Alicia sat in her room talking to the Priestess Elosha. It was a week after her suicide attempt. Lee had insisted that she'd talk to someone qualified. She didn't want to talk to a therapist though; even though she had had one on Caprica and it had always helped talking to him, Galactica was a small ship when it came to rumors and she was afraid everyone would think she was crazy. When President Roslin had suggested Elosha, both Lee and Alicia had been grateful and Elosha had agreed to come to Galactica twice a week. But now that she was here, Alicia didn't know what to tell her.
They sat in silence for some time. Elosha wanted to give the younger woman time to get used to her. But when Alicia hadn't said anything after several minutes, Elosha decided to make the first step.
"I can understand how difficult it is for you to talk about what happened. We could talk about something else first, if you like. To get to know each other."
"I don't want to waste your time. My husband insisted that I talk to someone. I don't really think it's necessary. I'm fine."
"Are you really?"
"Doctor Cottle has increased my medication. There's nothing to worry about." Alicia replied defiantly.
"So you felt depressed only because you didn't get a high enough dosage of medication?"
"Yes."
"Your husband told me you said you were afraid to lose him, that you didn't want to live without him."
"So? I was depressed! He's a viper pilot who was flying a dangerous mission at the time. I watched him for two days, worrying who of his pilots would come back alive. Worrying if he would come back alive. Of course I was scared for him." Alicia said angrily.
"Are you still scared?" Elosha quietly asked.
"What?" Alicia looked at her confused.
"Are you still scared to lose him?"
Alicia stared at her for a long moment, then she looked down at her hands. "Yes." She whispered.
"And should he die tomorrow, what would you do?"
"I ... I don't know." Alicia admitted quietly. She looked at Elosha helplessly. "I don't know what I would do without him. I'm not that strong. I don't think that I could ever raise Nia on my own." She sobbed, wiping away the tears that had been falling down her eyes. "I'm a terrible mother. I ..." Her voice broke and she looked devastated at the older woman.
Comforting Elosha took her hands in hers. "You're not a terrible mother. I remember you with your daughter on Colonial One, shortly after the attacks. Despite the circumstances, despite how scared you felt, you gave your daughter the feeling that she was safe with you. And I remember your husband too that day. The second he laid eyes on you after he came onboard, he pulled strength from knowing you were there. You are a lot stronger than you think."
"Then why don't I feel that strong?"
"That's what I'm here to help you with." Elosha replied smiling.
XXXXXXX
"Should there ever be an election, the president has my vote." Kara said grinning.
"Because she gave us an hour off?" Lee asked smiling.
"Yep. What better reason could there be." Kara replied, while dragging Lee into the sunlit park of Cloud 9. They had been ordered to take care of security on the luxury liner during the first meeting of the Quorum of Twelve. Despite their lack of experience in that area, they had finished their job early, so the President had given them some time off to relax before the meeting.
"Maybe we should go over the security details again. There will ..."
"Lee, stop! Would you relax? The President herself gave us some time off. It's okay to not work every once in a while."
"But there ..."
"Uh!" Kara held her hand up to stop him talking. "No more talking. This is the perfect place. Lie down!" She ordered him. Then she lay down herself on the grass and closed her eyes. After a moment of hesitation, Lee followed her.
Once he lay on the fresh smelling grass, with closed eyes and feeling the sun on his skin, he could almost imagine lying in his mother's garden. "Ah, I can't remember the last time I felt the sunlight on my face. It sure feels like the real thing." He said smiling.
"They could have done a better job with the horizon though." Kara complained.
They both stayed quiet for a while, enjoying the sun and the fresh grass beneath them.
"So, how is Alicia doing?" Kara asked after a few moments. She had been meaning to ask for a few days, but somehow there was never the right time.
Lee hesitated a moment before he replied. "She says she's feeling better. She seems fine. She is taken more medication now, but ... I don't know. I thought she was okay before and she wasn't ..." His voice trailed off. He had opened his eyes and stared at the fake sky.
