Chapter 14: Ru Yi
The next morning, Er Kang had left for Dali before any of them were even up out of bed. Ji Xiang told Yong Qi over breakfast that Ru Yi was still asleep, though she had a restless night.
"How did she sleep?" Yong Qi asked Ji Xiang as they, Xiao Yan Zi, Zi Wei and Xuan Zhuang made their way back to the south wing after breakfast. Jian Jun and Jian Wen had Yong Qi's firm suggestion that they leave the worrying about their sister to everyone else as they had that full responsibility all this past fortnight. Thus they were spending time with Zi Wei's sons instead.
Ji Xiang answered, "She wasn't exactly tossing and turning but I could tell she couldn't sleep. I was going to get you but then she wouldn't let me. She only drifted off early in the morning."
"You look like you could use a few more hours' sleep, Ji Xiang," Xiao Yan Zi said, looking at the shadows under Ji Xiang's eyes. "Go into our room and have a nap."
Zi Wei had sent one of her maids over to sit with Ru Yi while everyone else was at breakfast. By the time they reached the girls' room, Ru Yi had woken, but was still lying down, and was being helped eating breakfast by the maid. Xiao Yan Zi quickly took over as Yong Qi felt her forehead. Even from touching her hand, Xiao Yan Zi could tell that her fever was as high as ever. Yong Qi confirmed this with a worried look.
"How are you this morning?" The anxiety was clear in Yong Qi's voice, and it didn't help settle Xiao Yan Zi's nerves. Yong Qi rarely outwardly showed his worry when dealing with patients, no matter how serious the situation was. But then Ru Yi wasn't a normal patient.
"I wish I could say better, Daddy," she said. She seemed almost lost in the blankets and pillow and Xiao Yan Zi could not help noticing how small and pale she looked. Perhaps it was something to do with the daylight, but she did look worse than the night before, and from his expression, Xiao Yan Zi could tell that this change disturbed Yong Qi.
"It's a beautiful day," Xiao Yan Zi remarked. "Why do you not have the curtains drawn? I shall open them - "
"No, Mother," Ru Yi protested. "Please don't. The sun brightens the room too much and the extra light is very uncomfortable."
This apparently was a significant piece of information as Yong Qi startled at this and his features clouded over with a mixture of worry and fear. Xiao Yan Zi pursed her lips together in an attempt to stay patient and not press him for immediate information of what exactly was wrong with Ru Yi. He, on the other hand, seemed to refuse to look at her and was focusing intently on Ru Yi.
"Are you still feeling dizzy?"
Ru Yi nodded.
"Even when you are lying still?" he asked. His tone was sharper than he probably intended, and the fact that he still avoided her eyes made Xiao Yan Zi feel rather uneasy. What could be wrong that Yong Qi would be moved to show so much? Surely it was simply a little cold; after all, hadn't Ru Yi been all right enough the night before? Yong Qi would never had risked moving Ru Yi out into the cold night if it would make her condition worse. Granted, now, Ru Yi did look a paler and sicker than the night before, but not overtly so. So why was Yong Qi so worried?
Ru Yi nodded again. "And my vision blurs if I open my eyes for too long," she added softly.
The frown deepened and the atmosphere in the room was thick with dread and concern as Yong Qi prompted, "What about your neck?"
"It's still stiff like yesterday, even sometimes worse. I thought maybe it was just being in a strange bed, or my lying in an awkward position, but now it has increased, so that it's painful to move my head to the side much farther than this - " she demonstrated for him her range of motion " - or to move my head up or down like this."
Yong Qi was deep in thoughts for a moment while Xiao Yan Zi exchanged helpless, worried looks with Zi Wei. Obviously, this wasn't something trivial caused by cold and stress like she had hoped. For Yong Qi to show this much concern in such an unrestrained way, it must be something horrible. Xiao Yan Zi again wished she could press him for information but she knew he would not tell her now, not when Ru Yi was here. She could not imagine what it was that was so horrible, and tried not to think of what it would mean for Ru Yi.
"You didn't eat much," Yong Qi spoke again finally.
"If I eat too much I feel ill. I had a drink of water before I ate but even that makes my stomach hurt."
"I see," he said slowly. "Anything else, sweetheart?"
"I couldn't sleep last night, Jie jie told you, I'm sure. But then right now, I just feel really drowsy."
Yong Qi nodded and kissed her forehead gently. "Get some sleep then, precious."
He turned to Xuan Zhuang and asked her to stay with Ru Yi while giving Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei a look, motioning out the door.
"Take a walk with me," he told them as they exited the room.
They walked in silence for a long while. Yong Qi didn't seem inclined to say much; Zi Wei took Xiao Yan Zi's hand and squeezed comfortingly, but the expression on her face showed that she understood whatever was wrong with Ru Yi, it was serious indeed. Finally, Xiao Yan Zi could not stand it anymore and stopped abruptly, moving in front of Yong Qi, blocking his path.
"Yong Qi, for goodness's sake, what is it?" she exclaimed. She had to know what was wrong with Ru Yi, and Yong Qi should not have to deal with whatever the problem was alone either!
Slowly, Yong Qi lifted his eyes to look at her. "Do you recognise the symptoms, Xiao Yan Zi?"
Xiao Yan Zi's mind went blank for an instant. "I had not consider I would - " Then she thought about it for a moment and recognition dawned on her. She felt sick. It could not be that! She wanted to faint, but somehow her head was as clear as ever and the knowledge seemed content to sit there, filling her entire body with fear.
"No! It can't - Yong Qi, no, no, no - "
Yong Qi wasn't looking at her, and Xiao Yan Zi didn't think she could remain standing if she could see her own pain mirrored in his eyes either. She wanted Yong Qi deny it, to refute what he had just said, but he didn't.
"I think it is."
