"It doesn't have to be like this, Mordred. It's a new life, things can be different," Arthur pleaded, reaching out just slightly to his onetime knight and betrayer. Mordred's gaze turned to ice.
"It doesn't, does it? How generous of you to say." For a brief moment, the cold anger on his face was replaced with an expression of longing, then it was gone. "If only you were right."
"So that was you, the other night, then?" Gwen piped up, glaring at the man who had killed her husband. This seemed to wrong-foot the younger man.
"Was what me?" he asked, genuinely confused. Arthur picked up on this and frowned. Gwen spoke again in regal and icy tone.
"Arthur was shot four nights ago while we were walking in the park. The bullet that nearly killed him was enchanted. Now, answer your king. Was that you?" she demanded. A few of the knights looked a little taken aback by the sudden fury emanating from the queen. Even Mordred was startled.
"No. No, it wasn't me. I don't know who it was, but I swear, I had nothing to do with it. I wasn't anywhere near there," he promised.
"And why should we believe you?" Arthur asked coldly. But internally, he had to wonder, Mordred is the one who killed me before. So if it wasn't him this time- who was it? Before Mordred could answer, Gwaine spoke up.
"Because he was at a pub." Gwaine stepped forward to look the young man in the eye. "It was you, wasn't it? You're the man I bumped into that night, right after I- we, I suppose- woke up." Mordred nodded. After sharing a glance with Gwaine, Arthur took a step back, accepting the truth of Mordred's words. "I didn't recognize you, I suppose, because I was in such a hurry. And the accent," Gwaine added.
"Yeah, just out of curiosity, how is it that we all speak the same as we did before, but you don't? Were your parents Welsh in this life?" Arthur asked. Mordred laughed without any real joy.
"How would I know? They left me to the care of strangers when I was a newborn. I was raised in a home near Cardiff, then as a foster child. Bounced around from family to family- seems no one wanted me. Not the first time I've been made to feel that way," he concluded bitterly, the Welsh vowels becoming more pronounced as he brusquely tried to quash the emotion in his voice. Arthur looked at him with a slight hint of pity.
"Mordred, I'm so sorry, I didn't know," he said gently. Mordred drew himself up again, looking haughtily at the blond man.
"I don't need your pity, Arthur Pendragon. Nor do I want it," he said, his blue eyes flashing with icy fire.
"Then what is it you want?" Arthur asked, wary but unwavering as he faced down his murderer. Mordred smiled, a smile that would have been angelic if it had not been so full of anger and ice.
"The same thing I wanted all those years ago. To make you feel my pain, to make you pay for what you did. You betrayed me, Arthur! You turned your back on me, and my kind, and turned me back into an outsider- like I was my whole life! I followed you because I thought you were different, that you would be more accepting. You had no mercy- you were no better than your father. And you," his voice, which had been steadily rising, shook slightly as he pointed at Merlin, "you, you turned away from your own kind, from others like you. You turned your power against those like you because of your loyalty to a man, to a land, that would not allow you to reveal your true self!" He stepped back, anger and pain creasing his young face. "How can I forgive this? I can't even understand it."
All this while, Merlin had been silent, at war with himself as he stared at the young man whose face had haunted him for centuries as he had wondered if he could have given in and been kinder to Mordred and prevented the terrible fate, yet had also hated him for being the person who had directly ended Arthur's life. As Mordred demanded to understand what had transpired in another lifetime, a sudden flash of memories flooded into Merlin's mind, unbidden.
A boy, not yet a teenager, crying out for help into his mind. He had been unable to turn away then, just as he always would be. But most of the images came from a later time, when the boy had become a young man. Saving their lives by turning on Morgana. A boyish enthusiasm at being allowed to ride alongside the King. Jumping in front of a dagger to protect his king and friend. Solemnly standing with him over the secret grave of a fellow magic user, vowing shared silence. The occasional conversation, always wary but somehow a relief. The other knights, affectionately teasing the youngest of their number as they would a little brother. The king himself, embracing him out of joy to see him alive and lifting him off the ground in glee after a particularly challenging bout of combat training. And a few smaller, more private moments. The other knights had seen him smile, but they had never gotten to see what he was like when he was truly delighted and free, how those blue eyes positively lit up and gleamed with heartfelt, even giddy laughter. How the often dry meetings of the Round Table had gotten so much less dull for Merlin after the first time he had heard that voice echoing in his head, perfectly mocking and exaggerating Arthur's serious tone, Leon's quick replies, and Gwaine's lazy drawl. And the first time Merlin had dared to think that perhaps he had found a way to not be so alone, standing a little closer together than they should, a single sentence that had wormed its way into his mind and heart forever.
The love that binds us is more important than the power we wield.
All of this flashed through Merlin's head, powerfully searing across his mind and heart, in the space of a few seconds. Suddenly, unexpectedly, Mordred jerked backwards as if he had been electrically shocked. Snapping to attention, Merlin was beyond surprised to see that the cruel, cold look on the younger man's face had completely disappeared, replaced instead with a look of pure anguish and grief, and pain as if someone had suddenly punched him in the stomach.
How did you do that? Merlin heard a familiar voice echo in his mind, full of the same anguish he saw written on the former knight's face. Utterly confused, Merlin reached out to the telepathic bond he and the druid had long shared.
