Clare stormed angrily into the room like someone who was really pissed off and unhappy. "ELI," Clare hissed. "I had to pack my stuff into boxes and prepare for moving, something which everyone inevitably has to do around college time anyway, but for me is so traumatic you can not even effing imagine. The LAST thing I need is you stalking me! I like Fortnight, not Twilight, Eli and you standing here in the school you go to and own a uniform for makes you just as bad as Edward Cullen who hangs out in Bella's tree!"

"Clare," Eli sighed. "You wouldn't answer my calls and I was cast for you. Besides, my only friend on the show is after Fiona and that's taking up a lot of his plotlines right now. Calling you is the only thing for me to do."

Clare's eyes pierced daggers through Eli. "Except maybe still actually be affected by the unbelievably tragic loss of your ex girlfriend. GOD! If you loved me you wouldn't care that you had a dead ex girlfriend."

"Woah, calm down," Eli said. "That is so ridiculous and why are you using the Lord's name in vain?"

"Because you do not CARE about my faith and you think I'm full of shit. And the WORST THING IS, you think I'm being a dramatic obnoxious jerk!" Clare said, flailing her arms like a dramatic obnoxious jerk.

"Why are you acting like this?" Eli asked sensitively with eyes full of respect and compassion.

"Because you wouldn't have sex with me," Clare said.

Eli sighed. "So because I won't have sex with you, you're turning into a manipulative spiteful lunatic and withholding affection. Uhm...Clare...the abusive relationship checklist will clearly tell you that..."

"I don't CARE what makes a relationship abusive, Eli! My life is over!" Clare shouted. "And you think I'd be ruining your memories by taking Julia's place in your bed."

"Where do you even come up with this stuff?" Eli asked.

"THANK YOU!" I said, giving Eli a pat on the back.

"TELL ME THE INNERMOST SECRETS OF YOUR SOUL OR HAVE SEX WITH ME, THOSE ARE YOUR ONLY CHOICES!" Clare said.

Eli sighed. "You know, that actually sounds like something a psycho manipulative abusive lunatic who needs to be locked away for a very long time would say, so I have no idea who's writing your lines this week."

"I'm leaving you," Clare glowered. "And you're a horrible person who I never want to speak to again."

"Well okay then," Eli said, walking away.

"What is WRONG WITH YOU?" Clare asked. "I didn't say I wanted you to leave."

So then Drew and Adam were standing at their locker. "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah," Drew said.

"Fiona's going to give you another chance," Adam said.

"Oh sweet!" Drew said, crushing the hopes and dreams of a ton of people.

So then Drew walked away, leaving Adam crushed and before he could get a single moment of peace alone with his sad sadness, Clare stormed over.

"You look like I feel," Clare said in the most brooding voice ever.

"Wow, you know, you haven't talked to me in half a season. I didn't even know we were still friends," Adam said. "I think a lot of people were unsure about that, especially considering how lots of friendships like Emma and Liberty's and Manny and Liberty's just pop up when it's convenient to the plot only to completely disappear out of nowhere an episode later. I mean...just look at how Toby broke up with Kendra and her existence was never mentioned again."

"So Eli doesn't want to sleep with me," Clare said.

"Sounds dramatic," Adam said.

"Yes so the only reasonable thing for me to do about this is to sneak into his house and steal shit that I gave him," Clare said.

Adam stood their dumbfounded along with 85% of America and Canada. "Uhm...WHAT? Clare, have you been psychiatrically evaluated lately?"

"So I'm going to sneak into his bedroom like a creepy stalker later," Clare said. "I don't see how that makes me in need of psychiatric help."

"Yeah good point," Adam said. "You sound like you're in the peak of health."

"My childhood is disappearing bit by bit. But I'm getting this bit back," Clare said.

"Seriously, this is Degrassi Land, Clare," Adam said. "Ms. Sauve is the best counselor in the world and can fix anyone's issues no matter how extreme in one episode. Consider it."

"NO," Clare said.

"...Okay," Adam said.

"So blah blah blah blah blah blah blah for some reason I have no idea I'm an insignificant and uninteresting character who wishes he could be JT but fails miserably," Dave said.

"Steal something for us so that Degrassi can teach children a lesson about how stealing is wrong," his new random cluster of friends said.

"AWESOME!" Dave said. "I totally have NO idea that I'm being set up for a lesson plotline."

And then Adam and Fiona looked at each other wistfully across the room, something that makes me happy. But then Fiona walked over to Drew and I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK FIONA?"