The confirmation hit Xiao Yan Zi like a sickening punch in the stomach; she stumbled and would have collapsed if Zi Wei had not held her up. Yong Qi's eyes were closed, his hands were balled in fists, and his shoulders were stiff, all the signs that he was suppressing a flood of emotions trying to break their way out of him.
"What is it?" Zi Wei asked softly, leading Xiao Yan Zi to sit down on a bench, sitting down beside her, while Yong Qi remained standing in front of them.
"A few years ago," Yong Qi said in a choked voice, "there was a minor out break of this particular type of influenza that I believe Ru Yi to have now, in Dali. It's not very contagious but it's very tricky. Well, influenza is not a really a good word to describe it as it lacks the contagiousness. But anyway, it's not a very common illness and the worst thing about it is that there is no known treatment for it. All that could be done is make the patient comfortable, well cared for, treat the individual symptoms like easing the muscles in the neck to allow more freedom of movement, thus more sleep in the right time of day and hope that the body becomes stronger on its own and recover from there. The thing is - "
He faltered for a moment, as if wishing he didn't have to say it outloud, because if he did, it would make everything more true, and that much harder to bear. Xiao Yan Zi didn't want to hear the words either, because she couldn't stand to remember that time, when it had been hard enough to watch those around her succumb to the illness. It was worse now to think that Ru Yi would have to suffer through it.
"The thing is - it's all - it's more a matter of chance whether one recovers or not from this illness. In the out break of it a few years ago in Dali, our family was miraculously spared of it, but half the patients I treated then didn't live - "
Zi Wei gave a strangled gasp and Yong Qi simply broke off, memories apparently still fresh in his mind. Xiao Yan Zi, on the other hand, was trembling with worry, so that she hardly realised that Zi Wei had put her arm around her.
"But how did she get it?" Zi Wei asked shakily.
"I am not sure how one actually contracts this illness. But I think the Mi Hun Xiang did a lot to lower her immunity to illnesses. I don't suppose being locked in that cold damp room, scared to death helped matters much. Ru Yi had always been more susceptible to being sick..."
"But she didn't seem so bad yesterday. I mean, not as dire as what you're saying - "
"It's not very serious yet, but this illness progresses quickly, within a few days, it can get drastically worse."
"How would we know whether she'd recover or not?" Zi Wei asked.
"If her symptoms decrease in intensity or go away, but if they increase..." His voice had grown hoarse and he paused for a moment as if to compose himself. "Meanwhile, we could only just try and help them decrease as much as we know how - "
Zi Wei pressed, "So...now what? We just don't know for sure? We just have to wait?"
Xiao Yan Zi was listening through a haze of fear. The conversation flowed over her like water, drenching her cold but she couldn't absorb the words. It didn't seem possible that this could really be happening to Ru Yi. It didn't seem possible that such a horrible fate might be waiting for her little girl!
Yong Qi thought for a moment before answering Zi Wei. "I - I wonder if I should ask Huang Ah Ma to consult the imperial physicians. I don't have many hopes of them having a definite cure but the Imperial Medical Library might contain some leads. Besides, I will not deny that I do not know everything. I think I could risk the Imperial physicians knowing our secret, if it makes Ru Yi better. After all, it would not be in anyone's interest for them to tell our secret even if they know."
Zi Wei said, "It's been years, all of the physicians who would know your face are no longer in service, except Hu Tai yi, but I think he can be trusted. As for the others, we don't have to tell them who you are."
"That's good," Yong Qi said, only to fill the silence.
If Xiao Yan Zi was coherent enough, she would see that Zi Wei was now looking up sorrowfully at her brother, lost for words and for ways to comfort them both. But Xiao Yan Zi was still drowned in her own fearful thoughts and denials; she couldn't speak.
Yong Qi finally sat down on Xiao Yan Zi's other side and took her hand. Xiao Yan Zi lifted her face to look at him. Tears filled her eyes but she refused to let them fall; she couldn't allow herself to cry now, not when it would hurt even more later and then she'd have no more means of relief.
"Yong Qi - " she whispered weakly, but couldn't go on. Yong Qi gathered her into his arms, resting his head against hers. The familiar comfort of this gesture only managed to make everything else that much more impossible to believe. He didn't seem to want to speak to her either; there was nothing that they could say to each that would relieve their fears and pains at that moment.
Zi Wei slowly stood up. "I'll give you two some time together." Then she hesitated. "Should I tell - "
"Not yet," Yong Qi said in a rough voice. "Huang Ah Ma said yesterday that he's coming later this afternoon, isn't he? I'd rather we only have to say this once. We can tell the children when we talk to Huang Ah Ma about the physicians."
Zi Wei nodded and with a sympathetic look at the two of them, she left them together.
"Xiao Yan Zi," Yong Qi said softly, resting his forehead against hers.
Xiao Yan Zi just held onto him for a moment, trying to calm herself and her emotions enough to speak. Finally, she said through hiccups, "I know...I know that medicine isn't miracle, that sometimes not everything can be fixed and cured, that we could only do so much as we know to do, but Yong Qi, this is our baby...our baby..."
Her voice trembled and faltered. Tears were falling now, because she could no longer keep them inside, regardless of her intentions. Yong Qi simply let her cry and didn't say anything; there was nothing to be said. It didn't help to deny it, because it was obvious to both of them now. It didn't help to say it was not fair, because life usually wasn't fair.
"I'm sorry, Xiao Yan Zi," Yong Qi whispered after a long while. From the way his voice trembled, she knew he truly blamed himself, somehow. She would not even dignify that ridiculous delusion by looking up at him.
"Don't," she simply whispered roughly, "just don't. I can't stand it for you to think that."
When she did look up at him a while later, the tears had stopped coming and the ones left behind stung her eyes.
"Yong Qi?"
"Hmmm?"
"Promise me something. If anything does happen to Ru Yi, promise me you'll stop me from going into Jing Xin Yuan and killing Zhi Hua with my bare hands."
Yong Qi gave her a crooked, humourless smile and said, "But Xiao Yan Zi, if I promise you that, who would stop me from doing the same thing?"
