going then."
Predicting his attempt to step around her she went left, but it had only been a feint as carefully maneuvered as his Quidditch tactics and she had no choice but to watch him go without looking like a complete loon by chasing after him. It was like just as she could see the visible distance growing between them, she could feel it too. "Rather dangerous to be taking a walk under a full moon, Potter."
He turned back to her, hand ruffling away at his hair. It was a good sign. He was nervous.
Lily took a step toward him across the almost half a room that separated them. Apparently, there was no amount of distance large enough to satisfy his requirement. He took a step back as if she'd suddenly invaded his personal space. "Take me with you."
Choking on his disbelief, he could barely speak at her request. His uncaring charade was broken as his eyes burned with anger and something else she couldn't quite put her finger on. "Are you mad? You do realize that werewolves aren't fluffy little animals to coo your amusement at? If you're expecting that sweet, gentle Remus Lupin wouldn't rip your head off under a full moon then you're seriously confused."
"Obviously, it's safe if you lot go every month." She pointed out, but felt stupid and shamed by his outburst. Without the slightest crack in his resolve, he didn't even have to speak to let her know there was no chance he'd take her. His unwavering stance told her everything she needed to know.
Suddenly she was in sixth year all over again, watching Sirius slip away while she smiled and acted like it didn't bother her. There had been some sort of unspoken truce between them. James might see her as pathetic, but he was never the one that made her that way. He'd been the only one to ever tell her that it wasn't okay to push her happiness away to please others, but not this time. For the first time it was James leaving her behind, not trusting her and not including her.
He read all of these emotions across her face as easily as he could pick up one of the books that lined the walls. Her eyes were traitorous creatures, giving away secrets to anyone who took the time to look. She would've given anything to be more like James with his stoic loyal face.
A grimace shivered down his features, but it felt like a victory. "Meet me here Saturday night."
"But it won't be a full moon anymore."
"Just come." He sighed heavily and left without another word.
The next night Lily made her dutiful weekly trip to the Gryffindor common room. Spending her one free night from detention fulfilling a Head duty made her sulky, but she wouldn't mind the company. There was something comfortingly familiar about the bustle of her peers surrounded by red and gold. The only problem was getting a good spot that was reclusive enough to get through your schoolwork without distractions, and she'd solved that problem by skipping dinner so she could arrive early to steal her favorite hidden nook.
The portrait swung open to reveal the instant Kat stepped forward, pressed her toes into the floor, and raised her lips to Remus'. They didn't notice her entrance to the otherwise abandoned common room, and Lily only had time to take a tentative step backwards to leave them to their moment before Remus took Kat by her slim arms and wrenched away from her. Horrified, Kat stepped back with shocked, wide eyes and a hand covering her mouth. She looked so small, so innocent- really just like a doll. The couple stood frozen, staring at one another for the briefest of seconds and then with a stifled cry, Kat fled her brutal rejection, darting up the stairs to her dormitory like an injured baby bird. Unlike the last time Lily had accidentally poached on a private minute between her two friends she could not remain silent.
"You- you… You dolt!" She was glad the other Marauders were not here to witness her less than stellar insult, but she just so mad for Kat. A rapid indignation in her friend's defense did not mean that her brain had caught up with her quite yet. The shock of Kat's kiss and Lily's sudden appearance seemed to be stalling Remus' brain, but it didn't stop her rant from coming. "What the bloody hell did you do that for? Everyone with eyes can see you fancy each other!"
He finally found his voice even if it was full of stumbling uncertainty. "There's more to it than that."
"Oh, bugger off!" She declared with gallant irritation. "If this is some stupid martyr codswallop then save it. Do you have any idea how hard it was for her to put herself out there like that? And you just rejected her! She wasn't asking you to marry her, Remus. You're allowed to have love in your life too, you know."
She turned and stomped away without even bothering to acknowledge the other Marauders who had entered at some point during her seething declarations, not even James' appearance stirred emotion. Her pace was hurried up the steps, wanting to get to Kat and also away from Remus before she said something she regretted.
Bursting into her old dorm room, she was momentarily taken aback by the changes to the room she'd moved into as eleven year old. There were only two beds now and no matter how many posters they hung on the walls it didn't help the room from feeling strangely lonely and isolated.
Kat was perched on the edge of her bed. Lily would have felt better if she was crying or even vengeful. It was impossible to predict someone's actions or needs if she couldn't read their emotions. And at the moment, Kat looked completely emotionless.
"He doesn't deserve you." She wrapped an arm her tiny frame. "And if it's this hard it's not even worth it. Love is supposed to be easy."
Kat looked at her with confusion. "You think it's easy for anyone to be in love? It's about loving someone enough to take the risk. That's kind of the whole point, Lily."
She didn't want to disagree with her in her fragile state so she changed the subject, rattling on about innate things that didn't matter. Kat remained disengaged- not even pretending to pay attention to her clichéd comments about other fish in the sea and being better off single. Kat's face grew paler and paler until she eventually blurted out what was ailing her. "It's because I'm a bad snog."
"What?" Lily asked taken aback by her sudden outburst.
Kat's face was distraught as she finally initiated eye contact. "What if that's why Remus didn't want me? -Because I'm a ghastly kisser. You know I've only ever kissed that one boy and I don't know if it really even counted since I had that glass of elf wine before. Oh Merlin, what if he tells the others? I'm some kind of inexperienced freak and the whole school's going to-."
