Chapter 14

He wasn't really sure how it happened. One minute he was reaching out to adjust the dial on the shower while Castiel was looking through the stack of clothing he had given him, the next he was turning around to witness a pair of boxer shorts falling to the floor.

If it had been anyone else, Sam might have laughed the whole spectacle off, thrown a towel at them - basically reacted in some other way other than just gawping. But it was Cas and he was suddenly naked, not four feet away from him.

He was not proud to admit that his eyes were practically glued to the sight, taking in every detail they possibly could.

It was only when Castiel bent over to pick up the white material, did Sam's mind finally catch up with him. Of all the things he had expected to see today, the angel's bare ass wasn't one of them.

His jaw practically hit the floor as Cas' cheeks parted, a not so manly squeak leaving his lips as he truly registered what he was seeing.

That had been his second mistake he soon realised, (the first being not feeling the need to mention certain social protocols) as Castiel quickly ceased what he was doing and began to turn around to face him, a questioning look on his face.

"Sam?" The angel asked, tilting his head to the side as the hunter's eyes snapped shut and his face burned beetroot.

This was so not happening.

"Urr...I'llLeaveYouToIt! He replied in a rush, attempting to brush past him, towards the doorway. He had never felt the need to curse a small bathroom as much as he did at that very moment. Unfortunately for him his blood supply was seemingly not reaching his legs and he soon found them giving out underneath him, his co-ordination skills falling to an all time low as he tumbled.

Castiel grabbed for him in an instant, tightening his hands around both of Sam's upper arms to prevent the inevitable crash. He may not have had the strength of an angel anymore, but he certainly had the reflexes of one.

Sam's face burned an even deeper shade of red if that was at all possible. He tried his hardest to not look down as he regained his balance, mortified as he stared over the top of Castiel's head. Turns out his height really did come in handy at times.

"You need to be more careful, I cannot heal you again." Castiel spoke, but his tone held little annoyance.

Sam was pretty sure he was looking up at him, monitoring his expressions, but he didn't dare check.

He closed his eyes once more and nodded, pulling his lips together.

"I know..." He all but forced out.

Castiel took that as his cue to let go and released his hands' grip. He turned in bewilderment along with Sam, to watch him continue to leg it out of the room. His eyes squinting as the hunter grabbed hold of the golden knob and slammed the door closed behind him.

He winced at the volume of the noise.

For a moment Castiel remained stock still, his eyes just staring at the wooden structure. As seconds past, he found himself knowing less and less of what Sam was doing on the other side and frowned. He really didn't like humanities sense of vision, or hearing for that matter he decided. It was so restricted and over sensitive compared to what he was used to.

Accepting he wasn't going to get any clue's from the hunter while they remained in different rooms, he glanced down at himself, wondering if the lack of clothing was the reason for Sam's abrupt behaviour.

At the time, he honestly hadn't seen a problem with removing his pants, Sam had already told him to do so before getting under the shower just minute earlier.

However the Winchester's were always so private about him seeing them like that, that perhaps he should have considered that it might have worked both ways. That Sam might have preferred him to wait until after he left before he undressed completely.

He would have to remember that for next time.

He shook his head and stepped towards the bath tub, eying it and the piece of metal that hung from the wall, suspiciously.

He brushed the thoughts out of his head as he cautiously stepped under the spray.

Human's had such odd unspoken rules.

On the other side of the door, Sam let out a shaky breath as he leant against the frame and ran a hand down his face.

Someone up there was rolling around, laughing their feathery wings off at his expense, he was sure of it.

Perhaps Lucifer had decided to try and embarrass him into saying yes instead. That, or God had a really sick sense of humour.

He manoeuvred himself to the bed, his face still very much crimson as he tried to steady his ever quickening pulse. He sunk back against the headboard, wondering how he was ever going to look Castiel in the face again, let alone share a bed with him. He really hadn't thought the sleeping arrangements through when he had paid for the room.

It wasn't that he minded per say, he liked having the angel close, but after seeing him stark naked - well he'd seen enough bad rom-coms to know sharing a bed following that event was not a good idea.

