Her eyes opened to Fenris's face. She blinked hard, again and again, making sure it wasn't an illusion, that she wasn't still stuck in some cruel dream. But he was there. He was really there, laying in bed beside her, peering at her from between dark, heavy lids.
She was instantly awake.
"Fenris? Is this real?" she asked, and it came out almost a squeak.
He grumbled an affirmation.
She sat bolt upright and looked down at him in shock. He was on his stomach with his face turned toward her, and he was dirty, covered in grime and dried blood. His shoulder pieces were curled and melted back, and his breastplate looked slightly warped, a result of the fireballs thrown by Anders she imagined. He had scrapes and bruises everywhere she could see, and a long gash down his exposed bicep that looked red and angry. She sat in shock for a several moments, and then began to feel overwhelmed with a million different thoughts and urges. She wanted to pull him into her arms and hold him, but she wasn't sure he would want that from her, and with all the broken skin on him it probably would only hurt. She wanted to fire off a bunch of questions. She wanted to yell at him for staying away so long. She was so relieved, but also saddened and nervous and afraid.
"You are in my bed," he grumbled into the mattress.
"I know. I'm sorry. I'll leave," she said as she continued to survey the destruction of his body, "but Fenris," she started, trying to prioritize her thoughts, "that wound needs to be cleaned. It looks infected."
He didn't respond.
"Can I clean it for you before I go?" she asked him, and he nodded.
She ran around the house searching the empty kitchen and washroom, and found nothing suitable for wound cleaning. Not knowing what other option she had, she slipped out the front door and sprinted to her own home, feeling such a jumble of emotions she wanted to simultaneously laugh and cry.
From her washroom she grabbed a bottle of alcohol and a healing potion, and then turned immediately to run back to Fenris, leaving Bodahn and her mother watching behind her in confusion.
Fenris hadn't moved a muscle. She grabbed a towel to hold below the gash on his arm, and poured the alcohol directly on it. He flinched when it made contact, and groaned quietly. She dabbed and swabbed at it, trying to rub away the grime as gently as possible while he stiffened and flinched with pain. The gash was deep, but the scab on it was very thick, and she figured it had to be at least several days old. But it radiated red into the flesh around it and looked swollen and tender. If only Anders were here, he could heal it no problem. If Fenris would let him. If Fenris could ever even be in the same room with Anders again. Which seemed unlikely.
But the potion should help, she remembered, and she pulled the small vial out of her pocket.
"Here, drink this," she said as she held it toward his hand. Slowly, tiredly, he lifted himself up into a seated position and Hawke was able to get a better look at him. His hair was matted and dingy, and there were numerous new dents in the remnants of his armor. It was clear he had been doing a lot of fighting.
He drank the contents with a sour face and then lifted his eyes to meet hers. She couldn't tell what he was thinking. As transparent as she might have been to him, during many moments he could be a complete mystery to her.
"Where have you been?" she asked.
"Hunting," he said quietly.
She wanted to say more, but didn't know where to begin. She didn't know if he even wanted her to say anything. It could very well be that he just wanted her to leave. He hadn't said so, but he must have been angry with her, he must have felt betrayed and lied to.
But he had been alone, completely on his own for almost two weeks now, at least that is what she figured, knowing how reluctant he normally was to accept help. Maybe he was ready to talk to somebody? But why would he talk to her?
She ended up just sitting there quietly, glad just to be looking into his face again. Even covered in dirt and blood, and looking as weary as she'd ever seen him, he was still as beautiful as she remembered.
He sighed, and looked for a moment like he might be about to say something. But nothing came, he only looked down at the floor and stared into space for a long time.
She stood to leave, figuring she would give him some time. Maybe he if wanted to talk to her, he would come her when he was ready.
Isabela had said Anders made it clear to Fenris that she loved him, and Isabela said something similar. Hopefully he believed that. Hopefully that was worth something to him.
She walked slowly across the room, keeping her ears alert for the possibility that he might call for her to come back. But he didn't, and with a heavy heart, she slipped out the door.
