Okay, Puppets, a bit of warning - this chapter contains some icky non-con. Don't read it if you've just eaten or you're especially sensitive to those things.
Don't own, don't intend to infringe, yadda yadda...
"Once one has seen God, what is the remedy?"
- Sylvia Plath
THE MEASURE OF MAN
Chapter 14 - My Deeper Anguish
On his appearance, Kanawa gaped, his jaw stretching comically wide. He had never looked less like Hojo than in this stunned moment, and Genesis nodded as though approving this. Tseng recovered first, as Turks are trained to do, and cautious to move slowly, put himself in between Genesis and Reno.
"Relax, Commander. I'm not here to harm anyone. I serve the Goddess now, who made and loves all things. Serving Her, how can I do less?"
Kanawa was still staring open-mouthed, so Tseng asked the question. "Where have you been?"
"Ah, surprised to see me alive? I did die, at least I think I did. For these past years, I have been in Her sanctuary in Banora, growing stronger in Her presence."
"The cave," Kanawa croaked at last.
"Indeed, the cave. Your young lady friend figured it out, she's a clever one. I hope you don't mind that I destroyed your miserable clones. As you can see, they were not necessary."
He stretched out a hand to Kanawa, who touched it and found it warm and living. He quickly groped for his Medical Sense materia and used it, while Genesis obligingly stayed still and laughed softly.
"You-You're in perfect health."
"Of course I am, Doctor."
"We-We've been searching for you."
"I know, I felt it. I've been wanting to ask exactly why."
Tseng answered, as though willing to take the fall for an answer that would not please. "Sephiroth may return. And Strife cannot fight him again."
"So you think I can? Please. We're suffering the same illness, Strife and I." Genesis tossed his hair, trying for indifference and nearly achieving it. "Besides, fighting Sephiroth only delays the inevitable. He must be rescued, and that's what I came to help with."
"Can he be reclaimed? After all this time..."
"I believe so. I hope so. I don't think the Goddess would have sent me back if it were impossible."
"Welcome back, Commander."
"Still so concerned with rank, Commander? How like a Turk. By the by, you may have to reboot your doctor friend."
"I'm fine," Kanawa said hastily, shaking off his reverie of staring. "Just amazed."
"I know, I know. My photos hardly do me justice. I must remember to provide my fan club with some new ones. By the way, what exactly were you thinking, holding Strife here? You know his friends are on their merry way up here to rain fiery death on you for it."
"We thought if Strife were comatose, he would not draw Sephiroth back to the world."
"Oh. That's actually quite clever. Wrong, but clever."
"Wrong?"
"As long as Strife is alive, he will draw Sephiroth. You'd have to kill him to stop it, and that would only piss Seph off further." Genesis looked at Cloud for a long, silent few moments. "I suppose it worked out. Now Strife can receive memories of Seph from the dead, and use what he learns to change the past, just enough to give us a shot."
Tseng felt a burst of something like relief. Not enough to truly reassure him, but enough to satisfy his curiosity.
"That's what they're doing, what Reno is helping with?"
"Yes, I believe your young friend is anchoring Strife to his body, while my friends hold him to the Lifestream. Speaking of which, if you'll excuse me..."
scscscsc
There was a hint of uncharacteristic timidity to Genesis as he approached them with a hopeful smile. He need not have worried. Before he could speak, Angeal's arms were tight around him and he was being lifted almost off his feet. He hugged back, remembering Angeal's embraces and having missed them so damn much.
"'Geal."
"You brat." Angeal's voice was choked with emotion. "You were alive all this time. I kept waiting to see you."
"I've missed you. Even more than my hair care products." They stepped apart, though Angeal kept a hand on Genesis's shoulder. "'Geal, I'll never be able to say it enough. I'm so sorry."
"I forgave you, Gen. I always will, as long as you've learned to keep your hands to yourself."
"Oh, I have. Living in a cave with only the omnipotent for company tends to teach you that. My hands have gotten very acquainted with myself, if you know what I mean."
Angeal shoved him lightly, but laughed. Genesis turned to Aerith and bowed elegantly.
"My lady, a pleasure to meet a fellow servant of Gaia." She offered her hand, and giggled when he kissed it. "And Puppy. It's nice to finally see you without lusting for your blood."
Zack gently slipped past Angeal and gave Genesis a brief hug. The man was startled, but seemed pleased.
"'Geal, did you notice? I kept my hands above the waist."