So then Clare approached Eli's house with a chain saw so she could burst his door down.

"Woah wait a second," Adam said.

"Why?" Clare asked. "I'm not doing anything illegal."

"Uhm actually," Adam sighed. "Yeah...why don't we just knock on the door?"

"H-ey!" Eli's comically disgusting father said in a comically disgusting voice while picking at his pants and smoking a cigarette.

"Can we go into Eli's room?" Clare asked.

"No, I was told that no matter what anyone says that is completely not allowed ever," Eli's dad said.

"Some extremely transparent lie," Clare said.

"Well that sounds fine then," his dad said. "You kids have fun."

So Clare tried a bunch of ridiculous stuff to try to get into Eli's room. "Let's just stop trying to break into people's rooms," Adam said.

"I can't believe you," Clare said. "You're a horrible friend to me!"

"Yeah but I'm a horrible friend to Eli if I break into his room," Adam reminded Clare.

"UGH you're ruining my life!" Clare said.

"FINE!" Adam said. "Try 22, 04, 09. Because Lord knows it isn't insensitive to use my knowledge of his tragic memories against him like this."

"Exactly," Clare said, opening the door.

And then they walked in and an avalanche of junk poured onto their heads. "Told you we shouldn't have come here," Adam said.

"Lame," Clare said. "And now that I snuck into his room for no reason he's going to hate me and think I'm psycho and manipulative and loony."

"Well Clare you kind of have been ever since last episode," Adam said.

So then Dave was trying to break into a car. "Dave," Wesley said. "I'm here to be the voice of reason and tell you that you're worth more than a group of lame loserish asshole friends who you have to prove yourself to and you don't need to hurt yourself."

"You're LAME!" Dave said.

"You don't know who your true friends are," Wesley whined. "I hate you!"

So then Dave stole a taser because LORD knows that isn't a stupid idea at ALL.

"Insensitive comment that totally doesn't acknowledge your deep emotional pain," Drew said to Adam.

"Shut up," Adam said.

"What do I have to do to get into her pants?" Drew asked.

"SHUT UP," Adam said.

"You know if I didn't know any better I might think you resent the fact that I always get with girls you like," Drew said.

"Well maybe I'd be a better pick for her considering she's halfway intelligent."

"Be SERIOUS Adam, you and she are from two different worlds!" Drew screamed. "I mean, she's too hot and interesting to want the most unique and progressive new character Degrassi has ever created."

"That is complete bullshit," Adam said.

"Well physically YOU'RE NOT A GUY so why would Fiona want you?" Drew bellowed. "Fiona only likes NORMAL relationships okay?"

There was a dead pause where I laughed for a few minutes.

"I'm just trying to HELP by being a complete dick!" Drew shouted.

So then Clare showed up at Eli's locker. "I rearranged everything in your locker without your permission, isn't that sweet?"

So Eli started hyperventilating and freaking out. "This is the NERVOUS BREAKDOWN everyone has been WAITING since the Boiling Point PREVIEWS FOR CLARE!" he screamed.

"You're acting irrational," Clare said.

"Someone's getting hurt!" Eli screamed, rummaging through the dumpster.

"Eli you're being irrational," Clare said.

"AND YOU BROKE INTO MY HOUSE LIKE A NUTCASE, GO AWAY!" Eli shouted.

And he had a point.

So then the scene opened to a delightful melody as Adam walked out the door to indicate that you're supposed to like Fadam more than EClare right now. "So Prince Adam," Fiona said. "Where were you this afternoon?"

"SOMETHING MELODRAMATIC THAT'LL MAKE YOU THINK I'M A JERK!" Adam yelled.

"Oh em gee I am so done with you," Fiona said.

So then Dave handed his friends a tazer. "A TAZER? AWESOME. This isn't dangerous and stupid at all! We're so excited!" they said.

"Tazers are dangerous," Dave said.

"Why don' you sadistically torture your best friend?" one of them suggested as Wesley walked over.

"Well...I don't know if that's such a good..." Dave hesitated.

"DO IT!" they said.

"Well when you back the idea with that much logic I just can't help it," Dave said.

So then he tazed his friend, who naturally fell to the ground. Dave made an OH WHAT HAVE I DONNNNNNNNE face as though he somehow didn't realize that fucking TAZING someone would hurt like a mother-okay I'm done.

"Yo, you okay?" Dave asked.