Xiao Yan Zi walked slowly towards her daughters' room. Each step felt heavy and she was in no hurry to reach her destination, knowing what awaited her there and what she must do there. Yong Qi and she had split the job of informing everyone about the situation: he would tell Qian Long and the children, and she would have to tell Ru Yi.
Tell her what?
Tell her that she might die? Tell her that for all the people he'd saved, her father did not know a definite way to save her life? Tell her that other than giving her small pain relieves that may or may not work, they had no idea how to make sure she'd live through this?
How could she say that to any twelve-year-old girl, who should have years and years of life left, let alone her own Ru Yi? If it hurt Xiao Yan Zi this much, what pain must such information bring to Ru Yi and why was Xiao Yan Zi the one to break it to her? How could she bear to be so cruel?
Xiao Yan Zi used to think there was no pain worse than what she felt the night she found out the truth about who killed her parents. After all, in that single night, she had lost the baby inside her, her Huang Ah Ma, her Yong Qi and Xiao Jian. But now...
She tried telling herself there was hope. As much as there was a chance that Ru Yi would not survive, there was equal chance that she would, but she didn't want that half-hearted, feeble hope. What use would the hope be, if there was still a chance her hopes would be dashed? The dashed hope would be all the more painful than no hope at all, in the first place.
She had felt this pain, when Ji Xiang disappeared, but even then, even when for three months, she didn't know how to get Ji Xiang back, the pain was of a different kind. The hope was of a different kind. It was a hope based on not knowing, so that her imagination could work and wish that Ji Xiang was all right and would come back to her. But this time, she had to think, she had to face the very looming likeliness that she would lose Ru Yi completely and forever.
She went into the room and told Xuan Zhuang where every one else was. After Xuan Zhuang left, she was left alone in the room with Ru Yi, who was still sleeping. Xiao Yan Zi sat down on the edge of Ru Yi's bed and brushed away a stray strand of hair off her forehead.
What would her Ji Xiang Ru Yi be without Ru Yi? How could anything be ji xiang without being ru yi? Ji Xiang Ru Yi, Ru Yi Ji Xiang...It suddenly occurred to Xiao Yan Zi how life had been anything but ji xiang ru yi lately, though ironically it had all been about Ji Xiang and Ru Yi.
Xiao Yan Zi wanted to cry again. It was times like this that she vaguely wondered whether there was some thing to be said about the fact that her and Yong Qi's horoscopes apparently clashed. She wondered why Heaven wanted to play with her like this, what she'd done to deserve this total nightmare of facing the loss of another child again. She'd often had to tell certain parents when they took their child to her husband for treatment that their child would not live. That was always painful enough. She knew there was little more painful than having to tell a mother that her baby would die. Now, she had to tell and convince herself that she was facing the same situation. This was agony, or even more so if she could find the words to describe it.
Having lost two unborn babies already, Xiao Yan Zi knew her losses had already been two too many. She was not sure she would even be able to take it again. It had been that painful to lose those unborn babies that she hardly knew she had. How much worse would it be to lose Ru Yi, who she had carried under her heart for those long months, who she had endured so much pain to give birth to, who she had loved these twelve years, who she had seen through all the ups and down, sideways and corners, ins and outs of childhood?
Twelve years. Had it really been twelve years since she first held Ru Yi in her arms? But what was twelve years if she could not see her next year, when she should be entering that stormy stage of teenage? What use would those twelve years be if she could not grow to be as stubborn and willful as Ji Xiang, to fight with her mother every other day? What good would those twelve years be if she could not live another twelve?
Xiao Yan Zi bit her lip so hard that she could feel skin breaking. The tears feel despite all her efforts to will them back.
Her baby, had she not already nearly lost her when she was born? Was that not enough? Why again?
The tears fell, but no answer came. Perhaps there was no answer for this injustice.
As Yong Qi made his way from the garden into the house to tell everyone else about Ru Yi's diagnosis, he thought about the lead-ups to Ru Yi's birth. He and Xiao Yan Zi had been naturally extremely anxious once they got over the giddiness and excitement of the pregnancy that would result in the twins, considering their previous losses. Yet that pregnancy had progressed flawlessly, and the birth had been surprisingly easy, especially considering the fact that it was Xiao Yan Zi's first birth, a twin birth, at that, and that her hips were so narrow, according to the midwife who helped deliver the twins. Jian Wen, likewise, had been another easy birth.
When the third pregnancy (or rather, fifth if you take into consideration the first two as well) came along, they both had been lured into a sense of security, thinking it would be just as comfortable as the last two. But it was as if Heaven had called in all that was due, as the last pregnancy was the hardest that Xiao Yan Zi had endured. There was firstly the morning sickness that alerted them to her condition; this was totally non-existent in the other two times. Then of course, Yong Qi had to endure her months of mood swings, which were also worse than ever. They had a few blazing rows then that had once made the four-year-old Ji Xiang burst into hysterical tears upon witnessing them. The birth, which was nearly a full month premature, also took longer and was more excruciating than the last two combined, so much that there was a moment when Yong Qi feared for both Xiao Yan Zi and the baby's life. After nearly a full day in labour, Xiao Yan Zi finally gave birth to a baby girl.
Even then, their worries were not curbed as the baby didn't cry. In fact, for one horrible moment, everyone in the room thought she was stillborn. Xiao Yan Zi had insisted on holding her, and somehow, miraculously, the moment she was in Xiao Yan Zi's arms, the baby started bawling loudly and steadily, much to both her parents' tearful relief.
Perhaps her name should have been Ji Xiang, considering it was lucky that they all got through that ordeal. But she was Ru Yi; she was the baby of the family. She was even more precious to both of them when they had to face the painful truth that Xiao Yan Zi would not be able to conceive again after that long painful birth. Though they had little reason to complain, having a perfectly equal set of sons and daughters, Yong Qi knew that for Xiao Yan Zi, to have the very choice of whether to have more children or not taken so totally away from her, it felt like an insult. They both learned to accept the truth, and loved all their children - Ru Yi especially - even more because of it.
