Jack lay down with Riley and let her finish waking up. She crawled onto him, sprawled over his chest, one hand full of security blanket the other full of his shirt, her head resting just above his heart, his hand gently rubbing circles over her back, reassuring her, making her feel safe. This was their routine. She hadn't stopped wanting her mother, but she had stopped asking for her, deciding that this daddy person was okay. He wished she was a little older, old enough for him to explain to her that he loves her and will keep her safe and that it's okay to wake up alone because he's not going to leave her. The contempt he felt for Sarah every time he had to hold his scared little girl and listen to her whimper and work to clam herself down was an emotion he'd never felt toward her. He supposed he should've hated her for cheating on him, but he didn't. He believed his neglect had driven her into the arms of another man or maybe that was just how his male ego chose to deal with it. This, what she'd done to their daughter, was inexcusable and he hoped for Sarah's sake that she never came knocking on his door wanting to see her again.
As he lay patiently waiting for Riley to be ready to move away from him his thoughts returned to the conversation he'd just had with Kasey. He understood her decision to not raise the baby and he admired how well she was handling the situation. Her decision wasn't based on how the child was conceived, it was based on what she felt was best for the child. She was single, very young and felt like she couldn't offer the child a stable, loving home, but what was his excuse? Did it really matter that he was basically telling the entire world to fuck off when the baby was conceived? Was it going to be born angry and pissed off at the world because that was how he felt when he created it? He was too educated, too much of a scientist to truly believe something like that. Wasn't he?
"You're such a head case sometimes Jack." He mumbled to himself.
Riley heard him mumble and looked up at him.
"Hey kiddo, are you ready to get up?" He asked softly.
"Juice." She said in a somewhat whiney tone.
"Juice please." He corrected her.
"Peas daddy." She replied.
"Can I have a kiss and a hug first?" He asked.
She crawled up his chest, kissed him and hugged him. He hugged her back, probably too tight, needing to embrace the one thing in his life that he hadn't managed to screw up……yet.
"Come on, let's go get some juice." He told her as he lifted them both off the bed and carried her into the kitchen.
He filled the remainder of his day playing with Riley, bathing her and getting her dressed to go to the party at the hotel. They stopped at Nicole's condo so one of the women could fix her hair for him, promising he would let them teach him how to do it himself as soon as one of them had five or six hours to spare.
He arrived at the banquet room a few minutes early, greeted by Hurley who Riley seemed to take an instant liking to. He sat at a table with Claire, Aaron, Hurley, Sayid and Sawyer. Sawyer spent very little time sitting, uncomfortable with the family like atmosphere Jack assumed. It didn't take long for Riley to relax among Jack's island friends and soon after they had arrived she was being passed around and told how cute she was and how much she looked like her daddy, the latter always making Jack smile. They of course had to try to feed her samples of everything, food always seeming to be the way adults found a comfort level with children. Claire sat beside Jack, both watching their children being passed around the room, amused and happy to get a break from holding them. Jack was on his sixth or seventh drink, Claire wasn't sure, but she was becoming concerned about him.
"Is everything okay Jack?" Claire asked.
"Yeah." Jack replied.
"How is Kate? Have you heard anything?" Claire asked.
"She's hanging in there. I don't want to say anything until I know for sure what's going to happen." Jack answered, downed his drink and began flagging down the waitress so he could order another one.
"Don't you think you've had enough Jack?" Claire asked.
"Probably, but tonight I've discovered that the more I drink, the less I notice that she's not here." Jack answered honestly, sadly, his eyes watery and emotional.
Realizing he was being a definite mood killer he glanced back toward the open balcony where Sawyer was outside smoking and then back at Claire and changed the subject.
"So, how are things going with you and Sawyer? It feels really strange to be asking you that." He laughed.
"I'm not sure Jack. He's very kind, very protective without smothering me, but I get the sense that it's a brotherly thing." Claire explained.
"Do you want it to be more than that? I mean, he is kind of cute in a brash, redneck, gets on your last nerve kind of way." Jack joked.
"Would you think that was crazy?" Claire asked.
