Hey all! Thank you all for the sweet reviews! I'm so glad you enjoyed the last chapter!
I'm sorry there's been a little wait, I got on a roll with another story!
This song features Queen/Bowie's 'Under Pressure'. It came on the other day and gave me the stupid idea that I'm going with here. I'm sure y'all know it...if you don't, you're too young. Stop it. :-P. But I don't own it!
Chapter 14 – Under Pressure
Kai stirred from his sleep after an incredibly peculiar, unnerving dream.
He slowly sat himself up in a daze...wild hair all over the place. He was aware he'd had a strange and unpleasant dream, yet had no recollection of what it was.
He wasn't even fully aware of his actual surroundings yet, his brain still in limbo between sleep and wakefulness.
The red glow of his bedside clock read 3:26am, but he wasn't awake enough to register that.
His head rolled as he pulled himself out of his sleeping bag on the floor and staggered himself to the bathroom. Nature was calling.
He flipped the light on, squinting and letting out a slight groan at the light, did his business and washed his hands before staggering back, eyes still mostly closed.
His body automatically took him back to bed, pulling his covers back and climbing in to his warm bed...
Rei also stirred as the added weight in the bed moved him and warmth crept in next to him.
He slowly and gently rolled over, blinking the sleep out his eyes and coming to.
His eyes went wide as he came face to face with Kai, apparently already fast asleep next to him.
"...Kai?" he whispered.
Kai didn't answer. His breathing soft and deep.
Rei panicked...did he wake him up...? Or did he leave him sleeping and risk a super awkward wake up?
"...Kai?" he whispered again softly as he reached over and tapped him slightly.
"Hn? S'matter Rei...?" his voice drawled out groggily. His eyes tried to open, but were too heavy and kept falling shut again.
"You're uh...in bed..." Rei whispered awkwardly.
"s'alright..."
"No...you're in bed...with me..." Rei continued uncomfortably.
"Hn...s'cold..." he whined quietly before shifting even closer towards him.
He got close enough that his bangs were tickling his nose, the smell of his hair filling his nose as he breathed in.
He burned.
He was conflicted...should he try again to wake him up again or...?
It didn't take too long before he stopped debating all together and just...lay there.
He knew it was a little on the creepy side, but...this was...awesome...
He continued to lay there, wide awake and enjoying the closeness...which he did feel a stab of guilt about...but ignored it.
After a little while of laying there, lost in his own head, imagining scenarios in which he manned the hell up, told him he wanted him, Kai fell in to his arms and they lived happily ever after...Kai's eyebrows furrowed in his sleep and he let out a slight, quiet groan.
Rei studied his face, watching.
A moment later, he twitched a little and his eyebrows furrowed harder, another small groan came out.
Rei's face softened as he felt pity. This wasn't the first bad dream he'd seen Kai have in the very short time they'd been rooming...things must really be getting to him.
He flexed his hand and hesitated before reaching out and placing his hand on his side.
"It's just a bad dream...you're OK." he whispered.
He felt the warmth under his hand and realised he'd better take it off in case he woke up...he wouldn't have a way to explain that...
Kai's brow softened a little.
Rei let out a slight smile...
Before he even realised it, sleep took hold of him, too.
Kai let out a groan a few hours later as his 6:45am alarm went off.
He rolled over, rubbing his eyes with one hand while feeling the bedside table blindly trying to find his phone.
He strained his eyes, looking for it...only to see it wasn't there.
It was on the floor...next to his empty sleeping bag.
He frowned and rolled back over, still not 100% awake.
...Until he caught sight of Rei stirring next to him.
"Jesus fuck!" he yelled out, startled as he propelled himself back and fell off the side of the bed, landing on the floor with a thud.
Rei was suddenly wide awake, too as he pulled himself to look over the side.
"Kai!? Are you OK?!"
Kai jumped up, despite the pain in his ass from falling on it. His face beet red.
"What the hell was I doing in bed with you?!"
Rei sat himself up.
"Uh...you kind of just...got in..."
"And you didn't think to wake me up!?"
Rei shrugged.
"It's your bed, after all...I can't just kick you out of it..."
Kai looked at him horrified.
"Shit...Rei, I'm sorry! I don't remember...I just..."
Rei laughed.
"Kai...calm down...we've shared a bed before when we were younger...and besides, it looks to me like sleeping on the floor in that sleeping bag is messing with your back...you always look so sore in the morning.." he said before he felt the heat rise in his own face, "I don't mind if you wanna...you know...share...from now on..." he offered, trying his best not to sound too hopeful.
Kai stiffened.
His back always hurt like hell after a night on the floor...but no...
"It's OK...thanks..."
Rei nodded, and uncomfortable silence followed.
"...So...shall we do this...?" Rei said finally as he swung his legs over the side of the bed, reaching for his crutches and standing himself up.
Kai cursed inwardly.
"Great...let's follow this incident with another episode of 'trying not to get a rager while helping Rei in the shower'..."