Ru Yi was a small baby, even smaller than Ji Xiang, who was the smaller one of the twins. For the first few years of her life, Ru Yi was often sickly and Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi endured through sleepless nights worrying about her health. She did grow to stronger, eventually but it was because of all this that they all babied her, much to her annoyance. Yong Qi did have to admit that the fact that Ru Yi grew to look like her mother more and more every day only made his youngest child that much more cherished to him. Sometimes he wondered whether he'd quite spoiled her for it.
He had always thought, if he was ever to let his baby go, he would be letting her go to marriage, to a full and happy life that he would want for her. He had never imagined a position where he might have to let her go like this. He wasn't sure he could even do it.
Xiao Yan Zi had been right. He had long realised and accepted the truth that medicine could not cure everything and could not work miracles where Heaven was not willing. He had accepted that for all the lives he'd saved, there were some he couldn't save. For those he couldn't save, he had always tried, to the very end, and when the end came, he had always been able to accept it...with sadness, yes, but with resignation.
But this was his little girl, his baby.
He knew to effectively treat Ru Yi, to make sure he'd do everything he could for her to get better, he must face, think about and accept the horrible possibility that he might fail. He could not hold on to what might be false denial that everything would turn out all right in the end. That hope might be a good driving force, but it would blind him too much to think rationally. He knew, even with the help and knowledge of all the physicians in the palace, even with the intensive information hidden in those books in the Imperial Medical Library, there was still a chance - a rather big chance - that in the end, all their hands would still be tied. The truth was that, and it was looming in front of him, but how was he supposed to accept it? How could he even think about it? He had no doubt if this was someone else, another patient, he would not have half the trouble accepting it.
It wasn't someone else, though. It wasn't anyone. It was his precious Ru Yi.
How could he even start to think about that possibility? It was a crime to even imagine losing her, to imagine that when he turned around, she would not be there! Oh Heaven, did it hurt!
His heart ached as images of Ru Yi growing up flashed in front of him: the little baby falling sleep in his arms, images of her toddling her first steps, her first words which had sounded so much like Ah Ma though she had no idea then what such word meant, the small girl begging him to teach her to hold a calligraphy brush, her arguments with her sister, with her mother. Tears blurred in his eyes.
He had to stop and leaned against a tree for a moment to compose himself.
His mind and his heart were in too much turmoil. He wondered if there was even a cure, that he'd be rational enough to carry it out. He wondered whether the fear of doing something wrong, of failing anyway, would paralyse him so that he wouldn't be able to do anything for Ru Yi. He had treated his children before, naturally, but none of them had ever been so seriously sick. So this is why physicians should never treat members of their own family in these delicate situations where life and death hang by a thread. There were too many emotions involved to think clearly.
What wouldn't he trade right now to know that Ru Yi would recover? He found himself wondering, what if the only way was to come back to the palace and spend the rest of his life with Zhi Hua again? Would he do it, to save Ru Yi? He laughed bitterly to himself. Was that even a question?
If he thought losing Ji Xiang and not knowing how to get her back made him feel useless, he had no idea how to describe what he was feeling right now. He knew no one could know everything in the world, and he could not claim he could heal and cure every illness that existed. But one would think after treating twenty odd people with this illness a few years ago, he'd had come up with some idea of how to cure it. Everything that he tried those years ago to cure this had not worked, there was no pattern and people seemed to either recover or succumb on random. He thought about it since then, but he never thought he'd had to face it again this soon, and on his daughter.
Right now, he could only hope that at some time in Hu Tai yi's years of experience, he would had come across this illness before and know a cure that Yong Qi did not. Or at least, that digging through the immense Imperial Library would help. He hoped, against all the rationality fighting that hope, that somehow, somewhere, something or someone would come along to save Ru Yi, because he didn't think either he or Xiao Yan Zi would be able to bear the reality of losing her if the very idea of it was already this painful.
Ru Yi began to stir. Xiao Yan Zi stood up abruptly and turned away, drying her tears quickly. She knew her eyes were red but hoped that Ru Yi would be too tired to notice. She turned back to Ru Yi, trying to put a smile on her face.
"Ru Yi, how are you feeling, sweetheart?"
Ru Yi just shrugged. Then she looked at Xiao Yan Zi with such a piercing look that it made her look years older than her twelve years. Where did she learn such a look, Xiao Yan Zi wondered.
"Mother," she said with a voice that could only be described as brave, "I'm going to die, right?"
Xiao Yan Zi felt it couldn't have hurt more if someone went and stabbed her heart. She clenched her hands together, hoping Ru Yi would not see them shaking.
"What - what makes you say that?" she asked her daughter feebly.
"You've been crying," Ru Yi said softly. "And I recognise the symptoms. I'm sure you and Father think I was too small to remember, but I do, it's that mysterious illness that broke out in Dali a few years ago, isn't it? The one that frustrated Father so much because he couldn't find a cure?"
"Ru Yi - " Xiao Yan Zi started, emotions almost choking her.
"Please, Mother," Ru Yi whispered. Xiao Yan Zi could tell she was trying to not show that she was afraid. "Tell me the truth. Am I going to die?"
Xiao Yan Zi pulled Ru Yi into her arms in a tight hug and her daughter's grip on her arms was equally tight. It was the only sign that showed underneath it all, Ru Yi was truly terrified. "We don't know, baby," she whispered. Ru Yi didn't make a sound at being called baby again. "We don't know. But..."
"But there is a chance?"
"But we're going to do everything to get you better...everything!' Xiao Yan Zi said firmly. She could not allow Ru Yi to lose hope for fear that it would mean that she would stop fighting to get better. "I'm not going to let you go without a struggle, dearest Ru Yi! We'll have the Imperial physicians look at you and see if they can come up with something..."
