Not Just A Mother Figure
CHAPTER 13
Blood pounded in his ears. The adrenaline rush that only battle could kindle burned through his veins. Scanning the room, he searched for any other worthy opponent who dared to stand against him. But still, the turbulence in his soul would not abate. Violence, ultimately, was never the solution.
He was learning the hard way that this was a disease that had no cure. His heart sank as he predicted another wretched night of sleeplessness and restlessness.
"Taichou."
The tall, dark-haired man shifted his head towards the direction of the voice. He gripped a long, formidable steel sword tightly and expertly in his hand and death was written in his eyes. His red-headed lieutenant shrank back in terror, hands held up in the air. Yet despite his obvious fear, the captain could see the stubborn, reckless fearlessness that so distinguished members of the 11th division. Abarai had embodied the said division's personality so perfectly that everyone had thought he'd never last a day in the 6th. But to everyone's surprise, he got along just fine and easily adopted its culture. But there were still moments when his history with that barbaric division would worm its way through like a strong odor that clearly marked him from the rest of his division. There was nothing distasteful about foolish bravery in itself, to be sure. But right then, anything that reminded him of that division irked him to no end.
"T-taichou, I, uh, think we've had enough practice for the d-day," Abarai stammered on boldly, unwisely meeting the murderous eyes of his captain. For a moment that stretched on to eternity, the two stared each other down, until finally, Byakuya turned away gracefully, sheathing Senbonzakura.
Before he left his division's sparring grounds, he spoke calmly, his voice resounding clearly, reaching the ears of every beat up Shinigami in the area, save for the unconscious. "You've done well, all of you."
With those words left behind, he vanished from their sight. Though their bones were broken and their bodies bruised, it filled everyone with warm hope and pride. Most of all, it rose inside of them the love and admiration they had for their captain.
Renji looked back at the last spot his captain had stood and wondered what had set him in such a bad mood. The captains' meeting that morning must not have gone as well as he planned.
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Kuchiki Byakuya glided down the halls of his manor like a dark cloud. A violent storm was surging, consuming his mind and his body, leaving him in a miserable state of agitation. He had not felt like this in over half a century. He thought he had achieved the inner peace that many search for all their lives and that any disturbance or tribulation had ceased to take effect on him. Could it be that she had been his peace? Byakuya dismissed the thought as soon as it was conceived, averse to any thoughts that involved her.
Sitting in his study was an impossibility. Not even his favorite book could calm his spirit. He considered preparing some tea but could not pause long enough to finish brewing it. He opposed calling a servant to fix it for him, afraid that he'd find some small fault in the way they might prepare it. That would only add fuel to his ire. They did not deserve to bear the brunt of his temper. But they knew well enough to avoid him when he was in such a terrible mood.
Wise servants.
He came to a brief stop by the man made spring in one of his indoor gardens. The sight and music of water tinkling in the night air usually soothed his nerves. He remained there for a few more anxious-filled moments before his feet took off again.
There was nothing, absolutely nothing that could subdue the chaos within him, he thought as he swept from room to room. The emptiness and spaces that filled his house were slowly driving him off the edge. He felt it, creeping back into his system, which he failed to extinguish during his training session with his division.
He felt a twinge of something akin to regret as he recalled how he bruised, burned, broke, blasted and butchered his division earlier that day. It was a massacre.
It's not their fault.
He had needed to remind himself that continuously each time he swung his deadly blade cruelly against the swords of those terrified Shinigami. The sheer fear on their pale faces was sure to be hammered on the growing list of images that plagued his dreams.
His feet directed him before the great shoji doors that led to the room he held most sacred. The temptation to enter it was great, but a large part of him cringed from the idea of entering her presence when he was in so much turmoil. He went in anyway and slid the doors shut behind him.
At the far end of the vast room flickered a dim light. A candle was softly burning beside her beloved portrait. His servants knew exactly what the consequences would be if they failed to keep a candle lit.
His soft footfalls came nearer ad nearer to Hisana's shrine. Raising his hand dreamily to touch his beloved's face, he sighed, grief seeping through with every breath. His fingers came close but did not touch the glass. He did not know why, but he never did. Perhaps he was afraid of the reality that that one touch would bring—that his fingers would meet cool, hard glass instead of warm, soft skin. Although she did feel very cold to the touch during the end…
Kami, but he did miss his wife terribly. She would know what to do, would have cradled his head in her lap and listened to his woes with selflessness and without judgment… like another woman he knew.
That is, before she broke his heart.
