Title: So It Goes
Author: ZombieJazz
Fandom: Chicago PD
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.
Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.
This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.
As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.
This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.
A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).
SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.
Jay stopped his passive examination of Ethan, intermingled with gazing out the window every time one of the Jurassic Park river raft came hurdling down it's hill – sending up a huge wake and invoking far louder than necessary shrieks out of the passengers.
They'd been sitting in the air-conditioned restaurant for a while. Cooling down and resting. Eth had actually almost nodded off while he was smiling around his gnawing efforts on a cob of corn. It'd been when he'd actually nodded enough that the thing had slipped out of his hand and tumbled to his plate still holding his giant smoked turkey leg that he'd startled back awake.
Eth had insisted it wanted the fucking turkey leg for lunch. But almost as soon as he'd taken a bite out of it, he'd decided he didn't like it. So he'd instead been picking off the shared BBQ chicken and rib platter that him and Erin had ordered.
If they were assholes, they likely could've told him to eat the fucking $12 turkey leg. But you didn't do shit like that with Eth when it came to food. Getting him to eat and finding something he could eat was a fucking chore. The roasted chicken and smoked ribs were just as safe for his dietary restrictions as the turkey leg supposedly was. And he actually was eating some of the chicken – that actually looked like a chicken leg. So they were letting him.
It wasn't like it really mattered. The plate of food was more than enough for two people, and with the way Eth ate, sharing it with a third wasn't a big deal. It was actually staggeringly astonishing they served it as a one-person meal. Sort of like the turkey leg – which in no way could be a natural turkey – and definitely could've likely fed a family of four and not just a single kid who was just a couple weeks off his latest dose of cytoxan.
Chemo didn't exactly do much for the appetite. But Eth was still convinced he wanted to try everything he could, or at least see every restaurant gimmick he could, on this trip. And he also was milking the fact that they seemed to be showing him a bit more leeway in his diet than anyone – but particularly his dad – gave him on the daily basis at home. Hence the corn.
But he was likely somewhat blissfully unaware of the extensive negotiations they'd had with Hank on that front. And how it'd included talking to his pediatric neurologist, his dietician and getting secondary in-house opinions from Will and Natalie to make that happen. And that those extra pills that had been added into his evening mix in the lead up to this trip. Working to prepare his guts, intestines and bowels for the diet variation and hopefully not have him end up with inflammation or candida in his gastrointestinal track. Which would undoubtedly send them into flare territory.
He'd also been upgraded to basically military-grade probiotics. Handfuls of meds on handfuls of meds with a smattering of supplements and vitamins. But it did mean he was getting some corn that trip. And they weren't going to have be militant about his consumption of potatoes – even of the fries or chip variety. Or any other nightshades, grains or starches in general. Basically, they could relax a bit. And even though they still had to be ridiculously consonant of everything Eth put into his body – hence spending a stupid amount of time up at the counter of this place looking through their allergy guide and ingredient lists before putting in their order – it will felt like a bit of a vacation. At least compared to their usual mealtimes with Eth. Not as many adjustments and restrictions.
And, because of that negotiation and preparation, though, they hadn't publicized it to Eth yet – because they were going to wait and see how him and his gut and his pain and inflammation coped with getting corn and potatoes in his system – he might even get a couple treats as the trip went on. They might be able to let him have some sugar and some yeast. He might get to have a Butterbeer over in Harry Potter World that he kept talking endlessly about. He might get an actual burger or hot dog on a bun. He might get to order a gluten-free and dairy-free dessert off a menu. But, they weren't telling him that – in case this corn introduction went to utter shit.
Would suck if that happened, though. Because the kid had literally glowed when he'd been leaning against the counter staring up at the pictogram menu board and had conceded he'd have a salad as the side with his turkey leg, only to get told by Erin that he could have the corn-on-the-cob. A smile had just spread across the kid's face as he gazed at her and straightened. He'd clearly been scared to question her on it – in case she reneged on the offer. But he'd nodded eagerly and just provided an, "OK, yea, that."
