CHAPTER FOURTEEN
I watch Tris silently. She is sitting in the chair in the simulation room with her hands covering her face. She has chewed her fingernails down to the skin and I can see they have been bleeding. I hate having to watch her go through this. Besides the crows and almost drowning in the water tank her simulations have had her set on fire, drown in the ocean, standby and watch her family bleed to death and worst, she was held at gunpoint and forced to shoot and kill her family herself.
She takes a few deep breaths and lifts her head to look at me. "I know the simulation isn't real," she says.
"You don't have to explain it to me," I reply. "You love your family. You don't want to shoot them. Not the most unreasonable thing in the world."
I wonder what it would have been like to have a family like hers. A father that doesn't hit you. A mother that doesn't leave you. A brother. And you all actually love each other.
"In the simulation is the only time I get to see them," she continues. She laces her fingers together and then pulls them apart. "I miss them. You ever just...miss your family?"
I look down at the floor. I miss my mother...the mother I knew as a little boy anyway I think. I never knew what it was like to have a brother or sister. The only other family I have is my father and I don't miss him. "No," I finally answer. "I don't. But that's unusual."
She gets down from the chair and heads for the door to leave. She pauses with her hand on the doorknob and turns to look back at me. She doesn't say anything, she just looks at me and I look back at her. It's as if we're both trying to communicate with each other using only our minds. I know she's wondering about me. She probably wants to know why I don't miss my family. And for the first time I want to tell someone. I want to tell her. I'm tired of feeling like I'm all alone. I've always kept people at a distance so they wouldn't learn my secrets. Putting up walls is my defense – my protection. It's a safe place, but lonely place. What will you think of me if I take that chance I ask her silently.
We stare at each other for too long and finally she pulls her gaze away, opens the door and leaves.
I shut down the computer and put away all the equipment for the night. I grab my things and head to the control room to log the day's simulation data. Eric decided he wanted the simulation data entered straight into the control room's computer instead of from the simulation room's computer after he discovered one of the files had been corrupted. Whatever. Let him think it was the computer that messed it up. As long as he doesn't suspect I intentionally did it to hide something I'll go along with whatever he wants. Zeke's shift is just ending and Shauna is in the hallway waiting for him. I walk with them to the dinning hall for dinner. I still have some work to do in the computer room but it will take a while and I decide I can finish it later tonight. As we walk through the tunnel near the training room we hear voices and decide to investigate. I open the door and see Uriah firing a gun at one of the targets on the wall. A plastic pellet hits the center and falls to the ground. Tris and Lynn are standing off to the side and Marlene is nearby holding a half-eaten muffin. They all look guilty when they see us.
"I thought I heard something in here," I say.
"Turns out it's my idiot brother," Zeke says. "You're not supposed to be in here after hours. Careful, or Four will tell Eric, and then you'll be as good as scalped."
Uriah puts the gun away and heads for the door but not without making a face a Zeke first. Marlene walks across the room to follow Uriah while continuing to eat her muffin. I step back and hold the door open for them to exit.
Lynn gives me a questioning look but says as she passes me "You wouldn't tell Eric."
"No, I wouldn't," I say.
Tris is the last to leave. As she walks by me I place my hand on her back to gently lead her out of the room.
Lynn leads the group down the hallway followed by Zeke and Uriah who take turns punching each other. Marlene gives Shauna a bite of her muffin.
As Tris begins to follow I say "Wait a second." She stops and looks at me questioningly.
I give her a smile but I don't think it's very convincing. I'm worried about her. Her chewed fingernails. It's obvious she's not getting enough sleep. The simulations. This is the hardest phase of the initiation – the part that can break a person. I think she's doing exceptionally well but I'm concerned she might still think she's somehow failing. I want to say something that will encourage her.
"You belong here, you know that?" I say. "You belong with us. It'll be over soon, so just hold on, okay?"
Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. I scratch behind my ear - a nervous habit. I look away but I know she's staring at me and I start to feel very awkward. But then she does something I'm not expecting. She walks toward me, and puts her hand in mine. I lace my fingers with hers and we look into each others eyes. My heart beats fast and I can't think. After a minute, she pulls her hand away and runs down the hallway to catch up to the others.
