Chapter 4, part 3
Of Super Glue, Machine Guns, and Invasions
Okay, another chapter, not that anyone even cares. IF ANYONE IS READING THIS FANFIC, PLEASE REVIEW! It makes me feel unnoticed. I hate that feeling.
Zabuza fiddled with the skull-surmounted gearshift. There were nothing but knobs and levers in the cockpit of the Armadillo. It was annoying. It didn't help that they were traversing the autobahn at about 70 klicks, followed by a quarter of a million Polizei, and stuck behind a line of tanker trucks.
"Gaaaaaaaaaaah! Hurry up, you stupid--!" Zabuza kicked a lever accidentally, which sent the drilling arm advancing menacingly forward. He blinked. He grinned maliciously.
"Do you think they're going to be okay?" Orochimaru asked, looking through the back window at the line of tanker trucks. The Armadillo was too large to pass on the two-lane autobahn, so the Camaro was comfortably ahead of the mass of police. "Zabuza isn't exactly a level-headed driver."
"Eh, Nana'll keep him in line," Kai muttered. Sano slammed on the brakes in the middle of the passing lane. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING----?!!!!!"
"Kai, saying that Nanashi will keep Zabuza from freaking is like saying a two-year-old won't steal cookies," Sano said, driving next to the Armadillo.
Inevitably, Zabuza and Nanashi were fiddling with something in the cockpit while being yelled at by Rem. The drilling arm was flailing about wildly, spewing mud over the road, sending some Polizei cars skidding off into the hills beside the road. Kai stared out the window in horror as the drill bit cut into the tanker truck in front of them and blue-white liquid spewed out of the gash. Kai closed her eyes and took a deep calming breath and nearly suffocated on gasoline fumes. The drilling arm swung like a golf club from hell and knocked the tanker truck clean off the road, gas spewing everywere.
Zabuza hit the windshield wipers and attempted to zero in on the far-too-close Polizei car behind them through the side-view mirror with the drill bit. Rem threw her book at the back of his head.
"Stupid Ninja!"
"Damnit, quit throwing shit at me!" Zabuza turned in his seat to yell at her just to get a McDonald's cup in the face.
"Keep your eyes on the road!"
"Ooooh! Press that button!" Nanashi squealed, pointing to a red button on top of what looked like a fighter jet joystick which was situated above Zabuza's left knee.
"No!"
"Do it!"
"Gaaaah! Don't just reach over there!"
"Oh, shut up and get your mind out of the goddamn gutter and push the bloody button!!"
Kakashi facepalmed. "Dear lord you are all stupid."
RATTATTATTATTATTA--BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.
Silence, except for the flickering of flames and the grinding of steel against asphalt and the bouncing of the tires over twisted metal. Everyone stared out the window at the swath of carnage before them. Nanashi and Zabuza looked at eachother in shock, then both of them got identical sadistic grins.
Kai, meanwhile, was beside herself. "A MACHINE GUN? WHO THE HELL KEEPS A LOADED MACHINE GUN IN AN AMUSEMENT PARK---?!"
"Kai, can you please stop yelling? My ear is about to come off," Orochimaru muttered, digging a finger vigorously into his ear.
Meanwhile, in outer space, an alien race was descending upon earth. Their tear-shaped survival pods dove through the atmostphere. Streams of fire launched out behind them as they ripped through the air and drove into the ground. The pods connected into the hidden ships beneath the earth and the systems engaged. Three arms ripped out of the ground and pushed a central triangular pod up into the sky to a height of about...three inches.
Yes, three inches.
Tinny, high-pitched screams punctuated the air on the autobahn as the Armadillo flattened an entire race, bringing a whole species to extiction.
"Do you hear something?" Nanashi asked Kakashi, who was beating his head against a spare pipe.
"No. Just a ringing in my ears."
"Well, I hear a high-pitched squealing, like a lot of small beings being flattened into itty bitty alien pancakes." She clapped her hands over her ears, a grimace on her face.
"'Beings being flattened?'"
"Don't make fun of my word choice, ninja. Oh, and don't--"
RATTATTATTATTATTATTAT.
"--shoot that tanker."
"Ooops."
A viscous, yellowish liquid oozed from the destroyed tanker and spread over the road like hellish snot. The wheels of the cars became coated in the substance before the goo hardened, catching the tires of the Camaro, the Armadillo, and the few thousand polizei behind them.
"What the hell is this?" Zabuza half-shouted, giving the accelerator one last spiteful kick.
"It's super glue," Nanashi said, facepalming.
"That's it!" Hiei roared from the back. He punched off the hatch on the top and hauled himself out. "I have been stuck in a rolling deathtrap with idiots for far too long! I am not going to have anything to--to--uhm..." He stopped as, above him, an enormous tripod rose above them, pulled right out of War of the Worlds and stuck in front of them. Hiei sighed, retrieved the hatch, went back inside, and replaced the door. "There's a giant alien machine outside that wants to devour our blood."
Nanashi looked up from beating Zabuza's head in with the gearshift and blinked. "A tripod?"
"Yep."
"Alien, this is Predator, come in Alien." The neglected radio crackled with dust as Yukina's voice came through.
"Ah, Yukina-chan! How are things over there?" Rem asked.
"Uhm, have you guys looked outside yet? Over?"
"No, not yet. Nana, look outside."
"Jawohl!" The blonde saluted and opened the destroyed hatch. "Frau Kommandant! There is a very large mechanical something outside, and I want it!"
"Then go fetch."
"Woof!" She launched herself outside. Zabuza facepalmed.
"She's going to die."
"Rem, was that Nana just now?" Kai's voice crackled over the radio, her irritation obvious.
"Yes. Apparently she's pursuing a career in extraterrestrial auto sale."
"I hate car salesmen!" Nana's voice chirped over the radio. A sharp squealing was eminating from the background, which was quickly cut off. "They're really annoying."
"Nana, do you have our new transportation yet?"
"Yep! C'mon up!"
A rope ladder fell from the base of the tripod down to the ground. Everyone grabbed their luggage and converged on the rope as the Polizei abandoned their cars and tried to arrest them.
"Pull up the damned ladder!" Zabuza yelled. The rope obediently retracted, pulling the lot of them up into the interior of the alien craft. Sano started whistling the X-Files theme song as the door slid shut behind them.
TO NEXT