It was sort of funny how food could become like that for you. For any person, really, it seemed. When you didn't have it – or have access to all the tastes and memories and comforts and sated it created – you missed it. He'd experienced that himself while he was overseas. So he could understand on some level. There'd be a lot of talk about what you were going to eat when you got back stateside or on R&R. Big ol' Porterhouse with fucking garlic mash and all the fixings was already at the top of his list. And a fucking cold IPA. Ice cold. Condensation on the bottle. Out of the cooler. Up at the cabin. Steak done up on the campfire. Not exactly creative. But it was what he wanted. Because getting any of that in Afghanistan? Just wasn't possible. And even when they did get a decent meal in the mess, if they happened to be in camp for any amount of time on some sort of holiday or when some bigwig was marching through to rally the troops, the food just didn't compare to back home. To what you remembered. The tastes you could still taste somewhere in your memories. It couldn't. Not in a fucking army mess tent in the middle of the fucking sand.
So he could appreciate how excited Eth got when he got the chance to mix things up a bit. To have something he ranked as his favorite and hardly ever got to have anymore. And Eth – he wasn't just looking at it as a matter of finishing up tour and then he'd get home and get to protein load and carb load or go for the sugar coma and just binge to his heart's content. This was just fucking life for Eth. His dietary restrictions weren't going to change. Maybe they'd change slightly with more research into aggressive progressive pediatric M.S. But, Jay wasn't going to cross his fingers on that. The docs – even Will admitted – didn't seem to know shit about what really caused M.S. or how to treat it, even when it came to dealing with the more common relapsing-remitting adult version of the disease. So they pumped the body full of steroids when people got into an exacerbation. They treated and managed any of the other potentially life-threatening diseases and complications this fucking thing seemed to aggravate. And other than that they just tried to manage the symptoms individually with medication and lifestyle changes. Diet, rest, and physical activity. It got fucking preached at them.
So this was Eth's life. And it was a weird reality for Jay to fully frame for himself. To entirely understand. Because they were talking about a thirteen-year-old kid here who, though he wouldn't likely have the 80 years of life expectancy of most American men, would hopefully still be looking at a nice, long life ahead of him. But that life wasn't likely going to include much in the way of gluten, refined grains, diary, sugar, nightshades, yeast and a whole other arm-length of restrictions depending on what particular symptoms he was dealing with in a given month. That was a lot of tastes he wouldn't get to know. That was something that was going to affect his social interactions. It was going to isolate him more in all these weird fucking ways that as Eth started to have more friends and want to go hang out with them they were only just starting to wrap their heads around. Basically any party or social gathering or dance that wasn't being hosted for the kids over at RIC was bound to be a fucking disaster and a major headache.
Evan's fucking so-called dad was so fucking lucky Erin had been with him when they'd picked Eth up at that birthday party. Because he'd been about ready to punch the guy in the fucking face when he saw the whole food and social situation going on there. The guy was clearly fucking clueless about dealing with kids with any sort of differences. You'd think he'd know better with a kid of his own dealing with some of the shit. But it wasn't exactly like he was around beyond when he wanted to be showy and stick it to Gwen about how she mothered and cared for Evan. An asshole. A royal asshole who didn't even want to let Evan have any of his RIC buddies at his party and then when they'd been allowed to come had clearly either put no effort into recognizing some of these kids would need accommodations or had purposely made it fucking difficult for them to be there. Asshole.
Though, Jay got that accommodating Eth when it came to diet was fucking hard. It was really hard. Ignatius tried in the cafeteria but had ended up reaching some sort of agreement with Hank where they sent home the menu for the month and the list of ingredients for each item that would be on offer. Hank got to fucking go through a month early and basically pick out which days and food items Eth could have. A FUCKING MONTH AHEAD OF TIME. Or write in adjustments that needed to be made. And if there wasn't something that Eth could eat there that day, he'd get brown bagged. Either way, it just made Eth more of a fucking mark at school because he didn't get to go through the line and pick out his food at lunch with everyone else and Jay didn't think he ever ate breakfast at the place. Instead, he just went right over to the check-out and they had the meal already trayed up for him. And on the days they didn't, he just took his lunch bag and found a table. Just another visible reminder to all the kids that he was different. Like they needed more.