"Something that Daddy hasn't come up with yet?" Ru Yi asked, sounding sceptical.
Despite the situation, Xiao Yan Zi wanted to smile at Ru Yi's innocent, all-consuming trust in Yong Qi. Still, this was hardly the way Xiao Yan Zi would have wished Ru Yi to learn that her father wasn't infallible. "Your father doesn't know everything, honey. Perhaps the Imperial physicians would have come across something that might help you get better in their time."
"But if they can't come up with anything and I don't get better, would I die?" Ru Yi pressed, her voice shaking.
Xiao Yan Zi drew a sharp breath and hugged her tighter. She felt like she had just been plunged into a bucket of icy water and the pain was like a thousand sharp knives piercing her entire body. She silently prayed for the strength to get both herself and Ru Yi through this, because from the way her daughter was shaking, Xiao Yan Zi knew she was desperately scared; who could give her strength except Xiao Yan Zi?
"We must hope for the best, Ru Yi," she whispered, trying to convince both her daughter and herself.
Ru Yi clung to her mother more tightly than ever before, like she was drowning and clinging to her only means of survival. Xiao Yan Zi wished that she could be that; if holding on to Ru Yi would keep her alive, she would hold on forever. "Mother, I'm scared," Ru Yi said, before breaking down crying.
Xiao Yan Zi stroked Ru Yi's hair lightly and held her while she cried, biting back tears herself. "Baby, my baby," she soothed, and after a while she didn't know exactly what she was saying. All she knew was that she had to comfort Ru Yi, she had to hold in her own fears and tears till when Ru Yi could not see, because Ru Yi needed her to be her comfort and her strength now. Xiao Yan Zi held Ru Yi liked that for a long time, until Ru Yi cried herself out into exhaustion and fell asleep again.
Xiao Yan Zi stroked Ru Yi's peacefully sleeping face and let the tears she had held in silently pour down her face. She could not allow herself to think that if nothing could be done, this peacefulness would consume Ru Yi for all eternity. It was surprising that Ru Yi had only cried upon realising how serious her illness was but Xiao Yan Zi was even more surprised, and not just a little scared, at how easily Ru Yi was accepting this truth, despite her obvious fears. There was no trace of denial, just quiet, painful and despaired acceptance. Perhaps being around sick people most of the time might have given her a more realistic and practical outlook on the possibility of death, but Ru Yi's easy acceptance still terrified Xiao Yan Zi. It wasn't normal that a twelve-year-old girl could so totally accept the prospect of dying.
Still, somehow, it was Ru Yi's acceptance that made Xiao Yan Zi want to hope, desperately, futilely, perhaps, that somehow, she would survive, against the odds, because if Ru Yi herself would not allow herself to deny, to hope, then what did any of them have?
Yong Qi was glad he took Zi Wei's advice and let her break tell the news to Qian Long and her children while he told his children. Just Ji Xiang, Jian Jun and Jian Wen's reactions where painful enough to witness; he would not had been able to bear more. His children didn't deserve other people who were still virtually strangers to them witness their reactions to this very painful news either. This had to be a time for just them and no one else.
"No!" was Jian Jun's vehement cry.
"Father, there has to be a cure. She has to recover, please?" Jian Wen begged, looking pale and helpless.
Yong Qi met his eldest son's eyes and saw the same pleading look in his eyes. How he wished he could take what he just told them all back, how he wished that if he took it all back, their meanings would disappear!
Ji Xiang, meanwhile, looked short of breath and she was staring at him with wide eyes, looking suddenly like a small child, lost and bewildered. "No," she whispered, such softer than her brothers, still staring at him. Yong Qi found he suddenly couldn't pull his gaze away from his daughter's face, as painful as it was to look into her eyes. "No, you must be wrong!" Her voice rose steadily from then. "You must be wrong! It can't be true! Father!"
Yong Qi closed his eyes and counted to ten. When he opened his eyes, he saw that Ji Xiang had stumbled into Jian Jun's arms, still looking up at him with that same lost expression. He wasn't sure whether Ji Xiang was trembling, or Jian Jun, or both.
"After all this...she can't..." Jian Jun said hoarsely, looking at him intensely.
Yong Qi looked away and said, very softly, almost so they couldn't hear, because he didn't want to say it as much as they didn't want to hear, "She might."
"She can't!" Ji Xiang cried. "She can't, Father!" Yong Qi reached a hand out to her but she didn't take it, and just shook her head vigorously. "You've saved so many people, how could you not save her? How could you give up - how could you just let her - " Her tone was accusatory now, so much that Jian Jun, despite the situation, looked like he would reproach her, but the look in Yong Qi's eyes stopped him.
For Yong Qi, he wanted her to blame him, because he already blamed himself a thousand times for it. That it was his fault was the only thing that he knew, the only thing about this entire situation that he could be sure of, it was something he could hold onto, as selfish as that was.
"Ji Xiang," he said painfully. For a moment, that was all he could say. She was looking at him, positively gasping for breath now. But she didn't cry. It was as if she couldn't cry, because crying would make denial much too hard. Jian Wen was swallowing labouriously, tears wetting his cheek. Yong Qi couldn't remember the last time he had seen either of his sons crying, so the sight was as strange as it was excruciating. Jian Jun was staring at the wall, looking like if he so much as blinked, he would break down too.
"Ji Xiang," Yong Qi tried again. It was hardly less painful. "Jian Jun. Jian Wen." He motioned them to sit down which they did limply, and Yong Qi wondered if any of them realised they had obeyed his gesture or that he had gestured at all.
"I won't give up easily," he said earnestly, "I have not let her go. I plan to do everything possibly can to help her recover, and seek help from the imperial physicians at it. But I need you all to understand...to consider," he swallowed, "I need to consider the possibility that...despite everything, she might..."
"But - " Jian Wen choked, then couldn't continue.
