SIDENOTE: please check out my other Everlark story: Broken, it's really dark and mature and very different from this, but it will be multi chapter and I think its worth taking a look!
To anyone still reading this: SO SORRY! it's taken forever and a day to update. I am so so so sorry. life just gets in the way, and I've barely had time to breathe, let alone write… so without further ado, enjoy….
I stay up all night, watching Marvel chuck spears at Thresh, and Thresh throw rocks at Marvel's head. It's still pouring, the thick sheets- of what Claudius tells us is near freezing- rain coming down hard and heavy. Lucky for us, we can still see everything in excruciatingly clear detail. Like how Marvel's body is painted with dots and blobs of purple and black bruises, with enough wounds scattered. Or how the gargantuan gash in Thresh's side, from Marvel's spear, won't close up due to all of the rain. Gale and Madge are snuggled up all nice and cozy in the hollow of some tree, they seem to know they'll be left alone until Thresh or Marvel dies.
It's near dawn when I go into an almost frenzied state. I start pacing around the room, cursing to myself, tidying things up only to get frustrated at how it looks and mess everything up again. I seem to be quite adept at messing things up. I can barely provide for my family, let alone Gale's, at least since these damn Games started. I can't stop worrying about Gale, and the only time I can forget about him is with Peeta, who decided to screw everything up. And now I'm in an even more awkward predicament since he decided to kiss me. I don't know how I feel about it; I'm confused and betrayed and in an overall panic over losing him if I don't handle this right. Right now, I need Peeta. I'm depending on him too heavily emotionally to just throw him out right now. And what if Gale and Madge lose? Boy, am I going to need him. Do I realize how completely and shamelessly selfish I am right now? Yes, of course I do. I've always done things for survival, and is this really any different? I don't think so.
I eventually just sit on the floor, curled in a ball. For how long? I don't know, but long enough for this to be the state that Prim finds me in when she comes down to eat breakfast. She slides over next to me and simply holds my hand. I know she understands the overwhelming emotions I'm feeling right now; it's all too much. I feel like I'm cracking, breaking, bursting at the seams. The thing that makes me livid is that breaking is not what I do. Sure, my mother can break all over again for all I care, but I have to be the one to keep everything together, I just have to.
Another thing: I'm getting maybe four hours of sleep a night, and I'm quite positive that this doesn't help matters in the slightest. I'm tired and moody and my hair keeps falling out. Prim has mentioned that I'm too stressed out, and I keep telling her I'm fine. Maybe I'm not? Maybe I'm the next Everdeen to fall off the bandwagon when things get rough. Am I really nothing more than my mother? A thought comes to mind, from weeks ago when Prim asked me to stay put together for her. I remind myself that I still have the most important person in my life, Prim, to keep fighting for, and that makes the difference. My mother lost her sun, her moon, her stars, but I still have Prim to be a light for me.
Speaking of her, Prim helps me get ready today after gently querying if I am even up for school at all. She gives me a dress, and I let her braid my hair and force me to eat a few slices of bread topped with a mix of berries.
We walk to school in silence, since Prim has picked up on the idea that today is a bad day for me. I feel a tad guilty of possibly making Prim upset too from worrying about me, but I think it'll be alright. When we make it to the top of the steps, I kiss her softly on the forehead and head off to class.
I purposely sleep through History, avoiding Peeta effectively, and manage to squeeze in naps in Coal Class and I hide in the bathrooms during Gym. Lunch is spent in the nurse's office, and the nurse just insists that I go home. I curtly tell her that I'm fine, I just need a little time. I must sound pretty hostile, because she immediately backs off.
As the day winds down, I realize that I have to talk to Peeta. It's uncomfortable and strange not to know that I'll be unable to have a conversation with him today, something to distract me. No, today instead of a distraction, he is the problem. The kiss, the kiss, the kiss. I flush just thinking of it; how sudden it was, how awkward the aftermath is, and how immature I was (an am), and how brash he was. Am I the idiot? Is he? I can't answer that. I'm finding it difficult to find insight on a situation like this, where I don't even have the option of asking the opinion of those around me: asking Mother would be a joke, and I don't want Prim to get delusions of grandeur if I ask her. Therefore, I am stuck.
And a sticky situation it proves to be. I'm standing behind school, alone with Peeta, nervously wringing my hands and looking everywhere but at him. I asked him at the end of the day, in one hushed sentence, to meet me here. I can't say I was surprised when he did. So far, we've only gotten through hello. Which wouldn't be too bad, if it weren't five minutes into this little meeting.