"So ... is she depressed or something?" Kara asked carefully. She didn't really feel that she had any right to ask, but when Lee had mentioned the medication, she had gotten curious.
Again Lee hesitated. He didn't feel comfortable talking about Alicia's condition with Kara, especially with his wife's feelings about her. But if he couldn't talk about it with Kara, who could he talk to? It still felt strange talking to his father about personal problems and he didn't have any other close friends on Galactica – or anywhere else in the fleet.
"She has manic depression. It started right after Nia was born. She ... she suddenly was like a whole other person. The first weeks after Nia was born Alicia spent in ... in a hospital. She still feels guilty about missing that time." Lee said quietly.
"I'm sorry." Kara swallowed. She didn't really know what to say, so she got up and walked a few steps around Lee. Eventually she did what she always did – she changed the subject. "Security is gonna be a bitch. A thousand different places for a sniper to hide. How many people are we dealing with again?"
"Five hundred plus." Lee replied, relieved about the new subject. He also got up again. Seeing Kara walking around him in circles was making him nervous. "Each colony is sending a delegation of leading citizens."
"Great ... herds of looki-loos, anyone of whom could be a Cylon." Kara smirked. That's when her eyes fell on a garden hose lying around on the grass. It looked like the perfect opportunity to get Lee's mind off all his worries for a while.
"But toasters aren't our only problem. Don't you pay attention to the politics?" He was totally unaware of what Kara was doing since she had fallen a few steps back.
"No." Kara shrugged. There were more important things in life – like having some fun with her best friend, she thought grinning.
"A lot of unrest out there."
"So why is Roslin insisting on letting so many people come?" Kara asked, hiding the hose behind her back.
"Well, I guess she thinks it's important for them to be able to observe how their government works." Lee replied.
"So, basically she's running for re-election." Kara stated dryly. In the end, all politicians were the same.
Finally Lee turned around and saw Kara with the hose, aiming it directly at him. "No ... Kara!" He warned her. He should have known that wouldn't stop her. Laughing she started squirting him.
Startled, Lee jumped to the side, right before he went after Kara to pay her back. "Kara, get off. Give me that." He laughed. He finally managed to catch her and grabbed the hose from her. Laughing he aimed back at her and they both quarreled over the hose, already soaking wet. For a few minutes, neither of them thought about security, politics or assassination attempts.
XXXXXXX
As much as Kara and Lee had enjoyed that free time in the park, the next few hours weren't as pleasant. Not only had they gotten into a bar fight with one of Zarek's followers, they had also found a suspected assassin, a man named Valance. They had interrogated him for several hours, but no matter how many threats they spoke, he still claimed to be innocent. The weapons they found on him spoke another story though.
"We put all the heat on Valance that we could and we still can't tie him to Zarek." Lee said frustrated. The President had asked him to give her a report about the suspect.
"I know Zarek's behind this, keep working on Valance." Roslin said determinedly.
"We will, but to be safe, I think you should send the entire Sagittaron delegation back to their ships." Lee suggested. He usually didn't agree on shutting out people because they came from a certain colony, but the President's life was more important to him than principles. He should have known though that Roslin would never agree to something like this.
"Can't do this." She confirmed Lee's thoughts. "It violates their civil rights and plays right into Zarek's hands."
"But he could still have another shooter on Cloud 9 and if Zarek wins the vote, he's more than capable of ordering your assassination and ascending to the presidency." Lee tried to reason with her.
"Zarek's not going to win because I'm not going to let him." Roslin replied. Lee admired her determination, he just hoped it wouldn't get her killed in the end.
"Meanwhile," Roslin went on," you're gonna tap his phones, you're gonna bug his room. If you find anything that remotely connects Zarek to Valance, shut him down!"
XXXXXXX
"And how exactly are you planning to pull this off?" Kara smirked when Lee told her of Roslin's order.