Anders might be home that night. She hoped that he would return without incident and she wouldn't have to go searching for a way to track him down. If he didn't she supposed she'd have to give him a little bit of a cushion before she started to panic. She'd just have to keep waiting, keep hoping. Seemed like that was all she was doing lately.
But at least Fenris had returned.
She made it halfway to her home when she stopped and turned around. The familiar ache in her chest seemed to increase with each step she took away from him, and she had the sharp realization that she had an opportunity to say something, and she should probably take it, especially if there was any possibility that he might disappear again.
She marched back through his foyer and into his room where he stood removing his armor. He stopped and turned to look at her. His reaction time to her was so slow she knew he had to be feeling a lot of pain.
"Obviously I know you know about me and Anders. I understand you probably hate me. But you and I weren't together," she said. Dang it, she thought, she probably should have planned out what to say first. Too late now.
"And I fucking love you and I have for a very long time and when I told you you didn't have to worry about Anders it's because at that time, you didn't. That was the truth."
She paused, "What happened later… I was not expecting to happen at all. But it did, and I'm sorry."
His expression softened a little, and he seemed to sink lower into himself.
"And I'm glad you're home. I'm so, so glad you're home. And I hope you don't leave again." She took a deep shaky breath.
"So. That's all I have to say."
The words spilled out of her, and quick on their heels was a flood of emotion rising up and threatening to overtake her completely. Fenris gave no response beyond quietly looking back at her with tired, unreadable eyes.
She felt the tears welling up, knowing they would begin to fall any moment, so she turned on her heel and began the walk back out of the house. At least she had said her piece.
"Wait," he called this time. "You're here, you might as well stay a little bit longer."
She froze, surprised. Then exhaled and turned around again, nervously taking the steps that would carry her across the room toward him.
"Can you help me with this?" he asked and motioned to the armor on his wounded arm.
She closed the distance between them, and began fingering the warped shoulder piece. She finally located the buckle holding it on and gingerly undid the clasp. She pulled it loose and began to slide it off as gently as she could, trying not to pull too much on the skin around his wound. He still hissed with pain and she noticed that though the redness around the large gash seemed to have receded a little, it was not as much as she would have expected after taking a healing potion. She knew potions generally took longer to work on old, scabbed over wounds, and wondered if the slowness to work was indicative of the extent of his infection. That must have been why he finally came back, she figured. He wasn't feeling well, and was starting to weaken. That must also have been why he was letting her help him. She hoped he would at least start to feel some pain relief soon.
"I can fill the tub back home, if you'd like to come take a bath?" she offered softly.
He thought a moment and then nodded."Later," he said, "I want to just lay here for a little while."
"Fenris…" she began as she took a seat on his bed, "how angry are you with me?"
"Less than I was. But I don't think you really deserve my anger. You have every right to do what you want. You are not bound to me."
She exhaled, feeling a profound sense of relief, but also a deepening sadness. She had wanted to be bound to him.
"But I do hate him."
She could say nothing to that.
"I'm just so glad you're back. I was so worried," she said, tears beginning to stream freely down her cheeks.
He continued to remove his armor until he noticed that she was sitting there silently crying. And then he came and sat beside her.
"What is this? You should be comforting me, not the other way around," he said and she laughed softly through her tears.
"But, I am covered in filth. Perhaps after I bathe, we can have a proper reunion."
She was stunned for a moment. Was he giving her.. Hope? It was enough to stop her tears for a moment, before bringing them forth even harder.
She watched his face as his tired eyes turned soft.
"Hawke," he whispered as he reached a hand out to cup her cheek, "sitting next to you those three days, wondering if you were doing to die, was one of the worst things that I could have possibly imagined."
"Why did you stay away so long?"
"I was angry. And afraid."
"Afraid of what?" she asked softly.
"Afraid that I had lost you. That you loved Anders. That you would die. That everything was all my fault."
"Fenris…" Hawke whispered, shocked. She reached up to his hand, threading her fingers through his. He gripped hers back tightly and looked at her with pained eyes.