He felt a familiar blood rush travelling south and cringed.

He was so so screwed.

Now was really not the time for his desires to be stepping up a gear.

He thought of Dean and Bobby and his none existing, elderly grandma to try and distract himself. He needed to get everything back under control before Castiel re entered the room, the last thing he needed was the angel worrying about him and drawing all sorts of the wrong conclusions.

That was so not a conversation he wanted to have.

Ever.

The problem was the more he tried not to think about the curve in Cas' spine, the dips in his back muscles, the strength in his thighs, his bare- errr- the more he ended up thinking about it and a whole lot more.

Like, what if he hadn't closed his eyes?

He tilted his head up so he was facing the ceiling and threw his hands over his face, drawing them down his cheeks. He opened his mouth and let out a loud groan.

For a second he wondered if he was juvenile enough to pretend to be asleep. At least then he could put off facing him for that bit longer.

He closed his eyes again and rubbed at them, quickly discarding that idea, he ached like hell and didn't actually want to risk falling asleep for real. Besides he couldn't do that, he didn't want to trick Castiel in anyway, that wasn't fair, it was his problem to deal with, not the angel's.

He just had to be a god damn adult about this and get his thoughts back under control.

He kept his eyes shut and tried to clear his mind of everything regarding Castiel's (or was it Jimmy's?) body.

He squirmed. That was a whole over issue that he really did not want to deal with. He liked Castiel, but it was so easy to forget that what he was seeing was a vessel, another human and that the angel in reality was some sort pure light force. Having desires for the form he saw, wasn't the same as having them for the angel, there was a whole over person involved who was so easy to forget about. Nevertheless he couldn't, not really. While he knew the man had given his consent, twice actually, for Castiel to wear him as such, that didn't mean he wasn't still in there somewhere.

That he wasn't seeing or experiencing everything Castiel was.

He squeezed his eyelids tighter until they were so firmly pressed together that he started to see stars dancing away in the darkness. He concentrated hard on forcing every thought, every feeling into the deepest depths of his mind and locking them there.

If not for his own good, then for Jimmy's.

For a moment everything was silent, then he felt something cold brush against his face and flinched, his eyes snapping open in an instant. Without really thinking he darted them around, trying to search for the source.

Unsurprisingly there was nothing there.

He looked around again, unsurely this time, dread seeping into the pits of his stomach when he realised he could still see the stars, that they were becoming solid objects, rather than staying as the fuzzy missing dots in his vision that they were supposed to be.

'No, not again.' His mind panicked.

He heard something breathe heavy behind him and sat stock still in response, trying his hardest not to turn his attention towards it.

He was against a wall, it was impossible for anything to actually be there. He looked straight ahead instead and cursed when the stars morphed into shadows in front of him.

He tried to ignore them, tried not to register them as anything other than faint shapes. His own shadow, and the lampshade beside him, nothing more.

He tried to close his eyes, to truly block it out, but his brain was already focusing on them, trying to decipher what was going on behind him.

Slowly he saw a claw, with nails as sharp as blades, moving towards him.

He jumped to his feet, ignoring all reason, jolting as far away from it as he could get.

'There's nothing there' He whispered to himself. 'Nothing there, nothing there, nothing there, nothi-'

Something moved beside him and he span on his heels, taking a few steps into the centre of the room, looking from one corner to the next, trying to work out where it was safe.

Where he could stand and not see anything but furniture.

He turned to the window, the door, the bathroom, the bed.

'Snap out of it Sam.'

He heard a click behind him and his stomach lunged. The image of a cold hard gun appearing as a silhouette in his mind, a figure standing behind him, holding it to the back of his head.

He swallowed hard, bracing himself.

To go through all that detox, just for it to end this way, didn't seem fair.

'Hallucinations cannot hurt you... For God sake A 2D object cannot shoot real bullets'

That knowledge did nothing to stop his palms from sweating.

He tried desperately to pull at his memories, to work out what he needed to do. He was trained for this, he'd survived worse. He needed to grab the gun, to get it of his attacker, to-

"Thank you for your assistance with the shower, I fell a lot better now. " Castiel called out, his familiar footfalls re entering the room.