I open my mouth to say something, but Peeta starts before me. "Katniss, you have every right to act the way you did yesterday. I don't blame you. I blame myself, I just got caught up, it was too much and I wasn't thinking and," As Peeta continues, I force myself to steal a look at him. Big mistake. His face is contorted in pain, his eyes swimming with guilt and self pity and longing. His hair is mussed and, though his way with words is as perfect as ever, Peeta just looks… off. I realize in horror as I observe him, that I caused this. I broke Peeta. Is that what I do? I break myself, I break Peeta, and the Odds know I'm not doing enough to keep the Hawthorne's and my own family together. I know I can fix Peeta though. Can't I? I cut Peeta off in the middle of his speech with a kiss, square on the lips. I hold it for a few seconds, and I swear I see his eyes pop out of his sockets.
"Katniss? I'm confused?" Peeta questions slowly, but a small smiles tugs at the corners of his lips. Phew, I fixed him.
I shrug. Now how to word this? "It was a bit… Sudden for me yesterday, and I thought about it I guess." Safe enough.
"So are we good?" I nod. "Good," Peeta says softly. "Can I do you and Prim the honor of walking you home then?" I take his arm when he offers it to me. Peeta is too good to be broken by me, and I'm not going to let it happen.
Prim and Peeta banter as they do, and I am content with just listening to them go back and forth, forth and back. As we wind towards the Seam, I grow increasingly desperate to check on Gale. It's stupid, I realize. If he were to be dead, they'd show it in school. If anything else would happen, we'd know practically in a heartbeat. Realistically, in this moment, there's no reason to worry, but now I'm thinking about tonight. Or tomorrow. Until these games are over, there's no reason not to worry.
As soon as we meander into the outskirts of the Seam, Peeta stops and says goodbye to us. He good-naturedly pats Prim, and then he turns to me. Afraid he'll kiss me in front of Prim, I throw my arms around him. He instantly hugs back. I realize I must seem frantic, hugging him like that. Which implies that I care about him. Which worries me.
Prim says nothing about my random display of affection for Peeta, but rather eyes me carefully as we walk home, as though she's trying to figure out what's going on. In the back of my head I'm worried about Prim meddling, but I put it on the back burner.
At home, I grab a few coins from the rapidly dwindling pile, get a block of cheese, and head over to Hazelle's. The kids are running around the house and she is doing laundry, so I don't stay longer than necessary. I do notice that we have matching bags under our eyes, and that her cheeks are hollowing. Gale's going to kill me when he gets home, I think, as I walk back to my own house.
I stop short in my tracks. Never before have I been so brash as to assume that Gale's going to come back. Up until now I've been guarded with my thoughts, my actions, attempting to shield my self from even hoping that he could come back to me. It's careless, and delusional, and more than likely going to mess with my sanity, but I'm already a basket case, so why not? A thrill goes through me, wild and untamed. I repeat the phrase in my head: when he gets home, when he gets home. How foreign and beautifully it could roll off my tongue. Gale and Madge could take Marvel or Thresh one on one, it would be difficult, but they'd surely have the advantage. They'd be well rested, better fed, and plus, they didn't just come off of a fight. They can do this I think. Gale can do this.
When I arrive back home, I eat dinner with Mother and Prim, and then watch the Games for a bit. The fight appears to be building closer to a climax, and we're treated to shots of crowds in the Capitol watching the Games. How special. Gale and Madge are asleep. I suppose I fall asleep too, because I don't recall much after that.
When I wake up, it's so dark out I find it difficult to see much beyond my own two hands. After fumbling around for a minute, I find a remote, and turn the television on. I'm greeted with the image of Gale wrapping his arms around Madge's sleeping form, his face buried in her hair.
I almost jolt up with the realization that I care. It bothers me that Gale does those things with Madge, that's he's with Madge. I'm jealous. Okay, great. But why? I've always been protective of the people I love; Prim, Gale, it's just part of me. But this isn't the same way I would react if I saw someone doing that to Prim. This unsettles me. There's no way I could? …. For Gale? It would explain things. I banter between myself for Odds know how long, before I roll onto my back. I refuse to acknowledge the idea that maybe, just maybe, I have what, a crush? Feelings for Gale? It makes me annoyed enough with what's happening with Peeta. I don't want this; any of it. I avoid relationships in general because of it: complications. And this time, lucky me, the complications are romantically tinged.
Now, what to do. This is the question that keeps me awake all night. What can I do? Is there anything really? I don't know. Ignore the notion that I have a thing for Gale, while continuing the odd relationship that Peeta and I have? I don't know what to do. I don't have anyone who I can get advice from. So, in other words, I'm stuck.
I spend the rest of the night watching "Summer Runway: Hosted by Caesar Flickerman!"
Review? To remind me why I do this?...