"Hadrian has sent us the equipment over that we need. We get in, bug his room and get out." Lee explained.
"In and out. That's your plan?"
"Yep."
"O-kay ... What if something goes wrong? Not that I'm not used to spending some time in the brig, but ..."
"What's there to go wrong? We're not breaking into a high security facility, it's just a plain hotel room. The brig is going to have to wait a bit longer for your next visit. Now let's go."
Half an hour later they stood in Zarek's hotel room. Despite his words, Lee had been surprised how easily they had gotten in. He had expected at least one or two guards in front of Zarek's room. Apparently Zarek had no idea how far Roslin would go to stop him.
It didn't take them long to bug his phone and some other places in the living room. Lee was just about to pack their things together and leave the room again, when Kara stopped him.
"We should bug his bedroom too."
"Why? I don't think Zarek would discuss any important matters in his bedroom when he has a living room like this." Lee stated, waving his arm around the luxurious room. Compared with his quarters this looked like a palace.
"Maybe he talks in his sleep. Come on." Without waiting for a reply, Kara stepped into the bedroom. Sighing Lee followed her. She really had seen too many movies.
A few minutes later they had put the last bug under a lamp next to the bed when they heard someone entering the living room.
"Frak!" Kara cursed quietly. "What are we gonna do now?"
Lee quickly searched the room for some place to hide. "The closet." He whispered.
"What? No way, I'm not going in there." Kara hissed. "Maybe they're not coming in here."
In that moment they heard a woman's voice coming from the living room. "And you're sure Mr. Zarek won't mind us using his bedroom?"
"This can't be true." Kara groaned while Lee dragged her into the closet. Seconds after they had closed the closet's door, the two unexpected visitors stepped into the bedroom.
"Oh no, Zarek's always watching out for his people. He won't mind. What's his is ours too." A male voice answered the woman's question.
Lee recognized the voice immediately from his time on the Astral Queen. This man had been on the bridge of the prisoner ship while Lee had been held hostage there. He even remembered his name – Meier.
Neither Meier nor the woman spoke much more for a while. They didn't need to – though Lee and Kara couldn't see what they were doing through the closed closet door, from the sounds coming from the bedroom, they could very well imagine.
"Tell me this isn't happening." Kara groaned.
"Sshht!" Lee hushed, though he didn't think that either Meier or his girlfriend would hear a thing right now. Kara shot him an annoyed look, but she stayed quiet.
While involuntarily listening to the sounds from Meier and his girlfriend, Kara suddenly realized how close she stood to Lee. The closet wasn't really big and she could actually feel his breath on her skin. She glanced in his direction, but Lee didn't return the look. Instead his eyes wandered nervously everywhere around the closet but her.
"What's wrong?" She whispered after a moment.
"Nothing." Lee whispered back.
"Then why do you look so nervous?"
"I'm not ... Just stay quiet, will you? They're gonna hear us." He hissed.
Kara stayed quiet, but she didn't think she could stay this close to Lee for much longer. Fortunately she didn't have to.
After about 20 minutes they could hear Meier and the woman getting out of the bed and ready to leave.
"That's it? We're just going separate ways now?" They could hear the woman ask in a disappointed voice.
"Well, it was fun but I'm a busy man. Lots of things to do." Meier replied evasively.
"Can I see you again?" Despite the short "fun" – Kara didn't think that the woman got really satisfied in this time – she seemed reluctant to just let Meier go like this.
"I let you know when I'm on Cloud 9 again, all right?" Meier said harshly.
After that there was silence and a few moments later Kara and Lee heard the bedroom door being shut. They waited a few minutes and when they didn't hear anything else they quietly stepped out of the closet.
"In and out – that must have been his plan too." Kara said grinning.
"Let's just get out of here; I'm not looking forward to a repeat." Lee groaned.
Grinning Kara followed him out.