"She can't die," Ji Xiang whispered, shaking her head and looking at Yong Qi with a hard look.
"You all remember what happened a few years ago in Dali," he said softly. "I'm not saying it's definite she would ... die, but I can't say for definite that she'd live either."
There was a long painful silence, until Ji Xiang suddenly let out a choking sob and threw herself into his arms. No one else in the room was much more dry-eyed, either. Yong Qi slowly gathered his arms around her, his heart heavy with sorrow and his min wondering how they would find a reason to smile again.
In his nearly thirty years of service to the imperial family, Hu Tai yi had seen what could be called miracles, such as Xiang Fei coming back to life after drinking poison, but he had never been as shocked as he was upon being summoned to Xue Shi Fu that day.
He knew that Huang Shang had always had a bit of a favourite in Wu Ah Ge, and was fond of Huan Zhu Ge Ge, but the explanation he was given upon finding those two people, who he believed both to be dead, standing right before him at Xue Shi Fu, was incredible. That anyone would give up the throne, with such power and wealth, as Wu Ah Ge had done, for love, was amazing. That Huang Shang should know of, approve and allow such an act was unheard of. Yet that was the explanation he was given. Of course, no one explicitly told him that Wu Ah Ge had left specifically for Huan Zhu Ge Ge, but that reason was clear as day, especially to one who had been serving the palace as long as Hu Tai yi, to have heard of their story.
Still, Hu Tai yi did not receive an explanation of why he was at Xue Shi Fu until the other three imperial physicians, Lin Tai yi, Wang Tai yi and Zhang Tai yi arrived. It suddenly occurred to Hu Tai yi that their timings were calculated, that they had to have him arrive first for an explanation, since he was the only of them who would recognise Wu Ah Ge and Huan Zhu Ge Ge. Huang Shang had, after all, explicitly ordered that he was not to reveal their identities to the other physicians. Not that he would, in any case, since what good would that bring any of them? Hu Tai yi was hardly a stupid man, he knew the game that was afoot; his part in it was simply to do his job and not speak of nothing else.
Hu Tai yi also realised that, for whatever the reason it was that they were, it had something to do with Wu Ah Ge. The thought also made him think of the young girl he had treated for a wound from a stray arrow earlier.
If the other physicians suspected anything about 'Ai Xian sheng' or why Huang Shang was bestowing such an unusual amount of attention on a mere untitled friend of his children, they didn't voice it. After all, in their profession, it wasn't theirs to question who they were treating and how they contracted whatever illness it was in the first place. Hu Tai yi wasn't particularly surprised to know, now, that Ji Xiang Xiao jie was Wu Ah Ge's daughter and wondered how he had missed her resemblance to her father before; it was absurdly obvious when the two of them were side by side. However, he was not here for Ji Xiang Xiao jie (Ge Ge? She should be a Ge Ge), but for her sister. Hu Tai yi hoped, for both the sake of his comfort and that of her family, that whatever was ailing her, they would be able to find a cure. Knowing Huan Zhu Ge Ge's medical history as he did, the hope only increased tenfold when this her child he would be treating; she would surely not be able to endure losing another child. Yet he knew, whatever it was, it must be something tricky; they would not have just randomly decided to let him in on their secret, otherwise.
His hopes were not a little dashed when Wu Ah Ge explained the situation to them and they had a chance to examine Ru Yi first hand as well. He knew this illness, though thankfully had never seen it anyone from the palace before. He had to admit, despite the desperately hopeful way both Wu Ah Ge and Huan Zhu Ge Ge were looking at him, that he didn't know any more about a definite cure. None of the other physicians looked more knowledgeable either. It distressed all four of them upon finding out what exactly was ailing her, since they all knew how much the patient's probability of recovering was all based on chance, but none of them were more disturbed than Hu Tai yi. He could tell the other three realised that Ai Xiao jie was of great importance not just to her parents but also to the Fu family and to a certain extent Huang Shang as well. He also knew he was the only one of the physicians who really knew just how precious this girl was or the real reason for Huang Shang's presence at Xue Shi Fu through all the time they've been here.
If he was allowed to say it, Hu Tai yi would have to admit he was fond of these four - the two princesses, Wu Ah Ge and Fu Da ren. When the two princesses came in the palace, he was the youngest among the imperial physicians and had barely started his post in the palace three years earlier. It had been he who attended them various times in those years. So the heartbroken look on Huan Zhu Ge Ge's face when he regretfully told her that he didn't know more than Wu Ah Ge on what to do for the situation brought him no little sorrow. He could only promise them what is always promised in situations like this, when they didn't know a cure or whether it would work: to try everything they can do find one.
Ji Xiang was never one for patience. She hated waiting, she hated just sitting and not knowing. She hated it even more now when she knew there was nothing she could do but just wait. What on earth for? For a miracle to drop down and save Ru Yi? For something they all desperately wanted, hoped for, wished for, prayed for, with all their beings, that might in the end never come? That she had to watch her sister slip just a little more away hour by hour, day by day was more than Ji Xiang could bear.
It had only been three days since her parents have returned from the palace with her siblings but it felt like an eternity, while every hour flew by like a blink of an eye. Yes, she did realise the blatant paradox of that, but that was past her caring. The only thing that she registered in those days were that Ru Yi was not getting better. Nothing that either her father or the Imperial physicians had tried before in their experience could relieve her symptoms. In fact, it seemed to Ji Xiang that she was getting worse.
Ji Xiang didn't want to consciously consider what Ru Yi's deteriorating condition would mean. She could not imagine it. A life without Ru Yi? The idea was bitter in her mind. She had never imagined it. It came to her suddenly how she had all these years taken her little sister for granted, that she never truly treasured Ru Yi for what she was. There were so many days when she had hated her sister, when she had wished she never existed. There were just as many days when they were the best of friends, but even then, the good times had always been so natural to Ji Xiang that she had never truly stopped to treasure it, letting it past too quickly. And now, would she ever have those times again to hate and love her sister?
