Disclaimer:

Tal: "Shhhhhhhh, be vewy vewy quiet; I'm hunting an andwos, heh heh heh heh heh heh!"

Andros: "Eh, ;carrot chewing sounds; ... what's up, doc?"

Tal: "Andwos season!" ;point gun at Andros;

Andros: ;puts carrot in barrel;

Tal: ;presses trigger;

Andros: ;chuckles;

Tal: ;explodes;

Darnit!

Not Mine;

A/N: After weeks (months) of torture, another chapter. Not my best but I promised something and this.. well, it's definitely a something…

What's Left of Me
by DarkHonda aka Tal

PriS AU.

Chapter 13: Maybe

And maybe it was wrong. Maybe he shouldn't have told her anything. Maybe he was just dreaming. 'Dreaming?' he wondered, 'how can I dream if it's a nightmare?' he asked himself. He couldn't face her after he finally confessed he loved her, because he couldn't say he regretted feeling this way; how could he? She was light and happiness and sweetness… she was redemption in so many ways from his desperate reality, but at the end… 'at the end, I've tainted her too,' he realized, 'at the end, I infected her with myself, I should've let her stay with Zhane from the beginning, I should've known I'd blow it…'
It was his fault. He made her lose everything that was so uniquely Ashley, and his conscience refused to let him get away with it: it has already been a day since then and he still refused to get out of his room, leaving only for fights and for a very late at night stroll on the Megaship. He didn't even train anymore; he was a man who lost his hope.

It was late at night, he never allowed himself walking out of the room before he was certain the other rangers were sleeping. He asked Deca whether there was anyone on board, she didn't answer and he took it as a yes. A little hungry, he walked to the Holding Bay hoping to get a midnight snack or any other edible product the Synthetron could provide. He entered the Holding Bay bare foot, the only clothe that was wrapped around him was a pair of shabby black training pants that were longer and sweep the floor as he walked. Sleepily, he walked to the Synthetron, his mind nearly shut of anything; he sent his hand forward automatically and pressed a few soft buttons, a few seconds later he opened the Synthetron little door to reveal a little plate with little colorful chips. He grabbed the little plate and headed towards the little table only to notice someone was already there.

Ashley was wearing a yellow tank top and really short white shorts, her hands circling a steaming red mug of hot chocolate. He immediately froze in place, nearly dropping the plate full of Orez, he gulped nervously and cowardly he retreated to the nearest door, intending on disappearing.
"Andros…" she whispered, her voice made his heart tremble, he hesitated; not sure if he should exit or not, her voice drew him to stay in the Holding Bay with her but his logic refused. He wasn't sure of anything anymore, he didn't know whether he should explain himself or deny everything and ignore her in a way that would make her hate him for the rest of her life. A second and a stolen glimpse later, he decided to go for the first option, thinking that this way, he wouldn't have to live with her hatred. He was hated enough already.

"Ashley, I'm sorry," he told her, his voice a little stronger, a little braver. He couldn't take his eyes off of her gentle form; he just wanted to hold her. To feel reassured. To feel the warmth she offered and the comfort only she knew how to give. He knew it was hopeless too; everything he said was a mistake, why did he think she'd be able to love him? To like him even? He was a sinner, a tragedy, and she was the most beautiful angel…
How, for Keonta's sake, he could ever think he deserved her? He was so flawed and she was perfect, he was darkness and she was light. They didn't fit together- they couldn't! But it didn't stop him from wanting and craving every aspect of her.

He diverted his gaze from her, they were standing in a breath taking silence, cold as ice, he knew he had to say something, anything, that would make her understand, something that would soothe him.. But he couldn't. His problems were his- and that is the end of it.
He decided to precede her, he had to be the strong one, he had to keep his emotions to himself, 'I have to be cold, reasonable, think with my head not with my heart!' he commanded himself. He cast another stolen glance at her, taking a deep breath, feeling a wave of relief all of a sudden, suddenly her voice was heard;

"Andros, I'm not –" she started saying but he had to interrupt her, he couldn't let himself hear the terrible words of rejection that he knew were about to come.

"I don't have any right lying to you," he said quietly, "I was just too desperate, Ashley I'm sorry, I made a mistake saying I loved you because…I don't," he managed to say clearly, immediately noticing the consequences of his words on her. Her eyes turned to solid ice, for a moment she stared at him, examining him, to see if he really meant it. When she saw he did, when she finally registered it before her, her warm brown eyes that were ice solid, frozen with surprise, melted into blank watery tears that were threatening to stream down her beautiful cheeks. He knew that if she cries he won't be able to deal with it. His own grief he could handle, but never hers; he looked at her, silently wishing for her forgiveness, for being a jerk doing this, she did not cry, he had a hunch she refused to cry in front of him and that she'll fall apart in her room, but there was nothing he could do for her. He did what's right for them both.

Determination flowed in his veins again, 'of course I meant it,' he tried to convince himself; after all, he couldn't afford himself to love, he didn't deserve loving, and he didn't deserve to feel anything but his grief and disappointment. He turned to finally exit the Holding Bay, but her hand brushed against his shoulder and he stopped;
"I thought we had something," she managed to stutter, her voice breaking, "I realize I don't mean anything to you, thank you for telling me," she whispered and passed him, exiting the Holding Bay, walking quickly, almost lightly, to her room. Andros sighed heavily, there was nothing that hurt him more than her politeness, he just wanted to hold her, but it was so wrong…

"I have to be strong," he whispered to himself, as the doors of the Holding Bay closed behind him, he sat on a chair next to the table and began eating the almost forgotten the Orez.
Funny, it wasn't sweet anymore.

A/N: not much, but it's only because I'm not really sure how I want this to turn out. And a few notes-

1) I plan finishing this fic before I go to the army.
2) I hope you read chapter 12 so you remember what happened there.
3) review?