He simply nodded and watched Rei hobble off in to the bathroom as usual, waiting for him to call him in...
A few minutes later, the call came, and Kai took in yet another deep breath to psych himself up.
He entered the bathroom and just like yesterday...and the two days before, Rei stood with a towel around his waist.
They didn't say anything...they knew the drill.
Kai stepped up to him and averted his eyes as Rei put his hands on his shoulders, waiting for those blissful few seconds where he'd have his hands on him and lift him up...
He felt the warmth on his waist and was soon lifted over the side of the tub and in.
Their eyes met, and to Kai's bewilderment, Rei started chuckling.
"...What?" Kai asked.
"It's just...I actually think you look good with bed head..."
Kai felt the color drain from his face.
Rei pulled the curtain shut and turned the water on. In a heartbeat, Kai threw himself in front of his new bathroom mirror (having finally replaced the one he put his fist through...) and felt his stomach plummet.
"That's it...final straw...yet one more reason not to go on living..." he whimpered to himself dramatically as he took in his sleep dishevelled hair that to him looked like he'd shoved his finger in an electrical socket...
His mind took him on a wave of humiliating anxiety as he ran his fingers through his hair and tried to fix it a little before Rei got out again.
"...Did I snore last night?! Do I snore!? How would I know? I'm asleep! ...and did I breath my nasty-ass morning breath on him the whole time!?"
He immediately grabbed his toothbrush and frantically brushed his teeth while still trying to fix his stupid hair.
"This is all Dan fuckin' Harris' fault!" he growled to himself going through another hate cycle towards his teacher, "Next time I see him, I'm gonna tear him a new-"
He stopped his thoughts dead in its tracks as it suddenly dawned on him...
Today was Thursday...
He was going to see the new doctor today...despite laying awake until pretty late last night dreading it, he seemed to have forgotten this morning.
"Fahk!" he accidentally muffled out loud through the toothbrush in his mouth.
The shower curtain instantly pulled back a little and Rei poked his head through looking worried.
"What's the matter?!"
Kai turned his head and blinked, seeing his head right there, hair wet and stuck to his face looking at him, panicked.
He realised he couldn't answer him...because he had a mouth full of toothpaste...
"Uhhmmm..." he shook his head, telling him he was fine.
Rei instantly started chuckling again as he saw him looking like a deer in the headlights with toothpaste around the corners of his mouth.
"Sorry...caught you with your mouth full, huh?" he said before disappearing back behind the curtain.
Kai's head turned back to the mirror and saw his mouth lined with toothpaste and groaned again.
He leaned forward and spat before going at it again.
"I hate my life...I hate my life...I hate Dan Harris and I hate my life..." he chanted mentally along to the rhythm of his brushing.
Not long after he'd washed up, the water turned off and Rei was ready to come out.
This was the worst part for Kai...not only was he all wet, slippery and...yeh...he also loved the smell of the soap Rei used...and just after a shower, it punched him in the face.
As Rei pulled back the shower curtain, Kai tried his best to hold his breath.
They quickly assumed the position once again and Kai carefully lifted him out, gently setting him back down on the floor.
They switched after Rei safely got dressed and back in to the room and Kai was left to shower and wallow in peace.
He came out a little while later, hair fixed like usual with his school pants and white shirt, leaving only his tie and jacket.
This was the worst part for Rei...despite seeing it so many times...and it was such a mundane thing...something about watching him do up his tie and slip his jacket on...did something to him.
He tried to distract himself by making conversation.
"So...today's the day, huh?"
He regretted it a little when he saw Kai tense up as he did his tie in the mirror.
"...Yeh..."
Rei nodded.
"...Hey...You never did tell me...what happened with the last one?"
Kai tensed a lot harder.
"Nothing!" he snapped.
Rei recoiled a little.
"...Sorry...I was just..."
Kai instantly felt bad for snapping at him and let out a sigh.
"...Sorry Rei...not right now..."
"...You nervous?" Rei asked.
His silence spoke for him as he ignored him and continued to do his tie.
Rei smiled softly and grabbed his crutches, standing himself and hobbling over to him.
"Hey...it's gonna be fine."
"Yeh. I know..." Kai said defensively, not taking his eyes off the mirror to avoid him.
Rei balanced himself and reached out, putting his hand on his arm.
He instantly stopped doing his tie and turned his head.
"...I'm really proud of you for doing this..."
His eyes shone with sincerity.
"...and I'll be thinking about you the whole time..." he added bashfully.
Kai's tension instead got replaced with a slight squirm in his stomach.
"...Thanks Rei..."
"Yeh, no problem...look forward to hearing good things later..."
"Hn..." he replied quietly before finishing his tie...feeling a strange combination of being comforted and uncomfortable at the same time.
They made their way down to the school. Kai had to endure an hour of French before leaving for his appointment. Funnily enough, it was somewhat hard to give a crap about verb conjugations this morning...