They usually only had Eth two or three nights a week, but even accommodating him on those days was rough. They'd gotten sort of lazy about it. Partially because they were usually tired by the time they got home and then had to feed him and do homework with him and try to spend time with him. It was easiest to just fucking put out a salad and some chicken breast or do up some omelets. Though, they'd both mastered a handful of dishes that were things Eth could eat and didn't taste half bad. But they could all get a little redundant. So it could really suck when you had to eat with Ethan. You didn't want to be eating all sorts of things in front of him that he couldn't have. And even when they took him out for dinner – they ended up picking a place that might not be at the top of their list because it actually had something that Eth could eat or was a place they'd learned through trial-and-error had a kitchen staff that was willing to make accommodations and bring out some sort of special bland dish for the kid. But even that affected what you ordered. Because you didn't want to be chowing down on the battered chicken wings he couldn't have when they were on his list of favorite foods – but were now something he could only eat at home or at a few select places. You had to remind yourself that outside of the time you were with Eth, you could eat whatever the fuck you wanted. So, you just … picked something else when he was with you. Most of the time. Sometimes, Eth just had to learn to accept the harsh reality that life wasn't fair and sometimes people where going to have things in their life that he didn't – including wings and dessert.
Still, there was part of Jay that was in a backward way grateful that him and Erin had to accommodate Eth a few nights a week. That they'd have to accommodate him this trip. Because at least it kind of kept them on track with their lifestyle and diet too. Because, Jay was pretty sure that if it was just him and Erin feeding themselves, he'd sort of go off the rails. He was way more into watching what he put into his body than her. It'd lead to some interesting conversations and sort of a weird way of understanding the various baggage they'd both come away with from their upbringings. So fucking fucked up how childhood could so fucking affect your self-image and body image and relationship with food and overall health. And it'd clearly fucked them up in their own separate ways.
Erin could eat. There was actually something … oddly attractive about it. That they could go to a fucking Mexican place and she didn't just order a salad and eat fucking two chips with salsa at a snail's pace. No. She ordered the burrito. She had the tacos. She could tuck away more food than him. And she didn't get all fucking weird about eating in front of him. Even if it was some greasy burger bigger than her head or about two pounds of honey-hot wings all on her own while not even remotely trying to equally share the basket of fresh cut fries. She just ate what she wanted. When and how she wanted. He'd made some vague comment about it once at Voight's place. Something in the context of her eating like a teenaged boy. And the guy had just grunted acknowledgement and provided, "Yea. Ate us out of house and home worse than Justin. Making up for lost time." And that had pretty much stopped Jay from ever making any sort of comment – seriously or teasingly – to either Erin or Voight again.
And, he didn't really need to make a comment anyways. Erin's metabolism seemed to still be able to handle how she ate. And it wasn't like she sat on her ass stuffing her face with a bag of potato chips nightly. She could still kick most people's asses at the boxing gym. And, he'd made the mistake of thinking he wanted to go to a fucking spin class with her once. But apparently that was some sort of competitive sport. He'd come away drenched in sweat and his thighs and calves screaming at him as he tried to "beat" her at the damn class. She'd barely broken a sweat.
But the reality was that he knew his body couldn't manage eating the way she did. He needed to have his protein shakes and almond milk and green juices and ate his kale and pick salad over fries no matter how soccer mom that was and went with the brown rice whenever he had the option. He still carb loaded and protein loaded but in a different way – a more planned way – than her. But, he knew that if they didn't have Eth over a few nights a week – and then have the leftovers from whatever it was they fed him that night available – he'd likely be slowly falling into Erin's eating patterns. Which would only serve to give him that gut that Will was starting to develop as he progressed through his thirties. Definitely wanted to avoid that. And just wanted to avoid all the cancer causing chemicals and shit that came in all the fucking boxed and processed Frankenfood that Americans seemed to love to consume. Eat themselves to death.