"You just TAZED me you idiot!" Wesley said. "What in the name of fuck would make you think I'm okay? I SO deserve that bikini date with Anya they keep showing in the trailers right now it is NOT even fucking funny!"

So then Clare picked up a box and her parents were like, "oh just kidding we're keeping the house to be nice to you."

"Well good plan," Clare said. "I mean considering the effort they put into building this set."

"So I hope you can stop being a lunatic to your boyfriend," her mother said.

"Me too," Clare said.

"Us too," the ninjas said.

So then Drew showed up at the Dot. "So is Atlantanenea here today?"

"She goes by Xanath," Fiona reminded him.

"Right, but still," Drew said.

"Go ahead," Fiona said.

"So my brother's awesome," Drew said. "Have you really not figured out what's different about him yet?"

"No," Fiona said. "I'm specifically blind to that fact because it'll help make the plot more dramatic that way."

"Oh okay, cool," Drew said.

So then Eli's mother with a hideous mullet got into the car with him. "I was going to make some grilled tempeh for dinner," she said. "I was thinking you could call Clare and invite her over."

"Grilled tempeh?" Eli asked. "Seriously. Of all the vegan meals you could make, grilled tempeh is rather an insult to the concept. Soy curls can be great in the right sauce, okay, and lentil meatballs are delicious but tempeh just kind of tastes like a foot."

"Well still," Eli's mother said. "Clare might like it."

Eli sighed. "I can't exactly invite her over you know."

"So what happened?" Mrs. Goldsworthy asked.

"We just aren't going to work out. We're from two different worlds. We're just not meant to be. She's from Venus and I'm from Mars. I don't want to ruin the friendship. Vague meaningless bull crap," Eli said.

"That sounds like vague meaningless bull crap," Mrs. Goldsworthy said. "You have a hoarding problem."

"Yes I know," Eli said.

"But given how incredibly simple psychological issues are, all you have to do is realize that you'll always have Julia in your heart and then you'll be able to organize all your stuff and have no further problems," Mrs. Goldsworthy said.

"Sweet," Eli said.

And then it stopped raining and birds started singing. Are you EFFING KIDDING ME?

So then Dave was like. "Come on, Wes. Be reasonable. It's not like I tortured you or something."

"Uh yeah it kind of is you dumb piece of shit," Wesley said. And then he took the tazer and tazed Dave who started laughing...? Okay well that's supposed to be heartwarming I think but...whatever...I'm just going to go bang my head into a table now and hope that makes this episode make more sense.

And then they started having a gay tickle fight on the ground...or something...*bangs head into wall.*

And then Eli showed up at Clare's house with a brooding look on his face. "Hey, what are you doing here?" Clare asked.

"I have a big confession to make. I hoard things," he said.

"Oh Eli," Clare said. "Do you realize that it is perfectly acceptable and normal to reach out for help? Do you realize that you're a special snowflake and the moment you realize that you want to change you reach out and make a beautiful first step towards the golden goal of transforming yourself and your soul?"

Eli shrugged. "No, I never knew that, Clare. Thanks for the info."

"Whatever you want, I'll do it," Clare said.

"Just don't give up on me," Eli said. "You're the sunshine in my heart of darkness. My muse in healing. My goddess. My love."

And then they hugged and it was sweet.

And then they went upstairs to clean up his room. "When it's ready, and you are, we'll totally do it," he said."

"Oh Eli, you actually CARE if I'm ready or not? That is the most ROMANTIC thing ever."

"Uh, no, it's really not," Eli said. "It's basic human decency."

"Aww," she said, cuddling into his arms even though she was the one pressuring him into sex a couple minutes ago but shhh. "You're the best."

NEXT WEEK ON AN ALL NEW DEGRASSI!

JENNA WANTS A NEW BOYFRIEND!

"Hey Sav," Jenna said sluttily. "I'm a slut."

"I like what I'm hearing," Sav said.

HOLLY J WANTS TO NOT LOSE HER BOYFRIEND.

"You are way too uninteresting and stupid of a character to derail a previously established and awesome relationship," Holly J said to Jenna. "No guy would leave a girlfriend for you."

"Except KC," Jenna said, narrowing her eyes.

AND ATLANTAENEA WANTS A BIGGER ROLE IN THIS FIC.

WILL SHE GET IT?

WILL I FIND SOME WAY TO WORK NINJA DEMONS INTO THE NEXT CHAPTER?

FIND OUT WHENEVER I HAVE A SPARE MOMENT NEXT WEEK!