Total Drama Returns
*ahem*
Er… I mean, TOTAL EZEKIEL ISLAND!
The Cheesebub's Message: The longest time to update, but the longest chapter to date. Cheers, I guess. I dunno, there's just something weird about Ezekiel running the island. But it's kind of awesome, too. There's also a new poll up on my profile, asking what the name of my OC story should be called. Remember, this will be a story where YOU send in characters to compete in Total Drama. This is also a very heavy chapter on numerous characters.
Also, an era has ended in Survivor: Redemption Island. Russel Hantz has finally been eliminated from the game. A moment of silence.
(Silence)
Panda Reaper—Don't worry about Trent. He'll have a better plan soon enough. He is the main antagonist, after all.
Noah914—I kind of stopped doing the Geoff and cereal thing, because it didn't seem to get any positive reaction. But now that you said that… I'll try to put it in my story more.
TotalDramaKingdomHearts—Duncan could double cross the rebellion at one point. It all depends on how heartfelt I want this day to be. And where Noah could possibly be… You'll see in a minute.
Anonymous Reader—Hmm, a Geoff fan. It seems they're becoming fewer and fewer by the day. Well, about his stay on the island—I can't guarantee how long it will be, but it will certainly be an eventful one.
HexMaster—Thanks for the flattering review! I rarely get those now.
Here's another thing to remember: More review equals quicker updates. This is my latest update yet. Hopefully you'll take the short time to say something about my fic. It can be as short as "This Rocks" or as long as "This is the greatest piece ever invented; it seriously makes me worship the human race for its writing abilities. If you were a writing god, you'd be the Zeus, Hades, and Poseidon all combined. I love you, I love you, I love you! Can I get all your personal records? Like your birth certificate?" Well, it actually shouldn't be that flattering. I also accept negative comments, but nothing that insults me as a person, though. Because I'm a pretty awesome person, even if I suck at writing.
Ezekiel: Welcome to Total Ezekiel Island, eh! Previously, along with me pals Heather, Duncan, and Eva, I knocked Chris and Chef unconscious and enslaved the campers, forcing them to play a new version of Total Drama! The challenges will be brutaler, the food even more disgusting… speaking of which, mad props to Duncan for having so much experience with prison food, eh. Can they survive what me new show has to throw at them? We'll find oot! Right here on Total Ezekiel Island! EH!
Day 4 Part 2—Chapter 14: Total Ezekiel Island?
Screaming Ivy Cell
Courtney: I can't believe they've turned our cabins into jail cells, and locked us inside! It's completely vulgar! Don't they know how to handle a lady? (She turns to Gwen and her eyes narrow.) This is your entire fault, you know! If it weren't for you and your stupid plan to go to Chris, we might not have ended up like this!
Gwen: They would've captured us either way! Now we just need to sit back and think of an escape plan.
Justin: Yes, quick, please! Being boarded up with all these body odors is making my skin shrivel up! (He takes out some lotion and starts rubbing it all over himself.)
Trent: Okay, if you're so smart, you come up with an escape plan!
Courtney: Yeah, Ms. "Leader"!
Gwen: Why is it always just me? Why can't you two help, for once? All you do is criticize everything I do!
Trent: Hey, it's my talent. (Gwen glares at him.)
Izzy: Guys, don't worry! I can totally bust us out of here! All I need is twelve sticks of dynamite and some chewing gum.
Cody: I've got some chewing gum. (He takes a saliva coated wad of gum out of his pants.)
Beth: Uh… why was that in your pants?
Cody (winking at her): Safe keeping. (He hands it to Izzy.)
Izzy: Nice! (She pops it in her mouth, much to the disgust of the rest of her teammates.) Mmm… minty fresh. Now, I just need the dynamite.
Courtney: Yeah right, like we'd actually let you get your hands on explosives.
Alejandro: How about an explosively handsome man like myself? (He wiggles his eyebrows up and down seductively.)
Courtney: Are you having facial spasms? You should really get that checked. (Alejandro sighs and slaps his hand to his forehead. Suddenly, the door opens.)
Justin: Yes! Escape! (He hurtles out the open door. A few seconds later, he flies back in. Duncan follows close behind, wiping his hands off. He takes out a bowl of soup and a ladle.)
Duncan: Everybody form a line. Lunchtime. (He stirs the soup, and a noxious scent floats up into the air from it.)
Courtney: You disgusting bastard! You expect us to eat that?
Duncan: It's the only food you'll be getting.
Cody: Hey, it can't hurt to try. (He grabs the ladle and stuffs it in his mouth. Immediately, he throws up right back into the bowl.)
Duncan: Nice! A new ingredient! (He stirs it up even more.)
Gwen: Why are you doing this? Invading the island? (Duncan glances at her and swallows nervously.)
Duncan: For er… fame. For glory. For the great pride of having done something with my life!
Courtney: In other words, he has no idea why he's doing this. (Duncan takes a sip from the soup.)
Duncan: Hm. Needs more zest. (He starts clipping his toenails, and then empties them into the pot.) Don't you guys ever get sick of this game?
Justin: Well, duh. Who doesn't?
Duncan: Well that's why we're doing this! To stop the reign of terror that is Chris Mclean! To end Total Drama!
Trent: But now you guys are just running the game! How is it any different?
Duncan: Oh, it is. In many ways. For one, we care about the well-being of our campers. (As he says this, he empties chunks of lead into the soup.)
Beth: Isn't lead poisonous to humans?
Duncan: Oh, maybe, I dunno. But can't you tell? We completely care about your well-being! Now who wants to try the soup again? (The campers reluctantly grab a bowl and Duncan ladles a serving into each of them. Gwen is the last person in line.)
Duncan (to Gwen): How are you, my gorgeous? (In response, Gwen grabs the bowl of soup and smashes it into his face. She walks away, wiping her hands off. Even Courtney can't help but grin at this.)
Lindsay: Aw, why does he get a facial?
Duncan: Is that how it is, Gwen? Huh?
Gwen: We're through.
Duncan: We're through? Because I just want a second chance at the game?
Gwen: You don't take down Chris and Chef, and then lock us in our cabins! Maybe that's the kind of stuff you learned in prison, but I don't want any part of it.
Duncan: But—
Gwen: No, Duncan. It's over.
Cody: Hooray! (He runs over to Duncan and starts shaking his hand fiercely.) Pleasure doin' business with ya! (He then shoves the punk away, and wraps his arm around Gwen.)
Confession Cam
Cody: This seriously calls for a celebration! (He takes out a party hat and puts it on.) I was saving this for our marriage, but now's as good a time as any. Cheers!
Gwen: Yeah, I broke up with Duncan. So what? He can't just break into camp and treat me like dirt, then expect me to just fall right back into his arms! Only problem now is, Cody's gonna get the wrong idea. (Suddenly, Cody sticks his head out of the toilet.)
Cody: Hi, Gwen!
Gwen: Gah! What are you doing in there?
Cody: I dunno, I just knew you'd be coming in next. Please, don't mind me. Continue with your confessing. (Gwen glares at him, and then flushes the toilet. Cody gets sucked back in, screaming all the way. Gwen turns back to the camera.)
Gwen: Like I said, he's gonna get the wrong idea.
End of Confessionals
(Noah is rolling through the forest, completely lost.)
Noah: I've been lost for hours, and nobody has even noticed I'm gone! Am I really that boring? (He looks at the cameraman.)
Noah: Why the heck are you just filming me? Mind giving me directions?
Camera Cam: 99 bottles of beer on the wall… 99 bottles of beer…
Noah: Never mind.
Confession Cam
Noah: Of course Chris wouldn't have enough money to get actually decent cameramen. Instead, he just gets ones who are drunk out of their minds.
End of Confessionals
Noah: Lost, hungry, tired…
?: Psst! Noah!
Noah: Gah! Who's there!
?: Come down in the ditch to the right of you!
Noah: Why?
?: Just come on down!
Noah: Why?
?: Just do it!
Noah: I would like a reason, thank you very much.
?: Fine. This is Chris, OK? I'm hiding with Chef. Now can you come down?
Noah: Do I win invincibility if I do?