She kissed Kat square on the mouth just to disperse her irrational fears. After all, how could she claim to be a bad at something if she had proof from a source that she wasn't? It had seemed like the sensible thing to do at the time. But what Lily could have never predicted was the Marauders all barging in as the two girls locked lips.
The boys simultaneously gaped with similar awed expressions caressing their features.
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't there a little charm on the stairway that should prevent this from ever happening?" The Head Girl squeaked. She had no idea why it was the first thing that popped into her mind. Blame it on the stuck up rule follower that lived inside of her.
"Kick the second step backwards and then jump over the sixth." Remus commented still looking as distractedly mesmerized as the rest.
Sirius' voice was thick and his eyes glazed. "We've known about it since fourth year."
"Of course, you have." She laughed dryly before turning unconcerned back to her friend. "And you're wrong about the other thing… Very nice actually."
A blush and a smile both took Kat's face hostage.
"Look, Kat." Remus began, shaking off his fog before his friends. Actually, Lily noticed that Peter seemed to have slipped into some sort of standing coma and she was a little worried he might not ever recover. "I was just shocked. You've no idea how much I've wanted to kiss you and I'm a right prat for ruining it… If you'll have me I'd like to try it again."
He'd slowly made his way to her as he spoke and this time when their lips touched he did the opposite of pushing her away. He embraced her in the most innocently passionate kiss Lily had ever seen. Without even meaning to, her eyes found James across the room. What she wouldn't give to have him kiss her again. Why did he have to make it into something it wasn't? It would be so much easier to remain in their bubble free of emotions. They could just be two friends fulfilling a need for the other.
She watched his handsome face strain to focus on the scene in front of him. He wanted to look at her too. Deep down inside, beyond all his delusions of love, he still desired her in the basic way she wished to indulge. All she needed was a touch, a kiss, a fulfillment to the burning need that nagged her. It wouldn't be that hard to coerce him into giving it to her.
Her mind set on her new mission.
She was going to seduce the Head Boy.
Unfortunately her plans were going to have to wait because the next night she had detention with the charming Professor Crouch. Her three week long punishment had ended the previous Tuesday, but it hadn't taken long to continue scheduling their little dates as she found it nearly impossible to keep her mouth shut under the professor's critical eye and scolding tongue. Lily thought she might be setting a record for most detentions served by a Head Girl.
Professor Crouch didn't even bother to look up at Lily's entrance, keeping her concentration on the essays she sliced through with a swift quill. It gave Lily the opportunity to get in a good glare at the older woman's dull brown head before beginning her familiar work on the classroom's floors. The silence ticked by only timed by the increasing burn in her arm muscles. When it became unbearable she dropped the rag and massaged her cramping hands.
"Not such fun when you don't have your little mate to waste time with." Crouch's powerful voice startled Lily, breaking the quiet with a sudden burst.
Lily met her hateful gaze and got the feeling she'd been staring at Lily with distaste for some time while she worked. At Grace's mention, swirling dread filled her. She could only stare back at the professor caught off guard by the awareness of Crouch's hatred of her student and her subsequent disappearance. Why hadn't she suspected Crouch before?
When she never rose to the bait, the teacher narrowed her unfortunate brown eyes. "Get back to work."
Lily did as she commanded, letting her mind cram with theories and possibilities. It was just too much to dismiss anymore. She had to act.
After she'd been dismissed from detention she hurried across the cold castle to the Headmaster's office. Even if he brushed off her knowledge, at least he would know. At least someone would know if Lily's fate was the same as Professor Crouch's other least favorite student.
"Ms. Evans." It wasn't the wise professor she was looking for though. Professor McGonagall exited by the gargoyle just as Lily arrived. "If you are looking for Headmaster Dumbledore I regret to inform you of his absence. However, I'm happy to help if there's anything I can do."
She sighed regretfully. She would have much preferred to bring up her suspicions with Dumbledore, but Professor McGonagall would have to work. It felt utterly important to share her information. "It's about Grace Murray."
"Not this nonsense again, Evans." Her sharp eyes drilled into the younger woman. "The Headmaster is well aware of Ms. Murray's departure. Now I suggest you head back to your dorm. It's almost curfew."
Lily opened her mouth.
"I don't want to hear about this again, Ms. Evans. If you put half as much thought into not getting detention as you did Grace Murray then I wouldn't have to listen to Professor's Crouch complaints every day." She cut off the Head Girl briskly and then turned on her heel heading in the opposite direction.
The next morning Lily's luck didn't improve as she lingered in the Head Suite bathroom, hoping to catch James' attention in nothing but a thin white towel, but he didn't even glance at her as he did his business. Just as the Transfiguration Professor had promised, Dumbledore's spot was resolutely empty the next morning. It didn't look at all out of the place and she began to wonder how often his absence went unnoticed. She could barely remember seeing him at all this term. It hadn't seemed odd at the time. After all didn't he have much more important things to be seeing to than meals, like vanquishing a Dark Lord?
She collapsed into her seat beside Callum in History of Magic later that day, weighed down by all her thoughts. "Say, Palmer, you're a bloke. If a girl was trying to get your attention what would be the best way of going about it?"
He made a disgruntled face.
"Alright, so maybe our friendship isn't quite to that level." She smiled raising her hands in mock surrender. "I've got another one for you… If you were going to leave Hogwarts who would you tell?"