"Six months ago I probably would've, but I've seen glimpses of what Kate managed to see before the rest of us did. There's a decent guy under the bravado, he just probably needs a reason to let the decent guy out more often. Do you want be the reason?" Jack asked.
"You know Hurley has been so generous, giving us a place to stay until both of us figure out what we want to do, trying to convince Sawyer to use his um… unique abilities for good, for business ventures and such." Claire quickly changed the subject.
"You didn't answer my question Claire. You really like him don't you?" Jack asked the alcohol making him pry for information he normally wouldn't.
"It doesn't matter Jack because I don't think he likes me in that way, but a girl can never have too many brotherly types." Claire told him.
"I guess, but you already got me and Hurley and Locke, Sayid and so on, how many brotherly types can a girl stand before she wants out of the family." Jack commented chuckling lightly at what an odd family portrait that would be.
"You're drunk Jack." Claire said.
"Yes, I am. So, where's Charlie?" Jack asked.
"After the last incident, he left, said he was going to Seattle. I feel bad. Maybe I should've just pretended to like him the way he wanted me to. He was good to Aaron and to me. I mean, would it have been so terrible?" Claire said obviously still torn over the situation.
"Having been on the receiving end of the pretending, having a woman go through the motions because she can't be honest, it sucks Claire, you did the right thing, trust me." Jack offered confessing a part of his past to her.
"I'm sorry Jack." Claire said.
"What are you sorry for?" Jack asked.
"That you've been hurt and betrayed. You don't seem like the type of man that hurts or betrays people, so it doesn't seem fair." Claire said.
"I've hurt my fair share of people Claire and I betrayed someone very important to me. I appreciate that you've got this noble image of me, but I'm really not worthy of it. Can I get you something from the bar?" He asked as he stood up.
Claire shook her head no and watched Jack walk to the bar. He wasn't staggering drunk, but he was definitely over the legal limit and steadily climbing. She'd seen the hurt and the pain in his eyes when he mentioned Kate and couldn't imagine how difficult it had been for him. She'd seen a happier, less stressed Jack the last few weeks on the island, but that Jack was gone and the hurt, angry, stressed out version they'd all come to know was back. It made Claire sad to see that he was back to that state of mind again.
Jack strolled out to the balcony with Sawyer.
"So is the view that great or do you just hate the company inside?" Jack asked.
"Both." Sawyer grumbled.
"Give me one of those cigarettes." Jack said holding his hand out.
"What? You're smoking now?" Sawyer asked looking him over.
"I smoke sometimes when I drink and I love a good cigar once in awhile." Jack answered.
"Ain't that sort of behavior against some medical law?" Sawyer objected.
"Would you just give me a goddamn cigarette Sawyer." Jack snapped at him.
"Hell doc, no need to have a tantrum. What's got a burr up your ass tonight?" Sawyer asked and handed him a cigarette.
"What doesn't?" Jack answered with a short, sick laugh.
"Things not goin well with Kate?" Sawyer asked genuinely concerned.
"I can't really say, but it could be a lot worse. She should be here, tonight, for this. It doesn't feel right." Jack said solemnly.
"That it don't." Sawyer agreed.
"So I hear you're going to do some kind of business deals for Hurley. Gonna build some hotels and spas on our favorite island paradise?" Jack joked.
"Yeah, I can see the brochure now…'If you survive, your money back, guaranteed'." Sawyer responded sarcastically making Jack laugh.
"She likes you, you know." Jack said.
"Who?" Sawyer asked in an aggravated tone.
"Claire." Jack answered.
"Yeah, well I could give her a list of women that would tell her why she shouldn't." Sawyer growled.
"Give it a rest Sawyer, it's so tiring. You've got a chance to have something good, something decent. Don't fuck it up so you can keep on punishing yourself for whatever it is you've done." Jack protested.
"What would you know about it?" Sawyer hissed.
"Plenty." Jack shot back.
"I'm bad doc, you're just going to have to trust me on this one." Sawyer argued.
"I believe you've done some bad things, things people don't need to know about, but you're not bad here." Jack said sticking his finger into Sawyer's chest, pointing at his heart.
"What makes you so sure?" Sawyer asked.
