Here We Are, As In Olden Days
December 2010 - Age 25
It always amazed her how much the quilts reminded her of her childhood, even though they'd been boxed away for years. She plucked absently on a tuft of faded yarn on the blanket and remembered when she watched her mother assemble this quilt from scratch. She pulled it tighter around her shoulders, letting the musty scent of the attic surround and comfort her.
She hadn't been up here in a couple of years. Last year she couldn't bear it. This year she'd passed Christmas and showed up for New Year's, like she promised herself.
Her dad told her that Edward had come for Christmas. She tried to tell him to stop but her heart was lodged in her throat.
"He looked sad, Bells."
She shook her head.
"I think he wanted to see you."
"Yeah, well…I wanted to see him last year."
He'd stopped pushing it after that.
It was ridiculous that they hadn't talked in over a year and a half. They'd spent the first half of their life together. Every. Day. She had no idea if he went to New York on business or with someone he cared about. She had no idea if he had a girlfriend or still loved his job like he used to. She wanted to call him sometimes just to hear his voice.
She still couldn't do it.
But he didn't call either. He was the one who needed to apologize. Right?
She heard the front door open and close from downstairs and presumed her dad was back from the supermarket. The rustling noises from the kitchen told her she was right. It was the clomping on the stairs that confused her.
And it kept coming.
Higher.
Until it was on the attic stairs.
Tears were in her eyes and she covered her mouth with her hands.
It wasn't…
It couldn't be…
Copper hair and green eyes climbed through the hole in the floor.
"Bella," he breathed, chest heaving.
She shook her head back and forth, hot trails of salty tears spilling down her cheeks and onto the quilt.
He was standing fours steps from the top, revealed to his waist. He had on a heavy wool coat and was wearing a red and green flannel shirt. It reminded her of the one he wore the first day he came over all those years ago. His hair was a royal mess and still had white flecks of snow in it.
He was better than she remembered.
Always better.
"You're here," he sighed, taking the rest of the steps two at a time.
Her hand reached for him without permission from her brain and he was on his knees at her side. His eyes were wide and curious, lips pressed to a thin line. It was so much like their first afternoon in the attic she could hardly stand it.
The tears kept coming, falling down her neck and onto her shirt. Normally she would be embarrassed, but not in front of Edward. His eyebrows crumpled and she saw his fists clench. The urge to fall into his arms was more intense than ever.
"Why wouldn't I be here?" she said, teeth clenched.
Be strong. Be strong.
She heard his sharp intake of breath and watched as he closed his eyes and fisted his hands in his hair. "I know, I know," he said, voice pained. "It was wrong Bella, I didn't know what to do."
"You should have called." Her pounding heart was giving her strength.
Edward's head shot up and he nodded, eyes intense. "I should have. I know. I should have done a lot of things."
Bella swallowed and looked at him for a moment. His eyes flickered back and forth as he did the same, taking in the parts of their faces that they used to know so well. The skin under his eyes looked baggy and his eyebrows were bushier. The scruff on his jaw was longer than normal. He looked older and more handsome than ever.
"Who was it?" she whispered, asking the question her heart feared the most.
Edward's eyes flashed. "It was work. What did they tell you?" He fisted his hair in his hands again. "Jesus, of course it was work. I would never…not for Christmas, Bella."
She stared back at him. The old wounds in her heart were making her brave but the distance between them was starting to feel too great.
"How am I supposed to know?" she said, voice barely a whisper.
His head nodded up and down, hands still tightly clenched in his lovely copper hair. She watched as a break in the clouds filtered beams of light in through the window. The silver light of winter played in the strands of his hair, highlighting the blond and the brown amidst the bronze. "I know," he repeated with each nod. When he lifted his head, his eyes were red too. "You're not supposed to know, because I never called you."
He reached his hands out slowly and she lifted hers to meet them. Their fingers tangled in knots of warm skin and familiar sensations. The electricity spread up her arms and down her spine until she felt more whole than she had in over a year.
"I'm so sorry, Bella," he whispered, and she saw the tears build in his eyes. "I don't know what else I can say. I think about it every day. I'm just so…sorry."