But Eth's reaction at the lunch counter definitely suggested he probably sort of thought they were sticking it to Voight. That they were letting him have the corn after Jay didn't think the kid got corn-on-the-cob once last summer despite repeatedly asking for it. And those were just the times Jay had heard him beg for it to be included in a summer barbecue. He was sure Voight had heard it near daily. But it wasn't about Voight. They'd gotten his sign-off. He seemed to get just how fucking hard it might potentially be to get regular meals with a healthy, medically-approved diet into Eth. So if letting some corn and potatoes into it – and paying for an extra 'script to try to keep them from wrecking havoc on his system – made it easier, he was willing to accommodate that.
Eth likely thought his old man was a pain in the ass when it came to his meals and what he consumed. Even though, the kid had seen what deviating from the diet too much – or too many times or too excessively – could do to his body. He'd paid the price before. And, he got preached at by his doctors and therapists and dietician regularly too. It wasn't just Voight. It wasn't just them.
And, the reality was, that Voight fucking tried to switch it up for the kid and keep it interesting. And that was time consuming and expensive. Two things that Voight didn't have a ton of with his job. But two things he seemed to try to make sure he provided for his family. Still, even as a decent enough cook – who seemed to generally enjoy to make meals for his family – Voight only had so much fucking leeway he could work with when it came to Eth. And he knew that too.
So, he clearly tried to make sure the kid got some occasional treats that wouldn't do him in but would keep him from feeling left out. Special occasions. Holidays. Birthdays. It was the reason Voight had handed Erin some fucking gluten-free, diary-free, sugar-free "chocolate" Easter egg to get jammed into their luggage for them to have out for Eth on Sunday morning. Though, Jay wasn't sure it had quite survived the trip intact enough that it was going to look anything like an egg. But, he was sure the kid would be thrilled about it.
And that was the other reality about Voight. As much as he could go off the fucking leash. As much of the fucking moody-ass, temperamental attitude he projected at work. The his way or the highway demeanor. The just don't give a shit what you think. That was work. And it was persona. For the District, for the job, for the street. It wasn't the guy he was at home. Still strict. Still a stick up his ass a lot of the time. But he was also that guy who spent a fucking arm and a leg on some fucking egg that he'd likely had ordered in special by one of his "guys" so Eth could have a treat on Easter. Like being in Florida on a fucking theme park holiday wasn't treat enough.
But there was work Voight, street Voight and home Voight. He might not care what people thought of him up in the Ivory Tower and he might only care that he had a tough guy reputation on the street – but he fucking cared what the people in his home life thought of him. Really and clearly. Jay had seen that on repeat.
And it was such a fucking juxtaposition to his own father. His own upbringing. Where his dad didn't give a shit what they thought of him or how they saw him, but he sure as fucking cared about what the rest of the people around him thought. How they saw him and the illusion he created for them – for himself and his family – to live in. The contrast still fucking threw Jay so much sometimes. He still was trying to wrap his head around it and rectify it. To come to terms with what a father and husband looked like. And what kind of father and husband he wanted to be. And how the job fit into all of that.
He didn't exactly want to be Voight. But even with all the shit choices Voight had made when it came to his family – ones that Jay didn't entirely approve of – he would still take parenting lessons from him over his own dad. In the end, though, he knew he was his own man. He'd be his own man. On the job and in his family. And as a father. He was just trying to learn what he could a long the way. Before he got to that destination and didn't know what the fuck he was doing. Had to believe he'd be OK when he got there, though. If anything, Eth was a pretty good crash course in what parenting – and parenthood – might look like.
This trip was definitely going to be another fucking crash course. A big one. A test of patience. Knew it might test his and Erin's relationship some too. He sort of figured that the only way they were going to make it through the week, though, without losing their minds – or feeding Eth to the gators that he fucking wanted to see and not in a fucking zoo – was in as a unified front. Team effort. Partnership. Just like work. And from the way Voight preached when he decided to provide one of his three sentence tutorials on how he saw marriage and parenthood was just how these things were supposed to look and work. Not that he'd grown up with that example. Or that Erin had had it until her teens. Or it was what Eth was growing up with now. Though, Jay supposed the kid was getting a united front in a different kind of way. A takes a village kind of way. Or maybe just the way a fucking family was supposed to look like and work – even if you didn't share genetics.