He felt his stomach tense as the bell went...it was time to go.
He went to the teacher's room to go get Dan, pretending not to see the encouraging look Rei was trying to throw him before they left.
He got in to the car quietly and put his seat belt on beside Dan, who was also trying to give him a supportive smile.
"It's going to be completely different this time...you'll see..."
"Hn..."
They set off...and just like every other time they'd been in a car together, there was silence.
Dan could feel the dread coming off him..
After about ten minutes of quiet in to their forty minute drive...Dan decided he wanted to try and lighten the move.
"...You seem kinda tense there."
"I'm fine!" he snapped immediately.
"Uh huh..."
Kai huffed...why couldn't he just learn when to leave him alone?
"...You know what helps me feel better when I'm tense...?" he asked with his trademark grin as he pulled out his iPod.
Kai's eyes narrowed.
"...I swear to god, if you say 'singing', I'm going to-"
"SINGING!" he beamed with an even bigger grin, cutting him off before he could make his threat.
Kai rolled his eyes.
"Figures...loser..."
"Says the choir boy..." he joked back, "c'mon! Let's do a little car karaoke! Or 'car'aoke heh heh..."
Kai cringed.
"Urgh! Do you hear yourself?! It's like being stuck with an embarrassing dad..."
"And you're my moody teenager that I get to embarrass! It fits!"
Kai felt his chest tighten...
Dan was too busy looking between the road and his iPod to notice.
"Oh! Perfect! We can both do this! You know this one!?" he asked as he held it out to him.
"I'm not doing it even if I do..." Kai huffed as he refused to take it.
"Do as your told..." Dan said in a playful sternness.
Kai sighed and took it to look.
Queen – Under Pressure
He scowled.
"You know it?!" Dan asked hopefully.
"No..." he lied as he kept his head looking forward and lazily shoved it back at him.
"Bullshit! I know when you're lying to me!" Dan laughed as he pointed at him, "Come on! I'll be Bowie, you be Freddy!"
"I'd rather drink bleach..."
"I'll let the catchy intro lure you in, my little spoilsport..."
He hit play and the familiar bass line began to play.
"Ahhhh?" Dan said as he began to bob a little.
"Forget it, I'm not-"
"PRESSURE! Pushin' dowwnn on me, pushin' down on you, no man ask for!" he belted out before turning his head, "You're next!" he interjected quickly.
Kai glared at him and stayed quiet as the song kept playing.
Dan instantly stopped it and actually looked disappointed.
"Oh, don't be such a wet blanket!"
Kai glared harder and Dan let out a big smirk.
"Tell you what...you do this and one, I promise never to speak of it to anyone and two, I promise to stop pokin' fun at you for being hopelessly head over heels over Rei..."
….he said as he held his hand behind his back and crossed his fingers.
Kai's face instantly went from a glare to surprised.
"...Really?"
"Yes! Absolutely!" Dan lied as he crossed his fingers harder behind his back.
Kai considered it...singing one stupid song to make him shut up and stop ribbing him...seemed like a good deal...
"Fine...and for the record, I am not head over heels for Rei!" he protested.
"Uh huh..."
Kai's eyes narrowed, wondering if he'd say anything else.
Dan gave him an innocent look and pretended to pull a zip across his mouth.
"...this is so stupid..."
"If by stupid you mean awesome then I agree!" he said excitedly as he reset the music, happy he was getting him to go along with it, "and by the way, my offer is only valid if you give it your all! You half-ass it, deal's off!"
Kai let out an irritated growl as he pinched the bridge of his nose.
Dan's grin came back.
"Let's do this!" he exclaimed as he hit play again and the song restarted.
Their cue came.
"PRESSURE! Pushin' dowwnn on me, pushin' down on you, no man ask for!" he sang out again before looking over at Kai again.
He sang...kind of...was more of mumbling the words.
Kai sighed when the song stopped again.
He turned his head to see Dan pulling an annoyed looking...almost a pout.
"That's not giving it your all!"
Kai growled again.
"I really don't wanna sing a duet in a car with my teacher!" he argued back.
Dan cocked an authoritative brow.
"Fine...have it your way..."
Kai huffed and turned his head back to the window.
"...so...you been taking sneaky peeks at him in the shower?"
"Oh, grow up!" Kai yelled.
Dan smirked harder as he kept his eyes on the road. He was just too easy....
"Ooohhh, you're not denying it!" he grinned before going for the next jab, "Be honest, on a scale from one to ten, how hard has it been not to jump on him and kiss that pretty face?"
"Shut up..." he growled out, annoyed.
"Shame you're too much of a chicken shit to do it..."
Kai finally snapped.
"On a scale from one to ten, how much do you not want me to report you for saying inappropriate crap like this to your students!?"
Dan just giggled and looked at him with an amused expression.
"Face it, Kai...you won't win...I can do this all day! ….I think I just might! Let's see...I'm going to guess your favorite feature is...hmm...his eyes?" he said as he glanced over to see his reaction, his face was still glowing and his glare powerful.