Life wasn't fair! But then, Ji Xiang thought bitterly to herself, why should life be fair to anyone when it could have so much more fun torturing those in it?
Though Ji Xiang spent as much time as she could with Ru Yi now, she wished she could still have all the time in the world to take her sister for granted again. To not have to count the hours, to really smile for her without wondering whether this would be the last. To know that, even if today they didn't say what needed to be said, there would always be tomorrow. They didn't have any of that, and the more Ji Xiang tried to push that reality away from her mind, the clearer it became.
Ru Yi was accepting, too accepting, of the whole situation, which made Ji Xiang's denial even more impossible and absurd. Ji Xiang had wondered again and again, how her sister could be so calm. It wasn't normal. She didn't want for Ru Yi to have to be the strong one in this darkness. Ru Yi should be allowed to despair, but she would not let herself that. Ji Xiang wished Ru Yi would stop being so calm about it, because if she would break down, so could Ji Xiang and accept it, and from thence be strong, for her and for them both.
The couple was glad they had the foresight to dress to blend; it would not do to draw attention to themselves by dressing in their usual attire in the middle of Beijing. It had been over twenty years since the last time either of them had been in this city, though in reality they both knew very little of it. She had little opportunity to see any of the city while she was here. He had more chances but not the heart to explore it. Both of them had only been too eager to leave it when they did and they had not been back since. This was the first time in over twenty years.
Little as they knew it all those years ago, they could still tell that not much had changed here Beijing. The city was still crowded and exciting as ever. It was odd, hearing all the bustle of Beijing again after the remoteness that they came from.
They made their way to the building that was, to him, familiar, though it had been years since he was last there. She had never been in it and the place would be new to her, though the people not as much so.
They wondered if they would find all their friends here in Beijing. They had both felt guilty over the years that their friends had to be permanently torn away from their family for them, though they knew they had all been willing to help them. Perhaps they should have made their way down south first, but somehow, something drew them to the north, telling them they should visit Beijing first. They could only hope that would mean their friends would all be united here, in the city where they all met and it all started.
They both hoped those they were coming to see would be as happy to see them as the couple would be to see them. Sometimes they wondered whether the years apart without any contact, without word, without touch could have made their friendship diminish into something insignificant, though they sincerely hoped not. They knew they could never forget their friends, not after everything they have done for them, but how would the others feel?
"I think we both realise what the recent developments in Xiao jie's conditions means, sir," Hu Tai yi said quietly to Yong Qi the next day.
It was just the two of them in the study room at that moment. Though they have enlisted the help of all four imperial physicians, it was impractical for all five of them to sit at Xue Shi Fu waiting for change. As such, the other three spent the vast majority of the last few days in the library, looking for something they might not know in those piles of books and scrolls.
Yong Qi just looked at the older man for a moment, steeling himself against the coming conversation, knowing what it would contain. Then he could only nod curtly.
Ru Yi was definitely worsening, not just by the day, but by the hour. She showed increasing signs of drowsiness and difficulty in awakening, which was what Yong Qi feared most, because this would only increase in intensity once it started, until that she would slip into a coma from which she would not wake. She was increasing unable to keep down food, which only added more to her weakness. Yong Qi knew, if she could be saved, it should have been done before then, and from then on, there was next to nothing they could do any more and she was in the hands of Heaven now.
He could not allow himself to feel the full weight and pain of his failure just yet. It would break all his control and he couldn't afford that right now. There would be plenty of time for that, later. Now, for his family, he had to keep some semblance of control, though it was near impossible.
"Sir, I - " Hu Tai yi spoke again after a silence.
"Please don't say sorry," Yong Qi interrupted him roughly. How did his voice even work? "Because you and I both know that sorry is about the worst thing one can say in a moment like this, yet it just comes out, every time."
"I don't want to give up," Yong Qi confessed, after another silence. "No matter how my head tells me even if we find something right now, no type of treatment in our current knowledge of medicine would work fast enough, we still would not have enough time, but how do you know when to shake your head and when to just push on?"
It wasn't really a question posed at Hu Tai yi, and he knew it, but he sighed and spoke anyway. "How did you usually know before?"
Yong Qi let out a bitter chuckle. "Before they weren't my daughter."
Hu Tai yi just smiled wryly in response.
"So much for living a thousand years," Yong Qi said softly under his breath.
They entered Hui Bin Lou and he marvelled at how so little of it had changed over the year. Sure, the furnishing was new but the set up was just as he remembered it. He lead her to the back of the dining room, to a table where they usually sat the last he had been here. Walking across the room brought an overwhelming bout of nostalgia that made him wonder whether it had really happened over twenty years ago.
To the casual observer, they seemed to choose the table at random, but nothing was further from the truth. If he closed his eyes, he could almost see it - sitting around that table, reading her letter, telling their story, planning, worrying. Though she was beside him now, being back here made him feel the pain, the frustration, the helplessness and hopelessness that he once felt, again, somehow even stronger now, now that he knew what he was missing then.
A young lady, who looked no older than twenty, approached them as they sat down and asked politely, "What can I get you?"
After they've ordered, he asked, "Excuse me, may I ask the name of the proprietor of this inn?"
"This inn is owned by my father-in-law and his name is Liu Qing," the young lady said. "My husband is his only son."
This perked both their interest. So Liu Qing was married. Well, of course he would be, but they wondered to who and whether they knew her.
"Liu Shao tai tai," the man acknowledged her, "I wonder if I could meet your father-in-law. You see, we are new to this city and would appreciate some directions from him of some places to visit."
The young lady smiled and said, "I'm afraid my father-in-law is out for the day and would not be back until later tonight. However, I could introduce you to my mother-in-law instead."
This was met with agreement from the guests as they were eager to find out who Liu Qing had married.