I spent the evening procrastinating. I kept telling myself I needed to go back to the control room to finish my work but I just wasn't in the mood. I spent the time instead talking to Zeke and Shauna in the Pit. Half of me followed their conversation but the other half kept thinking about Tris. Eventually they decided it was time to turn in for the night and I grudgingly made my way back to the control room, regretting my choice now. Instead of getting some much needed sleep I was going to have to do what should have been finished hours ago.
By the time I'm done it's late. Everyone has gone to bed and the Dauntless compound looks deserted. As I approach the Pit I hear the rush of the water...and then I see them and hear a scream. Four people near the chasm. One large boy, it must be Al, is running away, Drew, and Peter has Tris by the throat and is holding her against the barrier above the river. I shout and start running toward them. Peter drops Tris and she falls over the railing but manages to catch herself with her armpits. I catch up to Drew and knock him to the floor. He screams and tries to fight back but I kick him in the stomach and then land a hard punch with my fist to his jaw that knocks him out cold. I run to the railing and grab her arms.
"Four," she barely manages to say in a hoarse voice.
I pull her over the railing and hold her against my chest. I put one arm under her knees and support her back with my other arm, letting her head rest against my shoulder. She is unconscious. My first thought is to get her to the infirmary but I'm hesitant to do that. Of course her health is the most important thing but if I take her there they will ask a lot of questions about what happened and there will be an investigation. After the incident with Edward I'm not confident Max or Eric will treat this any differently. It might be another "incident" to count against Peter but probably not enough to get him kicked out of Dauntless. Instead I'm afraid it will only make matters worse. Peter is threatened by Tris because she is showing him up. Her publicly accusing him of attacking her will only make her a bigger target. The safest thing for her to do is let him see that she's weak and vulnerable – then he'll start to feel like he's got the upper hand and he'll back off. It makes my blood boil when I think of the injustice. It's so wrong! Dauntless are supposed to be the protectors and here I am planning to tell Tris she needs to show them how vulnerable she can be? I look down at her trying to decide if she has any injuries that need immediate attention. There is a lump on the back of her head and a bruise already forming on her cheek. Other than that all I can see are a few scratches here and there. It needs to be her decision I tell myself. Instead of heading to the infirmary I carry her to my apartment and lay her on the bed. She should be waking up soon. Knowing that she'll be safe for a few minutes alone I head back to the Pit and haul Drew's body to the infirmary. By the time I get him there he has regained consciousness. He is blubbering and it's hard to understand anything he says between the crying and the swollen lips but he insists he was only trying to scare her. Of course that's what he would say. I don't know what he'll tell the nurses when they ask what happened but I doubt he'll tell the truth.
I get back to my apartment and check on Tris. Her eyes are still closed and she hasn't moved. For the first time I feel the sting on my knuckles and look at my hands and find them torn and bloody. I feel a cut on my lip and taste blood. I walk into the bathroom and turn on the sink faucet. I wash the dirt and blood from my hands and then dry them on a towel. I turn off the light and walk over to the refrigerator to get an ice pack from the freezer. When I turn around I see her eyes are open and she is watching me.
"Your hands," she says weakly.
She was just attacked and she's worried about a few cuts on my hands? "My hands are none of your concern," I tell her.
I kneel on the bed and lean over her so I can put the ice pack under her head. As I start to straighten up she lightly presses her fingers to my cut lip.
"Tris," I say. "I'm all right." I can't believe she's worried about me after all she's just been through.
She pulls her hand from my mouth and asks "Why were you there?"
"I was coming back from the control room. I heard a scream."
"What did you do to them?" she asks.
"I deposited Drew at the infirmary a half hour ago. Peter and Al ran. Drew claimed they were just trying to scare you. At least, I think that's what he was trying to say."
"He's in bad shape?"
"He'll live," I say. "In what condition, I can't say."
She reaches out and squeezes my arm. "Good," she says. Her voice sounds angry but then I see emotions flood through her and she begins to cry.
I crouch down by the bed and watch her. I'm glad to see she's not trying to hold this all in. I hope she doesn't think that crying now is being weak. She tries so hard to not let anyone see any weaknesses she has. And if there is one thing I know about her - she is not weak. She is one of the strongest people I've ever met. That is one of the things I admire the most about her. I pull my arm from her grasp and gently place my hand on her cheek, running my thumb lightly across her cheekbone. Reaching out to touch her like this doesn't feel awkward the way I thought it might.