Byakuya whipped his hand away angrily, the restlessness rising again like a tidal wave. It made him furious to be thinking of her,especially here in his sacred place. Cursing his insistence on stepping into the room, he fled Hisana's shrine like a fleeting shadow. He did not dare mar her memory even further.
He roamed through the empty corridors once again, like a purposeless ghost. There was no chance of evading her in his sleep that night. That much was certain. So he sought to elude sleep entirely, if it meant not seeing her face. But even now, when he was wide awake, her eyes, her smile, and her voice threatened to bust into his head with such adamant insistence that he could not do anything to keep them from breaking in.
He resisted the urge to growl in frustration.
It was no use, he knew, dwelling on those thoughts when he had promised to let her go.
Let her go? Leave her alone?
How could she have asked that of me? he asked for the hundredth time. How shortsighted of him to agree to it in the first place! What had he been thinking then? Certainly not this! Never did he imagine that he was the cause of all her discomfort and pain. How could he have been hurting her without his knowledge? He did not think he was that oblivious and ignorant when it came to women.
A flash of guilt swept through him as he was painfully reminded again of his vow, the vow he had made to protect her and Rukia, the only two people that mattered in his life. It shook him to his very core that it was himself that he needed to protect her from. But the promise was made ad he gave his word. The only thing he could do now was wait for her to come back to him ad tell him that she wanted to see him again, all the while trying to protect her from any evil at this distance.
Distance.
Never before did he feel actual physical pain inflicted by such an ordinary thing as distance. That night he left her porch, he could not have known the gravity of the favor she had asked of him. If he had truly known, he'd never have set foot outside her quarters. He would have stayed, persuaded, demanded that she retract her request. He wasn't sure how he would do that, but, for Kami's sake, he would have made her see that what she was asking would kill him.
Byakuya furrowed his brow, irked at how overly dramatic he sounded. But it was really what it felt like!
The worse part was… The worse part was that he could not see the same inner turmoil in her. He almost believed he did see it earlier that day, outside those great doors of the 1st division. He thought he saw it shining in her eyes. But it died before it could take solid form.
Disappointed, he shot out of there, away from her presence, as fast as he was capable of, as if his life had depended on it.
No, not life. Only his dignity.
First, he finds her in the company of Kyōraku and Ukiitake. Then Kenpachi reveals, in the crudest manner, that he was donating extra funds to her division. And after all that, she thanks him as if he were a mere stranger! Had she already forgotten all the years they've been through together? Or had she been pretending all along that she loved him? That she cared for him?
She was one of the only people who had ever understood him. But if she had truly known him, then she should have known as well that she was killing him with her indifference. And they said he was the cold one. The Unohana he knew would never be so unfeeling. Was this then the Retsu she had buried beneath her? If it was, then Retsu was driving him insane.
The hallway branched into two, and he stilled in uneasy contemplation. His jumbled thoughts were so loud in his mind that he felt they would break the silence. Should he take the path on the right or the one on the left? Should he still trudge on and protect Retsu or should he leave her in peace if that is what she desires?
No, this wasn't what she wanted. She said so herself. It was what she needed. That was what made him agree, he remembered now.
He took the right turn. The passage led him to a porch facing a garden, dark and gloomy with shadows cast by the meager moonlight. Though the air was cold and sharp, he did not mind. Harsh environmental conditions did not trouble him for he was a master of self-discipline.
There was something nostalgic about that place. Like a scent back in one's childhood or soft dust on sun rays. Slowly, the nights of him and Unohana enjoying tea came back to him. Yes, that was it.
Instead of cringing from the sudden memory, he merely felt a dull ache as he recalled the many conversations they had on this very porch. And when they weren't talking, they had sat here together, in silence and contentment, enjoying each other's company. Somehow, this recollection gave him sadness, not anger. This made him think that maybe it wasn't her that he was upset with. Maybe it was something else.
He sat down, for once, not feeling the dissatisfaction of staying in one place. Even when her phantom floated in his vision, settling on the spot she had last taken, he remained.
It was true then, her presence brought him peace, even if it was only from an apparition of her. But he was not going to argue or complain as he was too tied and weary now that the restlessness had finally left him. He waited until the sky grew less dark and watched the first rays of sunlight touch the garden and burst into colors.
A servant later found him there alone, sleeping with a serene expression, and rushed to get him a blanket.
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Kuchiki Byakuya frowned at the elderly servant before him. He had called the day off for his division, seeing as everyone was still a little bit sore from yesterday's training. It was not a spur of the moment kind of thing. Kuchiki Byakuya was not impulsive. All his decisions were made carefully and with much deliberation. When he did act impulsively, the very act of doing so would be pondered over laboriously before he did such a thing. But the free day was necessary. Besides, the soutaichou would never accuse him or his division of being lackadaisical.