"So, what are we gonna do now?" She asked after they had left the hotel. She had thought about another break in the park. Enjoying the sun and lying on the grass really sounded tempting right now after standing in that closet for so long.
"The meeting has already begun. We go to the auditorium and take our places." Lee replied.
"Great." Kara groaned. When was this ever in her job description?
When they had arrived in the auditorium, Lee had to walk by Zarek to get to his place from where he would watch the meeting and look out for any suspects. When he had reached Zarek, he took the chance and leaned down to him.
"Hi, how are you doing? Remember me? We got Valance and you're next." He whispered into Zarek's ear. It felt good to see the surprise in Zarek's face. Before he could respond, Lee had walked away.
XXXXXXX
The meeting seemed to take forever and Lee and Kara had to wait until every member of the Quorum and its delegation had returned safely to their rooms in one of the hotels or to their ships before they could themselves return to Galactica.
"Gods, I thought this day would never end." Kara sighed when they walked down the corridor to their quarters.
"It's only one more day. Then we'll have a few months until the next election." Lee replied tiredly. It really had been a long day.
"Hopefully they have a security force built up by then. I'm a pilot, not a security officer. The closet incident was rather fun, though." Kara grinned.
"Don't remind me, please. I'm trying hard to forget that." Lee had stopped walking when they had reached the spot where they would have to take different corridors. "Are you up for running again?"
"Cottle cleared me this morning. Didn't I tell you? Your times as a lonely runner are over." She said with a big grin on her face. "We might have to start slowly though."
"No problem." Lee smiled. He had missed their morning jogs together. "I'll pick you up at 05.00 hours."
"That's not even four hours of sleep." Kara complained.
"Good night, Kara." Lee replied grinning, ignoring her remark. He knew she was looking forward to it too.
XXXXXXX
Quietly Lee stepped into his quarters. He was relieved to find the lights turned off. Ever since finding Alicia after her suicide attempt, he got a creepy feeling when he entered his quarters. He checked on his daughter who slept peacefully in her bed. Seeing her like this always put a smile on his face and made him forget all the bad things that happened during the day, at least for a few minutes.
When he had gotten out of his uniform, he quietly climbed into bed, careful not to wake his wife. He listened to her regular breathing for a while before he allowed himself to close his eyes. That was another thing he started doing after Alicia's suicide attempt. He needed to make sure she was all right before he could relax and fall asleep. He put his arm around her and – even though still asleep – she snuggled close to him. He held her tightly to him, finally able to let the tension of the day leave him and eventually he fell asleep.
He had been standing real close to Kara for several minutes now. There wasn't much space in the closet and he could feel her skin on his. He could feel his body reacting to being so close to her. He tried to control his breathing. He looked in every corner of this closet, everywhere but her. If he would look at her, he didn't know what he would do. He could feel her green eyes looking at him.
"What's wrong?" She asked.
Nothing, he wanted to say. But the words just wouldn't leave his mouth. He didn't want to lie to her anymore. He didn't want to lie to himself anymore. He finally looked at her. He knew that had been a mistake. He leaned his head down to her and without really knowing what he was doing he kissed her. It felt so right and not at all like a mistake. And she was returning the kiss. He could feel she was surprised at first but she didn't pull away. This was the best kiss in his whole life and he wished it would never end. He could have stayed like this forever ... until the alarms starting ringing.
Startled Lee woke in his bed and turned off his morning alarm.
"Frak." He mumbled. What had that been? He hadn't had such dreams of Kara since ... since a very long time.
"What's wrong?" Alicia mumbled.
"Nothing." Lee said quickly and jumped out of bed. He needed a cold shower before he would pick up Kara for their morning run.
XXXXXXX
This day turned out to be even worse than the last. Valance had been found dead. Everything pointed towards suicide, but no one really believed that. They were convinced that Zarek had something to do with it, but they couldn't prove it. Even though they had bugged his room, they had found no evidence connecting him to Valance.