"Have I?" he asked.
"What?"
"Have I lost you, Hawke?" Her mind sputtered as she struggled to answer. Almost, she thought. Maybe a part of me is lost. A part of me is with Anders now. But here was the true, original object of so much of her longing, finally back and sitting before her.
His grip on her hand tightened as he waited for her answer.
"Not completely," she answered.
It seemed to be more than he was expecting, and he nodded in acceptance.
"I… I need to rest," he said looking down at the bed. His pupils were wide and black and she began desperately hoping that it wasn't infection raging through his body that was slowing him down so much. How did he even make it home?
"Let's get the rest of this off you," she said, as she helped him remove his chestplate and belts. His lean body was covered in purple welts and cuts, but luckily nothing that looked as bad as his arm. When he was in only a loose pair of shorts, he slid under the covers of his bed.
"Stay," he whispered to her before he closed his eyes.
She lowered herself down beside him and slid her hand back into his, and watched his face as his brows unfurled and he slid into sleep.
Is this really happening? She asked herself in bewilderment.
Bodahn was happy to fill the tub with warm water, and after making Fenris take another healing potion, she led him to the tub and turned to leave.
"You don't have to go," he said and her stomach fluttered. How disorienting it was to go from him being so distant, to gone completely, to asking of her so many things she had always hoped he would. She listened with her back to him as he lowered himself down into the water, and then she turned around nervously and approached.
He groaned as he sank down, submerging himself up to the neck. She grabbed the bar of soap and a cloth and seated herself next to the tub.
He was quiet for a long time, and she was happy just to be close and let her eyes take him in again, still in deep disbelief. With each new invitation he extended her, she felt more and more like she was caught in a dream.
That was it then, she thought. If Fenris was finally coming back to her again, then she had to be done with Anders. Right? This is what she had wanted for so long, right? She had to be, even if that meant accepting that she would never again feel another of Anders' kisses. The thought sent pangs of desperation through her, but also made her grateful that she did let herself have the last kiss with him instead of holding back. It had to be their last if Fenris was really here. Fenris was the whole reason she had ever held back with Anders in the first place, and now that decision was being validated.
She hoped this was truly Fenris's return, and that he wouldn't change his mind when he was well again.
But her nerves fired up fiercely at the thought of Anders. If he didn't return that would be a problem of its own. And if he did, how could she stand to see him hurt? How much would it hurt her to have to resist him? They'd probably need to give each other a lot of time apart, she figured. Not that Fenris would abide them spending much time together anyway.
The whole situation was so fucked up, she thought, sighing heavily.
Fenris's hand breached the water and stretched over the lip of the tub to reach for hers. She happily took it, caressing over his warm slippery fingers..
"Sit up a little," she instructed him.
She moved behind him and soaped up his hair, and then ran the cloth over his shoulders, cleaning his cuts and inspecting old scars, the remnants of a long life with a cruel Master. He let out a soft groan and leaned his head back onto her shoulder as she ran her hands over the firm curves of his muscles. His soapy hair was drenching her clothes, but she didn't care. She closed her eyes and leaned her head up against his, savoring this next unexpected moment in the whole morning full of unexpected moments. It was like one of the many fantasies that she'd concocted while laying in bed at night, back before everything had gone to shit.
"Fenris," she whispered, "I'm so glad you're home."
"You keep saying that."
"Because it's so true." she felt the sobs rising in her throat again and swallowed heavily, trying to push them down, "I thought you were really gone for good." She dropped the cloth and wrapped her arms around him as much as she could over the lip of the tub, holding tightly to his chest and feeling a rush of emotion welling up and flooding her. He clutched back at her arms, and leaned into her neck. If this was a dream, she didn't want to wake up.
She could tell that he was still so tired. He needed more sleep. She wondered what all her had put his body through, out there on his own for two weeks. She would help him clean up and get well, and then they could figure out where to go from there.
She put a fresh towel within his reach and stood to prepare her bed for him. He was going to stay there as long as she could make him, hopefully until he was well again. She rushed into her bedroom and pulled down the covers. It was warm enough not to need a fire, but she fetched a glass of water to sit at the bedside table and figured he probably would also need food.