Now, here was a manservant before him, informing him that a captain with long, snow white hair had arrived on his estate and was asking for him. He wondered if it was a coincidence or if the sickly captain had heard of his not-so-minor bout of madness in his division's training grounds. He did not think Ukitake was foolish enough to meddle in his affairs. He will not have a pleasant reception here, especially with what occurred yesterday. The morning sun seemed to darken as he bore in mind that Ukitake had appeared much too close to Unohana for his liking when he arrived at the 1st division yesterday. It was another proof showing that he was the only one Unohana was treating differently. He questioned himself whether he should be pleased that she was treating him as special or be resentful that others were allowed to enjoy being near her.
He almost ran a hand through his hair in exasperation but didn't. It would mess up his kenseikan. Byakuya proceeded to analyze the possible consequences that might arise should he decide to turn the 13th Division's captain away. He wasn't in the mood for any kind of interrogation from the lesser noble. But this was Rukia's captain; He might be bringing back news of his sister who was currently guarding the human world. He mentally cursed. Yes, there was really no way to go about it. He must see the captain.
He finally put down the book he had been reading and motioned to his servant to let Ukitake in. The servant bowed low and left soundlessly. Not even his footsteps could be heard. Visitors always found it unnerving that the helpers of the Kuchiki's were always silently appearing and disappearing. But he grew up with it and their noiseless appearances no longer startled him.
Soon, a pair of graceful footsteps could be heard, sounding shy and unobtrusive. It took a lot for Byakuya not to find it obsequious. But he had to stop finding more reasons to hate the man. He must treat him with subtlety and discretion. That was the benefit of being born in a world of nobility and politics: feigning impassivity was inbred into his character.
"Oh, good morning, Byakuya-san!"
There. Another excuse to dislike him: he wouldn't stop calling him by his first name. Although Ukitake was several centuries older than him, it still gave him discomfort.
Gliding his cold eyes over to Ukitake's white figure, he sized him up discreetly. Was this Retsu's type? Maybe she found it endearing that Ukitake was perpetually ill. But no, he seriously doubted that. Maybe it was that they were closer in age. Well, it was no longer his fault for being doomed to be born a millennium after her.
He only just noticed that Ukitake was still talking cheerfully. "I just met Abarai-fukutaichou on the street. He told me you had declared the day off for your division, so I figured you'd be here. I had been wanting to ask you about something for a long time now."
Byakuya wordlessly raised an elegant eyebrow. Ukitake stopped speaking, still expecting Byakuya to reply. When it became apparent that Byakuya wasn't planning to, he still waited, a charming smile on his face, not at all bothered by the lack of response from the dark-haired noble. Byakuya eyed his green-eyed rival, giving in first, desiring to end this conversation quickly.
"Which is?"
"Well, it has been a long time since we met for our Calligraphy Club, yes? I was just curious why, since the soutaichou promoted the continuance of extracurricular activities so avidly."
"I had not found the time."
"Oh? Then that's too bad then... You may find me too sentimental, but I've enjoyed our sessions a great deal and hope that we could get back again. Unohana-senpai misses them very much as well."
Byakuya felt his brow twitch lightly at the sound of her name being spoken by him.But he did not rise to his obvious bait.
Ukitake continued. "We have been talking lately, and we think that we should continue our sessions. If you do not have time, maybe you could kindly just lend us your Club Room? I'm getting worried because we may be out of practice already." He gave another one of his easy laughs.
Byakuya fumed inside. Let them borrow the Club Room so they could be alone doing "calligraphy"? Not on his life. Granted, Abarai-fukutaichou would most likely be attending, but he wasn't taking any chances.
There was also no way he could refuse Ukitake's request and Ukitake knew it. The room was built solely for the Calligraphy Club. It was just one of the dozens of rooms on his estate. It was either he grant them his permission or risk revealing a deeper motive why he had discontinued the Calligraphy Club sessions.
He knew Ukitake was more insidious than he appeared.
Ukitake was met with another round of silence as Byakuya assessed his situation. He used to like Ukitake, well, as much as he could like anybody. Perhaps it was more appropriate to say that Ukitake did not annoy him as much as the others did. He wasn't weird like Kurotsuchi or bloodthirsty like Zaraki. In fact, he was one of the most dignified people in the Gotei 13. But why couldn't he stop finding fault after fault from him now?
Was he... jealous?