Without thinking, she tugged on their hands so she could pull herself to her knees. Her arms were around him at once and she felt like part of her broken insides were soldering together again. He gathered her in his arms so tightly she could barely breathe, but she climbed sideways into his lap all the same. The emotions deep in her chest overrode all of the angst in her heart.
She heard her sobs echo in the rafters before she realized she was crying. Edward tangled one hand in her hair at the base of her neck, flexing his fingers slowly. The other moved up and down her back. "I'm so sorry, Bella," he said in her ear. She could hear the emotion in his voice.
"Why didn't you ever call me?" she asked into the fabric of his jacket. He held her tighter.
"I don't know."
She waited a moment before adding, "I didn't call you either."
He nodded into her hair.
Her sobs lessened after a while but he kept rocking and stroking her hair.
"I hate that I've been without you," he whispered.
She sniffed loudly and pressed her cheek to his shoulder. "Not as much as I hate it."
"You're still, are and will always be my best friend."
Bella gripped the front of his shirt. "You're still mine."
He sat back so he could see her face. They were both blotchy, teary messes. She could see the dark shapes of his eyelashes, stuck together with shed tears. "Bella," he sucked in a breath, "can we be friends again? I know there's more to it than that, but please. I need you."
She closed her eyes and felt the crease between her brows deepen. He pressed his finger to it. With each moment, the line between their friendship and their history was growing more and more blurred. She tried not to think about it. It felt softer that way, blurred at the edges. It wasn't as though she ever stopped loving him to begin with.
"What are you doing here?" she asked instead of answering his plea. She dragged her palms over her cheeks to brush away her tears.
Edward pulled a face and smiled bashfully. "I came for this. To see you."
"How did you know?"
"Alice told me."
She blinked. "You flew all the way here?"
The color rose in his cheeks. "Er…no. I'm already here. Or, well…in Seattle."
"Business trip?"
Edward shook his head. "No."
"No?"
He took a deep breath, closed his mouth then smirked at her. Secret smile smirk. "I live here now."
The warmth that flooded her body was only part relief and happiness, the rest was pure selfish desire. Edward. Here. For good. She ignored the painful crackle in her heart that they'd grown so far apart, she didn't even know he lived here.
"I hated being so far from my family and from Forks…and from you."
Bella chewed on her lip as they looked at each other. "I hated it too."
The emotion of the moment was suddenly too much and she looked down at the little space that was between them. Within five minutes her entire outlook on the new year was altered. Edward was back and he could be back in her life. What did that mean?
"Bella." His soft voice made her lift her head. His face was soft and sincere. "I want to hear everything about everything," he said, the excitement evident in his voice. "Anything you want to tell me."
She waited for a moment. "But?"
"But I don't want ignore the issues we obviously have to work out. I can't pretend like things are the same after what happened last year. I need…" He swallowed. "I need you to forgive me. Can you?"
Bella climbed off his lap and knelt down before him. Their knees touched.
She reached for his hands and grasped them tightly. The tears filled her eyes again and she nodded before pulling his fingers to her lips and kissing his knuckles. "I forgive you."
She sat up to wrap her arms around him once more, knowing she could never get enough of him now that he was back. She wanted so much more but was too afraid to ask. Maybe soon.
"Can I take you to lunch?" he asked after a moment. "Or do you want to stay here? I could talk to you for hours."
"No, let's go out. It'll keep my from crying."
Edward jutted out his bottom lip in a mocking pout before standing to his feet and pulling Bella with him. "You're sure? I can go and we can talk about this another day." He hesitated for a moment. "We have time."
The thought made her smile. They did have time. Loads of it. No air travel between them. No time zones to consider. She walked towards the stairs and held out her hand. "Let's go."
A/N: Phewwwwwww. Together again. It was hard when they weren't. Bleh. I hope we can rest a little easier now :)
I unintentionally forgot to mention that after this, there are only 2 written chapters left and no real END end. As is the nature of this story. They've got their whole future ahead of them! Unless I get inspired over the next couple of days (unlikely, seeing as it's the holidays), this story will end on Christmas Day! I won't post tomorrow but I will on Mon and Tuesday at some point. Worked out rather well!
The next chapter is one of my very favorite Edward moments and I'm so excited to share it with you on Christmas Eve. Have a wonderful weekend! xx