With the towel wrapped around his waist and his arm newly bandaged, she led him to her room.
"I have nothing clean for you to wear," she said as the realization hit her.
"I don't sleep in clothes," he answered. Fenris naked in her bed again… it sent a sharp thrill up her spine, and was enough to make her smile despite the heaviness that still wore on her mind. But rest was what he needed, not all the things that she was now thinking about.
She thrust two more potions into his hand, and he took them reluctantly. She hoped that would be enough to take care of the infection and get him on the way to being himself again. As much as she liked this soft, accepting Fenris, it also worried her. The empty vials clattered onto the bedside table as he climbed into the bed, sliding down in between the sheets. She couldn't help but eye the lean muscles and graceful markings of his body, but with how visibly sore and weary he was, combined with all the battle damage, and it was difficult to get much enjoyment out of the sight.
"Would you want to eat before you sleep some more? I can go see what we have in the kitchen?"
"Maybe later," he said softly as she slid down the bed and rest his damp head on her pillow, closing his eyes immediately.
She considered climbing into bed with him, even just to be near him for a little while longer, but her mind was racing, so instead she slipped quietly out of the room, leaving him to sleep undisturbed. He would need clothes, she realized, and the sheets of his own bed should probably get washed since he had had lain in them for a few hours while covered in dirt and old blood. She made a mental list of all the things that needed to be done, and set about, rushing over to his house to retrieve the sheets, and search for something for him to wear. He didn't keep much in the way of his own clothing and she had to search through several armoires in the mansion bedrooms before she came upon a men's robe and some plainclothes that might fit him. She also grabbed his armor and then sprinted back home, her arms full.
With Bodahn and her mother's help, she got all the sheets and clothes hand washed and then strung out in front of the front fireplace to dry, and then began assisting her mother with the preparation of some soup. Her mother watched her quietly as she chopped vegetables and stirred the broth, and gave her arm a concerned squeeze when Hawke left to go back upstairs to check on Fenris again.
It was now afternoon, several hours after he had gone to bed for the second time that day, and he was still sleeping so deeply he hadn't even changed positions. She crept quietly over to him, and laid her hand on his forehead. He wasn't feverish, and he was breathing deeply and evenly, face relaxed as his eyes danced around under his lids. The potions seemed to finally be working, or at least she hoped. She wondered where it was he had been sleeping the whole time he was gone. She wouldn't have been surprised if he was just sleeping on the ground.
She crawled onto the bed and settled herself on top of the covers beside him, gently resting her head against his back. She exhaled a deep, satisfied breath and tried to block out any thoughts about Anders. But she found that the effort was futile. She would need to somehow later that night if Anders had returned, which might mean a walk to the clinic. Would Fenris be angry at that? Would he expect her to stay away from Anders completely now? While she hoped that this meant the start of a new chapter for their relationship, she felt shaky and anxious at all the unknowns that still hung before her.
Her mind went again to the last kiss between her and Anders, where the world fell completely away and she felt warm and loved and completely swallowed up. He had run his warm hands over her face and through her hair, his touch both soothing and igniting her at the same time, and her heart quickened at the memory. But she knew that if she and Fenris were going to have a real chance, she would need to say goodbye to those moments. There could be no more of them, and to dwell on their memory would only make things harder.
Is that what she really wanted?
Despite the dreamlike wish that had been the whole day, she still felt disconnected from him somehow. She was genuinely grateful that he was home, that he was showing her such warmth and affection. But was she truly prepared to give up Anders?
She felt herself drifting down into sleep, and her last thoughts were how quickly everything in her life always seemed to change. Every time she thought she had gotten her footing, something new would come along to knock her back off balance. She was ready for some stability. She hoped that Anders would return and resume his normal clinic duties. That he would understand that she still loved Fenris, as she had been telling him from the beginning. And that she and Fenris could begin something steadier and less confusing, and that life could just be boring and happy for a while.