"My family." He shrugged as if it was obvious. The more she learned about Callum the more she began to understand the deep loyalty and love that he felt for his sisters. They were an extremely close family and he felt very protective of the four girls, even the ones that were older than he was. It was an admirable quality. "And probably my closest friends."
"Who were Grace Murray's friends? You must have known. There aren't that many seventh year Ravenclaws." She latched onto the idea. Talking to Grace's friends seemed like an excellent way to get a closer look at her life.
"Er… She was kind of friends with everyone. I don't recall a specific best mate or anything like that, but I'm sure she was close with her dorm mates."
But she didn't get a chance to talk to the other Ravenclaw girls the rest of the day and soon her attention was turned back James. He was as sly as a snitch eluding a Seeker, always sliding out of her grasp. Saturday loomed before them though- the promise of alone time. She had no idea what they were going to do, but she assumed it had something to do with Remus' monthly transformation. Perhaps he'd show her how they remained unharmed when he'd nearly had a heart attack at the suggestion she joined them.
She met him exactly where he'd asked in their common room that Saturday night. Dressing warmly but with care of her appearance, she waited for his arrival. Far too eager to be spending time with him, a huge smile hugged her face when he showed himself, the Invisibility Cloak slung over his arm. James looked gruff and strained. A smattering of hair shadowed his cheeks and frown.
"We'll have to use the cloak since we're going out of bounds." The shiny cloth was awkward in his hands as he approached her slowly as if he was giving her the chance to run or perhaps deciding whether he should scarper.
A familiar sense of warmth wrapped around them under the Invisibility Cloak and she could not help from using every step to brush against him. He was careful with the space between them, but as they made their way out onto the lawn Lily had amble opportunity to steal bumps and touches from his sturdy form. Each seemingly accidental caress jolted her with teasing shocks, echoing throughout her body. She couldn't even focus on their destination. Well, not until he led her right into the Forbidden Forest.
Her feet, which moments ago had been his willing followers, now dragged with reluctance. "Potter, I don't know-."
But he wrapped his hand around hers and she was silenced. Heat traveled from their interlocked fingers, oozing up her arm and spreading through her chest until she was almost drunk from the contact. There were no more hesitant words uttered as she daydreamed about what she was sure was about to happen. He had to feel it too. There was no way this electricity was restricted to her and if he felt even half of what she felt when they touched there was no way he would be able to resist her any longer.
A heavy shrubbery impeded them and she lowered her head to keep the hairy branches from pulling at the newly healed skin of her cheeks. When her eyes readjusted, they were standing in a small clearing lined with trees. Dirt and spongy moss spread out under her feet, and a moist flavor in the air tickled her nose. It reminded her of the little woods near her old home and she guessed there was probably a little creek or pond nearby.
The biggest black dog she had ever seen met her eyes across the clearing and she realized that James had yanked off the Invisibility Cloak with such graceful ease that she hadn't even noticed. Fearful, she immediately took a step back from the animal, but James had already moved away, turning into the backside of a magnet once again.
"Padfoot." Remus scolded with a half smile as she took in her other friend for the first time. He stood close to the enormous black creature without alarm. As always after his monthly sickness, his hair was messy, skin pale, and eyes tired. "He won't hurt you, Lily."
She had relaxed long before he spoke though. Other than the dog's intimidating size, she felt no menace or ill will from the animal. Embarrassingly, all she felt was disappointment. There would be no reconciliation with James tonight. The emotion was easily replaced with curiosity. "What's going on here?"
The prefect looked toward her partner briefly, before releasing a deep sigh of acceptance. Remus' thin hand grasped the soft looking fur of the dog. "James said you were curious how they stayed with me during the full moon and we decided that you should know the truth. We wouldn't want you to try and figure it out on your own…We don't need that again."
The dog whined as Remus suddenly released his comforting hold. Even though Lily could not see James slipping away behind her, she could feel it with the strange sixth sense of awareness she'd developed. She didn't speak, even when Remus remained silent, understanding that they'd planned this and it was best to let it play out. Something rustled in the leaves by Remus' feet and she had to narrow her eyes to make out the little brown creature in the moonlight. It was a rat and just like the dog, it stared at her with unnatural concentration.
Without looking she felt James reenter the clearing behind her, and just as she was about to grow irritated with the slow process, he walked right passed her. A gasp splintered her lips and she quickly snatched her hand to cover the slip. The last thing she wanted was for them to think she couldn't handle this.
It was just the most bizarre sensation of knowing James was there, and seeing a majestic four legged animal in his place. But still, she knew without a doubt that it was James. She could feel it just as she had felt him slip into the woods only moments prior.
"They're Animagi." Her fellow human spoke and he gestured his hand across the animals that lined up on either side of him. "It allows them to stay with me when I change… You have to understand that we have to keep this a secret, Lovely. If the ministry were to find out, they could be sent to Azkaban."
An insulted leak threatened to break the dam of her emotions. She would never betray their trust.
The stag stomped its hoof into the ground, easily reading her feelings and urging Remus to continue.
"We know that you would never do anything to hurt us. It was just a secret that we decided to keep within the Marauders." He hastily picked up on her reaction.