"You really have changed," Zack laughed.
Last of all, Genesis turned to Cloud. He smiled beatifically, and placed a hand on Cloud's shoulder. He didn't speak until Cloud had done the same to him.
"I really do sense Sephiroth in you," Genesis said softly. "I sense a connection to him that distance can't break, and a love for him that rivals my own. Cloud Strife. I loved him first, but he chose you. I'm glad. It means he isn't meant to be alone."
Cloud was struck by the sincerity in his voice. "Genesis. I'm happy to finally meet you properly."
Genesis's blue eyes sparkled with mischief. "That's right, I was pretty naughty to you when I was serving the dark goddess. Please accept my apology."
"It's okay."
Genesis looked genuinely relieved. "If you're still accepting them, I'd like to offer a memory."
"Of course. Is it of Sephiroth?"
Genesis shook his head. "You know Seph well enough by now. I want to show you why I turned out the way I did. It's no excuse for the evil I did, but...I want you all to know."
Cloud thought back to the memories of Genesis he had seen when Genesis bit him all those years ago. One stood out, vivid and terrible, and Cloud knew that was the one Genesis intended to share. The idea chilled him.
"Are you sure?"
Genesis smiled sadly. "No more secrets between me and my loved ones. Will you receive it?"
"I'd be honored."
Genesis's cornflower-blue stare locked on Cloud's eyes, and remained as Cloud got into position. Their depths were great oceans of sadness, a lifetime of loving and heartbreak. Cloud felt, as he drifted away, that they must look very like his own.
scscscsc
"I don't want to see them. Can't I just go home with you?"
Fourteen-year-old Genesis heard a hint of a whine in his own voice, and grimaced. Nothing he despised greater than weakness, unless perhaps it was the appearance of weakness displayed to someone else. He looked at the grass between his feet. Even the beauty of springtime in Banora couldn't remove the cold feeling from his stomach, like something bad was going to happen.
"You're coming over for dinner. Before that, you should unpack. And at least let your parents know you're here."
"They won't care."
Angeal, looking almost an adult at age thirteen, took Genesis's hand and squeezed it. "They care. Even awful parents care."
"Clearly no one has taught you the meaning of 'awful'."
"We're SOLDIER 1sts now, remember. Your dad will be proud of that, if nothing else."
Genesis briefly smiled. This time off had been given in honor of their recent promotion, and it still excited him to be an elite, now famous SOLDIER, finally Sephiroth's rank.
"I wish Seph could have come with us."
"Me too," Angeal said, "but I guess they couldn't spare all of us at once. There are only three of us, after all."
"There will be more, soon. But we three will always be together, right?"
Angeal squeezed his hand once more before letting go. "Of course. You and me and Seph, friends and comrades for life."
Genesis looked wistfully into the sky. His feelings for Sephiroth went beyond friendship, had before he knew what a relationship meant or felt like, and he was quite certain he'd feel this way forever. One day, he resolved, one day soon, he'd get up the nerve to confess his feelings for Sephiroth, to plead for the chance to earn Sephiroth's own feelings. For despite what the scientists siad, Genesis was quite sure Sephiroth was capable of love. All he needed was the right person to open his heart.
Great Gaia, let me be that person.
"Gen. Go home. It'll be okay. Bring a few apples when you come over."
"I'll bring a basketful," Genesis sighed, finally resolving to go.
It was a short walk, too short a walk really, to the largest house in the village, where Genesis had grown up and where Mayor Gerald Rhapsodos still lived with his wife Eva. Genesis had always been vocal about his hatred for his meek mother, unable to respect a woman who took her husband's abuse as if she deserved it, but his feelings for his father were more complicated. On the one hand, he disliked the man for his cruelty and coldness, but he had grown up idolizing him. Even now, Genesis wanted to tell him about making 1st Class, wondered if the man would be proud of him at last.
Why do I care? Genesis asked himself, and received no answer.
He felt like a child again, opening the creaky wooden door. He expected a maid to come rushing out to greet him, but it seemed like no one was home. He took his boots off and padded quietly, suitcase in hand, to the upstairs hallway and the closed door of his father's study. He could hear movement from inside and called out in a voice that, once again, embarrassed him.
"Father? I'm home."
Only a grunt of acknowledgment answered him. He hadn't really expected much more, knowing his father, but his heart fell. Suddenly he was a little boy again, calling for his parents and being ignored.
"Fuck this," Genesis murmured to himself, and headed to his room.