"...his hair?"
His glanced again to see his glare had lost some power.
"Ha! Bingo! ...Aw! I'm kind of impressed by how much of a little gentleman you are...after seeing him in the buff, your favorite part is still his hair?...You looooove him..."
Kai glowed a violent shade of red before reaching over and snatching the iPod.
"Fine! I'll Freddy the fuck out of this if you'll just stop!"
"Woooo!" Dan exclaimed victoriously and once again beamed with excitement as the music started.
"PRESSURE! Pushin' down on me, pushin' down on you, no man ask for! ….Under pressure..."
He turned to Kai.
"That burns a building down, splits a family in two, puts people on the streets..."
Dan's eyes sparkled.
"That's more like it!" he said before slapping the steering wheel along to his part, "It's the terror of knowing what this woooorld is abooout! Watching some good friends screaming, let me out!"
"Tomoorrrow, gets me higggher..."
"Pressure on people – people on streets..."
Dan continued to nod his head from side to side, tap the steering wheel and grin as Kai sang his part...properly. He really did have a good voice, and it sounded like he was trying to imitate Freddy Mercury...he wondered what he was going to go for the hard part coming up...
"Turned away from it all like a blind man...sat on the fence, bit it won't work."
"Keep comin' up with love but it's so slashed and torn..." Dan sang before holding his breath...this was it...
"Why? Why? WHHHYYYYYY-"
His jaw dropped and snapped his head to him again as his voice soared to pitches he didn't know he could reach. He grinned once again as he watched him straining his vocal chords and trying with everything he had to do it. Sure, it wasn't perfect, but who the hell cared?!
Dan amped his own voice up for the rest of the song, enjoying this a little too much...
To Kai's delight, the song finally ended...he'd never do that again.
Dan let out a sigh.
"Ahhh...still can't believe Bowie is gone...hope you're restin' well, Starman!" he said as he held up the peace sign to the sky.
"Amen..." Kai added.
Dan leaned over and gently slapped his arm.
"And where the hell have you been hiding that falsetto?!"
Kai jumped a little at the slap and the excitement in his voice.
"What the hell is that?"
"Your voice! Since when can you hit high notes like that?!"
Kai frowned and went pink yet again.
"You said to go for it or you'd keep being an asshole! I was just trying to copy him!"
"And oh my god, didn't you just! You know, with a little voice coaching..."
"No!" he protested before he could continue, "Enough singing! After the choir contest, I'm out!"
Dan huffed as he felt a little disappointed...he thought Kai had grown a liking for singing.
"...Wanna do another one?" he asked anyway...
"No."
"I'll let you choose the next one?" he asked hopefully.
"No! And anyway, I doubt there's anything good on here..." he said as he held up Dan's iPod, "that was probably the only decent song you have..."
Dan gasped, offended. One thing Dan 'Music Man' Harris prided himself on was his incredible taste.
"How dare you! I challenge you to find a bad song on there!"
Kai cocked a brow and scrolled through.
"Found one..." he said smugly.
"The hell you did! What is it!?"
Kai smirked and hit play before fast forwarding to the chorus and a synthesised 80's beat came through the speakers.
"...I'd been had, I was sad and blue, but you made me feel, yeh you maaade me feeel, shiny and newwww. Like a virgin...touched for the very first time!"
Dan glared at him...something he never did.
"You take that back! Madonna is an icon!"
"She suuuucks..." Kai said, enjoying riling him up for a change.
Dan pouted before smirking.
"Doesn't this song make you think of Rei...except you are actually a virgin...?"
"You said you'd stop with this shit if I sang!" Kai screeched out, yet again flaming.
It took Dan a while to explain the concept that if you cross your fingers behind your back while making a promise, it doesn't count...apparently he hadn't heard of it before. He was pissed.
"But hey...", Dan figured, "at least it distracted him for a while..."
The second they arrived, however, he went back to being tense and nervous.
They sat in the waiting room, waiting to be called.
Right on time, a slim man in his fifties came through.
"Kai Hiwatari?"
He froze in his seat...he knew it wasn't going to be like last time. He knew it, but it didn't stop the anxiety gluing him to his seat.
The man gave a soft smile and walked closer to him.
"The name's Derek Freeman." he said in a friendly voice before turning to Dan, "And you must be Dan Harris! Nice to meet you after talking on the phone."
Dan stood and shook his hand.
"Nice to see you again, doc! We've actually met once before, but years ago..."
"Ah, yes! I remember you telling me on the phone I treated your brother many moons ago...how is he?"
"He's great! You worked wonders for him, so thought I'd bring Kai here to see you..."
Dr. Freeman's soft gaze turned back to Kai.
"Well then...would you like to come through to my office?"
He didn't answer.
Dan sat back down next to him.
"...I can vouch for this guy, he's a good one! Come on, you've got this..."