Chris: Fine! Whatever! Just c'mere! (Noah sighs and rolls his wheelchair down into the ditch. There, sitting in the center, are Chris and Chef, covered in dirt and leaves.)
Chef: Listen, scrawny, the camp's been taken over by Homeschool, The Bitch, Mohawk Boy, and Muscles.
Noah: Can't you just take time to remember our names?
Chef: No! Now SHUT UP! We need to take the camp back for ourselves!
Chris: Yeah! Only I have the right to torture the campers! Man, I really wanted to do that challenge… (His shoulders slump, and it looks as if he is fighting back tears.)
Chef: There there… (He pats the host on the back. When this isn't enough, he takes Chris in his arms and starts rocking him back and forth, chanting a lullaby.)
Noah: Can you just tell me what the plan is?
Chef: Shh… the baby's sleeping.
Killer Redwood Cell (Females)
Bridgette: Why would sweet, innocent Ezekiel do something like this? Locking us up?
Leshawna: What do you expect from a boy like that? He's a sexist pig! And he's about ten miles off the deep end, if ya know what I mean.
Sadie: The windows are boarded, the doors nailed shut…
Katie: I don't wanna die like this!
Sadie: Neither do I!
Sierra: Girls, calm down. Duncan should be coming with the soup in 5… 4… 3…2…1… (The door slams open, and Duncan walks in, with a huge bowl of soup.)
Bridgette (whispering to Sierra): How did you know that?
Sierra: I know the exact coordinates of every single contestant at any given moment. It's a gift of mine.
Duncan: That's disturbing. Grab a tray, get your food. (He sighs and sits down on Bridgette's bed.)
Bridgette: Why are you sitting your dirty backside down on my bed?
Duncan: I'm just a little depressed right now, okay?
Bridgette: Ha! Why would you be depressed? You're not the one who's been locked up for the past three hours!
Duncan: Gwen broke up with me, okay?
Leshawna (sarcastically): I can't imagine why. (Sierra sees Duncan and squeals.)
Sierra: Duncan! Can you sign my chest?
Duncan (a perverted gleam in his eyes): Don't mind if I do. (Sierra runs over excitedly, but is halted by Leshawna.)
Leshawna: Don't get near him, sister. He'll probably give you HIV just by touching him. He's a traitor, to boot.
Duncan: I just wanted some respect! That's the only reason I stayed! I didn't want to go out the way I did.
Leshawna: Listen, you're never gonna get my girl Gwen to fall for you, again, Duncan. You're a slimeball, and she knows it.
Duncan: Yeah, I know. I'm sooo horrible.
Sadie: So what's the next challenge?
Duncan: How should I know? I was never included in any of the plans. (He starts to pout.) But I gotta tell ya, I caught a glimpse of Ezekiel's plans. It's not pretty.
Leshawna: I will take that fool's plans and shove em up his ass! Then I'll take that stupid toque of his and stuff it down his throat!
Duncan: I wouldn't say that if I were you. He has cameras running. He can hear everything you say.
Leshawna: Good! Then I'll also let him know what else I plan to do to him! (And with that, she picks up Duncan, who struggles in her iron grasp. She points to the punk.) This is you, Ezekiel. (She carries Duncan over to the pot.)
Duncan: Wait, what are you doing—(He is cut off when Leshawna stuffs his head in. Duncan flails about as his face is engulfed in his disgusting soup. With the pot still stuck to his face, Duncan is hurled out of the cabin by Leshawna, boring a hole straight through the door to the cabin.)
Leshawna (dusting her shirt off): And that's how I role!
Sierra: You shouldn't have done that. (She is hyperventilating.) I had every Total Drama signature, except Duncan's! Now I will never get it! NEVER!
Katie: Calm down, Sierra. It's just a signature.
Sierra: Just a signature? I'm not a scholar unless I have remembered every Total Drama signature! Trent does a big T, flavored by random counter-clockwise squiggles. You, Leshawna, write out your full name, Leshawna Lefonda Jones, especially emphasizing the A's, O's, and N's. DJ scribbles his name eight times, interweaving the D's and the J's in a chainmail-esque criss-crossing pattern. Gwen smudges her name as she pens it, giving it the shape of a black storm cloud. Cody dots his I's with hearts, even though he doesn't have any in his name. Owen just draws a big banana, because of his eternal hunger. Tyler scribbles out an incomprehensible scrawl because he barely even knows how to write—
Leshawna: OK! We get it! Now please shut your mouth!
Confession Cam
Leshawna: Sierra's the next to go. Her knowledge of everybody is not only creepy, it's utterly disturbing! But I'm sure the Leshawna can form an alliance, and get rid of that stalker for good.
Sierra: If I know one thing, it's that Leshawna is the most overrated character in the game. I mean, seriously? Her likability index isn't exactly positive, she hasn't held down an alliance for more than 2 ½ episodes, and her personal hygiene… well let's just say it's not exactly exemplary.
End of Confessionals
(Duncan wakes up, and wobbles around for a bit. Then he grabs onto the pot, and rips it off his face.)
Duncan (his face coated in brown sludge): Uggh… what happened? (Suddenly, a voice crackles to life in the Bluetooth strapped to his ear.)
Ezekiel: Duncan! Have you finished feeding the campers their inedible slop?
Duncan: I'm almost done. But that Leshawna… I want her to pay.
Ezekiel: Why? I kinda like her "bootalous" body. Is that what you say?
Duncan: Enough with the trying to decipher modern hip teen terms! You will never, ever figure out how to speak like us!
Ezekiel: That's not true! I aint stoppin till I'm in the "out" crew!
Duncan: In crew.
Ezekiel: In crew! Now go finish your rounds, and then we can start the challenge.
Duncan: Can do.
Ezekiel: Can do, sir.
Duncan: The day I call you sir is the day I stab myself.
Ezekiel: Oh, don't do that! According to polls, 5 % of teens who commit suicide commit it before the age of—(Duncan shuts off the Bluetooth angrily. But then he looks through the window of the Killer Redwoods Male Side of the Cabin, sees Harold playing Nintendo DS, and starts to grin.)
Confession Cam
Duncan: Whenever I'm feeling down, pulling a good prank on Harold always cheers me up.
End of Confessionals
Killer Redwoods Cell (Males)
DJ: What do you think they're gonna do to us?
Tyler: I dunno, but if they don't bring food fast, I don't think Owen's gonna make it. (The giant ball of fat is now having to resort to stuffing handfuls of cough drops in his mouth and chugging bottles of cough syrup. Suddenly, the door slams open, and in walks Duncan.)
Duncan: Don't worry guys, the food is served! Bon appétit! (And with that, he dumps the soup on Harold's lap, coating his Nintendo DS in it.)
Harold: No! Not Georgina! Not my dear Nintendo!
Owen: Food! (He runs over and starts lapping up the soup off of Harold's lap.)
Geoff: That isn't cereal!
Duncan: You're right, Geoff, it's not cereal. Great observation. (Geoff's lower lip starts to tremble.)
Geoff: You don't know what it's like, being deprived of cereal for so long… WHY? WHY? (Meanwhile, Harold is inspecting the circuitry of his Nintendo DS.)
Harold: Great, just great… The main chip is completely corroded from the chemical imbalance of the soup. (He turns to Duncan.) What's your problem, man? Have you no respect for others?
Tyler: Yeah! You're a douche with a capital… uh… C!
Duncan: I've already had two pots of soup stuffed into my face. You shouldn't be complaining.
Owen: I'm not! This soup is great! (He continues to lick Harold's lap.)
Harold: Uh… Owen? You're making me feel a little uncomfortable, here.
Owen: Why? Don't you like soup, too? (Meanwhile, DJ is twitching nervously.)
DJ: Duncan, do you when the challenge is?
Duncan: It should be in a few minutes.
Tyler: I can't wait to compete! This Tyler's rarin' to go! (He jumps up, and punches the wall of the cabin. A sickening thud is heard, and Tyler raises his hand, revealing his fingers to be sticking in every which way. He then bursts into tears.)
Duncan: I've had enough of you wimps. I'm leaving. (He walks out of the cabin and slams the door.)
