Drunk on ego, truly thought I could make it right

If I kissed you one more time to help you face the nightmare

But you're far too poison for me such a fool to think that I could

Wake you from your slumber, that I could actually heal you

-A Perfect Circle

Sebastian's watching me closely.

He doesn't think I notice, but how could I not?

I tap my foot impatiently while glancing at my Patek Philippe watch (incidentally Sebastian's birthday gift when I turned sixteen), feeling restless as his eyes continued to burn two clean holes at the back of my neck. As the teacher droned on about physics, I pretend to take down notes. I should really be paying attention but I couldn't bring myself to give a damn. I understood the lesson anyway.

Why was he watching me?

His flight to Spain was leaving tomorrow and I still hadn't given an answer as to whether or not I was coming with him. He hasn't tried to persuade me. In fact, he pretty much left it alone… And I was fine with that until he casually asked if he should book me a flight as well. The wedding had seemingly been an entire year away as the weeks passed and of course the bastard couldn't just let it remain that way. After that it occupied my mind constantly. Conner. I still wanted him.

When the moron teacher went to his table to get some handouts, I quickly turned to my stepbrother, glaring at him. I was right. He had been looking at me. He'd been growing his hair longer… Hmm. Funny how I never really noticed it. I liked it on him.

"Will you stop that?" I hiss while he only shrugs.

"Stop what?"

"Staring at me!"

His mouth curves upwards, "Sis, I can't believe you're so full of yourself."

"I could feel you looking at me, Valmont." I roll my eyes, keeping my voice hushed. "Will you stop? It's really annoying."

"Are you going with me tomorrow? To the wedding?"

"Do you want me to shove my pen down your throat?"

"Would you like me to shove my pen down your…" He lowers his voice but the look on his face clearly finishes his sentence and due to the circumstances and the way he looked at me, I felt myself blush. Not in an adorable and completely endearing sense, mind you. It was more of a surprised and a bit mortified blush because while I would have expected this from him when we were alone, I never really considered the thought that he would say something like that to me while we were in public.

I shove him. "Sebastian!"

"I was going to say something completely innocent." He protests but his eyes tell me otherwise. His gaze wanders off from me and to an almost pretty slut named Jenny. Or Jeannie. Or something equally foul like that. Jenny (Jeannie?) waves at him and he smiles at her, nodding once. I look at her disdainfully and then back at Sebastian as Professor Gardner exits the room to look for his stupid handouts.

"Oh, please do not tell me you went slumming with the class slut."

"I haven't had the chance to. You keep making it very hard for me to succeed with you."

He transfers to the empty seat near mine, which my boyfriend of the week Alexander Curtis had left unoccupied when he decided to flirt with some nameless wannabe who would probably indulge his weird fetishes.

"If you keep up with that I will seriously make you regret it when we get home."

"God, you're so uptight."

"It's because we're in class, Sebastian." I answer crisply, frowning at him. "Could you please be a bit more mature? Grow up."

"Grow up." He muses, his voice snide and hurt. "What? Like Conner? Be mature like Conner and leave you, too?"

People were starting to glance at us.

"Be quiet!" I tug his jacket sleeve but he pulls away and returns to his seat without another word. Sebastian is my stepbrother and most of the time a wonderful companion, but even though I enjoy his company there are times when I want to kill him. Today was one of those instances. It wasn't enough that I was contemplating on attending that fucking wedding or not, and of course there was the anxiety of waiting for the results from the colleges I'd applied to months ago, and now he just has to add to this.

Professor Gardner returns just as my phone vibrates in my back, informing me of an incoming call. I was expecting Sebastian to say something sarcastic like "It must be one of your other loser fuckbuddies. You never seem to run out of those." But he remains stoically silent. I fish the phone out of my bag and I could have sworn the entire room dropped a few degrees when I realize it was Conner.

I politely excuse myself and leave the room hastily. My hand grows cold at as I flip my cell phone open.

"Hello?"

"Please don't hang up… Kate, please just… Just listen."

I don't reply.

"I'm outside your school right now, can I see you?"

I don't run out like a goddamn eager lovesick teenager. I walk outside, my entire body is cold and stiff. My movements are jerky and so unlike me. I see him immediately even though he's partially obscured by the sunglasses he wore. As he sees me, he takes it off. I stare at him as I walk. His hair's longer now. I remember why he shaved it off.

You called me Sebastian.

I hold the now closed phone in my hand. Now we're inches apart. He watches me closely, studying me.

I'll give him something to study.

Open palm. A snap. Crack. The impact against his cheek. My skin stings. His neck twists as he is caught off guard by the slap.

"I deserved that." He replies quietly, rubbing his cheek.

"You deserve more. I used to think highly of you, Conner. You came here and make me…" I pause. "Make me feel attached to you, and then you choose that stupid bitch over me. You're marrying her and you invited me to your wedding after what you did? Have you forgotten who I am? I should have taken everything from you."

"Isabel invited you… I had been out of the country and Alana prepared the guest list. We weren't planning to invite you but my sister must have considered it as an oversight because Sebastian was there and you weren't… So she added your name on the list. I just found out a few days ago and I knew you'd assume it was me so I—"

"Decided to come in person and make me feel like shit again?"

His thumb brushes against my chin and I swat his hand away.

"Don't."

"Kathryn…"

He tries again.

"Do not touch me or I swear I will scream."