She couldn't blame him for not knowing this only hurt her worse. Why couldn't they see that she was one of them? –That she belonged with them too. It was a pain she squished, refusing to let her long standing insecurities ruin this carefully earned trust. She took a step forward, cautious at first, before reaching them at a normal pace.
Breezing passed the stag she barely remarked. "Potter."
Ignoring the dirt that stained her tights, she got down on the rat's level, holding a gentle hand to him. He nudged forward eagerly, letting her fingertip trail over his head. Her mind snapped with connections and answers to a plethora of Marauder mysteries. "Not very original are they Peter? Honestly, Wormtail for a rat?"
Jealous of the attention, Remus chuckled when the dog barreled over to her and left a slobbery line up her face with a well aimed lick. She glared at the animal. "Don't look so chuffed, Padfoot… Though I suppose it's a sight better than 'Muttail'."
Still wiping the saliva from her face, she was caught unaware when Sirius knocked her over and placed his two front paws on her shoulders, licking her face all over. She squealed with laughter trying to knock him off and almost squished Peter. The rat scampered off into the woods as his friend continued to playfully harass the Head Girl. The stoic stag observed them for a moment longer before following the rat.
This was a side of Sirius she hadn't seen since sixth year. Maybe it was easier for him to block out all the other things they were supposed to feel around each other, and just accept the effortless bond between them in this form. She didn't know if there had ever been a more perfect animal for an Animagus than Sirius's. He was such a dog at heart- loyal, playful, and happy. Plus, it was as easy as waving a shiny new toy or activity in front of his face to distract him.
"We should be getting back." James stood at their entrance point, purposeful not staring at her and Sirius who were still engaged on the ground. Peter was no longer an animal either, but he'd reentered to stand with Remus.
Her ex-boyfriend's current dog form jumped up eagerly, wagging his tail spastically. She untangled her legs and stood up, pulling debris from her hair and clothes. Patting Padfoot on the head lovingly, she followed James', happiness tucking her lips into a grin.
The five of them split in the entrance hall and the three boys were left with nothing but their wits to get them back to the Gryffindor common room undetected. James and Lily were protected by his cloak and if she thought that the night's revelation would dampen her desire, she was dead wrong. She was dirty, she smelled, and her feet dragged with exhaustion, but if the Head Boy would have so much as looked at her she would have forgotten it all to press up against him with wanton need.
He didn't though, and Lily was left alone in her bed with only Harvey for company.
She didn't even bother with clothes the next few mornings, prancing about their lavatory starkers. When he never made an appearance her resolve only strengthened. He would give into her eventually.
"I would like you to explain once more why we are stalking the Ravenclaws." Piper demanded in a barely curious voice. The two girls were lingering purposefully outside the loo on the second floor where Lily had just spotted one of Grace Murray's dorm mates entering.
The redhead bristled. "You're so quick to jump to the stalking conclusion. We're just…waiting. I want to have a quick chat with her is all."
The blonde nodded suddenly uninterested and her face misted over with careful indifference. At first when she did that Lily had worried she was boring her new friend, but it hadn't taken long to realize that it was just part of Piper's personality. If she was bored she'd let Lily know, and mostly she just chose to be in the Head Girl's company no matter how menial task.
"Wotcher, Evans." The girl who Lily could only identify as a Ravenclaw greeted when she stepped in her path.
"Hello, Thompson." Lily hadn't noticed Piper kick off the wall to join her until she saved her from having to come up with a name.
The ginger haired girl's eyes darted between the Head Girl and prefect uncertainly. "Am I in trouble?"
"I just wanted to ask you about Grace. Did you notice anything strange going on before she disappeared?" Lily asked eagerly.
Confusion captured the Ravenclaw as her orange eyebrows raised. "I already talked to Professor McGonagall. Did something happen? Because Grace was friendly and everything, but we weren't exactly close. She wasn't really close with anyone. I was sorry I couldn't help and explain why she decided to leave."
"You think she left?" Lily's question was unintentionally sharp.
"Of course, she left. Why else would she just disappear in the middle of the night?" Again Thompson's features were filled with obvious ignorance. "It wasn't like I was privy to her every thought and action, but she'd definitely been getting anxious lately. She was all jumpy. Not that I was expecting her to up and leave, but it wasn't the biggest surprise ever. I went to bed that night and Grace was gone just like always tutoring. When I woke up the next morning, she was gone."
Opening her mouth to shove another question at her, the girl stopped her. "Look, I already spoke to McGonagall. I don't like talking about this. It's upsetting. If you don't mind I'd like to go to class now."
Lily had no choice but to nod her consent. She couldn't hold her hostage. It wasn't new information anyways. Everyone seemed convinced that Grace Murray really had just left. So why was she holding onto this so tightly? Was it possible her desire to pin something on Crouch was clouding her judgment? If it wasn't for the gentle nagging from her intuition she could have let the whole thing drop.
With dread Lily said goodbye to Piper and made her way to Defense Against the Dark Arts. She snuck in just before Crouch would have the option of marking her late and kept her head down as she took an empty seat in the back beside Kat. The first thing that told her something was different was the bright and excited way her old dorm mate was holding her face. It wasn't unusual to see Kat in such bright spirits now that she and Remus were slowly becoming a real couple, even though it was kept secret save for those who knew them best. What was strange was that Kat looked so cheerful in DADA. No one else could rub their professor the way Lily did, which didn't bode well for her desk partner.