It was an inconceivable thought. He was never envious; there was never a need. All his life, Byakuya had never looked at another person and wished he had been born somebody else. To be jealous was to be petty. It was a complete waste of emotions. No, he concluded, he could not be jealous. There was nothing desirable that he could think of that Ukitake had that he himself didn't. Unless you count his openness and unabashed kindness. Indeed, the only possible candidate was that Unohana was now spending more time with him.
The healer and the patient. The idea of it made him ill.
Okay, so maybe he was a little jealous.
Unohana did say to leave her alone. But would that also include meeting up for the Calligraphy Club?
This was an absolute deadlock.
But Ukitake did say that she wanted to continue their sessions as well. And he was, as Yamamoto had put it so severely, a captain first and foremost. He deemed that it was about time he started acting like one and obey Yamamoto's wishes, personal obligations aside.
"Very well. I will schedule our next meeting."
Ukitake grinned freely, his eyes shining. "Brilliant! Thank you, Byakuya-san!"
Byakuya simply nodded and returned to his book. A couple of minutes passed when he finally looked up again.
"You're still here."
Ukitake smiled sheepishly. "Well... There is actually something else I wanted to, uh, discuss with you. To clear some things up."
Byakuya marked his book and put it down again. Ukitake was once again waiting for him to respond. He nodded to indicate he was listening, barely able to keep his impatience in check, but he still did not speak.
Thankfully, Ukitake was prudent enough to let it go. "Okay, well, it's about what I saw the other day, with you and Unohana-senpai..."
Byakuya nodded once and congratulated himself for remaining calm. He felt an odd sense of relief now that they were going to tackle the dangerous subject directly.
"I noted that you're no longer..." Ukitake trailed off, not finding the words.
"We are not on speaking terms as of the moment, yes."
Ukitake blinked, startled by Byakuya's quick admission. "Y-yes, exactly. I won't ask why because that's none of my business..."
Then what could he possibly gain by bringing this up? Byakuya thought, suddenly suspicious. Could it be that he was... going to ask him for his blessing to... date Unohana? Byakuya cut off the thought the way he would slice off his nerves if it was necessary in battle. Ukitake did not nor would he ever feel the need to have his permission for that. The very notion was laughable really. Who would have thought that after all this, he'd develop a sense of humor?
"But because Unohana-senpai is close to me, as I know she is also dear to you..."
The 6th Division captain frowned, not liking the way the other captain was speaking in circles. "And?"
"Look. Whatever happened between you two that had brought you apart was not a trifling matter, I'm sure. But I can tell that it's affecting the both of you negatively, and I'm afraid it might cause some unnecessary... complications when the day of the final battle arrives."
"This is not your concern," he said, his voice frosty with disdain.
"She is my friend and she is our colleague," Ukitake said swiftly with a surprising lack of meekness. His seniority on both age and experience which he had kept low-key before was now strikingly evident. "Whatever happens to her will be the concern of all Soul Society and even the human world. You know very well she is invaluable to us in this war, though admittedly she is precious even without it."
Well said, Ukitake-taichou.
"My point is that you will not be doing anyone a favor, and much less yourself, if the both of you go to battle and your minds are not in it. I'm not saying that I doubt your skills. But anything could happen in a moment of weakness. No one can be perfectly prepared against the unknown. Listen for a moment because there is a reason behind all this. I'm sure you've heard that Yamamoto has commissioned Kisuke to create a Garganta?"
Byakuya nodded, still unsure of where the other captain was heading.
"And everyone knows about how one of Kurosaki Ichigo's friends disappeared one day, igniting all sorts of rumors that she had betrayed them and such."
Yes, the orange-haired girl who had a serious, transparent infatuation on Kurosaki Ichigo. Byakuya remembered her.
"On that final day of battle, the Gotei 13 captains will be split into two groups: those who await Aizen in the fake Karakura Town Yamamoto has assigned Kisuke to create, and those who will be heading over to Hueco Mundo to save the girl."
Byakuya's eyes slightly widened in surprise. He did not question how Ukitake got this information since he had been in the Gotei 13 far longer than Byakuya had. Ukitake knew what questions to ask and who to ask them to. It was also common knowledge the General had a soft spot for Ukitake and Kyōraku. But there was something that didn't make sense to him, and he couldn't resist asking.
"Why will we be interfering with this? The girl is not our primary concern. I would understand why the Gotei will want to save her; She does have a unique healing ability. But she is still just one girl. Why will the soutaichou send captains for this task?"
As Byakuya asked these questions thoughtfully, Ukitake stared at him; his eyes were prompting him, as if he was trying to make him understand. And in an instant, comprehension dawned in his gray eyes.
"Kurosaki Ichigo and his friends will be coming after her."
Ukitake beamed. "Exactly."