Tyler: Somebody get me a Band-Aid! I need a Band-Aid! (Suddenly, a voice crackles over the intercom.)
Heather: This is your lady Heather speaking. Please, all of you imbeciles, gather at the campfire pit in ten minutes, unless that's too complicated to travel to your thick skulls. (The intercom shuts off. With this announcement, Tyler hops up and starts jumping up and down.)
Tyler: No injuries are gonna hold this Tyler back! Get ready! (He springs at the doorway, and slams into the closed door.) Oh. I should probably open it. (He opens the door, and jumps out again. However, this time he slams into the railing, which makes him spill over it onto the ground in front of the cabin, landing on his head with an earth-shaking thud.)
Confession Cam
Tyler: Sometimes, I feel like I'm only here for the slapstick. But no. That can't be right! They picked me because I'm the ultimate athlete! (He unleashes a kick at the toilet, but his foot rebounds off of it and slams into his face.)
Harold: I will get my revenge on that Duncan. Just you wait. You think you're so funny. Let's see how you like it when someone messes with your love life. (He takes out a barrel, unscrews it. He takes the lid off, and finds it empty.) Darn it! My plan doesn't work this time! I wonder why?
End of Confessionals
(The campers have all gathered at the campfire pit. Ezekiel stands in front of them, upon a stage. Behind him stand Heather, Duncan, and Eva.)
Ezekiel: Welcome to Total Ezekiel Island! This is Camp Wawanakwa, your home for the next eight weeks. The campers sitting around you will be your cabin mates, your competition, and maybe even your friends. Ya dig? The camper who manages to—
Sierra: Shut up! You're completely ripping off of Chris's speech! Only those words can be uttered from his mouth!
Ezekiel: Whatever. You guys know the rules! Just remember. The winner will receive a glorious prize of $100,000!
Heather: Why should we give it to them? Why don't we just keep the money for ourselves, and spend it however we want?
Ezekiel: Great idea!
Leshawna: Then what will we get for winnn' this stupid competition?
Ezekiel: The pride and integrity of winning and having proven yourself to the world, eh!
Gwen: I'd rather lose than win that.
Heather: And I'm sure we would all love to see you go. It's only unfortunate that I can't rig the votes.
Duncan: Actually, you can. The voting box is right over there. (He points to his left.) You can rig the votes any time you like.
Heather (a malicious glint in her eyes): This game just got a whole lot more fun to host.
Alejandro: But you would not rig the votes, mi novia.
Lindsay: What's a novia?
Alejandro: Novia. You must always remember the italics. And it is Spanish for "girlfriend". (Everybody gasps at this. Heather freezes up.)
Heather: We're… we're not… he's not… he's not my boyfriend!
Alejandro: But… what about the kiss?
Heather: What kiss? There was no kiss! Now shut up before I choose you as the next one to go! (Alejandro nods quietly, and steps back.)
Confession Cam
Alejandro: I am taken aback that Heather does not want to profess our love to the world! All the girls want me and my beautiful diaphragm. (He expands his diaphragm so much that it breaks through his shirt) What girl would not want to brag about owning a man with this body?
End of Confessionals
Leshawna: Okay, so I think we all understand how f**ked up this game is. Can we please get on with the show?
Ezekiel: Fine, my bootalicious beauty. Is that how you say it, eh? I think it is! Booyah, eh!
Leshawna: Don't you be callin' me bootalicious! Now give us some legitimate reasons about why the heck you're here!
Ezekiel: I am here for redemption. For power. For courage. And you will play by my rules, or pay the price, eh! Now, who's ready to start the reward challenge?
Gwen: I'll pass.
Trent: I don't feel like it.
Lindsay: Do we have to?
Katie: I'm tired. I don't want to do this!
Sadie: Me too!
Cody: Uh, I have bad constipation. Can barely move.
Geoff: Cereal this morning… gave me stomach problems.
Beth: It's the retainer. I can't play.
Justin: It says right here on page 27 that I do not have to perform in any life-threatening tasks issued by nose-picking, vitamin-lacking Canandians wearing stupid toques.
Ezekiel: I'm pretty sure you just wrote that in, eh.
Justin: Whatever! Now I have to go moisturize my face.
Leshawna: Fool, if you think we'd ever play your game, you've got a whole nother thing comin'!
Tyler: I wanna play! I'm totally pumped!
Ezekiel: Finally, some enthusiasm. And for the rest of you… why don't you explain that to Eva? (He points to feral Eva, rattling the bars of the cage she is sitting in.)
DJ: This is blackmail!
Ezekiel: You're right. It is. You know your stuff, eh.
Duncan: C'mon, you losers, how different is it from playing Chris's game?
Courtney: That is true…
Ezekiel: That's the spirit! Now who wants to win a reward? (He holds up a sock.)
Katie: How is that a reward?
Ezekiel: Hey, this is a legitimate sock, eh! Who wouldn't want it?
Bridgette: We want a real prize.
Ezekiel: Fine, fine, you asked. (He holds up a pair of underwear.)
Gwen: That's not a prize, either!
Ezekiel: Then what is a prize to you ladies?
Duncan: I've got it! If your team wins the reward challenge, you don't get fed through grinders!
Gwen: This is messed up. If you "hosts" can't come up with something, I'm leaving.
Heather: Here's an idea: if your team wins, you get to all beat up Gwen! That's fun!
Leshawna: OK, that's it! (She lunges at Heather, but slams into something invisible. She hits the ground, moaning.)
Heather: Ha! Like we'd actually just talk to you out in the open without an invisible glass wall separating us!
Leshawna: Why, you! I'll break that glass if it means getting to strangle your scrawny neck!
Ezekiel: Everybody, settle down. I have an idea, eh. The reward for this challenge will be... you all get to be locked in a room with Heather, and get to do whatever you want to her.
Heather: WHAT?
Leshawna: Ha! Sounds good!
Gwen: This challenge actually just got fun.
Bridgette: When do we start?
Ezekiel (turning to Heather and grinning slyly): Well, that just sparked some enthusiasm. (Heather just stomps away, pouting.)
Geoff: So what will the challenge be, dude?
Ezekiel: It's actually rather simple, eh. You all start holding just one metal sheet up. Every five minutes, we add another one on. The person who can survive the longest without dropping their stack of sheets wins!
Leshawna: Simple. I like it. Well, let's get this show on the road!
Trent: Wait, I have a question. Can we kick other people to make them drop their sheets?
Ezekiel: You really are sadistic. And the answer is… of course, eh!
Trent: Nice.
Tyler: Heh. This doesn't sound too hard!
Ezekiel: Oh, you'll see soon enough how hard it is…
Confession Cam
Tyler: I was seriously stoked! Finally, a challenge to prove my strength!
Ezekiel: In the beating sun… the hot air… well let's just say those metal sheets start to "cook". That is where it gets sadistic.
End of Confessionals
Ezekiel: Campers ready! Get ready for the first sheet! (The campers are standing in the middle of a blacktop, the sun beating down on them.) Countdown from 3! 3… 2…
Lindsay: OK! I can't take it anymore! (She falls to the ground.) Wow! Lifting is really hard! My arms feel like wet noodles!
Ezekiel: I haven't even dropped the first weight, yet, eh. You weren't lifting anything!
Lindsay: I was lifting air! And it was really heavy air!
Ezekiel: Whatever, eh. You're out. Now we'll actually start the competition. 3…2…1… go! (A sheet of metal is placed on each of the campers' hands.)
Owen: Ha! I can take this, no sweat! (Right after he says this, he starts to sweat!) Dang, it's hot out here!
Geoff: Heh. It's not too bad. (He looks down, and sees his bare feet are starting to smoke.) HOT! (And with that, he runs to the bathroom.)
Confession Cam
Geoff (dipping his feet in the toilet): Ah. That's better. (He looks down at the toilet water and screams.) Dang! Someone forgot to flush the toilet!
End of Confessionals
Leshawna: What are you doing, Harold? You can't win a challenge like that! (Harold, whose hands are too preoccupied playing Nintendo DS, is balancing the metal sheet on his head.)