Jin Suo was in the kitchen overseeing the cooking when Yang Yang entered. She looked up at her daughter-in-law, wife of her only son, Si Han, expectantly. They have been married just barely three months ago, so Yang Yang was still very much intimidated by her, though Jin Suo could not understand why. She was far from the overbearing mother-in-law that one found too often. In any case, she hoped the poor girl would get over it soon.
Jin Suo was not surprised when Yang Yang came to her and told her that some guests wanted to talk to the owner of the inn. People who travel who travel to Beijing for pleasure and stay at their place often consult them about places to tour in the city. As she made her way out to the dining room, even if Jin Suo that thought to consider who her guests were, she would probably never have guessed correctly. After all, when they have no heard from them for so long, it was unnatural to even vaguely expect them now, of all time. Of course, all of them occasional wonder how they were, but they had all gave up hopes of seeing them again. Needless to say, Jin Suo was rather shocked to find out who her guests were.
Ji Xiang felt the world spinning around her as she listened to her father's words. She didn't know why it was such a shock for her when she'd been dreading it all this time. All she knew was that, all this time, she'd kept a tiny spark of hope in her heart that was now put out cold, leaving to freeze in her despair of what the very near future held. Ji Xiang lost all sense of what was going on around her. For a long moment she just stood there, silent and frozen, until her grief could no longer contain inside her. She fled the house like it were on fire and ran out into the garden, vaguely realising that her brother had made to go after her but her father had held him back. She ran until she was out of breath and collapsed at the base of a tree, tasting the salty and bitter tears.
She didn't know how long she sat there, back against the tree trunk, her knees drawn up against her chest and her head resting on her knees. She didn't even know whether she was crying all that time or the tears had just stopped flowing, no longer being adequate to express her sorrow. All she knew that Ru Yi would die and she could not bear it. She eventually felt it growing chilly, despite the sun that was shining overhead, but couldn't bring herself to react to the cold; she could suffer it and it was easier thinking about herself suffering than consider her sister suffering.
A long time must have passed, because the sun was no longer shining directly into her eyes. There was the sound of someone approaching her but she didn't lift her head to look at them. The footsteps didn't sound soft enough to be her mother or her aunt, so it must be either her father or one of her brothers.
"Ai Xiao jie," Ying Zhong's voice called out to her. She didn't know what made her look up, but when she did, she saw that he was standing in front her, looking at her with sympathetic eyes and holding out a handkerchief. Slowly, she reached out and took it, drying her tears. His hand was still extended and their eyes met for a moment. It was as if something else was controlling her actions, Ji Xiang reached out and took his hand and let him pull her standing up. If it was anyone else, she wasn't sure she would have so accepted being pulled up from her misery.
He didn't hold her hand for longer than necessary but still looked at her with that strangely comforting look. It spoke of sorrow and somehow, it made Ji Xiang feel a little less alone.
"Your parents and brothers are worried about you," he said simply. "I told them I'd look for you since they probably need to be with your sister right now. I would have left you alone for a while longer as I thought you probably need some time and space to yourself, but you should not be out here in the cold."
"Why would it even matter?" Ji Xiang asked hollowly. "Ru Yi is going to die."
"But you are not," he whispered, looking at her intently.
Ji Xiang could only turn away and cried bitterly some more. Yet even in her grief, she found it was incredible that Ying Zhong was just there, letting her cry; it comforted her but also at the same time was rather disconcerting. It wasn't until her tears have subsided a bit that Ying Zhong spoke again. "Are you ready to go back into the house now? I think your family are worried."
Ji Xiang nodded. They walked in silence for a moment, before Ji Xiang said softly, "Thank you for finding me, Fu Shao ye."
Ying Zhong just nodded then said, "Surely you can stop calling me Shao ye now? My mother is on personal name terms with your father. Do you know how strange that is? She usually addresses her brothers and sisters by their titles."
Despite everything, Ji Xiang shot back flippantly, "You still call me Ai Xiao jie."
"By rights I should be calling you Ge Ge," Ying Zhong said. Ji Xiang wasn't sure whether he was teasing her or was just stating a fact. She found she didn't mind either way. "We could agree on it. I will stop calling you Ai Xiao jie if you stop calling me Fu Shao ye."
Ji Xiang gave a wan smile and nodded. By then they had crossed the courtyards and reached the house. Ying Zhong left her at the door.
Ji Xiang found she couldn't possibly face Ru Yi right then, so she wandered to her parents' room instead. Whether seeing the sadness and grief on her parents' faces would be better than seeing Ru Yi so drained of life, she wasn't sure. She entered the room to find her father standing with his back to the door and staring determinedly at a wall. Her mother was sitting on the bed, her eyes rimmed red. Ji Xiang just quietly approached her mother and settled into her embrace and cried quietly with her.
A while later, she could hear her father approaching them.
"Ji Xiang."
She looked up at him, her vision unclear from tears.
"You can blame me, you know."
She just shook her head sadly. She truly didn't. It wouldn't be any use if she did, anyhow. But she didn't.
"Where are my brothers?" she asked instead.
"With Ru Yi," her father answered, his voice trembling.
"Daddy, I don't want to..." Ji Xiang whimpered suddenly, standing up and looking away from her parents.
"Ru Yi will need you now, Ji Xiang, you know that? She'll need us all."
Ji Xiang just let out a sob and slowly turned around to see her mother looking up at her father with such an expression of sorrow that it broke her heart again. Her father just gently reached down and brushed away some of the tears still lingering on her cheek. It suddenly occurred to her neither of her parents had showed so much weakness and vulnerability in front of their children before. This only imprinted the grief even further in her heart.
"We should go to Ru Yi," her mother spoke finally for the first time since she entered the room.
Ji Xiang still didn't know whether she had the courage, until she looked into her parents' eyes. Her father was right. Ru Yi did need all of them now. She needed Ri Yi now. Her parents took one of her hand each and gave her a warm squeeze. Then together, they went into the next room. To see Ru Yi.