"Because people who are just naturally bad don't have to work as hard at it as you do and they certainly don't walk around looking tormented over their behavior the way you do. Goddamn Sawyer, would it kill you to just be happy, make her happy, maybe end up making a nice home for Aaron." Jack insisted, the liquor in him working like a truth serum.
"You're plastered doc and why the hell don't you take your own advice. You've been moping around all night long." Sawyer told him.
"I'm not moping, I've got a lot of shit on my mind, but after a few more of these I should be at the very least, comfortably numb and unable to think." Jack replied holding his empty drink glass up.
"Yeah and what about that baby in there, she supposed to drive herself home, tuck herself into bed?" Sawyer asked the question hitting Jack like a punch in the stomach.
Jack looked into the banquet room. Riley was sitting in Hurley's lap, playing peek-a-boo or patty cake, he wasn't sure since he'd never actually played either. His beautiful little baby girl that he wants to trust him, sitting in there unaware that her father is close to being falling down drunk and not capable of taking care of her. Why should she trust him, he was about to be another adult that let her down, too selfish to realize he can't go to parties with his two year old and drink, too wrapped up in all the personal messes he'd created to remember the huge responsibility he had waiting for him a couple of hundred feet away. He slid down to the ground, his back leaning against the balcony railing, his legs stretched out, staring solemnly into the banquet room. Sawyer squatted down beside him.
"Hey, you okay?" Sawyer asked shaking his shoulder lightly causing Jack to turn his head in that direction and look at him.
"No, I'm at the end of my rope I think." Jack answered quietly, ashamed, full of quit.
"Hell, you ain't planning nothing stupid like hangin yourself with it are you?" Sawyer asked making Jack chuckle lightly and drop his head back, looking up at the night sky.
"I'll make a deal with you Sawyer, you don't fuck things up with Claire and I won't hang myself." Jack suggested still star gazing.
"I don't make deals with drunks, but I'll think about it. That work for ya doc?" Sawyer asked.
"It works. Do me a favor?" Jack asked.
"Depends on what it is." Sawyer answered.
"I need to sober up. Could you get me some coffee, lots of coffee?" Jack asked.
"I think you're beyond the coffee stage doc, you're in the 'need to sleep it off' stage." Sawyer told him.
"I can't, my kid." Jack argued his words starting to slur, the full affects of the liquor finally hitting him and having its way with him.
"She'll be okay." Sawyer said.
"It happened." Jack sighed.
"What happened?" Sawyer asked waving Sayid out onto the balcony.
"I've become my father." Jack said his words full of sadness and regret the rest of his body close to passing out.
"A man can't have a need to forget his problems once in awhile?" Sawyer asked.
"Not when he's got responsibilities." Jack answered.
"So what, you been getting drunk every day since we got back?" Sawyer asked.
"No, but I wanted to." Jack answered.
"Why didn't you?" Sawyer asked.
"Because I couldn't, I had to take care of things, take care of Kate, take care of Riley." Jack explained his voice nearing a whisper.
"Think any of that would've stopped your daddy?" Sawyer responded not expecting an answer as Jack was on the verge of passing out. Sayid walked out onto the balcony and looked at the two men strangely.
"What's going on?" Sayid asked.
"Doc can't hold his liquor. Help me get him up." Sawyer answered.
"What are we going to do with him?" Sayid asked.
"We'll take him up to my room, let him sleep it off." Sawyer told him.
"What about his daughter? What would make Jack do something this irresponsible?" Sayid asked as he draped one of Jack's arms over his shoulder.
"Hell if anyone deserved to get shit-faced once we got rescued it'd be this guy, at least he waited until he knew his kid would be safe." Sawyer reasoned as he draped Jack's other arm over his shoulder.
The two men pulled Jack up and steadied him.
"You have a unique way of looking at things Sawyer." Sayid mused.
"I'm a unique guy. Let's get him upstairs." Sawyer ordered.
The two men walked and finally dragged Jack upstairs to Sawyer's room. He was passed out and dead weight by the time they dropped him on the bed. They took his shoes off, threw a blanket over him and watched for a moment, wondering if it was safe to leave him alone.
