By the time Dean got home, he was numb. He didn't think anything and he didn't feel anything. All he did was walk. He walked without registering his surroundings and until he reached home, he didn't notice anything.
When he went in, Charlie was waiting for him on the couch, worry etched on her face. She was toying with her phone while Sam and Jess were talking quietly among themselves. Without even acknowledging them, Dean went up to his room and banged the door behind him. He sat down on his bed and blankly stared at his palms resting on his knees.
He sat there staring at his palms when Charlie came into his room, God knows how long later. He looked up and her and lost it. He broke down and started to cry like a child. Charlie quickly shut the door and came to sit on his lap, wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his head towards her.
"Shush Dean. It'll be fine okay? We'll get him back okay? Please... Please don't cry Dean. I hate to see you cry like this. Just... Just please trust me Dean, we'll get him back. I promise." Her voice too cracked at the last part and it made Dean cry harder.
How could she say that? He ruined Cas' life. He ruined everything he ever came across and now he had ruined Cas' life too. He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve Cas or Charlie or anyone else for that matter. He did deserve the punch Kevin had thrown at him. He did deserve the pain that accompanied Cas leaving him and he did deserve to suffer for what he put Cas through for all these years.
They sat like that for a long time, Charlie on his lap, comforting him, and Dean wrapped his arms around her waist, burying his head in her shoulder, crying. Finally, after he was all cried out, Dean and Charlie got up. Charlie went out to fix something to eat and Dean went to the bathroom to wash his face and wallow in self pity a bit longer.
Dean washed his face and rested his hands on the side of the sink as he looked at himself in the mirror. He looked horrible. His eyes were red and swollen, his cheeked looked blotched and he looked like he was down with some sort of disease. It did explain how he felt. He felt sick to the stomach. He felt sick and he hated himself. He just wish there was something, ANYTHING, he could do to make it better.
It had been a few months since high school had started, but ever since the first day, Dean and Cas hadn't talked much.
Dean missed his best friend and only ever saw him in between classes or during lunch. Even then Cas never talked to him. Cas would just give him a look and walk away. It hurt Dean to not talk to his best friend anymore but he was also sort of scared of getting in Az or Marv's bad books.
That day was just like the others. Dean was at his locker, going to join his new friends in their after school shenanigans when he heard it. A small whimper. Like a hurt animal. He looked around and saw a crowd had gathered around Az and Marv, chanting something that Dean didn't catch.
Dean wove through the crowd to see who his friends were tormenting this time. When he got to the centre of the unrest, he saw that Az and Marv had cornered Cas. Maybe cornered was a light term. Cas was lying on the ground with his arms around his head and Az and Marv were being total douches and beating him up. Cas' locker had the word faggot spray painted on it in red. He looked back at Cas and saw that Cas had been bleeding.
"Stop. Stop hitting him, I think you've done enough today."
"Yeah. Look Dean's here. Dean will take care of his Damsel in distress no need to worry now. Go ahead Dean. Do your thing Dean." Az taunted him. Dean could feel the blood rising in his body and managed to control his anger. Because being angry won't help.
He silently took Cas to the hospital and stayed there till someone came for him. He knew Cas was too out of it to remember any of this later but he couldn't leave him alone all beaten up in a hospital.
That day, Dean had promised himself he would always be there for Cas when someone hurt him, even if Cas didn't know and every time something had happened that Dean knew of, he always went to see Cas. Now he had hurt Cas and he couldn't be there for him. It hit him like a ton of bricks that he had been the reason for Cas to be hurt again and couldn't do anything about it.
So, instead of living in the past, he decided to do something about it. Grabbing a piece of paper and a pen, he made a list of things to do and got right to it. He had to get Cas back and he was going to do it the Grand way.
Dean was done just moping around and crying. He grabbed his wallet and keys and everything else he would need and headed out to get Cas. He fucked up way too much and he was ready to go to all lengths to make it better. And if nothing else worked, he'd make it even with Cas. Because Cas deserved the best of his behaviour, he deserved much better than Dean had been to him up till now. He had made up his mind. He would make it better or make it even.