And, if him and Erin couldn't manage to survive the week without completely telling off Eth – at least the week would've likely provided some kind of ultimate birth control.
Actually, looking at a lot of the kids in the park with their parents was proving to be a bit of an education in birth control. There were some fucking badly behaved kids all fucking over place. And not just little guys who were exhausted and overwhelmed with all the sensory stimulation that was going on in this place. There was clearly a whole lot of spoiled brats in sight. And just entitled little bastards. And then some generally piss poor parenting.
Jay was trying to be forgiving when he saw like the pre-schoolers having meltdowns. But he wasn't overly forgiving by nature. And the reality was at fucking Universal – or at least the park they were in and the section or island or whatever the fuck they'd labeled it was – didn't seemed to really attract the grade school types. So the spoiled, entitled brats he was seeing were mostly Eth's age group. Tweens and teens. That ten to seventeen-year-old bracket. Though, he definitely thought he was seeing some college-aged kids supposedly on family vacations who were being just as fucking bratty.
There were a whole lot of kids who were just being moody assholes to their parents – and the rest of their families … grandparents, little siblings. Lip and demeanor. Verbal arguments and that fucking stand-off-ishness that he wouldn't say that Eth didn't do – at home. But he would say that at least so far, him and Erin didn't tolerate it and his dad definitely didn't take that shit at home without him facing some type of consequence about it. And it wasn't even just that that was bugging Jay a bit. That sort of bullshit you sort of expected from kids in that age range. The shit that was pissing him off more was the kids who had headphone on or were buried in their phones or dragging twenty feet behind their family like they wanted to disown them. Not going on rides or shows or sitting at a different table from their folks at the fucking restaurant. Just doing the fucking pout show like they were too fucking cool and good for this family holiday that their parents had likely picked out specifically for them and spent a hell of a lot of money on.
Basically, they were barely a half-day into their first park with Eth and he'd already realized they were in a bit of a sweet spot with him. To start – that kind of shit wasn't taken lightly at home, so even though there was some fatigued whining going on and some minor power struggles about what the kid thought he wanted to do in a particular moment and them pulling the grown-up card and telling him how that moment was actually going to play out, he sure as fuck wasn't trying to exert the full-on 'I'm a teenager and don't give two fucks' show. Then they had a kid with them who actually wanted to be there. So that fucking helped too.
But it wasn't just that. It was that Eth was just a nice kid. He was a grateful kid. He hadn't done a lot of things that didn't just involve museums in the city and ball or camping and fishing with his fam. And, even though that was good wholesome shit – the kind of things that Jay really wanted to be able to do with his own kids some day if this whole 'vacation as birth control' thing didn't play out – it did mean he was ripe for other experiences. He was hungry for them. Especially with being a teen now and going into high school and having some allowance money to be able to buy and do things on his own and having some buddies and being old enough and trusted enough he was semi-allowed to get from certain Point As to Point Bs and allowed occasional unsupervised time at home and at Evan's place. And then there was the whole being surrounded by the fucking Richie Riches at Ignatius. The whole keeping up with the Jones thing that with Eth was really just this desperate plea to fit in – even just a little bit. Even though they all kind of seemed to know that he'd never exactly fit.
Five hours in the park and the reality that Eth didn't quite fit was staring them in the face again. But not in a bad way. In a way that had them in that nice little window. The one that they knew too well was likely going to be closing in a matter of months. That he'd keep growing up and changing and being corrupted by life and society. But that little window they were in – that sweet spot – it kind of made Jay believe that even though this week or so was going to be a fucking trip – a fucking effort – that it'd be OK. That it'd be fun. Even to just watch him. To see this kid interact with all of it and how he found ways to cope with it all.
Eth was right in that prime spot. That one where even though he was thirteen – he still had some kid in him. He wasn't quite a teenager yet. High school – and the kids there – hadn't quite corrupted him yet. That even though life had done its best to beat him down and throw him some curve balls, there was still that little boy in there. It was sort of this weird mixed blessing that he was learning came with Eth's brain injury.