"Let him sleep for a couple of hours and we'll see if we can rouse him. The others don't need to know about this." Sawyer suggested surprising Sayid.
"It is interesting to consider where our island journey has taken us." Sayid said.
"What?" Sawyer asked in his tone surly.
"Six months ago you would've taken full advantage of Jack's current situation and used it against him. Today you wish to protect him." Sayid said.
"Yeah, well six months ago you tortured me and then tried to kill me. Guess the island journey took you some place too." Sawyer said aggravated with the conversation.
"I guess it did." Sayid responded and smiled.
They left Jack to sleep off the liquor and rejoined the party. It was only 9 PM. Jack had managed to consume seven or eight drinks in less than two hours, definitely a man on a mission to obliterate himself if only for one night. By midnight the party was breaking up. They had managed to keep Riley entertained and not noticing that her daddy had disappeared, but by 11 PM she was getting tired and began asking for her daddy, being held in check by promises that they'd go and get him. By midnight she wanted her daddy and wasn't going to be denied, ready to throw a full blown tantrum if one of the adults didn't produce him and produce him quick.
Hurley and Claire had been distracting her, trying to buy Jack time to sleep off some of the alcohol, but the child was close to crying so they decided it was time to take her upstairs to him and just hope they could wake him up. Sawyer let them into the room. Jack hadn't moved much since Sawyer and Sayid left him. He was flat on his back, snoring, had kicked the blanket off and the smell of alcohol permeated the room.
"Dude, how many drinks did he have? It smells like a bar in here." Hurley commented and carried Riley over to the bed.
"Daddy go nite-nite." Riley said.
"Does Riley want to lay down with her daddy?" Claire coaxed the child.
Riley squirmed away from Hurley and onto the bed beside Jack. She scooted up beside him and relaxed onto her knees. She reached out and put both of her hands on his chest and pushed.
"Daddy up!" She demanded and continued to push on him, but Jack didn't stir.
"What should we do?" Claire asked.
"Beats me, do you think she'll cry if we try to pry her away?" Hurley asked.
"I'm guessing that would be a yes. Just leave her. I'll lay over there in the other bed and keep an eye on her. Surely she'll give it up and go to sleep or something." Sawyer suggested.
"Dude, what if it's the or something?" Hurley asked.
"Then I'll come and get you Mary Poppins. Good night." Sawyer told them and shooed them out of his room.
He closed the door and made himself comfortable on the other bed, glancing over at the little girl to make sure she was still there. She hadn't moved much, just kept sitting on her knees trying to wake Jack up, looking at him he supposed like little girls are supposed to look at their father, trusting and adoring, as if the man sleeping in the bed was her entire world. Just one more thing about Jack for him to be jealous about he guessed.
He thought about allowing the scene to make him angry, make him mentally suggest that Jack had everything and cared so little about it he filled himself up with booze and was neglecting it. But, he'd seen the look in Jack's eyes when he realized what he'd done tonight, the guilt, the shame and most importantly the genuine remorse and he knew that everything in the world Jack cared about was sitting right beside him trying to wake him up and the rest was sitting in a jail cell in Iowa and he understood why Jack had gotten so drunk.
Sawyer understood drinking the pain away. He didn't know the circumstances behind Jack suddenly having a two year old to take care of, but knowing what he did about Jack he figured whatever situation brought the child to him was most likely unpleasant and painful for him and he knew that the situation with Kate was probably eating him up. He continued to watch the little girl and chuckled at how persistent she was.
"You are definitely his kid." Sawyer said as he got up and walked over to the bed and shook Jack until he opened his eyes.
Jack looked at Sawyer, confused for a moment and then closed his eyes again. Sawyer shook him again and slapped his face a couple of times until he opened his eyes, looking pissed off this time.
"What the fu……….?" Jack started, stopped by Sawyer putting his finger up to his lip, shushing him and pointing at Riley.
Jack looked over and saw her sitting on her knees looking at him. He looked around the room and then back at Sawyer.
"Where am I?" Jack asked.
"You're in my hotel room and that's where you're staying, but you need to get your kid to join you in slumberville." Sawyer told him and walked back over to the other bed.