Sam froze, holding the tension in his shoulders as he attempted to register the voice- he knew it, he knew the person it belonged to.

He knew he did.

And he meant no harm.

He tried to take a deep breath, tried to calm himself down before he gave anything away.

It was just Cas and now he was safe.

He breathed out brokenly, his hand coming back to find his face.

He squeezed, trying to diffuse the two situations, separate them into what was reality and what was a horrible waking nightmare.

Castiel frowned as he watched Sam carefully, his lack of response confusing him greatly. He was holding himself weird, his shoulders locked and rigid in a way they never were. Slowly he stepped forward, wondering why the hunter was not turning around to face him, to even acknowledge he was there.

Surely he had gotten over the incident by now and he was certain he had spoken out loud. Even if he hadn't, Sam's instincts should have gone into overdrive the second he heard something enter the room.

Despite the purposely louder movement, he still did not react so Castiel stepped around him, so they were face to face, concern written all over his features.

He wanted to reach out to touch him, to snap him out of whatever trance he had been placed in, but one look at his expression, stopped him cold.

"Are you alright?"

Sam nodded forcefully and in Castiel's opinion completely unconvincingly. His eyes holding a level of fear equivalent to that of a child who had lost a parent in a crowd.

Castiel frowned more.

Something was going on.

He looked around, trying to pick out anything which could have caused such a reaction to someone whose whole life had basically been something out of a horror movie.

He saw nothing out of place and looked back to the hunter, hoping he would get some sort of explanation from him.

He was left disappointed.

"Yeah, can't complain." Sam replied, all but forcing a fake smile onto his face, his cheeks tight and almost cracking under the pressure to retain a happy composure.

Castiel squinted, he may not have been able to hear the boy's heartbeat any more but he didn't need to, Sam's whole posture gave it away.

And his eyes.

His eyes looked haunted.

It was eerie to see.

"Sam." He said in a warning tone, but the hunter brushed it off, walking back towards the window as if everything was normal, as if he didn't have a care in the world.

"Did you not like the clothes?" He asked, purposely changing the subject and indicating to the blue robe Castiel was wearing in replacement to what he had given him. He hoped he had at least remembered to put the pants on underneath.

He hoped, but he was never going to ask.

"No, I much prefer this. It's - freer." Castiel replied, studying Sam cautiously, his eyes trailing up and down him, picking apart his every limb as he tried to work out what exactly the problem was.

The man may have been a trained liar but Castiel was no fool.

"Good, that's good that you, well you know, that you know, what you like and what you don't." Sam continued, almost incoherently as he turned to look out the glass, placing his palms on the window sill and leaning his weight down on them. They shook slightly and Sam tightened his grip, willing them to be still and obey him for once.

Castiel pulled his eyebrows together and walked up behind him, reaching out and placing his hand on his shoulder gingerly.

Sam's whole body tensed at the contact.

Castiel found he was not at all surprised, but did not let go all the same.

"Sam, something is wrong with you, what is it?" He asked, locking his hand there and tugging, pulling the hunter around to look at him again.

He had learnt by now he had a better chance of extracting the information he wanted, if he was maintaining eye contact with him.

Sam's jaw was locked as he shook his head, denying the accusation.

Castiel practically rolled his eyes.

"You realise there has yet to be anything I have not learnt about you. Eventually you won't be able to hide it anymore...Telling me now will save you hours of needless suffering." He stated simply, refusing to let Sam drop his gaze.

He really was far too stubborn for his own good.

He wondered if there would ever be a time where Sam's desire to protect the people he cared about from the truth, would ever be outweighed by his need to share the burden that had been placed on him. Somehow he doubted it, Sam was far to selfless for that.

Foolishly so.

"Just tell me. Please." he continued.

"It's nothing important. You can't help me." Sam injected, his voice still slightly hoarse from the detox.

This time Castiel did roll his eyes.

"All the more reason for you to tell me." He countered, dropping his grip on Sam's shoulder and moving his hand down his arm until it rested on his wrist. Once there he squeezed it encouragingly.