A young man stood stiffly beside Professor Crouch at the front of the room. It took her a minute to place the tug of familiarity. The stranger was the White Cloak with rusty hair and long lanky limbs that had gifted her with Baker's Ring of Honor. The ring burned with a burst of awareness from its permanent spot around her neck, as if it dared the White Cloak to notice its new home.
The auror didn't take note of it though. His blue eyes focused on hers instead.
"As you can see, we are honored-." Their professor's voice slid uncomfortably over the compliment. "By the presence of auror-."
The man's pointed cough interrupted the introduction.
Crouch grimaced, smoothing her mouth into a thin line. "Excuse me, White Cloak, Bill Hensley. I'm sure you can understand, Hensley. It's confusing now that the Ministry has decided to permanently suspend any new members to the White Cloaks. I suppose that makes you an endangered species."
Hensley didn't even bat an eyelash at the insult. He spoke, radiating unquestioned power and leadership. "The White Cloaks were investigating the recent Death Eater sightings in Hogsmeade, and Headmaster Dumbledore asked me to come speak with you as a personal favor. With the rise in Polyjuice related crime, I decided it would be a good time to teach you all the basics of identifying someone who is disguised by the potion."
He dove right in, rigorously taking them through an in depth description of Polyjuice Potion and some of the easy tells. It was fascinating and Lily was reminded of how much she used to love Defense. Professor Crouch had ruined it for her.
He stopped halfway through the lesson and announced that they would be doing an exercise to test their new knowledge. Professor Crouch was buried in a stack of parchment trying very hard to completely ignore her class that had been taken hostage, but she had no choice but to look up when Hensley spoke to her directly. "Who has the highest marks in the class?"
Professor Crouch's face was even more unattractive as it soured exponentially at the question. She took her time, shuffling around parchment and seeming to have to think very hard on the matter. "I've not been too impressed with any of the seventh years…but just on pure marks I guess right now that's…Evans."
The Head Girl fought the devious smile as hard as she could, but it was easily wiped off realizing that the White Cloaks' attention was not focused on her. He motioned for her to join him at the front of the class and muttered quietly so only she could hear him. "It's nice to see you again, Ms. Evans."
She nodded and blushed at her peer's gazes which all drilled into her.
Hensley wasted no time calling five more girls up to join her. "I'll be providing a sample of Polyjuice Potion with a hair from Ms. Evans to the other five girls. Using your instincts and new tricks, you will be asked to identify the real Evans. If any student can correctly do so you will be awarded thirty-five points for your House."
The class murmured excitedly as the girls were sent into the hallway to ingest the potion. Lily watched as Kat along with four other seventh years transformed into her clones before her eyes. A shiver climbed up the rings her spine. Her pretty delicate features looked odd expressing someone else's emotions. When Hensley called them back in, magically stamping them with a number at random, he lined them up where the whole class could scrutinize them. Or really it was just Lily's body they were studying.
"Alright, which one is the real Lily Evans?" Hensley flourished his hand in a dramatic fashion.
A slight movement broke the otherwise motionless class. It had been James, but his hand only reached half into the air before he jerked it back to his side.
The White Cloak had caught the disturbance too and his eyes focused on the regretful boy instantly. "Care to share your observation, Mr.-?"
"Potter." James shared quickly before pausing uneasily. "…I was just going to say that if you wanted to make it a real challenge then you should spell away the wrinkles from number three's uniform…It's kind of an easy giveaway."
Flushing scarlet, her eyes ran down her clothes finding them predictably unkempt. She wanted to glare at him. It wasn't that obvious since he was the only to notice.
Hensley smiled appreciatively at the younger man. "Clever, Mr. Potter. Physical clues are the first thing you should look for."
Using a flicker of his wand, all the Lilys' uniforms were smoothed out and resized until they all looked physically identical. They were renumbered and mixed up before he sat them apart and invited the rest of the class to mingle and question them. The last few minutes of DADA were spent getting peppered with questions from her classmates until Hensley called time. "Everyone who thinks they can identify her within two guesses write them down and hand them in. Don't bother with random selections. You will not be awarded points for luck."
The real Lily waited convinced that everyone would easily be able to pick her out. She'd tried to throw them off as best she could with the hope of making the game a bit more fun. Hensley tallied the few submitted votes carefully. "We only have one correct guess. Mr. Black managed to list the actual Ms. Evans in one of his two votes… Just for fun Mr. Black would you mind pointing out the girl from your top two that you most believe is her?"
Sirius' eyes raked over her carefully before moving on to the Lily Evans to her right. Stepping back, he looked unsure, but eventually raised a finger to the wrong girl.
"I have to admit I'm a little disappointed, Potter." His attention was distracted from Sirius' choice and onto the Head Boy who had reverted into the definition of uninterested throughout the rest of the class. "You showed such promise with your first observation… I was expecting more of you. You didn't even submit a guess."
James' lips quivered as if he fought against the words, and they came just as the White Cloak turned his back on him. "You said to write our two best guesses… But I don't need a guess."
Staring at his best mate with disbelief and suspicion, Sirius tried to catch James' eyes, but Hensley held the raven haired boy's gaze prisoner. A roaring chuckle broke the older man's strong face. "By all means enlighten us."
He looked angry at himself as he made his way to stand in front of the Lilys with Sirius. Without giving in to his friend's demanding glare, James met her eyes an instant before he pointed at her chest.