Jack looked back at Riley.
"Daddy up!" She demanded.
"Daddy's tired Riley. Come here and lay down with me." Jack coaxed patting his chest.
"Poppy." She whined.
"Your puppy is at home baby." Jack told her.
"Poppy go nite-nite." She insisted her bottom lip puckering out, giving him the ready to cry look he couldn't stand and no amount of liquor was going to change that.
"Sawyer, I'm going to catch a cab. I'll come back tomorrow and get my car." Jack said as he sat up, not sure whether to hold onto his spinning, throbbing head or his spinning, queasy stomach.
"You serious?" Sawyer asked.
"Yeah, she won't go to sleep without her puppy and her blanket." Jack groaned.
"You're serious?" Sawyer asked again.
"Yes Sawyer I'm serious. For two years she knew one parent and one home and a few days ago she wakes up from a nap and all that is gone and she's suddenly stuck with me and if that damn stuffed animal and blanket gives her enough security to keep this whole incident from completely screwing her up then it's worth the cab ride home." Jack snapped at him, holding his head, then his stomach and then running to the bathroom.
Jack came out of the bathroom, Riley was standing at the door waiting for him and Sawyer was stretched out on his bed.
"Cab's downstairs and the meter is probably running, so you better get going." Sawyer told him.
Jack picked Riley up and the two men shared a look and then a nod.
"Good night Sawyer." Jack said as he closed the door to the room.
The days that followed went a bit smoother for Jack. He managed to get Riley's bedroom put together and make it look friendly and inviting. She would start out in her own bed, but Jack usually woke up with her right beside him the next morning. He didn't mind, in fact he began to look forward to it as she no longer woke up crying, but instead would greet him with wide eyes and a commanding "Daddy Up!".
He wanted to get back to work and get Riley as well as himself into a routine. He began interviewing nannies, finding fault with all of them. After he had denied the ninth applicant for the job he was ready to give up and look into the daycare the hospital provided. His tenth applicant, Nicole's mother was the solution for now. She'd watched him reject applicant after applicant and decided she could take on the job until Jack was in a better place emotionally to deal with leaving his daughter with a complete stranger.
By the end of the week he hadn't heard from Kate's attorney and was beginning to worry. The man finally called on Monday morning, a week longer than initially expected. No murder charges would be filed in Iowa. She was already on her way to New Mexico and he had been talking with the DA there for the past week. Kate's arraignment in New Mexico would be on Thursday or Friday. She would be charged with armed robbery. He was hoping to he would able to plead her out and avoid a trial, but if the DA wouldn't make a reasonable deal, he was willing to take his chances with a jury. He was certain the judge would not deny bail, but getting permission for her to leave the state would have to be dealt with separately and on another day. He advised Jack to fly to New Mexico on Thursday ready to post the bail and ready to spend some time with Kate.
Jack hung up the phone and realized his hands were shaking, the relief he felt allowing the fear he had buried to come to the surface and the knowledge that in just a few days he was going to be able to see her, touch her, hold her and talk to her causing an adrenaline rush. He was ready to pick up the phone and make his flight arrangements when it suddenly dawned on him that he couldn't just pick up and go he had two year old sleeping in the next room. He couldn't take her with him. Kate didn't know about Riley and he certainly wasn't just going to show up with her on his hip. There was also a part of him that didn't want his time with Kate to be interrupted by a two year old and he wrestled with how selfish that was. He didn't know what to do and who could he talk to about this, his mother? The idea of that made him laugh out loud.
Later that morning, he took Riley to Nicole's mother so he could go to work. She noticed he was preoccupied and worried and finally managed to get him to sit down, have some coffee and tell her what was going on. He was afraid if he told her about Kate she might not want anything to do with him or Riley anymore, but to his surprise she didn't flinch, listening to every word and then quietly considering the options before speaking.
"First of all Jack, wanting or needing adult time away from your daughter doesn't make you selfish or a bad father. I understand you're worried about leaving her because of the trauma Sarah put her through, but reassurance from you followed by phone calls to her while you're gone will get her through it. She needs to know that when you go away, you will come back. The longer she goes without learning and understanding that you go away, but come back, the harder it will be on her when you finally do have to go away some place." She told him.