After long hours of watching over the Quorum meeting and getting over the fact that Roslin had announced Gaius Baltar to be her candidate for Vice President, Lee and Kara's duty as security officers was finally over. They had actually some free time now before they had to attend to the festivities on Cloud 9 and they took that chance to grab something to eat in the mess hall.
"We should put Zarek back in his cell and throw the key out of the next airlock." Kara said frustrated. "Or we just put a hole in his head."
"Can't do that." Lee said after taking a sip of his coffee.
"So what are we supposed to do? Sit on our hands and watch him kill the President?"
"Zarek's too smart to take another shot at the President during the summit. If he wins the vote, he can take her out later when everyone's forgotten about Valance. Just bide his time to find a better opportunity." Lee knew that Zarek didn't even have to take a shot at the President. Roslin's cancer would do that for him. He still hoped Cottle would come up with something, but he knew that she didn't have much time left. She got weaker with every day, even though she was good at hiding it.
"That's great." Starbuck said cynically.
"Anyway, she says she's not gonna lose the votes." Lee said, hoping it was truth. Even though he disagreed with her new choice of Vice President, Baltar was still better than Zarek.
"She says a lot of things." Kara smirked. It was so typical for Lee to believe every word this woman was telling him. When did he get such a faith in her? He usually never trusts anyone easily, she could tell that from experience.
They continued eating their meal in silence for a while. They didn't often get to share dinner like this, without interruption.
"Don't you think you should wash that?" Lee asked after a while, pointing at quite an old looking stain on Kara's uniform. Throughout the dinner memories of his dream last night had flashed through his mind and staying silent, being alone with Kara once again, wasn't helping to push this thought away. Teasing her was always helping getting his mind off anything.
"I did."
"Like when, a month ago?" Lee joked.
"Do you have a problem with my hygiene?" Kara asked defiantly.
"You have hygiene?"
"I clean up good sometimes, all right?" Kara knew that Lee was only joking, but it still hurt. He didn't have to remind her that he just saw her as a buddy – she knew that just too well. She only had to take a look at his perfect little family. Surely he would never pull a joke like this with Alicia.
"Well, let me know when it's one of those times." Lee said grinning.
She would show him.
XXXXXXX
The festivities for Colonial Day had already started half an hour ago and the Adama family was running late. Nia had decided in the last minute that she didn't want to spend the night in Mathilda's room and it had taken both her parents' powers of persuasion to get her to stay with Mathilda after all.
When Lee and Alicia finally stepped onto the hangar deck, Lee hoped the last shuttle for Cloud 9 hadn't left yet. They were lucky – it was still waiting. They had almost reached the shuttle, when Alicia came to a sudden stop.
"What's wrong?" Lee asked confused. "Don't tell me you forgot something. This shuttle isn't going to wait forever."
"I ... I can't ..." Alicia stammered.
"What? You can't what, Ali?"
"I can't go to Cloud 9." She whispered, not looking at Lee.
"Why not?" Lee had absolutely no idea what was bothering his wife.
"It's ... I can still feel the vibrations of the last two explosions on Galactica. If something happens ... If those bombs had gone off on any other ship, I don't think we would have made it alive out of it. ... It's just safer on Galactica. Just thinking of leaving this ship ... I feel like I can't breathe." Alicia said, tears brimming in her eyes. "And Nia ... I know I'm not the best mother ..."
"Ali ..."
"When something happens here and neither of us is near her, than ... I just can't go, I'm sorry."
"So, you never want to leave this ship again?" Lee regretted his words as soon as they had left his mouth. "Sorry. If you don't want to go, then we don't go. It's okay."
"No. No, you go. I know I'm being pathetic and that nothing will happen." She paused and took a deep breath. "I promised your father that you would come to this party. He already suspected you'd try to find a reason to avoid going there. I don't want to be that reason." She looked at him pleadingly. She hated to be so weak. Why couldn't she just go on that frakking shuttle? But just thinking about it made her freeze.