Sam shook his head and opened his mouth to speak, looking very much like he was about to deny anything was wrong again, to reaffirm that it was nothing for the angel to concern himself with.

His gaze dropped to Castiel's hold on him, then travelled back to his face.

He closed his mouth and swallowed.

The concern for him was obvious, he couldn't deny it.

And he couldn't deny him.

"It's... I'm just ..." He trailed off, not really wanting to continue. As far as Castiel was probably concerned, the blood was gone and it was over and done with. He didn't want to inform him otherwise. Didn't want him to know it was still affecting him in such a way.

His tolerance of him must really have been stretched to the limit already.

"Yes?" Castiel egged on, nodding for him to continue, rubbing his thumb over the veins on his wrist repetitively, soothingly.

"I'm still seeing things." Sam eventually admitted, ashamed, his eyes falling to the ground.

For a moment, Castiel said nothing, just continued his previous action, then he stopped and nodded.

"I am not surprised. You've gone through a lot." He replied and Sam was stunned to find no judgement coming from him. He wasn't entirely sure what he had expected, but it wasn't that. He had sucked two demons dry, that didn't just get brushed aside, especially not by an angel. Perhaps the continued hallucinations was no less than what he deserved for committing such an act.

He shivered.

"Will it stop?" He asked almost reluctantly, like he was afraid of the answer. He didn't know what he would do if this became a permanent fixture in his life. He didn't think he would cope.

Castiel tilted his head to the side, considering the question carefully. He briefly thought about telling Sam what he wanted to hear, but stopped himself. Sam didn't need another person in his life hiding things from him.

"I'm unsure, it depends." He admitted and Sam's shoulders sagged.

"On?" He all but whispered.

"On whether you rest Sam. Your mind is no different to the wound stitched on your shoulder. It needs time to recover. Go and lie down, sleep. Give it a chance, there are no quick fixes I'm afraid."

Sam shook his head, his face draining of colour at just the thought of actually sleeping.

"I can't sleep. Lucifer is worse."

Castiel sighed.

"Then perhaps just start with laying down."

He tightened his grip and lead him over to the bed. Sam narrowed his eyes at him but reluctantly allowed himself to be moved and took a seat on the mattress. Bar entering luciferville at this point he would give anything a try if it meant the hallucinations would stop.

A part of him felt stupid, he knew what he was seeing wasn't real, he should have been able to deal with it in a logical manner. The thing was though, rational thinking pretty much went out the window when the visions appeared.

It was by no means fair, but to him everything was there.

Everything was real.

Everything could cause harm.

As soon as Castiel was sure Sam was actually going to stay put, he made his way back to the window to close the drapes. He smiled when he saw the small light display which was just visible in the sky.

" I never got to explain." He said suddenly and Sam, managed to force himself to ignore everything else and turn to look at him.

"Explain what?" He requested, his eyebrows drawing together.

Castiel completed his task and made his way back to the bed as he spoke.

"Why I chose here."

Sam looked troubled for a moment, before leaning forward, ignoring the burn in his back which erupted from the movement. Cas really was right, he needed rest.

"Why did you?" He asked curiously. He had been wondering that from the second he opened his eyes and realised it wasn't a figment of his imagination. That Castiel really had taken him to Finland, a place almost 4,000 miles away from where they originally were. It seemed random to say the least.

"It was the closest representation on earth I could find."

Castiel eyes softened as he reached out and placed his hand on the hunter's arm, sitting himself in front of him at the corner of the bed.

"To what?" Sam coaxed, his eyes locking on Castiel's, his heartbeat quickening again. He could still feel things, see things, hear things which weren't there, but he was so focused on the angel that found he didn't care. He knew Castiel was real and that was all that mattered, everything else sort of faded into the background.

"To what your soul looks like to me." He replied and watched with a smile as Sam's eyes darted to where the display was, now hidden behind thick curtains. He looked away and found Castiel's own again quickly, his forehead creasing, almost demanding an explanation as his lips parted.

For once it was an explanation Castiel was happy to give.

" I know you think that the demon blood has crippled your soul but that is not true. I won't deny there are dark specs within it, but it makes up so little of what you are. The lights out there, while impressive now, are nothing compared to what they were in the darkest part of the night. Agree?"