I think I know how she is going to respond, but I need to say it anyway. "I could report this," I begin.
"No," she cuts me off. "I don't want them to think I'm scared."
I continue to stroke her cheek and nod. "I figured you would say that."
"You think it would be a bad idea if I sat up?" she asks.
"I'll help you," I say.
I support her head with one hand and reach out to lift her shoulder with the other and she pushes herself up. She lets out an involuntary moan.
I pick up the ice pack and press it into her hand. "You can let yourself be in pain. It's just me here," I say. "I suggest you rely on your transfer friends to protect you from now on." I know she can't rely on the Dauntless leaders to protect her.
"I thought I was."
Suddenly another sob racks her body as the memory of the attack comes back to her. She lifts a hand to her forehead and begins to rock back and forth. "But Al..."
"He wanted you to be the small, quiet girl from Abnegation," I explain quietly. "He hurt you because your strength made him feel weak. No other reason."
She nods but she doesn't look convinced.
"The others won't be as jealous if you show some vulnerability. Even if it isn't real." By others I mean Peter. Drew is a follower and not a leader. He never would have done anything like this on his own. And I'm still not sure how Al got mixed up in this either. I know what I just told Tris is true about his motives but feeling something and actually acting on those feelings are two different things. I never would have guessed Al would agree to be involved in doing something like this to Tris, who has been his friend since the beginning of initiation.
"You think I have to pretend to be vulnerable?" she sounds genuinely surprised.
"Yes, I do," I answer. Now I'm surprised. She obviously doesn't see herself as being the strong person I recognize her to be. I take the ice pack from her and hold it to her head. "You're going to want to march into breakfast tomorrow and show your attackers that they had no effect on you. But you should let that bruise on your cheek show and keep your head down." The idea of her having to do that makes me sick, but I know it may be the best option to keep her safe.
"I don't think I can do that," she says as she looks up at me.
"You have to," I reply. And I know she hates the thought as much as I do.
"I don't think you get it," she says. A look of embarrassment crosses her face. "They touched me."
I freeze. A dozen thoughts run through my mind and I'm suddenly filled with anger. "Touched you," I repeat. I had almost let myself believe that maybe Drew was telling the truth and they just wanted to scare her. I didn't want to believe they would actually hurt her. But the truth is they were not only willing to kill her but first they wanted to humiliate her and assault her too?
"Not...in the way you're thinking," she says and clears her throat. "But...almost." She still looks embarrassed and looks away.
The thought crosses my mind that I was too easy on Drew and I should have killed him. I should go find Peter and Al and take care of them too. For a minute violent thoughts run through my mind. I haven't felt anger like this for a long time. And then I stop and I feel horror and disgust with myself. These are the moments when I wonder if I am any better than Max or Eric. If I am any different than Marcus.
"What is it?" she asks in a small voice.
I realize I have been too silent and too still for too long while I've been battling the war going on inside me. I will not be like the Dauntless leaders. I will not become my father.
"I don't want to say this, but I feel like I have to. It is more important for you to be safe than right, for the time being. Understand?" I say.
Safe? I think to myself. We're talking about more than safety here – we're talking about staying alive.
She nods.
"But please, when you see an opportunity..." I take her face in my hand again and turn her head to look at me. "Ruin them."
She gives a nervous laugh and says "You're a little scary, Four."
I am a little scary. I scare myself sometimes with my dark thoughts. And although I don't want to kill them anymore for what they did tonight I do want them to be punished...severely.
That's the hard side of me talking. That's Four from Dauntless wanting justice talking. But I don't always like that side of myself. Sometimes I'd like to go back to the Tobias from Abnegation side of me. Because now I understand that the values I was taught there made me just as strong...maybe stronger. And better. I look at Tris. Four from Dauntless is the only one she knows. But now I know for sure I want her to know Tobias from Abnegation too.
"Do me a favor, and don't call me that," I say.
"What should I call you then?" she asks sounding a little puzzled.
"Nothing," I say as I pull my hand from her face.
"Yet."