Dr. Freeman looked between them. He'd been told what had happened with the previous doctor. That he'd locked the door for some unknown reason and caused him to go in to a panic attack.
"You know...if you'd be more comfortable with Mr. Harris in the room, too, that's fine by me..."
Kai tensed angrily. He didn't need his hand held...
He shook his head and silently forced himself to stand up before following Dr. Freeman to his office.
...but not before glancing back over his shoulder at Dan.
"...Pleassseeee go well..." Dan muttered under his breath as he watched him go, getting nervous himself.
If this didn't go well, he was scared he'd never seek help again...
Kai stepped in to the small, tidy office and flinched as the door closed behind him. The doctor walked by him and sat at his desk before looking up at him standing there.
"...I won't be offended if you want to check the door..."
Kai shook his head.
"Please..." he said with a smile as he gestured to the couch, "have a seat..."
He carefully stepped towards the plush couch and sat at the very edge of it, resting his hands on his knees...feeling tense...he could feel the guy studying him...
"I want to make it very clear before we start, that should you feel the need to step out at any time, you're more than welcome to do so...if you wanted to leave the door open a little even, that's fine...whatever makes you comfortable."
He shook his head.
Freeman smiled.
"Very well, if you change your mind at any time...go for it."
Kai watched him intently as he got himself comfortable in his chair and spread out some papers on his desk.
"Let's get started shall we?" he said before looking at him.
Kai's stomach tightened.
"So..."
He braced himself...wondering what he was going make him talk about...
"...what do you like to do outside beyblading?"
His face fell to a bewildered expression.
"...What?"
"Ah...so that's what your voice sounds like..." he joked, that being the first time he'd actually spoken, "Well...I know you're a beyblading champ...what else do you like to do?"
"Um?"
"...is that all you're in to?"
"I mean...mostly..."
Freeman waited as he saw him thinking about it.
"...I...like playing the violin?"
Freeman smirked a little.
"Are you asking me or telling me?"
"...telling...?"
Freeman's smirk grew a little.
"A violinist...that's cool...my daughter used to be an excellent cellist...but, after high school she just stopped...real shame if you ask me..."
Kai nodded politely.
"What else? What are you interested in...?"
Kai frowned and gave short, direct answers...waiting for him to hit him with something heavier.
After all, what did any of this have to do with...feelings and crap?
"You like reading, huh? What genre? Any favorites?"
"What music do you like? Wow...very eclectic taste for someone so young..."
"Play any sports other than blading? I guess you train too much, huh? How about in gym class? Anything you like?"
"What subject do you like?"
Freeman watched as gradually his body became slightly more relaxed. No longer so stiff and tense.
"All right...I've given you the enough of the Spanish Inquisition...last question..."
Kai waited.
"...What brings you here?"
And just like that, he tensed right up again.
"...isn't that on your little paper there?"
"You're not a paper..."
"But I mean, you already know..."
"Do I?"
"Don't you?"
Freeman sat back in his chair.
"I need to hear it from you..."
He thought about it...but where did he even begin to explain?
What should he start with?
He felt pressure to respond building as he felt his eyes on him.
He gripped his knees a little harder as he felt everything in him sink...it really dawned on him as his mind went through the long list of things he could start with...he was a mess...
"I..."
His eyes lifted to meet Freeman's.
As soon as he did, a large sensation of shame crushed him.
"I'm sorry...I can't do this..." he muttered as he pushed himself up from the couch and quickly walked out.
Dan's head lifted as he heard the door open and felt his chest sink as Kai stormed out towards with his head down.
"I change my mind...I want to leave..."
His brows furrowed.
"Why? What happened?"
"Nothing! I just...there's no point!"
"What do you mean?"
"There just isn't, all right?! Let's go!"
"...you can't have come to that conclusion after twenty minutes...you haven't really even given it a shot yet..."
Kai avoided his eyes and folded his arms.
"What made you run out?"
"...he wanted me to tell him stuff..."
"Well yeh...that's kind of the whole point of this...you asked to come here, remember?"
"I know! I thought I could, but I can't!"
"Why can't you?"
"Because I don't even know where to start!", he burst, "He asked me to tell him why I came here and I can't even...I can't even find a starting point to tell him! It's too late for all this now...!"
Dan smiled softly and grabbed his arm, dragging him back to the office. The door was still wide open.
Kai tried to pull his arm away from him as he dragged him back in to the room.
"What the hell!?" he growled at him as he finally managed to rip his arm away.
"Tell him exactly what you just told me. That is a starting point...don't over think it or put so much pressure on it, say what you feel!" he smiled at him, giving him a gentle shove back on the couch, "now come on, don't let yourself down..." he said with a soft sternness before he turned to move towards the door.
"...Are you sure you don't want him to stay in here with us, son?" Freeman asked him. He'd heard the whole thing since the door was wide open. This was clearly difficult for the boy, and watching them there gave him the impression his teacher was someone he leaned on.
Dan turned to look at Kai, who hunched over in to his folded arms and huffed.