Sam nodded. He wasn't going to forget that display in a hurry.

"Your soul to me Sam, is just like that. The darkness which inadvertently surrounds you, makes the purity of it stand out so much more. A good soul is one thing, a good soul radiating through a darkened tinge is something else. Your soul is pure and an exception to everything it's supposed to be." He explained, squeezing Sam's arm. He had to make sure he got it. That he never thought such terrible things about something so amazing again. "It has a strength to it that I can't even describe to you. So I thought it was best to show you the beauty of it. So you could understand with your own eyes, what it is I see when I look at you."

Sam was silent for a moment, drawing his hands together to rest on his lap as he attempted to take in what he was being told.

A part of him wanted to scoff, to brush it off, to demand answers as to why he would make something like that up, but the other half knew, knew Castiel had no reason to lie to him.

That he wouldn't lie to him.

"It's not damaged?" He eventually settled on asking, wanting that reassurance that he really had just heard what he thought he did.

"No, it is not." Castiel confirmed, shaking his head slightly. He was seriously considering writing it down - Sam liked to read, maybe he could slot it into one of his books so he could never forget."While I cannot guarantee what would have happened if you continued down Ruby's path, I can assure you the demon blood you have ingested previously has had no lasting effect. It still shines."

"Cas I- Thank you!" Sam replied, nodding firmly. He paused for a moment then reached over and pulled him into their second hug of the day- one Castiel readily accepted. "Thank you for being here, for staying with me, for just ...everything."

"You are most welcome Sam." Castiel replied as they broke apart, though he noted he was now sitting a lot closer to the hunter than before. However despite this awareness he made no attempt to gather some distance between them. "I'm just sorry I couldn't help more."

"More?"

Sam pulled a face, taken back, wondering how on earth Castiel could even think he could have done anything else to support him.

"I couldn't find away to convince you I wasn't a hallucination. I think I did more harm than good for a while." The angel confessed.

Sam drew his brow together, wrinkles appearing on his nose, showing just how much he disagreed with that statement.

"No, no Cas you didn't, I mean, yeah I was confused but you were always there and it helped -so much, just knowing I wasn't alone, that I had you, whatever version of you my brain told me you were. It was... comforting. There is nothing else you could have possibly have done. I can't believe what you did do." Castiel smiled softly, reaching out. " Dying with someone, is a whole lot better than dying without."

He dropped his hand, grimacing.

"I'm glad I could help." He replied roughly, pressing his lips together into a thin line.

It was Sam's turn to frown.

"Did I say something wrong?"

"No of course not... just don't die on me again." Castiel cautioned in as strong a voice as he could muster. He did not practically like remembering what had happened, even now, knowing Sam was breathing, didn't make it any easier. He hadn't experienced loss like that before and never wanted to again.

Sam half smiled, ruefully under a curtain of his hair.

"I will try."

"You will do more than try Sam Winchester."

Sam nodded. It wasn't exactly something he wanted to go through again either.

"Okay."

He laid back against the pillows, closing his eyes briefly as he tried to place his body in a more comfortable position. He couldn't seem to find one. He pulled the blankets up around him, trying to lock in as much warmth as he could.

The shower and the heat of the room had helped, but he was still cold and it was just causing him to ache more.

"Cas?" He asked quietly as the angel shifted to sit beside him and drew his legs up on to the bed. He turned his head, to indicate he was listening but said no words. "Do you mean it? My soul really looks like that?"

"Yes, even when we first met, that is what I saw."

Sam licked his lips.

"You hated me then." He pointed out as a matter of fact, though it didn't really bother him anymore. It stung back then, but they had both come so far since that he couldn't hold it against him. He would have hated him too if he was in Castiel's shoes.

"Perhaps, but I did not know you. Your repetition was that of a pit bull." He stopped, letting out a brief laugh. " You should have heard the stories that were told in heaven of the boy set to be Lucifer's vessel. You were this thing, scum, no better than the devil himself. There were petitions to kill you the second Mary conceived again."