The maid, at least, had prepared for his arrival. Fresh sheets were on the bed, and the room - which he always left a mess - was neat and clean. Genesis reached under his pillow and found his stuffed bear in its usual place, a childhood gift from Angeal that he used to sleep with. Still did, on the rare occasions that he was home.
It felt strange, being here. Midgar had become home, and being anywhere else for any reason but a mission felt awkward, like trying to wear someone else's clothes. The bed here seemed to belong not to him, but to the child he had once been. Genesis stared at it for a long minute, remembering illnesses and sleepovers with Angeal, before opening his suitcase and slowly putting away the few clothes he had brought. There were a few knicknacks as well that he had acquired on his travels, which he lined up on top of his bookcase. A metronome from Wutai, a crystal suncatcher from Kalm, a fragment of turquoise from Mideel. They were proof of his life as a SOLDIER, as an almost-adult, and he displayed them as though to challenge the rest of the room, make it less of a child's.
"I heard about your promotion."
The voice was gruff, nothing like Genesis's, and unmistakable. Genesis turned to the doorway to see his father standing in it, drinking a glass of bourbon.
"Father."
"It should've happened sooner, but I suppose fourteen is remarkable for a SOLDIER1st. I'm proud of you."
A small explosion seemed to take place in Genesis's chest. His father, proud, proud enough to admit it. The boy felt as happy as he had the day earlier that week, when he first put on his new black uniform, and for a few moments Genesis completely forgot his enmity toward his dad. Better yet, Gerald had closed the door and was approaching him with spread arms.
"Give your old man a hug, son."
Smiling, nearly tearing up, Genesis obeyed, pressing his face gratefully into the elder's shoulder, enjoying the bourbon and tobacco scent that characterized all his memories of his father. He couldn't remember the last time Gerald had hugged him, and part of him wanted desperately to stay in this moment forever, for only Gaia knew when the next occasion might come. Then, out of the blue, something went wrong. Gerald's hand, which had been kneading Genesis's back, slowly traveled lower.
"F-Father?"
"Be quiet."
"But - "
"You wanted my attention, didn't you?"
And he had. Gaia, he had. But not like this.
The other hand was running over the boy's smooth hair. "Always had such pretty hair. You've grown up well, Genesis."
Genesis tried to speak, but couldn't even get a croaking sound out. He didn't have long to try, as Gerald stepped back, pulled Genesis nearer and kissed him, catching the confused boy's mouth with his own. His meaty tongue pushed its way past Genesis's lips, and this was not what Genesis had done once or twice with Angeal, what he dreamed of doing with Sephiroth. This was something impersonal and cold, devoid of passion though it was fierce and hungry.
Genesis found himself joining in the kiss, moving his tongue against Gerald's, thinking it was at least attention, what he had asked for. But he froze when hands joined the lack of struggle, tugging Genesis's leather pants down, pushing his poet's shirt up and off. When Genesis stood nude before him, Gerald looked him up and down.
"So beautiful," he whispered, and Genesis shivered.
The man stripped himself of his own clothing, revealing a body that was once toned but since been softened by age and alcohol. Genesis, still frozen, honestly didn't know what was about to happen until his father spoke again.
"Get on the bed."
"F-Father..."
"Now."
Genesis obeyed, finding the satin quilt cool against his flushed body. His father crawled on top of him, looming like a fist raised to crush an insect, and Genesis looked up with a plea in his eyes. This was not what he had meant, not it at all.
"What are you afraid of? You're old enough to do this now, you've probably done it with all the other SOLDIERs." Gerald smiled, and said the next words almost lovingly. "Little whore. Look what you drive a man to."
Genesis shivered again, shuddered as Gerald began to kiss his jaw and neck, inadvertently touching some very sensitive spots. Genesis told himself that since he couldn't stop this, he might as well enjoy it like he was obviously supposed to, and he tried. It did feel good when Gerald reached between his legs and stimulated the organ that, up to now, only Genesis had touched. The man continued to kiss, now down Genesis's chest, and took a nipple into his mouth and sucked it hard, as Genesis writhed and arched up. He then did the same to the other nipple, leaving them both hard and wet, and thumbed them roughly before easing himself down Genesis's body.
"See, you want it, you slut."