"I guess that makes sense, but I really don't know anything for sure. Child psychology isn't my specialty." He said.
"It's not my specialty either and personally I think kids today are raised with too much psychology and not enough discipline, but that's neither here nor there. I would be happy to keep her for you Jack." She offered.
"I can't ask you to do that, but thanks." Jack said.
"Why can't you? How many times have you given me free medical advice or looked at one of my sick kids for me on a weekend? Remember when Nicole was 12 and you ran to the skateboarding park with me when her friends showed up saying she was hurt?" She reminded him.
"Yeah, that was pretty bad, I was glad you didn't happen upon that by yourself. Skateboards rate right up there with trampolines as the most stupid toy you can buy your child…um…sorry." He said and she laughed at him.
"So you'll let me keep Riley for you while you go see this woman?" She asked.
"Maybe I just shouldn't go, Kate would understand I think." He continued to struggle with the issue.
"Jack, I've known you for a long time and judging by the way your eyes and face light up every time you mention this woman's name, you need to go. Riley will be fine. She and I get along great and she loves Nicole and my boys." She pushed.
"You're sure?" Jack asked.
"Yes Jack. We've been neighbors forever and I don't think anyone, including my family and closest friends, have been there for me and my kids the way you have been since Paul died. So, now it's my turn to be there for you." She said.
"Okay, but you have to promise me you will call me if she's too upset and I will come home." Jack agreed.
"I promise Jack, now go, you've got to get to work so you can arrange some time off." She said and winked at him.
Jack felt a little awkward asking for time off when he'd just been back to work for a couple of days. He had told the hospital administrator that it would be a likely scenario though and it wasn't like he had built up a patient load in such a short time, spending most of his time being the surgeon on call, easing his way back into his professional life by handling the surgeries that came through the ER. His colleagues stood by stunned and in awe as he would perform a routine surgery while describing the less than routine procedures he had performed on the island. It was the only time Jack talked about the island, as if a surgery suite was a doctor's equivalent of a confessional. They all listened attentively without asking questions, realizing that it was Jack's way of dealing with the traumas he had endured.
He lay in bed the night before he was to leave for New Mexico. Riley slept in the empty space of his bed where Sarah used to sleep. They didn't start out in Riley's bed on this night. She had fallen asleep on the living room floor watching a cartoon and he'd gone ahead and put her in his bed, knowing she would find her way in eventually and he because he needed to be near her. He watched her sleep and wondered if she would be okay or if she was going to be scared when he didn't come home the next night. He hoped for her sake his life would settle down some. She was just a little girl and needed a stable home and so far it had been anything but stable.
He had to make a decision about the baby Kasey was carrying and soon, it wasn't fair to leave her wondering. He couldn't decide if he should tell Kate about Riley and the pregnant one night stand. Riley she wouldn't find overly shocking, but Kasey was another story and he wondered how she was going to react to the news. Regardless of his decision he had to be honest and tell Kate what he'd done, but should he wait for a better time, hopefully a time when Kate isn't stressed out about possibly going to prison. He wondered if Kate knew he was coming, if she knew they were going to be spending time together and if she was looking forward to it as much as he was. Did she miss him as much as he missed her? Did she want the same things that he wanted? Once free from the threat of going to jail would she want a life with him? Was it fair for him to assume she would just want to move in with him and live happily ever after? They had never really discussed the future, their island circumstances too grim to consider anything beyond the day and once rescued they never had a chance to talk about the things they might want. He realized that he and Kate really didn't know each other. They only knew the island versions of each other. Would she find the version of him that lived in civilization boring?
He was obsessing way beyond the moment again, but he couldn't help it, he needed order and structure in his life. He needed to know if he could count on making her a part of his plans because more than order and structure, he needed her in his life. These thoughts and worries would keep his brain actively ticking along until 3 AM, or at least that was what the clock said the last time he'd looked. When the alarm went off at 5:30 AM he groaned, eyes burning from lack of sleep, brain not wanting to fully recover and become alert. He finally pulled himself out of bed and into the shower, anxious about what his time with Kate would bring.