That Eth being TBI manifested itself in some really frustrating and annoying ways. That he could have moody and almost volatile states (that you partially wanted to say was just a teenager or just him having Voights genes but other times was so fucking abundantly clear it was more than that). That his concentration and his ability to focus could be sketchy. That he was a slow reader and slow at learning new things that were just pressed at him verbally or through books. But it also sort of … enshrined … this little boyness in him. That despite all the shit that he'd been through that had caused him to grow up and try to figure out how to cope with things bigger than him – there was this little bit of immaturity that could be endearing. And it could be fun. And it sort of made up for all the fucking frustrating moments where Jay questioned how the fuck he got involved in any of this.
And it was those little moments that just made the spot they were in with him that much more of prime real estate. Because Eth was still that kid who just really wanted to have the time of his life at the theme park and wasn't completely and utterly embarrassed by being at the theme park and the reality that he loved dinosaurs and was there to see Harry Potter and Star Wars.
Though that little boy enthusiasm away from all the assholes at Ignatius was prompting them to have to have some talks with him about how he spent his money. Because basically they were in Jurassic Park – and if Eth had his way, he'd pretty much buy out every gift store in the whole park. The kid was clearly losing his mind with all the dinosaur stuff in the stores. And it'd definitely taken a bit of convincing that buying the fucking paleontologist vest likely wasn't smart. Nor was adding even more plastic toy dinosaurs to his collection. Nor did he need every fucking branded tshirt in the place. And that he definitely couldn't afford "real amber" jewelry or "real mammoth ivory" knickknack crap.
They'd seemed to put a stop to the shopping spree for the moment by indicating that they didn't want to be dragging his newly purchased crap with them all day in the heat and through the lines and on the rides. So – he could pick his SOUVENIR – SINGULAR – on the way out. That apparently was reasonable in his mind. But Jay wasn't going to be entirely convinced until they did make a break for it and Eth evitable wanted to go in the store again and make his purchases.
PURCHASES – PLURAL – because ever since they'd laid down the law about not buying until they were leaving, he'd been talking about what he was going to buy and it sure as fuck wasn't singular. Every time they put up an argument about how much he might get made fun of about a particular purchase or how bright (or completely stupid) it might be to wear something like that to Ignatius on a Civies Day, then he instead started listing off things that he might get for Henry or souvenirs for Eva and Avery (that Jay was pretty sure neither of them wanted). And even taking that out of it, it sounded like Eth fully intended to walk out of the park with a Jurassic Park baseball ("But not one I'll ever use. It will just look killer on my shelf. IN A CASE."), a new shirt (even though he already had two Jurassic Park shirts and at least three more dinosaur shirts in his dresser), and these little diecasts of vehicles from the movies (most of which Jay was pretty sure were never in the movies. And more than that, Olive had tracked down two packs of these things back at Christmas. Her packs had two of the vehicles in them each. And it'd come up in conversation that she'd picked them up as two for five bucks. Four vehicles for five bucks. The ones Eth was looking at in the souvenir shop? Six bucks for one fucking thing.).
They'd have to budget time for that visit – because Eth and decisions didn't go well. Especially when there were that many options in front of him. It usually worked better if you narrowed down the options for him. Took him to a specific store with a specific inventory and told him his specific budget and then gave him a narrow field of choice. That wasn't really working here. And they still had to visit Harry Potter land and Star Wars land. That might be their sole grace – reminding him that he would want to have some money left when they go to those two places. But to Eth, Jay wouldn't be surprised, if dinosaurs and Jurassic Park out-ranked them on the spending priority list. They clearly had on the park visit list – though, in reality, him and Erin had decided to just come over to Dino Island first to get it out of the way so that hopefully they wouldn't have to listen to him talk about it all week. Though, now that they'd been there, Jay was pretty sure they'd still have to listen to him talk about it all week. Because he was going to want to come back.
It was one of those moments where you felt more like you were parenting then just being … whatever the fuck it was that he was. Brother-in-law? Big brother? Friend of Eth's sister? Guy who worked for his dad? Sometimes Jay wasn't really sure of what his title was or how Eth saw him.
But there were other moments that even though the title wasn't clear – he knew Eth saw him … as something. Or he saw Eth as something. Someone.