What d'you mean? How did I do what? he asked. Mordred's face creased with wonder and something else, something Merlin couldn't quite place before it vanished.
You mean you didn't mean to do it? You didn't even realize you were?
No, I suppose not. Why? What's going on? Merlin asked, a brief spasm of worry breaking through his concern for his friends and his confusion over Mordred's questions as the druid man looked completely overwhelmed. Is that how he really saw me? Mordred wondered to himself as he considered the wave of emotions and memories that had suddenly transferred into his mind from another's, careful to shield his thoughts. The others had noticed the change in Mordred, too. Arthur stepped forward, warily approaching the anguished young man.
"Mordred?" he asked tentatively. Mordred looked up to meet the eyes of the man he had once considered a friend and had loved to serve.
"The love that binds us...I'd forgotten..." he breathed, murmuring under his breath. Thank you, Emrys. To the surprise of everyone gathered there, Mordred fell to one knee in front of Arthur, his head bowed low and still shaking.
"Please. I am so sorry, my lord. I'm so very, very sorry. For everything I did- to all of you. I never should have... but I offer myself to you, to have your justice and vengeance as you see fit. I only ask that you forgive me, sire, before your sentence is carried out," he said humbly. All the anger and bitterness had gone out of his voice, replaced instead by genuine regret and a note of fear. Similarly, the cruel, harsh set of his face had softened into a fearful, lost expression that reminded both Arthur and Merlin just how young Mordred really was. Is it possible that he heard and saw some of what I was thinking? Merlin wondered as he contemplated this sudden and unexpected turn of events.
Arthur looked down at the boy at his feet, deciding what to do. He's not that different from us. He did what he did because of loyalty to those he loved, and because he thought his loyalty had been dismissed, he realized abruptly. Can I punish him for that? If Gwen had been in danger- when Gwen was in danger- I would've done anything at all to protect her, or, if I couldn't, to avenge her. Unaware of his best friend's thoughts, Merlin was in fact considering the same thing- only about Freya, or, in a different sense of love, all the things he'd done or been willing to do to protect Arthur.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity to Mordred, Arthur reached out his hand and gently placed it under the young man's chin, forcing him to look up and meet his eyes. When Mordred dared to raise his eyes to meet the pale blue gaze of the king he had betrayed, he was shocked to see mercy and kindness, not the fury he had expected. Arthur offered his hand to Mordred with a command to get up. Still bewildered, the young knight clasped Arthur's arm as he rose.
"I forgive you, Mordred." Those four words lifted a great weight off of Mordred's chest. "I understand, the allure of vengeance and anger can be overwhelming. You abandoned your honor and loyalty to us in favor of avenging all the wrongs you believed done, and you let your power overwhelm your true heart. I cannot trust you, not yet, but I can forgive you and permit you one more chance," Arthur spoke formally yet kindly, like the king he had been. Mordred managed a smile of gratitude.
"Thank you, my lord. Thank you. I swear, I'll prove myself to you again," he vowed. He turned to the other knights, who still regarded him with a wary hostility. "And to you," he added. An awkward silence followed, finally broken by Lancelot as he stepped forward.
"I don't know you, Mordred, but I too once betrayed my king and my friends, became selfish and convinced I had been wronged, with no small degree of help from Morgana," he began, his voice cracking bitterly as he spoke of the disloyalty that still haunted him. "That makes us the same. We both betrayed our brother knights. And we both drove a blade into Arthur's heart," he added softly, so only Mordred and Arthur heard his last sentence. He extended his hand to Mordred, who regarded him warily. He had heard the rumors about Lancelot in his days as a knight and now fought back the defensive instinct towards Arthur, the desire to punch the man who had wronged his king (and dryly thinking to himself how hypocritical that made him). Mordred shook his hand with a brusque, grateful shared look.
As the group broke off a little into smaller conversations, Mordred caught Merlin staring at him before the older man quickly looked away. You do not trust me, Emrys. Even more than you used to.
And why should I? Merlin's voice echoed in the younger man's head over the familiar telepathic bond. Arthur's right. You let your bitterness and vengefulness destroy every bit of goodness in your heart. How can I know you won't do it again?
You can't, he replied in the infuriatingly calm, vaguely mysterious manner that Merlin had found both intriguing and frustrating all those years ago. So you do think I'm a good man at heart, then? The voice in Merlin's head took on a slightly teasing tone, which Merlin shrugged off.
Don't push your luck, Mordred, he warned. Still, a moment later, he couldn't help adding one more word as Mordred turned to walk away.
Yes.
So it seems Mordred is back to his pre-evil self, right? What do you think? I kept thinking about how Mordred was so much like Arthur, Merlin, and the others in that his actions were driven not by power-hungriness or madness (like Morgana) but loyalty and anger at what he saw as betrayal. I have big plans for Mordred's role in this world and his relationships with the others- his character is so complex and fascinating to write; I hope I'm doing him justice. I really wanted to get this chapter up quickly; this week may be busy so updates may be slower for a few days. Thanks so much for all the reviews, follows, and views- please drop me a review if you feel so inclined, and see you next chapter!