"Thirty-five points to Black and Potter." Bill Hensley clapped happily as if the whole thing had been a marvelous experiment. "Very good indeed. Please share with us how you came to that conclusion."
His question might have been directed at both of them, but he was clearly more interested in James' explanation. The nervous ruffle of his hair was the only allowance of his true discomfort. "Evans tugs on her hair when she's trying to be brave."
Lily immediately dropped the lock of hair that had just been sandwiched between two fingers.
James huffed as she proved him right and struggled for a minute to find the words to continue. "Number two kept trying to catch her reflection in anything shiny. Lily mostly avoids mirrors. Number four asked everyone to call her Lovely Lily which the real Lily would never do because she hates the nickname Professor Slughorn gave her. Number five stands with her hands on her hips- very athletic. Lily's stance is confident, but not as showy as that. Number three has a fruity scent (that's very nice), but Lily's soap smells like vanilla right now. Number one was the best at mimicking her behavior, but her eyes were too guarded- too good at hiding her emotions. I'm guessing that is Lily's mate Cooper."
He paused to stare into number six's eyes. "All the others were trying to look like her while number six acted contrary. Her hand kept grasping at where Lily's necklace usually hangs and she yawned four times which is consistent with Lily's normal energy level around this time every day."
"Impressive." The auror commented with unguarded appraisal. "I hope you're considering a future with Magical Law Enforcement Department."
The class was dismissed with James Potter fleeing quicker than anyone else. The hour of the Polyjuice drew to a close in synchronization with the class' exit and she was happy that there wouldn't be any extra Head Girls running around. Their guest speaker wasn't done with her yet, and the White Cloak asked her to stay behind in the empty room. Lily approached as she secured the chain back around her throat. She felt naked without it now.
"I'm glad to see you're doing better." He relaxed slightly without the weight of the rest of the eyes watching him. "You look more like I expected without the crying."
Her half smile was unconvincing as she hitched her bag higher up her shoulder.
"Mr. Potter was right. You can read your emotions all over your face." He remarked with an amused chuckle. Lily's stomach rolled violently. This White Cloak was bringing up all kinds of subjects she didn't want to think about. "Don't worry. I'm going to let you go. I only stopped you because I wanted to make sure you understood why I gave you Harland's Ring of Honor… I'm not trying to be insensitive and I'm sure you'll find the right place for it in the end, but it's an old White Cloak superstition that a fallen comrade can't rest in peace until his ring has been put to rest as well."
She felt shamed at her own selfishness. It was impossible to deny that she'd considered just keeping Baker's ring. When he didn't speak again, Lily mumbled a halfhearted thank you and left.
After dinner she went back to the Head Suite and closed her door. She was too disturbed to even try and seduce James tonight. The glimpse she'd gotten into the way he saw her was disconcerting. How did he still see her? She hadn't so much as caught him giving her a second glance and yet he saw her more than anyone else. It was time to accept that James had the ability to read her in a truly deep and remarkable way.
She frowned at the thought and almost suddenly fell into a restless slumber.
It was the kind of dream that she was perfectly aware was not real and yet she could not help from indulging it. Hazel irises locked with hers, but she turned away. She did not want him to see her. All she wanted was the plunging motion that created earthquakes through her pelvis to continue. The eyes followed her and she moaned even while trying to shake him. It felt so good. Her hips gyrated with whatever unseen force brought her pleasure, but his eyes were unyielding.
More. More. More. A voice from beyond called through her dreams. She encouraged it. She liked the sound of it and it went along perfectly with her desire. All she wanted was more. She writhed as he plunged on and she had known all along it was James. Only he could incite this type of passion.
Oh Merlin, yes. She could feel her prize just beyond the horizon. It was a brilliant building utopia waiting for her with a few more thrusts.
Yes. It was right there. She could see it. Oh, yes. She wanted it so badly. Please. Just a little more.
Reality crashed around her with a vengeful strike. She was sitting up in her bed, tangled in her nightgown and sheets. Her heart sprinted forward and moisture pooled between her legs. She had been so close to her orgasm and the dream stuck in her mind, making her squirm with lust. Sweat slicked the thin white cotton to her skin and the cool air raised chill bumps up her legs. It was early- right at sunrise, and the lingering darkness made her actions seem less rash. Her feet hadn't quite caught up with her overwhelming desire and her flight was clumsy through their conjoining bathroom. His door was shut just like always but unlocked, and through her foggy eyes she watched her hands push the door open.
In his sleep the magnets had been reversed to their correct position and she was drawn to him. Driven by the hazy lustful state, she didn't pause to study his peaceful face that relaxed in sleep. She climbed onto the bed as gently as she could manage, but the rustle of the mattress was enough to wake him.
He stared at her where she perched at the end of his bed, both free of the mask and airs of everyday life. There was a vulnerability between them in the new light of the day. It only encouraged her need- for release, for comfort, for contact. She crawled towards him slowly without a care in the world that her nightdress hung loose and exposed her chest from his angle. Emotions battled on his face for dominance, but his eyes caressed her every move, lingering on the languid curves of her body. He wanted her.
She was close enough to reach out and touch his lips when his expression disintegrated into what appeared to be defeat. Another surge of longing rushed her knickers, but his words contradicted the victory, telling the story of a broken boy. He grasped the fingers she'd extended in his hand until they ached with pain. "I can't- Lily… I can't- I don't-."