"...Whatever..."
Dan knew that was Kai for 'yes', so turned back around and quietly took a seat next to him.
Once he was sat, Freeman went back to it.
"Let me rephrase the question...what was it that made your teacher here pick up the phone and call me?"
He fiddled with his hands.
"...I had a panic attack..."
Freeman nodded.
"I see...can you tell me about the lead up to that...?"
He took a breath as he composed what he wanted to say in his head.
"I uh...I lost my temper with a teacher...we had a...disagreement and it just kind of blew up..."
"What was the disagreement about...?"
Kai explained what happened with Mr. Griffin. How somehow forgetting his textbook had lead to him nearly attacking him...
As he recounted the story to him, it really hit him just how out of hand that whole thing got...ridiculous even...if Dan hadn't have held him back, he would have assaulted an old man...
Guilt gripped his insides.
"Were you aware at the time that the situation was getting out of control?"
Kai paused.
"...No..."
"What was going through your mind at the time?"
"I don't know...I guess I was...too angry to think straight..."
Freeman nodded again.
"...is this something that you'd say happened a lot? Losing your temper and control over it?" he asked, trying to guide him a little.
"...Yeh..." he admitted quietly.
Freeman let out a small smile.
"Well then...I think we have our starting point...let's do something about that..."
Kai lifted his head to look at him.
"What about the panic attacks...? Can you make them stop?"
The doctor hesitated.
"...One thing at a time, huh? I will be upfront and tell you that unfortunately there's no 'cure' as such for them...but they can be treated to an extent. You were right, I do have a paper here that says you have suspected anxiety issues...we'll get to those, too. If we can tackle the roots of your anxiety and teach you how to handle it, it should definitely help against future attacks...maybe even stop them for good, but as I said...we'll get to that...we can't fix everything in an hour...or a few hours even. This is going to be a process...and first I think we should make your anger issues the priority."
Kai took in what he said before letting out a disappointed sigh.
Freeman looked at the clock.
"...and it's coming up to the end of our time today...so I want to give you this..." he said as he went in to his drawer and pulled out a brown manila envelope and got up, walking over and handing it to him before sitting himself down again.
Kai stared at it.
"...this is some information and self-help advice for managing anger and anxiety...little things you can do yourself."
He instantly cringed at the word 'self-help'.
"...I want you to have a read over them before our next meeting, and we'll really get in to it next time..."
He stayed quiet and nodded.
Freeman turned his attention to Dan.
"Is it school policy that he wears his uniform here..?"
"Well...it's usually required if a student goes somewhere during a school day..."
Freeman let out a small smile.
"May I request you bend that rule in the future?" he asked before looking back to Kai, "...not that you don't look sharp in your jacket and tie there, son...but I imagine you'd feel a lot looser in your own clothes..."
Dan nodded.
"Of course, I'll see to it."
They concluded their session and Dan and Kai went back to the car and set off back to school.
Once again, silence.
"That was much better, huh? You did great! I told you you could do it..."
Kai ignored him.
Dan paused for a minute.
"...What did you think? Was it as bad as you thought it was going to be?"
"...Can we please not do this?" Kai asked quietly.
Dan took his eyes off the road and turned his head to him. His face fell.
He looked really down.
"...What's the matter? You did it...now the worst part is over and you can move forward."
"...Yeh."
Dan let out a deep exhale. He had a feeling he knew what this was about.
"...If it makes you feel better, my brother Ethan hasn't had a panic attack in years...it'll take some time and some work, but you'll get there..."
"...Hn..."
Dan wanted to keep trying to make him feel better...but he could see he was done for today...maybe he needed a little thinking time...
They got back to school and Kai went off to fifth period. He was relieved his classes for the rest of the day were his own electives instead of with his home room class...just one hour of ancient history followed by an hour of music.
He sat at his desk a million miles away as his teacher came in.
"All right, boys...books and files away. Pen and pencils only. You know the drill."
Kai blinked before letting out a huge sigh.
….He forgot there was a class test today...
The teacher came round with the papers, placing them face down on the desks.
"You have 45 minutes write an essay answering the question. Your time starts...now. You may begin."
The sound of papers turning simultaneously filled the room.
Kai slowly picked his up.
"Ancient Egypt: New Kingdom Unit Test: What does the Temple of Karnak reveal about the roles of New Kingdom pharaoh?"
He picked up his pen...and his mind went completely blank...
He'd just studied this, for god's sake! Hell, he'd BEEN to that temple! Bought a bookmark made of papyrus in a nearby souvenir shop...he didn't usually buy tacky souvenirs...but that little thing caught his eye.
Anyway...now he couldn't even muster up an image of what the place even looked like...let alone what it revealed about frickin' pharaohs!
He let out a quiet, irritated growl.
Why did this always happen!? When something kicked him down, apparently everything else had to jump right in and start kicking him, too. Like the universe was pretending to wind a jack-in-the-box with one hand while slowly bringing up it's middle finger at him with the other.