"Jeez Cas don't sugar coat it." Sam broke in, tossing his head to knock his hair out of the way. He was painfully aware that his voice was never welcomed in prayers by heaven, he didn't need to know the details of their disdain for him.

"Right." Castiel continued. "However despite this, if you remember, I still shook your hand." He had realised to late that perhaps he had been a little too honest that time. There was apparently a fine line between not lying to someone and telling them details that were better left buried.

"Yeah, with great reluctance."

Sam stretched out the word great, raising an eyebrow as he recalled just how long it had taken for Castiel to reach out to return the handshake. He moved his own hand out slowly, almost robotically, as if to stress the point.

The angel looked down awkwardly, but was thankful to realise that there was no hurt being conveyed in his tone.

He hadn't considered at the time that his hesitation would have had any effect on him. Apparently he had been wrong.

"Perhaps, but I did it. Regardless of everything I heard. Uriel was not happy about that, wondered how I could bare to touch you. But how could I not, for something that was said to be humanities destructor, you were still so pure. I thought it was disguised somehow, that you were tricking us, so I touched you, that only confused me more. I haven't stopped being confused by you." He admitted and Sam smirked.

"Sorry about that."

Castiel could only glare at him, picking up on what he usually wouldn't.

"Your voice does not seem particularly apologetic." He remarked, copying an expression he had seen Sam pull many times before when he was unimpressed with something, but not annoyed, an important distinction he had learned.

Sam shrugged.

"That confusion led to us being friends, how could I be sorry about that."

Sam nudged into him and Castiel uneasily attempted to return the gesture.

That only made Sam smile more, sinking down into the pillows and shifting his position slightly, still not entirely comfortable. The angel shook his head as he watched his eyes droop closed of their own accord.

"You really should sleep, it's your body's only chance of recovering." He commented as he realised for the first time just how red Sam's eyes were - how evidently exhausted he was, despite how hard he was fighting to prevent it coming to the surface.

"I can't Cas, just please not now. If I sleep, Lucifer will come and I don't have the strength to fight him."

He looked dejected and Castiel's stomach twisted in response.

The angel debated what to do for a moment but the second Sam shivered he made up his mind. Luckily Sam sinking down meant that he was in a lower position on the bed than the angel, which would allow what he was planning to work so much better.

Awkwardly he moved his arm over Sam's head and placed it around him, resting his hand on the shoulder furthest away.

Sam gave him a weird look, but lifted his head up to make it easier for Castiel to wrap his arm around him. He also made no attempt to move away, almost sinking into the warmth that his body brought him.

Castiel took that as a good sign and shifted slightly closer, drawing Sam in.

"You really need to stop that." Castiel said carefully, looking down at him in concern.

"What?" Sam questioned, freezing slightly and attempting to sit back up, as if he had done something wrong in accepting what was offered. Castiel squeezed his shoulder, trying to convey to him that he had in fact gotten the wrong end of the stick and that wasn't what he was referring to at all..

"You need to stop saying you're not strong enough. You are. I don't put my faith in just anyone, but I put it in you."

Sam was somewhat grateful his hair probably blocked the angel's view of his face as he felt his cheeks burn, a deep blush setting upon them.

"Cas i-"

"No more talking Sam, you need to rest."

"Okay, but I'm not going to sleep." He mumbled in reply, stubbornly folding his arms across his chest.

Castiel shook his head and glanced around. Seeing a TV remote on the bedside table, he reached over to it, gathered it up and pointed it towards the box that hung in the opposite corner.

With a glance at Sam, to make sure he wasn't going to object, he switched on.

"I can't force you to, but please consider it. I won't let you face Lucifer alone."

Sam let out a 'hmmm' but made no attempt to say anything else, watching the screen as Castiel shifted through the channels, enjoying the warmth his body was giving out.

If Cas thought this would make him sleep, he was seriously underestimating his ability to stay awake, Sam concluded, as he properly settled into the sheets.

A few minutes later, as his head bobbed, Castiel could only smirk.

A smug satisfaction bubbling in his gut.

(a/n) Merry christmas to everyone reading - Hope you all have a lovely day!