Genesis cried out as his father enveloped his hardening penis. The pressure felt incredible, and Genesis understood at once why grown-ups were so fixated on sex. The combinationof heat and pressure was indescribable, and he hardened completely as Gerald began to suck. The rapture that preceded ejaculation was no stranger to Genesis, who had learned to masturbate early and did it often, but it was even stronger now, more urgent. Climax was building, approaching...then there was a disappointing cold as Gerald removed his mouth.
"Hey - " Genesis heard himself say.
"You'll come when I do, not before." Gerald took some lotion from Genesis's bedside table and spread it over his fingers. "You're lucky I'm preparing you, I doubt you need it."
Genesis had only a moment to wonder what preparation his father was talking about. In seconds, his legs were being shoved up on top of Gerald's shoulders, and something cold and wet was inside him, probing with very little, if any, gentleness.
"Hurts," he whispered.
"Fuck, you're tight. Mako must keep you that way."
Another finger, and this one brushed against something that made Genesis let out a loud, needy moan. Gerald smiled triumphantly, and the look on his father's face made Genesis feel very much like a whore. He couldn't help how good this felt...did that mean he wanted it? He wished it would stop, but couldn't manage the courage to ask his father to end this.
I wanted his attention. I must have wanted this. Does this happen to Sephiroth, does it go this far? How does he handle it?
Three fingers now, rough as ever, and Genesis's whole lower body was trembling. He felt aroused, no use denying that, and desperately wanted something big and thick inside him, filling him up and banishing this empty feeling, this inner ache. He was almost relieved when Gerald positioned himself and began to enter, not going slowly enough to avoid pain, but there was pleasure too as the emptiness was filled, as all the nerves inside him were rubbed and set afire. With his hands on Genesis's limp arms, Gerald towered over him, breathing heavily and looking satisfied, and he rested still a moment once he was all the way in.
"Gods," Genesis groaned, in a little pain, but mostly not.
"Fuck, you feel good."
The pain increased as he began to thrust, but the pleasure did too, and soon Genesis found himself falling into the rhythm of their rocking, pushing up to meet his father's downward thrust. His head felt hot, his chest was on fire. There was a sick sort of feeling in his stomach, but Genesis was trying not to think about that. It got worse when Gerald leaned down to kiss him, but Genesis obediently opened his mouth, and groaned softly into it.
"Knew you'd like this, always knew..."
Do I? The question seemed too big and complicated to ever be answered. The only thing Genesis was certain about was that he wanted Angeal. He wanted to be somewhere else, with Angeal's arm around his shoulders. But Father is right. I asked for this, didn't I? Why else would he pay attention to me at all?
The familiar rush was building again, stronger than ever. He was achingly, almost painfully hard, and he wanted to come, so much that his other wants and needs were blotted out. Gerald was breathing in pants, heavier and faster as the seconds dragged on, and he began to move faster, unaware or uncaring of the blood that was dripping out of Genesis and onto the quilt.
"That's it, good boy."
Genesis felt a thrill of happiness to hear these rare words, but nothing could distract him long. The urge was increasing, a dam preparing to burst. Fiunally it reached its zenith, and Genesis came hard and with a moan of relief as he spurted hard into the space between their bodies. The contraction of Genesis's muscles put Gerald over the edge as well, as soon Genesis felt his insides being filled with hot fluid. Gerald collapsed on top of the boy for a few moments, catching his breath, then propped himself back up and pulled out, then stood uneasily and began to dress.
"I don't suppose I need tell you that this is our secret."
Genesis shook his head.
"You don't want anyone to know how depraved you really are."
Genesis said nothing, merely lay nude on his bed with his father's semen drying on his thighs. Of course he was depraved, he thought, he'd just enjoyed sex with his own father. No one could ever know.
"Father?"
"What?" Gerald said, a touch impatiently.
"Do you...love me?"
The man laughed, and not in a kindly way. "Of course. Why else would I bother with you? Why else would I do what we just did?"
"Thank you," Genesis said, shocked by the dullness in his voice. "That's what I thought."
"Your mother will be home tomorrow, so we'll celebrate your homecoming then. I suppose you'll be spending today with Hewley."
Genesis sat up slowly, and nodded. "I'm going to Angeal's for dinner."
"Good. I have important papers to go over and I need quiet. Get dressed."
Gerald left the room and closed the door behind him, gone as quickly as he'd appeared. Zombie-like, Genesis shuffled to his bathroom and showered, not scrubbing himself any harder than usual, and being especially gentle with his aching bottom. It felt good to wash away the sweat that had come during the sex act.
