Two weeks later, she was sent home with a walking boot. Casey was stable, but he still had a few more days in the hospital to ensure the bleeding didn't restart. She stopped by Casey's room to see how he was doing after everything that had happened. In the two weeks they'd been there, they'd only seen each other a handful of times.
"Hey," she said, sitting in the chair next to him. He smiled and took her hand, groggy and a little bit out of it. "How're you feeling?"
"Tired, sore. I just really want to go home with you." She nodded, wanting the same but knowing he had to be better first. They were all processing everything that had happened. Otis was doing better, had woken up a few days later to find out he no longer had a spleen. He was just so overjoyed. Boden had been by to check up on everyone, letting them know that Mouch had feeling back except in one foot. That made them all happy, knowing that everyone was okay.
"I can't believe he's gone," she told Matt. He sighed, kissing her hand.
"Neither can I." Despite the past two weeks having been good with people getting better, with them rallying together, it still hadn't sunk in for most people that Mills was dead. It felt like he'd walk through the door with a plate of food any second, and she would hold her breath until it ended up being someone else. She could tell Matt blamed himself when Mills was brought up, but she kept reminding him that it wasn't, that it was the wrong spot in the wrong place at the wrong time.
They sat there for a while until she realized he'd fallen asleep. With that, she stood and walked out, far too ready to go home. She knew Shay was waiting at home, ready to have her back. She hailed a cab, got in, and told him where to go. Her mind still was stuck on Mills, the shift playing over in her head - before the run, the explosion, the confusion. In the two weeks she'd been in the hospital, she hadn't slept a full night, a mix of nurses and flashbacks. Not to mention the upcoming funeral in a few days, one that some from the house wouldn't be able to attend.
When the cab pulled up to her apartment, she payed him and walked inside. The walking boot put a damper on everything, damn achilles. She walked in, first noticing the smell and then noticing the lunch Shay had started.
"I didn't know what you wanted, so I made a little bit of everything," the woman said, obviously stressed out. Gabby smiled and sat at the table, Shay joining her. "And it cleared my mind."
"Thanks," Gabby told her, getting a plate and filling it with food even though she knew she wouldn't eat half of it. The pain meds were messing with her stomach big time with some severe nausea. And she'd been right, Shay had eaten most of the food while Gabby worked on her first plate.
"How's everybody doing?" Shay asked while cleaning up. "I haven't really heard much, didn't want to go back there." Gabby understood, the only reason for her to go back now was Matt.
"Otis is awake, but missing a spleen. Matt's coming home in a few days. And Mouch regained most feeling, except for one of his feet." Shay smiled and sat on the couch, head in hands. Gabby could hear her sniffling, and she knew this entire ordeal was taking a toll on everyone. She walked over, sitting next to her friend and pulling her into a tight embrace. "It's gonna be okay," she said. "We're all going to get through it." The two stayed there, Shay curling into Gabby more.
She kept playing it over in her mind. Going into the building, starting to work on the patient, Otis yelling into the radio, the explosion. She thought of Mills again, about them talking just before the call. She knew he didn't suffer, the autopsy confirming he was dead right after the explosion, not suffering. It was still hard to imagine, hard to cope with. She felt just as hopeless as when she thought she'd lost Matt the first time, not knowing where he was or if there was something after.
Death was a constant in her mind, always wondering if there really was something on the other side. A part of her wanted to believe it, wanted to know that there was a peace instead of a void of nothing. She knew the anatomy of death, knew the brain stopped and so did the organs and there's nothing left but a shell of a person. There's no more laughter, no more life, no more hopes or dreams. There's nothing. And she was never one to go to church or pray to an all powerful being in the sky, but at that moment she did. At that moment, holding Shay as she cried, Gabby prayed for the first time in a long time. She wanted a sign that Peter was safe and happy.
She and Shay had stayed like that the entire night, both eventually falling asleep. For the first time, Gabby slept peacefully. Was it the sign she'd asked for? She wasn't sure. Going back over it, it was a sign of desperation for her to pray. She still didn't really believe in a god, how could she? Almost the entire house was hurt, Mills was dead. How could a god let it happen?
"Hey, Shay," she mumbled, pushing the woman with her elbow. She heard her groan, never been a morning person. "I gotta get to the hospital." Shay sat up and mumbled, walking to her bedroom. It took Gabby a minute to stand, but when she did, she got dressed in jeans and one of Matt's CFD hoodies.
Once she'd eaten breakfast, she'd called a taxi and waited for it outside. It was warm out, the sun shining. And it made her think of Mills again, everything seemed to. It made her think of his lightheartedness, his humour. Then it sent her back, the scorching hot days in the desert where everyone was trying not to die from the heat. Then, everything else came back. She didn't realize the taxi had gotten there until the driver honked at her a couple times. With a deep breath, she got in and told him, "Chicago Med." She hoped seeing Matt would help with everything.
The taxi pulled up, and she paid the driver before getting out and walking in. It took her a minute to remember where Matt's room was, but it came back to her. She made her way upstairs and down the hall, walking in like nothing was wrong. The look on his face said it all, a smile.
"Hey," he said as she sat next to him on the bed. He moved over, making room for her. When she was situated, he wrapped his arm around her and she curled into him. "How're you?"
"I've been better," she admitted. He sighed and nodded, agreeing with her. She wasn't sure if she should tell him about the flashbacks or the fears or the feeling of complete loss. "The past few weeks have been hard with losing Mills, and I can't sleep. Last night was the first night I slept through without the nightmares, and I think part of that was because me and Shay fell asleep on the couch together." He stroked her hair as he listened, letting her ramble on without saying anything. She never understood how he could let her ramble so much, but it was something he'd always let her do.
"And I keep thinking back to just before the call where me and him were laughing, and talking, and now he's gone. Then, I think to the explosion which brings back almost losing you, and we lost Mills this time, and he could have been so much better, and I don't know how people can believe in a higher power when things like this happen." She stopped talking and took a breath.
"It's almost the same for me," Matt confessed. She'd never heard him talk about his recovery or the memories of Iraq. "I think of Mills and what I could have done differently. I think of what I could have done differently with a lot of things, here and over there. I think of those we lost under my command. What if I'd sent them out ten minutes later? What if I'd gone out with them? And because of losing Mills, I've started thinking of what if you and I had traded spots in that convoy? I know how you feel," he reminded her. "I know what it's like to doubt God. I wouldn't say I believe, but I need to believe in something. I was almost blown up, you saved my life, and the six months after that I was recovering from not being able to remember my own name. I was lucky, because most people who've had that type of injury never recover fully from it like I did. It was one in a million. But when you can't trust in a god, you have to trust in those you love." She knew he was right. To get through this, she had to turn to those she loved and they'd turn to her. The entire house would be coming together in the next few days, even from their hospital rooms.