Like that morning when the first aid station attendant had handed them the bracelet that contained all Eth's emergency medical information and emergency contact info and had the little scan thing for if they did end up using the disability line. That it'd been handed to him as Erin dealt with signing in and cataloguing Eth's medications. And the attendant had just nodded at him but said to Eth, "I'll let Dad help you get that on" of the heavy duty Velcro on the canvas band. And Eth hadn't corrected the guy or blinked an eye about it. Maybe the kid hadn't noticed. But Jay had. And he didn't feel himself cringe when the guy said it either. And he didn't jump down his throat to correct him either. Because it wasn't worth it. And because even though he wasn't Eth's dad – he also wasn't just some guy at his dad's work and wasn't just Erin's boyfriend or friend or partner.
That'd actually hit home even harder when they were walking through the park. Making the beeline for the Jurassic Park area. Seeing that fucking iconic gate towering. Hearing the fucking theme song blasting through the speakers so you were all getting your own individual moment of stepping through. And seeing that done-up Jeep seeing just inside. For as fucking kitschy as it was, Jay had felt that stir of childhood hitting him too. It looked way fucking better than he expected. But it must've been overwhelming to Eth. Because his hand had come off his crutch, it'd grabbed his, squeezed it. Just for a split second. But it was there. And Jay had looked down at it – a little taken off guard because Eth didn't do that. They didn't do much touching. Jay didn't do much casual touching with anyone. But there it was. At little, excited touch that he knew Eth didn't even know he'd done. But he'd done.
It only lasted a second. Maybe less. Before it dropped away and the kid pointed at the gate. "Look," he'd declared like they were fucking blind. Like they couldn't see it. Couldn't hear it. And his eyes were as wide as saucers. Just fucking awe struck. And then he'd been off – like a fucking shot. Wasn't waiting for him and Erin anymore. He was going to get through that gate first. And he did. He'd left him and Erin behind to follow after him – and it was her hand that had gripped his then. Just … casually. She'd given him a smile. Knowing, amused, of thanks. Or just … a smile. Maybe it didn't need to mean anything. Beyond that they stepped through that gate hand-in-hand. Together.
It was this strange stirring in him in that moment, though. Those moments. That walk-up. With his girl. With Eth so fucking excited. So fucking awe struck. As annoying as it was on some level, it was also so fucking contagious. And Jay found himself wishing that maybe he'd had some sort of moment like that with his own brother. Or with his mom. Or anything even remotely resembling it with is own father in some minuscule way. Maybe he sort of felt bad for Voight that he didn't get to see – or feel – that moment. Maybe that Justin wasn't there to get to see it – if he could've fucking brought himself to care and to tolerate all that Eth having that moment entailed. Or maybe it made him think about what it'd be like to have that moment when the awe-struck little boy was a kid of his own that he was watching go charging into his dinosaur fantasy.
It was strange. Before Eth he hadn't really wanted to be a father. He thought he'd likely be a shit one and he'd probably screw up any kids he did have. Badly. And then even as that changed and shifted – as spending time with the awesome little weirdo that was Erin's younger brother – convinced him that he might actually not just want kids but might enjoy it and might be good at it. But then he'd sort of worried about all that other bullshit. All the what-ifs when it came to kids. If they had some sort of disability. Or were autistic. Or if they got sick. Or they got hurt. Just how the fuck do you protect them and take care of them in that situation. How do you feel about them or yourself. Do they just become this burden. Is it just this lifelong struggle where you end up feeling guilty for having brought them into the world and inflicted all that on them. Knowing that they'd never have a "normal" life, whatever the fuck that was.
But Eth had changed and adjusted that perspective for him too. Because even though there were good days and there were bad days with him. That sometimes it was hard. And you worried about him. And he could be a lot of work. And incredibly frustrating. And different situations he encountered or things he had to endure just could get you down. It made you sad for him. It made you worry about his future. And sometimes you just needed some space or a break from him. But even in all of that, him and Erin – they'd dealt with repeated situations where Jay knew they could do it.