Sex. I'm not a virgin anymore. Funny. He'd always thought this milestone would feel better, hoped it would be shared with Sephiroth. I'm not a virgin anymore, and I can't even tell 'Geal.
Once he was clean and his hair was washed and conditioned, Genesis toweled off and put on some loose-fitting, comfortable clothes. In his bedroom, he was drawn to the rumpled bed linen, straightening it out and removing the soiled quilt to the laundry for the maid to wash. What would she think of the blood stain in the center? Genesis found that he didn't much care.
Very suddenly, he wanted fresh air, wanted it as much as he had ever desired anything. He nearly flew down the stairs, thrust open the front door and gulped in the cool Banora air like he had been deprived of oxygen. The day was beautiful, like all the days of his youth he'd spent here with Angeal, but it all seemed unreal somehow, like the simulations they trained with in the holographic rooms.
Angeal, he thought numbly. Angeal. I'm going to Angeal's for dinner. I said I'd bring apples.
He took a basket from a nearby pile and began to fill it, thanking Gaia there were plenty on the low branches so there was no need to go find a ladder. The apple smell of the trees was comforting, always had been, and he inhaled it gratefully. Then he fell to his knees, the basket dropped, and he was choking out ropes of vomit, feeling like it would never stop.
"Gen? Gen!"
Angeal's voice, and Genesis felt so happy to hear it that he started to cry. Once his stomach was emptied of breakfast and lunch, he continued to dry-heave for a little while, as Angeal rubbed his back and spoke soothingly to him.
"Gaia, Gen, are you okay?"
"I'm fine," the elder boy managed. "Better now."
"Did something happen? Was it your dad?"
"No...I think it was just something I ate." Genesis wiped his mouth and smiled uneasily. "And all that jostling around on the chopper."
"Are you sure?"
"Absolutely."
"You should lay down. Come on, you can take a nap in my bed."
Genesis could have kissed him for not suggesting he go to his own room. "Will you lay with me?"
"Of course, as long as you want."
Angeal gently helped his best friend up, slung an arm around his back and began to walk him toward the small Hewley residence. A few tears escaped Genesis's eyes as a familiar feeling of security washed over him, the smell of stew cooking, the welcoming smile of Gillian, the feel of Angeal. Here was truly home.
As expected, Gillian fussed over Genesis, tucking he and Angeal into bed, feeling his head, bringing them tea. Genesis thanked her warmly for everything, with a sincerity his own parents rarely saw from him. When dinner time came, the boys ate sitting up in the bed, and laid back down once they were finished. Angeal's presence was better than any potion, and Genesis felt very nearly himself again.
"Sleep here tonight."
"Happily." Genesis took Angeal's hand and held it to his heart. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me, you know."
Angeal laughed. "You'll say the same thing to whoever you fall in love with."
"Won't."
"Will."
"Won't!"
"Okay, okay." Angeal kissed Genesis's forehead. "Sleep. I'll be right here."
Genesis closed his eyes and began to drift. "You really are the best, 'Geal. I love you."
"I love you too."
scscscsc
Once Genesis drifted off in the memory, Cloud opened his eyes and found Angeal hugging Genesis so hard that he was lifting him clear off the floor. Zack was watching with leaking eyes, and Cloud felt tears streaming down his own face. He had known what the memory would be, but still wasn't prepared for something so horrifying.
"So that was what was wrong that day," Angeal wept softly. "Damn it, why didn't you tell me?"
"Because you'd have killed him."
"Damn right I would have."
"Because I couldn't bear the thought of anyone knowing I didn't say no."
Angeal pulled back enough to hold Genesis by the shoulders, and for Cloud to see his pained brown eyes. "That doesn't mean it was right. He had no right to do that to you, no matter what you said or didn't say."
Genesis smiled sadly. "'Geal. You still make me feel better."
"What a fucked-up dad," Zack said, shaking his head. "Genesis, I'm so sorry. If I'd known, I..."
"No, Puppy, what happened to me doesn't absolve me of all the awful things I did. I just wanted you all to see where it started, to help you understand." Genesis turned to Cloud, fixed him with a solemn gaze. "Because I didn't resist, I ignored resistance. Because I had been fair game, everyone else was."
"I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve that."
"Thank you."
Aerith slipped closer to them and wordlessly put her arms around Genesis. He seemed surprised, but hugged her back, and a single tear fell from one of his bright blue eyes.
Okay, I'm so glad that's over, ugh. To be continued.