Harold: Actually, I am like a stork. I can balance anything upon my skull.
Leshawna: No you can't!
Harold: Yes I can. It is mostly due to my relatively flat head. It can balance most objects.
Leshawna: Whatever. Excuse me for a moment, sugar baby. (She kicks her foot backwards, right into the crotch of Trent, who is trying to sneak up on her. He keels over, and the metal sheet slams into his head, knocking him out.)
Leshawna: Thought you could sneak up on me? Well, how about that, fool!
Ezekiel: End of Roond 1! So Geoff, Trent, and Lindsay are out! Here comes the second sheet, eh! (The second sheet of metal drops down. With this new extra weight, Cody's legs start to wobble.)
Gwen: Not so tough now, are you, Cody?
Cody: Heh, babe, I can go like this all day!
Gwen: Yeah, it seems like you've been working out. Can you flex your muscles for me?
Cody: Oh, yeah, babe! Anything you say! (He proudly flexes his muscles. However, he lets go of the sheets when he does this, and they fall down on him, squishing him like a bug.)
Gwen: Hm. Not so tough now, are you?
Tyler: I'm still tough! (He lunges at her, and misses completely, slamming into the ground and hurling his metal sheets in two different directions. The first one slams into Sierra, and the second one slams into DJ, making both of them fall over.)
Bridgette: Tyler! Why'd you do that? You just knocked out two players on our team!
Tyler: Oops.
Ezekiel: End of Roond 2! Now, on to Roond 3! There are only twelve people left, eh! (The third metal sheet drops down. Ezekiel stares at the remaining campers expectantly, but not a single one drops their sheets.)
Ezekiel: Hm. I think we might have to crank the sun up a nootch. (He presses a button on his remote control, and the sun starts to glare even harder.)
Owen: Hot! (He sweats even more, and a huge puddle of perspiration forms underneath him.)
Courtney: How are you even able to do that?
Ezekiel: Magic, eh. Let's see what sort of hilarity ensues now!
Beth: The metal plates! They're starting to get hot!
Ezekiel: Oh, yes. Oh, yes. MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Harold: The sun does not affect me. (He continues to play Nintendo DS, when suddenly, it shuts off.) Wait… what happened? (He reaches into the game slot and takes out the game chip. It is completely melted and disfigured.) Oh no! It warped! And this is my best PacMan game, too! (He pushes the metal plates off his head, and runs away, crying.)
Courtney: Well, I'm not giving up. A little sun doesn't stop me! (She reaches into her pockets for a second, resting the plates on one hand, and takes out oven mitts. She puts them on, and continues to hold up the sheets, now with hand protection.)
Leshawna: Why you little… Ezekidork, or what ever your name is, are you gonna allow this?
Ezekiel: What? (He is too busy picking his nose)
Leshawna: Whatever. I'll just have to take care of this myself! (She takes an aggressive step towards Courtney.)
Courtney: Back off, ghetto girl. You stand no match against me.
Leshawna: You think I don't? Get ready for a boatload of hell, sister. (They slowly inch towards each other. Meanwhile, Owen's sweat puddle is slowly moving across the blacktop. Justin takes a step back, and slips on the stuff, landing on his back with a crash.)
Justin: Ow! My back!
Owen: No! Not Justin! WHY? (The puddle moves forward, and Alejandro slips on it as well.)
Alejandro: I am down! I am down!
Owen: NO! Why must the two hottest guys on the island have thanks to me? WHY? (He realizes everybody is staring at him.)
Owen: Uh… because, I mean, it's uh… hot out! It's really hot out! Heh heh.
Confession Cam
Owen (slapping his forehead): Stupid!
End of Confessionals
Ezekiel: We are now twenty rounds in to the competition. The remaining nine players, Katie, Sadie, Owen, Bridgette, Gwen, Courtney, Leshawna, Beth, and Izzy, are still in!
Owen: Dude, I'm the only boy left? Awesome!
Izzy: And I'm the only non-gender left? Awesome! Did you know I can lift a thousand pounds? Watch! (She starts to walk towards Leshawna. The ghetto girl sees her, though.)
Leshawna: Are you sayin' I weigh a thousand pounds?
Izzy: Oh, I don't know. Probably. Something like that.
Leshawna: You die! (She draws her attention away from Courtney for a second, and runs toward Izzy, instead.)
Izzy: Whoa! Feisty Magee! Awesome! (She jumps into the air, still holding up her stack, and lands on the top Leshawna's metal plate stack, striking a pose. The extra weight makes Leshawna's legs start to shake.)
Izzy: Wow! Look at the view from up here!
Leshawna: Get off! I'm about to get flattened because of you!
Izzy: Aw, but it's so fun up here!
Leshawna: THAT'S IT! (Using all her strength, she hurls Izzy up into the air, making the crazy girl crash to the ground.) And that's how I roll!
Ezekiel: Eight competitors left! Time for the next sheet! (The next sheet falls. Now each camper is carrying twenty-one sheets of metal. However, no one drops any.)
Duncan: How are these girls so strong?
Ezekiel: I don't know. They're just girls, eh! They shouldn't be able to do this! (Suddenly, all the females turn to him.)
Gwen: What did you just say?
Ezekiel: Uh… something about… uh… fish paste.
Katie: I thought you weren't sexist anymore!
Owen: Yeah! How dare you insult us women!
Beth: Uh… Owen?
Owen: Yeah?
Beth: You're not a woman.
Owen: Oh yeah! I must have just been getting into character.
Ezekiel: What's so wrong with what I said?
Duncan: Yeah. I mean, in general, it is true.
Gwen: Duncan!
Duncan: Hey. I'm just tellin' it how it is.
Ezekiel: Just go back to the competition, you girls.
Leshawna: Fine. We'll go back, but we want a different prize.
Ezekiel: And what's that?
Leshawna: If we win, we get to be locked in a room with you, and get to do whatever we want to you.
Courtney: Now that's a prize I want to win.
Ezekiel: No way, eh! I'm the host!
Gwen: Hey, we're just girls. You could take us.
Ezekiel: Eh, you're probably right. I been working oot.
Bridgette: So when's the next sheet coming on? I'm ready to take this up a notch!
Ezekiel: Just one notch? How about ten notches? (He presses a button on his remote control, and ten more sheets fall onto each competitors' stack.)
Sadie: Katie! I don't think I can do this anymore!
Katie: Me neither! Ready to give up?
Sadie: Yeah! (They throw their sheets high up into the air, and they land on Ezekiel, crushing him beneath them.)
Confession Cam
Ezekiel: How does Chris make it through a full season without getting fatally injured?
(Katie and Sadie are sitting in the Confessional together.)
Katie: OMG, it was so satisfying to finally give Ezekiel what he deserves!
Sadie: Yeah!
Katie: But now I feel kind of bad, you know?
Sadie: Yeah!
Katie: I mean, it wasn't exactly that nice.
Sadie: Yeah!
Katie: Uh, Sadie, are you gonna actually confess, or just keep on agreeing with what I say?
Sadie: Yeah!
End of Confessionals
Duncan: Bridgette, Katie, Sadie, Beth, and Gwen have all been eliminated. And they all just had to crush Ezekiel with their stacks, so now I'm stuck announcing this stupid challenge. Owen, Leshawna, and Courtney are still in the game. Where's Heather? I can't do this announcing sort of thing!
Courtney: You've got that right. You're possibly the least articulate person I know! I should be the announcer!
Owen: So hungry… I need food! (He looks up at the metal sheets.) Why hello there. Delicious layers of pastrami. (Before anyone can stop him, he stuffs the entire stack in his mouth.)
Duncan: Owen's out! He will not be winning the prize! But you do win some prunes, if you want them. Because that metal is not gonna be easy going through your system.
Owen: Nah, I'm good. (He suddenly clenches up, and keels over.) Now… not so good. (He runs to the bathroom.)
Confession Cam
Leshawna: Owen is seriously gross. After Sierra, he's definitely the one on the chopping block. The boy eats everything! There's something that definitely aint humane about that.