We both hear the doors open as a few faculty members step out and I quickly grab his arm to pull him into the unfinished building where I had set Cecile and Ronald up. As we wait for the voices to fade, Conner grabs my arms and pushes me against the dusty wall.

"Don't!"

He kisses my neck and I push him away roughly.

"You can't do this to me again, you bastard!"

He licks his mouth. How I hated myself for wanting to taste him again. He runs his hand through his curly hair, his eyes flashing darkly with immense desire.

I slap him again, only this time it isn't as strong as before. He knows it. He knows me so well I loathed him for it.

He grabs my face and kisses me, holding so tightly I couldn't shrug free of him.

"No!" I turn my neck but he only kisses the skin there. His hand massages my breast and I hear myself gasping.

"I won't be your whore." I mutter, slapping his arm halfheartedly while he unbuttons my blouse.

Conner finally stops.

"You're not." He answers. "You're not, Kathryn."

I touch his face, not at all scared by his earlier roughness. He meant to take me hard, and it was how I had wanted him to take me should he come back. None of the stupid lovemaking crap. He closes his eyes when my fingers trail down his jaw.

"I'm sorry." He whispers, "I'm being selfish. I shouldn't…"

"Are you going to marry her?"

"I don't know." He kisses my forehead, turning into the same old Conner I knew. "I missed you though. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come back like this. You were fine… You were okay again and I'm fucking it up."

"Your reverse psychology shit is very transparent."

He seems surprised at my comeback but he can't find anything else to say because then I am kissing him and nothing goes on inside my head except that hunger. I needed to be filled. I needed him to fill me.

It was nothing fancy. Nothing graceful. It lasted for a few minutes and I had my legs wrapped around him while he panted and stifled his own groans.

I stared at him when I came.

I looked beautiful.

I looked satisfied.

Pure.

Conner, on the other hand, was the same. He pushed against me without holding back like he knew we had very limited time. My reputation could turn to shit if someone walked in on us but I didn't care.

After that he held me tightly for a while. Like I was loved. Like I was the one he was going to marry. Only I wasn't, was I?

The whore. The other woman. I should hate him. I can't. I went back to my class flushed but I had fixed myself beforehand. Conner and I had talked. We made plans. I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. All I knew was that I wanted to do it.

Sebastian had no idea. He usually did… But now he doesn't. He ignores me until later on that night.

Something fascinating happens then. I had been browsing through his book collection when I noticed his drawer had been partially open. There was a photograph of a stunningly beautiful young woman whose age I couldn't guess. Fifteen? Seventeen? Somewhere in between. Her legs were long and tanned, reminiscent of a model's. Her black hair was long and iron straight, flying about her as the photograph captured a moment of her dancing and laughing. Her eyes were the deepest green and her smile was wide and filled with mirth. A dancer? The background was a garden, nothing familiar that could be from a vacation place… It seemed to have been taken inside a private residence. I flipped it and found nothing scribbled on the back.

A conquest? No. The picture had been developed with great care. Sebastian usually tore up a photo from the yearbook hastily. I briefly wondered if this was the girl he'd fallen in love with at fourteen. Was this the one Edward fucked? I had no idea what happened. I never knew about it until Blaine told me since I had been shipped off to boarding school and only returned at fifteen.

I made a mental note to ask Blaine. I knew it was something I couldn't ask him.

I stared at her smiling face and wondered.

Are you the one who fucked him up before I did?

---

Conner. Sex. Sweat. Deliciously wrong and forbidden. Was I forever attracted only to those?

I was rummaging through my closet when Sebastian enters my room. His eyes survey the scene.

"You're coming with me?"

"Yes."

"Kathryn... Can we talk?"

"About?"

"Earlier."

"What about it?"

"I wanted to apologize."

"For being an immature prick? Sure. It's fine."

"Will you please stop that and look at me?"

I didn't want to. He might see Conner and the thing that had happened earlier.

"I said it's okay, Sebastian. Will you leave now?"

"Look at me."

I sigh, placing my folded blouse on the bed. When I turn around, he's seated on my chair.

"It's just odd." He explains, "It's always been just us, Kathryn. I'm not used to having anybody else get to you like he can. Sometimes you call me Conner and it's like you're continuously comparing me with him. I just needed you to react… To be there. Lately it's like you're not."

"Your point…?"

"I don't know what my point is." He shrugs, "I just like teasing you once in a while. I'm sorry if I went too far. I know how sensitive you get when we're in public. I don't want to fight with you anymore… Okay?"

Looking at him like that, at that point, so apologetic and unassuming… I almost felt guilty. I reach over and ruffle his hair, smiling.

"You're such a boy."

He grins. I grin back.

So innocent. So… ignorant.

My Sebastian.

He kisses my cheek and reminds me of our flight the following morning. He has his cigarette break out of my balcony again just like before and as I finally drift off, I feel his palm against my shoulder.

"Goodnight, Kathryn."

"I'm sorry, Sebastian."

He looks at me quizzically, his blue eyes are wide and trusting. Conner. Sex. God.

"About what?"

"The accident."

The slight suspicion goes away and he pulls up the covers to shield me from the cold.

"I forgive you."

A/N: I'll do this quickly. I'm sorry for the typos here (if there are any) and for the possibility of a lot more to come. One of my many flaws is that I don't possess the virtue of patience, meaning when I'd like to post, I usually (unfortunately) hurry up and I tend to overlook a few things. Okay, that's it. I can't talk at the moment I'm tired as hell.

Oh, except probably for Katie (sorry!), and B (happy birthday to you in case I don't update on 3-20)