He stared at the paper, his brain trying to scramble any kind of information at all before coming up with nothing...absolutely jack squat..instead, his mind took him off elsewhere...
Until suddenly...
"Ten minutes remaining, boys...when you finish, please bring your paper to the front and you may leave."
His head shot up and looked at the clock before shooting back down to his blank paper.
He hadn't written a god damn thing...
Shit.
What was the question again?!
He read it over a few more times...still a complete blank about how to answer it.
His hand gripped his hair as he rested it on his arm on the desk feeling panicked.
He'd never flunked a test before...
He looked back up at the clock and realised he had seven minutes to write an essay...
There was no point...
So he gave up.
He put his pen to his paper.
"I have no idea." he scribbled before grabbing it roughly, picking up his things and walking to the front, slamming it face down on his teacher's desk and getting the hell out of there.
He dragged himself to the music room and waited, finding his violin case and sitting down with it.
...Fucking up one class test wouldn't matter, would it? They counted towards the overall grade but...surely not by that much...right?
...He'd had perfect grades since the year started...he was top of his class...this wouldn't jeopardize that, would it?
Other students began showing up and getting their instruments...waiting for the one who always showed up last...
Dan waltzed in a few minutes after the bell.
"Afternoon everyone! Hope you're all ready to get your Schubert on!"
Kai felt a little better. They'd recently started learning a new piece called 'der Erlkoenig', which was one he really liked. It was music based on a German poem about a father and son riding on horseback at night, when suddenly the boy can see and hear things that apparently the father can't. The father tries to comfort him, telling him it's just fog he can see or the sound of the leaves...but it turns out, the son is being assailed by a supernatural being...that kills him.
The music was dramatic, dark and sinister...and really fun to play, despite being a real challenge.
They got their sheet music out and got themselves ready, tuning up their instruments.
Dan got ready at the front to conduct, he turned his head when he heard the music room door open.
Rei poked his head in. Dan smiled and waved him in before he slowly snuck in to watch...which he had done a few times on a Thursday afternoon...he loved watching 'them' play.
Kai ignored him and kept his eyes on the sheet music.
As they began to play...Kai found himself being all fingers and thumbs, struggling to get his fingers to move to the right places to play it.
His violin let out a screech and he got more worked up as he felt the students next to him look over at him.
Dan glanced over, too. But fortunately, Kai wasn't the only one having trouble with it either.
"Stop, stop! Rick, I think your cello needs tuning up a little more...sounds off..."
While they fixed his cello, Kai shook and stretched his hand and fingers and cracked his knuckles to try and loosen them up.
"OK, once again from the top..."
They played again...it was no better, his eyes were reading the music in time, but his hands just weren't playing ball...
He felt himself getting more and more flustered as he struggled to keep up...and then....
Twang. A string broke.
"God damnit!" he yelled as he caught himself and resisted the overwhelming urge to throw the damn thing on the floor.
Rei held his breath...as did the other students, who were taken aback by the outburst as they all instantly stopped playing too.
Dan also felt worried...the last thing he wanted was for him to flip out in front of the class.
"Hey...happens to the best of us...easily fixed. You know where they are...you know how to change them, right?"
He nodded and kept his head down, coming out from the group and taking himself as far as he could to tend to his instrument.
He looked at the clock. Only fifteen minutes left...maybe he could just drag it out so he didn't have to go back up...
Rei watched him over his shoulder and felt himself sink...judging by his mood and the fact he was yet to even look his way, he guessed today didn't go well...
A few minutes went by and Dan also looked over his shoulder at him as he tried to continue with his class...it shouldn't take more than a few minutes to replace a string...he was milking it, but decided to leave him to it.
The bell finally went and Kai dashed out. The only positive today was that there was no choir practice...a bunch of the members had some kind of test after school, so it got rescheduled.
He took himself up to his room, knowing Rei probably wouldn't be done for another half hour or so...a small window for some peace.
He threw his bag down and slumped at his desk feeling miserable...
He'd get his first F in a test...in ancient history of all things...and he just showed himself up royally in music...in front everyone...and in front of Rei...could have given a chimp a violin and it would have sounded better than he just did...the two things he was really passionate about at school and he couldn't even do them right...
As for the morning...sure, today didn't involve being locked in a room with some slimy psychologist...nor did it equate to a panic attack like last time...this guy actually seemed rather approachable, and Dan thought highly of him...
…But he still came away from it feeling...
Hopeless.
He glanced over at his bag and figured while he had some time by himself...he should just get it over with and make himself more miserable.
He reached in and pulled out the envelope the doctor had given him, opening it up and pulling out the pamphlets he'd given him.
"Controlling Anger – Before It Controls You"
"Anger – The Hidden Anxiety Emotion"
"Depression is More Than Just Sadness"
He cringed...the titles alone made him feel humiliated...
He opened them up and spread them out, scanning over them all at once.