Owen: Yeah, metal's not the toughest thing I've eaten. One time, I ate my dad. He was able to climb back out, but he was pretty darn tasty! Like pickle relish.
End of Confessionals
Leshawna: So it looks like it's just you and me, Courtney.
Courtney: I was a CIT. I have training for this.
Leshawna: Well, do you have training for this? (She launches herself at Courtney, but the preppy girl just swerves out of the way.)
Courtney: Actually, I do.
Ezekiel (covered in bandages): This is the final showdown. Fate rests on these twos' shoulders. It is a power struggle between two adamant forces. They must rely on wit, strength, courage…
Leshawna: Enough with the dramatic narration, you fool!
Ezekiel: Aw, but it's fun, eh!
Courtney: Well, we're trying to fight here! (When Tyler hears this, he glares.)
Tyler (to himself): I should be the one out there fighting. Impressing Lindsay.
DJ: Tyler? Don't do what I think you're gonna do. (But it's too late. Tyler jumps out in between the two girls, just as they are about to strike. They both slam into him, and fall over, throwing their sheets up into the air. Tyler catches all of them, holding up the stack proudly.)
Ezekiel: And Tyler is the last man standin', eh! He wins!
Courtney: WHAT? No fair!
Duncan: And that means… he wins the prize! You can be locked in a room with Heather or Ezekiel over here, and do whatever you want to them.
Sierra: Really sock it to them, Tyler.
Tyler: Naw, I'll pass. Can I just have an egg-salad sandwich?
Bridgette: An egg-salad sandwich?
Tyler: What? I love egg-salad sandwiches.
Ezekiel: Uh, sure, eh. Whatever. (He pulls an egg-salad sandwich out of his pocket and gives it to Tyler.)
Gwen: And you just happen to carry egg-salad sandwiches in your pockets wherever you go?
Ezekiel: You can never be too prepared, eh. (Tyler squeals with delight, and hungrily bites into the sandwich.)
Leshawna (to Tyler): You fool! You should've gone and beaten one of them up! (Heather walks over)
Heather: Aw, too bad, Leshawna. I guess you won't be getting your revenge after all.
Leshawna: Oh, you'll see my revenge! Comin' right at ya! (She lunges at Heather, and this time, she makes contact. As Leshawna beats her up, Heather is able to turn to Ezekiel and scowl.)
Heather: Why didn't you set up another glass wall?
Ezekiel: Hey, every man loves a good cat fight. (He rubs his hands together.) Now, as they fight, who wants to hear about the immunity challenge?
Bridgette: There's still an immunity challenge? After all we did?
Ezekiel: Yeah, but this one's a simple one. It's somethin' I like to call… The Awake-a-thon!
Justin: Yeah, that's real original.
Gwen: After we have to lift two hundred pounds of metal, we have to try and stay awake?
Ezekiel: Yeah. Why not?
Alejandro: We are tired, hungry, and downtrodden! We cannot compete anymore.
Ezekiel: I don't have time fer quitters, eh! You are gonna compete, and you are gonna like it! Or, unless you want to explain your problems to Eva. She is quite the therapist. (He throws a teddy bear into Eva's cage, and she tears it apart in thirty seconds flat.)
Alejandro: Actually, I think I feel up to a challenge.
Ezekiel: Good! Everyone, you know what to do. Just try and stay awake. Last man standing wins invincibility for his team! (Leshawna finally gets up from mauling Heather and smirks widely.)
Leshawna: And that's why you don't mess with Leshawna! (Heather, her hair completely messed up and her body covered in scratches, just smirks even wider at Leshawna.)
Heather: We'll see about that. I'll get my revenge soon enough.
Confession Cam
Heather: Leshawna thinks she has this game in the bag. But she's so arrogant she doesn't even realize what power I have over the game. (She pulls out a jug of coffee, takes some sleep syrup, and pours it in.) This stuff will make her whole team fall asleep! Now I just need someone who can trick the other team into drinking the stuff.
End of Confessionals
(The campers are all sitting on stools in the campfire pit, doing different things. Cody is staring at Gwen, as usual, Sierra is posting random drabbles on her blog, Geoff is trying to make a bowl of cereal with just gravel and water, Lindsay and Beth are talking fashion, Tyler is doing sit-ups right next to them, DJ is stroking a random bunny he found but is actually crushing it with his colossal hands, Katie and Sadie are twiddling their thumbs in perfect sync, Trent is glancing at everyone suspiciously, Courtney is jogging in place, Bridgette is polishing her surfboard, Owen is panting and leaning against a tree, Izzy is trying to collect hair samples from everybody, Harold is softly moaning and rocking his Nintendo DS back and forth, Leshawna is still grinning proudly about beating up Heather, and Alejandro and Justin are sitting on two separate logs.)
Alejandro: Justin, amigo, I am slipping fast.
Justin: No! Don't go! I need someone to help me apply my eye paint!
Alejandro: You really think that trick will work this year?
Justin: I don't see why not. It's finally time I win a challenge for my team, Al! (He quickly applies his makeup, and stands up with his eyes closed, grinning proudly.)
Alejandro: You know, you really look like a fool—
?: Psst! Alejandro!
Alejandro: Who's there?
Heather: It's me, Heather! Come into the bushes! (Alejandro nods, and crawls in.)
Alejandro: I have missed you, muchacha guapa.
Heather: Enough with the sappy talk, buster. (She takes out the jug of coffee.) This'll help you win the challenge. I need you to win it, so Leshawna's team can lose! All you have to do is offer it to everyone on the other team. It will make them fall asleep.
Leshawna: Oh really? (A hand suddenly reaches into the bushes, grabs Alejandro by the collar, and pulls him up, while he is still holding the jug of coffee.)
Alejandro: Hey! Leshawna! Your beauty truly makes my day. Would you like some coffee?
Leshawna: Cut the crap! I heard what you said! Heather's trying to be a bitch and cheat! (Heather climbs out of the bushes and smirks.)
Heather: And what are you gonna do about it?
Leshawna: I'll show you what I'm gonna do about it! (She lunges at Heather again, but this time, the queen bee is prepared. She jumps up above Leshawna's head, then tackles the black girl to the ground.)
Heather: Quick! While I've got her pinned down! (Alejandro runs over, and tips some coffee into the struggling Leshawna's mouth. Leshawna's eyes slowly glaze over, and a few seconds later, she relaxes, asleep. Heather turns to Alejandro.)
Heather: Now you have to give each of them just a sip of the coffee. There must be enough for everyone. So, you know… stay away from Owen.
Alejandro: Got it. (He puckers up his lips at her. In response, Heather grabs them and yanks them a full 360 degrees. Alejandro cries out in pain, and his lips flop lazily past his chin like two wet noodles.)
Heather: If you can accomplish this, you might get a kiss. Might. (Alejandro nods, and walks over to the center of the campfire pit. There, Justin is standing with his eyes painted shut, fast asleep, as Izzy draws on his face.)
Izzy (as she draws a large, bushy moustache on him): Thanks for letting me be your makeup artist, Justin! Do you like your moustache? I drew it in permanent marker! (With this, Justin's eyes shoot open, and he screams.)
Justin: You drew a moustache on me in permanent marker?
Izzy: Whoa! You have four eyes now! That's weird! (She starts poking his eyelids in wonder. Justin whips out his hand mirror and screams.)
Justin: You did! And I look like a complete doofus!
Izzy: A moustache is sign of courage. You should be proud to be bearing one.
Justin: I guess it does kind of complement my earlobes…
Izzy: That's the spirit, Justin! (Alejandro walks by, something bulging in his pants.)
Justin: What's he doing? And what's he got in his pants?
Izzy: I don't know. But Detective Izzy's on the case! (She runs after him.)
Confession Cam
Izzy: Izzy is suspicious of everybody! Like this toilet! (She kicks out at it, and flushes the toilet with her foot.) Nothing suspicious about this toilet handle…
End of Confessionals
Meanwhile…
Chris: OK, Noah, here's the plan Chef and I came up with.
Noah: Please, Chris, let me make the plans. I think you need to have an IQ of over 90 to actually be able to do it.
Chris: Oh yeah? (He takes out a map.) Check out the route I made!