Why couldn't he give her this? Didn't he see how much she needed it? Didn't he desire her? A rampaging indignation hummed through her mind. He didn't want her. She needed him and he was rejecting her…again.
She felt more naked than she ever had in her entire life. Exposed under his ever present gaze, it was worse because of all the things he could see. He could see her and he still did not want her.
Pathetic
It had been nearly a year since he'd uttered those words in the dark of night, but there was no measuring stick for the drastic changes that little word had inflicted on her life. And just for a moment, a sad instant of weakness, she hated him for it. The hard road of loss and pain that she'd ridden since that night felt utterly unfair, and she wished more than anything that he'd never spoken at all. She wished she'd never had Baker so she could never lose him. She wished she didn't know that it was wrong to be loved for someone she was not so she could continue to lie to herself. She wished she didn't know all of the things she had been doing wrong so she could make her blissfully ignorant mistakes again and again. For the first time she wished for the easy life she had before.
He owed her this. Angry surges fueled her irrational thoughts and her eyes hardened as she roughly yanked her hand from his. He had done this to her. He had created this monster. He owed her this.
She fisted the thick blanket and jerked it off his body, drawing his sharp intake breath. When she straddled his thighs he looked at her with alarm. "Lily-."
He owed her this. Her cotton gown hiked around her waist and the moisture seeping through her knickers begged for her grind her body into his. As if he could predict her coming actions, he grabbed her wrists together between them with bruising force, stopping her. His voice was nothing but a warning moan. "Lily."
She drove her emerald eyes into his and then arched her back, dragging her pelvis across his. She found him rock hard, fiercely so. Their gaze was shattered as his eyes rolled back in his head and an involuntary shudder wracked his body. She watched the display and felt her knickers somehow dampen further.
"Lily." His jaw was tight and her name fatigued by his grinding teeth. The force he held her delicate wrists with was painful, but she barely noticed, ruled only by her desire. He owed her this. It would be no use to struggle. He was a million times stronger…But she didn't need her hands to get the better of him. He could keep her hands if he wished.
The rest of her body was the real weapon and she used it to rub herself with teasingly light pressure against his cock. She meant to work him up and she could tell from the growing flush of his cheeks that it was more than working, but in the process she was feeding the monster in her chest. Her movements grew less controlled as the lust clouded her mind. It just felt so good.
"Fuck, Lily." His voice was a raspy choke, as if she strangled him with every contortion of her perfect body.
She shook her head and closed her eyes, blocking him out. He owed her this. This was about her. He didn't want to give it to her so she would take it from him. She pressed into his defined hardness more firmly, rolling her desperate slickness against him with rhythm.
"Yes!" She urged the riveting jolts that built and burned within her, never quite fully scratching the insatiable itch. So close.
Using his tight hold on her wrists, he wrenched her body flat against his. He held their arms above their heads, their faces eye to eye- lip to lip. Her eyes opened wide and for an instant they paused. Sweet breath mingled between them before he kissed her with savage abandon. Bumping teeth, forceful tongues, willful mouths- they did their best to consume one another.
He flipped them over and to her it was his white flag of surrender. She stared up at him and for the briefest moment something stronger than the lust flowed through her. It was indescribable and altogether overwhelming. Almost as if every possible emotion rapidly bloomed in her chest, but managed to combine into one unimaginable feeling.
She barely registered the lazy smile that bowed her lips. In fact, she might have missed it completely if James hadn't reacted. He pulled away enough to study her expression in the building glow of the morning. They were frozen, prisoners of the other's gaze. For once she could read him just as clearly as he could her. The slow detachment that spelled her failure was not what she wanted to see.
His crumbling face became the rare peak of the boy underneath the indifference. Hazel eyes begged her for something she could not give. "Why are you doing this to me?"
She reclined as far as she could into the mattress under her. Her motion brought attention to his hard cock that was still pressed intimately into her thigh. He jumped off her, skittering across the room in an attempt to get as far away from her as possible. She wanted to cry, once for the frustrated lust that went unsatisfied and again for the unrecognizable weakness that punctuated his features. She sat up, staring at him helplessly.
"You're killing me." He pleaded. She wanted to look away but couldn't. "Can't you see how hard this is? You can't begin to fathom how difficult it is to be so close and not have you. It takes everything I have to be around you day in and day out- to give you everything I have left because you need me. I fucking love you so much sometimes I think I'm going to explode- all your little smiles, the thoughtful looks you get, and that bloody wrinkled uniform! I've given you everything…and still you ask for more."
There were no words, no excuse, no apologies that would ever be good enough. He looked so lost. Her heart beat as fast and relentlessly as the wings of a wild snitch in her chest. She could feel his pain as if it were her on.
"How can you be so cruel?" His question was not whipped with any malice. It was just broken- and wrong. "To offer me the one thing I want more than anything else- the one thing I can't give you. You use my feelings against me to get your cheap release- to steal the one comfort that is still mine to decline."
The unintentional truth of his words swirled and infiltrated her shame. It was too much. She blocked the emotions. She couldn't handle it. He just needed to understand. "I'm not trying to be hurt you, James. It doesn't have to be this way… We could help each other. I just need you so badly… Maybe I don't feel about you the way you feel about me, but we could still be together."