"Anger is a normal, healthy human emotion. But when it flairs up all the time and spirals out of control, it becomes unhealthy..."
"Anger is rooted in fear. And fear is another word for anxiety. While not all anger is anxiety, if you take a step back, you might find in many situations that your feelings of anger are rooted in feeling anxious..."
"Freud used to describe depression as 'anger turned inward'. While this may be a very simplistic statement, there is no doubt that anger plays a big role in depression..."
He skimmed through them all, not really interested in the explanations, but seeing what a pearls of wisdom they had about a solution.
What he read just confirmed what he thought...
He threw them back down on the desk and pushed himself away from the desk, taking off his jacket and tie and tossing them carelessly on the floor before climbing on to the bed.
He just wanted to be still for a while, feeling mentally and physically drained.
Rei came in about half an hour later, hobbling in on his crutches to find him fast asleep on the bed.
...4:30 and he was in bed?
He figured he was just worn out. He'd let him sleep a little while before he woke him up. He wouldn't sleep tonight otherwise.
Since the bed was taken, the only place for him to go was Kai's desk.
He settled himself in to the chair and swivelled around in it, looking around.
His eyes scanned the shelf just above his desk and he let out a little smile. His books were so neatly ordered and organised.
His eyes went to the desk and landed on the pamphlets scattered across it.
He picked them up and scanned the titles before looking over his shoulder to check Kai was still asleep...and then stopped himself. Setting them back down.
Kai wouldn't be happy if he just helped himself to these...this was private...Kai would tell him himself...
Instead, he picked up one of his textbooks, wondering if he would get any of it...he went with science.
"Nope." he concluded after about 40 seconds of scanning graphs, diagrams and impossible to pronounce words before snapping it shut and putting it back.
He swivelled his chair back around and looked at Kai's sleeping form again and smiled.
He was so clever...he'd always known that, but since he'd been at the school with him, he'd come to realise just how bright he was.
His smile fell.
...Shame he wasn't...
He knew he wasn't stupid...he had common sense, but when it came to academics...it just wasn't for him.
...Kai probably needed someone who he could connect with on an intellectual level...someone who read long, boring books that he could talk to about...discuss the philosophical implications or...whatever smart, well read people talked about...
….He'd tried his best to read that Sherlock Holmes book...he really wanted to get in to it so he could share that with him.
"...impress him, you mean..." a little voice in his head mocked.
...It wasn't that he didn't enjoy the stories it was just...urgh, such a pain in the ass trying to read that old timey English...he had to keep reading it again and again to work out what the hell was going on...and ended up just giving up...he'd check out the movies...
He sighed before standing himself up again...he'd better wake the genius up...
He hopped over and sat himself on the edge of the bed before shaking him gently.
"...Kai?"
Kai stirred and rolled over, forcing his eyes open.
"Yeh?" he asked as he stretched himself a little.
"...you'd better wake up, you won't sleep tonight otherwise..."
"Mm..." he groaned out before making himself sit up.
Rei stayed where he was and waited a minute for him to come to.
"So...how'd it go today?" he asked, desperate to know...
Kai instantly looked away from him and rubbed his temples.
"...Sorry, Rei...my head is pounding...can we not?"
Rei's brow furrowed.
"...Got a headache?"
"That's what I just said, isn't it?" he said with annoyed sarcasm that stung him.
"...Yeh...sorry...you uh, want me to go get you something for it?"
"No." he said quickly before maneuvering around Rei and getting off the bed, "I just need some quiet and to sleep it off..."
Rei watched him turn his back to him and set out his sleeping bag on the floor before taking himself to the bathroom to change in to loose pants and a t-shirt. He didn't look at him when he came out, either, settling himself down and rolling over.
Rei sighed again and stretched himself out on the bed...this was going to be a quiet evening...
Maybe he could go hang out with Scotty or Reuben...or both...they were likely together and they'd invited him to hang out before...that would give him the peace he clearly wanted...he didn't fully believe he had a headache at all...he was likely just in a funk...
He'd give him tonight...but he'd get him tomorrow...he wasn't going to let him shut him out again...
He grabbed his crutches and hoisted himself up again, making his way around Kai and out the door, flicking the light off for him as he left.
As soon as the door closed, Kai curled in to himself.
The darkened room was silent apart from the sound of sniffing and hitched breathing.
End of Chapter!
I wanted Rei to go at him this chapter, but it was getting way too long! Next time!
I don't own Under Pressure or any of the music mentioned in this chapter.
Neither do I play an instrument...I do know Erlkonig (love it!), sounds ridiculously hard. Maybe too hard for high schoolers...I have no clue! If there are any musicians reading this and thinking I'm an idiot...let's just say they're incredibly talented lol.
Also: Huge Bowie fan over here. My absolute hero. Been wanting to throw him in to a story somewhere as a small tribute for ages. RIP Starman.
I hope you enjoyed it! I'd be really grateful for any comments!
Thank you for reading and I'll see you next chapter!