Noah: That's just a bunch of scribbles weaving in every direction!
Chris: Why you little! You insult my hard work, after all the hours I spent on it!
Chef: Chris, calm down. I'll explain it to him. First of all, we're gonna need a distraction. That's where you come in, Noah.
Noah: I think my talents could be used elsewhere—
Chef: So we're kind of gonna… push you off a cliff.
Chris: Fun, right?
Noah: No! Why can't we just push one of you off a cliff? I'm an injured man!
Chris: Well, my hair doesn't look that hot when it's wet, and Chef doesn't know how to swim.
Noah: I'll just sink to the bottom, what with this body cast and wheelchair!
Chris: Hey, Cody somehow survived it when Beth pushed him off the dock. (He turns to Chef) How did he survive that? (Chef just shrugs.)
Noah: It's absurd! (But Chef and Chris are already wheeling him up the mountain.)
Confession Cam
Noah: And of course, the stupid cameramen are still just filming this, even though two crazy men are about to push a teenager in a wheelchair off an a thousand foot cliff into shark-infested waters!
End of Confessionals
Back at Camp
Geoff: Bridge, you still with me?
Bridgette: Yeah, I'm still around. You?
Geoff: I think I'm losin' it. I need some cereal, or something… (Alejandro walks up to them.)
Alejandro: Can I interest either of you in some coffee?
Bridgette (sarcastically): Oh, of course. And just where did you get this coffee?
Alejandro: We are taught how to brew coffee at a very young age in my homeland of Mexico. Please, have some. I'm sure you will like it. (He pours it into two cups.)
Bridgette: OK, what did you spike it with? I know! You put in a love potion, just so I'd be drooling at your feet again!
Alejandro: Then why would I be offering it to Geoff?
Bridgette: I don't know! You're in to blonde people! Just back off! Geoff and I do not accept your coffee. (However, Geoff has already grabbed a cup.)
Geoff: Thanks, man.
Bridgette: Geoff! You can't just accept random coffee from a creep like Alejandro!
Geoff: Why not?
Bridgette: Because he's the enemy!
Alejandro: Trust me, Bridgette. This coffee will help you stay awake.
Owen: Really? (He lumbers toward Alejandro.) Let me have some!
Alejandro: No!
Owen: Why… why not?
Bridgette: Yeah, Alejandro, why not?
Alejandro: Uh, I mean, just not yet. I mean, this coffee does have to go around to everybody.
Bridgette: I still think it's spiked. Alejandro, if you're so sure that it isn't, you take a sip of it.
Alejandro: Don't mind if I do! (He raises the glass to his lips.)
Confession Cam
Alejandro: I am possibly the biggest idiot ever.
Bridgette: And of course, Alejandro loses consciousness the moment he takes a sip. Geoff's just lucky I was able to stop him from drinking the coffee after it fell to the ground. Owen, however, started attacking the coffee like a starving, crazed weasel. Hopefully there's none of it left.
Geoff (with the jug of coffee in one hand): This is genuine coffee! (He takes a sip, and falls headfirst into the toilet.)
End of Confessionals
Ezekiel: Small bathroom break for any of you who need it!
Katie: Do you have to go to the bathroom, Sadie?
Sadie: Yeah! I totally do!
Katie: And I just realized! So do I! (The two walk in together.)
Ezekiel: Anybody else?
Harold: I have got my adult diaper on. I'm all set.
Ezekiel: Well, then. I'll see you in ten hours to see who hasn't dropped dead yet. (Trent stares at him as he walks away.)
Confession Cam
Trent: The second Awake-a-thon gave me a lot of time to think. Courtney and I need strategy if we wanna win this thing. Well, if I wanna win this thing. I plan on dumping her soon enough.
End of Confessionals
Trent: We need to talk strategy.
Courtney: Yeah, I kind of already heard your confessional a few seconds ago. You confess, like, ten times louder than everyone else.
Trent: So you heard everything?
Courtney: Just the part about talking strategy. So what's your new plan?
Trent: Well, it's obvious that we have the biggest targets on our backs at the moment.
Courtney: Duh. And your trash-talking the other contestants in the confessional doesn't help. We can all hear you.
Trent: I know. But for now, we have to make it look like we're not in an alliance anymore. You try to join up with the Gwen and Izzy alliance, and I'll join up with the Alejandro and Justin alliance. Whenever there's a vote, we'll technically have the trust of six, instead of two.
Courtney: But if we do that, we might not be able to get rid of Gwen!
Trent: Not exactly. You see, I can convince Alejandro and Justin to vote for her. And if you vote for her, and Izzy is so crazy that she is also persuaded to vote for her… we can say good-bye Gwen. That's already five votes, and the others won't be clever enough to get it together in time.
Courtney: I actually see your strategy in that. But that's only for one vote. People will figure out what we did soon enough.
Trent: Yeah, the only one I'm worried about is Noah… but if we already have those five people, then there are only four people left by the next vote. So even if Noah is able to rally up the other idiots on our team, it won't be enough.
Courtney: It won't be enough, you say? Noah is pretty close with Izzy. He could persuade her.
Trent: Well, Noah's not even here at the moment. In fact, he's probably dead. He hasn't even come back since last night.
Courtney: You're treating that like it's a good thing!
Trent: Hey, one less player I have to deal with.
Confession Cam
Courtney: Trent is sometimes just a little too serious about this game for my liking. Sure, I want to win, but I wouldn't go as far as he does! But I have an advantage over Trent. He thinks I only heard the first part of his confessional. But no, I heard all of it. I know he's planning on getting rid of me when he doesn't need me anymore. Well, with my new knowledge… let's see how that works out for him.
Ezekiel: We apologize for the recent boring dialogue exhibited from the campers' mouths. We hope you have not fallen asleep in absolute boredom, and would like to let you know that the comedy is back on the way. We will also make sure never to focus the cameras on Trent and Courtney again.
End of Confessionals
Ezekiel: We are at the twenty-four hour mark, campers! Let's see who's fallen asleep! (The camera pans out to show that Geoff, Bridgette, Leshawna, Owen, Alejandro, Justin, and Beth are all fast asleep.)
Ezekiel: Ah, the Awake-a-thon. Brings back so many memories of the previous one, eh.
Sierra: You weren't even there!
Ezekiel: But I was in my heart, Sierra, I was in my heart. And I also know the best tactics for making people fall asleep.
Cody: Please… no more fairy tales… (He is slowly drifting off.)
Ezekiel: No. Not that, eh. Instead, I will tell you a story. A story of how I came to be the gloorious man I be today.
Gwen: Oh, so it is a fairy tale.
Ezekiel: Watch that tongue, eh! Now everybody sit back, relax, and listen… Once, on an old farm, there lived a boy. He was handsome, smart, strong… (Everybody bursts out laughing at this.) What's so funny, eh?
Courtney: Please don't tell me this story is about yourself. Because you pretty much named all the things that you aren't.
Ezekiel: You campers are rude! Fine, I'll leave. But enjoy being out in the cold without blankets tonight. (He stomps off.)
Confession Cam
Gwen: Ezekiel is possibly one of the most conceited people I know. I mean, how can he even think he comes anywhere near what society considers socially acceptable?
End of Confessionals
(Cody is sitting awkwardly on a stump, right next to Sierra. She is still on her computer, but glances up at him every so often. Finally, Cody is unable to bear the silence any longer.)
Cody: You know, we haven't talked since you, you know… tried to drown me.
Sierra: It was a mistake. I shouldn't have done that.
Cody: Yeah.
Sierra: But you shouldn't have stayed on that team! You should've moved over to our team!
Cody: How can you blame me for that, Sierra? You don't know what personal space is!
Sierra: I do too know what personal space is!
Cody: Then why did you, the moment I started speaking to you, just come up behind me and start massaging my shoulders?
Sierra: Don't you like it?
Cody: No!
Sierra: Why not?
Cody: Because it's creepy!
Sierra: Aw, I know you like it. If you lie down, I can give you the full massage. (She rubs her hands together excitedly and licks her lips. Cody groans and slaps his hand to his forehead.)