He gaped at her desperate plea and as he spoke his face grew fiercely incredulous. "I'm not going to be with you because you need me! Don't you see that's the only type of relationship you've ever had? We'd just be doing the same things all over again… I'm not interested in being another one of your mistakes. I deserve better than that… YOU deserve so much more than that."
Taking three long strides, he opened the door into the common room and stared at her expectantly. He was kicking her out. Summoning all the dignity she had left, she walked passed him and fled the suite completely after grabbing shoes and a coat. She didn't want to be anywhere near James Potter. With her anger and frustration keeping her warm, she burst onto the dewy lawn. Sprinting to the edge of the Great Lake, she gasped for the breath she'd forced out of her lungs.
The sun peaked through the trees, casting the morning world into hues of peachy orange and watery blue. The lake was glassy and so still it almost looked like she could walk across it. She stood there overloaded with so much that it felt like she was going to combust.
She was standing on the edge of something important- life changing even, but she couldn't throw herself over the edge. Sunlight glinted off the Ring of Honor resting on her breast and it filled her with phantom anger that held little rhyme or reason.
Was it Baker? Did she have to let him go to move forward? She yanked the chain off her throat, grasping the gold in a tight fist. In her mind James' eyes were staring at her- hazel orbs of knowledge, always one step ahead, always seeing what she could not. It drove her rage and she pulled her arm back preparing to throw the ring as hard as she could into the lake. The White Cloak had told her she was supposed to do something with the Ring of Honor- figure out what Baker would have wanted. Wouldn't he want her to move on?
It was suddenly incredibly clear that getting rid of the ring was the key to letting Baker go.
Her arm tensed for the motion, but it was as if the band whispered to her. You're not ready. You still need me. Not yet. Not yet.
A broken sigh ripped at her chest. She couldn't do it. Her arm dropped limply to her side.
But maybe the answers she sought went deeper than Baker. It felt deep. This was something monumental, she knew it. A time would come when she was ready to let him go, but this wasn't about saying goodbye. This time she just needed his help.
"I don't know." She said out loud, looking to the sky. It was the most reasonable place to look for guidance. But the clouds did not suddenly spell out the answers she sought. In fact, nothing happened. The Giant Squid didn't even bother to break the smooth surface. She was really truly alone in this now. "Please. Just a little help here, Baker."
A memory flashed. She didn't need divine intervention. She just needed to remember.
"That's it?" She searched his face pitifully. "You're not going to tell me what to do about James?"
"Maybe, one day." He told her with a smug glint in his eyes. "It'd be completely worthless while you're still lying to yourself."
"So your advice is to be truthful with myself and face my problems head on?"
"Thank you." She murmured to the silent world, her mind racing ahead.
Quit lying. But it was so much harder than that. The lies we tell ourselves are the most dangerous and important deceits of all.
Adeline and Harrison Evans popped into her mind. It was almost impossible to beckon a clear mental image of them anymore. Most of her memories were just snap shots, and almost all of them were observations of the two of them together, as if they'd lived a separate life from her childhood. She had a hard time remembering the little instances that were supposed to symbolize the bond between a parent and child. She recalled the almost constant gaze that her parents maintained, even in the most unlikely times Lily would look at them and find that they only had eyes for each other.
Their love was indisputable. Yet, all of Lily's ideals of what love was supposed to be almost spitefully contradicted the love she'd seen between her parents. Love was supposed to be easy, controlled, based on mutual need. It seemed impossible that she'd gotten it all wrong, hampered by the experiences and emotions of her childhood.
She'd found all of her ideals with Sirius. It had been uncomplicated and she'd done everything she could to keep it that way. There had never been a second where she was at risk of losing control with him, and he needed her deeply. He had been desperate for the love she'd so freely shared.
And yet, she knew that she'd never been in love with him.
She ground her teeth at the thought of Baker. He'd been all the things love was supposed to be too. But as much as she'd loved him, it had never been what she craved. The careful life they created in their imaginations in those last moments they spent together with beautiful babies and a war free world would have only ever been settling. A forfeit of something so wonderful that it was impossible to understand and could only be felt.
James was a direct contradiction to love.
Everything was complicated, each new obstacle harder than the last. He made her erratic, impulsive. Her emotions as unpredictable as the rash actions he inspired. And James Potter did not need her love in the least.
"Love isn't about need, Lily. The true real kind is often about nothing at all. That's why it is so special." The words had been spoken to a confused drunk girl in a different lifetime. James' statement had been meaningless to that girl. She hadn't been ready. That girl had to be homeless, feel unloved, find peace, learn humility, face loss, and accept love to become the woman that could see the truth.
With a resounding gasp that echoed across the water before her, Lily realized that she was in love with James Potter.
"Bloody fuck."
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Author's Note: So there's a whole lot going on in this chapter. I hope you could sort through it all. I'd love to hear what you think.
Another huge thanks to all my usual reviewers and the new guys too. I'm pretty sure this is the last chapter of 2011 so happy holidays! I'm going to be in New Orleans for New Years and the National Championship (Yay! Yay!), so that should keep me occupied for a bit.
I'm updating the Behind the Scenes on my profile. And I appreciated the feedback about my follow up fic. If anyone has anymore ideas please share. I'm in the building stages, and I'm thinking maybe a darker love triangle with Teddy/Lily Luna/Scorpius. I think it would be a fun challenge.