"I don't know." Lee said hesitantly.
"Go." Gently Alicia pushed him towards the waiting shuttle.
"You sure you're okay?"
"I'm fine, really. Don't worry. I'll enjoy an evening for my own, take a long, hot shower and ..." A smile spread over her face. " ... wait for you to come home."
"Okay." Lee gave her a kiss and reluctantly went to the shuttle.
On his way over to Cloud 9 he kept thinking about Alicia. Her behavior was probably understandable considering everything that happened the past few weeks, but with her history he didn't think he would ever stop worrying about her.
XXXXXXX
He stopped worrying the second his eyes fell on Kara. She stood at the bar, dressed in a beautiful blue dress. She looked amazing. Seeing her like this pushed all his thoughts about Alicia out of his mind. Slowly he walked towards her, taking in every sight of her.
"So uhm ..." He stammered when he had reached her, not knowing what to say. "That bum knee of yours is looking pretty good." He mentally kicked himself. Why was he talking about her knee? "And the other one's not too bad either." He groaned inwardly. Somehow his brain must have stopped working at seeing Kara like this.
Kara just smiled at Lee's stammering. She had seldom seen him at a loss for words. She had wanted to prove to him that she could dress up fine. She had never expected him to react like this.
"Lee, if you want to ask me to dance, just ask." As soon as she had spoken the words, she cursed herself. Lee was here with his wife, so why would he want to dance with her? Alicia probably looked ten times better than her.
"You want to dance?" Lee asked, holding his hand. Hesitantly Kara accepted. She just couldn't believe this was happening. She had never danced with Lee before.
"Me in a dress is a once in a lifetime opportunity." She said joking, trying to hide her insecurity.
They danced in silence. Kara thought about asking where Alicia was, but she didn't want to ruin this moment. Dancing with Lee felt like they never did anything else in their lives. There was no place for Alicia right now. It was just her and Lee. Not Starbuck and Apollo. They were simply Kara and Lee. Dancing together. Smiling she leaned her head on Lee's shoulder.
"May I cut in?"
Surprised Kara turned around, looking at Gaius Baltar, their new Vice President and probably the slimiest person she had ever met. She was just about to give a smug reply, when she heard Lee.
"Of course."
He let go of her and before she knew what was happening, she found herself in the arms of Baltar. She could do nothing but watch Lee walk through the dancing couples until she lost sight of him. Just like that he had left her.
Two songs later she was still dancing with Baltar. She had thought about ending it with this song, when she saw Lee standing at the bar, talking with Racetrack. Laughing with Racetrack. He didn't look sad at all that he wasn't dancing with her anymore. Of course he wasn't, he didn't need her. He was happily married. This dance hadn't meant anything to him.
When Baltar asked her for the next dance, she agreed.
XXXXXXX
Lee didn't stay at the party for long. It hurt more than he was willing to admit to see Kara dancing with Baltar. He had tried to get his mind off of Kara with listening to some fun story Racetrack was telling him. It wasn't working. He let out a laugh from time to time, but he wasn't really aware of what she was saying. If he didn't know better, he'd say he was jealous. But that was ridiculous. Kara was his friend. She was Zak's fiancée. He should be happy for her. She looked like she was having fun. Granted, Baltar probably wasn't her wisest choice, but who was he to tell her who she could have fun with.
When he returned to Galactica, he found his wife still awake. She was lying in their bed, reading a book his father had given her.
"You're back early." She said, putting away the book.
"It wasn't the same without you." He mumbled as he climbed into bed.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there." She said quietly. She put his arms around him and laid her head on his chest.
"You're here now." He replied, holding her close to him. At the same time he tried desperately to push the thoughts of Kara out of his mind.
This night was the first time since he was married that he thought about Kara while sleeping with his wife.
Tbc
A.N.: Thanks to Laurie for beta reading. :) Sorry it took me so long to post this. I hope you like this chapter and thanks for all the kind reviews.