Confession Cam
Cody (to himself): You learn nothing, Cody, you learn nothing!
Sierra: So Cody and I are pretty much together now. I think he really likes me!
End of Confessionals
Alejandro (slowly opening his eyes): Uggh… where am I? (Slowly coming into view is Izzy, towering above him.)
Izzy: You finally wake up! You've been like, asleep for ten hours. And you were totally just masturbating in your sleep. It was really fun to watch.
Alejandro: And you're a freak. (He stands up and stretches, when suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, he sees the coffee jug. There is a small puddle left in it.)
Alejandro: I can still carry out this mission! There's enough left! (He runs over and he stuffs the coffee jug in his pants. Then he turns around to see Izzy staring him right in the face.)
Izzy: And what is that bulging in your pants? Detective Izzy would like to know.
Alejandro: Nothing.
Izzy: Nothing, you say? Then would you like to explain the disappearance of the one they call "Noah"?
Alejandro: I have no idea where Noah is. (Izzy walks up to him and starts tapping the bulge.)
Izzy: Noah? Are you in there? Calculate some random math equation if you can hear me!
Alejandro: Why would Noah be in my pants? Now go away!
Izzy: No! Izzy has always known you've had your eye on Noah since Day 1! But he's my braniac!
Alejandro: Sure, whatever, I don't care. Say, Lindsay is looking a little suspicious over there. You should go talk to her.
Izzy: You're right! Those boobs are way too large to be real! I bet she's a suicide bomber, and she has bombs strapped to her chest! Bomb squad specialist Izzy is on the case! (She runs off.)
Confession Cam
Alejandro: Now that crazy girl was off being crazy, I needed to get the job done quick and fast. No time for explanations. I just forced a drop into everyone.
End of Confessionals
Tyler: One… two… three… (When he sees Alejandro coming towards him, he speeds up.) Two hundred ninety-nine… three hundred! Woo! What a workout! You agree, Al? (Alejandro doesn't say a word. Instead, he just pours a drop of coffee into Tyler's mouth.)
Tyler: Uh… OK. Thanks. Say, I'm feelin' a little, drowsy… (He falls asleep, snoring loudly.)
Alejandro: One down. Next up… (Alejandro looks to Sadie and Katie, who are still wide awake, eagerly talking fashion. He walks over to them.)
Alejandro: Hello, there, ladies. You are looking very pretty today. (When the two girls see him, they immediately start to swoon.)
Sadie: So are you. I mean, you're very handsome.
Katie: Yeah. I love Latinos…
Alejandro: That is very good to know. Would you like some coffee?
Sadie: What'd you make it with?
Alejandro: My heart. (The girls almost have a heart attack at this, and start fighting over the coffee. However, Alejandro yanks it away from them.) No no, you can only have one sip. That's all it takes. (The two girls nod eagerly, and he pours just a drop into each of their mouths.)
Katie: Mmm… the best coffee ever…
Sadie: Making me… kind of tired… (Alejandro has already turned and is walking away. A few seconds later, he hears the satisfying thumps of their bodies hitting the ground behind him.)
Alejandro: Let's see who's left. (He looks to see that DJ, Harold, and Sierra are the only ones left.)
Confession Cam
Alejandro: DJ would be easy. Harold is so oblivious that I can just force it into his mouth. But Sierra… she's tough to deal with.
End of Confessionals
DJ: This coffee… it tastes just like Momma used to make…
Harold: This coffee… it tastes like coffee…
DJ: Farblenoifnidsoafld… (He hits the ground with a thud. However, Harold does not.)
Alejandro: Why haven't you fallen asleep yet?
Harold: Are you serious? I don't sleep. The Nintendo DS keeps me awake.
Alejandro: Oh. In that case… (He dumps coffee all over the Nintendo DS.)
Harold: No! How could you? How… could… you… (He loses consciousness.)
Confession Cam
DJ: So Alejandro tricked me and all the other campers on my team. I should've known. But that coffee… just like Momma used to make… WAAAAHHHHH!
Alejandro: What I did today might not help me come merge, but at least it helps my chances with Heather.
End of Confessionals
Alejandro (to Sierra, who is massaging a sleeping Cody's body): Want some coffee?
Sierra: No. I do not drink anything that my dear Cody does not drink. Now go away. We are having private time.
Alejandro: Just have a sip.
Sierra: No! You think you can win my heart, but you're not even famous. You're like, even less famous than me.
Alejandro: I'm famous! I've been on all sorts of toilet paper commercials!
Sierra: Oh, yeah! My husband and I use that one sort of toilet paper you advertised!
Alejandro: Mmm hmm. Plus, I am a witness to your marriage. Unless you want me to say it didn't happen…
Sierra: No! Please! I will do anything to be with my Cody-lumpkins!
Alejandro: Then have just a bit of this coffee, and you'll be with him soon enough. (Sierra eagerly grabs the jug and gulps down the last of the coffee.)
Sierra: That's good coffee! So… good… (She falls asleep.)
Alejandro: And that's the last of that. (Ezekiel walks over and addresses the campers.)
Ezekiel: Somehow, all the campers on the Killer Redwoods have fallen asleep. That means the Screaming Ivies win!
Lindsay: Yay! We won! (She looks down to see Izzy inspecting her chest.) Uh, what are you doing, Fizzy?
Izzy: I know you're a bomber, and I know you're planning an attack! Now if I can just find some way to deactivate them… (Meanwhile, Leshawna wakes up and snarls.)
Leshawna: Where is that Alejandro? I'm about to give him a piece of my mind!
Alejandro: Revenge is not necessary. My team has already won, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Leshawna: He cheated, Ezekiel!
Ezekiel: What's wrong with cheatin' eh? I doon't see anything wrong with it.
Leshawna: Everything's wrong with it! This whole competition is completely messed up!
Ezekiel: Hey, every competition can't be perfect. I'll see you and your team at the campfire ceremony tonight.
Confession Cam
Leshawna: I can't believe that slimy Alejandro got the better of me! And Ezekiel didn't even bring in justice! Oh, I just wanna punch somebody!
End of Confessionals
Mess Hall
Bridgette: So, who are we going to vote out tonight?
Leshawna: I think I have an idea. But excuse me for a moment. (She punches DJ across the face.)
DJ (rubbing his cheek): Why'd you do that?
Leshawna: Sorry, I just needed to punch somebody. Now, first of all, I have a plan. We're gonna launch a counter-rebellion.
Geoff: A counter-what?
Leshawna: Geoff, it's better if you just not try to fathom words larger than two syllables, okay? Now, I've been thinkin'... we need to strike back! Take the camp back for Chris and Chef!
Harold: Why would we want to give it back to them? They just make our lives miserable!
Leshawna: Not any more than these people do. We need to get this competition back to the way it used to be. Seriously, with Heather around, I don't feel comfortable at all!
Bridgette: I agree. So what's the plan?
Leshawna: I'm not quite sure yet. But for tonight… we might as well vote someone off.
Tyler: Let's vote off Alejandro!
Leshawna: Yeah, that would work, if he weren't on the other team!
Tyler: Hey, I'm just makin' a suggestion.
Leshawna: No, we need to vote off Sierra. She's dangerous, unstable, and she's just plain creepy!
Geoff: I agree. She's weird.
Owen: I feel like she's gonna kill me in my sleep!
Sierra: I'm right here, you know.
Leshawna (grinning evilly): Well, now you won't have any surprise at tonight's vote.
Sierra: You guys would really vote for me?
Geoff: It's nothing personal, Sierra… well, actually, it kind of is.
Katie and Sadie: Sorry Sierra.
Leshawna: Well, I think it's settled!
Sierra (her eyes narrowing): We'll see about that. (Meanwhile, at the Screaming Ivy table, Izzy is poking Lindsay's boobs suspiciously.)
Izzy: The bombs could go off at any moment, Lindsay. We have to be extremely careful.
Lindsay: I don't wanna die!
Izzy: You won't die. Just remain calm while I try to extract the bombs… (She reaches into Lindsay's shirt. At this, Cody gets a nose bleed.)
Gwen: Perv.
Courtney: I know, right?