If they had a kid with a learning disability or a physical disability or a medical condition or a kid who got sick or a kid who got hurt or a kid who was bullied or a loner or had no friends or started getting into whatever kind of addiction … videogames, drugs, alcohol … they could fucking deal with it. And even though it'd be hard and frustrating and sad – it wouldn't change how they felt about that kid.
Because Ethan was a fucking amazing kid. He was strong, brave, smart in his own ways. Just a sensitive, caring kid. And he had a future – a bright one – whether it was particularly "normal" or not. And as much of an annoying little fuck Eth could be – he'd still become one of Jay's favorite people to hang out with.
And even though love was a confusing concept for Jay. It felt like a fucking minefield a lot of time. Too many layers and obstacles to navigate. Especially with the baggage he still carried on his back. But, he knew somewhere deep down that what he felt for Eth – what it'd evolved into – was some kind of love. And if he felt that way about Eth – that strongly about him – whatever his and Erin's genetics threw at them in their creation of a little person … or people … he knew he'd feel even more strongly. And more deeply. And they'd just fucking deal with whatever came their way with that kid's life and situation. Because it they'd be their kid. And they'd love them. No matter what.
He supposed that was the give and take of parenting. The pluses and the minuses. The concessions you made. The acceptances you had to come to.
And they were definitely dealing with a lot of pluses and minuses, acceptances and concessions that day. They likely would be all trip. But maybe that'd what it'd end up being about – not the vacation.
AUTHOR NOTE: So I know that was epically long and not much dialogue. It's actually going to be "Part 1" of this chapter because it's still going. And I just decided to post this much now, as then you get an update, where as writing the rest might take me another 1-7 days depending on stuff. Beyond that how I'm structuring the chapter is a little different than my plans when I started writing it. Don't worry Part 2 will be a lot more action narrative (of their day) and dialogue than this interior monologue of Jay. Though, I know some readers are fans of Jay interior monologue. So there you go …
I will post Part 2 as a separate chapter when it's done. I might go back and combine them together a week or so after they're both complete. I'll let you know my thoughts on that when I finish Part 2.
As always, your readership, thoughts, comments and feedback are appreciated.
For the fans of the Florida chapters who were really requesting it additional feedback on what you hope to see highlighted might be nice. I'm not sure how many Florida chapters I'm going to do. I might do a Star Wars one. I have some thoughts of others … Harry Potter, beach day, Kennedy Space Center, shark teeth, debrief back home, etc. But I'm not sure how much I'll flog this out. I might do a from Hank's POV back home (either what he's doing or how he's coping without Eth or him doing another FaceTime moment but from his POV rather than Erin's). If you're going to give feedback on that — don't tell me you want an M chapter while they're on vacation. I know there's a group that ALWAYS wants an M chapter - so, yes, I'm already aware there's a group of you who need it spelled out that they're likely having sex on their vacation rather than just using your own imaginations.
I have some ideas for chapters/scenes outside of the Florida trip realm, so depending on how many I do and/or how inspired or distracted I get in other directions, I might back track or flash forward to other moments.
Again, sorry it's interior monologue heavy. But at least you're getting an update. And the next part will have more description of what they've been up to and Jay and Erin chatter, with some Eth lines too.
Oh, and of note for the chapters/scenes that do involve the amusement parks. There are going to be some made up rides and some rides that may not exist at the Orlando parks anymore but might still exist at one of their other locations. But it's fiction — and I'm going to try to create an environment and experience that is reflective of the characters interests, etc. So you don't need to tell me that the Flying Dinosaur doesn't exist (apparently it does … in Universal Japan) or that Back to the Future isn't there anymore or that Fast and the Furious isn't opened yet or that the Walking Dead scare house is in Hollywood, etc. I know — or likely know or I just completely made it up. And the same will likely be true for the when/if I write a chapter with them doing the Star Wars attractions at Disney. So any theme park freaks who take the rides super seriously … it's OK. I'm sorry this park doesn't really exist. And for people who plan their trip to Orlando based on Eth, Erin and Jay's trip … well … sorry that they are likely going to get to go on different rides than you'll find there. Also not my fault.
Enjoy.