Byakuya imperceptibly leaned back, digesting this realization. "Aizen will predict this rescue mission."
"Yes, accurately so. The General expects Aizen will leave some of his strongest Arrancar behind in Hueco Mundo and take the rest of them with him to Karakura Town."
That does complicate things. But when was war ever that simple?
"Rukia will be joining Kurosaki."
"Yes, that can't be helped. I will make sure she is accompanied by my lieutenant."
"And what about you, Kuchiki-taichou?"
Byakuya noticed the change in the way he called him. "I will go to Hueco Mundo."
Ukitake nodded grimly. "I thought as much. I myself will be assigned to Karakura Town. That is where Shunsui will head to. There has been talk that the exiled members of the Gotei 13 would be making an appearance. He will not miss that chance to see his former lieutenant."
That was not a surprise. The Vizards had unfinished business with Aizen and his lackeys.
"Oh, and Byakuya-san," another shift in name. "There is also one other person whose whereabouts I'm sure you'd be mighty interested to know, if you care about her as much as I think you do. As of the moment, the soutaichou is against sending her to Hueco Mundo to take care of the wounded. He knows that when he does send her there, there is no telling when she might be able to return. In fact, the soutaichou is also against sending her to Karakura Town, fearing that Aizen will attack her this time as he hadn't in the past."
Ukitake sighed, but continued.
"Unohana-senpai will not accept that kindly. She is more than capable of fighting. But her heart is not in it. Even the General is aware of that, and so he wants to shield her from the heart of battle and save her for the healing part. For now, her assignment is still under serious discussion. But right now, we are still not certain whether the human girl is on Aizen's side or not. Kurosaki must make it to Karakura Town unharmed enough to defeat Aizen, and Unohana-senpai is the perfect woman for that job if the human girl has really changed alliances. Am I correct in assuming that you'd also want her to accompany you to Hueco Mundo?"
There was a long pause before Byakuya replied, although he still did not answer Ukitake's question.
"You believe this boy is the one who will defeat Aizen then?"
"I do not know what to believe. But I know how to hope. He is the only one of us strong enough who has not seen Aizen's shikai. And right now, he is our best chance of winning."
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When Ukitake had left, Byakuya remained unmoving, still considering the hidden request that revealed the true purpose of Ukitake's visit.
Unohana Retsu will be fighting in this war. It was a truth he had always known in the back of his mind but only now did he come to accept it.
A shiver tried to slither its way down his spine, but he managed to control himself before it took hold of him. Retsu had sworn herself to the Gotei to atone for the sins of her past. That was why she had wanted to control her powers: to protect others from herself.
"…I would be strong, strong enough not to hurt another soul." That was what she was promised.
If, after a thousand years had passed, she still had not stopped blaming herself for the deaths of her sister, lover, and suitor, what more the deaths of the human-like Hollow abominations Aizen had created for his army? He knew that for Retsu, a life was a life. If she could go through this war without having to make a single act of bloodshed, she would. She was not like him who would only see those Arrancar as what they ultimately were, just Hollows who had consumed a million other souls for their survival. Yet, now that he was thinking about it more closely, he wasn't sure if this was technically true.
But no, she was never going to forgive herself for the rest of her existence if she had killed one more being. Whether it was a human, a spirit, or a hollow, it made no difference. It might even send her spiraling down another trench of depression.
She had been suicidal before, Byakuya noted with increasing alarm. What would stop her from awakening those tendencies now? By Kami, he was not going to risk finding out the answer. If she took her own life…
A hard lump formed in his throat. A sinister spell drifted over him, darkness flooding his vision.
If she took her own life…
He felt faint. A familiar emotion wrestled its way up from one of the vicious memories he had buried deep within his heart.
It was from the day he learned that there was no cure for Hisana. He had intended never to feel this way again: the revolting feeling of impotency. But fate always did have a cruel penchant for playing with his emotions.
He must find a way to save her from any unnecessary battle. He felt that this was what he must do, if he was going to protect her at all.
Byakuya stood up, determined and empowered from the revelation of his new mission and the disaster he must avert. He must talk to the General and make him understand. Couldn't he see that Unohana, as Ukitake had mentioned, was perfect for the rescue mission?
End of Chapter
A/N Thank you for all the sweet reviews! It keeps me motivated! It's that little push I need to update as quickly as I can. To roysi94: Yay! I'm glad you think so. To Spitfire: awww, thank you! is there any chance i can get a slice of that cake? To Akai-Miko: I'm glad you think I've improved! I do want to become a better writer so any form of constructive criticism, I will eagerly accept. To Lol warrior: Really? Aw, thanks! And I am glad I could help.