Gwen: Why are you talking to me?
Courtney: I know how much you hate Trent.
Gwen: Do you also know how much I hate you?
Courtney: But surely, you don't hate me as much as you hate Trent.
Gwen: Actually, you're about equal.
Courtney: Whatever. I'm not with Trent anymore. (Gwen raises her eyebrows at this.)
Gwen: Really?
Courtney: Of course not! He treated me like dirt! So now, I would like to join your very strong alliance with Izzy.
Gwen: Seriously? You're not tricking me?
Courtney: I'm not tricking you at all. And it's the only way you'll survive this competition. And Trent's a jerk. Together, we can get rid of him. What do say? Deal? (She extends her hand. Gwen hesitates a moment, and then shakes it.
Gwen: Deal.
Confession Cam
Courtney: And now, my hand will need massive amounts of sterilizing.
End of Confessionals
Trent: I have to say, Alejandro, nice work today. And I thought I was the only one who could go so low.
Alejandro: No, amigo, I will do many things to win.
Justin: Say, Trent, do you like my moustache?
Trent: Oh, yes, it really makes you look sexy.
Justin: Really? (He wiggles it up and down seductively.) Does that look good?
Trent: Yes, very. Listen. You two must know about my alliance with Courtney…
Justin: Nope. Never heard of it.
Alejandro: Are you serious, Justin? I've told you about it at least fifty times!
Justin: Oh, yeah!
Trent: Well, anyway, we have dispersed. And I know you two have a very strong alliance…
Alejandro: You want to join?
Trent: I thought you'd never ask.
Justin: No! I don't want him in our alliance! I thought it'd be just the two of us, Alejandro!
Alejandro: Justin, don't be a baby! We need another member!
Justin: No we don't!
Alejandro: Yes we do! (He thinks for a moment.) If you agree, I'll give you a mascara kit.
Justin: That won't convince me.
Alejandro: With a jar of lotion, too.
Justin: That still won't convince me.
Alejandro: And I'll give you the latest Florio lipstick prototype.
Justin: But… that hasn't come out yet! How'd you get it?
Alejandro: I have my sources. But you can only have it if you let Trent be in our alliance.
Justin: Fine! I don't care! Just give me my makeup! (He snatches it from Alejandro.)
Confession Cam
Alejandro: You see, Justin's just like an overgrown child. But instead of bribing him with candy, you bribe him with women's beauty products. Kind of odd, but it works.
Justin: Mmm… with this new Florio lipstick, my lips feel like velvet! (He looks at the camera.) What? I don't have a problem!
Leshawna: So the plan is to vote for Sierra. But I can only imagine what she might be doing right now. Probably conspiring crazily to try and stop it. She has a dangerous mind. Always thinking about the game. I wonder what she could be confessing about right now.
Sierra: Cody's back bones are very protuberant. Hmm… that will require weeks of experimentation to figure out the cause. But when it comes to Cody, I must know everything!
End of Confessionals
Meanwhile…
Noah: No! You can't do this! (Chris and Chef are rolling him up the mountain, and are almost at the peak. They are chanting some strange hym, and Chef is beating a bongo drum as he walks.)
Chris: It must be done, dude, it must be done.
Noah: You're completely psycho! Seriously, what mental injury happened to you when you were young? Abused by your parents? Raped?
Chris: I just want my camp back! (Chef plays his bongo drum in agreement.)
Noah: This is child abuse! I can sue!
Chris: Hear that, Chef? He can sue!
Chef: Ha! Must have not looked at your waiver close enough.
Chris: Yep. It specifically said when you signed it that "Chris and Chef have permission to push any of you off a cliff at any time for any reason".
Noah: It did not say that! (Chris holds up a marker.)
Chris: Well, it does now.
Chef: We're here, Chris. (They have finally made it to the peak of the mountain. They roll Noah to the very edge.)
Chris: Look down upon the waves, Noah. Tell me what you see.
Noah: I see water.
Chris: No, Noah, spiritually. What do you see?
Noah: I see water.
Chris: God, you're so boring! I guess we'll just have to speed things up. (He slowly rolls Noah closer and closer off the edge.)
Campfire Ceremony Pit
Ezekiel: You've all cast your votes, eh. One of you will be leavin' the island. And you can never come back. EVER.
Leshawna: That's definitely not what you did.
Ezekiel: I'm not very good at creating drama, so I'll do this nice and fast. When I call your name, come up, and claim your sock.
Bridgette: Socks?
Ezekiel: Yep. Socks represent life here at Total Ezekiel Island. They mean you can stay another day.
Leshawna: You mean we have to stay another day.
Ezekiel: What, ya doon't like it here? That's so sad, eh I try and try to make it a safe and challenging environment here at Total Ezekiel Island.
Sierra: You're making this sound like a school.
Ezekiel: It is a school, in a way. You're gaining valuable life skills, here, eh! Now, on with the ceremony. Socks go to… you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, and you.
Leshawna: You're not even pointing to anyone!
Ezekiel: Oh, well, then I'll let you know that everyone gets one except for you.
Bridgette: Me?
Ezekiel: No, not you.
Owen: Me?
Ezekiel: No, not you.
Tyler: Me?
Ezekiel: No, not you.
Geoff: Me?
Ezekiel: No not you.
Katie: Me?
Ezekiel: No, not you.
Sadie: Me?
Ezekiel: No, not you.
DJ: Me?
Ezekiel: No, not you.
Harold: Me?
Ezekiel: No, not you.
Sierra: Me?
Ezekiel: No, not you.
Leshawna: Me?
Ezekiel: Yes, you.
Leshawna: That's impossible! I know there are at least 9 people here who didn't vote for me!
Heather: Oh, too bad, Leshawna. Looks like you're out.
Bridgette: That makes no sense. We all voted for Sierra! (Heather grins smugly.)
Leshawna: You! You rigged the votes!
Heather: Perhaps. Nothing you can do about it, now.
Sierra: Thanks, Heather! You're a real pal! (She tries to hug the queen bee, but slams into a glass wall.)
Heather: Sorry, but this wall is also for blocking creepy fangirls.
Leshawna: Oh, I'll get, you, bitch! (She is about to punch through the wall, when she brings down her fist.) Actually, no. I'm leavin' with my dignity intact.
Heather: Dignity won't win you one hundred thousand dollars.
Leshawna: Hmph. I don't care. (And with that, she boards the Boat of Losers, and it speeds off.)
Ezekiel: Wait, who was driving that boat?
Duncan: I dunno.
Ezekiel: Oh, well.
Bridgette: I can't believe how unfair that was!
Harold: And I never even got to say goodbye to my dear Leshawna. (He continues to play Nintendo DS. Suddenly, everyone hears a loud splash.)
Tyler: What was that? It sounded like a splash!
Sierra: Well, no duh, Tyler.
Noah: Help! I'm drowning! (Suddenly, Izzy appears out of nowhere.)
Izzy: Noah! I will save you! (And with that, she swims out to get him.)
Tyler: Not if I can save him first! I'll be the hero! (He jumps out into the water, and starts drowning.) Help! Someone save me! (The camera moves to show Chris hiding behind the stage. He turns to the camera.)
Chris: The distraction went even better than expected! Now with the distraction in play, the real fun begins!
Can Chef and I take back the camp?
Can Izzy save Noah?
Will Tyler stop being so pathetic and stop drowning in ankle-deep water?
How will Ezekiel react?
Will Owen ever cease to be disgusting?
Can the new alliances between Alejandro, Justin, and Trent, as well as Courtney, Izzy, and Gwen hold?
And can this chapter get any longer? I seriously doubt it. Seriously, 11,758 words? That's way too many.
Find out here on the next hilarious, heart-wrenching, and dramatic chapter of
Total Drama Returns! Not Total Ezekiel Island. Man, that name sucks.
Note: Sorry to all Leshawna fans. But as you can see, this was a heavily Leshawna chapter, so I hope you enjoyed it. I won't bother showing the votes, but I'll tell you that everybody voted for Sierra except for Sierra, who voted for Leshawna. And Heather also put in an extra nine votes for Leshawna, so she ultimately got the boot.